Web Redemption - Naked Wizard

  • Season 3, Ep 13
  • 05/31/2011
  • Views: 144,544
0 comments

After Johnathan Felch gets tased at Coachella, Daniel takes him on a magical mystery trip to the land beyond the rainbow. (8:28)

[commotion]

- IT DOESN'T MATTER.

- HIS PENIS IS EVEN SMALLERTHAN LADY GAGA'S.

THAT'S JONATHAN FELCH,THE NAKED WIZARD,

AND HE WAS JUST TRYING TO ENJOYTHE COCHELLA MUSIC FESTIVAL,

A THREE-DAY CELEBRATIONOF OVERRATED BANDS.

REGULAR CONCERTS AREN'TBAD ENOUGH?

DO WE REALLY NEED TO ADD CAMPINGTO THE MIX?

MUSIC FESTIVALS ARE LIKETHIRD WORLD COUNTIES.

TENT CITIESWITH NO RUNNING WATER,

FLOPPY-TITTED TOPLESS CHICKS,AND TONS OF AIDS.

IS THIS BONNAROOOR SOMALIA?

YOU KNOW WHO NEVER GOESTO FESTIVALS?

BANDS WHO SELL A LOTOF TICKETS.

I'M GLAD THERE'S EIGHT STAGESTO CHOOSE FROM.

THAT SHOULD SOUNDFANTASTIC.

WHEN I LISTEN TO MUSIC AT HOMEI LIKE TO HAVE FIVE SONGS

GOING AT ONCE FROM DIFFERENTPARTS OF THE HOUSE.

AND SURE, STANDING OUTSIDEAND ROLLING ON "E"

WITH A BUNCH OF SMELLY HIPSTERSSOUNDS LIKE A BLAST,

BUT NOTHING MAKES A SUNBURNSTING MORE THAN

WHEN BAND OF HORSES IS PLAYINGTHE SOUNDTRACK TO YOUR RAPE.

THE WORST THING ABOUT MUSICFESTIVALS

IS THEY'RE FULL OF THE ONE THINGI TRY TO AVOID--YOU.

I'D MUCH RATHER DRAW A BATH,

PUT ON MY BANG AND OLUFSENSTEREO,

AND LISTEN TO MUSICLIKE A GENTLEMAN.

I'M FURIOUS IF I'M FURTHER BACKTHAN ROW "F".

SO I'LL PASS ON STANDINGTWO ACRES AWAY

IN THE 100 DEGREE HEATJUST TO KEEP BRANDON FLOWERS

FROM EYE-FUCKINGMY GIRLFRIEND.

I BLAME WOODSTOCK.

EVERYONE ACTS LIKEIT WAS SO GREAT.

BUT I SAW HALF OF THAT AWFULDEMETRI MARTIN MOVIE,

AND I BEG TO DIFFER.

PEACE AND LOVE.

MORE LIKE THREE DAYSOF LISTENING

TO A BUNCH OF HAIRY DRAFTDODGERS WINE ABOUT STUFF.

THE ONLY REASON WOODSTOCKWAS NECESSARY

IS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVEiTUNES.

STILL HARDLY SEEMS FAIR THEPOLICE TASED THE NAKED WIZARD

JUST BECAUSEHE TRIED TO ROCK OUT

WITH HIS TINY COCK OUT.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM HERETO PLAY A GAME OF JUST THE TIP--

OR AS HE CALLS IT,FULL INSERTION--

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

- JONATHAN.- WHAT'S UP, MAN?

- HOW ARE YOU.- GOOD, HOW YOU DOING?

- FIRST THINGS FIRST.I GOTTA SEE THAT PENIS.

- WHAT? NO.

- COME ON.I'LL SHOW YOU MINE.

- [sigh] ALL RIGHT.

- LET'S GO IN HERE.

- NAKED WIZARD!YOU ROCK MAN.

- THANKS, BRO.- WHAT ABOUT ME?

- TOSH.0 SUCKS.

- NOT COOL.NOT COOL.

- THANKS, MAN.

- COME ON IN.

- TORNADO!

- I THINK IT'D BE EASIERIF WE BOTH GOT COMPLETELY NAKED.

OH, I DON'T THINK WE'REIN COCHELLA ANYMORE.

- OH, MAN, I THINK WE LANDEDON DOROTHY.

