May 6, 2014 - Banned From Walmart

  • 05/06/2014

Some young rockers try to end their show with a bang, a man banned from Walmart gets a chance to win a hillbilly prize package, and Daniel weighs in on Donald Sterling.

QUICK QUESTION:ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

[cheers and applause]

[rock music]

[cheers and applause]

[guitar banging]

[audience ohs]

NO WONDER THE MUSIC DEPARTMENTIS ALWAYS BANKRUPT.

- [whistles]

- SHH.

- IF YOU WERE PERFORMERS TODAY,WOULD YOU PLEASE STAND UP

SO WE CAN GIVE YOUONE MORE ROUND OF APPLAUSE?

- OH, SHE'S A BIG FAN.

THEY'RE PROBABLY SLEEPINGTOGETHER.

[guitar banging]

[audience ohs]

- WHAT DID THE GUITAR DO?

- "WHAT DID THE GUITAR DO?"

IT'S A BASS, YOU NERD.

LATER HE BIT THE HEADOFF THE CLASS GUINEA PIG,

THEN O.D.'D ON SCENTED MARKERS.

I WOULD NEVER SMASHMY OWN INSTRUMENT.

[gentle guitar music]

- ♪ WHEN THE WORLD

♪ BREAKS DOWN

♪ THE EMPIRE

[guitar banging]

- OH, THANK YOU.

- YEAH, [bleep] THAT GUY.

- ROCK AND ROLL, POPS!

ROCK AND ROLL.

I LEARNED THAT LITTLE MOVEFROM THE HONKY TONK MAN.

ALL RIGHT,MAYBE DON'T TELL YOUR DAD

EXACTLY HOWYOU BONKED YOUR HEAD.

[classical music]

[head thumps]

NOT THE DAYBEFORE HIS BOLSHOI AUDITION!

WHEN YOU'RE DONE PRANCING AROUNDIN YOUR CUPS,

YOU'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

[classical music]

[head thumps]

HURRY UP; YOUR SISTERNEEDS TO GET IN THERE

AND MASTURBATEWITH THE SHOWERHEAD.

THE TRICK TO THATIS TO BE A LITTLE LIGHT

IN THE SIPPY CUPS.

[classical music plays]

[music stops]

AH!

[classical music plays]

[music stops]

AH!

[classical music plays]

AH!

IF I WAS GONNA BE BADAT SOMETHING,

I'M GLAD IT'S THAT.

TO BE FAIR, I HADA VERY DEEP CUT ON MY TOE.

NOW, SOMEONE JUST BROUGHT A GUNTO A PLAQUE FIGHT.

- [speaks foreign language]

- YEAH, AS IF YOU NEEDEDMORE PROOF HE'S A PSYCHO,

HE'S SQUEEZINGFROM THE MIDDLE OF THE TUBE.

[gun cocks]

[chair creaks]

- [grunts]

[panting]

AH!

- AT BEST,ONE OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS

RECOMMEND THIS.

PROBABLY NOT THE SMARTEST THINGTO INCLUDE

IN YOUR APPLICATIONTO VIRGINIA TECH.

BRUSHING'S IMPORTANT,

BUT DO US ALL A FAVORAND DON'T FORGET THE MOUTHWASH.

[buzzing]

[spits]

[gunshot]

THAT'S THE THINGABOUT LISTERINE:

IT BURNS.

- BOX!

[crowd yelling]

- I ASSUME THISIS ALL OVER A LAWNMOWER.

NOW, SHOW YOUR GREEN CARDS

AND COME OUT FLAILINGIN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[applause]

AMATEUR BOXING IS A GREAT WAYTO BLOW OFF STEAM

AFTER A LONG DAY OF LOITERING

OUTSIDEYOUR LOCAL HARDWARE STORE.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK

ABOUT HOW MUCH CHAFINGTHERE'S GONNA BE

AFTER 12 ROUNDSIN A PAIR OF WRANGLERS.

WEARING A SHIRTTHAT SAYS "SPORTS"

IS THE MOST ATHLETIC THINGHE'S EVER DONE.

OH, IT IS RARE TO SEEA CHAMPION

WEAR HIS BELTDURING THE MATCH.

