July 28, 2010 - Worst Comedian Ever

  • Season 2, Ep 17
  • 07/28/2010

The Worst Comedian Ever gets a Web Redemption, Twitter hates on LeBron James, and Daniel puts 20 Seconds on the Clock for boobs with abs.

>> KNOCK, KNOCK.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY

"WHO'S THERE?"

WE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

DARRELL, FIRST I WANT TO WELCOME

YOU BACKSTAGE TO THE

WORLD-FAMOUS HOLLYWOOD IMPROV.

THIS IS WHERE ALL THE GREATS

HAVE GOTTEN THEIR START,

LIKE, SOMMORE, BRUCE BRUCE,

EARTHQUAKE.

DO YOU KNOW ANY OF THOSE?

>> NO, I--

KEEP GOING.

>> AH.

JUST HOW FAT IS YOUR

GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMA?

>> I MEAN, SHE WAS A BIG WOMAN.

I MEAN, SHE WAS JUST HUGE.

SHE PROBABLY WEIGHED ABOUT

438 POUNDS.

>> WELL, THAT'S A GOOD

REFERENCE.

NOW I FINALLY KNOW HOW BIG

SHE WAS.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

STAND-UP COMEDY?

>> I'VE BEEN DOING STAND-UP

COMEDY FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS,

OFF AND ON.

>> HOW OLD IS THAT VIDEO?

>> EIGHT OR NINE YEARS OLD.

>> AND DID YOU PUT IT ONLINE?

>> YES, SIR, I DID.

>> DID YOU KNOW THAT IT BECAME

SO POPULAR?

>> WELL, WHEN I GOT A CALL THEY

WANTED ME TO FLY OUT HERE

TO LOS ANGELES, I SAID,

"OH, SHIT."

I SAID, "I GOT SOMETHING GOING

ON NOW."

>> [laughs]

HAD YOU EVER SEEN HOW MANY

VIEWS YOUR VIDEO GOT ONLINE?

>> I KNOW IT GOT QUITE A BIT,

BUT I JUST DIDN'T REALLY KNOW

HOW MANY IT GOT.

>> THAT TAPE THAT WAS ONLINE,

WAS THAT IN FRONT OF A LIVE

AUDIENCE?

>> THAT'S, LIKE, A PUBLIC ACCESS

CHANNEL, LIKE KARL-STOR CABLE

IN BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY,

AND ANYBODY CAN GET ON THERE.

>> SO THAT WAS A TELEVISED

PERFORMANCE.

>> YES, SIR.

>> THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

WAS THAT YOUR FIRST TIME?

>> YES, SIR, IT WAS.

>> IT WAS YOUR FIRST TIME DOING

STAND-UP WAS ON TV.

>> YES, SIR.

>> GOOD FOR YOU.

I DID STAND-UP FOR PROBABLY

SEVEN YEARS BEFORE I EVER TRIED

IT ON TELEVISION.

YOU WENT THE OTHER WAY.

HAVE YOU EVER PERFORMED IN FRONT

OF A LIVE AUDIENCE?

>> I PERFORMED ONE TIME

IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE,

AND THAT WAS LIKE--

I WAS KIND OF NERVOUS,

BUT I WENT ON AND DONE IT

ANYHOW, AND, YOU KNOW...

>> WAS IT A GOOD EXPERIENCE?

>> YES, IT WAS.

IT WAS A GREAT EXPERIENCE,

AND I WOULD LIKE TO DO IT AGAIN.

>> HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH

HECKLERS, IF SOMEBODY YELLS

SOMETHING?

>> WELL, IF THEY YELL

SOMETHING, I JUST YELL BACK.

I SAY, "SIT DOWN!"

>> GOOD.

>> YOU KNOW.

>> YOU'VE GAINED CONTROL

OF THE ROOM.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE STAND-UP

COMEDIAN?

>> RICHARD PRYOR WAS MY

FAVORITE.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

WHAT STYLE OF COMEDY DO YOU LIKE

THE BEST?

>> I REALLY DON'T HAVE A STYLE.

I JUST LIKE ALL KIND OF COMEDY.

>> OKAY, WELL, MAYBE THAT'S WHAT

WE SHOULD DO.

WE SHOULD TRY TO HELP YOU FIND

YOUR VOICE TO MAKE YOU A BETTER

STAND-UP COMIC, FIND THE GENRE

THAT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

OKAY, YOU'RE STRENGTHS HAVE

TO BE YOUR SETUPS.

THEY'RE REALLY STRONG.

YOUR PUNCH LINES SEEM TO BE

COMPLETELY NONEXISTENT.

DO YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT?

>> I DO.

I WORRY A LOT ABOUT IT.

I REALLY DO.

>> DID YOU EVER READ ANY OF THE

COMMENTS PEOPLE WROTE ABOUT YOU

ON YOU VIDEO?

>> YES, I READ A LOT, AND IT WAS

VERY DISTURBING.

YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE COMMENTS

THAT THEY HAD READ ABOUT ME,

YOU KNOW, ABOUT "HE'S THE WORST

COMIC" AND ALL.

IT REALLY MADE ME FEEL BAD,

YOU KNOW, BUT I JUST PICKED UP

THE PIECES AND KEPT GOING ON,

YOU KNOW.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

I MEAN, LISTEN, I'VE HAD

HORRIBLE SHOWS.

WAY TOO MANY TO REMEMBER.

THANKFULLY NONE OF THEM WERE

FILMED AND PUT ONLINE.

TELL ME THE FAVORITE JOKE THAT

YOU'VE WRITTEN.

>> A RICH MAN, AND HE WOULD

INVITE 100 OF HIS CLOSEST

FRIENDS TO THE PARTY,

AND HE WOULD SAY,

"ANYBODY THAT JUMPED IN THE

SWIMMING POOL, I'LL BUY YOU

ANYTHING YOU WANT."

WHAT HE WOULD DO IS PUT

ALLIGATORS IN THERE,

AND ONE YEAR THEY HEARD A LOUD

SPLASH, AND THERE WAS THIS GREAT

BIG MAN IN THERE TOSSING AND

TURNING TO BOTH SIDES,

AND WHEN HE FINALLY GOT

TO THE OTHER SIDE,

THE RICH MAN WALKED UP TO HIM.

HE SAID, "I TOLD YOU I WOULD BUY

YOU ANYTHING YOU WANTED.

LET ME BUY YOU A HOUSE."

THE MAN SAID, "I DON'T WANT NO

HOUSE."

HE SAID, "WELL, LET ME GIVE YOU

$1 MILLION."

THE MAN SAID, "I DON'T WANT NO

$1 MILLION."

THEN THE RICH MAN SAID,

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

HE SAID, "I JUST WANT TO KNOW

WHO IN THE HELL PUSHED ME

IN THIS SWIMMING POOL."

