Spoiler Alert - Oscars 2013 Extended - Uncensored

  • Season 5, Ep 503
  • 02/19/2013
  • Views: 118,631
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Daniel spoils each of the nominees for the Academy Award for Best Picture with these extended reviews. (53:25)

[blaring hip-hop music]

>> announcer: AND NOW TO PRESENT

THE OSCAR FOR BEST PICTURE,

PLEASE WELCOME TWO-TIME TEEN

CHOICE AWARD NOMINEE, DANIEL

TOSH.

>> THANK YOU.

I'M HONORED TO BE HERE WITH THE

MOST TALENTED FOLKS IN SHOW

BUSINESS AND SETH MCFARLANE.

THANKS, SETH, FOR TAKING TIME

OFF FROM COLORING TO HOST

TONIGHT.

YOUR VOICES ARE NOT ANNOYING AT

ALL.

BY THE WAY, REALLY LOVING WHAT

YOU'RE DOING ON SEASON EIGHT OF

AMERICAN DAD.

CHRISTIAN BALE, NO JOKES.

I JUST WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

AND NOW THE AWARD FOR BEST

PICTURE OF THE YEAR.

THERE ARE NINE NOMINEES

TOTALING 20 1/2 HOURS OF FILM

NOT INCLUDING PREVIEWS.

OUR FIRST NOMINEE IS A MOVIE

ABOUT THE GUY ON THE PENNY AND

HIS INSUFFERABLE WIFE.

THIS IS THE SPOILER ALERT FOR

LINCOLN.

1863, THIS MOVIE STARTS.

TOWARD THE END OF THE CIVIL WAR.

GREAT WAR SCENE WHEN IT STARTS

OFF.

JUST VIOLENCE.

PEOPLE DEAD.

JUST KILLING PEOPLE.

HORRIBLE.

LIKE, HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT,

BACK WHEN WAR WAS WAR.

IF YOU SURVIVED WAR, IT'S LIKE,

"OH, YOU WERE FUCKING LUCKY."

LIKE, NOW YOU COME BACK, IT'S

LIKE, "OH, HOW WAS WAR?"

"EH.

I'M GOING BACK IN SIX MONTHS."

LIKE, THERE IT'S JUST FUCKING

GO.

RAAAAUGH!

IT'S CRAZY.

YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF THAT?

LIKE, YOU'RE--UH, "WE HAD A GOOD

STRATEGY."

"WHAT WAS YOUR STRATEGY?"

"OH, WE JUST--WE FUCKIN' RAN,

AND THEN WE JUST FUCKIN' STABBED

'EM."

WELL, GOOD LUCK.

SO THE WAR IS ABOUT TO COME TO

AN END, AND THE WRITING'S ON THE

WALL.

THE SOUTH IS GONNA LOSE, OKAY?

BUT LINCOLN KNOWS, "HEY, I'M A

SECOND-TERM PRESIDENT.

GOT TO MAKE A STAND RIGHT NOW.

GOT TO GET THIS 13TH AMENDMENT

PASSED THROUGH THE SENATE."

YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY ABOUT THIS

MOVIE?

IS--I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW

THIS OR IF YOU REALI--

'CAUSE, LIKE, THE DEMOCRATS ARE

THE FUCKIN' ASSHOLES.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

LIKE, THEY WERE THE SLAVE

PEOPLE, AND THE REPUBLICANS WERE

THE ONES LIKE, "GET RID OF ALL

THIS STUFF."

I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE HAVE WE SWITCHED?

MEANWHILE, LINCOLN, JUST EVERY

CHANCE HE GETS JUST, "DO

YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU A LONG,

LONG, STORY?"

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I WANT YOU TO RUN THE COUNTRY.

[sighs]

[groans]

IT'S WHY YOU GOT THE PENNY.

LINCOLN'S WIFE'S BATSHIT CRAZY

AND JUST ANNOYING AS FUCK.

LINCOLN WAS OUR GREATEST

PRESIDENT EVER.

IMAGINE HOW MUCH BETTER HE WOULD

HAVE BEEN IF THAT BATSHIT WIFE

OF HIS WOULD HAVE JUST SHUT

HER MOUTH OCCASIONALLY.

THE FACT THAT HE HAD TO GO HOME

AND JUST LISTEN TO THIS

NONSENSE, 'CAUSE, LIKE,

"YOU KNOW THERE'S A WAR.

OUR COUNTRY IS FIGHTING ITSELF.

I HAVE TO END SLAVERY,

AND SHE'S LIKE, 'YEEEEEAH!

DON'T LET OUR SON GO TO WAR!'"

CONSTANTLY WHINING ABOUT HER SON

GOING TO WAR, AND IT'S ALL,

LIKE, "FUCK IT.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANY OF

YOU.

SHUT THE FUCK UP."

I LITERALLY THINK HE MIGHT HAVE

SHOT HIMSELF.

SO IN THE SENATE, TOMMY LEE

JONES WAS A REPUBLICAN FROM

PENNSYLVANIA?

PENNSYLVANIA!

AND HE WANTED COMPLETE EQUAL

RIGHTS.

THE WHOLE THING ABOUT GETTING

THE 13TH AMENDMENT PASSED

IS HONEST ABE HAD TO BASICALLY

LIE, CHEAT, STEAL, BRIBE

EVERYONE TO FUCKING GET THIS TO

PASS.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A

POLITICIAN.

THERE WAS FUCKING SHADY SHIT

GOING ON, AND THAT'S WHAT HE

DID, AND THAT'S WHAT HE HAD TO

DO, AND IT ENDED UP WINNING.

BUT TOMMY LEE WAS THE ONE THAT

THEY REALLY--HE WAS KIND OF THE

FIGUREHEAD OF THE REPUBLICAN

PARTY, AND HE, YOU KNOW, WANTED

COMPLETE EQUAL RIGHTS, BUT THEY

NEEDED HIM TO BEND.

LIKE, IT'S LIKE--HE BASICALLY

HAD TO BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW, WE'RE

NOT COMPLETELY EQUAL,"

AND THAT WAS REALLY TOUGH FOR

HIM TO DO, BUT HE EVENTUALLY DID

IT.

LINCOLN'S SON, WHO'S ANNOYING--

LIKE, "I WANT TO BE A MAN.

I WANT TO GO FIGHT, DAD, AND MOM

WON'T LET ME."

LIKE, "NO, YOU'RE NOT--

I'M THE PRESIDENT.

FUCKING JUST KNOCK IT OFF."

I NEVER UNDERSTAND RICH PEOPLE

THAT ARE LIKE, "OH, I WANT TO

MAKE IT ON MY OWN."

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

IF ANYBODY GAVE ME A FREE RIDE,

I'D BE LIKE, "YES!

FUCK YES!

I'LL TAKE IT.

WHAT, MY DAD'S RICH?

I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING?

PERFECT."

THIS IS 1864, OKAY, IS WHEN

SLAVERY ENDED, AND THEY WOULD--

WHEN THEY WOULD TALK ABOUT IT--

WHEN THEY TALKED ABOUT IT IN THE

SENATE, "WE'RE GONNA END

SLAVERY."

THEY'D BE LIKE--LIKE, THE PEOPLE

THAT WERE OPPOSED TO IT WOULD BE

LIKE, "WHAT'S NEXT?

WOMEN VOTING?"

LIKE, THAT WAS THE THING THAT

BOTH SIDES AGREED.

LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

"NO; ARE YOU INSANE?"

YOU KNOW WHEN WOMEN WERE GIVEN

EQUAL RIGHTS TO VOTE?

1920.

60 YEARS AFTER SLAVERY WAS,

LIKE, "OKAY, WE REALLY FUCKED UP

WITH SLAVERY."

60 MORE YEARS, AND THEN WE'RE

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, LADIES.

GO AHEAD."

WE NEED TO WAIT AT LEAST 60

MORE YEARS AFTER BARACK OBAMA

BEFORE HILARY SHOULD BE ELECTED.

AND I FOR ONE THINK SHE'S GONNA

LOOK GREAT.

HILARY CLINTON IS STARTING TO

TURN INTO WINSTON CHURCHILL.

PHYSICALLY, SHE'S TURNING INTO

WINSTON CHURCHILL.

OKAY, SO THEN THE BIG DAY COME

SIN, YOU KNOW?

LINCOLN'S BEEN DOING SOME SHADY

SHIT.

HE'S BEEN HIDING THE FACT THAT

THE WAR COULD END IMMEDIATELY.

HE'S DOING IT FOR THE BETTER--

THE BETTERMENT OF OUR COUNTRY

AND SOCIETY AND PEOPLE.

SO IT'S--YOU TURN A BLIND EYE TO

THAT.

THE VOTES ARE COMING IN, AND IT

WINS.

IT WINS BIG.

YAY, THERE'S NO MORE SLAVERY.

TOMMY LEE JUST TAKES THE

AMENDMENT AND JUST FOLDS IT UP

AND PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, I GUESS YOU

CAN TAKE THE ONLY COPY WE HAVE."

BUT HE TAKES IT, AND HE GOES

HOME.

BLACK WOMAN ANSWERS THE DOOR

AND TAKES HIS HAT AND COAT,

AND THEN YOU SEE THAT HE'S IN

BED WITH HER, AND THEY'RE A

COUPLE, AND THAT'S WHY HE WAS SO

PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS THIS EQU--

AND HE GIVES HER THE 13TH

AMENDMENT TO LOOK AT, AND, YOU

KNOW, SHE CRIES, AND THAT'S HOW

THE MOVIE ENDS.

THIS IS HOW I THINK THE MOVIE

SHOULD HAVE ENDED.

AS IT PANS IN ON THEM IN BED

HAVING THIS GOOD MOMENT,

IF THEY COULD JUST WIDEN OUT AND

PAN OVER THREE OR FOUR ROOMS TO

HIS WIFE WHO IS CLEARLY IN

ANOTHER ROOM, AND YOU KNOW HE'S

JUST FUCKING THE HELP.

THEY DON'T FUCKING SAY THAT, BUT

THAT'S WHAT HE WAS FUCKING

DOING.

I KNOW FOR A FACT HE WAS.

OH, WHY AM I FORGETTING THE REAL

PART OF THIS?

OKAY.

SO NOW THE MOVIE IS GONNA END.

HE PASSED IT.

IT'S 1865.

COUNTRY'S HEADING IN THE RIGHT

DIRECTION.

NOW HE'S GOT TO GO TO A PLAY.

WHY?

BECAUSE HIS WHINY BITCH OF A

WIFE IS NEVER HAPPY.

"WE DON'T GET TO DO NORMAL

THINGS."

"I JUST FREED A RACE OF PEOPLE."

SO THEY'RE GOING TO THE MOVIE

THEATER.

YOU SEE HIM WALKING LIKE HE'S

GOING--AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH,

HERE WE GO.

I'VE SAT THROUGH A LOT OF

BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW.

I WANT TO SEE THIS GUY'S HEAD

SPLATTER."

THEY'RE AT A DIFFERENT PLAY.

THEY'RE SHOWING HIS KIDS.

HIS KIDS WERE AT A DIFFERENT

PLAY, AND SOMEBODY COMES OUT

ON THE STAGE AND GOES, "THE

PRESIDENT HAS BEEN SHOT," AND

THAT'S HOW THE MOVIE ENDS.

THE ONE THING I WANTED TO SEE

THE WHOLE MOVIE, AND YOU'RE NOT

GONNA SHOW IT TO ME?

FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD.

LINCOLN.

[applause]

IF YOU LOVED BENNY & JOON AND

HATED INVINCIBLE, YOU MIGHT BE

ABLE TO SIT THROUGH OUR NEXT

NOMINEE.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK.

[applause]

IT STARTS OUT, BRADLEY COOPER IS

IN AN INSANE ASYLUM, RIGHT?

