August 25, 2010 - "American Idol" Girls

  • 08/25/2010

Daniel visits an anti-gay conference in Uganda, and the "American Idol" Girls get a Web Redemption.

[LAUGHTER]

NOBODY PUTS THESE BABIES IN A

CORNER.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I DON'T SEE NOTHIN' WRONG WITH A

LITTLE BUMP AND GRIND.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, ACTUALLY, I DO.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

OH, THAT IS HOW YOU GET

FULL-BLOWN COOTIES.

[LAUGHTER]

DOES TROJAN MAKE MINI-MAGNUMS?

[LAUGHTER]

PUERTO RICO'S SADIE HAWKINS

DANCE IS INTENSE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS ONE DIRTY PRINCESS.

[LAUGHTER]

I THOUGHT STEP UP 3D WAS GONNA

SUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

WHO'S CHAPERONING THIS DANCE,

DINA LOHAN?

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS A B.E.T. SPIN-OFF,

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL MUSICAL.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S GETTING

PLAY DATE-RAPED.

[LAUGHTER]

LATER IN THAT VIDEO, HE GIVES

HER A HOT LUNCHABLE.

WHATEVER.

YOU'RE ALL ON A LIST FOR HAVING

SEEN THAT VIDEO NOW.

YOU LCCE APPLES-DEMO

HOW DO YCC LIKE THEM APPLES-DEMO

OH, TCCT DUDE IS APPLE-JACKED-DEMO

HE'S BCCN JUICIN'-DEMO

THAT'S HCC YOU WORK OUT YOUR-DEMO

CORE-DEMO

[LAUGHTER-DEMO

HE SCCULD STOP WORKING OUT AND-DEMO

GET TCCT MOLE CHECKED-DEMO

[LAUGHTER-DEMO

IT CCC BE DANGEROUS-DEMO

IT'S PCCTTY IMPRESSIVE-DEMO

I CCC ONLY IMAGINE WHAT THESE-DEMO

GUNS CCCLD DO-DEMO

[KISSING-DEMO

[SQUEAKING-DEMO

[POPPING-DEMO

[AUDIENCE OCC-DEMO

[LAUGHTER-DEMO

WHEN YCC HAVE 11 1/4 INCH-DEMO

AMERICAN ICCL IS NOT ABOUT THE-DEMO

MUSIC-DEMO

IT'S OCCY AROUND TO REMIND-DEMO

PEOPLE TO DCCNK COKE AND DRIVE-DEMO

FORDS-DEMO

I LCCE WATCHING, BUT NOT FOUR-DEMO

HOURS A WCCK-DEMO

IT HCC TO BE DVR'D-DEMO

THAT WCC I CAN JUST FAST-FORWAR-DEMO

THROUGH ECCRYONE AND GET TO-DEMO

SIMON MCCING KIDS CRY-DEMO

THE SCCGING'S EVEN DULL AT-DEMO

THREE-TIMES SCCED-DEMO

WHAT'S GCCNA HAPPEN TO IDOL NOW-DEMO

THAT SCCVEN TYLER IS THE NEW-DEMO

SIMON-DEMO

IT'S GCCNA SUCK-DEMO

SIMON IS TCC ONLY MAN ON-DEMO

TELEVISION WCC CAN SUCCESSFULLY-DEMO

WEAR A DCCPER "V" THAN ME-DEMO

AT LCCST HE KNEW WHEN TO QUIT-DEMO

KARA LCCUARDIA AIRPORT GOT-DEMO

FIRED, SO I ACCUME SHE WILL JUS-DEMO

GO BCCK TO HER HOSTESS JOB AT-DEMO

CHILI'S-DEMO

[LAUGHTER-DEMO

AND WCCSE BRILLIANT IDEA WAS IT-DEMO

TO BCCNG ELLEN IN AS A JUDGE-DEMO

>> A MAN'S ANUS IS LICKED LIKE

THIS, AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS,

EVEN POO-POO COMES OUT.

THE OTHER POO-POOS OUT, HUH?

AND THEN THEY EAT THE POO-POO.

>> THAT WAS FROM AN ANTI-GAY

PRESS CONFERENCE IN UGANDA.

APPARENTLY, THEY ARE LESS

TOLERANT OVER THERE, BUT FEAR

NOT, MY GAY BROTHERS.

WHENEVER THERE IS AN INJUSTICE

AGAINST OUR COMMUNITY, YOU CAN

GUARANTEE I WILL BE THERE TO ASK

THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.

