Spoiler Alert - Oscars 2013 - Uncensored

  • Season 5, Ep 503
  • 02/19/2013
  • Views: 75,494
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Daniel reviews and spoils all of the films nominated for best picture at the Academy Awards. (9:29)

AND NOW TO PRESENT THEOSCAR FOR BEST PICTURE

TWO-TIME TEEN CHOICE AWARDNOMINEE DANIEL TOSH.

[applause]

- THANK YOU.

I'M HONORED TO BE HERE

WITH THE MOST TALENTED FOLKSIN SHOW BUSINESS

AND SETH MACFARLAND.

THANKS, SETH,

FOR TAKING TIME OFFFROM COLORING TO HOST TONIGHT.

YOUR VOICES ARE NOT ANNOYINGAT ALL.

CHRISTIAN BALE,NO JOKES.

I JUST WANT TO BEYOUR FRIEND.

AND NOW, THE AWARD FORBEST PICTURE OF THE YEAR.

OUR FIRST NOMINEE IS A MOVIEABOUT THE GUY ON THE PENNY

AND HIS INSUFFERABLE WIFE.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERTFOR LINCOLN.

[applause]

THE WAR IS ABOUT TOCOME TO AN END,

AND THE WRITING'SON THE WALL.

THE SOUTH IS GONNA LOSE.

LINCOLN KNOWS HE'S GOT TO GETHIS 13TH AMENDMENT PASSED.

THE DEMOCRATSARE THE FUCKING ASSHOLES.

WHERE HAVE WE SWITCHED?

EVERY CHANCE HE GETS, JUST,

DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOUA LONG, LONG, STORY?

HONEST ABE HAD TO BASICALLYLIE, CHEAT, STEAL, AND IT WINS.

IT WINS BIG.

IMAGINE HOW MUCH BETTERHE WOULD HAVE BEEN

IF THAT BATSHIT WIFEOF HIS

WOULD HAVE JUST SHUTHER MOUTH OCCASIONALLY.

NOW HE'S GOT TO GOTO A PLAY.

WHY? BECAUSE HIS WHINY BITCHOF A WIFE IS NEVER HAPPY.

I JUST FREEDA RACE OF PEOPLE.

I LITERALLY THINKHE MIGHT HAVE SHOT HIMSELF.

AND SOMEBODY COMES OUTON STAGE AND GOES,

"THE PRESIDENTHAS BEEN SHOT,"

AND THAT'SHOW THE MOVIE ENDS.

THE ONE THINGI WANTED TO SEE,

THE WHOLE MOVIE,

AND YOU'RE NOT GONNASHOW IT TO ME?

LINCOLN.

- IF YOU LOVED BENNY & JOON AND HATED INVINCIBLE,

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TOSIT THROUGH OUR NEXT NOMINEE.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK.

[applause]

IT STARTS OUT, BRADLEY COOPERIS IN AN INSANE ASYLUM, RIGHT?

WHO DIDN'T LOVECHRIS TUCKER?

I WANT TO FUCK MS. PARKER.

HE WANTS TO GETHIS WIFE BACK.

THEY ACTUALLY EVENTUALLYSHOW YOU THE FLASHBACK.

OPENS UP THE SHOWER CURTAIN,

AND SHE'S JUST GETTINGFUCKED BY THE GYM TEACHER.

SO THAT'S WHY HE GETS SENT OFFTO THE INSANE ASYLUM.

WHO'S THE WIFE?JULIA STILES. RIGHT?

IMMEDIATELY ANNOYED,

BUT ALL I'M THINKINGIN MY HEAD IS,

A FUCKING NEW iPHONECOMES OUT,

IT'S A NEW CONNECTOR.

NOW YOUR HOUSE IS DATED.

SHE, JULIA STILES,INVITES HER SISTER OVER.

HUNGER GAMES CHICK.

IN FAIRNESS, LIKE, HOT.

HER FACE NO GOOD.

HUNGER GAMES CHICK IS GONNAHELP HIM GET HIS WIFE BACK

BY DELIVERING A LETTER,AND IN RETURN,

HE AGREES TO BEHER DANCE PARTNER.