AND YOU IMMEDIATELY GET A BIG

SURPRISE BECAUSE CHRIS TUCKER'S

IN THERE.

"I WANT TO FUCK, MISS PARKER."

HE'S IN THIS INSANE ASYLUM,

AND HIS MOM COMES TO PICK HIM

UP.

SO HE GETS HOME.

HIS DAD'S--WHAT'S HIS NAME?

ROBERT DE NIRO.

SUPER OCD, BIG EAGLES FAN

APPARENTLY, AND HE'S NOW A

BOOKIE.

HE WASN'T A BOOKIE BEFORE HIS

SON WENT OFF TO THE INSANE

ASYLUM.

NOW THAT HE GETS BACK, HE'S A

BOOKIE.

ALL HE WANTS IS HIS SON TO WATCH

THE GAME WITH HIM, AND HIS SON'S

LIKE, "I DON'T HAVE TIME.

I'VE GOT MO--I'M GONNA GO JOG."

HE WANTS TO GET HIS WIFE BACK.

HIS WIFE LEFT HIM.

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, 4:00 IN THE

MORNING, HE'S READING HEMINGWAY.

HIS WIFE WAS AN ENGLISH TEACHER.

HE'S UPSET WITH THE BOOK THAT

HE'S READING.

IMMEDIATELY, LIKE, RUNS INTO HIS

PARENTS' ROOM, JUST SCREAMING AT

THEM.

NO FILTER WHATSOEVER.

NEXT DAY, HE MEETS UP WITH HIS

BUDDY.

HIS BUDDY'S--IS HE MEXICAN?

LET'S JUST SAY HE'S MEXICAN.

HE'S MEXICAN.

RUNS INTO HIS MEXICAN BUDDY, AND

HE'S LIKE, "OH, YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU GOT TO COME TO DINNER," AND

HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO GO

TO DINNER.

YOUR WIFE HATES ME."

AND HE-- "NO, SHE DOESN'T HATE

YOU."

LIKE, "OH, SHE HATES ME."

SO ANYWAY, HE GOES TO

DINNER--FANCY DINNER--AND HE

SHOWS UP--HE'S--PHILLY--SHOWS UP

IN A DESEAN JACKSON JERSEY.

DISRESPECTFUL ON SO MANY LEVELS.

DESEAN JACKSON, IF YOU KNOW, IS

JUST--JUST--MADE IDIOT MISTAKE

AFTER IDIOT MISTAKE.

SHOWS UP AT THE DINNER PARTY.

YOU MEET THE WIFE.

THE WIFE OF HIS MEXICAN FRIEND,

JULIA STILES, RIGHT?

IMMEDIATELY ANNOYED.

SHE'S SUPER BITCHY.

THEY'RE SHOWING OFF THEIR NEW

HOUSE, AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY

GOODNESS, CAN YOU BELIEVE WE

HAVE THESE IPOD DOCKS IN EVERY

ROOM," BUT ALL I'M THINKING IN

MY HEAD IS, "FUCKING NEW IPHONE

COMES OUT, IT'S A NEW

CONNECTOR...

NOW YOUR HOUSE IS DATED."

JULIA STILES INVITES HER SISTER

OVER.

HUNGER GAMES CHICK.

WHOA!

NO WAY IS THAT THE SAME FAMILY.

HUNGER GAMES CHICK'S LIKE JUST

SO HOT.

I MEAN, IN FAIRNESS, LIKE,

HOT--HER FACE IS NO GOOD.

[stammers]

HER FACE IS GOOD.

IT'S JUST--IT'S AVERAGE.

IT'S ABOVE AVERAGE, BUT IT'S

LIKE NOTHING COM--HER BODY IS SO

GOOD THAT YOU'RE LIKE, "UH."

SHE'S CRAZY TOO.

THERE'S SOMETHING WEIRD WITH

HER, BUT YOU CAN'T REALLY FIGURE

IT OUT YET, AND THEN HER AND

BRADLEY COOPER--SHE WANTS TO

LEAVE.

SHE'S AT THE DINNER PARTY, LIKE,

FOOD HASN'T COME.

JULIA STILES IS ANNOYING, SO,

AGREED, THEY'RE ALL LIKE, "LET'S

JUST FUCKING LEAVE."

BRADLEY COOPER IS WALKING

HUNGER GAMES CHICK HOME, AND

SHE'S LIKE, "HEY, YOU CAN COME

FUCK ME IF YOU WANT, BUT YOU

HAVE TO LEAVE THE LIGHTS OFF,"

AND I'M LIKE, PFFFFFT!

SPEAKIN' MY LANGUAGE.

BUT HE'S LIKE, "NO.

WH--KINDA WHORE," AND HE RUNS

AWAY, WHICH IS LIKE, WHAT?

ALL RIGHT.

NOW THIS MOVIE IS COMPLETELY

UNBELIEVABLE.

LIKE, I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU

MISS YOUR WIFE THAT YOU'RE

TRYING--HE'S LIKE, "I MISS MY

WIFE."

LIKE, KNOCK IT OFF.

LIKE, YOU WOULD TAKE THAT DOWN

IN A SECOND JUST TO BLOW OFF

SOME STEAM.

THEN EVERY DAY BRADLEY'S

JOGGING, HUNGER GAMES CHICK JUST

KEEPS COMING OUT AND MEETING UP

WITH HIM.

SHE SAYS TO HIM, "LET'S GO ON A

DATE.

THEY GO ON A DATE.

THEY BASICALLY JUST WALK DOWN

THE STREET TO A DINER THAT'S

CONVENIENTLY LOCATED AT THE END

OF THE ROAD, AND THEN HE DOES

THE CRAZIEST THING OF ALL.

FOR DINNER, HE ORDERS JUST A

SMALL BOX OF CEREAL.

I THINK HE WENT WITH RAISIN

BRAN, WHICH IS ALSO A BAD

SELECTION IF YOU'RE GONNA GO

SMALL BOX OF CEREAL.

I GO TWO BOXES CINNAMON TOAST

CRUNCH.

THIS IS WHERE SHE TELLS HIM WHAT

HAPPENED, LIKE, THE REASON THAT

SHE WENT CRAZY BECAUSE HER

HUSBAND, THEY WERE IN A SEXLESS

MARRIAGE.

MEANWHILE, SHE'S 16 YEARS OLD.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS

PART, BUT I GUESS WE'RE

BELIEVING SHE'S OLDER.

SHE WAS IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE,

AND HER HUSBAND WAS TRYING TO

REKINDLE THE FIRE, SO HE WENT

OUT TO BUY HER PANTIES AT

VICTORIA'S SECRET, AND ON THE

WAY HOME, HE GOT HIT AND KILLED.

WELL, THOSE THINGS HAPPEN.

HER WAY OF COPING WITH HER

HUSBAND GETTING KILLED--TO SEX

UP THE RELATIONSHIP--IS SHE IS

JUST NOW GONNA FUCK EVERYONE.

SHE JUST FUCKS EVERYBODY AT HER

OFFICE.

THE MEN, THE WOMEN, EVERYONE.

EVERYONE GETS FUCKED BY HER,

AND THEN SHE GETS FIRED, BUT

BRADLEY COOPER, LIKE, AT THIS

POINT IS JUST, "OH.

DO TELL."

AS SOON AS SHE STARTED TALKING

ABOUT GIRL-ON-GIRL, HE GETS

EXTREMELY INTERESTED.

BUT THEN SHE GETS MAD, LIKE "I'M

NOT A SLUT OR SOMETHING," AND

THEY FIGHT.

BLAH, BLAH, DONE.

IT'S OUT.

THEY AGREE TO HELP EACH OTHER.

SHE'S GONNA HELP HIM GET HIS

WIFE BACK.

SHE'S STILL FRIENDS WITH HER

SISTER WHO'S BEST FRIENDS WITH

HIS EX-WIFE, AND HE'S GONNA

WRITE A LETTER.

IT'S GONNA TELL ALL THE GOOD

THINGS THAT HE'S DOING AND HOW

MUCH HE'S, YOU KNOW,

NOT--DOESN'T NEED HIS

MEDICATION.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

HE JUST NEEDS TO RUN IN A

GARBAGE BAG.

IN RETURN FOR HER GETTING THIS

LETTER TO HIS WIFE--BECAUSE

THERE'S A RESTRAINING ORDER ON

HIM 'CAUSE HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO

SEE HIS WIFE.

THEY ACTUALLY EVENTUALLY SHOW

YOU THE FLASHBACK OF WHAT

HAPPENED OF IT.

HE COMES HOME EARLY ONE DAY FROM

WORK AT, YOU KNOW, WHEN ALL

WIVES CHEAT, AND--SPOILER ALERT

INSIDE THE SPOILER ALERT--

AND HE HEARS THIS SONG.

IT'S ONE OF--IT'S A SONG BY

STEVIE WONDER.

HE GOES UP, AND HE SEES HIS WIFE

IN THE SHOWER, AND HE'S LIKE,

"OH, SHE'S IN THERE," AND THEN

HE OPENS UP THE SHOWER CURTAIN,

AND SHE'S JUST GETTING FUCKED BY

THE GYM TEACHER.

YEAH.

OH, SO WHAT DOES HE DO?

WHAT DOES THE GYM TEACHER DO IN

THAT SITUATION?

LOOKS--LOOKS HIM DEAD IN THE

EYES AND GOES, "I THINK YOU

SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE."

SO BRADLEY COOPER JUST BEATS THE

FUCK OUT OF HIM.

JUST BEATS HIM TO A BLOODY--

ALMOST KILLS HIM, SO THAT'S WHY

HE GETS SENT OFF TO THE INSANE

ASYLUM, AND WHENEVER HE HEARS

THAT SONG NOW, HE GOES CRAZY.

HE HAS TO SEE HIS SHRINK WHO IS

THE WORST INDIAN THERAPIST.

HE'S INDIAN.

HIS NATIONALITY SHOULDN'T

MATTER, BUT IT KIND OF DOES.

HE THINKS IT'S A FUNNY IDEA IN

THE WAITING ROOM WHERE ALL OF

HIS SICK PATIENTS ARE WAITING TO

PLAY THAT SONG JUST TO TEST HIM

TO SEE IF HE'S BETTER, AND OF

COURSE, HE'S NOT, AND HE JUST

GOES APESHIT AND ALMOST KILLS

THE RECEPTIONIST.

THE PLAN IS: HUNGER GAMES CHICK

IS GONNA HELP HIM GET HIS WIFE

BACK BY DELIVERING A LETTER IF

HE AGREES TO BE HER DANCE

PARTNER IN THE BIG DANCE THAT'S

COMING UP AT A HOTEL THAT

EVERYONE IN PHILLY IS EXCITED

ABOUT.

THAT'S THE PLAN, SO THEY

PRACTICE DANCING.

HE SEES HER BODY.

STARTS GETTING INTO HER.

LET'S GO BACK TO ROBERT DE NIRO.

HE LOST A BUNCH OF MONEY, AND HE

WANTS TO OPEN UP A RESTAURANT,

AND THE ONLY WAY THAT HE THINKS

THAT HE CAN GET THIS RESTAURANT

OFF THE GROUND NOW IS HE'S GONNA

GO ALL-IN ON THE NEXT BET

AGAINST HIS BUDDY WHO HE BET

AGAINST, AND THEY'RE GONNA BET

ON THE EAGLES-COWBOYS GAME--LAST

GAME OF THE SEASON; WINNER GETS

IN THE PLAYOFFS--

BUT THEY'RE ALSO GONNA PARLAY IT

WITH THE DANCE COMPETITION.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OKAY, WELL, IF

YOU GUYS CAN GET A 5--"

BECAUSE THEY ADMITTED THAT

THEY'RE AWFUL--

"IF YOU GET AN AVERAGE OF 5

SCORE, AND THE EAGLES COVER THE

SPREAD," LIKE, HE'S GONNA WIN

THIS MONEY.

