May 29, 2012 - "Smell Yo D**k" Girl

  • 05/29/2012

The "Smell Yo D**k" Girl gets a Web Redemption, and Time Magazine prints a breastfeeding cover.

BY TIME MAGAZINE'SRECENT COVER

WITH A FIVE-YEAR-OLD BOYSUCKING ON HIS MAMA'S TITTY.

THAT'S JUST IMMATURE.

BREAST-FEEDING IS A NATURALAND BEAUTIFUL ACT

THAT STRENGTHENS THE BONDBETWEEN MOTHER AND CHILD.

PLUS, BREAST-FEEDINGIS A GREAT LOOPHOLE

FROM GETTING UNBLURRED MELONSON COMEDY CENTRAL.

- ♪ WHY YOU COMIN' HOME5:00 IN THE MORN? ♪

- ♪ SOMETHING'S GOIN' ON

♪ CAN I SMELL YO DICK?

- ♪ DON'T PLAY ME LIKE A FOOL,'CAUSE THAT AIN'T COOL ♪

- ♪ SO WHAT YOU NEED TO DOIS LET ME SMELL YOUR DICK ♪

- ♪ IT'S 4:00AND I'M SLEEPIN' ♪

- ♪ IT'S LATE NIGHTAND YOU CREEPIN' ♪

- ♪ YOU COULD'VE TOLD ME,"I'M LEAVIN'" ♪

♪ NOW I KNOW YOU'REOUT THERE CHEATIN'♪

- ♪ WHY YOU COMIN' HOME5:00 IN THE MORNING? ♪

♪ SOMETHING'S GOING ON

♪ CAN I SMELL YOUR DICK?

- IT'S ALSO A GREAT WAYTO FIND OUT

IF YOUR MANHAS BEEN JOGGING.

THAT BONER BLOODHOUNDIS AVIANCE,

AND SHE WAS SINGINGTHE MOST BEAUTIFUL BALLAD

THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, SMELL YO DICK.

INHALING YOUR BOYFRIENDIS THE ULTIMATE LIE DETECTOR,

BUT HOW ABOUTJUST CHECKING HIS TEXTS

WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEPLIKE A NORMAL PSYCHO?

MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'TCALL HIS ASS

15 MOTHERFUCKING TIMESHE WOULDN'T FEEL THE NEED

TO STAY OUT TILL 5:00IN THE MORNING

PUTTING HIS JUNKINTO STANKY COOCHIES.

THE REAL PROBLEMISN'T CHEATING.

IT'S MONOGAMY.EVERY GUY WANTS TO CHEAT.

SO IF YOUR BOYFRIENDIS FAITHFUL,

KNOW THAT HEIS ALSO MISERABLE.

NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR CHEATING.

"OH, I'M SORRY I DID WHATEVOLUTION PROGRAMMED ME TO DO."

YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT NATURAL?

STILL BEING ATTRACTEDTO SOMEONE

YOU'VE SHARED A BATHROOMWITH FOR 20 YEARS.

"BUT SWANS MATE FOR LIFE."

THAT'S BECAUSETHEY HAVE TINY BRAINS.

PLUS, ALL GIRL SWANSHAVE THE SAME SIZED TITS.

GETTING SOME STRANGEON THE SIDE ISN'T ALL BAD.

MARY CHEATED ON JOSEPHWITH GOD

AND THAT SEEMED TO WORK OUTPRETTY WELL FOR ALL OF US.

AND CHEATINGCREATED ADELE,

SO IF YOU ARE DATING A GIRLTHAT CAN SING,

PLEASE SCREW AROUND ON HERSO WE CAN ALL HAVE

A BEAUTIFUL SONGTO CRY ABOUT NEXT YEAR.

OF COURSE, NONE OF THIS APPLIESWHEN A GIRL CHEATS ON ME.

THEN CHEATING IS AWFUL,

AND YOU DESERVE TO BE CALLEDTHE "C" WORD.

BUT I STILL WANTEDTO MAKE AVIANCE

THE NEWEST TOSH.HO.

THAT'S WHY I FLEW SHORTYTO HOLLYWOOD,

THE CAPITALOF UP IN YOUR FUCK,

FOR THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[applause]

IT'S ALMOST 5:00IN THE MORNING.

WHERE THE HELL IS AVIANCE?

