March 8, 2011 - Phil Davison

  • 03/08/2011

Daniel halts spam mail and beats a world record; Phil Davison visits for a political Web Redemption.

[dramatic music]>> FROM NBC NEWS IN WASHINGTON,

MEET THE PRESSWITH DAVID GREGORY.

>> THIS IS DANIEL TOSHFILLING IN FOR DAVID GREGORY.

AND IF IT'S SUNDAY,IT'S MEET THE PRESS.

TODAY WE HAVE A VERY IMPORTANTGUEST, THE MAN WHO WAS ALMOST

STARK COUNTY'S TREASURER,PHIL DAVISON.

>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

>> PHIL, NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU AS WELL.

>> HOW CLOSE TO WINNINGTHAT ELECTION WERE YOU?

>> NOT CLOSE AT ALL.

THEY HAD A VOTE.

THE VOTE WASN'T RELEASED,BUT I WAS TOLD I LOST

SUBSTANTIALLY.

SO I DIDN'T WIN.

>> DO YOU THINK, HAD YOUAPOLOGIZED FOR YOUR TONE,

YOU MIGHT HAVE GOTTENMORE VOTES?

>> I MIGHT HAVE GOTTENMORE VOTES IF I'D APOLOGIZED

FOR MY TONE.

>> NOW, EVEN THOUGH YOUR SPEECHWAS KIND OF, UH, AWFUL,

DO YOU THINK YOU STILLCAME ACROSS MORE INTELLIGENT

THAN SARAH PALIN?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I WOULD SAY I HOPE SO,BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T SAY WORDS

LIKE, "YOU BETCHA"AND "MAMA GRIZZLIES."

I DON'T HAVE THOSE CATCHPHRASES.

>> SHE'S GOT A GREAT SMILE TOO.

>> AND SHE'S GOTTHOSE NICE GLASSES.

>> THE GLASSES ARE CUTE.

>> THEY MAKE HER WORK.

>> MAKE HER LOOK LIKEA PORN STAR.

>> YEAH, I KNOW.

>> LIKE SHE'S GONNATAKE IT DOWN.

>> YEAH. [laughs]>> WAS THAT THE FIRST TIME

YOU EVER GAVE A SPEECH?

>> UH, IN THAT SETTING, YES.

>> WAS THAT THE FIRST TIMETHAT YOU HAD READ THAT SPEECH?

>> NO, I HAD PRACTICED ITSEVERAL TIMES TO MYSELF.

IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HADREAD IT OUT IN PUBLIC

FOR DOCUMENTATION.

>> SEE, 'CAUSE MY THEORYWAS THAT THAT SPEECH

WAS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS.

>> NO, IT WAS NOT.

IT WAS NOT WRITTENIN ALL CAPS.

PARTS OF IT WERE, LIKE,"MY NAME IS PHIL DAVISON!"

>> WELL, YOU GOTTA SCREAM IT.

>> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

AND THAT'S WHAT I DID.

>> TELL ME ABOUT GIVINGTHAT SPEECH.

I MEAN, YOU SEEMEDVERY PASSIONATE.

>> YEAH, I GOT EXCITED ABOUT IT.

I GOT UP THERE, AND I SAID,"THE HELL WITH IT."

THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLEIN THE AUDIENCE.

THEY WERE SCARED.

BUT I GOT UP THERE, AND I SAID,YOU KNOW, "THIS IS HOW

I SEE IT."

>> DID YOU EVER LOSE YOUR COOL?

>> IN THAT SPEECH?

YES, I LOST CONTROLSEVERAL TIMES.

MANY TIMES.

IT DATES BACK TO MY BRINGING UPAS AN '80s CHILD.

YOU KNOW, I GREW UPWITH ATARI AND TELEVISION,

MICHAEL JACKSON.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHO I AM.

AND, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SAY,"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO

WITH YOUR LIFE, PHIL?"I USE THE TWISTED SISTER LINE...

