Web Redemption - Bug in Mouth Reporter - Uncensored

  • Season 3, Ep 314
  • 06/07/2011
  • Views: 292,796
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Daniel gives Isiah Carey another chance to embrace both sides of himself on camera. (7:30)

- WHAT REALLY HAPPENEDON THAT THURSDAY

HERE AT AUGUSTA HIGH SCHOOLTHAT LEAD TO CHRIS WOODS' DEATH?

[gagging]WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

SHIT![spitting]

I'M DYING IN THIS FUCKINGCOUNTRY-ASS, FUCKED UP TOWN.

[laughter]

SHIT FLYINGIN MY MOUTH.

DAMN, FUCK.I CAN'T SEE.

POLLEN.

LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF THISCOUNTRY MOTHERFUCKER.

I CAN'T EVEN SEE WHERE--

[sniffing]

[laughter]

- YOU CAN TAKE THE REPORTEROUT OF THE HOOD,

BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BECAUSETHAT'S WHERE ALL THE CRIME IS.

THAT'S FOX'S OWNISIAH CAREY.

AND HE'S NOT A WHITE GUY.HE JUST PLAYS ONE ON TV.

WHEN A BUGFLEW INTO HIS MOUTH,

HE INSTANTLYFLIPPED THE SWITCH

FROM WILL SMITHTO LIL WAYNE.

THE NEWS IS FOR OLD PEOPLE

WHO DON'T KNOWHOW TO USE THE INTERNET.

SPORTS, WEATHER,ENTERTAINMENT--

THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT.

THE ONLY THING THE INTERNETDIDN'T RUIN WAS MY CAREER.

I JUMPED ABOARD THAT TRAINAND RODE IT ALL THE WAY

TO VERIFIED STATUSON TWITTER.

PEOPLE SAY THAT KATIE COURICLEFT CBS

BECAUSE SHE WAS GETTINGLOW RATINGS.

I CAN'T BELIEVESHE GOT ANY RATINGS.

SHE TALKS ABOUT CRAP I SAWON THE HUFFINGTON POST

EIGHT HOURS AGO.

THE NETWORK SHOULDJUST GIVE UP

AND PUT ON A RERUNOF SEINFELD

OR SYNDICATE TOSH.0.

[laughter]

YEAH.I'M JUST SAYING.

I LOVE WATCHING FOX NEWS.

I KNOW THEY'RE NOTFAIR AND BALANCED,

BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE THE SENSETO EMPLOY RACIST NUTCASES

WHO SCREAM ENTERTAINING THINGSABOUT OBAMA AND MUSLIMS.

PLUS, THEY GIVE MEA CHANCE TO LAUGH

AT THOSE TEA PARTY HICKS.

IN A RELATED STORY,

REPORTERS ARE NOTAS SMART AS YOU THINK.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDINGIN FRONT OF SOMETHING

DOESN'T MAKE YOUA EXPERT ON IT.

THERE ARE GUYS STANDING IN FRONTOF THE HOME DEPOT ALL DAY,

AND THE ONLY THINGTHEY'RE EXPERTS ON

IS SNEAKING INTO AMERICA.

THE ONE REPORTER I RESPECT ISANDERSON COOPER, THE SILVER FOX.

WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

HE SAVES HAITIAN CHILDREN.

I HAVE AN ASIAN BOYLIVING IN MY POOL HOUSE.

AND HERE IN L.A.,NO NIGHT IS COMPLETE

WITHOUT A LITTLELAUREN SANCHEZ.

SHE PRESENTS THE BESTPAIR OF HEADLINES

IN THE BUSINESS.

BIG, FAKE,SLUTTY HEADLINES.

BEING A SUCCESSFUL JOURNALISTIS HARD ENOUGH

WITHOUT BUGS JUMPINGDOWN YOUR THROAT

AND TURNING YOUINTO A JIVE TURKEY.

THAT'S WHY I RESCUED ISIAHFROM THAT COUNTRY-ASS TOWN

AND BROUGHT HIM TO THE BIG CITYFOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

- HOW ARE YOU, SIR?- GOOD, ISIAH.

HAVE A SEAT.- GOOD TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME

OUT IN THIS GOD-FORSAKENCOUNTRY-ASS PLACE.

I'VE GOTA BEEKEEPER MASK ON.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKEANY CHANCES.