- I'M HERE.I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

TRAFFIC WAS A BITCH.

- TRAFFIC?- YES.

- LET ME SMELL YOUR PUSSY.

WELL, TELL MEABOUT THE SONG.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,ERIC, BIG BABY,

HE CALLED ME ONE DAY,HE WAS LIKE,

"MAN, I GO THIS SONGI NEED TO YOU GET ON."

SO I'M LIKE, "OKAY.WHAT'S IT ABOUT?"

HE'S LIKE,"SMELLING DICK."

- YOU FELL IN LOVEWITH IT IMMEDIATELY?

- I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT.

- HOW OLD IS THAT SONG?

- ABOUT SIX YEARS.- SIX YEARS.

- I WAS 17.I'M 23 NOW.

HOLD ON. YOU WERE17 YEARS OLD WHEN YOU WERE--

WHEN YOU SANG IT?- I WAS 17 YEARS OLD,

AND THAT'S JUST SOMETHINGNOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT,

BUT IT'S TRUE.

- WERE YOU WORRIEDABOUT ASKING

A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRLTO SMELL YOUR DICK?

- I DIDN'T ASK HERTO SMELL MY DICK.

- IN THEORY YOU DIDN'T,BUT YOU WROTE THE SONG.

- I MEAN, AT THE TIME,YEAH, SHE WAS 17,

BUT SHE WAS ABOUTTO TURN 18.

UM, I'M NO--

- WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

- YOU KNOWHOW WOMEN HAVE GUYS

AND THEY COME HOME LATE.

YOU CALL THEM,THEY DON'T ANSWER.

YOU TEXT THEM,THEY DON'T ANSWER.

SO WHEN THEY GET BACK,YOU KNOW,

YOU TELL HIM, "HEY, LET MESMELL YOUR DICK."

- YOU EVER SMELLEDA MAN'S PENIS?

- OH, YEAH.- OH!

I DON'T THINK THAT WASTHE ANSWER I WAS EXPECTING.

ARE YOU HURTTHAT SMELL YO DICK

WAS SNUBBED AT THE GRAMMYS?

- YEAH, SHIT YEAH.

- THE MESSAGE SHOULD BE,YOU SHOULDN'T CHEAT.

- POINT BLANK, YEAH.

- I'VE NEVER CHEATEDON A GIRL.

- I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.- I HAVEN'T.

- HMM.- I'M FAITHFUL.

IF I DON'T WANT TO BEIN A RELATIONSHIP,

I'M HONEST AND UPFRONT

AND I GET OUTOF THE RELATIONSHIP.

- OKAY.- NO, I'M KIDDING.

I THROW THAT DICK EVERYWHERE.- [laughs]

- NOW, DID THIS SONGCOME FROM PERSONAL PLACE?

HAD YOU BEENCHEATING ON SOMEONE?

- I'VE CHEATED BEFORE.

- HAVE THEY ASKEDTO SMELL YOUR DICK?

- NEVER.

- WHAT DOES A CHEATINGDICK SMELL LIKE?

- YOU'LL HAVE TO ASKA DICK SMELLER.

[laughter]I'M NOT A DICK SMELLER.

- WHAT SHOULD I DOIF I COME HOME

SAY, 4:30, 5:00ish,IN THE MORNING

AND MY GIRLFRIEND WANTSTO SMELL MY DICK?

WHAT'S THE GO-TO MOVE?- DON'T COME HOME.

- OH, MAN, THEY PLAYED ITON A COUPLE RADIO STATIONS.

WE ACTUALLY DID,I THINK, FOUR VERSIONS.

- OH, SO YOU DID DOA CLEAN VERSION?

- OH, YES.

- DID YOU EVER CALL ITA CHICKSICLE?

- ONE OF THEM IS CALLED♪ SMELL YO NECK ♪

- YOU COULD'VE DONE SMELL YOUR WEENIE.

- YEAH, BUT THAT'S BORING.

- THAT DOESN'T HAVE QUITETHE RING TO IT.

- THEY WANT TO KNOWTHE REAL STUFF.

- I GOTCHA. SMELL YOUR GOO GUN.

YOUR DISCO STICK. - NO.

- NO? SMELL YOUR ONE-EYED WORM.

- NO.- SMELL YOUR MAN-CLIT.

- NO, THAT'S--UGH.

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCEBETWEEN

THE SMELL OF A NUT CANNONAND THE BALLS?

