CeWEBrity Profile - The Illusion - Uncensored

  • Season 5, Ep 7
  • 03/19/2013
  • Views: 32,424
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Daniel meets The Illusion and hires him as his new intern. (7:42)

- ALL RIGHT,THIS IS THE ILLUSION.

SOMEONE ASKED ME HOW I KEEPMY BOWL CUT TIGHT.

BOOM.

YOU CAN SEE I KINDAFARMED IT RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S PRETTY RADICAL,BUT...

WE'RE NOT GONNASWEAT IT, DUDE.

IT'S TIME TO WRAP OUR HEADS

AROUND THE FACTIT'S GONNA BE COLD

AND YET THE SUN IS BRIGHT.

- HEY, HE DID SAVE $8

BY NOT HAVING TO GOTO FANTASTIC SAMS.

SO WHO LOOKS DUMB NOW?

THAT SOUL SURFERIS THE ILLUSION,

AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF WAYS

TO DESCRIBEA GENTLEMAN LIKE HIM.

BURN-OUT, BEACH BUM, BRA,OWEN WILSON.

MOCK HIM ALL YOU WANT,

BUT WHILE YOU SPEND YOUR DAY

STRESSING OUTABOUT T.P.S. REPORTS,

HE'S CRUISINGON A WAVE CALLED LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHENYOU DEVOTE ALL YOUR BRAIN POWER

TO TURNING THINGSTHAT AREN'T BONGS INTO BONGS.

MY FAVORITE STONERIS THE DUDE,

BECAUSE DESPITE BEINGA TOTAL POTHEAD,

HE STILL KNEW WHEN A RUGTIED A ROOM TOGETHER.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT,DONNIE!

JESUS WAS THE ORIGINAL DUDE,

BECAUSEHE TOLD HIS FOLLOWERS

TO GIVE AWAYALL THEIR WORLDLY POSSESSIONS.

THAT ALSO EXPLAINSWHY HE WASN'T TOO POPULAR

WITH THE JEWS.

BEING A FREE SPIRIT

MEANS YOU GET FOOD,SHELTER, AND CLOTHING

WITHOUT ACTUALLYHAVING TO WORK.

IT'S JUST LIKE BEINGA GIRLFRIEND.

LISTEN, I'VE WALKED A MILEIN YOUR BIRKENSTOCKS.

WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I USED TO SPEND MY SUMMERSIN COSTA RICA

LIVING OFF $20 A WEEK.

I'VE BEEN BACK.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT MAKESTHESE TRIPS BETTER?

BEING ABLE TO AFFORD FOOD.

YOU WANT TO GO OFF THE GRID,FINE, BUT IT'S YOUR LOSS,

BECAUSE THE DOW ISTHROUGH THE ROOF RIGHT NOW.

I'VE ALWAYS SAID THE BEST WAYTO STICK IT TO THE MAN

IS TO SELL OUTAND BE THE MAN.

BUT THE ILLUSIONIS JUST A GENTLE SOUL

IN A CRUEL WORLD.

THAT'S WHY I PUT IT OUTINTO THE UNIVERSE

THAT I WANTED HIMON MY SHOW

FOR THIS WEEK'SCE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.

THE TOSH ABIDES.

[applause]

YOU ARE PROFICIENTIN POWERPOINT.

- YES, SIR.

- CONGRATULATIONS,THAT WILL NEVER COME IN HANDY.

PLUS YOUR NAMEIS ALSO DANIEL.

WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVETWO DANIELS WORKING HERE.

WE BARELY ALLOWA JIM AND A JOE, OKAY?

SO TAKE YOUR FANCY CARD STOCK

AND GET THE FUCKOUT OF MY FACE.

NEXT!

- HEY, BRO.HOW'S IT GOING?

- OH, YOU MUST BETHE ILLUSION.

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- DID YOU WRITE THIS RESUMEON A FISH TACO WRAPPER?

- ABSOLUTELY.REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE.

- DID YOU JUSTCOME UP WITH THAT?

- ORIGINAL.- BECAUSE THAT IS GOLDEN.

HOW MANY VIDEOSHAVE YOU POSTED?

- 450.

- WHICH ONE OF THOSE VIDEOSWAS YOUR MOST POPULAR?