>> [laughs]

ALL RIGHT.

THAT WAS LONG.

IF YOU HAVE A SHOW AT NIGHT,

WHAT WOULD YOU DO

LEADING UP TO THAT DAY?

>> WELL, I WOULD PREPARE MYSELF.

IT MEANS I WOULD GET UP AND LOOK

IN THE MIRROR.

I WOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR

ALL THE TIME, TRY TO SEE

IF I'M, YOU KNOW, MAKING THE

RIGHT FACE EXPRESSIONS AND

EVERYTHING, AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT

I'M DOING RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

>> HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO

WRITE THAT ACT?

>> OH, IT DIDN'T TAKE ME NO

TIME, BECAUSE, LIKE I SAID,

I MAKE IT UP IN MY MIND.

>> OH, SO YOU DON'T EVEN WRITE

IT DOWN BEFOREHAND.

YOU JUST GO ONSTAGE.

>> I JUST MAKE STUFF UP

IN MY MIND.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

>> THE WORST PART ABOUT BEING

A STAND-UP COMEDIAN

IS THE TRAVEL.

YOU HAVE TO TRAVEL CONSTANTLY.

ARE YOU GOOD AT TRAVELING?

>> YEAH, WHEN I GOT MONEY.

>> OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO EAT WHEN

YOU'RE ON THE ROAD?

>> MY FAVORITE FOOD IS BEANS

AND CORN BREAD.

I LOVE BEANS AND CORN BREAD,

'CAUSE I'M JUST A COUNTRY BOY.

YOU KNOW, LOVE THAT BEANS

AND CORN BREAD, 'CAUSE THERE

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH BEANS

AND CORN BREAD.

IT FEELS YOU UP, YOU KNOW,

SO I JUST LOVE BEANS AND

CORN BREAD.

>> NOW, CAN YOU EAT BEANS AND

CORN BREAD RIGHT BEFORE

PERFORMANCE?

THAT WOULD DO A NUMBER ON MY

STOMACH, BECAUSE I GET NERVOUS

BEFORE I GO ONSTAGE, SO IF

I HAD BEANS AND CORN BREAD,

I PROBABLY WOULD--

I PROBABLY MIGHT HAVE

AN ACCIDENT ONSTAGE.

>> WHATEVER.

IT DON'T BOTHER ME.

I LOVE BEANS AND CORN BREAD.

>> WHAT ABOUT WORKING ON

A CATCHPHRASE?

A LOT OF COMEDIANS ONSTAGE

HAVE A CATCHPHRASE.

DO YOU THINK THAT COULD BE

SOMETHING THAT MAYBE WOULD WORK

IN YOUR ACT?

>> I THINK IT WOULD.

>> YOUR CATCHPHRASE COULD BE

"BEANS AND CORN BREAD."

JUST AFTER EACH JOKE, JUST GO,

"BEANS AND CORN BREAD."

PEOPLE MIGHT LIKE THAT.

TELL ME HOW YOU CAME UP WITH

THE NAME "WORLD OF PICTURES."

>> WELL, BECAUSE FOR ONE THING,

I WAS IN THE PICTURES,

AND I WAS IN THE WORLD.

SO THAT'S THE REASON WHY I CAME

UP WITH THE WORLD OF PICTURES.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR

MANAGEMENT GROUP,

LIKE, THE MANAGEMENT TEAM

THAT MANAGED YOU.

>> NO, IT'S JUST SOMETHING

I MADE UP.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?

>> THE FRESH PRINCE.

>> THE FRESH PRINCE.

>> WITH WILL SMITH.

>> THAT WAS A GOOD SHOW.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JAZZY JEFF?

>> I DON'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST--

>> I THINK UNCLE CARL THREW HIM

OUT ONE TOO MANY TIMES.

>> [laughs]

>> THAT'S GOOD, WASN'T IT?

>> YEAH.

>> BEANS AND CORN BREAD.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[INDISTINCT AUDIO]

>> NO!

[AUDIENCE OHS]

>> OH!

REJECTED!

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE HE SHOULD JUST BE ONE OF

THOSE INDOOR KIDS THAT READS.

MAYBE MOLLY MAIDS THERE WILL

HELP CLEAN UP YOUR FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOESN'T LOOK VERY HARD.

I WANT TO TRY.

SCORE.

DO YOU WANT ME TO HONESTLY TELL

YOU HOW MANY TIMES THAT TOOK?

>> YEAH.

>> ONE.

>> GO AHEAD.

>> DO YOU RECOGNIZE ANYBODY

AT THIS TABLE?

>> YEAH, HIM.

>> JUST LAVELL?

>> YEAH.

>> THAT'S THE ONLY PERSON

YOU RECOGNIZE.

>> ME, YOU POINTED TO ME.

>> NO.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU CLEARLY POINTED TO ME.

THIS GUY YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE.

>> WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST

TV SET LIKE?

>> OH, MY FIRST TV SET,

YOU KNOW, ONE THING YOU GOT TO

ALWAYS REMEMBER:

OUTFIT IS EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW, I'VE SEEN YOUR OUTFIT,

AND I'M NOT PUTTING IT DOWN.

I AIN'T KNOW IF YOU WAS A

GUARDIAN ANGEL OR WHATEVER.

YOU HAD THE LITTLE BERET ON.

I THOUGHT IT WAS FROM FRANCE

OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

BUT SLOW DOWN.

TAKE THE HAT OFF,

MAKE IT A LITTLE SMOOTHER.

YOU KNOW, LOOK GOOD ON STAGE.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER

TO HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

WITH A PUNCH LINE.

BE FUNNY, 'CAUSE YOUR MAMA

LOOKING AT YOU,

AND IT'S ON TAPE.

AND THEY CAN RUN IT FOREVER

LIKE YOUR YOUTUBE SET.

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

AND THEN YOU BEING ON TOSH.0,

GETTING TIPS FROM GUYS

WHO JUST HAPPY TO BE WORKING.

DID YOU DO THAT SHOW

IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE?

>> I DONE IT AT STORER CABLE.

>> OH, OKAY, YOU DID IT

AT A HOUSE?

>> STORER CABLE?

I USED TO HAVE STORER CABLE.

[laughter]

WAS THAT IN, LIKE,

HERMOSA BEACH?

>> STORER CABLE?

>> HAVE YOU DONE STANDUP

IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE?

>> YEAH, I DONE IT ONE TIME.

>> NOW, DID--

>> WAS IT AS QUIET

AS WHEN YOU DID IT ON--

>> BUT IT WAS IN FRONT OF

A BUNCH OF DRUNKS.

>> DID THEY--

>> WELL, THAT'S OUR WORLD.

>> COULD BE ANYWHERE.

>> AND A BUNCH OF DRUNKS.

