July 9, 2009 - Chris Crocker

  • 07/09/2009

Chris Crocker receives a Web Redemption, and Andy Dick auditions for "Night at the Museum 2."

>> CHRIS.

>> HI.

>> TINA.

>> TEEN WHATEVER.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> SO YOU'RE STRAIGHT?

LISTEN, WE HAVE A GREAT PLACE TO

DO AN INTERVIEW.

I SET IT UP.

I THINK IT WILL MAKE US BOTH

FEEL VERY MUCH AT HOME.

>> IN PRIVATE.

>> VERY PRIVATE.

KIND OF LIKE A SLUMBER PARTY.

>> GIRL'S NIGHT.

>> TELL ME HOW YOUR LIFE CHANGED

AFTER THAT VIDEO.

>> ONE MORNING I GRABBED MY WEB

CAMERA AS I ALWAYS DO WHEN I'M

MAD.

I FILMED IT IN FRONT OF MY

WINDOW WITH THE CURTAINS.

>> AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT

YOU FILMED IT UNDER YOUR

CURTAINS?

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE --

>> WHAT THE -- AM I DOING WITH

THIS -- SHEET?

YOU THINK BRITNEY WANTS TO BE

LEFT ALONE?

>> NO.

>> SO IT WAS JUST IN THE MOMENT?

IT WASN'T FAKE THOUGH?

>> NO, IT WASN'T.

>> DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE --

>> I HAVE LEUKEMIA PUBES.

THERE'S NOTHING THERE.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HEIDI

AND SPENCER?

>> SHE'S A ROLE MODEL OF MINE.

SHE'S THE --

>> MAYBE A LITTLE MORE MASCULINE

OR INTIMIDATING WHEN YOU'RE

TELLING SOMEONE TO LEAVE PEOPLE

ALONE, SWITCH IT UP.

>> LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

>> LIKE THAT?

>> NO.

THAT'S TERRIFYING.

I INVITED OVER A FAMOUS

PAPARAZZO.

FACE YOUR DEMONS.

TALK TO THEM.

THIS PERSON IS FAMOUS FOR NOT

LEAVING BRITNEY ALONE.

COME ON IN.

DANO IS THE ONE THAT TOOK THE

PICTURE WHEN BRITNEY WAS

FREAKING OUT WITH THE UMBRELLA.

>> OKAY.

HE'S THE ONE THAT I EXPOSED WHEN

SHE WAS GOING THROUGH A HARD

TIME.

>> YES.

>> I'M SO EXCITED.

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO

TELL HIM?

>> NOT MUCH I WANT TO TELL HIM

BUT A LOT I WANT TO DO TO HIM.

>> OKAY.

NOT IN MY HAPPY TENT.

DANO, DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO TAKE

ANYMORE PHOTOS OF BRITNEY?

>> NO.

>> LEAVE HER ALONE.

RIGHT NOW.

>> THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> THAT'S OKAY.

THAT'S GOOD FOR MY SHOW.

I NEED THE PUBLICITY.

IT'S BEEN A SLOW START.

OKAY.

NEED TO FIND SOMEONE NEW.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> I BROUGHT YOU SOME WARDROBE.

>> A SHIRT?

>> YEAH.

>> DO YOU MIND PUTTING THAT BACK

ON?

>> I DON'T MIND.

I'M GOING TO NEED THIS.

I'M GOING TO NEED SOME PRIVACY.

>> OKAY.

>> WHY?

>> WELL, THE WORLD WANTS TO

KNOW.

CHRIS, YOU READY TO GIVE ANOTHER

SHOT?

>> LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

PLEASE!

LEAVE HER ALONE.

>> WE KNOW WHO AMERICA NEEDS TO

LEAVE ALONE NOW.

>> LEAVE HER ALONE RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO --

[APPLAUSE]

WE'RE RACIST FOR ASKING THIS.

IN ANY CASE, WATCHING THIS

INSPIRED ME TO MAKE A RESPONSE

VIDEO.

>> YOU'LL NOTICE CORPORATE

CHECKING ACCOUNTS, HAVE A ROTH

IRA, DIVERSIIED STOCK

PORTFOLIOS.

YOU CAN SEE I SET UP A TRUST

FUND FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW.

AND I DON'T WEAR ANY JEWELRY.

I HAVE BEEN AGAINST DIAMONDS

EVER SINCE THE U.N. RESOLUTION

IN 2000.

I DIGRESS.

THIS IS CALLED A COLLEGE DEGREE.

AND THIS IN MY WALLET IS MADE

FROM FOAM LEATHER.

NOTICE I HAVE TWO CREDIT CARDS.

ONE FOR CORPORATE EXPENSES AND

ONE FOR INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL.

BE CAREFUL, TOO MANY CREDIT

CARDS WILL RUIN YOUR CREDIT

SCORE.

I HAVE $47.

THAT'S USED FOR TIPPING.

TIPPING IS SOMETHING YOU DO WHEN

SOMEONE PROVIDES YOU WITH A

SERVICE.