>> I'VE TAKEN TIME TO DO A

LITTLE RESEARCH, TO KNOW WHAT

HOMOSEXUALS DO IN THE PRIVACY OF

THEIR BEDROOM.

>> SHOT IN THE DARK.

THEY WERE HUMPING EACH OTHER?

>> ONE OF THE THING THEY DO IS

CALLED ANAL "LEAKING," WHERE A

MAN'S ANUS IS "LEAKED."

>> OH, ANAL LICKING.

FOR A SECOND THERE, I THOUGHT

YOU SAID "ANAL LEAKING."

YOU HAVE TO ENUNCIATE.

>> LIKE THIS BY THE OTHER

PERSON.

LIKE ICE CREAM.

>> THANKS.

GUESS I'LL FINISH THIS LATER.

>> AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS, EVEN

POO-POO COMES OUT.

THE OTHER POO-POOS OUT, HUH?

AND THEN THEY EAT THE POO-POO.

>> THEY DO WHAT?

>> THEY EAT THE POO-POO.

>> I'M SORRY, ONCE AGAIN?

>> THEY EAT THE POO-POO.

>> IT MUST BE WHERE I'M SITTING,

BUT I CANNOT HEAR YOU.

WHAT DID YOU SAY ONE LAST TIME?

>> THEY EAT THE POO-POO.

>> I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.

>> THE OTHER ONE THEY DO IS THEY

HAVE A SEX PRACTICE CALLED

FISTING, WHERE THEY INSERT THEIR

HAND INTO THE OTHER MAN'S HAND,

AND IT GOES ALL -- INTO THE ANUS

ALL THE WAY.

>> COMMON MISCONCEPTION.

YOU GO IN LIKE THIS, THEN YOU

MAKE THE FIST.

YOU DON'T JUST START PUNCHING

SOMEONE IN THE BUTTHOLE.

>> AND IT IS SO PAINFUL, THEY

HAVE TO TAKE DRUGS.

>> YOU JUST DESCRIBED EVERY

SATURDAY NIGHT FOR THE PAST 16

YEARS FOR ME.

>> NOW, IF WE HAVE ANY CHILDREN,

PLEASE STEP OUT.

>> WAIT.

NOW THE CHILDREN HAVE TO LEAVE?

>> SO I'VE DONE RESEARCH.

THIS IS WHAT THEY DO.

NUMBER ONE, YOU CAN SEE A MAN

HERE, HAVING THE -- SUCK THE

OTHER PERSON'S RECTUM, AND THE

OTHER PERSON IS POO-POOING, AND

THIS ONE IS EATING THE POO-POO

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

>> ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE THIS

SOUND BAD?

BECAUSE IT SOUNDS GREAT.

>> WE DO NOT WANT THIS SICKNESS.

THIS IS SICK, AND IT'S,

THEREFORE, DEVIANT.

WE DO NOT WANT IT.

>> DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE

TRIED IT.

OH.

TWITTER, SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT

DURING THE SHOWS.

FINALLY, THE BEST PART ABOUT

HAVING A JOB IS TALKING ABOUT

YOUR CO-WORKERS BEHIND THEIR

BACKS.

THAT'S WHY I HAD MY FANS TWEET

ME ALL THEIR OFFICE GOSSIP IN A

NEW SEGMENT CALLED "TWISPERS."

RYAN WRITES, UH, "GIRL AT

CORPORATE LIKES TO MEET AND BANG

FIELD MANAGERS AT REGIONAL

MEETINGS."

THAT HAD A LOT OF OFFICE JARGON

IN IT.

IT HAS TO BE REAL.

>> DEVIN SAYS THE GIRL IN THE

CUBICAL ACROSS FROM MEADOWSN'T

KNOW HER SNATCH SHOWS TWICE A

WEEK.

WHAT SHE DON'T KNOW WON'T HURD

HER.

OUR OFFICE SKANK JUST --

THAT MUST BE A MISTAKE, BECAUSE

THE WORST-SMELLING TACO AT

PONCHERO'S STILL SMELLS

DELICIOUS.

ROB HAS BEEN LICKING THE TOPS OF

SO DAY CANS IN THE FRIDGE AT

TRADER PUBLISHING.

GOT YOU KNOW, BASTARD.

HE GOT YOU, ROB.

>> AND THIS GUY IS BLACK, OF

COURSE.

HE OWES $10,000 IN CHILD

I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I'VE SEEN A

LOT OF GROSS STUFF ON THE SHOW,

BUT NOTHING IS QUITE AS

DISTURBING AS THIS NEXT VIDEO.

