Spoiler Alert - "Human Centipede" Uncut

  • Season 2, Ep 218
  • 08/04/2010
  • Views: 3,753,959
0 comments

Daniel Tosh spoils the biological horror film The Human Centipede. (24:22)

>> BEFORE WE GO, IT'S TIME FOR

"SPOILER ALERT."

HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST

SEQUENCE).

NOW, I DON'T IF YOU'VE HEARD

ANYTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE, BUT

IF YOU'RE PLANNING SEEING IT,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHANGE THE

CHANNEL RIGHT NOW.

I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS MOVIE AND

IMMEDIATELY CALLED ABOUT 20 OF

MY FRIENDS TO COME OVER TO MY

HOUSE FOR A VIEWING.

I ORDERED POPEYE'S CHICKEN.

I WENT WITH THREE BUCKETS.

IT'S NOT BUCKETS--BOXES.

I WENT WITH ONE SPICY, ONE

REGULAR, ONE 50-50 MIX.

IN HINDSIGHT, SHOULD HAVE WENT

TWO SPICY, ONE REGULAR.

PEOPLE TEND TO GO FOR THE SPICY

IF YOU'RE GONNA GET POPEYE'S.

AND THEN I GOT THE SIDES FROM A

GROCERY STORE, WHICH KIND OF

MAKES IT FEEL A LITTLE NICER,

YOU KNOW.

YEAH.

POPEYE'S IS--THEY DO CHICKEN,

BUT I WANT MY POTATO SALAD FROM

SOMEPLACE--I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHO I WANT TO PLUG

THERE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

THE POINT IS--THE POINT IS, WE

HAD A GREAT MEAL.

EVERYBODY WAS HAPPY.

WE PROBABLY ATE FOR ABOUT 45

MINUTES.

WE TALKED.

THEN WE WENT--WE ALSO WANTED TO

WAIT FOR IT TO GET DARK TO BE

QUITE HONEST.

YOU DON'T WANT TO WATCH HUMAN

CENTIPEDE WHILE IT'S STILL

LIGHT OUTSIDE.

AND SOME OF YOU ARE PROBABLY

LIKE, "DON'T YOU HAVE 100%

BLACKOUT SHADES IN YOUR THEATER

ROOM?

YES.

IT'S STILL THE MIND-SET.

SO ANYWAY, WE GO DOWN THERE.

EVERYBODY GETS THEIR SEAT.

AND BY THE WAY, I'M WATCHING

THIS WITH ABOUT 20 COMEDIANS AND

SOME WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS WHO

ARE LIKE, "OH, I DON'T WANT TO

BE SCARED," AND YOU'RE JUST,

LIKE, IMMEDIATELY ANNOYED

IMMEDIATELY.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "UGH,

ALL RIGHT, I GET IT.

OH, I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU."

ALL RIGHT, SO WE START THE

MOVIE.

NOW, THE FIRST SCENE OF THIS

MOVIE--IT'S NOT SUBTITLED, BUT

IT'S SET IN GERMANY, AND THERE'S

A CREEPY GUY WHO APPEARS TO BE

MASTURBATING TO PICTURES OF HIS

OLD ROTTWEILERS.

THAT'S THE OPENING, AND HE'S

JUST--IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE

DAY, NICE DAY, GERMANY.

IT'S--GERMANY IS LIKE WISCONSIN

ONLY, LIKE, WITH A REALLY BAD

PAST.

[laughter]

SO HE'S SITTING THERE.

HE'S LOOK AT THESE PICTURES.

AND THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU

SEE--AND IT'S A BUSY ROAD, A

HIGHWAY, BUT HE'S, LIKE, ON THE

ON-RAMP, AND THEN A SEMI COMES

UP NEXT TO HIM AND STOPS, AND

THE GUY GETS OUT, AND HE'S DOING

THE SHIT WALK, AND HE'S GOT

TOILET PAPER, SO, LIKE, THIS GUY

CAMPS OUT AT A PLACE WHERE

TRUCKERS NORMALLY GO TO TAKE

SHITS AND STUFF ON THE SIDE OF

THE ROAD, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

HE GETS OUT OF HIS CAR CASUAL AS

CAN BE, PUTS--LIKE, HE DOESN'T

FINISH MASTURBATING, PUTS HIS

PICTURES OF HIS ROTTWEILERS

AWAY, AND HE GETS OUT, AND HE

GOES AND OPENS HIS TRUNK AND

THEN PULLS OUT A RIFLE, CARS

JUST FLYING BY, AND THEN WALKS--

LIKE, HE'S SNEAKING UP BEHIND

THE TRUCKER WHO IS TAKING A

SHIT, BUT HE DOESN'T EVEN, LIKE,

LIKE, GIVE HIM, LIKE, 10 FEET.

HE'S, LIKE, THREE STEPS BEHIND

HIM.

JUST LIKE, "OH, I HOPE HE

DOESN'T LOOK BEHIND HIM."

[laughter]

AND SO THE GUY GOES--AND BY THE

WAY, HE'S GONNA SHOOT THIS GUY,

BUT, LIKE, HE SHOOTS HIM, BUT

IT'S A DART.

JUST TO TRANQUILIZE HIM.

