CeWEBrity Profile - How to Give a BJ

Season 7 , Ep 14 05/19/2015 Views: 8,455

A man who creates fruit-based sex tutorials pays a visit to Daniel's erotic farmers' market. (7:55)

I WAS TOLD TO NEVERFOREPLAY WITH MY FOOD,

BUT I APPRECIATETHAT HE REMEMBERED

TO WORK THE CUTIES.

THAT BANANA'S BOYFRIENDIS NAMED WARPED BROWNLEE,

AND THE NEXT SIX MINUTES

ARE ONLY GONNA GET WEIRDERFROM HERE.

THIS IS JUST ONE

OF WARPED BROWNLEE'S MANYDISTURBING VIDEOS

WHERE HE TEACHES THE WORLDHOW TO GIVE BETTER BLOW JOBS,

SO I'LL JUST WAIT A SEC WHILEYOU GALS GO GRAB YOUR NOTEPADS.

IN TERMS OF JOBS,BLOW FALLS SQUARELY

BETWEEN HAND AND RIMON THE WHORE SCALE.

AND LIKE EVERY OTHER JOBIN THE WORLD,

MEN ARE BETTER AT ITIN MY EXPERIENCE.

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE CHICKIN THE FRIEND GROUP

WHO'S VERY PROUDOF HER ORAL SKILLS,

AND SHE'S PROBABLY NOT THE ONEWHO LOOKS GOOD NAKED.

GIRLS SEE WEENIESLIKE KIDS SEE BROCCOLI.

THEY HOLD THEIR NOSEAND CHOKE IT DOWN

AS LONG AS THEY KNOWTHERE'S A REWARD COMING.

THINK OF IT AS A--SUCKING A TRIP TO WINE COUNTRY.

YOU CAN ALWAYS SLIP A PINKYIN THE B-HOLE

WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE.

IT'S LIKE A CHEAT CODETO BEAT THE GAME FASTER.

I'VE ALREADY GONE ON RECORDAS SAYING

LIFE BEGINS AT THE ERECTION,

WHICH MAKES SWALLOWINGCANNIBALISM IN MY BOOK.

WARPED SHOULD BE COMMITTED--I MEAN COMMENDED.

AS OF YET, THERE'S NO LAWAGAINST A FELLA FELLATING FRUIT

ATTACHED TO A WEIRDDISEMBODIED TORSO.

THAT'S WHY I FLEW THATBANANA-SEXUAL TO HOLLYWOOD,

A CITY BUILT ON BJS,

FOR THIS WEEK'SCE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.

[FOLKSY GUITAR MUSIC]

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

YOU BLOW IT, YOU BUY IT.

OH, HELLO, DANIEL.WARPED BROWNLEE.

OH, THOUGHTI RECOGNIZED YOU.

LISTEN.WELCOME TO MY STAND.

EVERYTHING HEREIS FARMED TO BUTTHOLE.

YOU'RE WELCOME TO ANYTHING.

DIDN'T KNOW WE HADA CELEBRITY VISITING US.

MY FIRST QUESTION IS,

WHAT THE [BLEEP]IS ON YOUR FACE?

IT'S A CAN OF WAR PAINT.

I MEAN, SO DO YOUDO IT YOURSELF?

- YES.- EVERY MORNING?

NO, JUST ON MY DAYS OFFWHEN I'M NOT WORKING.

OKAY, SO YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED

TO WEAR SATANICWAR PAINT TO WORK.

NOT AT THE CEREAL FACTORY.

- AT THE CEREAL FACTORY?- YES.

- I MAKE CEREAL.- WHAT KIND OF CEREAL?

A LOT OF GRANOLA STUFF.

WHAT MILK DO YOU LIKEFOR YOUR CEREAL

WHEN YOU HAVE CEREAL?

2%.

WHY NOT JUST GO TO SKIM?

I DON'T LIKESOFT-ASS [BLEEP].

OKAY.

- WARPED BROWNLEE.- YES.

NOW, IS THAT YOUR GIVEN NAME?

I GOT THAT NAMEFROM MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

SHE SAID I WAS WARPED...

BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH OTHER PEOPLE.

I LIKE THE FACT THAT SHE,LIKE, OVERLOOKED

ALL OF THIS NONSENSEAND WENT WITH THE FACT

THAT YOU JUST WANTED TO SLEEPWITH OTHER PEOPLE.

YES, WE'RE STILLFRIENDS, THOUGH.

OKAY, SO SHE IS ALIVE.

OH, SHE'S ALIVE. YEAH.

I'VE BEEN MEANINGTO ASK YOU,

WHAT'S THE STORYABOUT THE VIDEO

WHERE YOU WERE [BLEEP]THAT STUFFED BEAR?

(WARPED BROWNLEE)THE TEDDY BEARHAS BECOME LEGENDARY...

- SURE.- ALL AROUND EUGENE, OREGON.

(DANIEL)JUST BECAUSE OF THE VIDEOS?

(WARPED BROWNLEE)'CAUSE I DO IT LIVE TOO.

THIS WEEK, ACTUALLY,THEY'RE HAVING A MEETING

AT MY WORK ABOUTSEXUAL HARASSMENT

INVOLVING VIDEOS,AND I CAN'T BE THERE.

WHAT, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO BE THERE?

- NO, 'CAUSE I'M HERE.- OH.

SO EVERYONEHAS TO WATCH--

GO THROUGH THIS MEETINGEXCEPT ME.