- MIGHT AS WELL STEAL HERRUBY RED CHUCKS AND HER DOG.

YOU SO CUTE.- GO FOR IT MAN.

- NOW THAT WE'RE IN COLORI MIGHT AS WELL INTERVIEW YOU.

- JON, WHERE WERE YOUFOR THAT VIDEO?

- ME AND FOUR OF MY OTHERFRIENDS

DRIVE OUT TO THE FESTIVAL

AND WE WERE GONNA GO SEEPAUL MCCARTNEY.

THE FIRST THING THAT WE WANTTO DO IS GET, YOU KNOW,

THE PARTY FAVORS.

- DRUGS.- YEAH, EXACTLY.

I TOOK THIS STUFF AND IT WASON A Q-TIP.

ABOUT TEN MINUTES LATER,I'M STARTING TO TRIP OUT, MAN.

I MEAN, THIS IS LIKE--- [laughing]

- THIS IS LIKE MORE TRIPPINGTHAN IT SHOULD BE.

I DON'T REALLY REMEMBERWHAT EXACTLY

MADE ME WANT TO TAKEALL OF MY CLOTHES OFF.

I FIGUREIT'S A MUSIC FESTIVAL,

NOT MUCH OF A PROBLEM,RIGHT?

I BASICALLY CAME TOIN JAIL.

- THAT'S GOTTA BE WEIRDTO COME TO IN JAIL.

- IT WAS WEIRD, MAN.

- THAT'S LIKE THE LIVINGHANGOVER.

- I THOUGHT FOR A WHILETHAT I HAD PUT MYSELF

IN JAIL IN MY OWN HEAD.

AND THAT WAS KIND OF SCARY.

- YOU'RE THE DUDE.- KIND OF. YEAH, YEAH.

COME A WEEK LATER, MY FRIENDCALLS ME UP AND HE'S LIKE,

"DUDE, YOU GOT TO GETON YOUR COMPUTER.

YOU'RE ALL OVER YOUTUBE, MAN."

- DID IT MAKE YOU SICKTHE FIRST TIME YOU WATCHED IT?

- IT WAS PRETTY HARD TO WATCH.

PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME,POLICE BRUTALITY, NUDITY,

AND TASERS, AND--- AND YOUR PENIS.

- AND MY PENIS.

- HAVE YOU BEEN BACK TO PRISONSINCE THEN?

- ACTUALLY YEAH.

NOT PRISON BUT COUNTY JAIL.

- DID YOU TRY TO SUE THEMAT ALL?

- I'M NOT REALLY OUT TO MAKEA BUNCH OF MONEY

OFF THE POLICE DEPARTMENT?

- JUST THE SATISFACTION

OF TELLING THEM, "HEY,KNOCK IT OFF, YOU MANIACS.

UNDERSTAND THE SITUATIONTHAT YOU'RE IN AND CALM DOWN."

- AND THEY TASED ME IN THE NECK,THEY TASED ME NEAR THE HEART.

AND THOSE ARE THINGSTHAT ARE AGAINST THE LAW

FOR THEM TO DO.- REPEATEDLY.

- TASERS CAN KILL PEOPLE.

- IT IS IRONIC, THOUGH,BECAUSE MOST VICTIMS OF

POLICE BRUTALITY ARE USUALLYBLACK GUYS WITH HUGE DICKS.

- RIGHT.I KNOW, WEIRD.

WHAT IF THE PERSONTHAT WAS NAKED,

RUNNING AROUND COCHELLAWAS A WOMAN?

- AT ONE POINT I THOUGHTTHAT WAS A CLITORIS.

- OH, GOD, THANKS.

DRUGS CAN KIND OF MAKE YOUSHRIVEL UP.

- HAVE YOU DONE LSD SINCE THEN?

- YEAH, YEAH, I HAVE.

- WELL, YOU GOTTA GET BACK UPON THE HORSE.

- YEAH.

- KIDS, LET THAT BE A LESSONTO YOU.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD TRIP,TRY IT AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

- I'M A FIRE DANCER.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S STOPRIGHT THERE.

BECAUSE YOU SAID FIRE DANCERAND ACTED LIKE THAT WAS NORMAL.

- YEAH.- WHAT IS A FIRE DANCER?