I GET IT, BUT, LIKE, DID HE--

YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW.

DID THE GUY--DID HE SHOOT HIM

BEFORE HE SHIT OR AFTER?

AND--BECAUSE HE'S DRIVING, LIKE,

A BEAUTIFUL, LIKE,

E550 MERCEDES,

SO YOU DON'T WANT TO PUT, LIKE,

A GROSS TRUCKER THAT--YOU KNOW,

AND CLEARLY HYGIENE IS NOT THEIR

SPECIALTY--AND HE JUST SHIT,

AND NOW YOU'RE DRAGGING HIM IN

YOUR CAR.

ANYWAY, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE

OPENING SCENE.

[laughter]

IT GOES RIGHT FROM THAT--RIGHT

FROM THAT CUT TO--BY THE WAY,

THIS IS SHOT WITH, LIKE, A

FUCKING FLIP CAMERA, WHICH MAKES

IT EVEN WORSE, BECAUSE YOU FEEL

LIKE YOU'RE WATCHING SOME GUY'S,

LIKE, HOME SNUFF FILM.

OKAY, SO THEN THE NEXT SHOT,

YOU SEE THESE TWO GIRLS, AND

THEY'RE PROBABLY, LIKE, IN THEIR

EARLY 20s.

THEY'RE NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL,

BUT THEY'RE NOT UGLY.

LIKE, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO

DESCRIBE THEM, BUT, LIKE,

THEY'RE, LIKE, BETTER LOOKING

THAN GIRLS THAT WOULD DO, LIKE,

REALLY, LIKE, "TWO GIRLS, ONE

CUP."

BUT, LIKE, BUT THEY SAID YES TO

THIS FILM, LIKE, "WE'RE MOVIE

STARS."

OKAY, SO THERE'S THESE TWO

AVERAGE-LOOKING GIRLS, AND

THEY'RE IN THEIR HOTEL ROOM.

THEY'RE AMERICANS, AND THEY'RE

JUST TRAVELING EUROPE, AND

THEY'RE ON THE PHONE WITH SOME

GUY THAT THEY MET EARLIER, AND

THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, WE'RE GONNA

MEET YOU AT THE PARTY TONIGHT."

BY THE WAY, GIRLS, IF YOU EVER

GO TO EUROPE, AND YOU MEET UP

WITH SOME GUY OR YOU'RE PLANNING

TO MEET UP WITH SOME GUY LATER,

HE'S GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU.

[laughter]

LIKE, THAT'S JUST GONNA HAPPEN.

LIKE, YOU JUST--DON'T LEAVE

AMERICA.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, OH, LIKE

I'M NOT GONNA GET RAPED OR

KILLED IN AMERICA?"

YEAH, YOU PROBABLY WILL HERE,

BUT AT LEAST YOU'LL UNDERSTAND

WHAT YOUR ATTACKER IS SAYING.

[laughter]

LIKE, YOU COULD BE IN GERMANY

GETTING RAPED BY A GUY, AND HE'S

LIKE, "JUST SAY 'UNCLE,' AND

I'LL STOP," BUT YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND, SO YOU'RE LIKE,

"AHH."

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE PUTTING

YOUR HIPS INTO YOUR OWN RAPE.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, SO ANYWAY, SO THEY'RE

OFF TO GO MEET THIS PARTY.

NOW IT'S NIGHTTIME, AND THEY'RE

IMMEDIATELY--THEY DON'T HAVE--

NO ONE UPGRADES TO THE GPS

SYSTEM IN THEIR RENTAL CAR,

AND THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

WOODS ON A DIRT ROAD, AND THEN

BOOM.

"WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT DID WE HIT?"

FLAT TIRE.

JUST THE MOST SEVERE BLOWOUT

EVER.

SO THEY'RE ON THE SIDE OF THE

ROAD--AND THEY STOP IMMEDIATELY,

WHICH...BULLSHIT RIGHT THERE.

[laughter]

A FUCKING WOMAN WILL DRIVE TWO

YEARS ON A FLAT TIRE.

"AHH."

THEY COULD GIVE TWO--ALL OF A

SUDDEN, THESE GIRLS CARE ABOUT

THE FUCKING RENTAL'S RIMS.

AND THERE'S NO TRIPLE A FUCKING

GERMANY COVERAGE, I DON'T THINK.

LIKE, IF YOU HAVE TRIPLE

A-PLUS, I THINK IT STAYS IN

AMERICA.

SO THEY'RE SITTING THERE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?"

THEY ARGUE BACK AND FORTH.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW TO CHANGE A

TIRE?"

OH, IT'S AWFUL.

THEN A CAR PULLS UP NEXT TO

THEM, AND IT'S, LIKE, THIS OLD

GERMAN GUY.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY," AND HE GETS

REALLY CLOSE, SO THEY CAN'T EVEN

OPEN THEIR DOOR, AND HE'S JUST

LIKE, "HEY, YOU WANT TO FUCK?"

AND HE--THIS PART IS SUBTITLED.

HE JUST KEEPS SAYING, LIKE, "I'M

GONNA FUCK BOTH OF YOU."

AND IT'S, LIKE, OVER AND OVER,

AND THEY'RE--THEY'RE LIKE, LIKE,

"WHAT'S HE SAYING?"