- WHAT'S THE NUT CANNON?- YOUR DICK.

- OH, OKAY.[exhales]

DEPENDS ON IFYOU'RE CIRCUMCISED.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,YOU HAVE ALL THAT FAT

LEFT OUT OR WHATEVER.- SKIN.

- THAT'S WHAT CARRIESTHE SMELL, THE BALLS.

- I LIKE THE IDEAOF NOT HAVING BALLS.

- I NEED TO HOLD THEM.

- YOU KNOW WHY I DON'TWANT YOU HOLDING 'EM?

- WHY?- IT GIVES YOU TOO MUCH POWER.

- WELL, WHEN YOU SQUEEZE 'EM.IT PUSHES UP THE JUICE.

- WHAT?- [laughs]

- I THINK YOU SHOULDTEACH AN ANATOMY CLASS.

- I COULD.

- DOES A BLACK DICK

SMELL DIFFERENTTHAN A WHITE DICK?

- IT MIGHT.- I WONDER IF IT DOES.

- ASK AVIANCE.SHE MIGHT KNOW.

- [laughs]I'M NOT GONNA ASK HER.

THAT SEEMS INAPPROPRIATE.

OKAY, YOUR SONG ISCLEARLY A MASTERPIECE

AND I THINK IT DESERVESTHE UTMOST RESPECT.

- MM-HMM.

- ARE YOU READY TO GIVETHE PERFORMANCE OF A LIFETIME?

- MOST DEFINITELY.

[chimes ringing]

[applause]

[orchestra warming up]

[playing classical versionof Smell Yo Dick]

♪ WHY YOU COMIN' HOME5:00 IN THE MORN? ♪

♪ SOMETHING'S GOING ON

♪ CAN I SMELL YO DICK?

♪ DON'T PLAY ME LIKE A FOOL

♪ 'CAUSE THAT AIN'T COOL

♪ SO WHAT YOU NEED TO DOIS LET ME SMELL YO DICK ♪

♪ WHY YOU COMIN' HOME5:00 IN THE MORNING? ♪

♪ SOMETHING'S GOING ON

♪ CAN I SMELL YO DICK?

♪ DON'T PLAY ME LIKE A FOOL,'CAUSE THAT AIN'T COOL ♪

♪ SO WHAT YOU NEED TO DOIS LET ME SMELL YO DICK ♪

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,HOLOGRAM COOLIO.

- ♪ HOLOGRAM COOLIOAT THE CONCERT ♪

♪ BITCHES IN THE PLACE,REMOVE YOUR SHIRT ♪

♪ MY DICK SMELL GREATLIKE YOU KNOW IT SHOULD ♪

♪ TAKE A DEEP BREATH'CAUSE I JUST GOT WOOD ♪

♪ YOU THINK I'M CHEATIN'?YOU'RE DAMN WRONG ♪

♪ I DON'T HIT THE SKIDS, HO,I HIT THE BONG ♪

♪ YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE,BUT YOU GOT YOU NO CLASS ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T SMELL MY DICK,BUT YOU CAN KISS MY ASS ♪

- ♪ WHY COMIN' HOME5:00 IN MORN? ♪

♪ SOMETHING'S GOING ON

♪ CAN I SMELL YO DICK?

♪ DON'T PLAY ME LIKE A FOOL,'CAUSE THAT AIN'T COOL ♪

♪ SO WHAT YOU NEED TO DOIS LET ME SMELL YO DICK ♪

- ♪ DON'T PLAY MELIKE A FOOL ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT AIN'T COOL

♪ SO WHAT YOU NEED TO DOIS LET ME SMELL ♪

♪ YOUR DICK

[applause]

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THESEMOTHERFUCKERS

SPENT $400,000ON HOLOGRAM COOLIO.

SHIT, THEY COULD'VE GOTREAL COOLIO FOR 100.

[applause continues]

- [sniffs]

[audience ohs]

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONEBROUGHT A 12-TON BUS

TO A FOAM SWORD FIGHT.

NOW LET'S SEE IF HE'LL PASSRIGHT THROUGH IT

LIKE BILL COSBY IN GHOST DADIN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

WELCOME TO ANOTHERSTUPID COLLEGE TRADITION

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS,

WHERE CELEBRATINGAN 8 AND 5 SEASON

MEANS HAVING DRUNK STUDENTSRUN ACROSS THE STREET

AND ATTACK EACH OTHER, BRAVEHEART STYLE.

