February 18, 2014 - We Buy Golf

  • 02/18/2014

A weightlifter learns a lesson in proper gym attire, Daniel comes face-to-face with a live bear, and the owner of a golf store gets a "Mad Men"-style consultation.

YOU HAVE TO RESPECT A GUY WHOGOES FOR SUICIDE STYLE POINTS.

NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASYTO GET INTO HIDDEN VALLEY BUT

ONCE YOU'RE THERE YOU GET ALLOF THE RANCH DRESSING.

THEY DID THE SAME THING INLONE SURVIVOR AND WE CALLED IT

HEROIC.

>> WE ALL KNOW MY CLIFFJUMPING DAYS ARE LONG GONE.

THAT'S A YOUNG MAN'S GAME.

>> WAIT 400 FEET AND DO EMPLOY.

>> THEY SAY YOU NEVER FORGETYOUR FIRST CHILD BUT FOR THE

LIFE OF ME I CAN REMEMBER HISNAME.

CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY WOMENHAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING SO

MUCH HARDER?

JUST ANOTHER CROSS FIT GIRLSPENDING VALENTINES DAY WITH

HER BARBELL.

NOW DO CHIN UPS IN YOUR OVENMITTS.

THIS MUST BE HOW EVERYONE ONTHE LAKERS WORK OUT.

I JOINED A FANCY NEW GYM, VERYFORMAL.

A TIP OF THE HAT TO YOU.

MIGHT YOU KINDLY REMOVE THEPRESENTERS PRATION FROM THE

BARBELL POST HASTE.

>> NEW MONEY.

>> 225.

THIRD-WORLD-STAR.

>> NOW LET'S SEE WHY THEYSHOULD HAVE SETTLED THEIR

DIFFERENCES BY GOING ON MAURYLIKE NORMAL BLACK GENTLEMEN IN

THIS WEEK'S LEE DANIEL'S THEBREAKDOWN.

>> WELCOME TO OAKLAND.

KIDDING.

IT'S AFRICA.

TRIBAL BOXING IS JUST HOW THEYPASS THE TIME AT LUNCH SINCE

THERE'S NO FOOD.

I'M SURPRISED EVERYONE IN THECROWD ISN'T WEARING DENVER

BRONCO SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONT-SHIRTS S SHAKA ZULU.

THAT WILL SAVE A COUPLE MONTHSOFF HIS 42-YEAR LIFE SPANL.

I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T ALLOWEDTO GO BELOW THE BELT FOR

BOXING.

MUST BE CHECKING HIM.

THANKS FOR THE FILTHY WATER.

NOW HE HAS BRAIN DAMAGE ANDMALARIA.

CALM DOWN.

IT'S A DIFFERENT CULTURE.

AFRICA IS LIGHT-YEARS AHEAD OFUS WHEN IT COMES TO MEDICAL

TREATMENT.

MATTER OF FACT THAT'S A SMARTMOVE.

YOU HAVE TO DRAIN THE BLOODAWAY FROM THE BRAIN TO AVOID

CONCUSSION.

ANYONE NOTICE THE GUY RUBBINGHIS HEAD WEARS GLOVES BUT THE

OTHER GUY DOESN'T?

NO WONDER THE AIDS IS DOING SOWELL.

I WOULD LOVE TO BE A FLY ONTHE KID'S FACE WHEN THEY TELL

HIM WHAT HAPPENED.

I'M GLAD THE FIGHT HAD A HAPPYENDING AND FOR THAT WE THANK

YOU.

HERE'S WHY I HATE WHITEPEOPLE.

>> IT'S THE PERFECT TEXTUREFOR RUNNING.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING RUNNING?

>> VERY LOW IMPACT ON THE DRYSNOW SO YOUR FEET DON'T GET

WET.

>> GO AHEAD.

I APPRECIATE YOU TALKING WITHUS.

THANKS.

WE HAVE SEEN A LOT OF PEOPLEOUT HERE LIKE YOU SAID,

RUNNING, SHREDDING, JUSTENJOYING IT.

THAT CAN HAPPEN.

UNFORTUNATELY.

MAKE SURE HE'S OKAY.

YOU OKAY?

YES.

>> IN YOUR FACE.

I BLAME THE MEDIA.

ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE US LOOKLIKE FOOLS.

>> DON'T YOU THINK IT'SDANGEROUS TO HIKE THROUGH THE

WOODS WITH A LARGE HONEY POTESPECIALLY DURING DROUGHT

SEASON WHEN THEY ARE KNOWN TOCOME OUT OF THE SEASON EARLY.

>> I'M NOT A SALMON SO I'MPRETTY SURE I DON'T HAVE

ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, DO I?

>> A BEAR!

