June 26, 2012 - How to Flirt Guy

  • 06/26/2012

Daniel tweets medical advice, Sexpert Alex gets a Web Redemption, and Florida faces zombie attacks.

TURNS OUT FOOT BINDING GETS YOU

MAD HOPS.

I BET HER PARENTS ARE PSYCHED

THEY DIDN'T THROW HER IN THE

RIVER WHEN SHE WAS BORN.

SHE JUST BURNED OFF EIGHT BOWLES

OF RICE.

REALLY PACKED THE STANDS TO SEE

THIS ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE 30 SECOND BREAK IS OVER.

BACK TO MAKING MY SICK KICKS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY WHAT THE

[BLEEP] IS THAT STANDING OFF TO

THE SIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S A

MONKEY, LITTLE PERSON OR A

MONKEY.

ALL RIGHT.

THE JURY'S STILL OUT. ALL I KNOW

IS AMERICA'S GOING TAKE THE GOLD

IN SKIPPING ROPE.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO!

SORRY, I FORT GOT TO COUNT.

THE REAL TRICK WAS

OLD MAN STRENGTH IS NO MATCH FOR

ALLIGATOR STRENGTH.

>> Tosh: THE YEARS HAVE NOT BEEN

KIND TO JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.

[BLEEP] [BLEEP]

>>

>> FORCING GRANDPA TO WRESTLE

GATORS IS WAY MORE HUMAN THAN

PUTTING HIM IN A HOME.

SOMETHING SIMILAR HAPPENED TO ME

LAST WEEKEND.

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] WAS THAT?

DID YOU JUST BITE ME?

>> YEAH.

I HOPE IT GETS INFECTED YOU OLD

PERVE.

>> Tosh: TECHNICALLY I WAS

TRESPASSING.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> Tosh: JONBENET IS WOBBLING IN

HER GRAVE AND SHE CAN'T EVEN

MASTER WALKING.

HOW WILL SHE EVER CARRY OUT HER

IMPORTANT BEAUTY DREAMS.

NOW WATCH HER DREAMS SHATTER IN

THE BREAKDOWN.

WELCOME TO THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS

BEAUTY CONTEST IN THE ENTIRE

THIRD WORLD.

LET'S SKIP RIGHT TO THE SWIM

SUITS SINCE THEY ALL HAVE THE

SAME TALENT, STILL BEING ALIVE

IN AFRICA.

EASY, BIG FELLA.

SHE'S ROAMING AROUND LIKE A

NEW-BORN CALF.

THE WEAVE MUST BE THROWING OFF

THEIR CENTER OF GRAVITY OR IT'S

THE LACK OF CLEAN WATER.

TIMBER.

NOW I GET WHY CLOONEY WANTS TO

HELP THE SUDANS SO BAD.

HUBBA, HUBBA.

LITTLE MISS MIDNIGHT IS REALLY

STRUGGLING TO MAINTAIN HER BOYS.

I GUESS THE MOST OF DAY IS

VISION TO AVOID CIRCUMCISION

WALKING ON HEELS ISN'T A

PRIORITY.

THE KEY IS SHIFTING WEIGHT TO

THE TOES.

I ONLY KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DATE

MODELS AND I'M A

>> A LOT OF THINGS ADULTS SAY

THAT ARE FLIRTING CAN BE TAKEN

THE WRONG WAY IF YOU DON'T

CONVEY THEM WITH ENERGY AND FUN.

IN OTHER WORDS, IF I SEE A GIRL

WITH BLUE EYES I MIGHT SAY WOW,

YOU'RE EYES ARE LIKE

BLUEBERRIES.

WAIT, CAN I -- I'M KIND OF

HUNGRY -- CAN I HAVE?

THAT'S ONE THING WE CAN GO INTO

BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED IF I

DON'T SMILE AND BRING MY ENERGY

LEVEL LOWER AND IF MY VOICE

SOUNDS FLAT.

HEY, I REALLY LIKE YOUR EYES.

THEY'RE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRYS

.

CAN I TOUCH THEM?

CAN I EAT THEM.

THAT'S STRANGE.

>> Tosh: I THINK A MOISTURE BOMB

WENT OFF ON OUR PANTIES.

I LOVE THAT GUY.

THAT GUY IS A SEX PERT AND HE

WAS MAKING A VIDEO ABOUT HOW TO

FLIRT.

IF YOU USE THE RIGHT ATTENTION

OF ATTENTION, FLATTERY AND VODKA

CRANBERRY HER LEGS SPREAD OPEN.

IF SHE HAS BIG BOOBS SHE JUST

WANTS TO HEAR SHE HAS A NICE

SMILE AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO

GIVE IT UP ON THE FIRST DATE

LADIES.

