January 11, 2011 - Antoine Dodson

  • 01/11/2011

Antoine Dodson gets a Web Redemption, and Daniel dances naked in the rain.

THE WARDROBE FOR THE BEGINNINGOF SEASON THREE...

COLLA!

[cheers and applause]

I KNOW.

COLLA!

[cheers and applause]

A LOT OF YOU SENT INYOUR OWN IDEAS,

WHICH WERE IGNORED BECAUSEYOU GUYS HAVE AWFUL IDEAS.

JOHN FROM CINCINNATI THINKSWE SHOULD BROADCAST

FROM HIS LIVING ROOM.

NOT UNTIL YOU GETBAMBOO FLOORS, MY FRIEND.

SOMEONE ELSE SAID,"USE THE TALK SOUP SET,

SINCE YOUR SHOW'S ALREADYA RIP-OFF OF THAT."

[laughter]

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

JUST BECAUSE I WAS BORNIN GERMANY

DOES NOT MEAN I THINKTHAT SET IS APPROPRIATE.

HELLTRACK,FROM THE MOVIE RAD?

THAT WOULD BEA PRETTY SWEET SET.

[laughter]

HELLO!

I DON'T WANT TO PERFORM WHILEI'M CONSTANTLY BEING AROUSED,

SO UNFORTUNATELY,THIS IS A NO AS WELL.

I'M STICKINGWITH THE MODERN-DOJO THEME.

CARROTS.

THAT IS A VERY HEALTHY LOAD.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDSON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY WITTY COMMENTSWE CAN EJACULATE.

I WONDER IF THEY WERE MAKINGCARROT BUKKAKE.

THAT'S THE SEXIEST WAYTO EAT

YOUR DAILY SERVINGOF VEGETABLES.

I BET SHE'S GONNA TRYTO KISS HIM AFTER.

I CALL FAKE.

WHITE GUYS HAVEBABY CARROTS.

THEY HAVE TO USE PRODUCE,

BECAUSE NO MAN HAS EVERBEEN AROUSED BY A REDHEAD.

[audience groans]

[chuckles]TIME'S UP.

DOES THAT MEAN WE DON'T GET TOSEE THEM COVER HER IN RANCH?

DOES PROGRESSIVE HAVERASCAL INSURANCE?

SOMETHING TELLS ME HE'S NOTGONNA WALK AWAY FROM THIS ONE.

ZLET'S WATCH OLD DEAD LEGSGET THE SHAFT

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

I DON'T BLAME HER FOR HITTINGTHE "DOOR CLOSE" BUTTON.

SOMETIMES ITSA LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

TO SHARE AN ELEVATORWITH A HANDICAPPED PERSON.

HE TRIED TO SQUEEZETHROUGH THERE AT THE LAST SECOND

LIKE INDIANA JONESAND THE CRIPPLE OF DOOM.

BUT HE'S BEEN DISRESPECTED.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO WHENSOMEONE DISRESPECTS YOU IN ASIA?

YOU GO KAMIKAZE ON THEIR ASS.

WHOA, BUDDY,I LIKE WHERE YOUR HEAD'S AT,

BUT WHEN GOD TOOK YOUR LEGS,HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU A FREE PASS

TO DESTROY MALL PROPERTY.

WHY IS HE IN A RUSH?

NO ONE'S GONNA YELL AT THE GUYWHO CAN'T WALK

FOR BEING FIVE MINUTES LATE.

BONZAI!

WHOOPS.HE ACTUALLY NEEDED TO GO UP.

DO SCOOTERS HAVE AIR BAGS?

I'M JUST GLADHE SHOWED THE WORLD

THAT HE IS"HANDICAPABLE"OF PLUNGING TO HIS DEATH,

JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

[laughing wildly]

[imitating Antoine]OH, THEY RAPIN' EVERYBODY!

THEY RAPIN' EVERYBODY!

[normal voice] HOW ARE YOU?- HEY...