[cheers and applause]

IS HE BOXINGOR LEARNING HOW TO SWIM?

LET'S PRAYTHEIR TILE AND GROUT WORK

IS BETTER THAN THEIR FOOTWORK.

[audience exclaims]

[crowd yelling]

[crowd cheers]

AND HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILYGOES WILD.

IS THERE SUCH A THINGAS A UNTECHNICAL KNOCKOUT?

COME ON.

ENOUGH WITH THE THEATRICS,GLASS JOSE.

JUST GO DOWN ALREADY.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE PRIZEFOR THIS FIGHT IS,

BUT I'M POSITIVE IT WON'T BEREPORTED TO THE GOVERNMENT.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

- WHAT STARTED ASA SIMPLE TRIP TO WALMART

TO GET CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTSFOR HIS FAMILY'S TREE

TURNED INTOTHE BIGGEST NIGHTMARE

OF JOE CANTRELL'S LIFE.

- I WAS HANDCUFFEDAND HUMILIATED

AND EMBARRASSEDIN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

- FOUR MONTHS AGO,HE STARTED AD MATCHING,

BUT LAST WEEK,WHEN A WALMART EMPLOYEE

TOLD HIM IT WASN'T ALLOWED,

JOE COMPLAINED TO MANAGEMENT.

- SO WHEN I LEFT,HE TURNED AROUND

AND CALLEDPINAL COUNTY SHERIFF--

SAID HE FELT INTIMIDATEDAND THREATENED.

- FOUR DAYS LATER,WHEN JOE WENT BACK TO WALMART,

THREE DEPUTIES CUFFED HIM,

GAVE HIM THIS COURT SUMMONS

AND A NOTICE BANNING HIMFROM ANY WALMART IN THE WORLD

FOR LIFE.

- THEY SAW A GROWN MAN CRYLIKE A BABY.

- ATTENTION,300-POUND WALMART SHOPPERS,

THAT PENNY PINCHER IS JOE,

AND WHEN HE TRIEDTO TAKE ADVANTAGE

OF WALMART'SEVERYDAY LOW PRICE GUARANTEE,

THOSE BLUE VEST BULLIESBANNED HIM FOR LIFE.

THE AVERAGE WALMART SHOPPERDIES 15 YEARS EARLY,

SO A LIFETIME BANIS NOT AS LONG AS IT SOUNDS.

WALMART IS THE MOST AMERICANSTORE IN THE WORLD,

WHERE THE MOST PATRIOTIC PEOPLEGO TO BUY STUFF MADE IN CHINA

FOR THE LOW, LOW COSTOF THEIR DIGNITY.

THEY ACTUALLY JUST OPENEDA WALMART IN CHINA

SO THE CHILDREN COULD SEEWHAT THEY MADE.

WALMART IS FORCHURCHGOING FATTIES

THAT LIKE TO MAKEEVERY DOLLAR COUNT

BEFORE THEY BLOW THE RESTON SCRATCH-OFFS.

LOTS OF STORES SELLSCHOOL SUPPLIES,

BUT WALMART IS THE ONLY ONE

WHERE YOU CAN ALSO BUYTHE ASSAULT RIFLE

THAT WILL GIVE YOUR CHILDA FIGHTING CHANCE

TO MAKE IT HOME ALIVE.

IT'S MORE THAN A STORE;

IT'S A HOMELESS SHELTER

WITH A GIANT PARKING LOTFOR CRAIGSLIST TRANSACTIONS.

TARGET IS JUST WALMARTFOR DEMOCRATS.

YOU CAN ACT LIKEYOU'RE A BETTER AMERICAN,

BUT DON'T FORGET,

THEY STEAL CREDIT CARD INFOAND HATE GAYS.

JUST USE AMAZON.

YOU'RE GONNA PAY $5 MOREFOR A TOASTER,

BUT NO ONE WILL THROW UPON YOU.

I PREFER TO SHOP LOCAL.

THERE'S A LITTLE FARMI LIKE TO VISIT

THAT SELLS A SMALL JAROF LEMONADE FOR $10,

AND THAT'S A TERRIBLE DEAL,

BUT IT IS DELICIOUS.