- WELL, I DO JUGGLING,AND I DO POI, AND I DO BATONS,

AND STAFFS.

I'VE BEEN KIND OF A CIRCUS FREAKFOR A LONG TIME NOW.

HOW MANY PEOPLE ON THE INTERNETSAW YOUR PENIS?

- IT WAS PRETTY SOONAFTER THE VIDEO WAS POSTED

THAT THEY STARTED PUTTINGTHE BLACK DOT OVER IT.

- AND IT'S KIND OF APPROPRIATETHEY USED A DOT.

- DEFINITELY HURTS MY GAME,YOU KNOW?

- DID IT COMPLETELY KILLYOUR GAME?

- IT'S NOT LIKE MY GAME WAS ALLTHAT GOOD IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT I MEAN, I'M USUALLYTHE LIFE OF THE PARTY.

I MEAN, I DANCE WITH FIRE.THAT'S KINDA COOL.

- HAS A WOMAN EVER SAID,

"YOU'RE THE BIGGEST MANI HAVE BEEN WITH"?

- NO, DEFINITELY NOT.

- HOW BIG IS YOUR PENISWHEN IT'S AROUSED?

- UM, MAYBE LIKE FIVE INCHES.

- OH, THAT IS QUITETHE TRANSFORMATION.

- YEAH, LIKE I SAID,I'M A GROWER NOT A SHOWER.

- IS IT THICK?- YEAH.

- HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDEREDHAVING SEX WITH A LITTLE PERSON?

- NO.

- MY THEORY IS THATIT WOULD LOOK A LOT BIGGER.

- THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA,ACTUALLY.

- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUTTO GET YOUR OPPORTUNITY.

CAN YOU GUYS HELP US?

- THE WIZARD OF OZ CAN HELP YOUWITH ANYTHING YOU NEED.

- HE NEEDS A BIGGER PENIS,

AND HE'D LIKE TO SEEPAUL McCARTNEY.

I JUST WANT TO GET HOME.

- THEN FOLLOWTHE YELLOW BRICK ROAD.

IT'S A LONG JOURNEY,PAST A DARK GLADE,

PATROLLED BY THE WITCH'SWINGED MONKEY SOLDIERS.

- FORGET THE YELLOW BRICK ROADAND THOSE FLYING AIDS MONKEYS.

GOOGLE MAPS SAYS IT'SFOUR BLOCKS THIS WAY.

LET'S GO, COME ON.

- I KNOW YOU,YOU'RE THAT PUSSY LION.

- NO, I AM AZLAN.

I'M HERE TO CONVINCETHE WIZARD OF OZ

TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRISTINTO HIS HEART.

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

- I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S THERE.

I'VE BEEN WAITINGQUITE AWHILE.

- HUH.

- BEAT IT, JESUS FREAK.

- I AM THE GREATAND POWERFUL OZ.

KOO-KOO-KACHOO.WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- WHOA! PAUL MCCARTNEY,YOU'RE THE WIZARD?

- THAT'S RIGHT, LOVE.

SORRY YOU DIDN'T GETTO SEE ME AT COACHELLA.

[dog barks]

- WHAT IS IT, BOY?IS SOMETHING BACK HERE?

both:JAMES VAN DER BEEK!

- WHAT ARE YOUDOING HERE?

- THE BEEKIS AN ENIGMA, MAN.

YOU NEVER KNOWWHERE I'LL POP UP.

SO...

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- GOD DAMMIT,YOU ARE GOOD LOOKING.

UH, MR. BEEK,I JUST WANNA GO HOME.

HE'D LIKE A BIGGER PENIS.

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,THROW A FEW INCHES MY WAY.

- HE DOESN'T NEEDA BIGGER PENIS.

HE'S HAD A BIG PENIS INSIDE HIMTHIS WHOLE TIME.

- OH!

[audience oohs]

- I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE.

- GET US OUT OF HERE,DANIEL, HUH?

- THERE'S NO PLACELIKE HOME,

THERE'S NO PLACELIKE HOME,

THERE'S NO PLACELIKE HOME.

[dance music playing]

OH. IT WAS ALLA WET DREAM.

- YEP.

- WAS JAMES VAN DER BEEKIN YOURS?

- ALWAYS.

- ME TOO.

- YEAH.

- THE BEEK.I LOVE THE BEEK.

[applause]

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