- DANIEL.- HEY, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU,ANTOINE.

I INVITED YOUTO THIS PARK, BECAUSE,

WHILE BEAUTIFUL BY DAY,AT NIGHT,

THERE ARE MORE UNSOLVED RAPESPER SQUARE ACRE

THAN ANYPLACEIN THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES.

YEAH.[woman screaming]

OH, SHE'S GONNA GET RAPED.

HAD I KNOWN YOU WERE GONNAWEAR YOUR [bleep] STRAIGHT,

I WOULD HAVE CHANGED.

- I KNOW, BUT AT ISJUST SO HOT.

- YOU LIKE IT?- I LIVE FOR THAT.

- NOW, WHERE WAS THAT VIDEO?

- THE VIDEO WASIN HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA,

IN LINCOLN PARK.

- HOW QUICKLY DIDYOUR LIFE CHANGE AFTER THAT?

- THE SITUATION HAPPENEDJULY 28TH,

AND AUGUST 1STTHE WHOLE WORLD KNEW US.

- WHAT KIND OF OFFERSWERE YOU GETTING?

- I WAS GETTING OFFERS LIKE,"YOU COME ON THIS SHOW,

WE'LL GIVE YOU $10,000."

OR, "YOU DO THIS, ANDWE CAN GIVE YOU $15,000.

"OH, IF YOU SIGNTHIS CONTRACT,

WE'LL GIVE YOU $14 MILLION."AND I WAS, LIKE--

- WAIT, WAIT.I WOULD HAVE SIGNED THE ONE

THAT SAID $14 MILLION.

- I MEAN,I WOULD HAVE SIGNED IT, TOO,

IF I HADN'T WENT TO SCHOOLFOR BUSINESS.

SO IT'S LIKE, WELL, YOU KNOW,

WE NEED LAWYERSAND STUFF LIKE THAT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT PEOPLETO KNOW ABOUT YOU?

- THEY KNOW I'M OPENLY GAY.

THAT'S MAINLY WHATI WANTED TO GET OUT.

- THAT YOU'RE GAY?I THINK PEOPLE KNEW THAT

ABOUT ONE SECONDINTO YOUR VIDEO.

- NO. THAT IS SO STEREOTYPE.- OF COURSE IT IS.

- I KNOW A LOT OF FEMININE GUYSWHO'S NOT GAY.

- NO, YOU DON'T.

- TELL ME HOWTHE AUTO-TUNE THE NEWS GUYS

CAME TO YOU TO MAKE A SONG.

- THEY CAME AT MEWITH, LIKE,

A LITTLE 30-SECOND CLIPOF THE SONG,

AND I LISTENED TO IT,AND I WAS, LIKE,

"IS SOMEBODY TRYING TO MAKE FUNOF MY FAMILY?

LIKE, I HATE THIS.THIS IS SUCH TRASH."

BUT LISTENING TO ITAFTER A WHILE, OVER AND OVER,

I'M, LIKE, "WOW, IT REALLY DOESSEND A POSITIVE MESSAGE.

IT'S LIKE AN ALERT."

- HOW MUCH DID YOU MAKEOFF OF IT?

- ALMOST 300,000 COPIESWERE SOLD,

AND WE WERE SELLING ITAT $1.29, SO...

- OH, THAT'S THE PREMIUM--THE iTUNES PLUS, THE $1.29.

- YEAH.- NO 99 CENTS FOR YOUR STUFF.

- MM-MM.

- THE ONLY THINGTHAT I QUESTION IS

"HIDE YOUR HUSBANDS."

ARE HUSBANDS REALLYGETTING RAPED?

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK SO.

- [laughs]OH, MY GOD.

HUSBANDS ARE REALLYGETTING RAPED.

- THEY RAPE HUSBANDSIN THE SOUTH?

THAT'S WHY I WON'T GOTO THE SOUTH.

