Web Intervention - Guy on Shrooms - Uncensored

  • Season 3, Ep 326
  • 10/18/2011
  • Views: 141,659
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Daniel holds an intervention for the guy who had a naked freak-out on magic mushrooms while at home with his mom. (7:39)

- 90-102.- GO AHEAD.

- HI.IT'S OKAY.

- AS I'M NOT!AS I'M NOT!

- IT'S OKAY.- AS I'M NOT.

THIS IS THE LAST HEARTBEAT.

- IT'S OKAY.IT'S OKAY.

I--I UNDERSTAND.

- AS I'M GOING TO DIE.

GONNA GRAB MY BALLS.

GONNA GRAB--GRAB MY BALLSONE LAST TIME.

IT'S OKAY.I CAN FEEL IT.

I CAN HEAR THIS ONE.IT'S WEIRD.

EVEN THOUGH I--ON CAM,GONNA GRAB MY BALLS.

KA-PUSH!

- WE'RE GOOD.

- KA-PUSH!KA-PUSH!

THIS IS GONNA DIE, THOUGH.THIS IS GONNA DIE, THOUGH.

- REMEMBER YOUR MOM'SALL WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

TRY TO RELAXSO WE CAN HELP YOU.

- MOM!

- YOUR MOM'S A NARC.

THAT EXPERIMENTAL DRUG USERSTILL LIVING AT HOME IS TIM,

AND HE WASTRIPPING ON SHROOMS.

I DON'T USEILLEGAL SUBSTANCES,

BECAUSE WHENYOUR REALITY IS FABULOUS,

THERE'S NO NEED TO ESCAPE.

BUT IF YOU CAN'TAFFORD A VACATION,

DRUGS ARE ANEXCELLENT OPTION.

I COULD NEVERBE AN ALCOHOLIC.

THERE ARE TOO MANYEMPTY CALORIES IN BOOZE.

HEROIN, HOWEVER,HAS ZERO CALORIES,

AND GIVES YOUTHAT NICE, LEAN LOOK.

BUT ANYTHING BEATS SPENDINGTHE REST OF YOUR LIFE

IN A CHURCH BASEMENT,WORKING THE 12 STEPS.

ESPECIALLY NUMBER NINE.

I HAVEN'T APOLOGIZEDTO ANYONE IN 15 YEARS.

SOME ADDICTS BECOME BORN-AGAINCHRISTIANS DURING RECOVERY.

JESUS MIGHT FORGIVEALL YOUR SINS,

BUT YOU STILL OWE ME1,200 BUCKS.

BY THE WAY,THERE'S NO SUCH THING

AS AN ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE.

OH, YOU MISTAKENLY TOOK16 OXYCODONE

WHEN THE BOTTLECLEARLY SAID 1?

THEN THE REAL TRAGEDYWAS THAT HEATH COULDN'T COUNT.

I'VE WATCHED EVERY SEASONOF CELEBRITY REHAB,

AND IT NEVER WORKS.

MAYBE BECAUSE DR. DREW

IS ADDICTED TO BEINGAN ATTENTION WHORE.

GOD FORBIDHE SHOULD HAVE TO SLUM IT

BY DOING ACTUAL HEALINGWITH NO CAMERAS AROUND.

ADDICTION IS NOT A DISEASE.

YOU CAN'T STOP HAVING CANCER.

YOU CAN STOP SNORTING COKE.

STEVE JOBS HAD A DISEASE.

STEVE-O HAD BAD PARENTS.

TIM JUST MADESOME TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES.

SO I DID WHAT ANYTV HOST WOULD DO.

I EXPLOITEDHIS CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY

FOR MY OWN PERSONAL GAIN,

AND BROUGHT HIM TO THE MOSTTOXIC PLACE ON EARTH

IN THIS WEEK'SWEB INTERVENTION.

[applause]

- HI. IT'S OKAY.IT'S OKAY.

- AS I'M NOT!

AAH!

LAST TIME I SHOOK IT,I GRABBED MY BALLS, AND I--

[breathing rapidly]

- YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

- [speaking gibberish]

KILL ME!

I LOVE YOU,BUT THIS IS GONNA DIE, THOUGH!

- WHERE ARE YOU FROM, TIM?