>> THAT CAN HAPPEN.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S OKAY.

ARE YOU OKAY?

>> FOR THE RECORD THAT WASLOCAL HONEY.

HELPS MY ALLERGIES.

FARM TO TABLE YOU GUYS.

WE BUY GOLF CLUBS.

MIBLING'S GOLF SHOP. COME OVER

HERE.

WE BUY GOLF CLUBS OVER AT

MIKE'S GOLF SHOP.

COME ON DOWN HERE.

WE BUY GOLF CLUBS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE BUY GOLF CLUBS.

WE BUY GOLF CLUBS.

WE BUY GOLF CLUBS.

WE BUY GOLF CLUBS.

>> THAT BIG TOE IN A BALL CAP

IS MIKE, FROM MIKE'S GOLF

SHOP.

HE WRITES, DIRECTS AND EDITS

HIS OWN ADS.

HE'S THE ORIGINAL LOUIS CK.

COMMERCIAL INFLUENCE BEHAVIOR

WHICH IS WHY THIS COUNTRY IS

NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF FAT

ALCOHOLICS.

EVERY AD IS THE SAME.

DAD A DUMB, KIDS ARE ADORABLE

AND MOM THINKS SHE SAVED THE

DAY BY ADDING A BOX OF

SEASONING TO A POUND OF GROUND

BEEF.

THEY OUGHT TO MAKE COMMERCIALS

IN SLOW-MOTION SO THEY PLAY IN

REGULAR SPEED WHEN I FAST

FORWARD THROUGH THEM.

QUIT MAKING THEM SO WEIRD.

I'M NOT BUYING YOUR BODY WASH

THAT END WITH A SHIRTLESS

KOREAN RIDING A BULLFROG AND

THE ONLY THING I FIND

OFFENSIVE ABOUT THE

INTERRACIAL CHEERIOS IS

THEY'RE HONEY NUT.

PLAIN CHEERIOS ARE FOR PEOPLE.

NO ONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH THE

TWO SAY PEOPLE GOING TO EAT AT

SONIC.

NO MATTER WHAT SNOOKI AND

COLBERT SAY.

BRUCE WILLIS YOU SHOULD BE

ASHAMED AND STEPHEN DORFF YOU

DESERVE TO GET E-CANCER FOR

SELLING THE DUMB ROBOT

CIGARETTES.

DO YOU THINK JASON SUDEIKIS

LIKES BEING THE VOICE OF

APPLEBEES?

UNLIKE THE SELL OUT BOB DYLAN

I CHOOSE TO PRESERVE MY

LEGACY.

THAT'S WHY I KEEP MAKING THE

PROMOS MORE AND MORE

DISGUSTING IN HOPES THAT

COMEDY CENTRAL WILL LET ME

STOP DOING THEM.

THE TRUTH IS ADVERTISERS RULE

THE WORLD.

I'M ALLOWED TO JOKE ABOUT

WOODY ALLEN BANGING HIS

DAUGHTER BUT HEAVEN FORBID IF

I MAKE A JOKE ABOUT DOMINOES

PIZZA.

THAT IS WHY I DECIDED TO FLY

THAT PAWNSHOP PITCH MAN TO

HOLLYWOOD, WHERE WE MAKE

TELEVISION.

WE HAVE THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

DAN DRAPER.

>> I'M MIKE.

NICE TO MEET YOU, DAN.

>> CAN YOU SEE THE OUTLINE OF

MY PENIS IN MY PANTS?

>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.

CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A

CIGARETTE OR WHISKEY.

>> I THINK I'M GOOD FOR NOW.

>> HAVE A SEAT.

>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE.

>> ARE YOU A TENNESSEE FAN?

>> YES.

THE FRONT IS MASHED IN.

DID YOU THINK ABOUT POPPING IT

OUT --.

>> I DIDN'T THINK IT AT ALL.

>> WAS IT ONLY ONE TAKE THE

COMMERCIAL?

>> YES.

>> DID YOU PUT IT ON TV?

>> YES.

GOLF CHANNEL.

>> YES?

>> NEXT TO ROLEX AND CADILLAC.

>> DID YOU EVER THINK YOU

MAYBE NEEDED A PHONE NUMBER?

>> NO.

>> THERE WAS LITTLE TO NO

INFORMATION ON THE COMMERCIAL.

>> DIDN'T NEED ANY

INFORMATION.

HAD ALL THEY NEEDED TO KNOW.

>> WE BUY GOLF CLUBS.

>> IT'S ALL PEOPLE CAN HANDLE,

FOUR WORDS.

>> LITERALLY ALL THEY CAN

HANDLE.

YOU SAID ONE TIME WE BUY

GOLF --.

>> WE BUY GOLF.