THE EASIER IT IS TO PICK UP A

CHICK THE MORE LIKELY SHE'S

COURSING HPV.

AND GIRLS GET EMOTIONALLY

ATTACHED WHEN THEY ORGASM SO

IT'S IMPORTANT TO NOT LET THAT

HAPPEN

I NEVER GIVE A GIRL MY NUMBER

AND I GIVE HER A BOTTLE WITH A

NOTE AND TELL HER TO THROW IT

INTO THE SEA.

THE CURRENTS WILL DETERMINE OUR

FATE.

I STILL WANT TO HELP ALEX SLEIGH

SOME STRANGE SO I SLIPPED HIM A

MICKY AND BROUGHT HIM BACK TO MY

PLACE FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> DANIEL TOSH, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING HERE

>> Tosh: I FOUND YOU ON GRINDER

SO I BROUGHT YOU A SANDWICH AND

SOME CHEESE.

COME ON IN.

WHO IS ALEX?

>> RIGHT NOW I'M AN ENGINEERING

STUDENT AT NEW ENGLAND.

>> Tosh: WHY'D YOU MAKE THE

VIDEO.

>>I WAS HELPING A FRIEND MAKE

DATING ADVICE.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG BEFORE IT

BECAME POPULAR.

>> A FEW YEARS WE HAD A FEW

THOUSAND HITS AND TWO YEARS AGO

IT WAS POSTED EVERYWHERE.

>> DID YOU WAKE UP IN A SWEAT.

WHY ARE YOU GIVING AWAY ALL YOUR

SECRETS ONLINE?

>> THEY'RE NOT SECRETS THEY'RE

LINES.

LINES DON'T WORK.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER HAD

SUCCESS WITH PICK UP LINES?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE FUNNY PICK

UPLINES?

>> YOU TAKE A DRINK AND YOU SAY

TO A GIRL I THINK SOMEBODY PUT

SOMETHING IN THIS.

CAN YOU TEST.

>> Tosh: NAME SOME PAST TIMES.

>> I LIKE TO SAIL.

>> Tosh: NOBODY SAILS.

DO YOU WEAR A SWEATER OVER YOUR

SHOULDER.

WHAT OTHER PASTTIMES.

>> I PLAY GUITAR.

>> Tosh: I ASSUME YOU TRAVELLED

THROUGH EUROPE.

>> YES.

CAN I HAVE MY ARM BACK?

>> Tosh: NO ONE FORCED YOU TO

PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

>> Tosh: WHERE IS THE BEST PLACE

TO MEET GIRLS?

>> DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF GIRL

YOU LIKE.

>> Tosh: I LIKE A WHORE.

WHERE WOULD YOU SAY THE BEST

PLACE IS?

>> I WOULDN'T KNOW.

>> Tosh: WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE

TO MEET A STRONG INTERESTING

GIRL LOOKING FOR A VOICE

RELATIONSHIP?

>> A BOOK STORE.

>> Tosh: WHAT SECTION.

>> DEPENDS WHAT YOU LIKE.

>> Tosh: WHORE.

DO YOU ALSO GIVE ADVICE ON

SEXUAL TECHNIQUES.

>> NOT ANY MORE.

>> Tosh: SO YOU HAVE?

DID YOU MAKE A VIDEO LIKE THAT

AS WELL?

ARE YOU ROLLING IN THE

[BLEEP]ING.

>> DEFINE ROLLING?

JUST UP TO HERE.

DO YOU KEEP A SEX JOURNAL.

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WOULD YOU CONSIDER

YOURSELF AN ASS OR TIT MAN.

>> MORE OF AN ASS MAN.

>> I THINK TO COMES WITH

MATURITY.

AS LONG AS THAT VAGINA ISN'T

BEAT UP WE'RE GOOD TO GO.

WHAT'S THE HOTTEST GIRL YOU WENT

OUT WITH?

>> A JENNIFER.

>> Tosh: SHE LEFT A VOICE MAIL

SAYING DO YOU THINK YOU CAN

NEVER [BLEEP] TALK TO ME AGAIN.

I PLAYED IT FOR ANYONE WHO WOULD

LISTEN.

YOU EXCITED ABOUT SPEED DATING?

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: I'LL WATCH YOU.

REMEMBER YOUR ADVICE, BIG SMILE,

HIGH ENERGY.

LET'S SEE IF WE CAN ROMANCE THE

[BLEEP] OUT OF THESE SLUTS.

>> OKAY.

>> Tosh: OPEN UP.

>> I'M HALF IRISH.