[laughter]

>> WELCOME TO--WOW.

>> WELL, THAT'S COMEDY CLUBS.

>> THE YOUTUBE THING, WHAT DID

YOU THINK OF THAT SET?

I MEAN, WHEN YOU WATCH--

'CAUSE I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME

I WAS ON STAGE--

I JUST WATCHED IT RECENTLY.

I HAVE A TAPE OF IT,

AND IT'S PRETTY BAD,

BUT IT GOT A LOT OF LAUGHS.

SO I GOT TO DO IT

IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE,

SO I KNEW THERE MIGHT BE

SOMETHING THERE.

IT TOOK YEARS BEFORE I THOUGHT

"THERE'S POSSIBLY

SOMETHING THERE."

BUT WHAT DID YOU THINK

OF THAT SET?

DO YOU THINK IT'S GOOD MATERIAL?

>> I FEEL LIKE I CAN IMPROVE.

THERE'S A LOT OF IMPROVEMENT

THAT NEEDS TO BE IMPROVED ON.

>> WELL, THAT'S THE SECRET TO

COMEDY RIGHT THERE IS KNOWING

THAT THERE'S ALWAYS

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT.

>> NOW, EVERYTHING DOESN'T HAVE

TO BE TRUE.

I MEAN, WE ALL DO STANDUP,

YOU CAN EMBELLISH

AND MAKE UP THINGS.

LIKE, MY WIFE, I TALK ABOUT MY

WIFE A LOT AND HOW MUCH I HATE

HER AND I WOULD LOVE TO GET

DIVORCED AND I WANT HER TO DIE,

WHICH I DON'T REALLY MEAN.

>> NOT ALL THE TIME.

>> I WOULD SORT OF LIKE HER

MAYBE TO DISAPPEAR FOR A FEW

WEEKS, BUT YOU CAN

EMBELLISH STUFF.

YOU CAN TALK ABOUT YOUR DOG EVEN

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.

YOU CAN WALK DOWN THE STREET AND

JUST SEE SOMETHING AND GO,

PRETEND THAT'S YOUR LIFE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> I ACTUALLY LIKE MY LIFE

EXCEPT FOR MY DAD LEFT ME AND HE

CAME BACK AFTER 25 YEARS AND

TOLD ME THAT HE HAD PROSTATE

CANCER, BUT HE DIDN'T TELL ME--

HE TOLD ME TO GO TAKE--GET THE

TEST TOO, BUT HE DIDN'T TELL ME

THEY STICK A FINGER UP YOUR ASS.

>> OH, THAT'S THE ONLY REASON

I GO.

>> A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS

GOING ON IN THAT JOKE.

SEE, THERE WAS A--

THERE WAS SOME SADNESS.

>> THAT STORY WAS REALLY

A DOWNER FOR A LONG TIME.

>> EXACTLY.

BUT IT SAVES YOU AT THE END,

THOUGH, DIDN'T IT?

>> IT'S WEIRD HOW

A FINGER IN THE BUTT--

>> I SAW THE POT OF GOLD

AT THE END.

>> CHANGE IT ALL UP.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO,

THOUGH?

YOU SHOULD GET A ONE-WORD--

HIS NAME IS ANT.

SO YOU SHOULD--

YOU NEED A ONE-NAME NAME.

>> THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

>> YEAH, BLUETT

IS NOT A GOOD LAST NAME

>> NOT--NOT AT ALL.

>> ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU SAY,

"BLUETT WAS HORRIBLE."

>> BLUETT'S NOT A GOOD

LAST NAME.

>> SO WHAT SHOULD I NAME MYSELF?

>> I LIKE BLUETT.

>> LIKE, UH...

>> CALL YOURSELF BIG "D."

>> WHY DON'T YOU CALL

YOURSELF DARRELL SPECTACULAR?

>> GO WITH BIG "D."

>> I LIKE IT.

>> HE WENT GAY WITH IT.

DARRELL SPECTACULAR?

>> THAT'S NOT

>> WHY IS THAT GAY?

>> BECAUSE TWO STRAIGHT GUYS

DEEM IT IS.

YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING.

>> IT SOUND LIKE

A WASHED-UP SUPERHERO.

>> YEAH, HE'S NOT A MAGICIAN.

>> DARRELL SPECTACULAR.

[laughter]

>> HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF CHANGING

THE FIRST NAME TO "I REALLY"?

>> I REALLY?

>> I REALLY BLUETT?

[laughter]

>> TELL 'EM WHAT I THOUGHT

YOUR CATCHPHRASE SHOULD BE.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?

>> BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

>> OH, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>> THERE, THAT'S THE NAME

RIGHT THERE!

>> IS THAT NOT THE CATCHPHRASE?

>> BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

>> LOOK, LARRY THE CABLE GUY

HAD "GET 'ER DONE."

>> TENNESSEE AND GUMSHOE.

>> HEY, BROTHER, YOU KNOW, WELL,

ONE THING ABOUT COMEDY

THAT THEY FORGET TO TELL YOU,

IT TAKES MORE GUTS THAN TALENT

TO GET ON STAGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND YOU GOT A LOT OF GUTS,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW--I'M GLAD IT

WASN'T IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE,

BUT WHEN YOU DID IT IN FRONT OF

AN AUDIENCE, DID YOU GET

ANY LAUGHS AT ALL WHEN YOU DID?

>> I GOT A LOT OF LAUGHS.

>> YOU GOT A LOT OF LAUGHS?

>> 'CAUSE THEY WERE DRUNK.

>> HOW MANY TIMES

YOU BEEN ON STAGE?

>> TWICE.

>> TWICE.

>> I BEEN ON STAGE TWICE.

>> OKAY, AND THOSE TWO TIMES,

WHAT--CAN YOU REMEMBER WHAT

GOT THE BIGGEST LAUGH?

CAN YOU REMEMBER?

'CAUSE GETTING A LAUGH FOR

THE FIRST TIME AS A COMEDIAN

IS A BIG THING, RIGHT?

>> I HAVEN'T HAD IT YET.

>> AND ONE DAY,

WE'LL EXPERIENCE THAT.

AHH!

>> SO WHAT WAS IT?

>> DO YOU LIKE FAT WOMEN?

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST LAUGH?

>> I'M SORRY.

>> DO I LIKE FAT WOMEN?

YEAH, I LIKE WOMENS

THAT I CAN HOLD ON TO.

>> SEE?

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.

IT'S ROLLING.

>> SO YOU GOT A MOBY DICK

FETISH.

>> YEAH, I LOVE FAT WOMEN.

>> YOU'RE LIKE A CAPTAIN AHAB

KIND OF BROTHER.

>> MOBY DICK.

