CeWEBrity Profile - Angelo Garcia, He-Man

Season 7 , Ep 16 08/25/2015 Views: 10,342

Daniel casts a former member of Puerto Rican boy band Menudo in his new musical adaptation of "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe." (8:44)

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- ♪ HE-MAN

- [ECHOING] AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I AM ADAM, PRINCE OF ETERNIA

AND DEFENDER OF THE SECRETS OF CASTLE GRAYSKULL.

THIS IS CRINGER, MY FEARLESS FRIEND.

FABULOUS SECRET POWERS WERE REVEALED TO ME

THE DAY I HELD ALOFT MY MAGIC SWORD AND SAID,

"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!"

[CRACKLING]

- ♪ HE-MAN

- "I HAVE THE POWER!"

- AND THE 2016 ARTHUR ASHECOURAGE AWARD GOES TO...

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETHING TELLS ME HE MAY HAVE

A COUPLE SKELETORSIN HIS CLOSET.

THAT'S NOT ELLEN DEGENERESON STEROIDS;

THAT'S ANGELO.

AND, SURE,FLAWLESSLY LIP-SYNCHING

IN A HOMEMADE HE-MAN COSTUMEIS IMPRESSIVE,

BUT IT BARELY SCRATCHESTHE SURFACE

OF WHAT HE HAS TO OFFER.

ANGELO ISA FORMER TEEN HEARTTHROB

WHO WAS IN MENUDO--

THE LATINO BOY BAND,

NOT THE TASTY MEXICAN SOUP

MADE FROM COW STOMACHSAND CILANTRO.

UNLIKE RICKY MARTIN,

HE WASN'T ABLE TO PARLAYHIS TRAUMATIC CHILDHOOD

INTO "LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA"MONEY.

I DON'T HAVEANY REPRESSED MEMORIES

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ALLOWEDSOME THERAPIST

TO DIG THROUGH MY BRAINAND PLANT ANY.

A REPRESSED MEMORYCAN BE TRIGGERED BY ANYTHING--

A SMELL, A TASTE,

AN EPISODE OF "FAT ALBERT."

NOSTALGIA WAS INVENTEDBY BUZZFEED

TO TRICK YOU INTO CLICKING

ON THEIR POORLY WRITTENARTICLES.

I REFUSE TO USETHE WORD "LISTICLES."

AND STOP SAYING YOUR CHILDHOODIS BEING DESTROYED

BY HOLLYWOOD REBOOTS.

IF YOUR FAVORITE MEMORYAS A KID IS A CARTOON,

YOUR PAST ISN'TWORTH REMEMBERING.

BUT ANGELO AND IHAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

WE'RE BOTH '80S KIDSWHO ATTENDED UCF

AND NOW ENTERTAIN THE MASSES

BY SQUEEZING OUR HOT BODSINTO TINY COSTUMES.

THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIMTO WEST HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE I COULDN'T BELIEVEHE DIDN'T LIVE ALREADY,

FOR THIS WEEK'SCE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.

GOD BLESS MA AND PA

AND THAT ADORABLE BRUNETTEIN THE AT&T COMMERCIALS.

AND AS ALWAYS, PLEASE SENDMY FAVORITE MEMBER OF MENUDO,

RICKY MARTIN,TO COME VISIT ME.

IF NOT RICKY,THEN DRACO ROSA,

OR IN A PINCH,I'LL EVEN TAKE ANGELO GARCIA.

A-MENUDO.

[WIND WHISTLINGAND CHIMES TINKLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

ARE YOU A FAIRY?

- WE DON'T REALLY LIKETO USE THAT TERM.

- NO, LIKE, AN ACTUAL FAIRY.

- OH, YEAH!SORRY.

- I HAVE SOME EXTRA PJSIF YOU WANT TO GET IN BED.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

EXPLAIN TO MEWHAT MENUDO IS.

- MENUDO IS A BOY BANDBASED IN PUERTO RICO,

AND WE WERE THE BIGGEST SELLING LATIN BOY BAND

IN THE HISTORY OF MUSIC.

AS SOON AS YOU, LIKE, BEGANPUBERTY AND STARTED GROWING,

LIKE, FACIAL HAIR AND,LIKE, BODY HAIR,

THEY WOULD GIVE THE OLDESTMEMBER A FAREWELL CONCERT,

AND THEY WOULD INTRODUCEA NEW YOUNGER MEMBER.

- A GUY WITH NO HAIR.

WOULD YOU LET YOUR KIDBE IN MENUDO?

- NO.- WHY?