HE CAN OPEN UP HIS RESTAURANT.

OKAY, SO THERE'S THE PLOT.

IT SOUNDS AWFUL, OKAY?

BUT HUNGER GAMES' BODY JUST

MAKES IT WATCHABLE, AND BRADLEY

COOPER, YOU KNOW, HE'S

PRACTICING DANCING, AND THAT'S

FUNNY.

BRADLEY COOPER DOES A GREAT JOB.

LET'S NOT--I'M NOT GONNA DENY

THAT.

GREAT PERFORMANCE.

BRADLEY COOPER'S GOT A BROTHER,

TOO, THAT'S, YOU KNOW, VERY

TYPICAL.

"I'M SUCCESSFUL, MY LIFE'S

TOGETHER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, WHO

CARES?"

THEY GO TO A GAME--AN EAGLES

GAME--AND THEY'RE TAILGATING,

AND, YOU KNOW, BRADLEY COOPER'S

DOING GOOD.

HE'S NOT SNAPPING.

HE'S JUST BEING NORMAL, HAVING--

HANGING OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS.

HE'S NOT DRINKING.

AND THEN A BUS OF INDIANS COME.

THE INDIAN THERAPIST HAS, LIKE,

A GROUP OF INDIAN FRIENDS THAT

ALL LIKE TO TAILGATE TOGETHER,

AND THEY'RE ALL DRESSED

HEAD-TO-TOE IN THEIR EAGLES

GEAR, AND, YOU KNOW, PHILLY FANS

ARE SO--THEY'RE SO CONSIDERATE

AND ACCOMMODATING OF ANYONE.

IMMEDIATELY THEY GET IN A HUGE

FIGHT.

BRADLEY COOPER GETS IN A FIGHT.

EVERYBODY'S BEATING THE SHIT OUT

OF EACH OTHER.

THEY DON'T GET TO GO TO THE

GAME.

HE COMES HOME, AND HIS DAD'S

FURIOUS THAT THEY DIDN'T GO TO

THE GAME.

HE FEELS THAT'S THE REASON THE

EAGLES LOST THAT DAY, AND THEN

HE STARTS YELLING AT HUNGER

GAMES CHICK.

"YOU'RE THE REASON.

EVERY TIME HE'S WITH YOU, BLAH,

BLAH, BLAH, HE LOSES," AND THEN

SHE SAYS, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

THAT'S NOT TRUE," AND SHE STARTS

RATTLING OFF, LIKE, "I WAS WITH

HIM ON THIS DATE, AND THEY

COVERED THE SPREAD BY 3 POINTS,"

AND SHE STARTS TO--ALL THESE

THINGS NEVER COULD HAPPEN.

LIKE, RAIN MAN'S LIKE, "UH-UH.

THAT'S NOT BELIEVABLE."

MEANWHILE THE DOCTOR'S LISTENING

TO THIS CRAZY ARGUMENT.

CERTIFIED DOCTOR, AND HE DOESN'T

INTERJECT ONE TIME.

JUST COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS

DYSFUNCTION.

ROBERT DE NIRO IS LIKE, "PFFFT.

I'M A FAN OF THIS GIRL.

TURNS OUT SHE IS GOOD LUCK."

WE'RE CLOSE, GUYS.

WE'RE CLOSE ON THIS ONE.

GET TO THE DANCE COMPETITION.

SO STUPID.

FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S A DANCE

COMPETITION.

I GUESS IT'S SUNDAY NIGHT, AND

THIS GAME IS THE SUNDAY NIGHT

GAME OF THE WEEK.

ARE YOU--NO ONE IN PHILLY IS

GOING TO A DANCE COMPETITION

WHEN THE EAGLES ARE PLAYING.

THERE'S JUST ZERO--

THERE COULD BE, LIKE, A MINOR

LEAGUE HOCKEY PRESEASON GAME,

AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "YEAH, I'M

NOT MISSING THAT FOR A FUCKING

DANCE."

HUNGER GAMES TURNS IN THE

LETTER THAT BRADLEY COOPER WROTE

TO HER TO WIN HER BACK, AND SHE

REPLIES WITH THIS LETTER.

WHILE BRADLEY COOPER IS READING

THE LETTER THAT HIS WIFE WROTE

BACK TO HIM, HE REALIZES THAT

THIS WAS HUNGER GAMES THAT WROTE

THIS.

IT WASN'T HIS WIFE.

BUT HE PLAYS ALONG, AND THEN, AT

THE DANCE COMPETITION, WHO'S

WALKING IN WITH JULIA STILES?

HIS REAL WIFE.

HIS WIFE.

LIKE, SHE'S COME TO WATCH THIS.

SO HE IS, LIKE--HOLY COW--

SUPER EXCITED.

MEANWHILE HUNGER GAMES HAS

FALLEN IN LOVE WITH BRADLEY

COOPER.

WHO WOULDN'T?

AND SHE'S, LIKE--SHE'S DEPRESSED

BECAUSE SHE'S LIKE, "PFFFT, I'M

GONNA LOSE MY MAN.

LIKE, I THOUGHT I HAD WORKED

THIS OUT, AND BLAH, BLAH,"

SO SHE STARTS POUNDING DRINKS.

SHE'S AT THE BAR.

SHE'S GETTING READY TO FUCK

PEOPLE AGAIN.

LIKE, THAT'S IMMEDIATELY WHAT

HAPPENS TO HER.

SHE JUST GOES RIGHT BACK INTO

LIKE, "OH, JUST FUCK ME.

ANYBODY."

HE'S FRANTICALLY LOOKING FOR HER

'CAUSE THE COMPETITION'S

STARTING.

MEANWHILE, THE COMPETITION IS

FIERCE, AND THEY'RE CLEARLY

PROFESSIONALS, SO VERY GOOD.

SO YOU CAN SEE THIS A MILE AWAY.

LIKE, "OH, HERE COMES THEIR

DANCE.

IT'S GONNA BE FUNNY."

IT WAS LIKE NORMAL SONG, AND

THEN THEY SWITCH INTO THE WHITE

STRIPES, AND THEY'RE JUST

LIKE...

LIKE, SUPER--LIKE, LITERALLY

LIKE THAT.

IT'S NOT BETTER.

IT'S LIKE--

AND THEN THEY'D BEEN PRACTICING

THIS BIG MOVE WHICH IS, LIKE,

YOU KNOW, DIRTY DANCING,

WHERE YOU RUN AND JUMP, AND SHE

JUST JUMPS, LIKE, PUSSY TO FACE.

IT'S CRUDE.

IT'S NOT GOOD.

THEY SPIN AROUND WHILE

EVERYBODY--THEY'RE DONE.

AND THE CROWD GOES WILD BECAUSE

IT'S FUN, YOU KNOW?

THEY BEEN WATCHING SUCH STUFFY

TRADITIONAL DANCE FOR SO LONG.

IT DOESN'T DESERVE ABOVE A 1.2.

THEY GET A 5.

OH, SHOCKING.

AND THEN GUESS WHAT.

THE EAGLES COVER.

OH!

THEY WIN.

AND HE DOESN'T GO, AND HIS WIFE

WANTS HIM BACK, BUT HE'S LIKE,

"NO, I THINK I'M GONNA GO WITH

THE CRAZY HUNGER GAMES CHICK."

NOT A BAD CALL.

I WOULD.

YOUNGER, YOU KNOW?

HUGE BOOBS.

I CAN JUST ONLY ASSUME THOSE TWO

CRAZY LOVEBIRDS ARE JUST HAPPY

IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW, KIDS, TOTALLY STABLE.

I'M SURE THAT ALL WORKED OUT

FINE.

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK.

IN OUR NEXT NOMINEE, THE "D" IS

SILENT BUT THE "N" WORD IS NOT.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR

DJANGO UNCHAINED.

[applause]

LES MIS.

DJANGO UNCHAINED.

MY FIRST REACTION:

"THAT DOESN'T SEEM THAT RACIST."

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES

THEY SAID THE "N" WORD, BUT IT

SEEMED ABOUT RIGHT TO ME.

SO THEY SPOKE HOW I FUCKING

FIGURED THEY TALKED BACK THEN.

JAMIE FOXX IS A SLAVE, AND SOME

GERMAN DENTIST FREES HIM--BUYS

HIM RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

HE'S CLEARLY GOT AN AGENDA.

HE WANTS DJANGO.

HE BE--OFFERS TO BUY THEM.

THEY WON'T SELL THEM, SO HE

KILLS--THE DENTIST KILLS THOSE

PEOPLE.

YOU FIND OUT HE'S NOT A DENTIST.

HE'S A BOUNTY HUNTER, AND HE

NEEDS DJANGO BECAUSE THE PEOPLE

HE'S LOOKING TO KILL, DJANGO'S

THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN IDENTIFY

HIM.

HE THEN ASKS DJANGO IF HE WANTS

TO HELP HIM, AND HE TURNS DJANGO

INTO A BOUNTY HUNTER WITHIN,

LIKE, 30 SECONDS.

LIKE, HE'S JUST IMMEDIATELY GOOD

AT IT.

LIKE, HE KNOWS HOW TO DO

EVERYTHING, AND, IN FAIRNESS,

LIKE, THE INCENTIVE IS YOU GET

TO KILL WHITE PEOPLE.

AND HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, FUCK YEAH.

LET'S DO THIS."

BY THE WAY, DJANGO UNCHAINED,

IF YOU DON'T--IT IS A PREQUEL TO

LINCOLN.

SO HE'S MADE HIM A PARTNER, AND

THE FIRST THING THAT HE DOES,

LIKE, THIS GUY, HE'S, LIKE, HE

MADE HIM FREE, AND HE'S RIDING A

HORSE, AND THAT'S, LIKE, THE

BIGGEST THING IN THE MOVIE.

EVERYBODY CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S

A BLACK GUY ON A HORSE.

THEY JUST KEEP SAYING THAT.

LIKE, "OH, YOU CAN'T--"

AND WHEN I SAY BLACK, KNOW THAT

WHAT I'M--WHAT THEY SAY IS NOT

BLACK.

THEY USE...

HE TELLS HIM A STORY THAT DJANGO

WAS MARRIED, AND HE WANTS TO GET

HIS WIFE, AND HIS WIFE'S A

SLAVE, AND THEY'VE BEEN SPLIT

UP, AND HE WANTS TO GET BACK TO

HIS WIFE.

AND HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WELL,

YOU HELP ME KILL PEOPLE AND GET

ALL THESE BOUNTIES, I'LL GIVE

YOU A THIRD--"

WHICH SEEMED EXTREMELY

REASONABLE.

I WAS LIKE--I'M SURPRISED HE

DIDN'T LOWBALL HIM, BUT HE

DIDN'T.

THIS GERMAN WAS EXTREMELY FAIR

AND WENT RIGHT WITH, "YEAH, I'LL

GIVE YOU 1/3."

AND SO THEY HID IN THE

MOUNTAINS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MOUNTAINS THEY

WERE.

THEY--IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS, YOU

KNOW, THE APPALACHIANS--WHAT

THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE--BUT

THE MOUNTAINS APPEARED TO ME

MORE LIKE THE ROCKIES, AND THAT

WOULDN'T HAVE MADE SENSE.

I DON'T KNOW THEY COULD LEAVE

THE ROCKIES AND GET TO ALL THESE

KILLINGS IN THE SOUTH AND THEN

BACK.

THAT I STRUGGLED WITH.

I STRUGGLED WITH WHAT MOUNTAIN

RANGE THEY WERE IN.

SO THEY'RE KILLING PEOPLE.

SORRY.

THAT'S HOW EASY IT IS TO GET

FREE.

THE DENTIST--ONCE, HE'S LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, DJANGO, YOU CAN PICK

OUT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO WEAR.