THEY WHIP OUT THEIR ENGLISH TO

FUCKING GERMAN DICTIONARY.

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HE SAID

'FUCK.'

ROLL THE WINDOW UP."

LIKE, THAT'S WHAT THEY TOOK FROM

IT.

IMMEDIATELY, THEY'RE LIKE, "ROLL

THE WINDOW UP.

HE SAID 'FUCK.'"

MEANWHILE, THEY SHOULD HAVE

JUMPED IN THAT CAR IF THEY KNEW

WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN TO THEM.

SO THEY'RE LIKE, "OKAY,"

THEY'RE LIKE, "LET'S AGREE TO

GET OUT."

BY THE WAY, COMPLETE NOWHERE,

JUST WOODS, A FOREST AND A DIRT

ROAD, AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WELL,

LET'S JUST GET OUT AND GO LOOK

FOR HELP."

NEXT SCENE, THEY'RE IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE FOREST.

THEY DECIDED, "IF WE'RE GONNA

LOOK FOR HELP, LET'S NOT STAY ON

THE ROAD."

[laughter]

THEY WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

FOREST.

THIS MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL.

SO THEY'RE IN THE FOREST, AND IT

STARTS DOWNPOURING, AND THEY GET

IN A FIGHT.

LIKE, "OH, WE'RE LOST.

I THINK I'VE SEEN THIS TREE."

OH, LIKE, IT'S JUST SO BAD.

THEY FINALLY SEE A HOUSE IN THE

DISTANCE.

THEY RUN TOWARD THE HOUSE.

OH, YEAH.

BY THE WAY, WE'RE ONLY THREE

MINUTES INTO THIS MOVIE.

[laughter]

THEY GET TO THE HOUSE.

THEY KNOCK THE DOOR.

THIS CRAZY-LOOKING, LIKE,

GERMAN...

[grumbling]

JUST IMMEDIATELY AGITATED.

"WHO THE FUCK IS KNOCKING AT MY

DOOR?"

LIKE, HE'S ANGRY, AND IF YOU SEE

THIS FACE, THERE'S NOT A HUMAN

IN THE WORLD--LIKE, FORGET THE

FACT THAT, "OH, I'M SO LIBERAL.

I DON'T RACIALLY PROFILE."

YOU SEE SOMEBODY THAT LOOKS LIKE

THIS, YOU DON'T EVEN, LIKE, "OH,

I GET IT," GONE.

LIKE, THERE'S NOT EVEN A SECOND

WHERE YOU WOULD PROCESS THAT.

ANYWAY, HE'S LIKE, "UH, COME IN.

I'LL CALL FOR YOU.

I'LL CALL."

AND THEN HE'S MAD AT THEM.

HE'S SCREAMING AT THEM.

BY THE WAY, HE HAS GOT A

BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, VERY

CONTEMPORARY, LIKE, SOMETHING

THAT YOU WOULD SEE IN DWELL.

LIKE, "OH."

IT'S MY TASTE.

BUT HE'S GOT A BIG PAINTING UP

OF, LIKE, A FETUS THAT'S, LIKE,

HOOKED TOGETHER WITH ANOTHER

FETUS, AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH,"

LIKE JUST--THE SEED HAS BEEN

PLANTED.

AND HE GOES--HE'S LIKE, "ARE YOU

THIRSTY?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH..."

"I'LL GET YOU WATER."

AND HE GOES AND GETS THEM TWO

GLASSES OF WATER FROM THE TAP,

AND THEN HE PULLS OUT--

AND HE IMMEDIATELY LIKE, "OH,

OH," DRUG, DRUG.

[laughter]

AND HE COMES BACK, AND HE'S

LIKE, "HERE, DRINK YOUR WATER,"

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, OKAY."

HE'S LIKE--AND THEN ONE OF THEM

ACCIDENTALLY SPILLS THE WATER,

AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU DUMB FUCKING

CUNT."

RIGHT, BECAUSE--I DON'T KNOW

WHAT ROOFIES GO FOR, BUT HE'S

LIKE...

[laughter]

SO ANYWAY, THE OTHER ONE IS

LIKE, "I'LL CHUG."

AND THIS GUY'S--AND THEN HE GOES

IN THERE AND FAKE PHONE CALLS,

DOES THE WHOLE, LIKE, "OH,

THERE'S TWO AMERICANS.

THEIR CARS BROKE DOWN.

OH, YOU'LL BE HERE IN 30

MINUTES?

GREAT."

AND--OH, WHATEVER.

SO HE COMES BACK, AND THEN THE

ONE GIRLS IS LIKE, "I-I JUST

FEEL LIKE SLEEPING."

AND SHE'S LIKE--THIS IS THE

GREATEST SCENE.

GET READY FOR IT.

ALL RIGHT, SHE GOES, "OH, I'M

GETTING SLEEPY," AND HER FRIEND

IS LIKE, "WHAT?"

THE ONE THAT DIDN'T DRINK THE

ROOFIE IS LIKE, "WHAT?"

AND HE JUST LOOKS AT HER AND

GOES, "OH, A SIDE EFFECT.

RAPE DRUG."

[laughter]

RIGHT THERE, I'M LIKE, "OH, THIS

IS AWESOME."