- WHEN I GOT IN MENUDO,

MY CHILDHOOD ENDED,

AND I HAD TO BEGINTHE SCHEDULE OF AN ADULT--

WAKING UP AT 5:00 A.M.

TO DO THE 6:00 A.M.MORNING SHOW.

- YOU WERE ON REGIS.

- ARE THE GIRLSLEAVING YOU ALONE?

- OF COURSE NOT.THEY TAKE CARE OF ME.

THAT'S WHY I LOVE 'EM.

- ARE YOU GAY?- BISEXUAL.

- DID YOU HAVE THESE FEELINGSWHEN YOU WERE 11 IN MENUDO?

- I DID HAVE FEELINGS.

LIKE, I WAS ATTRACTEDTO BOTH SEXES.

HOWEVER, WHEN YOU'RE 11,

YOU DON'T UNDERSTANDWHAT THAT IS.

- OF COURSE NOT.

YOU WERE IN MENUDOWITH RICKY MARTIN.

- MM-HMM.

- WERE YOU SO HAPPY WHEN HE CAME OUT?

- I WAS SO PROUD OF HIM.

- 'CAUSE HE WAITEDA LONG TIME.

- I FEEL THAT HE WASPROTECTING HIS MUSIC CAREER,

AND AT THE TIME, I THINKMELISSA ETHERIDGE WAS OUT

AND K.D. LANG, AND I THINKTHAT WAS IT IN THE--

- K.D. LANG?

YOU DON'T WANT TO COMPARERICKY MARTIN TO K.D. LANG.

- LESBIANISM WASA LOT MORE ACCEPTED.

THE THOUGHT OF TWOWOMEN TOGETHER

IS ACTUALLY APPEALING TO--

- UNLESS IT'S K.D. LANG.

- [LAUGHING]UNLESS IT'S K.D. LANG.

- WHEN'S THE LAST TIMEYOU SPOKE TO RICKY?

- I RAN INTO HIM, AND IT WASTOTALLY SERENDIPITOUS.

I WAS STAYING AT A MUTUALFRIEND OF ALL OF OURS,

AND THEN ALL OF SUDDEN,I HEAR THIS VOICE,

AND I'M LIKE,"THAT'S RICKY."

OR AS WE CALL HIM, GEEGEE.

- GEEGEE?- THAT'S HIS NICKNAME, GEEGEE.

- OH, TO BEON THE INSIDE OF THIS.

- GEEGEE, YEAH.- GEEGEE.

- SO I, LIKE, WOKE UP,AND I OPEN THE DOOR.

AND HE'S STANDING THERE.- HUGE BONER.

JUST A NORMAL BONERIN THE MORNING?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I ACTUALLY DO GET,LIKE, MORNING WOOD.

- OF COURSE.

I'M GONNA NAMEMY BONERS GEEGEE.

[LAUGHTER]

TALK ABOUT SOMEOF THE BAD THINGS

THAT HAVE HAPPENEDTO YOU IN YOUR LIFE.

GO AHEAD.

- LIKE,WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LIKE, FOR REALFOR REAL?

- OKAY, YEAH,GIVE ME SOMETHING REAL.

SO LET'S SEEHOW I HANDLE IT.

- I WAS BULLIEDAS A CHILD.

MY DAD DIED,LIKE, A WEEK--

LIKE, TWO OR THREE DAYSBEFORE CHRISTMAS.

I WAS SEXUALLY MOLESTED FROM...- MULTIPLE TIMES?

- A NEIGHBORWHEN I WAS EIGHT.

IN MENUDO.

WITH SOMEBODYTHAT WAS FRIENDS

WITHIN THE ADMINISTRATION.

AND THEN IT WASA TEACHER.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,ONE OF THOSE ORTHODOX JEWS

WITH THE CURLS WALKS IN,

AND HE STARTSFONDLING HIMSELF.

- EVERYTHING YOU SAYIS A HUGE DOWNER.

YOU SHOULD HAVEYOUR OWN SONGZA STATION.

YOU'VE DONE SO MANY COVERS.

- ♪ IF I LEAVE YOU

♪ TOMORROW

♪ I AIN'T AFRAIDOF NO GHOSTS ♪

♪ LET IT BE

♪ SO CALL ME MAYBE

♪ WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN

♪ HERE ON GILLIGAN'S ISLE

- "DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR,"

THAT'S AN ORIGINAL THAT--YOU WROTE THAT.

- ♪ DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

♪ OH, OH

- IT'S SO, SO SEXUAL.