THESE DAYS, TEXAS IS PENN STATEWITHOUT THE DIRTY SUMMER CAMP.

[laughter]

HEY, THERE IS SOMETHINGAWFULLY FAMILIAR

ABOUT THATONE BLACK GUY THERE.

[laughter]

HOLD THE BOOST MOBILE.

IS THATBARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA?

COME ON, MAN.

YOU CAN'T DRESS LIKEOUR FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT

IN GEORGE W.'s BACKYARD.

THAT'S EVEN MORE THREATENINGTHAN A HOODIE.

[overlapping shouts]

IF I WERE BLACKAND STANDING NEXT TO A PACK

OF WHITE SOUTHERNSTRONG GUYS,

I WOULDN'T WAIT FORTHE WALK SIGNAL EITHER.

THE PROBLEM WITH WEARINGA MASK IS,

IT KILLSYOUR PERIPHERAL VISION.

[overlapping shouts]

[audience groans]

AND THERE'S THE STRAIGHT-TALKEXPRESS FOUR YEARS TOO LATE.

I GUESS THE SECRET SERVICE

WAS TOO BUSYPORKING COLOMBIAN WHORES

TO SAVE HIM.

[overlapping shouts]

[audience groans]

TEXAS IS WHERE ALL PRESIDENTS GOTO GET MURDERED.

TIME TO SWEAR INFAKE JOE BIDEN.

AT LEAST WE MADE PROGRESS.

50 YEARS AGO,

HE WOULD HAVE HAD TO GET HITBY THE BACK OF THE BUS.

[laughter]

YAY! HE'S ALIVE.

NOW, JUST HANG IN THEREFOR THREE MONTHS

UNTIL AN OBAMACARE-APPROVEDDOCTOR CAN SEE YOU.

TURNS OUT AUSTIN IS JUSTAS BORING AND DUSTY

AS THE REST OFTHAT HORRIBLE STATE,

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

IT IS MY JOB TO MAKE SUREYOU SPEND YOUR SUMMER INDOORS,

WATCHING TVLIKE A GOOD AMERICAN.

WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUTMY WARDROBE THIS SUMMER?

UH, I WILL BE WEARINGSICK KICKS...

[audience oohs]

FOR THE LADIES.

[cheers and applause]

BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS IT'STHE SHOE THAT MAKES THE OUTFIT,

AND THESE PUPPIES GLOWIN THE DARK.

[cheering]

THAT'S RIGHT, SNEAKERHEADS.

THE REEBOKS EX-O-FIT HI,SG STRAP LIMITED EDITIONS.

YOU WANT A PAIR FOR YOURSELF?GO FUCK YOURSELF.

YOU CAN'T GET THESE.

HOOLIGANS WOULDN'T NEED TO PUTON PUPPET SHOWS TO STAY AWAKE.

[overlapping shouts]

MADAGASCAR 3 LOOKS EDGY.

OH, MY--OH!

LIONS ARE NOTORIOUS

FOR GIVING THE TOOTHIEST BJsIN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.

THIS IS ALSO WHY THAT LIONATTACKED SIGFRIED.

I CAN'T SEE THE GAME.

COULD YOU PLEASE PUT DOWNYOUR GIANT DONG SIGN?

I WAS SITTING IN THE VISITORS'SECTION AT THAT GAME,

AND LET ME TELL YOU,

WE DID NOT TAKE KINDLYTO THEIR TAUNTS.

[overlapping shouts]

[cheering]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[cheering]

[laughter]

I'VE ALWAYS SAID,THE STOCKHOLM SQUIRTERS

ARE MY LEAST FAVORITEMINOR LEAGUE CLUB.

- I'M JANE SVOBODA.

- THAT'S THE DOWNSIDEOF DEMOCRACY.

ANY CRAZY WOMAN CAN BLAB ON

ABOUT HOW AWFUL SHE THINKSTHE GAYS ARE.

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW,

I HAPPEN TO BE A CITY COUNCILMANFOR LINCOLN, NEBRASKA.

ALL RIGHT, WHY DID YOUSPELL "PENIS" AND NOT "ANUS"?

ANUS IS EQUALLYIF NOT MORE DIRTY THAN PENIS.