THAT'S RIGHT.

>> WAS THAT A MISTAKE?

>> NO. THAT'S TOTALLY PLANNED

AS A RESULT OF THE MARKETING.

TWO YEARS AGO WHEN I HAD THE

BUILDING I'M IN THERE I WRENED

OUT HALF OF IT.

IT USED TO SAY BY BUY GOLF

CLUBS BUT HALF OF THE WINDOWS

NOW BELONG TO SOMEBODY ELSE SO

I HAD TO ADJUST.

WHAT CAN I FIT THERE?

WE BUY GOLF.

HOMED THAT THOUGHT.

>> MISS KELLER COME IN HERE

FOR A MINUTE.

>> HOW CAN I HELP YOU

MR. DRAPER?

WILL THAT BE ALL.

>> CRAWL OUT OF HERE PLEASE.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

>> WERE YOU IS YOUR PRICED

WHEN THE VIDEO BECAME POPULAR?

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID THEY

DIDN'T GET IT.

THAT'S THE MAIN COMMENT.

I DIDN'T GET IT.

>> SELL ME THIS PEN.

>> HOWDY --.

>> NO!

AS A KID I GROUP ON A GOLF

COURSE AND I USED TO HUNT THE

GOLF BALLS ALL WEEKEND LONG

AND THEN SET UP A STAND AND I

WOULD PULL MONEY IN ON THE

WEEKEND.

>> GOOD.

LOOKS REAL NEAT.

>> I HAVE AN AD CAMPAIGN THAT

WILL BLOW YOUR SOX OFF.

WE CALL MY COLLEAGUE ROGER.

THE GOLF CLUB IS FREEDOM.

>> CLOSE YOUR EYES.

NOW OPEN THEM REAL FAST.

THREE THINGS, BEAVER WITHOUT

TEETH IS AN OTTER.

NOBODY HATES RUSSIANS MORE

THAN ME.

THE BEST PICKLE IN A JAR ISN'T

THE BIGGEST ONE AND ISN'T THE

MOST CRUNCHY.

IT'S THE FIRST ONE.

I WAS SITTING BY A LAKE AND I

FELT FREE.

WE DESERVE FREEDOM.

>> ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT

GOLF CLUBS?

>> WE -- BUY -- GOLF -- CLUBS.

>> YOU MIGHT HAVE TO JUMP IN

HERE.

MIKE.

THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR BUSINESS,

THAT YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY

MONEY.

INSTEAD OF JUST BUYING A BUNCH

OF GOLF CLUBS, YOU SHOULD ALSO

SELL THEM.

AND SELL THEM.

THAT'S WHERE ALL OF THE REAL

MONEY IS AT.

SALES.

>> A.M. I PAYING FOR THIS?

>> YES.

>> OKAY.

LET'S MAKE IT, MAKE AN AD.

>> FIRST LET'S FIND THE

SECRETARY.

TRACY?

HEY, GET OFF OF MY TRUCK.

WE BUY AND SELL GOLF CLUBS!

AND I AM SO HORNY FOR GOLF

CLUBS RIGHT NOW.

ADVERTISING WORKS.

BEFORE WE GO IN SHOW BUSINESS

THERE'S ONLY ONE TRUE

AUTHORITY, COMEDIAN ANDY

KINDLER AND ANYONE WHO WANTS

TO SUCCEED TAKES HIS ADVICE AS

GOSPEL.

JAYLEN EE REPEWSED TO LISTEN

AND AFTER 22 YEARS WAS FIRED.

I HOPE JIMMY FALLON PAYS CLOSE

ATTENTION TO OUR NEW SEGMENT,

UNSOLICITED ADVISE FROM ANDY

KINDLER.

>> TRY TO MAKE AN EMOTIONAL

CONNECTION WITH THE PERSON

YOU'RE INTERVIEWING.

YOU'RE NOT A CHEERLEADER.

IT'S GREAT, ALL GREAT.

IT CAN'T ALL BE GREAT.

CAN'T SOMETHING BE LESS GREAT.

AND ACCORDING TO THE INTERNET

IF YOU THROW A POT OF BOILING

WATER IN THE AIR IT FREEZE

BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND.

WHEN THE INTERNET TELLS YOU TO

DO SOMETHING YOU DON'T ASK

QUESTIONS, YOU DO IT.

THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS TEST

EXPERIMENTS ON THE HOMELESS

FIRST.

MY DAD LIKED TO EXPERIMENT ON

ME, TOO.

HURRY UP, I'M FREEZING OUT

HERE, DAD.

WATCH.

IT'S LIKE MAGIC BUT IT'S

SCIENCE.

OH, MY.

>> GOING TO THE LIGHT.