AND YOU CAN'T PRICE MATCH IT

BECAUSE NOWHERE ELSEIN THE WORLD

SELLS FRESH BALSAMIC LEMONADE.

JOE JUST WANTED TO SAVEA COUPLE BUCKS,

SO I FLEW THAT FRUGAL CRYBABYTO L.A.,

WHERE WALMART IS BANNEDFROM OPENING STORES

IN EVEN OUR POORESTNEIGHBORHOODS,

FOR THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

I SEE AN EMPTY SPOTIN CONTESTANTS' ROW.

TODD TODDY, PLEASE TELL ME

YOU HAVE A MANTO FILL THAT HOLE.

- I DO.

JOE,THE GUY WHO JUST GOT BANNED

FROM EVERY WALMARTIN THE WORLD,

COME ON DOWN!

YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT

ON THE COST IS CORRECT.

- YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WALK FAR.

- I KNOW.

- TOSH'S TRAMPS,

SHOW 'EM THE NEXT ITEMUP FOR BID.

- FROM THE SKILLED MINERSAT ZALES,

THIS 1/10 CARAT BAGUETTE-CUTPROMISE RING

IS PART OFTHE MISTRESS COLLECTION

AND FEATURES A STUNNING10-KARAT WHITE GOLD BAND.

- ALL RIGHT, JOE,WHAT'S YOUR BID?

- $99.

- HOW YOU FEELING TODAY,BUDDY?

- I HAVE DIARRHEA.

- SICK KIDS LOVE WATCHING THE COST IS CORRECT

WHEN THEY STAY HOMEFROM SCHOOL.

IT'S NICE TO HAVE ONE OF YOUHERE IN PERSON.

WHAT'S YOUR BID?

- THIS MANY.

- WHAT?WHAT IS THAT?

YOU GOT A--WHAT IS THAT, A 6?

620?- YEAH.

- 400 AFGHAN AFGHANISAND A GOAT.

- OKAY, DO WE HAVEA GOAT EMOTICON?

ding!

OKAY, WE DO.

WE ALWAYS LOVE HAVING THE TROOPSON THE SHOW.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

- DEATH TO AMERICA.

- I WOULD VENTURE TO SAY$1.45 MILLION.

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF WE HAVEENOUGH SPACE FOR THAT.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD ENOUGH.

ACTUAL RETAIL PRICE,$640.

HAYDEN IS OUR WINNER.

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

KAY SELLS THAT RING FOR $99.

DON'T YOU PRICE MATCH?

- I HAVE NO IDEA.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GOTO TODD TODDY.

TODD, DO WE PRICE MATCH?

- YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSEDTO THROW TO ME NOW.

IT'S TODD TODDY TIME.

KEEP GOING.

- ALL RIGHT, I GUESS YOU WIN,JOE.

- ALL RIGHT, AWESOME.

SORRY, KID.

- [shrieking]

- YES!

- ALL RIGHT, HEY.

AND FOR GUESSINGTHE EXACT VALUE,

YOU GET TO REACHINTO THE $100 POCKET.

GET IN THERE.

- THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE.

- REALLY, REALLY ROOT AROUNDIN THERE.

THERE YOU GO.CHOKE UP ON IT.

OKAY.

OH, I'M SORRY.HERE IT IS.

- [sighs]

- JOE,HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

[crowd shouting]

- I'M DOING GREAT.

- OKAY, GREAT.

HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKEA YEAR?

- NOT ENOUGH.

- TELL US EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENEDTHAT DAY.

- I WAS IN THERE,

JUST TRYING TO PAYFOR MY MERCHANDISE.

THE CASHIERBEHIND MY CASHIER SAYS,

"NO, DON'T AD MATCH ANYTHINGFOR THIS GUY."

- DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE PROOF?

- MOST OF THE TIME,THEY JUST TAKE YOUR WORD ON IT,

UH, BECAUSE THEY DON'T DOTHEIR JOB.

- SO HAVE YOU EVERTAKEN ADVANTAGE OF THEM

BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK IT UP?

- NO.