"I WANT TO ROCK."

YOU FORGOT THAT?

>> NO, I DIDN'T.

I NEVER KNEW IT.

WHILE YOU WERE UP THERE,DID YOU THINK,

"OH, THIS IS GOING WELL"?

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS, YES.

AS THE SPEECH WENT ALONGAND PEOPLE STARTED LEAVING

THE ROOM AND PUTTINGTHEIR HEADS DOWN, I STARTED

TO REALIZE THINGS MIGHT BEIN ABANDON SHIP MODE.

>> DO YOU HAVEANY POLITICAL GOALS?

>> UH, NO, JUST TO BASICALLYGET OUT THERE.

AND I LOVE GENERATION "X"AND GENERATION "Y,"

PEOPLE 45 AND 50 OR UNDER.

I THINK THAT'S WHO I ATTACH TOAND WHO HAVE VIEWED MY SPEECH.

STRANGELY ENOUGH,THE PEOPLE FROM 50 DOWN

LIKED MY SPEECH.

THE PEOPLE FROM 50 UP HATED IT.

>> ACCORDING TO TELEVISION,ANYTHING ABOVE 49

IS MEANINGLESS.

>> YEAH, I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

MOST PEOPLE THINK I'M GAYAFTER THE SPEECH ANYHOW.

>> WHY DO THEY THINK YOU'RE GAY?

>> BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOTTHIS PENT-UP FRUSTRATION

AND ENERGY.

>> I'LL BE HONEST;WATCHING YOUR SPEECH,

THE LAST THING I WAS THINKINGWAS, "THIS GUY IS GAY."

>> OH, REALLY?

COOL, THANKS.

WHAT'D YOU THINK OF THE SPEECH?

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS WONDERFUL.

>> DID YOU REALLY? THANKS.

>> I MEAN-->> I LET 'EM HAVE IT, MAN.

>> I WAS SO HAPPY.

WHAT DO YOU DO CURRENTLYFOR A LIVING?

>> I'M A COUNCILMAN IN MINERVA.

I MAKE ABOUT $260 A MONTH.

THAT'S MY PRIMARY SOURCEOF INCOME.

>> LET'S TAKE A LOOKAT YOUR SPEECH FOR A SECOND.

>> SURE.

I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREEIN SOCIOLOGY,

A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN HISTORY,A MASTER'S DEGREE

IN PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION...

AND A MASTER'S DEGREEIN COMMUNICATION!

>> DO YOU THINK IT'S WEIRDTHAT YOU STUMBLED OVER THE PART

WHERE YOU TALKED ABOUTYOUR COMMUNICATIONS DEGREE?

>> THAT AND THE FACTTHAT I GAVE MY MOST FAVORITE

LINE IN HISTORYAND I FUCK IT ALL UP.

>> WHAT OTHER FAVORITE QUOTESDO YOU HAVE?

>> A FLUTE WITHOUT HOLESIS NOT A FLUTE, BUT...

A BAGEL WITHOUT--A DONUT--I BLEW IT.

I BLEW IT AGAIN.

>> A DONUT WITHOUT A HOLEIS A WHAT?

>> A DANISH.

>> HOW ARE YOU ONLY MAKING-->> 260 A MONTH.

THEY WON'T EVEN PICK ME UPIN OHIO.

THEY WON'T EVEN GIVE MEA GOD DAMN JOB.

ISN'T THAT A SHAME?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

>> WHAT?

>> A CABLE ACCESS SHOW.

HOW ARE YOU WITH KIDS?

>> GOOD.

I'M NOT A MEMBER OF NAMBLAOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

BUT I'VE DONE THE VERY BESTI CAN.

I HAVE A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD NIECEAND A THREE-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW.

>> ARE YOU THE CRAZY UNCLE?

>> A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.

AFTER THE SPEECH CAME OUT,I NOTICED THERE'S BEEN

A LITTLE BIT OF STAYING AWAYFROM THE KIDS NOW.