HERE'S A BIG, LIKE, A QUENTIN

JOKE.

LIKE, IMMEDIATELY, HE COMES OUT

IN, LIKE, THE MOST FLAMBOYANT

CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER SUIT.

LIKE, "AH, DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE

COMING."

LIKE, THE ONLY--YOU KNOW THAT

WARDROBE WAS LIKE, "WE SHOULD DO

PURPLE, RIGHT?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "LET'S GO WITH

BLUE.

IT'S NOT NAIL-ON-HEAD COMEDY."

AT ONE POINT, THE KKK MAKE AN

APPEARANCE BECAUSE THEY'RE SO

UPSET THAT THIS GERMAN AND

DJANGO CAME INTO THEIR TOWN AND

KILLED SOMEBODY THAT NEEDED TO

BE KILLED,

BUT THEY'RE NOT KKK IN THE

TRADITIONAL--IT'S LIKE NEW,

EARLY-STAGE KKK, WHERE, LIKE,

THEY'RE EVEN, LIKE, THEY'RE MORE

IGNORANT.

THE POINT TO THE HAT REALLY HAD

TO HAVE PROBABLY HELPED THE KKK

MEMBERSHIP SKYROCKET BECAUSE

BEFORE THAT, THERE'S JUST A BAG,

AND THEIR EYE-HOLES WEREN'T

LINING UP, AND IT WAS A BIG,

FUNNY SCENE WITH THE KKK.

BLACK PEOPLE, DID YOU ENJOY THAT

SCENE?

WAS IT HYSTERICAL FOR YOU?

NO?

JONAH HILL MAKES A CAMEO.

OH, HOW'D YOU GET HIM?

IT'S NOT SKINNY JONAH.

BACK TO THE FUNNY FAT ONE WE

LOVE.

THEY'VE COME UP WITH THIS PLAN

TO GET HIS WIFE BACK.

WHAT'S THE PLAN?

IS THEY ARE GONNA PRETEND--

LEONARDO DICAPRIO IS ONE OF THE

BIGGEST--IS THE FOURTH-LARGEST

SLAVE OWNER IN MISSISSIPPI.

OWNS THE CANDYLAND RANCH.

EVERYBODY'S HEARD ABOUT THE

CANDYLAND RANCH.

AND HE'S BIG INTO MANDINGO

FIGHTING, WHICH I DON'T THINK

REALLY HAPPENED--OR NOT ON THE

LEVEL THAT IT HAPPENED.

IT WASN'T TO THE DEATH IS WHAT,

YOU KNOW, MOST HISTORIANS AGREE

WITH, BUT WHATEVER.

LARGE BLACK MEN FIGHTING TO

DEATH, WHICH THEY GO TO ONE OF

THE FIGHTS, AND THE HOUSE IS,

YOU KNOW, OLD, SOUTHERN HOME

THAT'S, LIKE, FIVE OR SIX

STORIES UP, AND THAT'S WHERE

THEY'RE DOING THIS MANDINGO

FIGHTING WHERE LEONARDO DICAPRIO

IS WATCHING IT IN FRONT OF HIS

FIREPLACE.

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM LIKE AN

UPSTAIRS ACTIVITY.

LIKE, IT SEEMS LIKE JUST THE

NOISE--IT SEEMS LIKE THAT'S

SOMETHING YOU DO IN THE

BASEMENT.

MY OWN PROBLEMS WITH MOVIES.

IT'S JUST LIKE--THAT'S--WHO GOES

FOUR FLIGHTS UP WITH THESE HUGE

MANDINGO FIGHTERS--LIKE, "THIS

IS WHERE YOU'RE GONNA FIGHT."

BY THE WAY, THE ONLY PEOPLE IN

THIS MOVIE I THOUGHT WERE

RACIST, SAMUEL L. JACKSON AND

LEONARDO DICAPRIO.

JUST WHEN LEONARDO DICAPRIO SAYS

THE "N" WORD, IT JUST, UH--

I WAS LIKE, "EH."

I JUST DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I JUST FELT LIKE HE--I FELT LIKE

THE FIRST FEW TIMES HE SAID IT,

HE WENT...

THAT WAS JUST--WHAT WAS JUST MY

TAKE ON HIM.

THE WHOLE PLAN IS, WE'RE GONNA

GO--I'M GONNA--THE GERMAN IS

GOING TO PRETEND THAT I'M

INTERESTED IN BUYING A MANDINGO

FIGHTER.

THEY'RE EXPENSIVE.

A GOOD ONE, THEY'RE EXPENSIVE.

LIKE, $12,000, BACK THEN.

STILL, THAT'S--TO THIS DAY, I

DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD RUN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT A UFC FIGHTER

COSTS, BUT, UH, PROBABLY AROUND

$12,000.

AND THEN WHEN THEY GO TO THE

RANCH, HE'LL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY

HIS WIFE, AND--WHO SPEAKS

GERMAN--AND WE'LL FIND A WAY TO

GET HER TOO.

WE'LL BUY HER, TOO, AS JUST A

SIDE--THEY HAVE THIS HUGE

ELABORATE PLAN.

HERE'S ANOTHER PLAN, QUENTIN.

HOW 'BOUT JUST HAVE THE WHITE

GERMAN GO TO THE RANCH AND SAY,

"OH, I'M INTERESTED IN BUYING

SOME MANDINGO FIGHTER FOR

$12,000, AND I SPEAK GERMAN.

OH, DO YOU HAVE ANY SLAVES THAT

SPEAK GERMAN?"

"I HAVE THIS ONE FEMALE SLAVE

THAT SPEAKS GERMAN."

"OH, CAN I HAVE HER?

OH, WHAT'S THAT COST?

50 BUCKS?

YEAH, HERE'S 50 BUCKS,"

AND LEAVE.

LEAVE THE BLACK GUY ON A HORSE

THAT EVERYBODY'S FREAKING OUT

ABOUT AT HOME.

GO GET HIS FUCKING WIFE, AND THE

MOVIE'S OVER.

QUENTIN DOESN'T DO THAT.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S THERE, AND

HE'S SUSPICIOUS FROM THE GET-GO

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

WHY A SLAVE'S ON A HORSE, BUT

HE'S NOT SLAVE.

HE NOTICES THAT HIS WIFE, WHO'S

SERVING THEM DINNER, IS MAKING

SOME EYE CONTACT.

MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS MOVIE

IS SOMETHING THAT MAYBE NOBODY

CARED ABOUT AT ALL, BUT IT WAS

AFTER DINNER, WHEN LEONARDO

DICAPRIO ASKED EVERYBODY IF

THEY'D LIKE TO GO TO THE PARLOR

FOR SOME WHITE CAKE.

THAT'S ALL I'VE SAID SINCE I'VE

SEEN THAT MOVIE.

WHITE CAKE.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO AT ONE POINT

SAID THE BLACK PERSON'S SKULL IS

DIFFERENT, AND THAT'S WHY THEY

DON'T BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF US

AND KILL US.

I THINK--I'M NOT POSITIVE--

I THINK SCIENCE HAS PROVED THAT

THAT'S NOT ACCURATE.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON IS GOOD, BUT

YOU'RE LIKE, "THAT

MOTHERFUCKER."

LIKE, HE IS BY FAR THE MOST

RACIST PERSON.

DIDN'T GIVE A SH--LIKE, I WOULD

LOVE TO SEE SPIKE LEE AND

SAMUEL L. JACKSON, LIKE, TALK

RIGHT NOW.

JUST TO SEE IF THERE'S BAD

BLOOD.

'CAUSE SAMUEL L. JACKSON,

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I'LL SAY WHATEVER I WANT."

SAMUEL L. JACKSON CONVINCES

LEONARDO DICAPRIO THAT THIS IS

ALL BULLSHIT.

THIS GUY'S HERE FOR THIS WOMAN.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO BUY A

MANDINGO FIGHTER.

HE'S NOT GONNA GIVE YOU $12,000.

HE'S HERE JUST TO GET HER.

AND THEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE,

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WELL, YOU'RE

GONNA PAY FOR $12,000 FOR THIS

GIRL," WHICH, HE JUST HAS IN

CASH ON HIM, WHICH IS CRAZY.

THEY USED TO HAVE BIG BILLS.

I LEARNED THIS FROM AMERICAN

PAWN.

UH, THEY USED TO HAVE, LIKE,

$1,000 BILLS, BUT THAT'S WHY

THEY STOPPED 'EM FROM--SO THEY

HAD $10,000 BILLS, $5,000 BILLS,

BUT THEY STOPPED THEM FROM

CIRCULATION BECAUSE IT WAS TOO

EASY TO SMUGGLE LARGE AMOUNTS OF

MONEY AND CASH IN...

WHATEVER.

SO HE BUYS--SO HE BUYS THE WIFE,

AND THEN LEONARDO DICAPRIO

SAYS, "OH, YOU CAN'T HAVE HER

UNTIL YOU SHAKE MY HAND,"

TO THE BOUNTY HUNTER, THE WHITE

GERMAN, AND HE'S LIKE--HE

FUCKING HATES HIM.

HE DOESN'T WANT--HE DOESN'T WANT

TO SHAKE HIS--YET THEY'VE DONE

EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD TO GET

THIS WOMAN FREE AND BACK WITH

HER HUSBAND, YET HE WON'T JUST

SHAKE THE HAND AND FUCKING

LEAVE?

LIKE, THAT'S THE ONE THING, IS,

LIKE, "I WON'T DO THAT.

I'LL WATCH YOU--I'LL WATCH YOU

LET DOGS EAT A MAN AND KILL HIM

TO DEATH.

THAT--I'LL STAND BY, BUT I'M NOT

GONNA--I'M NOT GONNA SHAKE YOUR

HAND."

THAT--OH, IT WAS INSANE.

SO INSTEAD OF SHAKING HIS HAND,

HE JUST WALKS UP AND SHOOTS HIM

IN THE CHEST AND KILLS HIM.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S DEAD, AND HE

GETS SHOT IMMEDIATELY.

GERMAN DEAD.

DJANGO, OH, HE'S GOOD.

HE'S STARTING TO KILL EVERYBODY.

BY THE WAY, BULLET FIGHTS,

HOW COME NOBODY DIED WHEN THEY

DIVE BEHIND A COUCH?

YOU KNOW BULLETS FLY RIGHT

THROUGH COUCHES, RIGHT?

THERE'S NO--THERE'S NO COU--I

DON'T--YOU'RE SAYING, "WHAT IF

YOU HAVE A SOFA BED?"

AH.

NOW IT'S QUENTIN TARANTINO

MOVIE.

EVERYONE'S DYING.

DJANGO GETS CAPTURED, AND

THEY'RE TRYING TO THINK OF HIS

PUNISHMENT, AND THEY'RE DOING,

LIKE, GONNA CUT HIS DICK OFF,

AND SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S LIKE,

"DON'T CUT HIS DICK OFF."

I DON'T KNOW IF THEY USED HIS

REAL DICK BECAUSE THERE USED TO

BE AN OLD DICK PIC OF JAMIE FOXX

THAT LEAKED ONLINE.

IT WAS FUCKING HUGE,

AND IN THE MOVIE, IT WASN'T THAT

SAME DICK.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA CUT HIS DICK

OFF.

THEY'RE JUST GONNA SEND HIM TO

THIS OTHER PLANTATION WHERE THEY

JUST WORK BLACK PEOPLE TO DEATH,

AND WHO IS IT THAT'S TAKING

DJANGO AWAY?

QUENTIN TARANTINO,

AND HIS ACCENT IS HORRIFIC,

AND DJANGO TRICKS THEM TO

FREEING HIM AND BLOWS THEM UP,

KILLS THEM.

SO QUENTIN MAKES HIS CAMEO IN

HIS OWN MOVIE AND THEN DIES.