- OH, SO YOU'RE AN HONEST MAN.

- NO. NO.

- YOU'RE AN HONEST MAN.

- I'M AN HONEST MAN, YES.

- YES.- YES.

- SEE WHY I ASKED IT TWICE?

YOU USED TO BEA PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER?

- YEAH.

- THAT'S PRETTY INTERESTING.

- YEAH, UNTIL I GOT HIT

IN THE BACK OF THE HEADWITH A STEEL CHAIR.

- WHAT WAS THE WORST INJURYYOU EVER HAD?

- RUPTURED MY LOWER SPINE.

- UGH.- YEAH.

- YOU SAID YOU GO TO WALMARTTWICE A DAY.

WHY TWICE IN ONE DAY?

- WELL, YOU KNOW,THE GRANNY NEEDS SOMETHING,

AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO HELP HERPUT HER BAGS IN THE VEHICLE.

- WHY DOES THE GRANNY NEED TO GOEVERY DAY?

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS BUYA LITTLE BIT MORE IN BULK?

- WELL, SHE ONLY HASONE SMALL FRIDGE.

- I'M GONNA BE HONESTWITH YOU, JOE.

SOLID ANSWERS.

EVERY QUESTION THAT I HAD,THAT'S A SOLID ANSWER.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

SO THEY BANNED YOU FOR LIFE.

SEEMS A BIT EXCESSIVE.

- YEAH, THEY BANNED ME

FROM EVERY SINGLE ONEIN THE WORLD.

- HAS THAT AFFECTEDYOUR TRAVEL PLANS?

- UH, NOT REALLY.

- WHERE DO YOU SHOP THESE DAYS?

- I HITCH A RIDE TO KMART.

- YOU EVER BEEN INTO A TARGET?

- UH, PSSH.I DON'T LIKE TARGET.

- WHOA.

TARGET HAS THE BEST BATHROOMS

OUT OF ALLTHE BIG-BOX STORES.

I BET YOU MAKE A MESSON THE TOILET.

- SOMETIMES,I'LL TELL YOU, THAT...

[sighs]IT'S A DISASTER.

- ALL RIGHT, JOE,THERE'S NO TIME LEFT

TO PLAY THAT GAME WHERE WEMIX UP THE PRICE OF SOMETHING,

SO WE'RE PUTTING YOU RIGHT INTOTHE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN.

IS THAT LEGAL?WE DON'T CARE.

WELCOME TOTHE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN.

YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

WHOEVER BIDS CLOSESTTO THEIR SHOWCASE

WITHOUT GOING OVERTHEIR SHOWCASE

WINS THEIR SHOWCASE.

WITHIN $250 OF YOUR SHOWCASE,

YOU WIN BOTH SHOWCASES.

LET'S SEE OUR FIRST SHOWCASE.

SHOWCASE.

- THE PRIZESIN THE FIRST SHOWCASE

ARE ALL THINGSMILEY CYRUS' DAD WOULD LOVE,

AND NOTHING SAYSCOMPLETE LACK OF CLASS

LIKE WALL-TO-WALL CARPETINGBY TRAFFIC MASTER.

YOU LIBERAL JEWS CAN HAVEYOUR HARDWOOD FLOORS

AND POLISHED CONCRETE.

A TRUE HILLBILLYONLY TREATS HIS FEET

TO SHAG CARPETIN HIDEOUS BEIGE.

AND WHAT ENTERPRISING YOKELWOULDN'T LOVE

HIS VERY OWNBRAND-NEW WALMART?

RUN EVERY LOCAL BUSINESSOUT OF BUSINESS

WITH THE ONLY STORETHAT SELLS GROCERIES

AND A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER CRAP

AT IRRESPONSIBLY LOW PRICES.

AND WHEN YOU OWNYOUR OWN FRANCHISE,

NOBODY CAN BAN YOU.

- JOE, SINCE YOU'RE A MAN,

YOU GET TO GO FIRST.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BIDON YOUR SHOWCASE

OR PASS YOUR SHOWCASE ONTO MEGA TITS?

- I'LL BID...

$1.