>> DO YOU READ THE COMMENTSTHAT PEOPLE POST ON YOUTUBE?

>> YEAH, THEY'RE NASTY.

MOST PEOPLE THINKI'M A CRYSTAL METH THING.

>> HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANY DRUGS?

>> YES.

>> WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE DRUGS?

>> IN ORDER OF MY PREFERENCE,MARIJUANA, LSD, ECSTASY,

MUSHROOMS, AND THEN I'M GONNATHROW WHIPPETS IN AS A DRUG,

EVEN THOUGH THEY MAY NOT BE.

>> WHAT ABOUT ALCOHOL?

>> I'M NOT A DRINKER.

>> GOOD FOR YOU.

HAVE YOU EVER LIVED IN A VANDOWN BY THE RIVER?

>> NO.

>> SUPER DAVE OSBORNE.

YOU SOUND A LITTLE BIT LIKE HIM.

>> YEAH, I'VE BEEN TOLD THATOR RIC FLAIR.

>> OOH!

>> YEAH, WHOO!

AND THEN HE GOES, "IF YOU WANTTO BE THE BEST, YOU'VE GOT

TO BEAT THE BEST!">> WISER WORDS HAVE NEVER

BEEN SAID ON THIS SHOW.

>> I LOVE RIC FLAIR.

>> HOW DO YOU THINK YOU COULDBEAT BARACK OBAMA IN 2012?

>> OH, JUST SIMPLY BY GETTINGTHE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY

UNITED.

WE NEED TO PULL TOGETHER.

WE NEED--I DON'T CARE IF YOU'REWHITE, BLACK, GAY, STRAIGHT,

YOUNG, OLD, TRANSGENDER,HISPANIC, PACIFIC RIM--

WE CAN ALL PULL TOGETHERAND CHANGE THIS COUNTRY.

WE NEED TO-->> THERE'S A LOT OF WEIRD PEOPLE

THAT WERE IN FRONT OF"HISPANIC."

>> [laughs]>> JUST IF YOU'RE GONNA

PUT THEM IN AN ORDER, I JUST--JUST WANTED TO POINT THAT OUT.

>> I'M SORRY I LOST IT.

THAT WAS FUNNY.

>> WHAT'S YOUR STANCEON ABORTION?

>> I'M PRO-CHOICE.

I WILL NEVER BE PRO-LIFE.

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE AN ABORTION,HAVE ONE.

>> I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

>> GO AHEAD, BROTHER.

>> HAVING HEARD EVERYTHING,I HAVE ONE REAL QUESTION.

WHY AREN'T YOU A DEMOCRAT?

>> I WALKED IN TO THE BOARDOF ELECTIONS IN 1996.

I WANTED TO RUN FOR OFFICE.

THE ONLY THING OPENWAS REPUBLICAN CLERK OF COURTS,

SO I RAN, AND I'VE BEEN WORK--YOU KNOW, RUNNING EVER SINCE.

I DID WORK FOR A REPUBLICANJUDGE FOR NINE YEARS.

>> YOUR LIFE CHOICES SEEM TO BEA CLEAR-CUT--A MORE LIBERAL.

>> OH, I'M THE BIGGEST LIBERALON EARTH.

YOU CAN'T BE MORE LIBERALTHAN ME.

>> OKAY.

>> I DIDN'T MEAN TO TAKE THISINTO A POLITICAL VENTURE.

>> NO, THIS IS WHAT IT'SSUPPOSED TO BE.

>> IT'S A COMEDY SHOW.

>> NO, IT'S NOT.

>> NO-- [laughs]>> WHAT WOULD YOU SAY

IF TOSH.0 WERE TO SPONSORA CAMPAIGN FOR YOU TO RUN

FOR PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

>> OH, DAMN IT, WE'D RUN HIGHTO WASHINGTON, D.C.

DAVISON-TOSH 2012.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M NOT GONNA BE ON THE TICKET.

I JUST WANT TO RUN THE CAMPAIGN.