- THE BOWL CUTMAINTENANCE VIDEO.

- YOU DON'T REALLY APPEARTO HAVE A BOW CUT RIGHT NOW.

- I'M GROWING IT OUTFOR CHARITY.

- HOW OLD IS THE ILLUSION?- INFINITE.

- HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- MY PHYSICAL FORMIS 43 YEARS OLD.

- PHYSICAL FORM.- YEAH, MY SPACE SUIT.

GEMINI.- I'M A FELLOW GEMINI.

- I NEVER KNOW WHO IMWHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.

- WHAT'S A TYPICAL DAY LIKEIN THE LIFE OF THE ILLUSION?

- WE GET UP, AND WE SORT OFJUST JUMP INTO IT

WITH NO PRECONCEIVED NOTION,AND LET IT HAPPEN.

- IS THEREA MRS. THE ILLUSION?

- NO, THERE'S NO MRS. ILLUSION.

SHE'D BE KNOWNAS THE HOLOGRAM.

- HOW HAVETHE BOGGELZ BEEN SELLING?

- DO YOU HAVE A PAIR OF THESEON YOUR HEAD?

I'M ASSURED THAT YOU DON'T.

- YOU CANNOT THINKTHE BOGGELZ ARE A GOOD IDEA.

- IT'S A FUNCTIONBEFORE FASHION ISSUE.

- OKAY.

WHEN YOU'RE AT BREAKFAST,

DOES THE ILLUSIONGO BAGEL OR CROISSANT?

- I DON'T REALLY LIKE FOOD,TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

- YOU DON'T LIKE FOOD?- I LIKE ICE CREAM.

I SWITCHED FROMCOOKIES TO ICE CREAM,

LIKE, TWO MONTHS AGO.

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITEKIND OF COOKIE?

- YOU KNOW, THE OREOSFIND THEMSELVES

AS A PREFERENCE.

- WHAT ABOUTA SNICKERDOODLE?

- I GOT FIRST PLACESANTA CRUZ COUNTY FAIR

FOR MY SNICKERDOODLES.

- SNICKERDOODLEFIRST PLACE CHAMPION?

AND THAT'SNOT ON YOUR RESUME?

- I WAS YOUNG.

- WHAT IS SPACESHIP EARTH?

- IT'S THE ILLUSION

REPORTING SOMEWHEREON SPACESHIP EARTH.

- SPACESHIP EARTH ISTHIS HOLOGRAM

WE'RE ALL EXPERIENCINGTHAT WE KNOW AS EARTH,

BUT IF YOU KIND OFTHINK OF IT

AS A BIGGER ISSUE,IT'S A SPACESHIP

JUST JAMMINGTHROUGH THE SOLAR SYSTEM.

- IF WE WERE TO DRUG TEST YOURIGHT NOW FOR THIS JOB,

WOULD YOU PASS?

- ABSOLUTELY.- WHOA.

I THINK THAT BLEWA LOT OF PEOPLE'S MINDS.

- YEAH.

- WHAT'S THE HIGHEST LEVELOF EDUCATION YOU'VE HAD?

- COLLEGE,BUT I DIDN'T GRADUATE.

- WOULD YOU SAY COLLEGEIS A WASTE OF MONEY OR NO?

- I THINK IN TODAY'S SOCIETY,

IT'S JUST A DEBT.IT'S A BURDEN.

I DON'T THINK YOU CANGET AHEAD WITH COLLEGE.

I THINK YOU GO AFTERYOUR DREAMS.

- IT'S LITERALLY LIKEI'M TALKING TO MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELFIN FIVE YEARS?

- WHOA.

FUTURE TRIPPING, MAN.I DON'T DO THAT.

- AH, THAT MIGHT BEMY FAVORITE ANSWER

I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

YOU JUST GET ELECTEDTO PRESIDENT.

WHAT DO YOU DO ON DAY ONE?

- MOVE OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

- [laughs]

DO YOU BELIEVEA LOT OF CONSPIRACY THEORIES?