YEAH.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

SHOW ME A VIDEO WITH A SWORD,

AND I AM IN.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SLICE THIS

VIDEO OPEN IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[APPLAUSE]

FIRST, LET ME POINT OUT, THIS

PLACE IS A [BLEEP]HOLE.

WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SPRAY A

LITTLE FEBREZE?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE GOOD

OLD DAYS WHEN A SWORD FIGHT

AMONGST FRIENDS JUST INVOLVED

SLAPPING EACH OTHER WITH YOUR

MEAT IN THE WOODS?

NOW, REMEMBER, NEVER BE THE

VOLUNTEER.

ALWAYS BE THE GUY WITH THE

SWORD.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHY IS HE WEARING ALL WHITE?

DID HE JUST COME FROM THE

QUARTERFINALS OF WIMBLEDON?

AT LEAST IT'S BEFORE LABOR DAY.

IT'S A BAD SIGN THAT NO ONE HERE

IS ASIAN.

BUT AS LONG AS HE HOLDS THAT CAN

STEADY, NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY

GO WRONG.

>> OH!

OH, YOU GOT MY WRIST!

[AUDIENCE OHS]

>> HE MIGHT HAVE NICKED HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

HOPE THAT'S NOT HIS WHACK-OFF

HAND.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M AMBIDEXTROUS.

OH, THAT IS A GUSHER.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S DONATING A QUART

OF BLOOD TO THAT FLOOR.

THEY ARE DEFINITELY GONNA LOSE

THEIR SECURITY DEPOSIT.

DOES ANYONE HAVE STAIN STICK?

>> HOLY [BLEEP]!

>> YEAH.

NO, A DIRTY RAG SHOULD HEAL

THIS.

THANKS, NOSTRADAMUS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I'M RYAN SEACREST,

AND WELCOME TO THE RC COLA ROOM.

YOU GUYS LIKE RC?

IT'S THE BEST.

>> MM-HMM.

MM-HMM, DRINK, DRINK.

IT'S GOOD.

MMM!

ROHYPNOL.

HOW QUICKLY DID THAT VIDEO

BECOME POPULAR?

>> PRETTY QUICK.

'CAUSE, LIKE, THE FIRST DAY

I PUT IT ON,

IT WAS UP TO, LIKE, 1,000 VIEWS

IN, LIKE, 10 MINUTES.

>> WHO--ARE YOU STILL FRIENDS

WITH ALL THOSE GIRLS?

>> YEP.

>> YEAH, MOST OF THEM.

>> ARE THEY MAD THAT WE ONLY

BROUGHT THREE OF YOU OUT HERE

AND NOT ALL OF YOU?

>> [laughs]

>> YES.

>> HOW MANY MORE WERE THERE?

>> FOUR.

>> UH--YEAH.

>> THERE WAS FOUR MORE GIRLS?

>> YEAH.

>> LET'S BE HONEST.

SOME OF THOSE GIRLS WERE JUST

LOOKING AT YOU GUYS REACTING

DURING IT AND NOT REALLY UPSET.

[laughter]

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> NAME SOMETHING THAT GOT YOU

MORE UPSET

THAN DAVID ARCHULETA LOSING.

>> UM...

>> FOR ME, IT WAS 9/11.

>> OH, WE--

>> YEAH.

[laughter]

>> AND MY RABBIT DIED.

THAT WAS SAD TOO.

I GUESS IT MADE ME UPSET.

WHAT KIND--

ALL RIGHT, NAME SOMETHING THAT

GOT YOU MORE UPSET THAN YOU WERE

THAT NIGHT.

>> I DON'T--

WITH A FIGHT

WITH MY BROTHER.

>> WHEN THE PEN--WHEN THE--

>> WHAT WERE YOU GONNA TALK

ABOUT, A PENGUIN?

>> NO, I WAS GONNA SAY

WHEN THE PENGUINS,

THE PITTSBURGH PENGUINS,

LOST THE STANLEY CUP, BUT--

>> BUT YOU DON'T REALLY CARE

ABOUT THAT, DO YOU?

>> NO.

>> FOR TWO REASONS.

YOU'RE A GIRL,

AND YOU'RE AN AMERICAN.

[laughter]

THAT'S FOR CANADIAN DRUNK MEN.

THAT'S MY THEORY.

WHY WERE YOU FILMING THIS

TO BEGIN WITH?

>> WELL, WE THOUGHT ABOUT

THE CAMERA.

>> YEAH.

WE FIGURED THAT HE WOULD WIN,

AND THEN WE WANTED TO SEE

OUR REACTION WHEN HE WON,

BUT HE LOST,

AND THEN YEAH.

