Web Redemption - Three Cheese

Season 8 , Ep 17 Views: 4,357

Daniel goes head-to-head with a chef who's known for his absurdly simple online instructional videos. (8:38)

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- Hi, I'm Chef Mike Neylan.

I'm a Tucson personal chef,

and I'm here to show youhow to make

a three-cheese blend for pizza.

First you startwith shredded mozzarella,

then a shredded provolone,

and then a freshly gratedParmesan.

You mix them all togetherin the bowl.

That's how you make

a three-cheese blendfor your pizza.

- His secret ingredientsare fear

and excessive forehead sweat.

That pasty chef is Mike,

and he just mansplainedthe greatest

of all culinary mysteries:

how to turn three bowlsof cheese into--

wait for it--one bowl of cheese.

Sure, you could buy a bagof pre-blended shredded cheese,

but cutting cornersis what separates a hack

from a two-time personal chef,

whatever the hell that means.

Celebrity chefs are the mostembarrassing kind of celebrity.

If you don't know any,

just Google"failed Vegas restaurants."

Here's the recipefor every cooking show:

take one "Queer Eye,"

three tatted chefsfresh out of rehab

competing for a prizethat will change nobody's life,

add a weird ingredientlike black truffle quail taint,

simmer on low for 26 seasons.

Every chef has the same goal:

to become the nextWolfgang Puck.

The guy's made $400 million

off of starving peopleat airports.

And don't get me startedon Gordon Ramsay.

An Englishmanteaching people how to cook

is like a Frenchmanteaching people how to shower.

Apparently, all you needis a good catchphrase.

Emeril has "Bam!"

Giada has "Bam,"but that's just the sound

of her giant headhitting a cabinet door.

And Paula Deen's is the N word.

I can't even say itbecause she has it trademarked.

But if Chef Mikewants to be a MasterChef,

Iron Chef, or Top Chef Master,

I'll preheat the oven to 350and fly him to LA

for this week's Web Redemption.

- Chefs, you've arrivedat the julienne station.

In your basketsfor the entrée round,

you had two all-beef patties,

special sauce, lettuce, cheese,

pickles, onions,

and a sesame seed bun.

Chef Daniel.

- Did I mentionthat I'm a single father

of an autistic childwith cancer?

- You have mentioned thatseveral times.

- Okay.

I just want to make sureeveryone knows

that I do have a childwho is autistic, with cancer.

I made a Big Mac minus

the middle bread,

for the health-conscious.

- You used cheese slices.

Sargento likes that.

- Two-Time Personal Chef Mike?

- I'm a Tucson personal chef.

And I also made a Big Mac.

- Well, the dogseems to love it.

Chef Boyardee.

- Everybody like-amy Beefaroni.

- Sargento hates it.There's no cheese.

- Is this from a can?

Pregnant womencan't eat canned goods.

- No.Okay, okay, yes.

It's-a from a can.Good, no?

- You used zero basket items,

and you may have deformeda fetus.

Chef Boyardee,you've been julienned.

- Beefaroni, big-a winner.

- Why were you makingthose videos?

- It was for a companycalled eHow.

- What is eHow?

- It's a companythat they have

different professionalsput together these videos...

- Gotcha.

- And they're very specificin what they want.

- Very specific.

I'm not confident enoughto say "moozzarella."

I have to say "mozzarella."

- Do you have any kindof Italian in you?

- None.- No? No.

- And I just feel--I feel silly if I do it.

- Yeah, you could do it,though.

- Chefs are allowedto do it, though.

By the way, you realizedit was ridiculous, right?

- Of course, yeah.

That's how you make

a three-cheese blendfor your pizza.

- You're mixingthree cheeses.

And that's the video.

And then you said,"That's how you do it."

- I know.

- And when you were doing it,

did you realize,"Hey, this seems insane"?

- I actually said it once,and they had to cut.

- They said,"Don't say that"?

- No, they just said,"Just do it."

And I'm like,"Why don't I make a pizza

that has three cheeseson it?"

- Right.- "We don't want that.

We want you to showhow to blend it."

"Like, can I grate it at leastor something?"

- They wouldn't even let yougrate it?

- Mm.

- Who have you beena personal chef for?