LIKE AT A RESTAURANT OR A HOTEL.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M TOLD THAT

PEOPLE THAT HAVE A LOT OF CHANGE

AND CARRY TONS OF CASH TEND TO

BE THE WORST

>> HELLO, PHOENIX ONLINE

UNIVERSITY CLASS OF '09

GRADUATES.

I WAS HONORED TO DELIVER YOUR

COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

WHEN I LOOK OUT INTO THIS WEB

CAM, I'M REMINDED THAT EVERYBODY

GOT HERE IN THEIR OWN WAY FOR

SOME SAFARI.

FOR OTHERS, FIRE FOX.

FOR A SELECT FEW IMMIGRANTS,

HAND ME DOWN COMMUTERS, IT WAS

NETSCAPE.

ALL WITH ONE GOAL IN MIND.

ALL TO TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU DO

HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE WITHOUT

TELLING THEM FROM WHERE.

I REMEMBER WHEN GRADUATED FROM A

REAL COLLEGE.

IT WAS IN A ROOM WITH REAL

PEOPLE AND MY FAMILY WASN'T

EMBARRASSED.

DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THE DEGREE

YOU PRINTED.

TACK IT UP ON YOUR CUBICAL WALL

AND LOL WHEN PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF

IT.

BEFORE MY COMPUTER CRASHES, I'D

LIKE TO APPLAUD THE 16% OF YOU

THAT MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRE

WALL.

UPDATE THE FACEBOOK STATUS TO

COLLEGE GRADUATE.

NEW SEGMENT CALLED "ASIANS DOING

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IMPRESSIONS."

>> GRAB A FREE WRENCH CHICKEN.

HUNT IT DOWN WITH A KNIFE.

>> KNIFE UNDER THE PILLOW,

WAITING IN THE SHOWER.

>> OH, OH.

>> THAT'S SPOT ON.

GOOD FOR

>> MAYBE NEXT YEAR I'LL DO TRUCK

DRIVING SCHOOL.

ALL RIGHT.

LIVE VIA WEB CHAT, PLEASE

WELCOME ANDY DICK.

ANDY?

>> I GIVE YOU THE 10.

HELLO.

I CAN'T HEAR VERY WELL.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M WELL.

HEY, I HEAR YOU HAVE AN OLD

AUDITION TAPE OF YOURS FROM

"NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2" THAT

WE'RE GOING TO PLAY?

YEAH?

>> NO, NO.

NO.

I SENT SOMETHING CALLED "40

MINUTES WITH ANDY."

DON'T PLAY THE OTHER THING

THAT -- I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT

LEAKED OUT THERE.

>> YOU WALKED IT INTO MY OFFICE.

>> IT'S EMBARRASSING.

I'M LIKE THIS --

>> IT WAS FOR THE ROLE OF

HITLER, WHICH I'M SURE ISN'T IN

THE MOVIE.

HERE'S ANDY DICK'S AUDITION TAPE

FOR "NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2."

>> DO YOU THINK I HAVE -- I CAN

DO THIS PART.

>> IT'S LIKE -- HONESTLY.

OKAY.

ANDY DICK, FOR HITLER IN "NIGHT

AT THE MUSEUM 2."

I ALMOST SAID NIGHT AT THE

JEWSY.

DON'T FILM RIGHT NOW.

I WANT TO SAY INAPPROPRIATE AND

TOO SOON.

TOO SOON WITH THE WHOLE LITTLER

AND THE JEWS.

I LIKE JEWS.

I'M JUST -- MY AGENT IS JEWISH,

MY CLEANING LADY IS JEWISH.

STOP.

I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I'M NOT

GOING TO DO SOME OF THESE LINES

LIKE THIS ONE HERE.

WHAT REASON?

I'LL GIVE YOU SEVEN MILLION.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AND THEN THIS ONE.

WHEN I CAN'T FIND SOMETHING, I

ALWAYS CHECK THE ATTIC.

[BLEEP].

>> WHO IS THE CAPTAIN?

>> DONNA.

>> THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M

DOING HERE.

>> YOU GO AND I'LL GO AFTER YOU.

>> I NEED TWO MINUTES.

>> YEAH.

GOOD LOOKING OUT, BLUE!

[APPLAUSE]

THERE'S ONE VIDEO I HAVE ALWAYS

WANTED TO PUT ON THIS SHOW.

IT'S ONE OF THE INTERNET'S MOST

POPULAR VIDEOS OF ALL TIME.

BUT IT'S VILE CONTENT MAKES

AIRING IT IMPOSSIBLE.

SO LET'S DO THE NEXT BEST THING.

LET'S RECORD THE BIGGEST EVER

REACTION VIDEO TO IT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

STUDIO AUDIENCE, YOU'RE ABOUT TO

MAKE YOUR TELEVISION DEBUT

REACTING TO TWO GIRLS, ONE COP.

[APPLAUSE]

♪♪

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