HE LITERALLY JUST LOOKS AT THE

OTHER FRIEND AND GOES, "AH, RAPE

DRUG."

WAIT--WELL, HE GOES--HE GOES,

"ROHYPNOL, RAPE DRUG."

SO THE OTHER ONE IS LIKE,

"WHAT?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, WHAT ARE

YOU GONNA DO, HUH?"

[laughter]

LIKE--LIKE, "TWO OF YOU, I WAS

WORRIED, BUT ONE OF YOU SOBER,

I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES."

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW--

HOW DOES HE FUCKING GET--

I'LL REMEMBER IT IN A SECOND,

BUT ANYWAY, NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

HE PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE.

THAT MIGHT NOT BE THE RIGHT

STORY.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

BUT HE BRINGS THEM DOWN.

THE NEXT SHOT, THEY WAKE UP, AND

THEY'RE STRAPPED TO GURNEYS,

THREE OF THEM, THE GUY FROM THE

BEGINNING THAT WAS SHITTING IN

THE WOODS NEXT TO THE TWO GIRLS,

OKAY?

GOOD?

ALL RIGHT, SO THEY WAKE UP, AND

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHERE THE FUCK"--

AND THEY'RE FREAKING OUT, AND HE

COMES WALKING DOWN, AND HE'S--

HE IMMEDIATELY GOES TO THE FIRST

GUY, THE GUY THAT WAS SHITTING,

AND HE GOES, "YOUR LUCKY DAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE A TISSUE MATCH

WITH THESE OTHER TWO GIRLS."

SO HE--LIKE, YOU'RE THINKING,

"OH, HE'S GONNA REALLY"--

HE JUST GIVES HIM A NEEDLE, AND

HE DIES RIGHT THERE, SO HE GETS

RID OF THAT BODY.

BY THE WAY, THEY KEEP FLASHING

TO A GRAVE--OH, THERE'S ANOTHER

STILL IN HIS BEDROOM OF HIS

ROTTWEILERS, ALL THREE OF THEM

SEWN TOGETHER.

RIGHT, AND THERE'S A--AND THEY

KEEP FLASHING TO THE GRAVE SITE

OF HIS DOGS IN HIS YARD, AND IT

KEEPS FLASHING UP UNDERNEATH.

EVERY TIME THEY SHOW IT, LIKE,

"HERE LIKES THREE DOGS."

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY FELT LIKE

THEY HAD TO SUBTITLE IT EACH

TIME THEY SHOT ON IT, BUT--LIKE

YOU FUCKING FORGET THAT.

SO THEY WAKE UP, AND THE ONE

GIRL IS LIKE, "I'VE GOT TO GET

OUT OF HERE."

OH, SO THEY'RE STRAPPED IN, AND

THEN HE GOES OUT, LIKE, WITH HIS

GUN TO GO FIND ANOTHER, YOU

KNOW, SIDE-OF-THE-ROAD SHITTER,

AND HE COMES BACK, OPENS HIS

DOOR, HE'S GOT A YOUNG ASIAN

BOY OVER--NOT BOY.

OH, THAT'S CREEPY, RIGHT.

LIKE, A YOUNG ASIAN GUY,

PROBABLY 20s, AND HE'S GOT HIM

OVER HIS SHOULDER, AND THEY,

LIKE--WHEN HE GETS OUT OF THE

CAR, LIKE, THE DART IS STILL

STICKING OUT OF HIM SO YOU CAN

SEE HOW HE GOT HIM HERE, LIKE

ANYBODY WAS HAVING TROUBLE

PIECING THAT TOGETHER.

[laughter]

LIKE, THEY SELL IT--ANYWAY, SO

HE BRINGS HIM DOWN, AND THEN

HE--NOW HE'S GOT ALL THREE OF

THEM STRAPPED DOWN THERE.

NOW IT'S TIME TO EXPLAIN.

HE DOESN'T HAVE, LIKE, A

POWERPOINT PRESENTATION, EITHER.

HE--THEY ALL WAKE UP, AND HE'S,

LIKE, GONNA EXPLAIN TO HIM WHAT

HE'S GONNA DO.

AND BY--I THINK THEY SHOW SOME

HEADLINE CLIPS OF HIM.

HE WAS THE TOP DOCTOR IN

REMOVING SIAMESE TWINS FROM EACH

OTHER.

THAT WAS HIS SPECIALTY.

HIS SIDE PROJECT YOU'RE FINDING

OUT ABOUT RIGHT NOW IS HIS

DREAM, WHICH HE DID WITH HIS

DOGS, TO MAKE THE HUMAN

CENTIPEDE, SO HE HAS DRAWN THESE

HORRIBLE DRAWINGS OF THREE

PEOPLE, AND HE WANTS TO SEW YOU

ASS-TO-MOUTH, ALL THREE OF YOU,

AND SO THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM GOES

ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

AND IT'S DRAWN LIKE--

LITERALLY LIKE A KINDERGARTNER

WAS LIKE, "OH, THIS IS WHAT IT

WOULD LOOK LIKE."

