It Gets Way Worse - Uncensored

  • Season 3, Ep 318
  • 07/05/2011
  • Views: 126,035
0 comments

When it comes to marriage, you may think it gets better, but in actuality, it gets way, way, way, way, way worse. (4:15)

>> I KNEW AT A YOUNG AGE

THAT I WAS VERY DIFFERENT.

>> I STARTED OUT AS SORT OF

A TOMBOY, AND I LIKED TO PLAY

WITH THE BOYS AND I LIKED TO

PLAY WITH BOY THINGS.

>> I BROUGHT MY SISTER'S DOLL TO

SHOW AND TELL.

>> EVERY TIME I WOULD GO ON

THE FIELD OR ON THE COURT,

I ALWAYS FELT OSTRACIZED FROM

THE REST OF THE TEAM.

>> THEY'D CALL ME FAGGOT

AND PUSH ME AROUND.

>> I CAN DEFINITELY TELL YOU--

AND I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD EVER GET

BETTER, BUT IT REALLY, REALLY

DOES GET BETTER.

>> IF I COULD JUST COME THROUGH

THE SCREEN RIGHT NOW AND JUST

GIVE YOU A BIG HUG AND TELL YOU

IT GETS BETTER, I WOULD TOTALLY

DO THAT.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS REALLY BETTER.

>> EVERYTHING GETS BETTER.

>> I'M NOT TOO SURE.

[laughter]

THAT'S THE "IT GETS BETTER"

CAMPAIGN, AND APPARENTLY IT

DOES, BECAUSE NEW YORK JUST MADE

GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL.

THAT'S WHY I PUT TOGETHER MY OWN

CAMPAIGN TO MAKE YOU AWARE OF

THE PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE CALLED

YOU MAY THINK IT GETS BETTER,

BUT IN ACTUALITY, IT GETS WAY,

WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY WORSE.

>> BEING MARRIED IS LIKE LIVING

WITH A CRAZIER VERSION OF YOUR

OWN MOTHER WHO YOU ALSO HAVE TO

HAVE SEX WITH.

>> THE BEST PART ABOUT BEING

MARRIED IS LEAVING FOR WORK

IN THE MORNING.

>> IT TURNS YOU INTO

A DISHONEST PERSON.

IF YOU WANT TO SNEAK AROUND FOR

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, THEN BY

ALL MEANS, GET MARRIED.

>> WHEN I MET HER, SHE SAID SHE

HATED HER MOTHER.

FOUR YEARS LATER, I CAN'T SPEND

A WEEKEND WITHOUT THAT OLD BITCH

IN MY HOUSE.

>> MY WIFE RAN OUT OF GOOD

STORIES ON THE THIRD DATE,

AND I'VE BEEN TALKING TO THAT

WOMAN FOR 35 YEARS.

>> SHE ENDS EVERY CONVERSATION

WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

STATEMENT LIKE, "WELL, I GUESS

YOU JUST DON'T WANT ME TO GO

WITH YOU."

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DON'T.

>> BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, I

THOUGHT I'D NEVER WANT TO BE

WITH ANYONE BUT HER, BUT I ALSO

THOUGHT 311 WAS A GOOD BAND.

>> WHEN I FIRST MET MY WIFE,

SHE HAD A NICE BIG SET

OF ROUND TITS.

AND 12 YEARS LATER, THEY HANG

BELOW HER BELLY BUTTON,

AND SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY

I'D RATHER MASTURBATE.

>> I'VE STUDIED EVERY CASE WHERE

A HUSBAND HAS MURDERED HIS WIFE.

>> AT THIS POINT IN THE

RELATIONSHIP, I WOULD RATHER

MAKE LOVE TO A ROAST BEEF

SANDWICH.

>> AND IF I DID KILL HER,

PRETTY SURE I COULD GET AWAY

WITH IT.

>> I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WANTING

TO LOOK AT MY WIFE'S NAKED BODY.

>> MY WIFE WANTS ME TO PAY FOR

HER TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL TO

BECOME A NUTRITIONIST.

A NUTRITIONIST.

IS THAT EVEN A REAL THING?

>> SHE'S ALWAYS SAYING SHE'S MY

BEST FRIEND, BUT WHAT SHE REALLY

WANTS IS TO BE MY ONLY FRIEND.

AND THAT'S WHY SHE'S A SHITTY

PERSON.

>> I CONSTANTLY FANTASIZE ABOUT

A PHIL HARTMAN MURDER-SUICIDE

SCENARIO, BUT ONE WHERE I

SURVIVE AND WIND UP DATING

24-YEAR-OLDS FOR THE REST

OF MY LIFE.

>> PROBABLY THE GREATEST REGRET

OF MY LIFE IS WHEN I CAVED IN TO

MY WIFE'S ULTIMATUM AND ASKED

HER TO MARRY ME.

>> AFTER BEING MARRIED, YOU'LL

FIND OUT THERE IS NO PERFECT

ONE.

YOU DIDN'T FIND THE ONE.

YOU FOUND A ONE.

>> WHEN I ASKED HER TO SIGN A

PRENUP, SHE SAID IT MEANT

I DIDN'T LOVE HER.

AND THE TRUTH IS,

SHE WAS RIGHT.

I DIDN'T LOVE HER.

I WAS JUST TOO SCARED AND LAZY

TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE.

>> THERE WAS NOTHING BETTER THAN

THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I COULD JUST

WALK OUT THAT DOOR WITH NO

CONSEQUENCES.

NOW I'M IN A HOSTAGE SITUATION.

>> THERE'S, LIKE, ONE GOOD

MARRIAGE IN THE WORLD,

AND THAT'S THE TRAVOLTAS.

THEY SEEM HAPPY.

>> MY WIFE THINKS AN HOUR A WEEK

OF YOGA IS GONNA KEEP HER BODY

FROM GOING TO SHIT.

SURE, I DON'T LOOK AS GOOD

AS I USED TO, EITHER, BUT THAT'S

NOT MY JOB.

>> THE ONLY REASON I EVEN LISTEN

TO HER ANYMORE IS SO I CAN MAKE

HER LOOK STUPID WHEN SHE ASKS,

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"

>> MARRYING SOMEONE MEANS ALWAYS

PUTTING THEM ABOVE YOURSELF.

I DON'T WANT TO PUT ANYONE ABOVE

MYSELF.

>> WE BOTH WANT A DIVORCE,

BUT NEITHER OF US WANTS THE KID

FULL-TIME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE GAVE BIRTH

TO SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

>> YOU KNOW HOW SHE NEVER SHUTS

UP ABOUT SHIT YOU DON'T CARE

ABOUT?

YEAH, THAT'LL GET WAY BETTER

IN 40 YEARS.

>> I HATE STAYING HOME AND

TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS ALL DAY

LONG.

AND, YES, I HAVE A NANNY,

BUT IT'S STILL A FULL-TIME JOB.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I CAN'T EVEN SAY THAT WITH

A STRAIGHT FACE.

I THINK MARRIAGE IS THE GREATEST

THING IN THE WORLD.

AND IF THE GUY EVER CHEATS ON

ME, CA-CHING!

IT GETS EVEN BETTER.

>> I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR SEXUAL

ORIENTATION IS.

MARRIAGE IS TERRIBLE.

>> IT GETS WORSE.

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WORSE.

>> GOL, I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER

ABOUT BEING ALONE.

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