I HAVE ONE FOR YOU.- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE,

BUT I'M GONNAHAVE TO SAY NO.

- WHEN AND WHEREWAS THAT VIDEO SHOT?

- IN ARKANSAS.LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS.

JUST NORTH OF LITTLE ROCK,ARKANSAS, BACK IN 1996.

- AND WHAT HAPPENEDTHAT DAY?

- I WAS OUTDOING A STORY ABOUT,

I THINK A HIGH SCHOOL KIDWHO MAY OF BEEN KILLED,

AND THIS GRASSHOPPER JUST JUMPSOUT OF NOWHERE IN MY MOUTH.

- DID YOU EATTHE GRASSHOPPER?

- NO, I DIDN'T.SPIT IT OUT IMMEDIATELY.

- DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU MIGHTHAVE A FORM OF TOURETTE'S?

- I'M DYING IN THIS FUCKINGCOUNTRY-ASS, FUCKED UP TOWN.

- [laughs]I DOUBT IT.

- WAS THAT LIVE?- NO, IT WASN'T LIVE.

IT WAS ON TAPE.

- DO YOU HAVEANY OTHER PERSONALITIES

HIDING INSIDE YOU?

- THAT'S ME LOSING CONTROL.LOSING COMPOSURE.

- IS THERE ANYTHINGI CAN DO

TO GET YOU TO LOSE CONTROL?

- I'M SURE THERE IS.

[both laugh]

- DO YOU HATE ITWHEN PEOPLE SAY

THAT YOU'RE "ACTING WHITE"?

- I'VE NEVER HEARD IT.I'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED THAT.

- PROBABLY 'CAUSE THEY KNOWWHAT HAPPENS.

YOU LOSE YOUR COOL.- [laughs]

- YOUR CAMERAMAN SEEMED TO BEENJOYING IT VERY MUCH.

- THEY TELL PHOTOGRAPHERS,"NEVER STOP ROLLING,"

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVEA MOMENT, EVEN AT MY EXPENSE.

- WERE YOU UPSET WITH HIM?- NOT REALLY, NOT REALLY.

YOU KNOW,WHEN IT FIRST HAPPENED,

WE ALL LAUGHED AT IT,

AND THEN ITSORT OF DISAPPEARED

AND IT REEMERGED AGAIN.

- THANKS TO THE INTERNET.- EXACTLY.

AND I WASN'T TOO HAPPY THEN.

- YOU WERE UPSETTHAT IT CAME OUT?

- WELL, WHO WANTS TO BE ON TVCURSING LIKE A SAILOR?

- ME.

- THAT'S YOUR THING.- I LOVE IT.

THERE SHOULD BE A NEWS CHANNELTHAT ALLOWS YOU TO SWEAR.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW I'DFEEL ABOUT THAT.

- YOU SAY THAT, BUT SOMETIMESTHE WORD FUCK

WILL DRIVE A POINT HOME.

DO YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLELOVED IT SO MUCH?

- YOU SEE REPORTERSAS ROBOTS,

AND IN THISPARTICULAR INSTANCE,

YOU GET TO SEE A REAL REPORTERACT A FOOL.

- DO YOUFEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE

THAT HAVE TO LIVEIN THAT COUNTRY-ASS PLACE?

- HEY, THAT'S A WONDERFUL TOWN.- [laughs]

- THAT WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.- DO YOU RIDE AROUND IN A VAN?

- MAINLY SUVs.- DOES YOUR HAVE RIMS?

- NO. IS IT THATBLACK REPORTER THING AGAIN?

- NO, I THOUGHT IT WOULD GIVEYOU A LITTLE MORE STREET CRED.

- WE KEEP IT GANGSTER.- THAT'S ALL I WAS THINKING.

DO YOU READ WHAT PEOPLE HAVEWRITTEN ON THE INTERNET?

- NO.- IT'S MOSTLY FLATTERING STUFF.

- OKAY, OKAY.I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

- IS THERE ANY OTHER THINGSTHAT HAVE GOTTEN INTO YOUR MOUTH

THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE?

- [laughs]

NO, JUST THE GRASSHOPPER.THAT'S IT.

- WOULD YOU CONSIDERWHAT THAT GRASSHOPPER DID

TO BE A HATE CRIME?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?ABSOLUTELY.