- I'M FROM APPLETON,WISCONSIN.

- WHAT'S THE BEST THING TO DOIN APPLETON BESIDES DRUGS?

- MY FAVORITE THING TO DO

IS JUST GO FOR LONG WALKSAND LOOK FOR CELL PHONE TOWERS.

SO I CAN AVOIDGETTING REALLY CLOSE TO THEM.

- WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

- I AM CURRENTLY"UNDER-EMPLOYED" AT PIZZA HUT.

- I LIKE "UNDER-EMPLOYED."

ALL RIGHT,TELL ME ABOUT THAT VIDEO.

WHEN WAS THAT,AND WHAT HAPPENED?

- THAT WAS TWO SUMMERS AGO.

I ATE A MUSHROOM,AND MY MOM CAME HOME.

AND I STARTED SAYING A BUNCH OFTHINGS THAT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.

AND ONE OF THE THINGSI SAID WAS "MUSHROOMS."

ANOTHER THING I SAID WAS"I'M GONNA DIE."

SHE CALLED 911.

BUT THEY ALSO HADA POLICE OFFICER WITH THEM.

AND THAT SCARED ME,

SO I WAS LIKE, "OKAY,

I'M JUST GONNALAY DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW."

- YOU WERE STILL NAKED.- OH, YEAH.

- DID YOU GET RUG BURNON YOUR WIENER?

- I DON'T RECALL THAT,

BUT ONCE THE COPS STARTED,LIKE, STRAPPING ME TO TABLES,

YOU JUST DON'T WANTTO DO THAT TO SOMEBODY

THAT'S EATEN, YOU KNOW,ANY KIND OF HALLUCINOGEN.

- DID YOU EVER THINK

YOU COULD BREAK OUTOF THOSE RESTRAINTS

BY MAKINGYOUR EXPLOSION NOISE?

- KA-PUSH!

I THOUGHT THAT THATWAS PART OF

THE WHOLE, LIKE,"I WAS GONNA DIE" THING,

AND THAT THEYWERE ACTUALLY GONNA

SQUEEZE THE AIR OUT OF MY LUNGS.

- DID YOU END UP DYING?

- I THINK I MAY HAVE JUST

CAME INFINITELY CLOSER ANDCLOSER TO THE MOMENT OF DYING,

AND WAS REBORN.

- YOU MIGHT BE JESUS.

- WELL, LET'S NOT GO OVERBOARD.

- WHY WOULDN'TTHEY LET YOU GRAB YOUR BALLS?

- THAT STILL BOTHERS METO THIS DAY.

BECAUSE--I MEAN, EVEN NOW,I'M SINKING INTO THIS COUCH.

- A MAN SOMETIMESHAS TO TOUCH HIS BALLS.

YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.

- I--YEAH.

[speaking gibberish]GRAB A SHOVEL!

- WHY DID YOU ASK YOUR MOTHERFOR A SHOVEL?

- SO THAT SHE COULD, LIKE,HELP GET THESE PEOPLE AWAY,

AND FREE ME FROM THE TABLE.

- SHOVEL IS THE GO-TO.- I GUESS.

- YOU HAD FORGIVEN YOURSELFFOR EATING ALL THE MEAT.

- ALL THE MEAT I'VE EATEN,I FORGIVE MYSELF.

- THAT MEANS YOU'REA PRETTY PURE PERSON,

THAT THAT THOUGHT CAME TO YOUR MIND.

- NAH.

- WELL, I MEAN,IT WOULD BE A LOT WORSE

IF YOU'RE LIKE, "I APOLOGIZEABOUT THAT KID I KILLED

AND BURIED IN THE BACKYARD."

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE BEING NAKEDIN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER?

- ABSOLUTELY.I WAS BEFORE THIS.

BUT I HAVE MIXED FEELINGSABOUT IT.

- DOES YOUR MOTHER NOW KNOW

HOW TO REACTWHEN YOU'RE ON SHROOMS?

- I HAVEN'T DONE THEM SINCE.

- YOU HAVEN'T DONE SHROOMSONE TIME SINCE THEN?

- NO. I'M REALLY NOTBIG INTO DRUGS AT ALL.

- DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSEON YOUR RECORD?