THERE'S PEOPLE LICKING YOU. IT JUST--

- WELL, I'M A NATURALLY SEXUAL PERSON.

- WELL, I THINK WE ALL ARE.

- AND SO MANY PEOPLEDON'T OWN THAT.

THE REASON WHY WE EXIST ISBECAUSE OUR PARENTS [BLEEP].

YOU KNOW? AND--- WHOA.

DON'T TALK ABOUTMY FAMILY LIKE THAT.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOURHE-MAN, BUT FIRST OF ALL,

YOUR COVER SONG.

- IT'S HAD, LIKE, OVER,LIKE, 10 MILLION VIEWS.

- YEAH, WELL, IT'S'CAUSE IT'S AMAZING.

- OF COURSE, YOU GOT,LIKE, THE HATERS,

LIKE, CALLING YOU, LIKE,[BLEEP]BAG AND, LIKE GAY

AND THIS AND THAT,BUT IT'S, LIKE, HELLO, WELL,

HE-MAN'S LIKE THE GAYEST,LIKE, SUPERHERO EVER.

I'VE GOTTEN PEOPLETHAT ARE LIKE,

"OH, MY CHILDHOOD'SRUINED."

LIKE, STUFF LIKE THAT.

- OH, WELL, WAIT TILL THEYSEE WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

MALE ANNOUNCER: STARRING ANGELO GARCIA.

- I AM ADAM,PRINCE OF ETERNIA

AND DEFENDER OF THE MANYSECRETS OF CASTLE GAYSKULL.

FABULOUS SECRETSWERE REVEALED TO ME

THE DAY I HELD ALOFTMY MAGIC SWORD.

♪ AND LEARNED THERE'SA SEXY, BUFF DUDE ♪

♪ WAITING TO COME OUT

♪ I JUST HAD TO SHOUT

♪ BY THE POWER OF GAYSKULL

♪ I HAVE THE POWER

ANNOUNCER: AND DANIEL TOSH AS SKELETOR.

- ♪ HOW I LONGFOR YESTERYEAR ♪

♪ WHEN I WAS A RIPPED GOD

♪ WITH A SICK BOD

♪ BUT YEARS OF ROIDSAND RECKLESS SEX ♪

♪ HAVE WASTED ME AWAY

HELP ME, BEAST MAN.

ANNOUNCER: DON'T MISS ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE

HOMOEROTIC CHARACTERS FROM ETERNIA.

ALL: ♪ HE-MAN IS A GAY MAN

- ♪ HE'S PERFECT

- ♪ HE'S HAIRLESS

- ♪ HE EVEN HAS A CAT

ALL: ♪ HE-MAN IS A GAY MAN

- ♪ BATTLE CAT, ADVANCE

♪ FISTO, STAY BEHIND ME

- ♪ AS EVER,YOU'VE GOT ME ♪

♪ STOWED DEEPWITHIN YOUR HEINIE ♪

ANNOUNCER: ALL THE INTRIGUE YOU'D EXPECT

FROM SOMETHING LIKE THIS

WITH EVEN MORE GAY UNDERTONES THAN THE ORIGINAL.

- ♪ SOMETIMES I FORGETWHY WE EVEN FIGHT ♪

- ♪ SOMETIMES I THINK OF YOU

♪ WHEN I GO TO BEDAT NIGHT ♪

[APPLAUSE]

- ♪ KNEEL BEFORE ME

♪ AND SURRENDER

- ♪ TAKE OFFYOUR PANTS ♪

♪ YOUR ASSLOOKS TENDER ♪

- ♪ I DON'T HAVE LIPS

♪ OR MUCH OF A FACE

- ♪ I COULD DO WORSE

BOTH: ♪ I WANT TO BE

♪ THE MASTEROF YOUR UNIVERSE ♪

- ♪ WILL YOU TAKETHIS HE-MAN ♪

♪ TO BE YOUR MATE?

- ♪ I DO

ANNOUNCER: FEATURING SPECIAL GUEST RICKY MARTIN

AS ORKO.

- ♪ UN, DOS, TRES

♪ OLE, OLE, OLE

♪ UN, DEUX, TROIS

♪ OLE, OLE, OLE

ANNOUNCER: BOOK YOUR TICKET TODAY.

SPECIAL DISCOUNTS AVAILABLE

FOR U.S. MILITARY AND BIRACIAL BEEFCAKES.

- JUST MORE PROOFTHAT I'M PART

OF HOLLYWOOD'S MASTER PLANTO TURN YOUR CHILDREN

INTO A BUNCH OF QUEERS.

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