>> I DON'T LIKE NO SKINNY WOMEN

THAT'S GONNA FLY THROUGH MY ARMS

AND STUFF.

I WANT A WOMAN

THAT I CAN HOLD ON TO.

>> BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO

BE RUBBING TOGETHER

AND START A FIRE.

>> WHY ARE YOU HOLDING A WOMAN

IN A HEADLOCK FOR?

>> NO, I AIN'T--

>> I WANT A WOMAN I COULD GO,

"HEY, WHO WANTS A NOOGIE?"

>> DO YOU HAVE A WOMAN NOW,

THOUGH?

DARRELL,

DO YOU HAVE A WOMAN NOW?

>> DO I HAVE A WOMAN?

>> YEAH, YOU HAVE A WOMAN?

>> OR A LADY?

>> YEAH, I HAVE A LADY FRIEND.

SHE LEFT ME.

>> OH, THERE'S COMEDY

RIGHT THERE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU GOT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

>> YEAH, WHY DID SHE LEAVE YOU?

>> THERE'S YOUR JOKES--

>> THE REASON WHY SHE LEFT ME

BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T GIVE ME

NONE.

>> all: OH.

>> SHE WOULDN'T FUCK YOU?

>> THIS COULD BE A SONG,

NOT A JOKE.

I THINK--

I SEE A COUNTRY SONG HERE.

>> HE LOOKED LIKE A CAT

WHEN HE FELL IN THERE.

>> BY THE WAY,

DON'T YOU THINK THAT--

>> USUALLY YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR

PASTOR LOOKING AT YOU RIGHT NOW.

>> HOW LONG WERE YOU

GOING OUT WITH HER?

>> HE SEEMS VERY WELL MANNERED.

>> I WENT OUT WITH HER

FOR THREE YEARS,

THREE AND A HALF YEARS.

>> AND SHE NEVER ONCE PUT OUT,

NOT EVEN A HAND JOB?

>> BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME SHE SAID

SHE WAS SICK AND SHE SAID I

COULDN'T GET NONE, SO I WENT ON

AND LEFT HER.

>> FOR THREE YEARS?

>> I TOLD HER--

>> WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER?

>> MONO.

>> I DON'T KNOW

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER.

>> THREE YEARS, THREE YEARS?

>> THAT IS A LONG ILLNESS.

I AM STILL NOT--A LITTLE QUEASY.

>> WHAT DID YOU DO

FOR THREE YEARS?

[laughter]

>> THREE YEARS--

>> WAS SHE BEDRIDDEN?

APPARENTLY NOT.

>> NO, SHE WASN'T BEDRIDDEN.

>> NOT--NOT IN YOUR BED.

>> I MEAN, I THINK SHE MIGHT

HAVE BEEN MESSING AROUND WITH

ANOTHER--ANOTHER MAN.

>> CAN I SHARE SOMETHING

WITH YOU?

SEE, YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT

THE STUFF THAT'D REALLY

MAKE YOU FUNNY.

SEE, IF YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR

WOMAN AIN'T GIVE YOU NONE

ON STAGE AND PEOPLE BE SITTING

THERE LAUGHING AT YOU BECAUSE

THEY BE LIKE, "WELL,

I CAN SEE WHY," BUT YOU KNOW,

INSIDE, YOU MAD.

YOU KNOW?

YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT YOUR--

DON'T BE TALK ABOUT TAMMY FAYE

AND ALL THAT.

>> WELL, HE'S NOT STILL TALKING

ABOUT TAMMY FAYE.

>> I KNOW, BUT I'M JUST--

>> YOU DON'T LOSE

A BIT LIKE THAT.

[laughter]

>> CLASSIC COMEDY.

>> YOU JUST WROTE A JOKE

FOR HIM.

YOU WROTE A JOKE FOR HIM.

'CAUSE YOU SAID,

"SHE DOESN'T PUT OUT."

AND THEN HE GOES,

"YOU SAID SHE WAS SICK,"

AND HE GOES,

"WAS SHE BEDRIDDEN?"

AND YOU GO,

"SHE WASN'T IN MY BED."

OKAY, THERE YOU GO.

>> UH, WHEN YOU DID THE BIT

ABOUT BIRTH CONTROLS FOR MEN AND

YOU SAID, WE ARE--

"GUYS, WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE."

I DIDN'T GET THAT JOKE.

WHERE WERE YOU GOING

WITH THAT ONE?

>> THEY'LL MAKE US TAKE A PILL.

>> WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT THAT

MEN'S--THAT'S A MAN OVER IN

JAPAN THAT COME UP WITH

A BIRTH CONTROL PILL FOR MENS

TO STOP MENS FROM--

>> RIGHT, BUT WHY ARE WE IN BIG

TROUBLE BECAUSE OF THAT?

YOU GO, "MEN,

WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE."

>> 'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO

HAVE CHILDREN,

OR DO WE WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN?

>> ARE WE ALLOWED TO--

>> THAT'S A LOT OF MENS

HAVE A LOT OF KIDS.

>> RIGHT.

>> BUT THEY TRYING TO STOP IT

FROM HAPPENING.

>> SO WOULDN'T THAT BE GOOD?

WHY WOULD WE BE IN BIG TROUBLE?

>> AND WHY DO WE CALL IT MENS?

>> BECAUSE WE WANT

TO GET US SOME.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GET US SOME,

WE WANT TO HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?

>> MM, NOT SO MUCH.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO

HAVE KIDS FOR?

>> HOLD ON, NOW.

HE'S A RELIGIOUS MAN.

>> NOT SO MUCH.

>> HE WANT TO BE FRUITFUL

AND MULTIPLY.

THAT'S WHAT HE TRYING TO SAY.

>> HE'S TRYING TO BE FRUITFUL.

>> DON'T YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITHOUT HAVING KIDS?

>> DON'T YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE

A PERFECT JOKE IN THE

ALTERNATIVE ROOMS?

>> BUT IF YOU DON'T USE RUBBER,

YOU HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?

[laughter]

>> RIGHT, SO YOU HAVE THE PILL

AS A GOOD THING.

YOUR FAMILY EVER COME

WATCH YOU DO STANDUP?

THE SECOND TIME--

>> YOU KNOW HOW IT IS

WHEN THEY SO RELIGIOUS,

THEY DON'T EVEN BELIEVE

IN WALKING IN CLUBS AND STUFF.

THEY THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.

>> THEY DO.

>> YOU TELL 'EM YOU BEEN

IN A CLUB, THEY SAY,

"YOU GOING TO HELL.

GOD'S GONNA GET YOU!"

>> HEY, HEY, HEY,

I GOT ANOTHER BIT FOR YOU.

HEY, YOU KNOW, OKAY,

THAT'S FUNNY.

>> ONCE AGAIN.

>> MAKING ANDY LAUGH

IS NOT THE BEST THING.