AND THE ONE GIRL IS LIKE--

THEY'RE LISTENING TO THE

PRESENTATION, AND THE ONE ASIAN

GUY IS LIKE, "I'M GONNA"--HE'S

SPEAKING JAPANESE, AND HE'S

LIKE, "I'M GONNA FUCK"--AND--

I DON'T KNOW, WHATEVER.

HE'S LIKE, "I'M GONNA KILL YOU."

IT'S LIKE, "NO, YOU'RE NOT.

JUST LAY THERE."

LIKE--ALL RIGHT, HE DOESN'T KILL

HIM.

HE JUST LAYS--ANYWAY--

OH, BUT--AND HE'S DESCRIBING

EVERYTHING, LIKE, "I'M GONNA

HAVE TO CUT YOUR--PULL ALL YOUR

TEETH OUT AND YOUR TONGUE," AND

HE'S EXPLAINING THE POSITIONS,

"A," "B," AND "C,"

YOU KNOW, AND LISTEN, EVERYONE

IN HERE IS LIKE, "OHH, 'A.'"

[laughter]

YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T

JUST GET TO BE THE

FIRST-ROUNDER WITHOUT DOING SOME

HARD WORK.

SO ANYWAY, BUT THE ASIAN GUY IS

GONNA, LIKE, KILL HIM.

OH, AND THE--ONE GIRL GETS FREE.

SHE--LIKE, AS HE'S DESCRIBING,

THEY REALIZE, "OH, YOU KNOW

WHAT?

THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO CALL

BULLSHIT ON THIS CRAZY GUY.

WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE

NOW."

SO ONE GIRL WIGGLES HER WAY OUT,

AND SHE STARTS RUNNING, AND SHE

GETS UPSTAIRS, AND SHE GETS TO A

ROOM, AND SHE ENDS UP, LIKE,

OPENING A DOOR, AND THEN, OF

COURSE, HE'S ALREADY

STANDING THERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF

HER, AND LIKE, "AHH," AND THEN

HE, LIKE, COMES THROUGH, AND,

LIKE, HE'S ANGRY THAT HE HAD TO

BREAK HIS WINDOW TO GET HER

AGAIN, AND HE'S LIKE "OH, I

FOUND MY 'B.'"

[laughter]

RIGHT?

THE WORST.

[laughter]

OKAY.

WHICH NOW IS A NEW GAME WE PLAY

IN THE OFFICE, WHERE I POINT AT

THREE PEOPLE, AND I SAY, "PICK

YOUR 'B.'"

[laughter]

OKAY, SO NOW HE GOES DOWN--

YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T REALLY--

THEY SHOW THE OPERATION BUT NOT

AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

LIKE--LIKE, IF YOU'VE SEEN THE

MOVIE, LIKE, HOSTEL AND STUFF

LIKE THAT, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH,

THIS IS JUST THE GROSSEST,

HORRIBLE, LIKE"--THIS MOVIE,

WHICH COULDN'T EVEN GET A RATED

"R," BY THE WAY--THEY STILL

DON'T EVEN SHOW THIS, BUT THEY

SHOW, LIKE, HE HAD TO SLIT THEIR

MOUTH, AND HE--OH, HE CUTS

THEIR--A VEIN IN THEIR KNEE.

HE CUTS SOMETHING IN THEIR KNEE

SO YOU CAN NEVER WALK AGAIN, BUT

YOU CAN CRAWL, OKAY, 'CAUSE HE

WANTS YOU GUYS IN THE ALL-FOUR

POSITION JUST SO THERE'S NOW

RIPPING AND TEARING.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, SO THE NEXT SHOT,

LIKE, YOU SEE THIS BLANKET OVER

WHAT IS FUCKING THREE PEOPLE

ASS-TO-MOUTH.

I KNOW, BUT YOU'RE JUST, LIKE,

SO EXCITED, LIKE, "TAKE THE

BLANKET OFF.

TAKE THE BLANKET OFF."

OH, IT'S LIKE THAT--

LET'S MAKE A DEAL.

LIKE, "YOU WANT BOX ONE OR BOX

TWO?"

IT WAS LIKE, "GIVE ME BOX TWO.

AHH."

ALL RIGHT, SO THEN HE GETS THEM

UP THERE IN THE LIVING ROOM,

AND HE'S--THIS IS, LIKE, THE

FIRST TIME THEY'RE GETTING TO

SEE THEMSELVES, AND HE, LIKE,

HOLDS UP A MIRROR SO THEY CAN

SEE IT, AND THEY'VE GOT, LIKE--

HE SLITS THEIR--TAKES THEIR

TEETH OUT THEIR TONGUE OUT--

THE MIDDLE--THE BACK TWO--SO

THAT HE CAN HAVE THIS--

AND THEN HE SLICES YOU UP AND

THEN SEWS THE--AND HE SLICES THE

TISSUE ON YOUR BUTT SO THAT HE

CAN PERFECTLY SEAL IT TOGETHER.

I KNOW THIS--GUYS, I'M RUINING

THIS MOVIE.

THAT'S WHAT IS MAKING SOME OF

YOU MAD.

[laughter]

OKAY, SO THEY'RE ALL TOGETHER,

AND THE ASIAN GUY IS IN THE ONE

SPOT, WHICH IS GREAT, BECAUSE

THE OTHER TWO ACTORS REALLY

WEREN'T CARRYING THEIR WEIGHT.