>> WILL I BE NEEDING LUCKY

CHARMS TO GET YOUR NUMBER?

>> NO.

>> WERE YOU AFFECTED BY THE

RADIATION IN JAPAN.

YOU'RE A LITTLE GLOWING.

>> HOW ABOUT WE HIT UP RED

LOBSTER OR WHENEVER YOU PEOPLE

LIKE TO GO.

>> YOU PEOPLE?

>> DO YOU LIKE TRAINS BECAUSE

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A LOOK AT

THE CLEVELAND STEAMER.

>> HE WANTS TO KNOW IF HE CAN

PEE ON YOU.

>> GROSS.

>> YEAH, BUT CAN HE PEE ON YOU.

>> NO.

>> YOU WANT TO PLAY MATCH THE

CASTLE TOWERS.

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> WHEN OUR PENISES BANG INTO

EACH OTHER.

>> I'M AT THE WRONG TABLE.

>> YOU SHOULD [BLEEP] ME.

I'M ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

>> HEY, THAT'S MY LINE, DICK.

>> I HAVE EVERY TYLER PERRY

MOVIE ON BLU-RAY.

YOUR EYES ARE LIKE BLUEBERRIES.

>> YOU'RE EYES ARE LIKE

BLUEBERRIES.

>> CAN I --

>> YEAH, YOU CAN TAKE IT OUT.

IT'S A GLASS EYE.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE COOL WITH IT.

>> GOD, THAT'S [BLEEP]ING GROSS.

GO AHEAD, BIG TALKER, POP IT IN.

>> HOW ABOUT WE SKIP DESSERT AND

Y

[♪♪♪]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: THAT WAS THE GUINNESS

BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WINNER FOR

THE TIGHTEST PARALLEL PARKING

JOB.

IF IT SEEMS LIKE A STUPID WORLD

RECORD IT'S BECAUSE THERE'S A

BUNCH OF ALCOHOLICS AT GUINNESS

RUNNING THINGS.

IF THERE'S A RECORD I WILL NOT

REST UNTIL I'VE BROKEN IT OUT

SMASHED THE HELL OUT OF A COUPLE

MINI COOPERS THAT DON'T BELONG

TO ME.

NOW TIME FOR THE SEGMENT, I'M

BETTER THAN YOU, NA NA NA BOO

BOO, STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO DOO.

>> I THINK I CAN DO IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

.

>> Tosh: NA NA NA BOO BOO, STICK

YOUR HEAD IN DOO DOO.

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE LADIES

>> Tosh: AND FINALLY, HAVE YOU

EVER HAD A MYSTERIOUS RASH BUT

WERE TOO EMBARRASSED OR POOR TO

SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT IT?

GOOD NEWS I'M GIVING OUT MEDICAL

ADVICE I'M NOT A DOCTOR BUT I

HAVE IMPORTANT INFORMATION AND I

ASKED TWITTER FOLLOWERS TO

DESCRIBE THEIR SYMPTOM AND I

GIVE ADVICE IN A NEW SEGMENT

CALLED TWEETMENT.

MY ANKLE HURTS.

STOP BEING A PUSSY AND IF THAT

DOESN'T WORK BUY YOURSELF AN

OTTOMAN.

EXCEPT FOR FOUR, NONE OF MY

[BLEEP] HAS BEEN SOLID FOR THE

PAST THREE WEEKS POOPING.

.

THERE'S NO DISRESPECT IN HAVING

ONLY FOUR A WEEK.

MY EYE TWITCHES ALL THE TIME.

I CAN FEEL IT BUT YOU CAN'T SEE

IT.

THERE'S LUPUS.

YOU WILL DIE ALONE.

NOW BUY AN EYE PATCH.

I THINK I MIGHT BE TOO CUTE.

I THINK THAT'S NOT A PICTURE OF

YOU.

MY FEET GET HOT AT NIGHT.

TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS

BEFORE YOU GET INTO BED.

WHAT IF THEY WERE AT HOME GOING

HOLY [BLEEP], THAT WORKED.

THEN YOU WOULDN'T THINK MY

SUGGESTION WAS SO DUMB.

A COUGH, BUMPS AROUND MY LIPS

AND MOUTH, FEVER AND NOBODY

WANTS ME TO EAT THEM OUT WHICH I

AM VERY GOOD AT.

ALL RIGHT, I'M TAKING THIS

SERIOUSLY

YOU NEED TO GROW A GOATEE.

THAT WILL HIDE THE SORES AND

THEN ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOING DOWN

TO STARE AT IT AND THEN MUNCH

TIME.

WHEN DRUM LINE IS ON I HAVE TO

WATCH IT.