- IF HE IS 5'2",THEY IS GONNA GET HIM.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL,YOU KIND OF GOT CAUGHT

WITH YOUR PANTS DOWNLAST TIME.

LET'S GO LEARNHOW TO BE PROACTIVE, NOT...

- REACTIVE.

- I WAS GONNA SAY RAPED,BUT I LIKE YOURS BETTER.

OH, THAT FEELS GOOD.

- ALL RIGHT, NANCYS,STOP THE STRETCHING.

STOP THE STRETCHING RIGHT NOW!- I DON'T WANT TO PULL ANYTHING.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TIMETO STRETCH IN AN ALLEY

WHEN YOU'RE GETTING RAPED.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA STRETCHIN MY CLASS.

PULL A HAMMY,THAT'S ON YOU.

SO LISTEN UP.

FIRST THING YOU NEED TO KNOWABOUT BEING RAPED

IS THE WORST THINGYOU CAN POSSIBLY DO

WHEN BEING RAPED IS YELL,"HELP, I'M BEING RAPED."

YOU WANT TO YELL SOMETHING LIKE,"HELP, I'M ON FIRE."

NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH A RAPE.PEOPLE LOVE A GOOD BONFIRE.

WHAT WOULD YOU YELLWHEN BEING RAPED?

- FREE DOUGHNUTS!- YOU COME IN HERE, SIR.

THIS IS GREG.HE'S GOING TO TRY TO RAPE YOU.

- HOW IS HE GONNA RAPE ANYBODYWITH ALL THAT STUFF ON?

- WE'RE GONNA USE OURIMAGINATION ON THIS, ALL RIGHT?

THREE OPTIONS--EYES, THROAT, TESTICLES.

ANTOINE, GET UP HERE.- MESS HIM UP. MESS HIM UP.

MESS HIM UP! MESS HIM UP!

- GET HIM.- UNH!

- OH!- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ENOUGH, THAT'S ENOUGH.YOU GOT HIS BALLS.

- FIRE. FIRE.

- EVERYONE GO AHEAD RIGHT NOW

AND LET'S BLOW OUR RAPE WHISTLEON THE COUNT OF THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

[slide whistle pitchgoing up and down]

- THEY WERE OUTOF REGULAR RAPE WHISTLES.

ALL RIGHT, ANTOINE,YOU ARE CLEARLY

THE GREATEST RAPEFIGHTING MACHINE

I'VE EVER COME ACROSS.

WE'VE LEARNED ALL WE CANFROM THIS CRAZY LADY.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE ITANOTHER SHOT?

- I'M READY. LET'S GO.

- LET'S GO FIND USA RAPIST.

ANTOINE, THERE IS ONLYONE PROVEN WAY

TO CATCH A RAPIST,

AND THAT'S WITH A RAPE TRAP.

- COOL.- YEAH.

NOW ALL WE NEED ISSOME RAPE BAIT.

- WHERE WE GONNA FINDRAPE BAIT?

- WELL, AT THIS HOURWE'LL HAVE TO IMPROVISE.

- ♪ HE'S CLIMBINGIN YOUR WINDOW ♪

- OH, I'M ALL ALONE.

SURE GLAD I DON'T HAVEANY PEPPER SPRAY ON ME.

MY SHOE'S UNTIED.

- THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING.

ACT SEXY.LET IT OUT.

- HEY, BUDDY,NO MEANS YES.

WHY DON'T YOU POURYOUR DNA RIGHT HERE.

WANT A LITTLE OF THIS?

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THAT'S A GIRL. THAT'S FISH.

- BEAT IT, SLUT!

GO GET RAPEDON YOUR OWN CORNER.

MAYBE I SHOULD TAKEMY SLEEPING PILLS.

ROHYPNOL,THE RAPE DRUG.

- ♪ HE'S CLIMBINGIN YOUR WINDOW ♪

- OH...

- THIS ONE LOOKS PROMISING.

WE GONNA FIND YOU!