WHERE IS THE NAACPWHEN I NEED THEM?

- CAN'T A BROTHERJUST DO A REPORT?

ALL RIGHT, WE'D LIKE YOU TO DOA NEWSCAST FOR OUR SHOW.

- UH-HUH.

- WE'LL JUST HAVE YOUWAIT IN THE GREEN ROOM

AND I'LLSET EVERYTHING UP.

- ALL RIGHT,I'M GAME FOR IT.

- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE DOINGA LITTLE SOCIAL EXPERIMENT.

LET'S SEND IN CHARLIE,THE WHITE GUY.

- HELLO, MR. CAREY.- HOW ARE YOU, SIR?

- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

DO YOU NEED ANYTHINGWHILE YOU'RE WAITING?

- NO, I'M FINE.I'M FINE.

THANK YOU. APPRECIATE IT.- GREAT. ALL RIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT.

- THAT'S ABOUTWHAT I THOUGHT.

LET'S SEND IN DWAYNE,THE BLACK GUY.

- YO, FRIEND, WHAT'S GOOD?- WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- YO, GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?YEAH, YEAH.

YOU STRAIGHT?- YEAH.

- ISIAH, YOU ARE BUSTED.- WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WE HAVE A TWO-WAY MIRROROUT THERE.

I WATCHED YOU.CHARLIE COMES IN.

"HI, NICE TO MEET YOU,CHARLIE. RARR RARR RARR."

DWAYNE COMES IN."WHAT'S UP, FAM?"

THERE'S TWO OF YOU.YOU NEED TO EMBRACE IT.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW IFTHE WHITE YOU AND THE BLACK YOU

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE ITANOTHER SHOT?

- WE'LL TRY.

[music playing]

WELCOME TO KTOSH.0EVENING NEWS.

HERE ARE YOUR TOP STORIES.

RESIDENTS OF NORTH CAROLINAARE BRACING

FOR YET ANOTHERDEVASTATING HURRICANE.

IN A RELATED STORY,

NORTH CAROLINA'S ABOUT TO HAVESOME SALES ON FLAT SCREENS.

YOU HEARD ME.100% OFF, BEEYATCH.

- WATCH THE LANGUAGE.

- IN POLITICAL NEWS,PRESIDENT OBAMA ANNOUNCED

THAT HE WOULD CUT TAXES FORTHE RICHEST 1% OF AMERICANS.

MUST OF BEEN HIS WHITE HALF.

A BROTHER WOULD NEVER DOTHAT [bleep].

TWO POLICE OFFICERSCAUGHT ON TAPE

BEATINGAN AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUSPECT

WERE FOUND NOT GUILTY TODAY.

AND A NEW STUDYJUST RELEASED BY ME

SHOWS THAT AMERICAIS STILL RACIST.

[bleep] THE POLICE.

KELSEY GRAMMER RECENTLYTIED THE KNOT

FOR THE FOURTH TIME.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT A SINGLEBLACK PERSON AT THE WEDDING.

JUST LIKE THERE WASN'TA SINGLE BLACK PERSON

ON CHEERS OR FRAZIER.

GEORGE CLOONEYAND ANGELINA JOLIE

WENT ON ANOTHERHUMANITARIAN MISSION

TO WAR-TORN SOMALIA.

IN REAL ENTERTAINMENT NEWS,

NEW EDITION IS BACKIN THE HIZZY, YO.

AND FASHION WEEK JUST KICKED OFFIN NEW YORK CITY.

MAN, NOBODY CARES ABOUT THEMSKINNY WHITE SKANKS.

BUT BEYONCE UP THERE.

WELL,THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.

FOR ISIAH CAREY,I'M ISIAH CAREY.

MAY YOU HAVEA PLEASANT TOMORROW.

PEACE OUT.STAYED TUNED.

TYLER PERRY'S MEET THE BROWNS,

MY FAVORITE SHOW,COMING UP NEXT.

- THAT'S IT.I'M DONE. I QUIT.

- I ASSUME YOU HAVE DINNERRESERVATIONS IN THE PROJECTS

WITH YOUR BABY MAMATHIS EVENING.

YEAH, HAVE FUNAT THE FARMERS' MARKET,

YOU TINY-[bleep],MOTHER[bleep].

[laughter]

[applause]

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