WELL IT'S NOT HEAVEN.

WHAT MY SON DANIEL IS

EXPERIENCING IS A SURGE OF

ELECTRICAL ENERGY.

AS HIS BRAIN RUNS OUT OF

OXYGEN.

>> COMFORTING, DAD.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M MR. SCIENCE GUY JUNIOR.

MIKE WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

I'M FROM CHATTANOOGA TENNESSEE

YOUR HAT ARE YOU A TENNESSEEFAN?

ABSOLUTELY YES

THE FRONT OF IT WAS MASHED IN

DID YOU THINK ABOUT POPPING

THAT OUT BEFORE YOU

DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT

AT ALL JUST THREW THAT

HAT ON AND WENT OUT THERE

AND SHOT THAT COMMERICAL

WAS THAT ONLY ONE TAKE?

THAT WAS ONE TAKE

DID YOU PUT IT ON TV?

OH YEAH

(LAUGH)

GOLF CHANNEL

ON THE GOLF CHANNEL?

NEXT TO ROLEX AND RBS ANDCADILLAC

DID YOU EVER THINK MAYBE I

SHOULD PUT A PHONE NUMBER

AT THE END OF THIS COMMERICAL?

NO I DIDN'T

PEOPLE CAN LOOK UP MY PHONE

IF THEY WANT TO LOOK UP MY PHONE

I MEAN THERE WAS LITTLE

TO NO INFORMATION

ON THE COMMERICAL

DIDN'T NEED ANY INFORMATION

HAD ALL THEY NEEDED TO KNOW

WHAT DO YOU BUY?

WE BUY GOLF CLUBS

YOU SAID ONE TIME

WE BUY GOLF

WE BUY GOLF THAT'S RIGHT

WAS THAT A MISTAKE?

NO

OK

THAT IS TOTALLY PLANNED

AS A RESULT OF THE MARKETING

TWO YEARS AGO WHEN I HAD

THAT WHOLE BUILDING

THAT I AM IN THERE

I RENTED OUT HALF OF IT

USED TO SAY WE BUY GOLF CLUBS

BUT NOW HALF OF THE WINDOWS

BELONG TO SOMEBODY ELSE

SO I HAD TO ADJUST MY MARKETING

WHAT CAN I FIT UP THERE?

I'LL PUT UP THERE

WE BUY GOLF

HOLD THAT THOUGHT

GOTHCA

MS. HELLER COME IN HERE

FOR A MINUTE

HOW CAN I HELP YOU MR. DRAPER?

AHHH

WILL THAT BE ALL?

OH

THAT'S IT

NOW CRAWL OUT OF HERE

I'M SORRY CLOSE THE DOOR

WERE YOU SURPRISED THAT

THE VIDEO BECAME POPULAR?

I WAS SURPRISED TO THE

EXTENT THAT IT BECAME POPULAR

DID YOU READ WHAT PEOPLE

WROTE UNDERNEATH IT?

OH OF COURSE

DID IT MAKE YOU LAUGH?

LOT OF PEOPLE SAID

I DIDN'T GET IT MIKE

(LAUGH)

THAT'S THE MAIN COMMENT

I DIDN'T GET IT

SELL ME THIS PEN

HOWDY THI--

NO

LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE

STORY ABOUT MYSELF

AS A KID I GREW UP

ON A GOLF COARSE

I USED TO HUNT GOLF BALLS

ALL WEEK LONG AND THEN

ON THE WEEKENDS SET UP

MY STAND IN MY BACKYARD

I WOULD PULL TWO TO FOURHUNDRED

DOLLARS A WEEKEND

AS A TWELVE YEAR OLD

STRONG

THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

SAID WHAT AM I DOING?

I WOULD BABYSIT THESE

COUPLE OF GIRLS DOWN THE STREET

AND WHILE I BABY SAT THEM

I WOULD HAVE THEM

GO LOOK FOR GOLF BALLS

AND THEN I REALIZED

PUTTING LITTLE GIRLS AT MYSTAND

INCREASED MY BUSINESS

BY THIRTEEN FOURTEEN

I WAS CLEARING AROUND FIVE

HUNDRED DOLLARS A WEEK

TYCOON

SO I RESPECT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE

IS THAT TIE A CLIP ON?

NO

OH OK

OH GOOD

LOOKS REAL NEAT

DO YOU THINK THE BEST WAY

TO DRIVE A POINT HOME

IS THROUGH REPETITION?

DO YOU THINK THE BEST WAY

TO DRIVE A POINT HOME

IS THROUGH REPETITION?

YES

FOUR WORDS

THAT'S ALL PEOPLE CAN HANDLE

(LAUGHS)

LITTERALLY ALL THEY CAN HANDLE

Loading...