HEY, I DON'T KNOWABOUT YOU,

BUT MOST TIMES AFTER ANAL,

I'M TOO TIREDTO COMMIT HOMICIDE.

RIGHT, COUNCILWOMAN?

YEAH, AND THAT PARTNERWAS CRACK COCAINE.

YOU ARE ALL OVERTHE MAP, LADY.

YOU SURE YOU WOULDN'T BEMORE COMFORTABLE

JUST ASKING FORA STOP SIGN TO BE PUT IN?

OKAY. YOU HAVE TO STOP.THAT IS JUST NOT TRUE.

THERE ARE PLENTYOF OLD GAYS.

YOU SEE VINCENT HERE?WHAT ARE YOU, 60?

GET OVER HERE, GIMME A KISS.HEH HEH. QUEER.

HUH. I THOUGHT ANUS LICKINGCAUSED BONERS.

ARE YOU OKAY WITHHETEROSEXUAL RIM JOBS?

AND DO YOU CONSIDERTHE TAINT PART OF THE ANUS?

BECAUSE FOR ME,IT'S A GRAY AREA.

OR A SLIGHTLY DARKER BROWNAREA.

"SCHOOL GROUNDS.LESS CHANCE OF AIDS..."

GOT IT.

EXCUSE ME, SON, IF YOUDON'T STOP LAUGHING,

AND SHOW THAT WOMANTHE RESPECT SHE DESERVES,

I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO COME BACKFOR A PRIVATE MEETING

WITH ME AND VINCENT.

LORD KNOWS,HE'S WANTED IT ALL DAY.

YOU'RE TELLING MEYOU CAN CURE AIDS

WITH TOUGH ACTIN' TINACTIN?

IS THERE A THIRD OPTION?

HOW ABOUT YOU THROWA CHICK INTO THE MIX?

MARY MAGDALENE?I KNOW THAT WHORE'S GOOD TO GO.

THE ONLY REAL PROBLEM I HAVEWITH HAPPY GILMORE'S GRANDMA

IS THAT SHE'S NOT EVENA RESIDENT OF LINCOLN.

YEAH, SHE DRIVES INFROM PESTER RIDGE.

BUNCH OF HOMOPHOBESIN PESTER RIDGE.

THERE'S GOTTA BE, LIKE,TWO VIEWERS RIGHT NOW

LOSING THEIR MINDIN PESTER RIDGE.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE.

>> IT'S ALMOST 5:00 IN THE

MORNING.

WHERE THE HELL IS AVIANCE?

>> I'M HERE.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

TRAFFIC WAS A BITCH.

>> TRAFFIC?

>> YES.

>> LET ME SMELL YOUR PUSSY.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M PRETTY GOOD.

AND YOU?

>> YOU LOOK LOVELY.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> I'M FROM FLORIDA.

>> FLORIDA!

>> YEAH.

>> I'M FROM FLORIDA.

>> WHERE?

>> WELL, I WAS--I WAS RAISED IN

TITUSVILLE--KENNEDY SPACE CENTER

AREA--WENT TO SCHOOL IN ORLANDO,

AND THEN LIVED IN MIAMI.

>> WELL, YOU'RE GONNA VISIT ME.

>> WHERE ARE YOU--WHERE ARE YOU

AT?

>> HAINES CITY.

>> WHERE'S THAT?

>> NOWHERE.

>> WHAT'S IT NEAR?

>> ORLANDO.

>> YOU DO A LOT OF ECSTASY?

>> NO.

>> OH, ALL RIGHT.

TELL ME ABOUT THE SONG.

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, ERIC,

BIG BABY, HE CALLED ME ONE DAY

AND WAS LIKE, "MAN, I GOT THIS

SONG I NEED YOU TO GET ON."

SO I'M LIKE, "OKAY, WHAT'S IT

ABOUT?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "SMELLING DICK."

>> YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH IT

IMMEDIATELY?

>> I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT.

>> HOW OLD IS THAT SONG?

>> ABOUT SIX YEARS.

>> SIX YEARS.

>> I WAS 17.

I'M 23 NOW.

>> HOLD ON, YOU WERE 17 YEARS

OLD WHEN YOU SANG IT?

>> I WAS 17 YEARS OLD, AND

THAT'S JUST SOMETHING NOBODY

WANTS TO TALK ABOUT, BUT IT'S

TRUE.

>> WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT ASKING

A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL TO SMELL YOUR

DICK?

>> I DIDN'T ASK HER TO SMELL MY

DICK.

>> IN THEORY YOU DIDN'T, BUT YOU

WROTE THE SONG.

>> I MEAN, AT THE TIME, YEAH,

SHE WAS 17, BUT SHE WAS ABOUT TO

TURN 18.

I'M--I'M NO--

>> OH, NO, NO--I WASN'T ACCUSING

YOU OF THAT AT ALL.

LISTEN, IF 17 WAS LEGAL,

THAT'S THE PLAYGROUND I'D BE IN.

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

>> YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN HAVE GUYS

AND THEY COME HOME LATE.

YOU CALL 'EM, THEY DON'T ANSWER.

YOU TEXT 'EM, THEY DON'T ANSWER.

SO WHEN THEY GET BACK, YOU KNOW,

YOU TELL 'EM, "HEY, LET ME SMELL

YOUR DICK."

>> YOU EVER SMELLED A MAN'S

PENIS?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> OH.

I DON'T THINK THAT WAS THE

ANSWER I WAS EXPECTING.

ARE YOU HURT THAT SMELL YO DICK

WAS SNUBBED AT THE GRAMMY'S?

>> YEAH, SHIT, YEAH.

>> YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD HAVE

WON THAT.

>> YEAH.

>> MUST HAVE BEEN SOME STIFF

COMPETITION THAT YEAR.

>> HAD TO BE.

[laughs]

OH, MAN.

>> IS THE MESSAGE OF THE SONG

THAT GUYS SHOULD FEBREZE THEIR

SACK?

>> IF YOU'RE GONNA CHEAT,

YOU NEED TO COVER IT UP BETTER.

>> THE MESSAGE SHOULD BE

"YOU SHOULDN'T CHEAT."

>> POINT BLANK, YEAH.

>> I'VE NEVER CHEATED ON A GIRL.

>> I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

>> I HAVEN'T.

>> HMM.

>> I'M FAITHFUL.

IF I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A

RELATIONSHIP, I'M HONEST AND

UP-FRONT, AND I GET OUT OF THE

RELATIONSHIP.

>> OKAY.

>> NO, I'M KIDDING.

I THROW THAT DICK EVERYWHERE.

>> [laughs]

>> NOW DID THIS SONG COME FROM A

PERSONAL PLACE?

HAD YOU BEEN CHEATING ON

SOMEONE?

>> I'VE CHEATED.

>> HAVE THEY EVER ASKED TO SMELL

YOUR DICK?

>> NEVER.

>> WHAT DOES A CHEATING DICK

SMELL LIKE?

>> YOU'D HAVE TO ASK A DICK

SMELLER.

I'M NO DICK SMELLER.

>> ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL

SINGER?

>> OH, DEFINITELY.

I DO A LOT OF MUSIC.

>> WHAT'S YOUR ULTIMATE CAREER

GOAL?

>> I'M A DIVA.

I WANT TO BE A SINGER.

MUSIC IS MY PASSION.

I WAS ALWAYS IN SOMETHING IN

SCHOOL, AND THAT'S--THAT'S MY

GOAL.

>> NAME YOUR THREE FAVORITE

DIVAS.

>> MYA.

SHE'S OLD--SHE--YOU KNOW, I

HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING NEW FROM

HER.

ALICIA KEYS.

>> MM-HMM.

>> AND THEN MARY J. BLIGE.

>> WITH THOSE THREE:

FUCK, MARRY, KILL.

>> [laughs]

OH, GOSH.

>> IT'S NOT EASY.

>> I'D MARRY ALICIA KEYS.

>> OKAY.

>> FUCK MARY J. BLIGE,

AND KILL MYA.

SORRY.

>> WERE YOU SHOCKED AT HOW

POPULAR THIS BECAME ONLINE?

>> OH, MY GOSH.

EVERYBODY'S REDOING IT.

THEY'RE ON ACOUSTIC GUITARS.

THEY'RE ON PIANOS, A CAPELL-O.

THEY'RE JUST--THEY LOVE IT.

>> HAVE YOU MADE MONEY OFF OF

THIS SONG?

>> YEAH.

>> 'CAUSE IT'S DONE VERY WELL.

>> IT'S DONE VERY WELL.