I HAVE FUCKED A LOT OFDIRTY PEOPLE.

>> [laughs] THAT'S OKAY.

>> THAT WILL COME OUT.

>> NO, IT WON'T.

I'VE DONE THINGS FAR WORSETHAN THAT; TRUST ME.

WHATEVER YOU'VE DONE,I'VE DONE TEN TIMES WORSE.

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> ANYTHING YOU CAN PUTON THIS TABLE,

I CAN TOP IT EASILY.

>> I'D LIKE YOU TO ANNOUNCERIGHT HERE TODAY

ON MEET THE PRESS THAT YOUWOULD LIKE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICAIN 2012.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--COME HERE.

DANIEL TOSH AND I ARE GOINGTO ANNOUNCER THAT DANIEL TOSH

IS GONNA BEMY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN MANAGER

AND I'M GONNA RUN FOR PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES IN 2012.

AND YOU HEARD IT HEREON COMEDY CENTRAL ON TOSH.0.

>> WHOO!

>> HELL, YEAH!

>> PHIL, WE'VE BEEN OFF THE AIRFOR ABOUT 25 SECONDS.

>> WHO IN HERE HAS NEVER SEEN"MR. HANDS"?

OKAY, SO THERE--OKAY,THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE.

"MR. HANDS" IS A VIDEOWHERE A GUY FUCKS A HORSE.

I'M SORRY. I--I'M SORRY, WHERE A HORSE

FUCKS A MAN.

AND IT'S A FAMOUS VIDEO ONLINE,AND THE GUY DIES.

OH, ARE YOU JUST NOW AWARETHAT THE INTERNET HAS

HORRIBLE THINGS ON IT?

IT WAS A LOOPHOLEIN THE BESTIALITY LAWS

IN THE STATE OF WASHINGTON.

THERE WAS A FARM WHERE PEOPLEWOULD GO TO HAVE SEX WITH

ANIMALS, MOSTLY SMALL ANIMALS--CHICKENS, THINGS LIKE THAT.

ONE DAY, A NEW GUY SHOWED UP,AND HE'S LIKE,

"I WANT TO BANG A HORSE."

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA."

BUT THE CUSTOMER'S ALWAYS RIGHT.

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "SADDLE UP."

ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGHSTROKE ONE, THEY REALIZE,

"OH, THIS IS A BAD IDEA."

BUT IT'S, LIKE, SHOT WITH, LIKE,A BLACK LIGHT CAMERA.

YOU CAN WATCH IT.

JUST GOOGLE "MR. HANDS,"AND SIT DOWN AND ENJOY.

AND THEY'RE--HE'S LIKE--

IT'S A BIG WIENER, BIG WIE--AND IT JUST--OH.

AND THEN YOU CAN TELL--AND THEN STROKE TWO, LIKE,

THE HORSE FINISHES, THANKFULLY,AND YOU HEAR THE AUDIO

OF THE GUY.

'CAUSE THERE'S A GUY FILMINGAND THEN THE GUY THAT'S

TAKING IT, AND HE'S LEANING UPAGAINST SOMETHING AND THERE'S

A HUGE HORSE BEHIND HIM,WHICH IS SCARY.

AND HE LEANS OVER HIS SHOULDER,AND HE'S LIKE, "DID HE COME?"

WHICH IS REALLY GENEROUS, LIKE,THAT THAT WAS HIS FIRST THOUGHT.

ANYWAY, THEY RUSHED HIM TO AHOSPITAL IN SEATTLE SOMEWHERE,

AND HE DIED THE NEXT DAY.

OH, AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE,"DON'T TELL."

AND BY THE WAY, THEY CHANGED THELAWS IN THE STATE OF WASHINGTON

BECAUSE OF THIS FAMOUS VIDEO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SOME OF YOUDON'T KNOW THIS.

WHATEVER.

YOU COULD READ THE ARTICLES.

IT'S FASCINATING.