AND HONESTLY, EVERYBODY IN THE

HOUSE WAS LIKE, "OH, WE DON'T

GET TO HEAR THEM TALK ANYMORE.

LIKE, THAT'S A PLUS."

SO NOW THEY SEE EACH OTHER.

THEY ALL FREAK OUT.

THEY'RE, LIKE, THEY CAN'T--I

MEAN, THIS IS BAD.

YOU--IMAGINE YOUR WORST

SCENARIO.

THIS WINS.

LIKE, THIS...

AND THE ASIAN GUY GETS MAD

AND BITES THE GUY ON THE ANKLE.

OH, LIKE, NOW HE'S--SO NOW HE'S

ENRAGED THAT HE BIT HIM.

LIKE, HE DREW BLOOD, SO HE

BRINGS THEM OUTSIDE.

BY THE WAY, NEVER ONCE COULD I

FIGURE OUT HOW HE GOT THEM

UPSTAIRS.

YOU'RE SAYING, "IT'S A

CONTEMPORARY HOUSE, AND

MAYBE IT HAS A LIFT."

[laughter]

I THOUGHT OF THAT, BUT THOSE

LIFTS--THE ELEVATORS IN HOUSES,

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'VE LIVED IN THE

SOUTH BAY, YOU KNOW THAT THEY'RE

SMALL.

YOU CAN FIT TWO OR THREE PEOPLE,

CERTAINLY NOT A HUMAN CENTIPEDE

THAT CAN'T BE MOVED AROUND A

LOT, BECAUSE THE SURGERY AND THE

STITCHES ARE STILL FRESH.

SO GETTING THEM UPSTAIRS, YOU

HAVE TO JUST KIND OF BE LIKE,

"OKAY, IT'S THE MAGIC OF

'GERMAN HOLLYWOOD.'"

[laughter]

AND THEY'RE OUTSIDE.

HE'S LITERALLY--AND HE HAS A

RUBBER BOOT ON.

HE'S TELLING THE ASIAN, LIKE,

"BITE MY BOOT NOW.

BITE MY BOOT."

AND HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T WANT--

I'M NO DOG."

LIKE, YOU KNOW, THE ASIAN, VERY

RICH IN CULTURE, LIKE, "I'M NO

DOG."

MEANWHILE, I'D BE LIKE, "ALL

RIGHT, I'LL FUCKING BITE YOUR

BOOT.

THANKS FOR MAKING ME AN 'A.'"

[laughter]

SO--BUT--OKAY, IT'S BEEN A FEW

DAYS, SO THEY'RE--AND HE'S

TEACHING THEM--HE WANTS THEM TO

FETCH.

HE'S, LIKE, HE'S TRYING TO TEACH

THEM TO FETCH NOW.

IT'S CRAZY AWESOME.

BUT THEY HAVE INTEGRITY.

YEAH, THEY'RE A HUMAN CENTIPEDE.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA FETCH.

THEY'RE LIKE, "MM-MM."

THEY'RE HOLDING THEIR GROUND.

BUT THEN HE'S LIKE, "YOU FUCKING

FETCH," AND THEY FINALLY ARE

LIKE, "OH," SO YOU GET TO SEE

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE FINALLY--

BY THE WAY, THEY DON'T SHOW

ANYTHING.

THEY SHOW THE GIRLS' BOOBS BUT

TASTEFULLY.

LIKE, IT'S NOT, LIKE, "OH, IT'S

ONE OF THOSE HORROR MOVIES,

WHERE THEY'RE JUST EXPLOITING

WOMEN."

IT'S NOT.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

AND THERE IS BANDAGING AROUND,

SO YOU DON'T REALLY--YOU SEE

SOME OF THE STITCHES, BUT YOU

DON'T REALLY SEE, LIKE, THE

MOUTH-TO-ASSHOLE.

SO THEY'RE CRAWLING.

THEY START CRAWLING, AND ALL OF

A SUDDEN, IT HAPPENS.

THE ASIAN--AND IT'S SUBTITLED--

HE JUST STARTS GOING, "OH, NO.

OH, NO.

OH, NO."

AND THEN HE TURNS LIKE THIS AND

GOES, "I'M SO SORRY."

[laughter]

"I HAVE TO SHIT."

RIGHT?

SO NUMBER TWO.

MEANWHILE, NUMBER THREE

LAUGHING.

JUST--NO, SHE DIDN'T.

[laughter]

THE "B," SHE'S JUST LIKE, "OH,"

AND THAT SCENE IS TOUGH TO

WATCH.

THAT'S GONNA STAY WITH YOU FOR

A WHILE.

YOU'RE LIKE...

YOU SEE NOTHING, BUT IT'S--

SHE DOES IT IN HER EYES,

LIKE A YOUNG MERYL STREEP.

LIKE, "AWW."

ANYWAY, SO THAT HAPPENS, AND

YOU'RE LIKE, "UGH."

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET TO

IT.

BY THE WAY, THE GIRL IN THE BACK

IS STARTING TO LOOK SICK.

I DON'T KNOW.

HER COLOR IS GOING.

SHE'S LOOKING A LITTLE GREEN.