>> 'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T EXPECT IT

TO, I ASSUME--OR DID YOU?

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAD A HIT?

>> I KNEW IT WOULD STRIKE SOME

CONTROVERSY A LITTLE BIT.

I KNEW IT WOULD.

I KNEW PEOPLE WOULD BE TALKING

ABOUT IT.

WE NEEDED A SONG WITH SHOCK

VALUE, AND THAT WAS, LIKE,

PERFECT.

>> DID YOU THINK SIX YEARS LATER

YOU'D STILL BE TALKING ABOUT IT?

>> NEVER, NO.

>> IS THE SONG EMPOWERING FOR

WOMEN?

>> MOST DEFINITELY.

GIVE 'EM COURAGE.

>> IS THIS AN ACTUAL PRACTICE

THAT'S GOING ON, OR ARE YOU JUST

BEING SILLY?

>> NO, I MEAN, YOU DON'T DO IT

JUST TO DO IT, YOU KNOW, IT'S--

SOMETIMES IT COME UP.

>> IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK...

>> IT'S A DUCK.

>> WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I COME

HOME, SAY, 4:30, 5:00-ISH IN THE

MORNING, AND MY GIRLFRIEND WANTS

TO SMELL MY DICK.

WHAT--WHAT'S THE GO-TO MOVE?

>> DON'T COME HOME.

>> DID THEY PLAY THE SONG

ON THE RADIO?

>> OH, MAN, THEY PLAYED IT ON A

COUPLE RADIO STATIONS.

WE ACTUALLY DID, I THINK, FOUR

VERSIONS.

>> OH, SO YOU DID DO A CLEAN

VERSION?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> DID YOU EVER CALL IT A

CHICK-SICLE?

>> ONE OF 'EM IS CALLED

SMELL YO NICK.

>> YOU COULD'VE DONE A "SMELL

YOUR WEENIE."

>> YEAH, BUT THAT'S BORING.

>> THAT DOESN'T HAVE QUITE

THE RING TO IT.

>> WE WANT--THEY WANT TO KNOW

THE REAL STUFF.

>> I GOT YOU.

"SMELL YOUR GOO GUN"?

"YOUR DISCO STICK"?

>> NO.

>> NO?

"SMELL YOUR ONE-EYED WORM"?

>> NO.

>> "SMELL YOUR MAN CLIT"?

>> NO, THAT'S--UH.

>> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

THE SMELL OF THE NUT CANNON

AND THE BALLS?

>> WHAT'S THE NUT CANNON?

>> YOUR DICK.

>> OH, OKAY.

>> [scoffs]

>> DEPENDS ON THEIR--IF THEIR--

IF YOU'RE--IT'S CIRCUMCISED.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE ALL

THAT FAT LEFT OUT OR WHATEVER.

>> SKIN.

>> THAT'S WHAT CARRY THE SMELL--

THE BALLS.

>> I LIKE THE IDEA OF NOT HAVING

BALLS.

>> WE NEED TO HOLD 'EM.

>> YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T WANT YOU

HOLDING 'EM?

>> WHY?

>> IT GIVES YOU TOO MUCH POWER.

>> WELL, WHEN YOU SQUEEZE 'EM,

IT PUSHES UP THE JUICE.

>> WHAT?

>> [laughs]

>> I THINK YOU SHOULD TEACH

AN ANATOMY CLASS.

>> I COULD.

>> IF YOU HAD TO GUESS, WHAT DO

YOU THINK MY MAN CLIT SMELLS

LIKE?

>> OH, OH, OH.

HMM.

DOLCE AND GABBANA?

>> NO.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

LIKE YEAST.

A FORM OF YEAST.

>> NO.

>> IT'S BAD.

RIPE.

DOES A BLACK DICK SMELL

DIFFERENT THAN A WHITE DICK?

>> IT MIGHT.

>> I WONDER IF IT DOES.

>> ASK AVIANCE.

SHE MIGHT KNOW.

>> I'M NOT GONNA ASK HER.

THAT SEEMS INAPPROPRIATE.

OKAY, YOUR SONG IS CLEARLY

A MASTERPIECE.

AND I THINK IT DESERVES

THE UTMOST RESPECT.

>> MM-HMM.

>> ARE YOU READY TO GIVE

THE PERFORMANCE OF A LIFETIME?

>> MOST DEFINITELY.

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