OKAY, THAT'S ONE VIDEOYOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT.

NEXT VIDEO, "CHURCH OF FUDGE."

HAS ANYBODY NOT SEEN"CHURCH OF FUDGE"?

OKAY, MORE PEOPLE HAVE NOT SEEN"CHURCH OF FU"--

I'M SURPRISED.

"CHURCH OF FUDGE" IS A PLAY.

TWO ADULT ACTORS,A MALE AND A FEMALE.

ONE'S DRESSED LIKE A PRIEST.

ONE'S DRESSED LIKE A NUN.

AND IT MAKES "2 GIRLS 1 CUP"SEEM TAME.

[audience groans]HE VIOLENTLY DEFECATES IN HER

MOUTH, AND IT--BUT IT, LIKE,OVERFILLS HER MOUTH.

SHE CAN'T HANDLE ALL OF IT.

AND SHE'S CONS--"IT'S TOO MUCH.

IT'S TOO MUCH."

BUT SHE'S DRESSED LIKE A NUN,AND HE'S A PRIEST.

IT'S BAD. IT'S AWFUL.

IT'S ROUGH. IT'S--OKAY, THAT'S ANOTHER VIDEO.

IT'S SHOT PRETTY WELL.

THERE'S ACTUALLY MUSICBEHIND THAT ONE TOO.

OKAY, WHO HAS NEVER SEEN"SHAKE THAT BEAR"?

OKAY, SOME OF YOU--A LOT OF YOU HAVE SEEN IT.

BY THE WAY, WHO'S SEENALL THREE OF THESE VIDEOS?

RAISE YOUR HAND SO WE CANSTARE AT THESE FREAKS.

NOBODY IN THIS AUDIENCE HAS SEENALL THREE OF THOSE VIDEOS?

HUH.

THOSE ARE ICONS.

"SHAKE THAT BEAR" IS REA--NOW, THIS ONE'S ARTSY.

THIS IS, LIKE, A COLLEGE FREAK.

'CAUSE IT STARTS WITH THIS WOMANWHO JUST HAS A SHOTGUN,

AND SHE'S AIMING IT,AND SHE SHOOTS AND KILLS A BEAR

THAT'S IN A TREE,AND THE BEAR FALLS TO THE GROUND

DEAD.

THEN THE VERY NEXT SHOT IS HER--I'M GONNA SAY BOYFRIEND

HAVING SEX WITH HERON TOP OF THE DEAD BEAR

THAT SHE JUST KILLED,AND HE'S YELLING,

"SHAKE THAT BEAR.

SHAKE THAT BEAR."

OKAY? RIGHT.

AND THEN IT GOES TO ANOTHERSCENE WHERE THERE'S JUST A BUNCH

OF DOGS RIPPING THE BEARTO SHREDS.

I KNOW. IT'S HORR--I DIDN'T MAKE THESE.

OKAY, NOW YOU HAVE THE PROPERCONTEXT FOR WHAT WE'RE ABOUT

TO SHOW YOU.

MY NAME IS BILL DAVISON AND I'M

THINKING SEEKING OUR PARTY'S

NOMINATION.

I HAVE BEEN A REPUBLICAN.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS.

TELL YOUR NEIGHBORS.

TELL ANDY GONZALEZ.

I WILL HIT THE GROUND RUNNING.

NOW THAT IS HOW YOU ROCK THE

VOTE, BY SHOTGUNNING A GALLON OF

5 HOUR ENERGY.

THAT'S PHIL DAVISON, AND HE

FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE

OF PUBLIC SPEAKING: TRY NOT TO

LOOK LIKE A LUNATIC.

RUNNING FOR STARK COUNTY

TREASURER IN THE SWING STATE OF

OHIO WOULD PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF

LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS.