LET'S GET BACK TOROBERT DENIRO.

HE'S GONNA GO ALL INON THIS NEXT BET.

EAGLES-COWBOYS GAME,

BUT THEY'RE ALSOGONNA PARLAY IT

WITH THE DANCE COMPETITION.

NO ONE IN PHILLY ISGOING TO A DANCE COMPETITION

WHEN THE EAGLES ARE PLAYING.

HERE COMES THEIR DANCE.IT'S GONNA BE FUNNY.

AND THEY'RE JUST LIKE,EHH!

SHE JUST JUMPS, LIKE,PUSSY TO FACE.

THEY GET A FIVE.AH! SHOCKING.

HUGE BOOBS.

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK.

IN OUR NEXT NOMINEE,THE "D" IS SILENT

BUT THE "N" WORD IS NOT.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERTFOR DJANGO UNCHAINED.

[applause]

JAMIE FOXX IS A SLAVE.

SOME GERMAN DENTISTOFFERS TO BUY THEM.

WE FIND OUT HE'S NOT A DENTIST,HE'S A BOUNTY HUNTER.

HE TURNS DJANGOINTO A BOUNTY HUNTER

WITHIN, LIKE, 30 SECONDS.

JUST WHEN LEONARDO DICAPRIOSAYS THE "N" WORD--

LIKE, THE FIRST FEW TIMESHE SAID IT, HE WENT...

HE'S BIG INTOMANDINGO FIGHTING.

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM LIKEAN UPSTAIRS ACTIVITY.

THEY COME UP WITH THIS PLANTO GET HIS WIFE BACK.

HOW ABOUT JUST HAVE THE WHITEGERMAN GO TO THE RANCH?

"DO YOU HAVE ANY SLAVESTHAT SPEAK GERMAN?"

"I HAVE THIS ONE FEMALE SLAVETHAT SPEAKS GERMAN."

"OH, CAN I HAVE HER?"AND THE MOVIE'S OVER.

QUENTIN DOESN'T DO THAT.

MY FAVORITE PARTOF THIS MOVIE,

WHEN LEONARDO DICAPRIO

ASKED EVERYBODY IFTHEY'D LIKE TO GO TO THE PARLOR

FOR SOME WHITE CAKE.

THAT'S ALL I'VE SAIDSINCE I'VE SEEN THAT MOVIE.

WHITE CAKE.

OUT OF NOWHERE,JONAH HILL MAKES A CAMEO.

OH, HOW'D YOU GET HIM?

NOW IT'SA QUENTIN TARANTINO MOVIE.

EVERYONE'S DYING.THE GERMAN, DEAD.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO, DEAD.

DJANGO GETS ON HIS HORSE,

AND HE'S TAUGHT HIS HORSEHOW TO BREAKDANCE.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMESTHEY SAID THE "N" WORD,

BUT IT SEEMEDABOUT RIGHT TO ME,

AND THAT WAS DJANGO UNCHAINED.

OW! FUCK!

PICTURE IT--TEEN BOYS FROM INDIA,

TIGERS, AND A BEAUTIFULOCEAN BACKDROP.

ALL THAT, AND YOU WILL STILLHATE THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERTFOR LIFE OF PI.

[applause]

THE BOAT SINKS, AND THE ONLYONES WHO SURVIVE--

PI, HIS MOM, A SAILOR,AND A MEAN COOK.

BEFORE ANY OF THATHAPPENS,

THEY MADE UP A STORYFOR 2 1/2 HOURS,

AND THAT'S COMPLETEBULLSHIT.

LIFE OF PI. [applause]

THIS NEXT NOMINEE ISA FOREIGN FILM WITH SUBTITLES

ABOUT TWO OLD FRENCH PEOPLE.

I'M SURE MY AUDIENCEWILL LOVE IT.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERTFOR AMOUR.

[applause]

WHY IS THISEVEN NOMINATED?

IT'S NOT AN AMERICAN FILM.

NOT TO MENTION,IT'S SUBTITLED.

HEY, I GET TO READ!

AND IT'S ABOUTTWO OLD PEOPLE.

SHE HAS A STROKE. MEANWHILE,THAT'S STILL SUBTITLED.