AND WE COMPLETELY FORGOT

IT WAS ON.

>> HOW MANY HOURS

DID YOU GUYS CRY?

>> OH...

>> WELL, MY MOM--I DON'T RECALL

THIS, BUT MY MOM TOLD ME THAT

IN THE MORNING AF--

LIKE, WE HAD TO GO TO SCHOOL

THE NEXT DAY, AND MY MOM TOLD ME

THAT I WAS CRYING WHILE I WAS

GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL.

[laughter]

BUT...

[laughs]

SO...

>> HOW MANY TIMES

DID YOU VOTE EACH?

>> 72.

>> OH.

>> YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.

>> SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE

TO VOTE 72 TIMES?

>> A LONG TIME.

>> A WHILE.

>> DO YOU REALIZE

THAT DAVID COOK SHOULD'VE WON?

>> NO.

>> NO.

>> YOU DON'T FEEL

HE WAS THE MORE TALENTED

OF THE TWO ARTISTS?

>> NO.

>> DEFINITELY NOT.

>> REALLY?

>> [laughs]

>> SORRY.

[laughter]

SORRY, I DON'T.

>> OKAY.

DID YOU GET

A LOT OF HATE COMMENTS

FROM DAVID COOK FANS?

>> UH, YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> ONE PERSON TOLD US THAT

WE NEED TO BE SPANKED MORE.

>> EWW.

WAS THAT AN OLDER MAN?

SEEMS CREEPY.

SEEMS UNACCEPTABLE

TO WRITE THAT.

WILL YOU WATCH IDOL

WHEN SIMON LEAVES?

>> PROBABLY NOT.

>> OH.

WE DON'T REALLY WATCH

THE SEASON THAT MUCH, THOUGH.

>> ONCE PAULA LEFT.

>> OH, YOU LIKED PAULA?

>> WENT DOWNHILL.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ELLEN?

>> OH, PERSONALLY,

I THINK THAT SHE DOESN'T--

SHE DOESN'T DO MUSIC, SO, LIKE,

IT'S POINTLESS FOR HER

TO BE A JUDGE.

>> SHE BARELY DOES COMEDY.

[laughter]

OOH.

DID YOU KNOW PAULA

USED TO MAKE MUSIC?

>> all: YEAH.

>> OKAY, FINISH THIS LYRIC.

"STRAIGHT UP,

NOW TELL ME, DO YOU..."

>> UM, WANT--

>> ♪ REALLY WANT TO LOVE

[cans clattering]

♪ ME FOREVER

[laughter]

ARE YOU GUYS IN HIGH SCHOOL YET?

>> NOT YET.

>> WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN,

EIGHTH?

>> EIGHTH.

>> EIGHTH? OH, MY GOODNESS.

I LOVED EIGHTH GRADE.

I WAS SO POPULAR.

[laughter]

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE

WHEN YOU GET OLDER?

>> UM, SOMETHING, LIKE,

INVOLVING ACTIVENESS AND, LIKE,

EATING WELL,

BECAUSE AMERICA'S NOT--

>> AMERICA'S FAT?

>> YES.

>> THEY'RE FAT,

AND THEY'RE LAZY,

AND THEY'RE SELFISH.

>> YES. RIGHT.

GONNA CHANGE THAT WAY.

>> YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE THAT?

GOOD LUCK.

[laughter]

YOU AND OBAMA.

[laughter]

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN

YOU GET OLDER?

ANY IDEA?

>> I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

>> NEITHER DO I,

AND I'M ALREADY OLD.

DO I REALLY LOOK 22?

[laughter]

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE NOW?

YOUR FAVORITE MUSICIAN NOW.

WHO ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH NOW?

>> JUSTIN BIEBER.

>> WHY?

>> HE'S TALENTED.

>> YEAH.

>> I DON'T THINK HE IS.

>> OH.

>> THAT'S JUST MY GUESS.

[laughter]

YOU DON'T THINK HE'S TOO--

TOO--IT'S LIKE--TOO--

I MEAN, JUST GOOFY?

>> I LIKE HIM.

>> HE LOVES MEN.

>> THE JONAS BROTHERS.

>> THE JONAS BROTHERS?

THEY'RE ALL GAY TOO.

>> NO. NO.

>> NO?

>> NO.

>> ARE YOU GUYS READY

TO HEAD OVER TO THE IDOL STAGE

TO MEET DAVID ARCHULETA?

>> YEAH!

>> LET'S GO.

HURRY.

[cans clattering]

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