- OH! PULL IT!

OW! OH...OH...

I'M BEING RAPEDBY ROETHLISBERGER!

- [laughing]

RUN TELL THAT!WE CAUGHT THE RAPIST.

Y'ALL DON'T NEEDTO HIDE YOUR KIDS,

HIDE YOUR WIFE,OR HIDE YOUR HUSBAND,

'CAUSE THEY AIN'T RAPIN'NOBODY ELSE OUT HERE.

[maniacal laughter]

- I'M STILL GETTING RAPEDBY ROETHLISBERGER!

SHE NEVER PRUNESHER BUSH.

- SOMETIMES YOU JUSTHAVE TO DO IT--

DO IT OVER, DO IT RIGHT.

DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVETO DANCE NAKED IN THE RAIN.

[laughs]

AHH...

- SHUT THAT CRAZY BITCH UP.

I WISH SHE'D HAVE DANCED NAKEDIN THE RAIN 30 YEARS AGO.

WHAT'S THE OVER/UNDER ONHOW MANY CATS THAT WOMAN OWNS?

- MOTHER NATURE, THANK YOUFOR REBIRTHING ME.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I'M TURNED ONBECAUSE SHE'S NAKED

OR BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE ME.

[laughter]

I SHOULDN'T MAKE FUNOF THIS WOMAN.

DANCING NAKED IN THE RAINIS QUITE INVIGORATING.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVETO FEED YOUR SOUL

AGAIN AND AGAIN.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GODANCING NAKED IN THE RAIN.

[laughing creepily]

- HURRY UP!

- SHUT UP!IT'S STILL MY TURN!

MOTHER NATURE, THANK YOUFOR REBIRTHING ME.

THE HARDEST PARTABOUT DOING THAT BIT

IN FRONT OF THE CHILDRENWAS MY PENIS.

OH, THAT'S TOO FAR.

- [grunts]WHEEEEEE...

- ANGRY BIRDS IS A VERY POPULARiPHONE APP,

BUT I DON'T HAVEAN iPHONE.

SO I HAVE TO PLAY ITTHE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,

WITH REAL PEOPLEAND DEAD BIRDS.

JOCELYN, COME IN HEREFOR A SECOND.

- AAH!- OOH!

- YEAH!

- CARDINAL.

[laughter]

- OH, MY GOD, I'M BLEEDING.

LOOK AT THAT.

I'M BLEEDING! I CAN'T BELIEVEYOU [bleep] CUT ME.

WILL I HAVE TO GOTO THE HOSPITAL?

- GOT YOU!

- I'M GLAD IT'S NICKAND NOT A GIRL.

HE BLED OUT.

AND I HAVE A THEORY ABOUTALL THESE DEAD BIRDS

DROPPING FROM THE SKY.

I ASSUME IT'SM. NIGHT SHYAMALAN'S DOING.

I TOOK THE MOSTVIOLENT [bleep] EVER.

[mysterious ninja music]

- WEE-YAAAAH!

[ninja whooping, grunting]

AAH!

- WEE-YAAAH!

[plop]

[pained groan]

[mysterious ninja music]

- [poorly dubbed voice]OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

THE IRONY.

THAT IS THE LAST TIMEI TAKE A POOP IN KOREATOWN.

A NEW WAY TO END THE SHOWTHIS SEASON.

I USUALLY SAY "GOOD NIGHT,"

BUT THAT LACKSA CERTAIN PIZZAZZ.

THAT'S WHY I ASKED YOU,MY ESTEEMED TWITTER FOLLOWERS,

WHAT THE SIGN-OFF SHOULD BE.

[laughter]

"CAN'T TOSH THIS."

"COMEDY CENTRAL'S [bleep] TIMINGPROBABLY CUT THIS GOOD-BYE

OFF YOUR TiVo."

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, PRETTY GOOD,BUT LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE.

C U NEXT TUESDAY, YOU [bleep].

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