[crowd booing]

- I THINK THERE MIGHT BEA GIANT FLAW

IN YOUR STRATEGY.

- I DON'T NEED TO SEEMY SHOWCASE, DANIEL.

I BID $2.

- CONGRATULATIONS.

HONKERSAURUSWINS THE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN.

THAT IS THE WORST BIDIN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW.

YOU ARE BANNED FROM THE COST IS CORRECT FOR LIFE.

- [sobbing]

- I'M DANIEL TOSHREMINDING YOU,

PLEASE DON'T GET YOUR CHILDCIRCUMCISED.

THEY LOSE 30% OF THE FEELING.

AND ALWAYS KILL SNAKESWHEN YOU SEE THEM.

THERE IS NO DOWNSIDE.

AFTER WATCHING THAT,

HOW EXCITED ARE YOUABOUT ME GOING GRAY?

[dramatic music]

- OH, WE GOT TROUBLE!

RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY.

THAT'S TROUBLEWITH A CAPITAL T,

THAT RHYMES WITH P,THAT STANDS FOR POOL.

OH, WE GOT TROUBLE, TROUBLE,TROUBLE, TROUBLE.

ALL RIGHT,LET'S KNOCK THIS OFF.

YOU IDIOTS ON THE INTERNETLOVE TRICK SHOT VIDEOS,

BUT ONE SPORTHAS BEEN VIRTUALLY IGNORED

IN THE TRICK SHOT UNIVERSE,

UNTIL NOW.

FOR THIS PITCH,

I'LL BE DOING A 1 1/4 GRIP

BEHIND THE BACK.

[dramatic music]

clink!- OW!

OH, [bleep] THIS.I QUIT!

- FOR THIS ONE,

I'LL BE BLINDFOLDEDWHILE SPINNING AROUND,

USING A REVERSE 3/4 GRIP.

THANK YOU.

[glass shatters]

- WHAT THE [bleep]?

YOU JUST HIT MY CAR.

- THE WIND GOT IT.

WIND GOT IT.

MY NEW LOVELY ASSISTANTJERI LYNN

WILL LOB ONE SHOE TO MEAND ONE IN THE AIR.

I WILL CATCH ITAND THEN HOOK IT.

THIS ONE'S CALLED"SCISSORING IN THE PIT."

- OW!

- I WILL RING ALL SIX SHOESAT ONE TIME.

- UH-UH.OH, HELL, NAH.

MM-MM.

- I WILL NOW RING ALL SIX SHOESAT ONCE.

[dramatic music]

- [bleep].

- LOOKS LIKEI'M OUT OF ASSISTANTS.

THANKS FOR WATCHINGMY HORSESHOE TRICK SHOT VIDEO.

- OW!

- SEND IN YOUR OWNHORSESHOE TRICK SHOT VIDEOS.

WE WON'T PLAY THEM ON THE AIR,

BUT I'LL WATCH THEMWITH MY HOUSEGUESTS.

AND FINALLY,WE CAN ALL AGREE

THAT DONALD STERLINGIS A DISGUSTING BIGOT,

AND HE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED.

GO AHEAD.

LET YOUR VOICES BE HEARD!

LET YOUR VOICES BE HEARD.

BUT...

LET'S NOT TURNA COMPLETE BLIND EYE

TO THE FACT THATTHERE'S ANOTHER HORRIBLE PERSON

IN THIS SITUATION:

HIS 30-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLDGOLD-DIGGING MISTRESS.

SHE'S GETTING OFF PRETTY EASYIF YOU ASK ME.

YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T BANGA MARRIED 80-YEAR-OLD RACIST

FOR FOUR YEARS?

A GOOD PERSON.

IT'S GETTING TO WHEREYOU CAN'T TRUST A LADY ANYMORE.

WHY IS EVERYONEALWAYS SECRETLY RECORDING

THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE?

MY GIRLFRIEND CAN FEEL FREE

TO LEAK OUR PRIVATECONVERSATIONS ANYTIME.

I'M AN OPEN BOOK.

THANK GOODNESSSHE DIDN'T FILM THAT

BECAUSE I WAS SAYING ALL THATIN BLACKFACE.

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