I'M LITERALLY GOING,

I DON'T THINK THAT'SHOW YOU SPELL "DUUUUH."

ALTHOUGH, IN THE MIDDLE OF THEMOVIE, YOU DO SEE HER TITTY.

ALL RIGHT.THERE'S NO ONE IN SIGHT.

TAKES THE PILLOWAND SHOVES IT OVER HER HEAD.

RIDES IT OUT.THAT STROKE LEG WAS MOVING.

I'D LIKE TO POINT THAT OUT.

DEAD.

AMOUR. [applause]

THANKS TO AN ALMOSTTHREE-HOUR RUNNING TIME,

EVERYONE WHO SAWTHIS NEXT MOVIE

KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKETO BE TORTURED

UNTIL YOU SHIT YOURSELF.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERTFOR ZERO DARK THIRTY.

[applause]

GEORGE W. BUSH,HE DID ONE THING GREAT--

LET US TORTURE THE FUCKOUT OF TERRORISTS.

THERE'S A NEW HOTSHOT.

IF YOU'RE REDHEADEDAND FAIR-SKINNED,

NOTHING LIKE GETTING STATIONEDIN THE MIDDLE EAST.

GO ENJOY THIS, GINGER.

THIS WOMAN'S BEEN ASSIGNEDTO FIND OSAMA BIN LADEN.

ABU AHMED'S BEEN DEAD.TURNS OUT IT WASN'T.

IT WAS HIS BROTHER.THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE.

THAT'S RACIST, BUT THAT'SWHAT THE CIA IS SAYING.

OH, THEY GAVE SOMEBODYA LAMBORGHINI.

AND THEN THE CIA,NOW THAT THIS MOVIE CAME OUT,

THEY'RE LIKE, "WE WOULD NEVERGIVE SOMEBODY A LAMBORGHINI."

THEY FUCKING GAVE SOMEBODYA LAMBORGHINI.

THIS IS WHERE THE RED TAPE OFWASHINGTON COMES INTO PLAY.

OH, IT'S FRUSTRATING.

EVERY SCENE, THIS REDHEADIS COMPLAINING.

"I NEED THIS.""WE CAN'T DO IT."

THREE MORE MINUTES AFTERARGUING,

"OH, WE'RE GONNA DO IT."

"WE DON'T HAVETHE MONEY FOR THAT."

"WE FOUND THE MONEY."

IN THIS POOR NEIGHBORHOODIN PAKISTAN,

THERE'S A FUCKING MANSION,WHICH IS EXCITING,

BECAUSE NOW IT'S ABOUT MEN.

THEY FUCKING STORM IN THEREAND THEY FUCKING KILL HIM,

AND SHE IMMEDIATELY STARTSCRYING BECAUSE SHE'S A GIRL.

THIS ENTIRE MOVIE IS TRUE,EXCEPT FOR ONE PART.

THAT HOT REDHEADWAS A FAT OLD MAN.

AND THAT WAS ZERO DARK THIRTY.

[applause]

IF THIS NEXT NOMINEE WINS,I SWEAR TO CHRIST,

I WILL SLIT MY THROATRIGHT HERE ON THE STAGE.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERTFOR LES MISERABLES.

[applause]

AND YOU CAN SAY IT'S BECAUSEI DON'T HAVE CULTURE

OR I'M UNEDUCATEDOR WHATEVER.

I HATE PLAYS.

I THOUGHT THERE WERE SONGSAND THEN THEY WOULD TALK.

EVERY WORD IS SANG.

WITH THAT BEING SAID...♪ LOOK DOWN

♪ WOLVERINE IS PULLING

♪ BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANTANY OF THESE SONGS ♪

♪ TO SOUND LIKE A REAL SONG,THEY WILL NOT ♪

♪ HOW IS THIS WHOLE MOVIEBASED ON STEALING BREAD ♪

♪ THE ONE THING THAT'S FREE ATEVERY FUCKING RESTAURANT ♪

♪ TEN YEARS LATER

SO ANNE HATHAWAYGETS FIRED,

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO HAVE A KID, APPARENTLY.