>> YEAH, NOT GOOD.

IF HE LAUGHS, IT DOESN'T

MAKE THEM LAUGH ON THE TV SHOW.

OKAY, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.

WHO'S IN HELL?

THE GAYS, THE JEWS--

>> WHY ARE WE IN HELL

ALL OF A SUDDEN?

>> BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THEM--

I'M TELLING YOU, JEWS AND GAYS--

>> WAIT, ARE THE GAYS IN HELL?

>> YES.

>> I'M NOT TALKING

TO THE PRESBYTERIANS;

I'M TALKING TO THE BAPTIST.

>> BUT THEN GOD DESTROYED

SODOM AND GOMORRAH

BECAUSE OF HOMOSEXUALS.

>> YEAH, OKAY, WAIT, WAIT.

I'M TRYING TO STICK UP FOR--

AND THE JEWS ARE IN HELL.

>> THE LAW SAYS THAT THOU SHALT

NOT LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN,

WHICH IS WHY I HAVE SEX

STANDING UP NOW.

>> BUT--

>> BUT IT DON'T MAKE

NO DIFFERENCE.

YOU'RE STILL HAVING SEX

WHETHER YOU'RE LAYING...

>> I'M NOT LYING.

>> IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX.

[all groan]

>> WHOA.

BACK IT UP.

>> FINALLY SOME PASSION.

>> YOU'RE A SINNER.

>> SOME PASSION!

>> SODOM AND GOMORRAH WERE GAY?

>> YEAH, THAT'S WHY GOD

DESTROYED SODOM AND GOMORRAH.

>> SODOM AND GOMORRAH

WERE CITIES.

>> HOMOSEXUAL.

>> GAY CITIES?

THERE WERE GAY--

I'M WORKING THE CAMERA.

>> OKAY.

>> I'M THE ONLY ONE

WORKING THE CAMERA.

ALWAYS WORK THE CAMERA.

>> YOU AIN'T GONNA SAY THAT.

>> BUT WHEN YOU'RE HAVING SEX

WITH A MAN, YOU ONLY HAVE SEX

TWO WAYS: EITHER IN THE MOUTH

OR IN THE BUTT.

YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX--

>> I'VE BEEN TRYING TO WRITE HIM

JOKES, BUT HE WON'T LISTEN TO

ANY OF THEM.

>> I AM LISTENING TO YOU.

I'M LISTENING TO YOU NOW.

>> WE'RE RECORDING THEM.

>> OKAY.

HERE'S A JOKE.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ANOTHER JOKE.

SO MY FATHER'S A PASTOR,

YOU KNOW, WHATEVER, PREACHER.

AND IF I DO THIS,

I'M GONNA GO TO HELL.

'CAUSE-- PLAY THESE NIGHTCLUBS.

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE IN HELL

WITH THE JEWS AND THE GAYS,

WHICH WOULD BE GREAT, BECAUSE

THEY'LL DECORATE, WE'LL CATER,

YOU'LL ENTERTAIN.

IT'LL BE A GREAT PLACE TO BE

FROM NOW ON.

>> BUT SEE, BOBBY--

>> AND ALL REFERENCE TO IT.

>> SEE, THE THING IS--

>> TONY FIELDS?

>> THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT.

>> CAN I SPEAK ON YOUR BEHALF?

SEE, BEING A BROTHER, WE DON'T

KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT JEWS

AND THE GAY TECHNIQUES AND--

>> YOU DON'T KNOW A LOT

ABOUT A LOT OF SHIT.

>> YEAH, PROBABLY.

NO, BUT I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW--

I DIDN'T KNOW JEWS CATERED.

YOU KNOW?

I HAVEN'T HAD A JEW CATER.

MY GRANDMA USED TO CATER

OUR FAMILY--

>> THE DELIS.

>> IS THIS GONNA BE A SAD STORY

THAT ENDS WITH A FINGER

IN THE ASS?

>> DID YOUR GRANDMA COOK...

>> NO.

>> BEANS AND CORNBREAD?

>> WELL, SHE COOKED BEANS AND

CORNBREAD, BUT I'M JUST SAYING

HE TALKING ABOUT CATERING,

BUT FOLKS DON'T KNOW ABOUT

NO JEWISH CATERING.

WE WOULD NEVER EAT NO COLD-ASS

COLD CUTS.

WE GONNA EAT SOME FRIED CHICKEN.

>> WELL, AND THE GAYS WOULD MAKE

WITH THE DECORATING.

IT'S A STEREOTYPE BASED ON FACT.

>> NO.

SEE ONCE AGAIN, I'VE SEEN

SOME GAY PEOPLE THAT

CAN'T DECORATE NOTHING.

>> I'M ONE OF 'EM.

I CAN'T DECORATE, BUT YOUR EYES

REALLY ARE PRETTY.

>> THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

MY ADVICE IS--AND I'M SERIOUS--

YOU SHOULD JUST GET UP ON STAGE

AND THINK OF A JOKE TO OPEN UP

WITH AND A JOKE TO CLOSE WITH.

AND IF YOU CAN COME UP WITH

SOMETHING FUNNY TO OPEN, GET 'EM

LAUGHING AND LEAVE THEM LAUGHING

AND THEN DO ALL THAT,

WHATEVER YOU DO IN BETWEEN--

WHATEVER THAT IS--

>> THAT IN-BETWEEN SHOULD

JUST BE AROUND A MINUTE

AND A MINUTE AND A HALF.

>> THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO STRETCH AND

DO A MINUTE AND A HALF, FINE.

[laughter]

I'M THINKING, YOU KNOW, NOT

MAYBE THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME,

NOT RIGHT AWAY WHEN YOU WANT TO

DO A MARATHON, MINUTE,

MINUTE AND A HALF.

BUT WHATEVER.

I'M JUST SAYING, OPENING JOKE.

YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST JOKE TO

GET 'EM LAUGHING, AND THEN IF

THEY DON'T LAUGH, THEN YOU HAVE

YOUR CLOSING JOKE.

YOU HAVE A COUPLE OF JOKES

IN THERE.

>> MY ADVICE TO YOU WOULD BE,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO BLINK.

BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.

BECAUSE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE--

>> SHOW 'EM THAT YOU CAN BLINK.

>> RIGHT.

>> NO, NO, NOT THAT MUCH.

>> YEAH, JUST HALF THAT.

>> WELL, I'M BLINKING.

>> WELL, HALF OF THAT.

A LITTLE SLOWER.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT YOU

WERE STONED.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE

HIGH ON DRUGS,

ON THE POT.

DO YOU SMOKE POT?

>> I HAVE DONE IT ONCE

IN MY LIFE.

>> YOU KNOW YOU ON TV RIGHT NOW.