- THEY'RE MORE LIKETRUTH REALITIES

THAN CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

THE WORLD'S RUN BY A CABALKNOWN AS THE NEW WORLD ORDER

THAT ARE LOW-FREQUENCY BEINGS

THAT ARE TRYING TO ZAPOUR HIGH-FREQUENCY ENERGY

AND KEEP US HERETRAPPED IN THIS HOLOGRAM.

- GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT,JUST ONE LAST QUESTION.

ARE YOU WILLING TO DOWHATEVER I SAY

AND WORK FOR FREE?

- OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

- WELL, THEN WELCOME ABOARD.

YOU ARE OFFICIALLY TOSH.0'SNEWEST INTERN, STARTING NOW.

- CAN I GET OUT OF THIS SUIT?

MY DAD NEEDS ITFOR HIS JOB INTERVIEW.

- YES.

- MOST FAR-OUT DREAMLAST NIGHT, MAN.

MY BED TURNED INTO AN EAGLE,AND I WAS GETTING TUBED,

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHOA!"

[phone rings]

HELLO, YOU'VE REACHEDTHE OFFICES OF TOSH.0.

- HEY!

PICK THOSE UP.

- GOT YOU, THREE GRAMS.

GOING ON A WEED RUN.CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

- I'LL TAKE AN EIGHTH.

- ALL RIGHT.- THANKS.

- CAN YOU FRONT ME A GRAM?

I PROMISE I'LL BRING CASHTOMORROW.

- SORRY, BABE.NO CASH, NO KUSH.

- ALL RIGHT, ILLUSION,CAN YOU READ THAT BACK TO ME?

- HUH?I WAS DRAWING WAVES.

- THOSE LOOK PRETTY SICK.

- HA, THAT'S RIGHT.

- HAVE YOU HEARD THE ILLUSION'SMATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY STORY?

- UH-UH.- OH, MY GOSH.

YOU'VE GOTTA ASK HIM ABOUT IT.IT'S SO GREAT.

- HEY, I HEARD YOU HAD A GREATMATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY STORY.

[dramatic music]

- DON'T EVER MENTION THAT NAMEAROUND ME AGAIN.

- HA.

- THIS SEASON,THE WARDROBE WILL BE BOGGELZ!

- KNOCK IT OFF,I TOLD YOU TO WALK MY DOGS.

- ON IT.

THIS IS MY NEW INVENTION,THE SHOE-PER SCOOPER.

IT'S GOT THE LONG LACESTO ATTACH THE PUPS TO.

IT'S GOT THE SCOOPS TO PICK UPTHE BISCUITS AS YOU GO.

DON'T EVEN THINKABOUT STEALING THIS IDEA.

HOWDY.

- HOW DID YOU GET IN THERE?

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

AH, HARSH.WOW, MAN.

- GOOD NEWS, GUYS.

THE ILLUSION'S GIVING OUTFREE HAIRCUTS.

E.J. IS FIRST.

- WE'RE GONNA DOTHE TRADITIONAL BOWL CUT,

WHICH IS SLIGHTLY CROOKED

AND MAYBE A CHUNKOUT OF THE BANGS

THAT JUST ISN'T RIGHT.

AND, YEAH, WE JUST KINDASTART CUTTING.

MAKE IT INTO A BOWL.

- SO YOU JUST EYEBALL IT.- OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- SHE LOOKS GOOD.

DID YOU FARM ITIN ANY PLACE?

- YEAH, I BOTCHED THE WHOLETHING PRETTY RADICALLY,

BUT IT'LL GROW OUT.

IT'S 3:15.

THAT'S IT FOR ME TODAY.MAN, I'M POOPED.

- WHAT ABOUT OUR BOWL CUTS?

- MANANA.

- EH.

SO WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINKOF THE ILLUSION?

- WHO?- YEAH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKEA WEIRDO ALL DAY.

- SO YOU MEAN THE ILLUSION...

[dramatic music]

HAS JUST BEEN AN ILLUSION?

IT'S LITERALLY LIKE I'M TALKINGTO MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

[dog whimpers]

- NO, GET OFF OF ME!- STOP, STOP.

I'M FARMING.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEYIS A DOUCHEBAG!

[gunshot]

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

THE ILLUSION JUST SHOTMY GIRLFRIEND IN HER FACE.

REAL DEAD.

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