- MARIJUANA POSSESSION.YEAH.

I MIGHT AS WELLJUST TELL THE WORLD, YOU KNOW?

- HAS THAT VIDEO MADE YOUMORE POPULAR IN YOUR HOMETOWN?

- ONLY AFTER I TOLD, LIKE,TWO OR THREE PEOPLE

THAT I WAS COMING HERETO DO THIS.

- THIS IS GONNA OPEN UPWAY MORE DOORS FOR YOU.

- I DON'T KNOW.

- PIZZA HUT'SGONNA HAVE A LONG LINE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

I GOT US TICKETSTO THE LADY ANTEBELLUM

LASER LIGHT SHOWAT THE PLANETARIUM.

- ALL RIGHT. COOL.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- SURPRISE!THIS ISN'T A LASER LIGHT SHOW.

IT'S AN INTERVENTION.

THESE PEOPLELOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY,

AND I WANT YOUTO HEAR 'EM OUT.

- HI, MOM.HEY, DAD.

WHAT ARE THE REST OFTHESE PEOPLE DOING HERE?

- GUESSING THEY'RE EARLYFOR THE NEXT INTERVENTION.

- AND WHYIS THERE A CLOWN HERE?

- HE'S ADDICTED TO SMILES,

AND I INVITED HIMBECAUSE THESE THINGS

ARE ALWAYS SO DEPRESSING.

- SON, WE'RE HERE TODAY

BECAUSE WE WANTEDA FREE TRIP TO L.A.

- WE DON'T THINKYOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

- TIMOTHY, I JOTTED DOWNA FEW THINGS TOO.

YOUR LIFE HASAFFECTED ME IN A WAY

THAT WHEN YOU DO DRUGS,

YOU TURN MY HEARTINTO A BIG, BLACK JELLY BEAN.

- [laughs]

I KNEW IT WAS A GOOD IDEAINVITING THIS GUY.

TIMOTHY, BECAUSE OF YOUR DRUGUSE, I GOT TO SEE YOU NAKED.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY.

AND AFTER HEARINGYOUR PARENTS' LETTER,

I'M NOT SURE YOU'VEHIT ROCK BOTTOM YET.

SO I'M RESCINDINGTHE GIFT OF REHAB UNTIL YOU DO.

HERE WE GO.

- ALL RIGHT,WHAT DID YOU GET?

- BATH SALTS,AIR DUSTERS, AND JENKEM.

- WHAT'S JENKEM?

- FERMENTED PEE AND POO.

BUT DON'T WORRY.IT'S MINE.

- WHAT DO YOU WANTTO START WITH?

- WELL, IF YOU REALLYWANT TO PARTY,

YOU DO 'EM ALL AT ONCE.

IT'S CALLEDA SALTY TURD STORM.

I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

[in slow motion]I DON'T THINK IT'S WORKING.

[laughter]

THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD.

I'M GONNA GRAB MY BALLSONE LAST TIME.

I CAN HEAR THIS ONE.

[grunting]

MOM, GET THE SHOVEL!MOM, GET THE SHOVEL!

I GRABBED MY BALLS,AND I SHOOK.

[in slow motion]IS I'M GOING TO DIE?

THIS IS GONNA DIE.THIS IS GONNA DIE.

[voice echoing]

NO, NO,THIS IS GONNA DIE, THOUGH.

I CAN NOT BELIEVEIT HAPPENED AGAIN.

- DID WE KILL A CLOWNLAST NIGHT?

- UGH.WELCOME TO ROCK BOTTOM.

THINK YOU'RE READYFOR REHAB.

YOU READYTO TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK?

- WELCOME TO REHAB.

- AMY WINEHOUSE?

BUT YOU'RE--

- WE MUST HAVE OVERDOSED.

- SHIT.

ARE YOU DRINKING?

- YEAH.THIS IS HEAVEN.

YOU CAN DRINKIN REHAB HERE.

COME ON IN.

- WHY ARE THEJONAS BROTHERS HERE?

THEY'RE NOT DEAD.

- BECAUSE THIS WON'T AIRFOR FOUR WEEKS.

AND HOW AMAZING WOULD IT BEIF THEY ALL ACTUALLY DIED?

[laughter]

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