DJANGO NOW IS GOING BACK TO GET

HIS WIFE 'CAUSE SHE DIDN'T DIE.

THEY DIDN'T KILL HER APPARENTLY.

AND HE HEADS BACK TO THE HOUSE,

AND HE BLOWS UP EVERYBODY AGAIN,

JUST GOES CRAZY, AND HE SETS--

SAMUEL L. JACKSON, HE SHOOTS HIM

IN THE KNEES.

HE'S LYING THERE, ALMOST DEAD,

AND THEN HE JUST LIGHTS HIM ON

FIRE, BURNS THE HOUSE DOWN.

AND THEN HE GETS ON HIS HORSE,

AND HE'S TAUGHT HIS HORSE HOW TO

BREAK-DANCE.

EVERY WHITE PERSON GETS KILLED

IN THIS MOVIE.

LIKE, IT IS--LIKE, THAT'S--

LIKE, IT IS OVERLY FUCKING

HOLLYWOOD ON THAT SENSE, LIKE,

"WE DON'T--WE'RE GONNA DO A

RACIST MOVIE, BUT WE WANT TO

FUCKING MAKE SURE IT'S NOT,

LIKE, NOT REAL RACIST, SO

FUCKING ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE GET

FUCKING KILLED."

AND THAT WAS DJANGO UNCHAINED.

[applause]

OH, FUCK.

PICTURE IT:

TEEN BOYS FROM INDIA, TIGERS,

AND A BEAUTIFUL OCEAN BACKDROP.

ALL THAT, AND YOU WILL STILL

HATE THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR

LIFE OF PI.

[applause]

THE BOAT SINKS, AND THE ONLY

ONES THAT SURVIVE: PI, HIS MOM,

A SAILOR, AND A MEAN COOK.

BEFORE ANY OF THAT HAPPENS, THEY

MADE UP A STORY FOR 2 1/2 HOURS,

AND THAT'S COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

LIFE OF PI.

[applause]

THIS NEXT NOMINEE IS A FOREIGN

FILM WITH SUBTITLES ABOUT TWO

OLD FRENCH PEOPLE.

I'M SURE MY AUDIENCE WILL LOVE

IT.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR

AMOUR.

[applause]

WHY IS THIS EVEN NOMINATED?

IT'S NOT AN AMERICAN FILM?

NOT TOO MENTION IT'S SUBTITLED.

HEY, I GET TO READ!

AND IT'S ABOUT TWO OLD PEOPLE.

SHE HAS A STROKE.

MEANWHILE, THAT'S STILL

SUBTITLED.

I'M LITERALLY GOING, "I DON'T

THINK THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL...

[moans]

ALTHOUGH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

MOVIE, YOU DO SEE HER TITTY.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S NO END IN SIGHT.

TAKES THE PILLOW AND SHOVES IT

OVER HER HEAD.

JUST RIDES IT OUT.

THAT STROKE LEG WAS MOVING.

I'D LIKE TO POINT THAT OUT.

DEAD.

AMOUR.

[applause]

THANKS TO AN ALMOST THREE-HOUR

RUNNING TIME, EVERYONE WHO SAW

THIS NEXT MOVIE KNOWS WHAT IT

FEELS LIKE TO BE TORTURED UNTIL

YOU SHIT YOURSELF.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR

ZERO DARK THIRTY.

[applause]

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS MOVIE WAS

BEING MADE WELL BEFORE OSAMA BIN

LADEN WAS KILLED?

IT WAS THE SAME AS THAT STUPID

MOVIE FEVER PITCH.

IT WAS ABOUT THE BOSTON RED SOX

WINNING THE WORLD SERIES.

THEY WERE MAKING THAT MOVIE, AND

THEN DURING THE MAKING OF THAT

MOVIE, THEY FUCKING WON THE

WORLD SERIES.

THE WHOLE MOVIE WAS ABOUT THEM

NEVER WINNING, AND SO THEY HAD

TO REWRITE THE END OF IT.

SAME THING WITH ZERO DARK

THIRTY.

THIS MOVIE WAS NOT ABOUT KILLING

OSAMA BIN LADEN.

THAT HAPPENED, AND THEY WERE

LIKE, "OH, FUCK.

TIME TO CHANGE HOW THIS MOVIE'S

GONNA END,"

WHICH IS WHY, IF YOU WATCH THIS

MOVIE, THE LAST 30 MINUTES,

GREAT.

IF OSAMA BIN LADEN HADN'T HAVE

BEEN KILLED, THIS MOVIE WOULD

HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE.

IT STARTS OUT AMAZING, OKAY, AND

IT STARTS OUT AMAZING FOR ONE

REASON.

VERY FEW TIMES CAN YOU PAY THE

MAN THIS COMPLIMENT.

GEORGE W. BUSH, HE DID ONE THING

GREAT.

LET US TORTURE THE FUCK OUT OF

TERRORISTS.

THAT MAKES FOR GREAT TELEVISION.

IT STARTS IN THIS TANK.

THIS GUY IS IN THE CELL, AND

HE'S JUST ROPED UP, AND THEY

JUST GO IN.

HE'S A FUCKING ROUGH DUDE.

HIS NAME IS DAN.

NOW THERE'S A NEW HOTSHOT COMING

IN, THIS REDHEAD CHICK.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU'RE A YOUNG GIRL IN

WASHINGTON OR, YOU KNOW, AND

YOU'RE REDHEAD AND FAIR-SKINNED,

NOTHING LIKE GETTING STATIONED

IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

"GO ENJOY THIS, GINGER.

THERE YOU--

WE'RE GONNA PUT YOU IN THE

MIDDLE EAST; YOU'RE GONNA BURN."

THEY'RE WALKING INTO THIS

INTERROGATION ROOM, AND SHE

KNOWS EVERYTHING.

SHE'S SUPER SMART, AND THEY'RE

LIKE, "DO YOU WANT TO WEAR A

MASK?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "ARE YOU WEARING

A MASK?"

HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T WEAR A MASK.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF THEY SEE

ME."

SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, THEN I'M

NOT."

BRINGS IT IN, AND NOW IT'S TIME

TO TORTURE.

SHE YANKS HIS PANTS DOWN.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT HIS

DICK."

"THIS GIRL WANTS TO LOOK AT YOUR

DICK."

AND HE HAS--HE'S JUST STANDING

THERE, JUST HUMILIATED.

THEY JUST DEGRADE HIM.

HE SAYS COOL THINGS THE WHOLE

TIME, LIKE, JUST YELLING AT HIM.

LIKE, "WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU'RE NEVER LEAVING.

I'M GONNA TORTURE YOU FOREVER.

YOU CAN TELL ME NOW OR LET ME

BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU FOR

FUCKING FOUR MONTHS."

THAT'S WHY I KNOW I'D BE A BAD

SOLDIER.

THERE'S ZERO CHANCE THAT I DON'T

IMMEDIATE--BEFORE THEY EVEN GET

NEAR ME.

"LET'S TALK.

HERE'S WHAT I KNOW."

EVERYTHING.

I--EVER--EVERY--I MIGHT HAVE

MISSED A FEW THINGS.

I'LL BE LIKE, "GIMME YOUR

EMAIL."

I WILL FUCKING GET BACK TO YOU."

SO THEY TORTURE HIM, THEY'RE

GETTING INFORMATION.

THIS WOMAN'S BEEN ASSIGNED TO

FIND OSAMA BIN LADEN.

PEOPLE ARE FINDING OUT YOU'RE

TORTURING PEOPLE.

LET'S KNOCK IT OFF.

SO THEY HAVE TO STOP THAT,

BUT INFORMATION STARTS TO DRY UP

AT THAT POINT.

ALTHOUGH I THINK AT ONE POINT

SHE BRINGS SOMEBODY A CAKE, AND

THEY TELL HER SOMETHING, SO SHE

THINKS, "WELL, MAYBE CAKE'S THE

SECRET."

BY THE WAY, DAN HAS A CAGE OF

MONKEYS THAT HE KEEPS AS PETS,

AND AT ONE POINT, SOME OF THE

HOSTAGES THAT THEY HAVE THERE

KILL THE MONKEYS.

THAT SEEMED UNNECESSARY IN THE

MOVIE.

JUST MADE ME SAD FOR NO REASON.

LIKE, WHAT THE--WHY DID THAT

EVEN HAVE TO BE IN HERE?

HE'S JUST SAD ONE DAY.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, THEY KILLED ALL

MY MONKEYS."

WE FOUND ABU AHMED.

YOU KNOW, IT WAS ALL ABOUT CELL

PHONES.

YOU CAN'T HAVE A CELL PHONE.

IF YOU'RE ON THE RUN,

GET RID OF PHONES.

PHONES ARE GONNA GET YOU CAUGHT,

BUT THEN THEY THINK, "ABU

AHMED'S BEEN DEAD."

TURNS OUT IT WASN'T; IT WAS HIS

BROTHER.

THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE.

THAT'S RACIST, BUT THAT'S WHAT

THE CIA's SAYING.

UH, LIKE, THAT'S, LIKE, WHAT THE

HEADS ARE SAYING.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, WHOOPS."

ALL RIGHT, SO HE WASN'T DEAD,

AND THEY BRIBE PEOPLE--OH, THEY

GAVE SOMEBODY A LAMBORGHINI, AND

THEN THE CIA, NOW THAT THIS

MOVIE CAME OUT, THEY'RE LIKE,

"WE WOULD NEVER GIVE SOMEBODY A

LAMBORGHINI FOR INFORMATION."

THEY FUCKING GAVE SOMEBODY A

LAMBORGHINI.

THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.

THEY LOVE TO WASTE MONEY.

EVERY LEAD IS AWFUL.

ONE TEAM IS LIKE, "WE GOT THIS

DOCTOR THAT'S THE DOCTOR FOR

OSAMA BIN LADEN.

HE'S GONNA TELL US WHERE IT IS."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OKAY, SO WE

GOT THIS MEETING PLACE,"

AND THEN AS THE DOCTOR'S SHOWING

UP TO THE MEETING PLACE, THEY'RE

LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET RID OF ALL THE GUARDS.

THE DOCTOR WOULD NOT COME MEET

US UNLESS THERE WERE NO GUARDS."

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING

MIND?

LIKE, THEY FALL FOR THAT?

THEY'RE LIKE, "OKAY, GET THE

GUARDS AWAY.

GET THE GUARDS AWAY."

DOCTOR COMES UP, FUCKING...

BVVVVVVVVVV!

BLOWS UP, EVERYBODY FUCKING

DIES.

THEY'RE ALL DEAD.

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO ON THAT

CALL; SHE DIDN'T.

AT THE LAST MINUTE, SHE DIDN'T.

THIS ENTIRE MOVIE IS TRUE EXCEPT

FOR ONE PART.

THAT HOT REDHEAD WAS A FAT OLD

MAN, OKAY?

THAT'S WHO THAT WAS IN REAL

LIFE, AND THEN HOLLYWOOD'S LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, LET'S, UH, GET RID

OF THAT GUY.

HELLO."

MEANWHILE, SHE GETS MADE AT HER

COMPOUND.

DRIVEWAY'S THIS HUGE GUARD GATE.

THEY JUST UNLOAD ROUND AFTER

ROUND, JUST SHOOTING UP HER CAR.

OH, FUCK!

AGAIN, SHE DOESN'T DIE.

SHE HAD BULLETPROOF GLASS OR

SOMETHING, AND SHE PULLED BACK

IN, AND, "CLOSE THE GATE QUICK!"

AND, LIKE, THE BULLETS ARE LIKE,

"WELL, WE ALMOST GOT YOU."

SHE GETS IN, AND SHE ALMOST GETS

BLOWN UP, AND SHE'S AT A HILTON

OR SOMETHING, SO NOW SHE HAS TO

GO BACK TO THE UNITED STATES.