I'D BE WORRIED IF YOU DIDN'T

WATCH IT.

I HAVE A FETUS GROWING INSIDE

ANY BELLY.

DO NOT PANIC.

FALL DOWN SOME STAIRS AND TAKE

TAKE A WIRE AND JAM IT UP THERE

AGGRESIVELY AND JUMP IN A

JACUZZI, PREFERABLY SET OVER 120

DEGREES.

STEW IN THERE AS LONG AS

POSSIBLE.

ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE.

>> DANIEL TOSH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> [chuckles]

I FOUND YOU ON GRINDR.

SO I BROUGHT YOU SOME FLOWERS

AND SOME CHEESE.

>> WELL, COME ON IN.

>> WHO IS ALEX?

>> RIGHT NOW I'M AN ENGINEERING

STUDENT IN MARYLAND.

>> HOW'S THAT GOING?

>> PRETTY WELL.

ONLY A--

>> WHAT YEAR ARE YOU?

>> I'M A SENIOR.

I APOLOGIZE.

I STEPPED ON YOU.

THAT'S MY PROBLEM ON THESE

DATES.

I GET NERVOUS AND I DO ALL THE

TALKING.

SOMETIMES YOU NEED JUST--

YOU NEED A GOOD LISTENER.

>> EXACTLY.

>> THAT'S WHAT THE LADIES LIKE.

A GOOD LISTENER.

WHY DID YOU MAKE THAT VIDEO?

>> IT WAS 2007, AND I WAS

HELPING A FRIEND START A DATING

ADVICE COMPANY.

>> AND HOW QUICKLY AFTER IT WENT

ONLINE DID IT BECOME POPULAR?

>> THERE WERE A COUPLE OF YEARS

WHERE IT ONLY HAD A FEW THOUSAND

HITS...

>> UH-HUH.

>> AND THEN TWO YEARS AGO,

IT WAS JUST POSTED EVERYWHERE,

AND IT GOT 200,000.

>> WERE YOU WAKING UP EVERY

MORNING IN A COLD SWEAT, LIKE,

"OH, NO, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?"

>> NO.

NOBODY RECOGNIZED ME.

>> WELL, IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE

YOU GOT RID OF THE FLAVOR SAVER.

>> EXACTLY.

>> HAVE YOU EVER USED A DATING

SITE?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> NEVER USED ONE.

BUT THEN AGAIN, I'M FAMOUS.

MAKES THINGS A LOT EASIER.

WHY ARE YOU GIVING AWAY ALL YOUR

SECRETS ONLINE?

>> WELL, THEY'RE NOT SECRETS.

THEY'RE LINES.

>> HAVE ANY OF YOUR LINES EVER

BACKFIRED ON YOU?

>> LINES IN GENERAL JUST DON'T

WORK.

>> AGREED.

>> IT'S NOT ABOUT LINES.

>> IT'S ABOUT WHAT?

>> BEING IN THE MOMENT.

>> CONFIDENCE.

>> EXACTLY.

>> A GREAT SMILE

AND A SWEET RIDE.

WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

>> '98 HONDA CIVIC.

>> OH!

I DRIVE A STATION WAGON.

NOT THE PANTY DROPPERS THAT YOU

THINK THEY WOULD BE.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SUCCESS WITH

PICKUP LINES?

>> YEAH.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY FUNNY PICKUP

LINES THAT YOU USE EVER?

>> YOU TAKE A DRINK, AND YOU GO

UP TO A GIRL AND YOU SAY,

"HEY, I THINK SOMEONE PUT

SOMETHING IN THIS, YOU KNOW,

LIKE A ROOFIE."

>> SURE.

>> "CAN YOU TRY IT FOR ME?"

>> DO YOU ACTUALLY PUT SOMETHING

IN IT?

>> NO.

>> OH.

WHEN YOU MEET A GIRL,

WHAT IS SHE GETTING?

>> I THINK ADVENTUROUSNESS.

>> NAME SOME OF YOUR PASTIMES.

>> I USED TO SAIL.

>> WHO THE FUCK LIKES TO SAIL?

>> IT WAS A LITTLE TWO-PERSON

SEATER.

>> DO YOU WEAR A SWEATER OVER

YOUR SHOULDERS?

>> NOT ANYMORE.

>> OKAY.

WHAT OTHER PASTIME DO YOU LIKE?

>> I PLAY GUITAR.

>> AND I ASSUME YOU LIKE TO

TRAVEL THROUGH EUROPE.

>> OF COURSE.

>> HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS

GOING SO FAR?

>> CAN I HAVE MY ARM BACK?