APPARENTLY, THIS DOCTOR HASN'T

THOUGHT EVERYTHING ALL THE WAY

THROUGH, BUT...

OKAY, THEN TWO--BY THE WAY, TWO

COPS SHOW UP, AND THE CENTIPEDE

IS DOWNSTAIRS.

I ASSUME IT'S SOUNDPROOF,

BECAUSE THEY SCREAM, AND NOBODY

HEARS ANYTHING.

BUT THE COPS SHOW UP, AND

THEY'RE LIKE, "DO YOU--SOME

NEIGHBOR HEARD SOME AMERICAN

GIRLS SCREAMING, AND THERE'S

BEEN REPORTS OF PEOPLE BEING

MISSING," AND HE GOES, "WOULD

YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK?"

[audience groans]

>> RIGHT, SO HE GOES AND GETS

WATER FOR THE COPS, AND HE'S

ROOFIED THEM, AND THEY'RE, LIKE,

ONE OF THEM IS DRINKING.

THE OTHER ONE DOESN'T--ISN'T

THIRSTY, AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU

DISRESPECT MY HOUSE.

DRINK."

MEANWHILE, HE'S BEEN QUESTIONED.

THE WHOLE TIME, HE'S LIKE, "YOU

HAVE NO SEARCH WARRANT.

DRINK."

[laughter]

AND THE COPS, LIKE, CALL--LIKE,

"OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE DON'T.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER,

BUT WE'RE GONNA COME BACK."

AFTER--OH, OH, AFTER HE SEES--

HE HAS A NEEDLE BEHIND HIS BACK

TOO HE'S TRYING TO--BUT THE

POLICE ARE LIKE, "OH."

HE'S LIKE, "OH, IT'S FOR MY

DIABETES."

[laughter]

DID HE SAY "DIABETES"?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT, AND THE

COPS ARE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WE'LL

COME BACK WITH A PROPER--BUT

DON'T FUCKING STICK ME."

ANYWAY, THE COPS, THEY COME BACK

A LITTLE BIT--HE GOES BACK

DOWNSTAIRS.

THE GIRL IN THE BACK IS SICK.

THE COPS COME BACK, AND ONE OF

THEM--THEY BOTH COME BACK, AND

NOW ONE OF THEM HAS BEEN

ROOFIED.

HE STARTS FEELING IT, AND HE'S

GETTING DIZZY AND BLAH, BLAH,

BLAH, AND WHEN THE--LET'S JUST

CALL HIM THE SCIENTIST--THE

DOCTOR.

WHEN THE DOCTOR GOES BACK

DOWNSTAIRS, HUMAN CENTIPEDE IS

GONE.

HE'S LIKE, "I KNOW I LEFT IT

DOWN HERE."

[laughter]

THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOT TO GET ONE

OF THOSE COLLARS THAT LETS YOU

KNOW WHERE YOUR DOG IS, BUT...

IT'S GONE.

WHERE CAN IT FUCKING BE?

BEATS ME, BUT NEXT THING HE

KNOWS, HE'S LIKE, "OH, I CAN'T

FIND HIM.

I CAN'T FIND HIM."

THEY MADE IT UP--A SPIRAL

STAIRCASE, BY THE WAY.

[laughter]

A SPIRAL STAIRCASE.

THEY GET UP THE SPIRAL

STAIRCASE, AND HE'S CHASING

THEM, AND THERE'S BLOOD.

THERE'S--BECAUSE LISTEN, LET'S

BE HONEST.

THE SURGERY IS NOT GOOD, AND

THERE'S BLOOD ALL OVER THE

STAIRCASE, AND FOR SOME

REASON--

OH, I MISSED A SPOT.

HE GOES DOWN--THE HUMAN

CENTIPEDE HID SOMEWHERE, AND

THEY JUST FUCKING SLICE HIS

ACHILLES OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.

AND SO HE'S JUST, "OH!"

LIKE, "BAD HUMAN CENTIPEDE."

[laughter]

AND SO THEN THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

IS LIKE, "AND LET'S--WE'RE OFF."

AND, LIKE, IT'S...

[groaning]

THEY MAKE IT UP THE SPIRAL

STAIRCASE, BLOOD ALL OVER THE

STAIRS.

NOW HE'S HAVING TO CRAWL, BUT HE

STOPS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

STAIRCASE, BECAUSE THERE'S A

POOL OF BLOOD, AND HE JUST

STARTS LICKING THE BLOOD FOR NO

REASON.

LIKE, IT'S JUST A WEIRD--I THINK

IT'S, LIKE, AN ARTSY SCENE.

I...

'CAUSE IT REALLY DIDN'T MAKE

SENSE.

IT'S JUST, LIKE, RANDOMLY, HE'S

JUST LIKE, "AHH."

AND HE GETS UPSTAIRS.

THE COP--ONE OF THE COPS IS JUST

COMPLETELY ROOFIED OUT.

HE JUST SHOOTS--HE HIDES IN THE

POOL AREA.

BY THE WAY, THE GUY HAS AN

INDOOR POOL.

NOW, HERE'S ANOTHER THING THAT

BLEW MY MIND: INDOOR POOL, YET

COMPLETE BASEMENT.