- Martha Stewart.- Uh-huh.

- Tommy Hilfiger.- Oh, he's a racist, I hear.

- I don't know.I never met him.

I actually used to cook for themwhen they'd fly on the private.

- Why are there holesin Swiss cheese?

It makes no sense.

- It's the reactionof the way it's processed.

- Huh.

Some of the commentersfrom your video

had some very interestingquestions.

I'd like to read those to you.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude.

"Slow the [bleep] down.

"I'm not Gordon Ramsay,

"you insanely technical genius.

"The bar of this videois way too [bleep] high.

So first things first,what the [bleep] is 'cheese'? "


"I want to makea four-cheese-blend pizza.

"Can you make a videoto show me how?


That's nice.

So what would you do different

for a four-cheese blend?

- Add another Italian cheese.

- Uh-huh, that is goodinformation.

"Not clear.

Burnt down my houseand married a goat."

- Oh, that--

- [laughs]

What does that even mean?

"Just a heads-up, people.

"If you don't getthe quantities right

"for each cheese,this creates

"a highly explosive compound.

"Notice how much the guyis sweating.

He knows what might happen."

- Can I tell youwhy I was sweating?

- Why is that?

- That was the 14th videoI made that day,

and then I had to doall my own prep.

- What other videosdid you make that day?

- The other best one is--

I don't know why thatdidn't get a lot of views--

is how to put the dough

and store itin the refrigerator.

Wrap it tightly in saran wrap

and store in the refrigerator in the coldest part,

on the top shelf.

And that is how you properly store

pizza doughin the refrigerator.

- Oh, no, I watched that one.

That one was pretty stupid.

[bleep], marry, kill?

Pepper jack, Camembert,


- Marry mozzarella,

[bleep] Camembert--

and what's the third?

- I forgot.

You went fartherthan I thought.

- [laughs]

- Well, Mike, if I can't win,

I hope you do.

- I think that's howthis game show works.

- Yeah, it is.

Unless it's a tie.

- Your basketsfor the dessert round

are filled withshredded mozzarella,

shredded provolone,

and freshly grated Parmesan.

- Oh!- I got this.

- Your time starts now.

[dramatic music]

- Wow. Oh.

- Sargento likeswhere this is going.

[pots clattering]

- Can't find my bowl.

Welcome back.

- So nice of Chef Danielto join us again.

- How much time do I have left?

- Chefs, you haveone minute.

- [bleep].

- You don't wantto bruise the cheese.

- Cookie dough, cookie dough.

- It appears Two-TimePersonal Chef Mike

is completely saturatedwith sweat.

- Oh!

- [whistling]

- I've never seen someoneuse a microwave this much.

- Spoons.


- Seven, six,

five, four, three--

- Wait. Wait, wait. Wait.

- Two, one.

- Ha, it worked.

- Time's up.

Chefs, please step back.

- Oh, [bleep].

- Step back, Chef Dan--

Chef Daniel, please--

Step back. Step back!

Thank you.

What do you have for us,Chef Daniel?

- I created a Tosh original.

I went down to Trader Joe's,

got their premadechocolate lava cakes.

They're delicious, okay?

Then I got raw chocolate chip cookie dough.

Now, they say you shouldn't eat raw cookie dough.

That's nonsense.

I've been eating itmy whole life.

I'm fine.

Put a ball of dough on the plate.

Put the cake over top of the dough.

Microwave it for 45 seconds.

Then I stopped off at 7-Eleven'sto get Haagen-Dazs

'cause they don't sell thatat Trader Joe's.

And when you're finished,pass the ice cream over,

'cause I didn't know how muchyou guys would want to eat.

- What have you made for us,Two-Time Personal Chef Mike?

- I'm a Tucson personal chef.

And I madea three-cheese blend.

- Sargento loves it.

- Since Danieldidn't use the basket,

he has been julienned,

which meansTwo-Time Personal Chef Mike

is the winner.

Keep it up, and one day,

you might bea three-time personal chef.

- I'm not saying "two-time."


The third-biggest cityin Arizona by area,

the second-largestby population.


- Tucson personal chef.

That makes more sense.

The guy was saying "Tucson."

"Tucson," not "two-time."

Dumbest redemption yet.