I'M NO POLITICAL EXPERT, BUT I

HAVE SEEN

DAVE, WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT,

FIRST DAUGHTER, FIRST KID, AGENT

CODY BANKS, PART OF THE SEQUEL,

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMEN,

GUARDING TESS, AND THE MUMMY

RETURNS, SO I THINK I KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

CAMPAIGNS ARE ALL ABOUT SPENDING

TONS OF MONEY, PRETENDING THAT

PEOPLE FROM IOWA MATTER, AND

PRAYING NO ONE FINDS OUT YOU

LOVE HIRING UNDERAGE HOOKERS TO

POUND YOU WITH A STRAP-ON.

HAS ANYONE EVER ACTUALLY WON A

DEBATE?

I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE GO, "MY

OPPONENT IS MAKING A TON OF

SENSE, I'M OUT."

THE IDEA THAT ANY OF THESE

CANDIDATES REPRESENT MY

INTERESTS IS ABSURD.

IF YOU WANT MY VOTE, SCALE IT

BACK A SMIDGE WITH THE LOFTY

PROMISES AND JUST LEGALIZE DRUGS

AND GAMBLING.

NATIVE AMERICANS GET IT; WHY

CAN'T AMERICAN AMERICANS?

YET, FOR ALL OF THE FLAWS WITH

THE POLITICAL PROCESS, THERE'S

NEVER BEEN A WOMAN IN THE WHITE

HOUSE.

SO, THE SYSTEM ISN'T COMPLETELY

BROKEN YET.

PHIL DAVISON WAS JUST TRYING TO

GET THE VOTER'S ATTENTION, AND

ENDED UP SCARING THE BEJESUS

OUT OF THEM.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM OUT TO

TOSH.0 CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS FOR

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

EXCUSE ME.

THE ONLY WAY TO APPEAL TO THE

TEA PARTY IS TO GET TEA BAGGED.

>> THAT'S DISGUSTING.

>> I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THE

SMELL OF THIS BATHROOM.

FROM NBC NEWS IN WASHINGTON

"MEET THE PRESS" WITH DAVID

GREGORY.

THIS IS DANIEL TOSH FILLING IN

FOR DANIEL GREGORY.

TODAY WE HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT

GUEST PHIL DAVISON.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU AS WELL.

>> THE VOTE WASN'T RELEASED SO I

DIDN'T WIN.

>> DO YOU THINK IF YOU HAD

APOLOGIZED FOR YOUR TONE YOU

MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN MORE VOTES.

>> YES.

>> WAS THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU

HAD READ THAT SPEECH.

>> NO I HAD PRACTICED SEVERAL

TIMES TO MYSELF.

IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD READ

IT OUT IN PUBLIC FOR

DOCUMENTATION.

BECAUSE MY THEORY IS THAT SPEECH

WAS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS.

>> NO, IT WAS NOT WRITTEN IN ALL

CAPS.

MY NAME IS PHIL DAVISON.

YOU GOT TO SCREAM IT.

>> THAT'S WHAT I DID.

TELL ME ABOUT GIVING THAT

SPEECH.

IT SEEMS VERY PASSIONATE.

I GOT EXCITED ABOUT IT.

AND I SAID TO HELL WITH IT.

I GOT UP THERE AND THIS IS HOW I

SPEAK.

>> WHILE YOU WERE UP THERE DID

YOU THINK THIS WAS GOING WELL.

>> AS THE SPEECH WAS GOING ON

AND PEOPLE STARTED LEAVING THE

ROOM.

>> MOST PEOPLE THINK I'M GAY.

BECAUSE I'VE GOT THIS PENT-UP

ENERGY AND FRUSTRATION.

>> I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WHEN

WATCHING THE SPEECH THIS GUY IS

GAY.

>> I LET THEM HAVE IT

>> LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR

SPEECH FOR A SECOND.

>> I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE IN

SOCIOLOGY, A BACHELORS DEGREE IN

PSYCHOLOGY.

A MASTER DEGREE IN PUBLIC

ADMINISTRATION.

AND MASTERS DEGREE IN

COMMUNICATION.

>> ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU TALKED

ABOUT YOUR MASTERS IN IN

COMMUNICATION AND YOU SCREWED IT

UP.

>> IN THE MIDDLE OF OPPORTUNITY.

IN THE MIDDLE OF DIFFICULTY.

>> WHAT OTHER FAVORITE QUOTES.

>> A FLUTE WITHOUT HOLES IS NOT

A FLUTE BUT A BAGEL -- A

DOUGHNUT.

I BLEW IT AGAIN.

>> DOUGHNUT WITHOUT A HOLE IS

WHAT?

>> DANISH.

HOW ARE YOU WITH KIDS.

>> GOOD.

I'VE DONE A THE BEST I CAN.

>> HAVE YOU READ THE COMMENTS

WRITTEN ABOUT YOU.

>> HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANY DRUGS.

>> YES.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DRUGS

>>> MARIJUANA, L S D, ECSTASY.

MUSHROOMS AND THEN I'M GOING TO

WHIPS IN AS A DRUGS.

>> YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST YOU

GOT TO BEAT THE BEST.

>> WISER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN

SAID ON THIS SHOW.

>> WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON

ABORTION.

>> I'M PRO-CHOICE.

>> IF YOU WANT TO HAVE AN

ABORTION HAVE ONE.

>> WHAT WOULD YOU SAY THAT

TOSH.0 WERE TO SPONSOR A

CAMPAIGN FOR YOU TO RUN FOR

PRESIDENCY.

>> NO, I'M NOT GOING TO BE ON

THE TICKET.

>> THAT'S OKAY.

>> THAT WILL COME OUT.

>> NO I WON'T.

I'VE DONE FAR WORSE THAN.

>> WHATEVER YOU'VE DONE I'VE

DONE 10 TIMES WORSE.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN COME

HERE.

DANIEL TOSH AND I ARE GOING TO

DANIEL TOSH IS GOING MY

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN MANAGER

AND I'M GOING TO RUN FOR

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

IN 2012

>> I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN YOU AS

YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER IF YOU

WOULD WELCOME ME.

>> YES.

I'M DANIEL TOSH GOODNIGHT.

>> I AM AWESOME.

>> PHIL, ARE YOU NERVOUS.

>> GOOD YOU SHOULDN'T BE

NERVOUS.

>> BUTTON YOUR JACKET.

DON'T BRAG ABOUT YOUR DEGREES.

LOSE THE CRAZY EYE.

THERE'S 90,000 PEOPLE.

BECAUSE I SENT OUT A SINGLE

TWEET.

GIVE THEM THE MESSAGE.

>> LET'S GO.

LET'S GO!

>> OH GOD.

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> APPRECIATE THAT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU ALL.

VERY MUCH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NAME

IS PHIL DAVISON.

AND I'M SEEKING THE TOSH PARTY'S

NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES.

ALBERT EINSTEIN IS ONE OF MY

MOST FAVORITE QUOTES.

IN THE MIDDLE OF DIFFICULTY LIES

OPPORTUNITY.

IF NOMINATED TONIGHT I WILL HIT

THE GROUND RUNNING, AND COME OUT

SWINGING AND END UP WINNING.

>> BARACK OBAMA DOES NOT CARE

ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE.

[GUNSHOT]

WHAT'S NEXT?

IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERR...

LET'S PAUSE FOR STATION

IDENTIFICATION IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[CLAPPING]

THIS IS IN GREECE, AND YOU'RE

LISTENING TO DJ GYROS ON THE

WACKIEST MORNING ZOO IN ALL OF

SPARTA.

LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE FIRE HAS

STARTED BEHIND HIM, THEY DON'T

CALL IT HOT 99 JAMZ FOR NOTHING.

GOOD CALL.

JUST SPREAD THAT AROUND A LITTLE

BIT.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S

SAYING BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S

ALL GREEK TO ME.