THIS IS WHEN THE MOVIE JUST GOES

TO A CRAWL.

SHE'S GOT A NEW LEAD.

THEY FOUND THIS COMPOUND THAT NO

ONE HAS NOTICED BEFORE IN THIS

POOR NEIGHBORHOOD IN PAKISTAN.

THERE'S A FUCKING MANSION.

I DON'T KNOW PROPERTY VALUE LIKE

I THINK I SHOULD, BUT THAT

MANSION IN THAT REAL SHITTY

NEIGHBORHOOD LOOKS SUSPICIOUS.

IT MYSTERIOUSLY HAS 20-FOOT

WALLS THAT GO ALL THE WAY AROUND

IT, AND EVERY WINDOW IS CLOSED

ALWAYS, AND THERE'S JUST RANDOM

DELIVERIES BEING BROUGHT.

THIS IS WHAT THEY COULDN'T--

MEANWHILE IT'S TWO BLOCKS AWAY

FROM A MILITARY ACADEMY,

LIKE, THEIR EQUIVALENT TO WEST

POINT.

SHE'S LIKE, "THEY KNOW ABOUT

THIS," AND NOW THIS IS WHERE THE

RED TAPE OF WASHINGTON COMES

INTO PLAY.

OH, IT'S FRUSTRATING.

SHE'S--EVERY SCENE, THIS REDHEAD

IS COMPLAINING, "I NEED THIS.

I NEED THIS NOW.

I NEED TH--"

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR ANSWER

IS?

THERE'S--THE CIA DUDE, YOU KNOW

WHAT HE SAYS EVERY TIME?

"WE CAN'T DO IT."

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO

IN ABOUT THREE MORE MINUTES

AFTER ARGUING?

"WE'RE GONNA DO IT."

IT'S EVERY SCENE.

"WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR

THAT.

WE FOUND THE MONEY."

IT'S ALL IT IS FOR 1 1/2 HOUR IN

THE MIDDLE.

"I BEEN TOLD ABOUT THIS ONE.

I HEAR YOU'RE TOUGH TO WORK

WITH.

I'M JUST GONNA GO AHEAD AND SAY,

'YES,' NOW."

THEY'RE NOT ACTING ON THIS

COMPOUND.

THEY'RE TRYING TO GET, YOU KNOW,

VISUAL CONFIRMATION.

WHAT HE--WHAT PERCENTAGE ARE YOU

THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN'S IN THERE?

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "9%."

SHE'S, "100."

RIGHT AWAY.

"100, 100%."

AND SHE KEEPS RUNNING UP TO THE

WINDOW.

THIS IS IRRITATING.

SHE JUST KEEPS RUNNING UP TO HER

BOSS'S WINDOW, LIKE, "IT'S BEEN

SIX DAYS AND WE HAVEN'T ACTED ON

THIS MANSION."

GUESS WHAT.

THAT SCENE GOES ON FOREVER.

"190 DAYS THAT NO ONE'S DONE

ANYTHING," AND SHE KEEPS ERASING

IT.

I WOULD GET ANNOYED IF I WAS HER

BOSS.

I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, WE GET IT.

ONE MORE THAN WHAT IT SAYS

CURRENTLY."

SO FINALLY THEY ACT, WHICH IS

EXCITING BECAUSE NOW IT'S ABOUT

MEN...

RIGHT?

BRING IN THE SEAL TEAM AND LET

HER FUCKING JUST SIT THERE AND

WATCH WHILE MEN GO FUCK SHIT UP.

THAT I LIKED.

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, THIS IS

GOOD."

SO THEY HAD TWO SPECIAL

HELICOPTERS THAT CAN'T BE

TRACED, AND THEY FLEW INTO

PAKISTAN, AND THEY LAND--ONE OF

THEM CRASHED.

THAT DIDN'T WAKE ANYBODY UP

IN THE HOUSE.

THEY GO TO THE COMPOUND, AND

THEY JUST START KILLING KIDS AND

WIVES, BUT THEY'RE TRYING NOT TO

FOCUS ON THAT TOO MUCH, BUT

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

THEIR BIG PLAN TO FIND OSAMA IS,

LIKE, "HERE, 'SAMA, 'SAMA,

'SAMA, 'SAMA."

IT'S ABOUT THAT DUMB.

THIS PART OF THE MOVIE, IT'S

SHOT A LOT LIKE PROJECT X.

A FINE FILM.

SNUBBED.

IT'S, LIKE, SHOT WITH GODDAMNED

CAMCORDER OR--YOU KNOW, BOUNCY.

THINK I SAW SOMEBODY WITH A

BEARD.

"HEY, THERE'S OSAMA."

POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW!

CAN WE GET A STEADICAM?

YOU'D THINK THAT WOULD BE ONE

THAT THEY WOULD WANT TO LOCK OFF

A CAMERA,

AND, LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET

THIS SHOT GOOD."

THEY FUCKING STORM IN THERE, AND

THEY FUCKING KILL HIM, BUT THEY

DON'T FUCKING SHOW IT.

SO YOU DON'T SEE HIM DIE.

HE'S DEAD.

THEY PUT HIM IN A BAG.

THEY BRING HIM BACK.

WELL, THEIR HELICOPTER SEEMED

VERY FULL WHEN IT TOOK OFF.

UH, HOW DID ALL OF THEM GET IN

ONE TO LEAVE?

SHE UNZIPS IT.

SHE IDENTIFIES IT.

"WELL, 100%."

THEN SHE GETS TO FLY HOME, AND

SHE GETS IN ONE OF THOSE BIG,

HUGE, YOU KNOW, MILITARY

CARRIERS THAT BRINGS OVER TANKS

AND EVERYTHING, AND SHE'S

SITTING BY HERSELF IN THE BELLY

OF THAT THING,

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU MUST BE

PRETTY SPECIAL.

YOU GOT THIS THING BY YOURSELF."

WHICH IS CRAZY TO ME, THE AMOUNT

OF FUEL THAT YOU'RE GONNA WASTE

TO FLY THAT LITTLE GIRL BACK TO

D.C. IN THAT PLANE.

LIKE, REALLY?

GIVE HER A G4, LIKE, A NICE G6

THERE IS GONNA COST WAY LESS AND

BE SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE

FOR THE WOMAN THAT BROUGHT DOWN

OSAMA BIN LADEN.

AND SHE IMMEDIATELY STARTS

CRYING BECAUSE SHE'S A GIRL.

IF I WAS HER, AND I BROUGHT IT

DOWN, I'D BE LIKE, "I AM GONNA

GET SO MUCH PUSSY."

WE GOT OSAMA BIN LADEN, SURE,

BUT TEN YEARS TOO LATE.

DON'T YOU THINK?

LIKE, AT THIS POINT--

IT'S ALMOST LIKE LANCE ARMSTRONG

NOW GETTING BUSTED.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, YOU MEAN THE

GUY THAT USED TO WIN RACES TWO

DECADES AGO?"

"YEAH."

"GOOD JOB, GUYS."

MONEY WELL SPENT.

HERE'S WHAT--OH, THIS IS ANOTHER

THING I WANTED TO SAY ABOUT

OSAMA BIN LADEN.

I DON'T THINK HE WAS HIDING.

I REALLY JUST THINK HE WAS JUST,

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE.

I DID MY THING.

I'M JUST GONNA STAY IN THIS

MANSION, AND ANY DAY NOW,

THEY'RE JUST GONNA COME

KNOCKING," AND THEN, LIKE, YEAR

AFTER YEAR WENT BY, AND HE'S

LIKE, "THEY'RE REALLY NOT GONNA

FUCKING FIND ME.

OR ARE THEY NOT LOOKING?

THEY THINK I'M IN CAVES.

[scoffs]

HONEY, THEY THINK I'M IN A CAVE.

THEY'RE NOT LOOKING IN

MANSIONS."

AND THAT WAS ZERO DARK THIRTY.

[applause]

IF THIS NEXT NOMINEE WINS, I

SWEAR TO CHRIST, I WILL SLIT MY

THROAT RIGHT HERE ON THE STAGE.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR

LES MISERABLES.

AND YOU CAN SAY IT'S BECAUSE

I DON'T HAVE CULTURE OR I'M

UNEDUCATED OR WHATEVER, BUT I

HATE PLAYS.

I THOUGHT THERE WERE SONGS, AND

THEN THEY WOULD TALK.

EVERY WORD IS SANG.

WITH THAT BEING SAID...

♪ LOOK DOWN

♪ WOLVERINE IS PULLING

♪ BY THE WAY

♪ IF YOU WANT ANY OF THESE

♪ SONGS TO SOUND LIKE A REAL

♪ SONG, THEY WILL NOT

♪ HOW IS THIS WHOLE MOVIE

♪ BASED ON STEALING BREAD

♪ THE ONE THING THAT'S FREE ♪

♪ AT EVERY FUCKING RESTAURANT?

♪ TEN YEARS LATER

♪ SO ANNE HATHAWAY GETS FIRED

♪ BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED ♪

♪ TO HAVE A KID, APPARENTLY

♪ SHE SAID, WELL, I HAVE

♪ TO FIND SOME MONEY

♪ UH, CUT YOUR HAIR

♪ I'LL GIVE YOU MORE MONEY ♪

♪ IF YOU GIVE ME TEETH

♪ YOU'RE NOW A WHORE ♪

♪ YEAH, SHE'S GETTING FUCKED ♪

♪ AND THEN SHE JUST DIES

♪ THIS IS A BAD 24 HOURS

♪ TEN YEARS LATER, THE FRENCH

♪ REVOLUTION APPARENTLY BEGAN

♪ "CORSET" IS NOW AMANDA

♪ "SIEGFRIED"

♪ RUSSELL CROWE IS LIKE

♪ " CAN'T LIVE WITH THE FACT ♪

♪ THAT I JUST LET

♪ THIS GUILTY MAN GO

♪ AND HE JUST KILLS HIMSELF

♪ WOLVERINE DIDN'T SEE HIM DIE ♪

♪ SO HE THINKS THAT

♪ HE'S GONNA COME ♪

♪ STILL CHASE HIM

♪ SO HE JUST MENTALLY TELLS

♪ HIMSELF TO DIE

♪ AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDS

♪ AND IF ONE MORE PERSON

♪ TELLS ME

♪ DID YOU KNOW

♪ DURING THE MOVIE

♪ THAT THEY REALLY SANG?

♪ I WOULD SAY, YEAH, I FUCKING

♪ BELIEVE IT

♪ IT DIDN'T SOUND THAT GOOD ♪

LES MIS.

[applause]

LET'S BE HONEST.

THIS NEXT MOVIE HAS ZERO CHANCE

OF WINNING.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S ABOUT,

AND NEITHER DO ANY OF YOU.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A PREVIEW FOR

IT.

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THIS

IS.

THEN IT STARTS, AND IT'S LIKE,

"OH, THIS IS DOWN IN, LIKE, THE

BAYOU OF NEW ORLEANS, LIKE, DOWN

PAST THE LEVEE.

IT'S BASICALLY SWAMP PEOPLE

HOARDERS.

I LOVED THIS MOVIE.

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD--

THIS BLACK GIRL THAT'S THE STAR

OF THIS MOVIE IS SO FUCKING

GOOD-LOOKING.

LIKE, I'M JUST IMMEDIATELY LIKE,

I WANT THAT KID.

LIKE, I WANT--JUST FUCKING--A

'FRO.

YOU JUST--SHE'S THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL EVER.

I SEE YOU GUYS LOOKING AT ME

KIND OF WEIRD.

I'M JUST SAYING I WANT TO ADOPT

HER.

I WANT--LIKE, I WANT--LIKE,

THAT, I GET IT.

I GET IT IF THAT'S WHAT ANGELINA

JOLIE SEES ONE TIME.