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE A

POOL--YOU COULD--YOU'RE SAYING,

"OH, WELL, THE LAYOUT OF THE

HOUSE COULD HAVE BEEN, LIKE, THE

POOL WAS IN THIS SIDE."

DIDN'T SEEM LIKE THAT.

[laughter]

I MEAN, MAYBE IT'S JUST, LIKE, A

LAP POOL, AND IT'S ONLY 3 FEET

DEEP, POSSIBLY, BUT ANYWAY,

HE'S UP THERE.

THE COP THAT'S ROOFIED SHOOTS

HIM, 'CAUSE HE'S DEAD--SO HE'S

DEAD IN THE POOL.

THE OTHER COP IS NOW TRYING TO

FIND THEM.

HE ALL OF A SUDDEN RUNS INTO THE

MASTER BEDROOM, AND THE HUMAN

CENTIPEDE IS IN THERE.

THEY'VE GOTTEN THAT FAR, AND

THEY ALL JUST, LIKE, LOOK

LIKE, "WE'RE GONNA BE SAVED.

THERE'S A COP."

AND HE'S STANDING THERE, AND THE

COP SAYS--LIKE WHAT MOST PEOPLE

WOULD SAY WHEN YOU SEE THIS,

LIKE, "OHH," AND LEAVES.

LIKE...

LIKE, "SORRY, YOU GUYS ARE

CLEARLY INTO SOME KINKY SHIT.

LIKE..."

SO HE LEAVES, AND HE GOES--OH,

'CAUSE HE LEAVES TOO, BECAUSE HE

HEARS THAT GUNSHOT WITH HIS

PARTNER GETTING KILLED IN THE

POOL.

SO HE RUNS BACK AND WALKS IN THE

POOL.

HE GETS SHOT, BUT RIGHT AS HE

SHOOTS, HE SHOOTS BACK, HITS THE

DOCTOR PERFECTLY BETWEEN THE

EYES, DOCTOR'S DEAD.

OKAY--NO, NOT TRUE.

ALL RIGHT, I MESSED UP.

[laughter]

DOCTOR--"I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

UHH..."

DOCTOR GETS BACK UP INTO THE

ROOM WITH THE CENTIPEDE, AND

HE'S LIKE, "YOU GUYS KEEP IT

QUIET."

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, "I DON'T WANT TO LOSE

YOU."

HE GETS BACK THERE, AND THE

ASIAN IS LIKE, "LISTEN, I'VE HAD

ENOUGH OF THIS."

HE'S SCREAMING IN JAPANESE, BUT

HE JUST DOES NOT--

AND HE'S LIKE, "I'M DONE WITH

THIS," AND HE TOOK A PIECE OF

BROKEN GLASS FROM THE FLOOR,

AND HE'S LIKE--AND YOU THINK

HE'S GONNA SLICE THE DOCTOR

AGAIN, AND HE GOES, "I'M NO

ONE'S DOG.

I'VE LIVED A HORRIBLE LIFE, AND

I'VE DONE BAD THINGS, BUT, YOU

KNOW, I AM OKAY WITH DEATH NOW,"

AND THEN HE JUST--RIGHT IN FRONT

OF THE DOCTOR, HE JUST GOES,

"RAH," AND SLITS HIMSELF,

WHICH IS WHAT I--FIRST OF ALL,

WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IN HOUR

ONE IS JUST FUCKING YANKED AWAY.

WHO...

LIKE, "HEY, SORRY, GIRL THAT

THESE STITCHES ARE HOOKED TO.

I'M OUT OF HERE."

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE.

BUT HE WAS LIKE, "OH, I KNOW

THAT'S SENSITIVE BACK THERE, SO

I'LL BE CONSIDERATE."

[laughter]

SO HE'S DEAD, AND THEN THE

DOCTOR GOES BACK TO THAT POOL,

GETS SHOT BETWEEN THE EYES,

THE DOCTOR, SO NOW HE'S--

YOU DON'T WANT A DEAD "A,"

OKAY?

YOU KNOW, THERE'S JUST A DEAD

"A" IN FRONT OF YOU.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, BUT NO MORE

SHITTING," EXCEPT FOR THAT FINAL

ONE, WHEN YOU...

[laughter]

THAT I'VE HEARD ABOUT.

ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S DEAD.

THEN THE GIRL IN THE BACK IS

LIKE--THEY'RE LIKE, "OH,

EVERYBODY'S DEAD.

THEY'RE GONNA MAKE IT.

THE TWO GIRLS ARE GONNA MAKE

IT."

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO MAKE IT AT

THIS POINT?

RIGHT, SO THE GIRL IN THE BACK

IS LIKE, "OH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH."

SHE DIES.

JUST--SHE'S GREEN.

SHE'S BEEN EATING FUCKING DOUBLE

SHIT FOR...

[laughter]

SO SHE'S DEAD, SO NOW IT'S JUST

TWO DEAD COPS, DEAD DOCTOR,

DEAD "A," DEAD "C" WITH AN ALIVE

"B" IN THE MIDDLE ON ALL FOURS,

TWO DEAD PEOPLE ON BOTH ENDS OF

HER, AND THE CAMERA JUST PANS

OUT AND, LIKE, UP INTO THE SKY,

AND THAT'S THE END OF THE MOVIE.

[laughter]

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