>> LISTEN, NO ONE FORCED YOU TO

PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

>> [sighs]

WHERE IS THE BEST PLACE TO MEET

GIRLS?

>> DEPENDS WHAT KIND OF GIRL

YOU LIKE.

>> I LIKE A WHORE.

>> [laughs]

>> WHERE WOULD YOU SAY THE BEST

PLACE TO MEET ONE OF THOSE IS?

>> I WOULDN'T KNOW.

>> OKAY, WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE

TO MEET A SMART, INTERESTING

GIRL THAT'S LOOKING FOR A

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP?

>> A BOOKSTORE.

>> WHAT SECTION IN THE

BOOKSTORE?

>> DEPENDS WHAT YOU LIKE.

>> WHORE.

>> [laughs]

>> IF YOU WERE TO PICK BETWEEN

TWO GIRLS--

ONE HAD A--

SEEMED SUPER SMART,

VERY INTERESTING,

AND ONE WAS JUST A WHORE--

WHICH ONE DO YOU GO TO?

>> THE INTERESTING ONE.

>> MM-MM, NO.

THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE MAKING YOUR

MISTAKE.

YOU ALWAYS GO WITH THE

GUARANTEED SURE THING.

HERE'S MY THEORY:

YOU'RE GONNA GET SICK OF

EVERYONE EVENTUALLY,

SO WHY NOT JUST BE WITH THE ONE

THAT'S THE BIGGEST WHORE?

DO YOU ALSO GIVE ADVICE ON

SEXUAL TECHNIQUES?

>> NOT ANYMORE.

>> OH, SO YOU HAVE?

DID YOU MAKE A VIDEO LIKE THAT

AS WELL?

>> NO.

>> OHH.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF

GOOD IN THE SACK?

>> WHY ARE YOU ASKING?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE, ASK ME IF I'M GOOD IN BED.

>> ARE YOU GOOD IN BED?

>> FIND OUT.

UH, NO--PROBABLY BECAUSE I'VE

BEEN DOING IT FOR SO LONG NOW,

I'D SAY I'M AVERAGE.

BUT IT'S NOT GOOD.

NO ONE'S WALKING AWAY FROM IT

LIKE, "WHOA!"

ARE YOU ROLLING IN THE PUSSY?

>> DEFINE ROLLING.

>> JUST UP TO "HERE."

>> I'M NOT GONNA PUT A HEIGHT

ON IT.

>> DO YOU KEEP A SEX JOURNAL?

>> NO.

>> I LIKE THAT YOU ANSWERED THAT

SERIOUSLY.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

>> YES.

>> YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART

BROKEN?

>> YES.

>> WHAT'S YOUR ADVICE TO GET

OVER A HEARTBREAK?

>> JUST MEET MORE PEOPLE.

>> OUT WITH THE OLD,

IN WITH THE NEW.

HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN BACK

TOGETHER WITH AN EX?

>> YES.

>> THAT NEVER WORKS, DOES IT?

>> NO, BUT IT'S FUN FOR THE

MOMENT.

>> IS IT?

I FEEL IT'S THE OPPOSITE.

BECAUSE THE ONLY PART THAT'S

GOOD IN A RELATIONSHIP ANYWAY

IS THE NEWNESS.

NOW YOU'RE SKIPPING ALL OF THAT

AND YOU'RE JUST GOING RIGHT BACK

TO THE, "OH, NOW I KNOW WHY I

LEFT IN THE FIRST PLACE."

WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF

AN ASS MAN OR A TIT MAN?

>> MORE OF AN ASS MAN.

>> I THINK THAT JUST COMES WITH

MATURITY.

AND WHEN YOU GET SUPER MATURE,

LIKE MYSELF, YOU'RE ALL ABOUT

THE VAGINA.

LIKE, AS LONG AS THAT VAGINA

ISN'T BEAT UP, WE'RE GOOD TO GO.

WHO WAS THE HOTTEST GIRL YOU'VE

EVER DATED?

>> JENNY.

>> I WENT OUT WITH A JENNIFER

ONCE.

SHE LEFT A VOICEMAIL ON MY

MACHINE SAYING, "YOU THINK YOU

CAN CUM ALL OVER MY TITS AND

NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN?"

I SAVED IT FOR SO LONG.

I PLAYED IT TO ANYONE THAT WOULD

LISTEN.

GOD, IT MADE ME LAUGH.

WELL, I SIGNED US UP FOR SPEED

DATING.

ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT THAT?

>> YEAH.

>> GOOD.

I CAN WATCH YOU IN ACTION,

PICK UP A FEW POINTERS,

AND I CAN SEE IF YOU'VE GOTTEN

ANY BETTER.

>> SOUNDS GOOD.

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