(Jack)Oh, God! Oh, God!
(man)Jesus, are you kidding me?
(Jack)It's on my face!It's on my face!
(man)God damn it, Jack.
No clue what to dowith this.
(Jack)You got to help me!
It's in my eyes.
(man)I got to see what to do,ding-a-ling.
I said, "Don't microwave it.
Don't screw around."
Not to mention, it's all overyour awesome shirt.
(Jack)It'll come out!
(man)What'd you dowith a beautiful shirt on--
and get it in your eyes.
Am I ever rightabout anything, Jack?
(Jack)It's in my [bleep] eye!
You seemed fine.
And now you'reputting water--
I didn't say put water.
You're supposed to let it coolbefore eating it, dickweed.
That glow-in-the-darkding-a-ling is Jack,
and when he ignoredhis dad's advice,
yet again,he ended up looking
like he took a loadfrom the Incredible Hulk.
Microwaves were developedby busy scientists
who didn't wantto wait around all day
for the smell of burnt popcorn.
It's a tanning bed for food
that makes your meals mushy,wet, and scalding hot.
Then why am I alwayshaving to finger my burrito
for cold spots?
Because I enjoy it.
They say you're not supposedto stand in front of microwaves,
but you're reheatingfive-day-old Panda Express,
so would cancerreally be that bad?
If you don't want mestaring at it,
make that stupid mesh windoweasier to see through
and stop spinning my foodlike it's at a car show.
Just don't be one of those jerksthat acts all superior
because you don't owna microwave.
Oh, we get it,you live in Portland
and preparemeals from your garden.
I'm a grown-up who has a job.
Like myself as a teen, Jackis all about experimentation.
Did Neil Armstrong worryabout ruining his awesome shirt
when he allegedlywalked on the moon?
No one knows.
That's why I flew Jack to L.A.,
where peopleonly have microwaves
so they can tellif the power went out
while they were on vacationin this week's Web Redemption.
- Hey, Jack.- Hey, Daniel.
I'm this close to provingthat global warming
is a hoax perpetuatedby liberal scientists.
What's in the Crock-Pot?
Please, Jack,put the lid on it.
Do you have any ideahow long it takes
to slow-cookglow sticks?
- No.- Me neither.
No one does.
This is a firstfor science.
What grade are you in?
I'm a sophomore.
- High school?- Yes.
How's that going?
What were you doing that day?
Well, I had just goneto the Halloween store,
and I saw these glowsticks, and I'm like,
"I got to havesome glow sticks.
And I remembered this videothat I had seen previously
about this guy whomicrowaved glow sticks,
and they got really bright.
- Oh, okay.- Yeah.
So my dad had warned me,"Don't do it."
Okay, wait, you ran itpast your father first?
Like, "Hey, here'san awful idea.
What are yourthoughts?"
I do that a lot.
He said,"Do not do that."
He didn't say,"Don't do it."
He didn't say,"Don't do it"?
He said, like,"It's a bad idea."
And he thoughtthat was--
he thoughtthat was enough.
He didn't realizethat he's working
with a monkey brain.
So I went, and I put itin the microwave,
and it worked the first time.
Wait a second.
How long did youput it in for?
The first time,10 seconds.
What did you when you had
your super bright glow stick?
I took pictures of it,and I was excited.
I was--because I hada bright glow stick.
So then I put itin the freezer.
- Why?- Opposite effect.
What, does thatmake it not glow?
And for a long time.
It last--that lastedfor, like, four days.
Yeah, it's gonnanot glow forever.
That was a good one.
So I wanted to put itin for longer,
and I wantedto videotape it
to send to my girlfriend.
It didn'tgo smoothly.
Is that the first timeyou've had a hot load
sprayed in your face?
I think so, yeah.
What did it taste like?
I can't even describe it.
It's nothingthat you want to taste.
You'd be surprisedwhat I'd like to taste.
(man)Not to mention it's all overyour awesome shirt.
(Jack)That'll come out.