LIKE, "OH, I FUCKING WANT THAT."

AND SHE'S GOT THE MONEY, SO

SHE'S LIKE, "I'LL FUCKING TAKE

IT."

IF I SAW THAT KID, 50-50 I

KIDNAP IT.

LIKE, I'D HAVE TO TELL MYSELF,

"YOU CAN'T KIDNAP HER."

BUT I'M LIKE, "I'M GONNA FUCKING

KIDNAP HER."

I WANT HER SO BAD.

SHE'S AMAZING.

BY THE WAY, WHAT'S HER NAME?

THE CUTEST GIRL IN THE WORLD?

HUSHPUPPY.

YEAH.

I'M NOT CHANGING THAT WHEN I

TAKE HER.

UH, HUSHPUPPY.

FUCKIN' GREATEST NAME EVER.

AND THEY HAVE--LIKE, THEY DON'T

HAVE, LIKE, THE CRAZY CAJUN

ACCENT, BUT THEY DO HAVE A

STUPID ACCENT, AND IT'S BEING

NARRATED BY THAT SAME LITTLE

GIRL, WHICH IS KINDA TOUGH

BECAUSE SHE'S NOT EASY TO

UNDERSTAND, SO YOU'RE LIKE, "OH,

ALL RIGHT."

I MEAN, HOW MANY TAKES DID THAT

TAKE?

ALTHOUGH THEY SAID IN THIS MOVIE

THEY DIDN'T USE REAL ACTORS, I

HAD HEARD, SO THAT SEEMS RIGHT

BECAUSE MOST OF IT SEEMED LIKE

WE WERE JUST FILMING CRAZY

PEOPLE.

IT'S AN ISLAND, BUT IT'S, YOU

KNOW--IT'S NOT REALLY AN ISLAND.

THERE'S A ROAD THAT GETS THERE.

THEY HAVE CARS.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE CARS WHICH IS--

THERE'S NO GAS STATIONS.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY--I DON'T

KNOW WHERE THEY GET GAS IN THIS

MOVIE.

CONSTANTLY THEY HAVE BOATS.

NOT A REAL BOAT.

THEY HAVE A BACK OF A PICKUP

TRUCK THAT SOMEHOW FLOATS WITH A

LITTLE OUTBOARD MOTOR ON IT.

HER DAD'S A CRAZY ALCOHOLIC, AND

THEY HAVE TONS OF PETS, AND THEY

HAVE, LIKE--THEY JUST--IT'S

LITERALLY SWAMP HOARDERS.

LIKE THEY'RE JUST JUNK.

THEY JUST NAIL THINGS TO A WALL,

AND IT'S LIKE A HOMELESS PEOPLE

VILLAGE IS WHAT IT IS, AND IT'S

DIRTY AND IT'S GROSS, BUT

HUSHPUPPY HAS HER OWN LITTLE

HOUSE, AND DAD DOESN'T WANT HER

IN HIS HOUSE.

THEY HAVE TWO SEPARATE LITTLE

PROPERTIES ON THEIR COMPOUND,

WHICH IS KIND OF IMPRESSIVE, AND

THEY HAVE TONS OF ANIMALS, AND

SHE'S ALWAYS PICKING UP ANIMALS

AND PUTTING THEM TO HER HEAD.

SHE CAN HEAR--SHE CAN--SHE

COMMUNICATES.

SHE LIKES TO HEAR THEIR

HEARTBEAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I JUST FEEL LIKE THAT'S

SOMETHING SHE DID, AND THEY WERE

ROLLING CAMERAS, AND THEY'RE

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, LET'S USE IT."

BUT SHE HAS A CONNECTION WITH

ANIMALS, AND SHE GOES TO SCHOOL.

THERE'S A TEACHER--AND YOU'RE

SITTING IN ON THIS LESSON WITH

THIS TEACHER, AND THE TEACHER

STARTS OUT, AND SHE'S LIKE,

"OKAY, THERE'S A--WE'RE GONNA--"

SHE PULLS UP HER DRES--LIKE

ALMOST TO HER, LIKE, PUSSY.

SHE PULLS UP HER SKIRT TO SHOW

THIS INNER THIGH TATTOO OF AN

AUROCHS--

DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN AUROCHS IS?

IT'S LIKE SOME BEAST THAT

APPARENTLY FROZE, AND--

IT'S BASICALLY LIKE A PIG WITH

EXTRA TUSKS ALL OVER THE PLACE--

AND SHE'S WARNING OF GLOBAL

WARMING, AND WHEN THE SOUTH POLE

MELTS, WATER LEVELS WILL RISE,

AND THE BATHTUB WILL BE GONE.

THAT'S THE NAME OF WHERE THEY

LIVE.

IT'S CALLED THE BATHTUB.

OKAY, SO THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE

MOVIE, IS THIS LITTLE GIRL, BUT

SHE'S HAVING VISIONS OF THE SNOW

MELTING, AND THE AUROCHS

STARTING TO MAKE THEIR WAY

TOWARD HER.

THAT'S--DOESN'T NEED THAT.

COULD HAVE COMPLETELY CUT ALL OF

THAT OUT OF THE MOVIE, AND THE

MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN EQUALLY IF

NOT BETTER.

THERE'S A BIG STORM A'COMING.

YOU THINK IT'S KATRINA, BUT IT'S

NOT.

IT'S NOT KATRINA.

AND MOST OF THE PEOPLE ARE

GETTING OUT OF TOWN EXCEPT FOR

THE DRUNKS.

THEY'RE JUST GONNA STAY THERE

AND DRINK.

AND THE DAD IS LIKE, "DON'T

WORRY, HONEY," AND HE JUST,

LIKE, RUNS OUTSIDE AND JUST

STARTS SHOOTING IN THE AIR LIKE,

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, STORM."

BEFORE THAT, THE DAD JUST

DISAPPEARS.

HE'S GONE FOR AWHILE, FOR A FEW

DAYS, AND SHE'S ALONE.

LITTLE TINY GIRL, LITTLE

THREE-YEAR-OLD, FOUR-YEAR-OLD

GIRL, JUST WALKING AROUND.

AND THEN SHE'S, LIKE, WALKING

AROUND GOING, "DADDY DOESN'T

COME HOME SOON, I'M GONNA HAVE

TO START EATING MY PETS."

YEAH, 'CAUSE SHE'S STARVING.

SHE'S STARVING TO DEATH, THIS

GIRL, AND SHE'S--BUT SHE DOESN'T

EAT HER PETS, BUT SHE DOES EAT

SOME OF THEIR FOOD.

SHE TAKES A LITTLE CAT FOOD AND

BOI--THEY HAVE A GAS GRILL.

WHERE'S ALL THIS GAS COMING

FROM?

HER DAD COMES BACK, LIKE, FOUR

OR FIVE DAYS LATER IN A HOSPITAL

GOWN AND A BRACELET, AND, YOU

KNOW, HE'S CLEARLY BEEN SICK AND

BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL,

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WHERE HAVE YOU

BEEN, DADDY?"

HE'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, "FUCKIN'

LEAVE ME ALONE."

AND SHE JUST WANTS TO KNOW WHERE

DADDY'S BEEN, AND THEN HE GETS

FED UP AND JUST SLAPS THE SHIT

OUT OF HER, AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT."

LIKE, NOW I'M DEFINITELY GONNA

STEAL HUSHPUPPY."

BUT WHAT DOES HUSHPUPPY DO?

SHE RETALIATES, PUNCHES HIM IN

THE CHEST.

IMMEDIATELY HE...

[gags]

HEART ATTACK, DIES.

DAD--SHE'S JUST STANDING OVER

HER DEAD DAD.

KILLED HER DEAD DAD.

BUT SHE DOESN'T PANIC.

SHE RUNS TO HER TEACHER, WHO'S

ALSO THE TOWN WITCH DOCTOR.

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING.

I THINK IT'S MORE LIKE LASSIE AT

THIS POINT, WHERE SHE'S LIKE,

"UH-UGH," AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH,

YOUR DAD HAD A HEART ATTACK

'CAUSE YOU PUNCHED HIM?"

SHE TAKES SOME WOOD AND MAYBE A

DEAD ANIMAL OR SOMETHING, THROWS

IT IN A BIG MASON JAR, SEALS IT

UP.

"BRING THAT BACK TO HIM."

SHE RUNS BACK, HER DAD'S GONE.

FEW DAYS LATER, SHE SEES HIM

DRINKIN' IN THE CITY BEFORE THE

BIG STORM COMES.

STORM COMES, ISLAND FLOODS.

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "DON'T WORRY.

THE WATER WILL--THE WATER WILL

RECEDE EVENTUALLY."

IT DOESN'T.

THINGS--EVERYTHING STARTS DYING.

ANIMALS ARE SICK.

SO THEY'RE LIKE, "AH, WE GOT A

PLAN."

THEY HOLLOW OUT AN ALLIGATOR--

UH, YEAH.

THEY FILL IT WITH GASOLINE...

AND DYNAMITE,

THEY TAKE THEIR LITTLE TRUCK BED

BOAT TO THE LEVEE TO BLOW IT

UP--BLOW THE LEVEE UP TO LET THE

WATER OUT.

AH!

SMART, RIGHT?

THE TEACHER FINDS WIND OF THIS,

AND SHE FLIES TO THE SCENE WITH

HUSHPUPPY.

HUSHPUPPY SEES THEM.

THEY'RE LIKE, "DON'T DO IT,

DON'T DO IT!

THIS IS DANGEROUS."

THERE'S ALSO THIS WEIRD KIND OF

AUTISTIC BLACK FELLOW THAT

DRESSES NICE.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DETONATE THE

ALLIGATOR.

HE DROPS IT IN THE WATER.

HUSHPUPPY GETS IT.

AND WHAT DOES HUSHPUPPY DO?

YANKS IT, LEVEE BREAKS, WATER

GOES.

ALL THE WATER LEAVES, BUT NOW

IT'S--EVERYTHING'S DEAD.

THE COAST GUARD COMES IN AND

SAYS, "YOU GUYS HAVE TO LEAVE

HERE.

THIS ISN'T SAFE.

THIS IS MANDATORY EVACUATIONS."

AND THEY'RE ALL LIKE, "WE'RE

NEVER LEAVING.

THIS IS OUR LAND."

BY THE WAY, SHE'S NOMINATED FOR

BEST ACTRESS, OKAY?

SO LET'S PUT IT INTO PERSPECTIVE

HOW STUPID ACTING IS.

SHE'S AMAZING, TOTALLY

AMAZING, BUT SHE'S A

FOUR-YEAR-OLD, AND SHE'S

COMPETING AGAINST MERYL STREEP,

SO DON'T FUCKING TELL ME HOW

HARD ACTING--OTHER COMICS HAVE

TALKED ABOUT THAT BEFORE, LIKE,

YOU KNOW, YOU COULDN'T--A

FOUR-YEAR-OLD COULDN'T WIN AN

NBA CHAMPIONSHIP.

LIKE, SO, TO PRETEND THAT

THERE'S SOME GREAT SKILL

INVOLVED--SOME PEOPLE CAN DO IT,

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T.

THEY'RE ALL FURIOUS BECAUSE NOW

THEY'RE JUST GETTING PUT INTO

KIND OF ALMOST LIKE A REFUGEE

CAMP, AND THE DOCTOR'S, LIKE,

"YOU'RE DAD'S--YOU'RE SICK,"

AND HE'S LIKE, "DON'T YOU TALK

ABOUT THIS IN FRONT OF MY--MY

BABY."

AND--I THINK HE HAS AIDS.

THE ONLY THING HE SAYS IN THERE

IS, "MY BLOOD IS EATING MY

BLOOD."

THEY END UP BREAKING OUT OF THIS

LITTLE REFUGEE CAMP.