CALLER 10, IF YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR

ANYTHING BESIDES LADY

ANTEBELLUM, YOU'LL WIN A FREE

PAIR OF FLAME-RETARDANT BEATS BY

DRE HEADPHONES

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S STILL ON

THE AIR.

HE'S PROBABLY JUST TALKING

NON-STOP ABOUT HOW PROUD THE

GREEKS ARE OF JOHN STAMOS.

THAT'S ALL THEY TALK ABOUT.

IT TAKES MORE THAN HALF A BOTTLE

OF AQUAFINA TO PUT OUT A FIRE,

YOU STUPID INTERN.

I'M SURPRISED HE DIDN'T JUST

DRIZZLE OLIVE OIL ALL OVER IT.

AGAIN, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO OVER

THERE.

WHY COULDN'T THIS HAPPEN TO

EVERYONE WHO HAS A PODCAST?

I ASSUME THAT'S THE ENTIRE

ATHENS FIRE DEPARTMENT.

"OH, I SHOULD HAVE WENT WITH A

FIRE EXTINGUISHER THE FIRST

TIME?

I DIDN'T WANT TO WASTE IT."

THANK ZEUS THE ONLY THING THAT

GOT DESTROYED WAS A BUNCH OF

BRUNO MARS ALBUMS AND SOME OLD

FETA.

I'M JUST GLAD HE RISKED GETTING

BURNED ALIVE TO TELL US THAT IT

WAS ZACH GALIFIANAKIS' BIRTHDAY,

>> PARDON ME IF I DON'T LAUGH

BECAUSE IT'S COLD.

THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY

VIDEOS THE FASCISTS AT COMEDY

CENTRAL WON'T LET ME SHOW YOU.

MAYBE BECAUSE MOST OF THEM

FEATURE A MAN, A WOMAN, MEMBERS

OF THE CLERGY, SOMETIMES A

HORSE, EXPLORING THEIR BODIES.

BUT I FEEL THESE VIDEOS DESERVE

TO BE SEEN, AND I FIGURED OUT

THE PERFECT WAY TO MAKE THEM TV

FRIENDLY, IN A NEW SEGMENT

CALLED CHILD PORNOGRAPHY.

AH.

AH.

AH.

AH.

AH.

AH.

OH.

HEY.

HIT THE BEAR.

HIT THE BEAR.

HIT THE BEAR.

AH

THE GREAT THING ABOUT DOING THIS

SHOW IN HOLLYWOOD IS THERE IS NO

SHORTAGE OF AWFUL PARENTS WHO

WILL LET THEIR KIDS DO ANYTHIN

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW BAD THIS

SHOW WOULD BE IF ASIANS DIDN'T

MAKE VIDEOS?

ALRIGHT, THIS IS RECESS AT THE

NIKE FACTORY.

THE CHINESE HAVE TAKEN THE FOOT

BINDING A LITTLE TOO FAR.

WE GET IT.

YOU GUYS MAKE GREAT WALLS.

TIE!

THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE A

SINGLE CHINK IN THAT CHAIN IT

WON'T WORK.

HEY, THAT IS AN EXPRESSION.

YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.

IF YOU THINK THAT WAS RACIST,

THAT IS BECAUSE YOU'RE A RACIST.

THAT WAS A WORLD RECORD

31-LEGGED RACE, BUT DON'T

CELEBRATE TOO SOON, CHINA, THE

U.S. OF A JUST KNOCKED OUT A

32-PERSON WHEELBARROW RACE.

UP.

EVERYBODY UP.

GET IT UP.

GET UP.

GO!

GO!

STAY UP.

KEEP WALKING.

ALL RIGHT.

COME ON.

I LIKE IT.

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S A WORLD

RECORD.

THAT WAS 31 GUYS AND ONE GIRL,

MAKING IT THE SECOND LONGEST

TRAIN EVER RUN ON OUR BLOGGER,

CARLY.

THE BIGGEST COMPLAINT FROM

PEOPLE DOING THAT?

THE SMELL OF BALLS.

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