OH, WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY GOODTHAT YOU'RE NOT THERE.

IT'LL ALLOW A LOT OF THE STAFFTHAT'S TERRIFIED OF YOU

TO SPEAK FREELY.

DID WE PAT YOU DOWN?

NO.

JESUS.

THEY SAY THIS LOOKIS CALLED "LUMBERSEXUAL."

I THINK IT'S PRETTY SATANIC.

WHEN YOU USE THE WORD"SATANIC,"

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WORSHIPPING THE DEVIL?

- NO.- NO?

NOT IN A TRADITIONALSENSE, NO.

OKAY, SO WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND?- NO, I DON'T.

LIKE, DOES IT MEAN COOL?

COULD MEAN, YEAH,COOL OR THE BOMB OR--

THE BOMB?ALL RIGHT. I GET IT.

- I DO UNDERSTAND IT.- YEAH.

- SATANIC STYLE.- SATANIC STYLE.

YOU WANT TO GET THAT GOING.

OH, IT'S GOING.

WHAT TIME YOU GO TO BEDAT NIGHT?

I GO LATE.

- LIKE 10:30?- NO. NO, NO.

I GO TO BED, LIKE, AT 4:00IN THE MORNING.

OH, OKAY.

I WORK LATEAT THE CEREAL FACTORY.

BUT THEN I NEED TIME TO GOTO THE BARS AFTER WORK

AND DO SOME KARAOKE,SATANIC-STYLE.

WHAT KIND OF SATANIC-STYLEKARAOKE SONGS ARE YOU PICKING?

I'LL DO SOME RAP SONGSTO OPEN UP,

LOOSEN UP THE CROWD.

- SURE.- BACK THAT ASS UP.

THEY'RE NOT GONNASEE THAT COMING.

- BACK THAT ASS UP? - OH, YEAH.

- JUVENILE.- UNCENSORED.

I WILL SAY THE WORD [BLEEP].

WELL, I MEAN, TECHNICALLY,YOU'RE HALF BLACK.

SOME PEOPLE WOULD WATCH A VIDEOOF YOU BLOWING A FRUIT

OR TEACHING PEOPLEHOW TO GIVE A BLOW JOB

AND THINK THAT'S GAY.

- YOUR THOUGHTS.- KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU LISTENTO THE VIDEO,

IF YOU LISTEN TO IT,IT'S OBVIOUS I'M STRAIGHT.

- OF COURSE.- BUT NO ONE LISTENS.

IT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RETOO BUSY JERKING OFF.

I SAID IN THE VIDEO--

I SAID,"I'VE ONLY HAD 5 1/2."

I HAVEN'T GAVE 5 1/2.

I'VE NEVER GAVEN A BLOW JOB.

YET YOU TOOK TO ITLIKE A DUCK TO WATER.

WOULD YOU CLARIFYWHAT A HALF BLOW JOB IS?

YEAH.

WELL, IT'S WHEN THE GIRLIS BLOWING YOU

AND SHE PASSES OUTBEFORE SHE FINISHES.

AH, YOU DIDN'T TIMETHE MEDS RIGHT.

YEAH.

UM, HOW FAST COULD YOU GETA GUY OFF IF YOU HAD TO?

YOU SAW THE VIDEO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I FINISHEDBEFORE YOU STARTED.

THE HAND IS THE KEY.THAT'S THE MAIN PART, THE HAND.

THE GIRLS DON'T REALIZETHAT THE HAND'S DOING

ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING.

I'VE HAD GIRLS THATJUST USE THEIR MOUTH,

AND IT REALLYPISSES ME OFF.

[SCOFFS]

HOW FAR CAN YOUTAKE THIS DOWN?

UH, MY DEEP-THROATINGSKILLS AREN'T GREAT.

- I DON'T KNOW.- I CHALLENGE YOU.

SORRY.

I DON'T KNOW WHO WON.

HERE.I GOT TO SELL THIS, MAN.

BJS ARE ALL WELL AND GOOD,

BUT LET ME SHOW YOUHOW TO SATISFY A LADY.

I LIKE TO USE A POMEGRANATEBECAUSE IT'S RED AND GROSS

AND KIND OF CONFUSING,

JUST LIKE A LADY'SCOOLIEKAI.

[GROANS]

WELL, YOU GET THE IDEA.

WARPED, THERE'S BEEN SOMETHINGI'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU.

WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER...

FOOD PORN?

THAT'D BE REALLY[BLEEP] SATANIC.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ODD THAT YOU HAD THATON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

HELLO.

DID SOMEONE ORDER SOME

WET, JUICY FRUITON A STICK?

[FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

HEY, GOLDILOCKS, YOU GONNATAKE THIS, OR WHAT?

FINE.

THIS IS GOING UP YOUR ASS,ISN'T IT?

[FUNKY SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SQUISHING]

OH, GOD.

[BLENDER WHIRRING]

[SPITTING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

WHO'S HERE?

SORRY TO BUG YOU AGAIN,BUT THAT EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT

WAS FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR.

[GROANS]

OKAY, I AM POSITIVEI DIDN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING

CHOCOLATE-COVERED.

[GROANS]

GET MY MISTER OUT...

AND GOOD AS NEW.

I'M GONNA TAKE THISFOR MYSELF.

[APPLAUSE]

LET'S ALL PRETENDWE DIDN'T SEE THAT

AND NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.

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