>> YES, I KNOW THAT.

BUT YOU ON TV TOO,

TALKING ABOUT YOU GAY.

>> THIS ALL I'LL SAY TO YOU.

NEVER LET YOUR TAPES

LEAK OUT TO YOUTUBE.

THAT'S THE FIRST THING.

DON'T LET 'EM LEAK OUT

TO YOUTUBE UNTIL YOU GET

SORT OF FUNNY.

AND THEN THE ONE THING I THINK--

LIKE HE SAID, YOU KNOW,

GET A GOOD BEGINNING.

AND THAT BEANS AND CORNBREAD,

I THINK THAT'S YOURS.

THAT'S YOURS, BABY.

TOSH DONE HOOKED YOU UP

WITH A HELL OF A NAME, BABY.

>> IT'S HARD TO TOP ANT'S

BLINKING ADVICE.

BUT IF I COULD,

I NOTICED THAT YOUR EARS

WERE VIBRATING A LITTLE BIT.

SO I WOULD FOCUS DURING THE

SET--AND I ALSO NOTICED THAT

ONE EARLOBE WAS HIGHER THAN THE

OTHER, SO DURING YOUR SET, YOU

SHOULD JUST CONCENTRATE ON

WHETHER YOUR EARS ARE PARALLEL

TO THE GROUND.

AND THEN OTHERWISE,

I THINK YOU'RE FUNNY.

I'M TELLING YOU, THE STUFF YOU

SAID AT THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE--

YOU JUST SAY WHATEVER

COMES TO YOUR MIND,

I'M TELLING YOU.

AND THEN JUST KEEP SAYING--

JUST KEEP SAYING BEANS AND--

AND IN THE DEAD TIME, JUST KEEP

GOING, "BEANS AND CORNBREAD."

>> IF YOU WANT TO MAKE ANOTHER

TAPE AND YOU WANT TO GET

A LOT OF NOTORIETY--SEX TAPE.

>> SEX TAPE.

>> SEX TAPE.

>> DARRELL, DO YOU THINK YOU GOT

SOME GOOD ADVICE TODAY?

>> YES, THE HELL I DID.

[laughter]

>> AND HE DIDN'T EVEN BLINK.

>> HE'S EDGY NOW.

HE'S EDGY.

>> HE DID NOT EVEN BLINK.

>> "YES, THE HELL I DID."

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

KNOCK KNOCK.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY,

"WHO'S THERE?"

WE'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

DARRELL, FIRST I WANT TO WELCOME

YOU BACKSTAGE TO THE

WORLD-FAMOUS HOLLYWOOD IMPROV.

THIS IS WHERE ALL THE GREATS

HAVE GOTTEN THEIR START.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

STAND-UP COMEDY?

>> I'VE BEEN DOING STAND-UP

COMEDY FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS.

>> WELL, HOW OLD IS THAT VIDEO?

>> EIGHT OR NINE YEARS OLD.

>> AND DID YOU PUT IT ONLINE?

>> YES, SIR, I DID.

>> WHEN DID YOU KNOW THAT IT

BECAME REALLY POPULAR?

>> WELL, WHEN I GOT A CALL, THEY

WANTED ME TO FLY OUT HERE TO LOS

ANGELES, AND I SAID, "OH,

[BLEEP]."

I SAID, "I GOT SOMETHING GOING

ON NOW."

>> THAT TAPE THAT WAS ONLINE,

WAS THAT IN FRONT OF A LIVE

AUDIENCE?

>> NO, THAT'S AT A -- THAT'S

LIKE A PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL,

LIKE, CARL'S STORE CABLE IN

BOWLING GREEN, KENTUCKY, AND

ANYBODY CAN GET ON THERE.

>> SO THAT WAS A TELEVISED

PERFORMANCE?

>> YES, SIR.

>> THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

WAS THAT YOUR FIRST TIME?

>> YES, SIR.

>> GOOD FOR YOU.

I DID STAND-UP FOR PROBABLY

SEVEN YEARS BEFORE I EVER TRIED

IT ON TELEVISION.

YOU WENT THE OTHER WAY.

OKAY, YOUR STRENGTHS HAVE TO BE

YOUR SET-UPS.

YOUR PUNCH-LINES SEEM TO BE

COMPLETELY NONEXISTENT.

DO YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT?

>> I DO.

I WORRY A LOT ABOUT IT.

>> DID YOU EVER READ ANY OF THE

COMMENTS PEOPLE WROTE ABOUT YOU?

>> YES, I READ A LOT, AND IT WAS

VERY DISTURBING.

YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE COMMENTS,

THEY WASN'T TOO -- THEY REALLY

MADE ME FEEL BAD, YOU KNOW.

>> THE WORST PART ABOUT BEING A

STAND-UP COMEDIAN IS THE TRAVEL.

ARE YOU GOOD AT TRAVELING?

>> YEAH, WHEN I GOT MONEY.

>> WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO EAT WHEN

YOU'RE ON THE ROAD?

>> MY FAVORITE FOOD IS BEANS AND

CORNBREAD.

I LOVE BEANS AND CORNBREAD,

'CAUSE I'M JUST A COUNTRY BOY,

YOU KNOW.

I LOVE BEANS AND CORNBREAD,

'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG

WITH BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

IT FILLS YOU UP, YOU KNOW, SO I

JUST LOVE THEM BEANS AND

CORNBREAD.

>> TELL ME HOW YOU CAME UP WITH

THE NAME WORLD OF PICTURES.

>> WELL, BECAUSE FOR ONE THING,

I WAS IN THE PICTURES AND I WAS

IN THE WORLD, SO THAT'S THE

REASON WHY I CAME UP WITH IT,

THE WORLD OF PICTURES.

>> WHAT ABOUT WORKING ON A

CATCHPHRASE?

DO YOU THINK THAT COULD BE

SOMETHING THAT MAYBE WOULD WORK

IN YOUR ACT?

>> I THINK IT WOULD.

>> YOUR CATCHPHRASE COULD BE

BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

JUST AFTER EACH JOKE, JUST GO,

"BEANS AND CORNBREAD."

WE'RE GONNA HEAD OVER TO THE

FRIAR'S CLUB, DARRELL, SO YOU

CAN MEET A BUNCH OF GREAT

STAND-UP COMEDIANS AND THEY CAN

GIVE YOU ADVICE.

FIRST OF ALL, EVERYBODY, I

WANTED YOU TO MEET DARRELL.

>> HI, DARRELL.

>> FIRST OF ALL, I THINK YOU

SHOULD START OUT WITH A JOKE TO

BREAK THE ICE.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF

CHANGING YOUR FIRST NAME TO "I

REALLY"?

>> "I REALLY"?

>> I REALLY BLUETT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> TELL THEM WHAT I THOUGHT YOUR

CATCHPHRASE SHOULD BE.

>> BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

>> OH, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>> THERE, THERE!

THAT'S THE NAME, RIGHT THERE!

>> WHEN YOU DID THE BIT ABOUT

BIRTH CONTROL FOR MEN AND YOU

SAID WE ARE -- GUYS WERE IN BIG

TROUBLE, I DIDN'T GET THAT JOKE.

WHERE WERE YOU GOING WITH IT?

>> BECAUSE WE WANT TO GET US

SOME.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GET US SOME,

WE GONNA HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?

>> NOT SO MUCH.

>> YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS

FOR?

EVERYTHING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE

TRUE.

YOU CAN EMBELLISH STUFF.

YOU CAN TALK ABOUT YOUR DOG,

EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.

YOU CAN WALK DOWN THE STREET AND

JUST SEE SOMETHING AND GO --

PRETEND THAT'S YOUR LIFE, YOU

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> HEY, BROTHER, YOU KNOW, ONE

THING ABOUT COMEDY THEY FORGET

TO TELL YOU, IT TAKES MORE GUTS

THAN TALENT TO GET ON A STAGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

>> MY ADVICE TO YOU WOULD BE,

UM, YOU MIGHT WANT TO BLINK.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT YOU

WERE STONED.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIGH ON

DRUGS.

DO YOU SMOKE POT?

>> I HAVE DONE IT ONCE IN MY

LIFE.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ON TV RIGHT

NOW.

>> YES, I KNOW THAT, BUT YOU'RE

ON TV TOO, TALKING ABOUT YOU'RE

GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S HARD TO TOP ANT'S

BLINKING ADVICE.

AND THEN OTHERWISE, I THINK

YOU'RE FUNNY.

I'M TELLING YOU, THE STUFF YOU

SAID AT THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE,

YOU JUST SAY WHATEVER COMES TO

YOUR MIND.

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BE

A --

>> WE'RE GONNA WORK -- WE'RE

GONNA WORK ON IT TODAY.

WE'RE GONNA WRITE SOME MATERIAL,

AND WE'RE GONNA TRY SOME

DIFFERENT GENRES OF COMEDY.

I THINK A LOT OF THE ADVICE WAS

VERY HELPFUL.

>> I THINK I GOT GREAT ADVICE.

WHY DO M&MS COME IN DIFFERENT

COLORS?

THEY ALL TASTE THE SAME.

MY AGENT SENT ME ON AN AUDITION.

IN THE WAITING ROOM, THEY WAS

PLAYING ARCADE FIRE.

WHO LISTENS TO THAT BAND

ANYMORE?

THIS CLUB IS FOR TIGER WOODS.

IT HELPS HIM CONCENTRATE.

[MOTOR-BOATING]

I BELIEVE THAT THE OLYMPICS ARE

RACIST.

HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN SPEED

WALKING?

WHAT'S NEXT?

THE SHORT JUMP?

YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORSTEST THING

ABOUT A FAMILY REUNION IS, IS

SEEING ALL YOUR EXES.

OOH-WHEE, BUDDY.

>> DARRELL, I THINK WE REALLY

FOUND YOUR VOICE OUT THERE.

BUT WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU IS

DARRELL BEING DARRELL.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

>> YES, I AM.

>> WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET THAT

SHOT ON THE GREATEST TALK SHOW

OF ALL TIME.

>> IT'S ARSENIO HALL!

>> WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL

RECREATION OF THE ARSENIO HALL

SHOW.

LET'S FIND OUT WHO THE DOG POUND

IS TONIGHT.

THERE THEY ARE.

>> WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO!

>> THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO WISH

THE JEFF DUNHAM SHOW WAS STILL

ON THE AIR.

>> NO, NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT WE

ARE.

>> MY FIRST GUEST IS A YOUNG

COMIC WHO IS TAKING THE COUNTRY

BY STORM.

HE'S MAKING HIS NETWORK

TELEVISION DEBUT RIGHT HERE,

RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE WELCOME MR. DARRELL

BLUETT.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK

YOU.

I WENT TO THE MALL AND THERE WAS

THIS REAL FAT WHITE LADY TRYING

ON A MICKEY MOUSE SHIRT.

I'M A BLACK GUY, AND EVEN I

THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS TOO FAT.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS SO FAT, WHEN SHE PUT THE

SHIRT ON, MICKEY MOUSE GOT

DIABETES.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, MICKEY HAD A CAMEL TOE.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "YOU NEED A TOP,

HONEY.

GET OVER TO THE SPORTS CHALET

CAMPING SECTION."

BEANS AND CORNBREAD!

BEANS AND CORNBREAD!

BEANS AND CORNBREAD!

THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> HE IS NOT THE WORST!

HE'S NOT THE WORST!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> YOU HAVE A SEAT RIGHT HERE.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

YOU'VE BEEN IN HOLLYWOOD.

YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON YOUR

CRAFT.

HOW HAS THIS TOTAL EXPERIENCE

BEEN FOR YOU?

>> OH, IT'S BEEN AWESOME, MAN.

IT'S BEEN GREAT.

AND MEETING YOU, IT'S EVEN BEEN

EVEN BETTER, YOU KNOW.

DREAMS CAN COME TRUE, AND

PRAYER, YOU KNOW, DO CHANGE

THINGS, YOU KNOW.

>> IT DOES.

AND YOU KEEP WORKING HARD ON

YOUR CRAFT.

TOUCH THAT.

YOU'RE NUMBER ONE, BROTHER, IN

MY BOOK.

WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

NOW IT'S TIME FOR A TYLER PERRY

ORIGINAL, MADEA GOES TO THE

PLAYGROUND.

[INDISTINCT AUDIO]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

SHE'S HIGHER THAN HER

CHOLESTEROL LEVEL.

LET'S WATCH GRAVITY DO SOME OF

ITS BEST WORK IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN BASED ON THE NOVEL

PUSH BY SAPPHIRE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PLAYGROUNDS IN CLEVELAND AREN'T

VERY CHEERFUL THESE DAYS.

BUT THAT'S NOT GONNA STOP

MONIQUE AND HER WHITE BOYFRIEND

FROM USING THE SWING.

I'M IMPRESSED HE'S ABLE TO PUSH

HER.

MOST PEOPLE WOULD AVOID HER

SWINGING TOWARD THEM LIKE THE

BOULDER FROM INDIANA JONES.

[LAUGHTER]

NOTICE, THEY HAD TO BRING THEIR

CHAPERONE TO SIT ON TOP OF THE

SWING TO ANCHOR IT TO THE EARTH.

[LAUGHTER]

I AM GONNA POINT OUT THAT HE'S

BLACK, SO I ASSUME HE JUMPED UP

THERE.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

OH!