THEY ALL GET BACK THERE TO THEIR

HORRIBLE SWAMP LAND, AND--

MEANWHILE, HUSH PUPPY IS ALWAYS

TALKING ABOUT HER MOTHER.

BUT HER MOTHER WAS NEVER IN HER

LIFE.

THE ONLY THING SHE HAS OF HER

MOTHER, APPARENTLY, IS AN OLD

JORDAN JERSEY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT IT'S JUST

THIS OLD, TATTERED JORDAN

JERSEY, AND SHE TALKS TO IT.

SHE CARRIES THE JERSEY AROUND

AND PUTS IT PLACES, AND SHE

TALKS TO THE JERSEY.

HUSHPUPPY IS GONNA GO FIND HER

MOM, SO SHE GETS THE OTHER KIDS,

ALL SIX OF THEM, AND THEY JUST

START SWIMMING OUT INTO THE GULF

OF MEXICO BECAUSE--

BECAUSE THEY SEE A LIGHT IN THE

DISTANCE, AND SHE FEELS THAT'S

HER MOTHER CALLING TO HER.

SURE ENOUGH, THEY'RE JUST FIVE

KIDS AND ONE LIFE PRESERVER,

JUST SWIMMING OUT IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE GULF.

UH, CRAZINESS.

THIS BOAT PULLS UP, AND IT'S NOT

A NORMAL BOAT LIKE--NOTHING CAN

BE NORMAL.

MEANWHILE, THIS GUYS IS EATING

CHICKEN SANDWICHES, AND HE NEVER

GETS RID OF THE WRAPPERS.

HE KEEPS EVERY WRAPPER IN HIS

BOAT ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE IT

SMELLS GOOD.

SO HE TAKES ALL THESE FIVE

LITTLE KIDS THAT HE JUST SAW

FLOATING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

GULF.

WHERE DO THEY GO?

THE STRIP CLUB.

THERE'S THIS CRAZY FLOATING

STRIP CLUB WHERE WEIRD CAJUNS GO

TO GET LAP DANCES.

EVERYBODY'S EXCITED.

"THERE'S LITTLE KIDS HERE IN THE

STRIP CLUB!"

THE STRIPPERS ARE ALL HAPPY, AND

THEY ALL KIND OF PICK A LITTLE

GIRL, AND THEY JUST START SLOW

DANCING WITH THEM,

AND HUSHPUPPY FINDS A WOMAN THAT

LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HER MOTHER.

THEY DON'T SAY IT'S HER MOTHER,

BUT IT'S HER MOTHER, AND SHE

STARTS SAYING THINGS THAT JUST

SOUND JUST LIKE HER FATHER, BUT

SHE'S NOT A STRIPPER, GUYS.

NO, NO, SHE'S THE COOK.

SHE'S A FUCKING STRIPPER TOO.

BY THE WAY, THEY EAT AMAZING IN

THIS MOVIE.

YOU CAN'T WATCH THIS MOVIE AND

NOT WANT, LIKE, A BIG BUCKET OF

CRAWFISH AND SHRIMP AND CRABS.

AT ONE POINT, THIS GUY'S SHOWING

HUSHPUPPY HOW TO CRACK OPEN A

CRAB, AND HER FATHER JUST--

"YOU FUCKING--"

AND HE GRABS IT FROM HIM,

AND THE TOOL, THE TOOL--

"DON'T YOU USE A SCREWDRIVER,

HUSHPUPPY."

AND HE'S JUST LIKE, "BEAST IT.

BEAST IT.

BEAST IT."

AND EVERYBODY JUST STARTS

CHANTING, "BEAST IT!"

AND THEN HUSHPUPPY, LITTLE

FOUR-YEAR-OLD-GIRL'S JUST GOIN'

LIKE, "RRRRRRG," AND SHE FUCKIN'

RIPS THE CRAB OPEN AND EATS IT,

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE, "RRRRRRG!"

BUT SHE KNOWS THAT SHE HAS TO GO

BACK TO SEE HER DAD.

SHE GOES BACK TO SEE HER DAD,

AND HE'S DYING.

SHE'S SITTING THERE AND STARING

AT HER FATHER, AND IT'S, LIKE,

HIS LAST HEARTBEAT, AND SHE'S

CRYING, AND HE'S CRYING, AND

IT'S VERY SAD.

IT'S EMOTIONAL.

DAD'S DEAD.

THEY ALL THROW HIM IN THE BACK

OF HIS PICKUP TRUCK BOAT,

THROW A BUNCH OF KINDLING IN

THERE, AND LIGHT IT ON FIRE AND

JUST SHOVE IT OUT INTO THE GULF.

AND THAT'S HOW THE MOVIE ENDS.

THE WEIRDEST PART ABOUT THIS

WAS RIGHT AFTER I WATCHED THIS

MOVIE--IT WAS SO EMOTIONAL.

I HAD TO APPROVE NEW PLANS ON MY

NEW HOUSE THAT'S BEING BUILT IN

MALIBU, AND I LITERALLY GOT

FURIOUS AT THE GUY BECAUSE THEY

HAD MESSED UP MY SEVENTH

BATHROOM.

PERSPECTIVE.

AND THAT'S

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD.

[applause]

HERE'S ANOTHER MOVIE ABOUT OSAMA

BIN LADEN AND STUFF.

THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT

FOR ARGO.

[applause]

I WOULD RATHER WATCH THE PRETEND

"ARGO" THAN THE REAL ARGO.

DOING A SPOILER ALERT FOR THIS

MOVIE IS INSANE.

FIRST OF ALL, IT'S HISTORY.

WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

THEY ALL GOT OUT.

1979, IRAN, UH, THE U.S.

EMBASSY GETS TAKEN OVER.

THEY ATTACK, IT'S SCARY, THEY'RE

PROTESTING SOMETHING--

I FORGOT WHAT.

THEY CAPTURE 52 PEOPLE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THEIR

HOSTAGES WERE?

444 DAYS.

THEY MADE THE MOVIE ABOUT THE

SEVEN PEOPLE THAT SNUCK OUT,

NOT THE 52 PEOPLE THAT WERE

TORTURED.

LET'S FOCUS ON THE PEOPLE THAT

ARE DOWN THE STREET IN A

MANSION.

THERE'S LIKE THREE WIVES, I

THINK, OUT OF THE SEVEN,

AND THEY'RE CONSTANTLY

COMPLAINING LIKE, "WE CAN'T GO

OUTSIDE."

OH, I ALMOST LOST MY MIND

RIGHT THERE.

HOW 'BOUT THE FACT THAT BEN

AFFLECK WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A

MEXICAN?

THEY NEVER ADDRESS THAT.

BEN AFFLECK IS SENT IN TO GET

THEM OUT THERE.

THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.

HE GETS PEOPLE OUT.

WE'RE GONNA DO A FAKE MOVIE, AND

I'M GONNA GO IN AS A SCOUT

LOCATION.

WE'RE GONNA SHOOT IT HERE IN

IRAN, AND WE'RE GONNA CALL THE

MOVIE "ARGO."

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST CREATE A

MOVIE 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE CIA, SO

LET'S ACTUALLY FLY TO HOLLYWOOD

AND LET'S GET A--THEY GET ALAN

ARKIN TO PRODUCE THE MOVIE, AND

JOHN GOODMAN COMES ABOARD--

I LOVE JOHN GOODMAN.

THEY GET A FAKE OFFICE TOGETHER.

THEY GET VARIETY TO RUN A STORY

ON THIS FAKE MOVIE.

MEMORIZE ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT

YOURSELF IN 24 HOURS, AND WE'RE

GONNA LEAVE TOMORROW.

THAT TO ME JUST SEEMS LIKE AN

IMPO--I WOULD HAVE JUST GAVE UP

THERE.

I'D BE LIKE, "NO, I CAN'T DO

THAT."

THE CIA'S LIKE, "NO, PLAN'S OFF.

IT'S TOO RISKY.

WE'RE NOT DOING IT.

FORGET THEM."

BEN AFFLECK'S LIKE, "NOPE.

I'M DOING THIS."

PRETTY SURE I SAW SOMEONE BEING

HUNG NEAR A KFC.

THIS IS WHY THIS MOVIE SHOULDN'T

WIN BEST PICTURE AT ALL, BECAUSE

OF SIMPLE THINGS.

IT HAPPENED.

NOBODY IN HOLLYWOOD MADE THIS

UP.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HOLLYWOOD

MAKES SOMETHING UP, YOU GET

CLOUD ATLAS, AND YOU LOSE YOUR

GODDAMNED MIND TRYING TO WATCH

THAT.

BEFORE THEY GO FOR IT, HE WANTS

TO JUST TEST TO SEE WHERE

THEY'RE AT.

"UH, LET'S JUST DO A LITTLE

SIGHT-SEEING."

THEY DO, AND THEY ALMOST GET

KILLED RIGHT THERE, BUT

APPARENTLY THAT WORKED.

SO MUCH BULLSHIT.

HE CONVINCES THEM ALL, AND NOW

THEY'RE GOING FOR IT, AND

THEY'RE GOING TO THE AIRPORT.

CUSTOMS PULLS ALL OF THEM ASIDE.

"DO YOU HAVE A BUSINESS CARD

THAT SAYS YOU'RE DOING THE

MOVIE?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "YES, WE DO."

OH, THERE'S AN 818 NUMBER.

THAT'S THE VALLEY.

PHONE CALL'S RINGING.

LETTIN' IT RING OVER AND OVER.

IF I KNOW IRAN LIKE I THINK I

DO, IT'S--THEY ARE PATIENT.

AH, JOHN GOODMAN!

"'ARGO' PRODUCTION."

"ARE YOU REALLY A MOVIE?"

"YES, WE'RE A REAL MOVIE."

GOOD ENOUGH.

YOU CAN'T SAY YOU'RE AMERICAN,

BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS SAY YOU'RE

CANADIAN.

KNOW THAT TERRORISTS KNOW THAT

NOW, SO IF YOU'RE EVER HIJACKED

ON A PLANE AND YOU'RE LIKE, "I'M

CANADIAN," ALL RIGHT, "NO,

YOU'RE NOT.

FUCKING AMERICAN KILLED.

SO THE PLANE'S TAKING OFF.

THAT'S WHEN THEY REALIZE, "OH,

SHIT.

THOSE WERE THE AMERICANS."

EVERYBODY'S CHASING THE PLANE.

YOU KNOW, THEY CAN'T STOP A

PLANE ONCE IT STARTS TO ROLL.

ANY TIME I'M ON DELTA, IT'S

LIKE, "FUCKIN' WE'RE GONNA

STOP."

DRIVING THEIR CARS LIKE, "RAM

THE PLANE!"

FUCK OFF.

SOON AS THEY SAY THAT, "WE HAVE

CLEARED IRANIAN AIRSPACE, ALL

THE WHITE PEOPLE--THE

CANADIANS--JUST JUMP UP AND

CHEER.

THERE'S FUCKING 800 IRANIANS ON

THIS PLANE LIKE, "THE FUCK'S

WRONG WITH OUR COUNTRY?"

THEY'RE ALL SAFE.

BEN AFFLECK'S CHARACTER'S A

HERO.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING TO DO WITH

THE MILITARY AND CANADA'S

GETTING THE CREDIT, KNOW THAT

IT'S COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

THAT IS ARGO.

[cheers and applause]

OKAY, IT'S BEEN A LONG SEGMENT

AND EVEN LONGER NIGHT.

IT'S FINALLY TIME TO SEE WHO

GETS TO GO HOME WITH THE OSCAR.

AND THE WINNER IS...

BATMAN.

YOU ALL KNOW IT WAS THE BEST

MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

I KID.

THE REAL WINNER IS--SPOILER

ALERT-- SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK

IS MY GUESS.

KIND OF A LONGSHOT.

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