SHE SAID, "WELL, I HAVE TOFIND SOME MONEY."

"UH, CUT YOUR HAIR."

"I'LL GIVE YOU MORE MONEYIF YOU GIVE ME TEETH."

"YOU'RE NOW A WHORE."YEAH, SHE'S GETTING FUCKED.

AND THEN SHE JUST DIES.

THIS IS A BAD 24 HOURS.

TEN YEARS LATER, THE FRENCHREVOLUTION APPARENTLY BEGAN.

CORSET IS NOWAMANDA "SIGFRIED."

RUSSELL CROWE IS LIKE,"I CAN'T LIVE WITH THE FACT

THAT I JUST LETTHIS GUILTY MAN GO,"

AND HE JUST KILLS HIMSELF.

WOLVERINEDIDN'T SEE HIM DIE,

SO HE THINKS THAT HE'S GONNACOME, STILL CHASE HIM,

SO HE JUST MENTALLYTELLS HIMSELF TO DIE,

AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDS,

AND IF ONE MORE PERSONTELLS ME...

♪ DID YOU KNOW DURING THE MOVIETHAT THEY REALLY SANG? ♪

I WOULD SAY, "YEAH,I FUCKING BELIEVE IT."

♪ IT DIDN'T SOUNDTHAT GOOD ♪

LES MIS. [applause]

I HAVE NO IDEAWHAT IT'S ABOUT,

AND NEITHER DO ANY OF YOU.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERTFOR BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD.

[applause]

THIS BLACK GIRL THAT'STHE STAR OF THIS MOVIE,

SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFULLITTLE GIRL EVER.

JUST A FUCKING 'FRO.BY THE WAY, WHAT'S HER NAME?

THE CUTEST GIRL IN THE WORLD,HUSHPUPPY.

IT'S BASICALLYSWAMP PEOPLE HOARDERS,

BUT THERE'S A BIG STORMA'COMIN',

AND THEN SHE'S, LIKE,WALKING AROUND, GOING,

"DADDY DOESN'TCOME HOME SOON,

I'M GONNAHAVE TO EATING MY PETS."

GUYS, I DIDN'T WRITETHIS MOVIE.

THEY HOLLOW OUT AN ALLIGATOR,FILL IT WITH GASOLINE.

WHERE IS ALL THIS GASCOMING FROM?

THEY'RE GONNA RIG--PUT ITNEXT TO THE LEVY, TO BLOW IT UP.

APPARENTLY, THERE'S THIS CRAZYFLOATING STRIP CLUB.

SHE GOES BACK TO SEE HER DAD.

DAD'S DEAD.I THINK IT'S AIDS.

AND THAT'S BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD.

HERE'S ANOTHER MOVIEABOUT OSAMA BIN LADEN STUFF.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERTFOR ARGO.

[applause]

DOING A SPOILER ALERTFOR THIS MOVIE IS INSANE.

FIRST OF ALL, IT'S HISTORY.WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

THEY ALL GOT OUT.

1979, IRAN, UH,

THE U.S. EMBASSYGETS TAKEN OVER.

THEY CAPTURE 52 PEOPLE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONGTHEIR HOSTAGES WERE THERE?

444 DAYS.

THEY MADE THE MOVIEABOUT THE SEVEN PEOPLE

THAT SNUCK OUT DOWN THE STREET,IN A MANSION,

EATING FOOD EVERY DAY,

AND THEY'RE CONSTANTLYCOMPLAINING, LIKE,

"WE CAN'T GO OUTSIDE,"FOR THREE WEEKS.

NOT THE 52 PEOPLETHAT WERE TORTURED.

THAT'S WHY THIS MOVIESHOULDN'T WIN BEST PICTURE.

ALL RIGHT,THAT IS ARGO.

[applause]

AND THE WINNER IS...

BATMAN.

YOU ALL KNOW IT'STHE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

THERE WAS A GODDAMN MASSACREOPENING WEEKEND,

AND IT STILL MADE $1 BILLION,

AND YOU'RE NOT EVENGONNA NOMINATE IT?

AMOUR? FUCK YOU.

TO SEE THE LONGER, LESSENTERTAINING VERSION OF THAT,

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