(man)What'd you dowith a beautiful shirt on.
That's really funnythat your dad said that--
your--your awesome,beautiful shirt.
It was a beautiful shirt.
Past tense.It's ruined?
No, I'm wearing itright now.
- Oh, that's it?- Yeah, that's it.
Why did he likethat shirt so much?
Well, my mombuys it for me.
He sees, like,the prices that come in.
- Mm-hmm. I respect that.- Yeah.
Your fatherkept saying,
"Am I rightabout anything?"
(man)Am I ever rightabout anything, Jack?
Has he ever been rightabout anything?
To my concern, no.
Your dad called 911.
(man)No, I got a son
that got some stuff in his eyes,
and then I finally founddirections
of what to do for it,so I'm okay.
Did they actuallyshow up to the house?
- Yes, they did.- You know what?
I'm glad they showed up,because he--
the way he got themoff the phone quickly,
I was like, "Man, if theyjust let that slide,
that could've beenany murderer."
Have you ever madeanything in the oven?
No, that's a girl thing.
The best chefsin the world are men.
They use stove top.
They do not use oven--it's more of, like, a--
They use stove top?
And, like, grills.
You are literally--I don't--
have your parentshad you tested?
Is this your thing?
You like to dodangerous,
dumb stuffall the time?
Yeah, I've built oneof those aerosol cannons.
What's an aerosol cannon?
You, like,get a pipe.
As soonas I hear this,
I think youshould be flagged,
immediately yankedout of school,
and put in some juvie.
What do you want to dowith your life?
Well, actually,I want to be an architect,
but then I learned thatthat requires a lot of math.
I'm thinking, like,an architect manager.
I just thought aboutthat, like, a week ago.
You can't just put "manager"after a profession
and think that's a job.
I'd like to bean astronaut manager.
That would probablybe a high-paid job.
Sure, because,you know,
you get to managethe astronauts.
You get to fly up.
You don't haveto actually drive.
Ding-a-ling, your earlymicrowaving work
I knew I wasonto something.
But we need to expandour horizon.
We owe it to thescientific community
to find outwhat happens
when you microwaveother dumb [bleep].
Are these glassesgonna protect me?
But you look cool.
Oh, it's beautiful.
- Whoa.- Okay. Okay.
Do you want me to take themout of the carton?
No, keepthe smell in there.
I think eggs explode,though, right?
(Daniel)Now, if this doesn't turn into
a pumpkin spice latte,
I don't understandthermodynamics.
Doesn't it make youjust want to
curl upwith a nice book
and put on somenipple clamps?
We're goingfor max time limit
on a TV dinner.
Whoa!What, are you crazy?
We got to vent it.
You're a goodassistant.
(Daniel)This can last you all month.
Just reheat itwhen you're hungry.
(Daniel)If my calculations are correct,
this should open up a wormholeinto the fifth dimension
and make those coollittle sparky things.
[booming in slow motion]
(Daniel)Okay, Jack, people only use
10% of their microwaves.
We need to use the other 90%to save the world.
All right, Jack.
We're here at ISISheadquarters.
You sure about this?
What are you two ding-a-lingsdoing here?
We're blowing upISIS, dad.
Your son's gonna bea part of history.
We will livein fear no longer!
That's not ISIS.
(Daniel)"Child Care Crisis
Why would ISIS advertisetheir American headquarters?
Okay, I mean, sure.
Now that makesa lot of sense.
Jack, you'rein a lot of trouble.
If you don't getthese microwaves off,
you can kiss thatawesome shirt good-bye.
[long, loud beeping]
Why did you put a bombin a microwave?
Okay, we thought nuking a bombwould make it a nuclear bomb.
That's the stupidest thingI've ever heard.
We need to get out of here now.
But what aboutall the kids inside?
If any kids know howto deal with crisis,
it's these kidsfrom ISIS.
Am I ever right about any--
I've neverlistened to my dad either,
and now I'm rich and famous-ish.