EVERY PLAYGROUND NEEDS A

"FATAPULT."

[LAUGHTER]

UH-OH.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE LOST THEIR

HAPPY THOUGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

[SCREAMS]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

>> SORRY, HAITI.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S AT LEAST AN 8.2.

[LAUGHTER]

HER ASS IS BUILT FOR CRASH

LANDINGS, AND LUCKILY, HER BLACK

BOX LOOKS RECOVERABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OOH!

UH-OH.

YOU OKAY?

>> UHH!

THERE GOES HER HAIR.

[LAUGHTER]

HER WEAVE JUST UNWOVE.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S WARREN

SAPP.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO GET THEIR

"HURR" DID.

LET'S SEE IT AGAIN.

[SCREAMS]

>> OOH!

UH-OH.

YOU OKAY?

>> SHE LOOKS FINE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF AMELIA EARHART PROVED

ANYTHING, IT'S THAT WOMEN ARE

TERRIBLE AT FLYING.

AND IF THIS VIDEO PROVED

ANYTHING, IT'S THAT JUNGLE GYM

FEVER CAN STILL BE DANGEROUS.

AND FOR THAT, WE SAY, "OH, NO,

HE DIDN'T."

THERE'S A GOOD POSSIBILITY THIS

NEXT GUY IS GIVING IT TO YOUR

MOTHER.

>> HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY YOU'VE

BEEN HERE?

>> 40 TIMES.

>> 40 TIMES.

WHY?

I MEAN, WHY?

WHAT BRINGS YOU TO HEDONISM THAT

MANY TIMES?

>> THE WILD WOMEN, THE WILD

WOMEN.

THE RIPPING AND THE TEARING, THE

RIPPING AND THE TEARING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THEN AROUND 6:00, IT'S TIME

FOR THE SLEEPING AND THE

SNORING, THE SLEEPING AND THE

SNORING.

ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED A GUY

IN A SPEEDO IS BEING CREEPY?

DON'T THROW OUT YOUR BACK, RICK.

YOU NEED THAT FOR THE RIPPING

AND THE TEARING.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

THIS IS THE MOST HONEST CIALIS

COMMERCIAL I'VE EVER SEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THE WILD WOMEN, THE WILD

WOMEN.

THE RIPPING AND THE TEARING, THE

RIPPING AND THE TEARING.

>> GIVE ME THAT.

>> MOM WANTS TO KNOW WHAT TIME

YOU WANT TO HAVE LUNCH.

ARE YOU RIPPING AND TEARING?

NOT WITHOUT ME, YOU'RE NOT.

>> WHOA!

[LAUGHTER]

WHY COULDN'T THE MOVIE "COUPLES

RETREAT" BE THIS ENTERTAINING?

BEFORE WE GO, PEOPLE ARE STILL

PRETTY UPSET AT LEBRON JAMES FOR

GOING TO MY BELOVED MIAMI HEAT,

AND THEY'RE LETTING HIM KNOW ON

TWITTER.

BECAUSE MY TWITTER FANS ARE

ALWAYS MAD AT ME, I THOUGHT I'D

SHOW YOU SOME REAL TWEETS AND

WE'D GUESS IF THEY'RE TO ME OR

TO LEBRON.

[READING ALOUD]

HOPE YOU SNAP YOUR THUMB AND

[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW THAT'S TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]

LEBRON? WHAT?

WHY WOULD HE HAVE HIS THUMBS IN

WADE'S BUTT?

THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

>> I'M CARRYING YOUR BABY.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S GOT TO BE

LEBRON.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS HAVE HUGE

LITTERS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S MINE?

ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

SEE YOU IN COURT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SO OVER YOU AND YOUR SUPERIOR

ATTITUDE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S FAIR.

THAT'S LEBRON.

AH, I'M RIGHT.

OF COURSE I AM.

I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU HAVE A --

[LAUGHTER]

WHO IS IT?

AAH!

THAT IS NO WAY TO TELL ME,

DOCTOR.

[LAUGHTER]

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO

DOCTOR-PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY?

HE'S USING TWITTER!

HEY, DANIEL, YOU GOT AIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

SEMI-COLON, FROWNY FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

WILL I FIND YOU, SHOVE A

CHAINSAW UP YOUR [BLEEP] AND

TURN IT ON AND KILL YOU.

WOW!

THEY ARE REALLY MAD AT LEBRON.

ME?

WELL, GOOD LUCK, BECAUSE A

CHAINSAW IS REALLY HARD TO

START.

YOU'RE GONNA BE IN MY B-HOLE FOR

AN HOUR.

[LAUGHTER]

GETTING THAT OIL-GAS RATIO,

PULLING THE CHOKE OUT.

UNLESS YOU HAVE AN ELECTRIC

CHAINSAW, AND THAT'S NOT GONNA

KILL ME.

THAT'S GONNA FEEL GREAT.

THIS NEXT VIDEO'S REALLY STRONG.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

ISN'T BRA SHOPPING JUST A

NIGHTMARE, LADIES?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK SO YOU LOSERS AT

HOME DON'T GO, "THERE WASN'T 20

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK THIS WEEK."

[LAUGHTER]

CHECK OUT THOSE WASHBOARD

TITTIES.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A SOLID FOOT AND A HALF

OF CLEAVAGE.

SHE'S GOT THE SITUATION ON HER

JUGS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LESS DISGUSTING THAT

MADONNA'S VEINY BODY.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

"BUT MADONNA'S 50."

SHE'S STILL DISGUSTING.

[LAUGHTER]

TO MOTORBOAT THOSE THINGS, I'D

RECOMMEND A MOTORBOAT.

[LAUGHTER]

AN EVINRUDE.

250 HORSEPOWER OUTBOARD.

THAT'LL GET YOU TO YOUR FAVORITE

FISHING HOLE IN A HURRY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> LISTEN, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

[CAN CLATTERS]

[BELCHES]

HE'S KILLING THEM.

>> LOOK AT HIM CATCH UP.

FILLIN' UP.

[CAN CLATTERS]

>> LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A

DRINKING CONTEST HERE.

16 BEERS VERSUS ONE PLUS-SIZE

CAT BURGLAR.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE THOSE ODDS.

NOW LET'S PLAY "GUESS WHAT

HAPPENS NEXT."

[AUDIENCE OHS]

HE PUKED.

BUT CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS

NEXT?

[CAN CLATTERS]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

KEEP YOUR CHINS UP, BUDDY.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, DID YOU GUESS THAT HE'D

FINALLY MANAGE TO KEEP ONE DOWN?

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

HE CLOSES OUT WITH ONE FINAL

BLAST OF VOMIT, AND THAT'S HOW

YOU PLAY "GUESS WHAT HAPPENS

NEXT."

THAT'S GOT TO FILL OUR PUKE

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