March 18, 2014 - Boomer the Dog

  • 03/18/2014

A man passes out in a bathroom stall, Boomer the Dog competes for Best in Show, and Daniel tries to find a suitable lawyer

THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO MARKET

AND GOT HIS FACE RIPPED OFF.

>> GRAB IT AND YANK IT UPWARDS.

BE A MAN.

>> Tosh: I YOU DON'T HAVE THE

LAUNCH CODES AFTER ALL.

MY MISTAKE.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU IN

SANDALS FOR FOUR TO SIX YEARS.

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY POINT THE

OTHER TOES YUMMY RED BY ESSIE.

NOW PUT IT UNDER YOUR PILLOW FOR

THE INGROWN TOE NAIL FAIRY.

I GET MY NAILS DONE AT THE

KOREAN SPA.

THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS.

BEST CURE FOR A HANGOVER?

EXORCISIM

I GUESS HIS PEE SHIVER FROZE

HIM.

WHAT A LOVELY TRIBUTE TO ELVIS.

HE'S DODGING BULLETS IN HIS

CREAM.

-- DREAM.

THE LINDSAY LOHAN DOCUMENTARY

LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

WHO HASN'T NODDED OFF IN A

COMPROMISING POSITION IN A

BATHROOM STALL?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: THAT EXPLAINS THE KINK

IN MY JAW AND BUTTHOLE.

>> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE YOU'LL HAVE

TO KEEP THE BABY.

NOW, LET'S FIND OUT WHY THERE'S

NO SUCH THING AS GARBAGE WOMEN

IN HIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

AH, WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED A

BAGFUL OF TAM UPON WRAPPERS AND

DIET COKE WOULD BE SO HEAVY.

SHE'S DRAWING UPON ORE VAST

KNOWLEDGE OF PHYSICS.

TRY SNEAKING UP ON IT.

IT EXPLAINS WHY YOU GIRLS NEVER

WANT TO GET RID OF ANYTHING.

YOU PHYSICALLY CAN'T.

IN HER DEFENSE IT'S AN UNUSUALLY

HIGH DUMPSTER.

SO THIS IS BROAD CITY.

LESBIAN.

THIS IS THE SADDEST CROSSFIT

CLASS EVER.

GOOD [BLEEP] GRIEF JUST BURN IT

ALREADY.

CLOSE THAT UP.

IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER

NOW.

AT ATHIS RATE THEY'RE GOING TO

MISS TRASH DAY COMPLETELY.

FINALLY.

ONLY HALF HOUR LATE TO BRUNCH.

I'M GLAD THE ONE IN THE PINK CAN

HELP THE TWO THAT STINKS AND FOR

THAT WE THANK YOU.

>> THIS IS A LOOK AT GARY

MATHEWS.

THAT'S HIS REAL NAME BUT FOR THE

MOST PART OF HIS 44 YEARS HE

HASN'T ACTED OR DRESSED LIKE A

HUMAN BEING.

INSTEAD HE'S TAKEN ON THE

PERSONA OF A DOG.

HE FEELS MORE COMFORTABLE IN HIS

BOOMER COSTUME THAN BEING A

HUMAN BEING LIKE THE REST US.

>> Tosh: SOMETHING TELLS ME HE

MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABUSED AS A

PUPPY.

THE FREAK ON A LEASH IS GARY BUT

ANSWERS TO BOOMER THE DOG.

HE'S A MUTT.

PEOPLE GET DOGS FOR

COMPANIONSHIP.

PEOPLE BECOME DOGS BECAUSE THEY

LOCKED EYES WITH ONE WHILE BOTH

PEEING INTO A MAGIC FASHION.

OWNING A DOG IS LIKE A CHILD BUT

HAS THE DECENCY TO DIE BEFORE

THE TEENAGED YEARS.

WE ONLY CREATED DOG YEARS SO WE

DON'T HAVE TO FACE THE FACT THEY

CAN HAVE TEN BABIES BEFORE

THEY'RE TWO OUTSIDE OF OF UTAH.

THEY GET TO HUMP EVERYTHING AND

THEY'RE LIKE FRAT BOYS WITH THE

BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORD

NO AND PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU

RESCUED YOUR DOG.

DRIVING TO THE POUND THE AND

POINTING AT ONE ISN'T A RESCUE

IT'S JUST A USED DOG.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE NEW

CROSSBREEDS?

BOOMER'S A REAL DOG PERSON AND A

RESPECT THAT.

WHEN I FOUND HIM HE WAS SKIN AND

BONES SHIVER IN AN ALLEY AND I

SENT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD WHERE

EVERY BODY'S A BETTER ACTOR THAN

TAYLOR KITSCH IN THIS WEEK'S

CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.

HOW WAS YOUR FLIGHT?

GOOD BOY.

SPEAK.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU DANIEL, I'M

BOOMER.

>> Tosh: NICE TO MEET YOU

BOOMER.

[ BARKING ]

WHEN YOU'RE NOT IN YOUR DOG

COSTUME SHOULD I CALL YOU GARY

OR BOOMER.

>> I'M BOOMER THE DOG.

THAT'S WHAT MY FRIENDS KNOW ME

AS.

>> Tosh: CAN YOUR FRIENDS TALK?

>> THEY'RE REGULAR PEOPLE MOST

OF THEM AND I HAVE DOG FRIENDS

TOO.

>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE A JOB?

>> NO, I'D LIKE TO DO MORE IN

THE DOG REALM MAYBE MASCOT AND

DO THINGS FOR PARTIES.

>> Tosh: WHAT BREED ARE YOU?

>> SHEPHARD.

>> Tosh: AT WHAT AGE DID YOU SAY

I'M FEELING MORE LIKE A DOG THAN

A HUMAN.

>> 14 YEARS OLD.

I HAD A DREAM OF TRANS FORMING

INTO A DOG.

I LIKE THINK I'M A BRIDGE

BETWEEN THE K-9 AND HUMAN WORLD.

>> Tosh: SO YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD

DOG.

[ BARKING ]

>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?

IT FEELS NATURAL

>> IT MAKES ME FEEL MORE K-9.

>> Tosh: WANT A TREAT?

GOOD BOY.

THESE AREN'T BAD.

IS IT THE SAME SUIT YOU'VE HAD

THE ENTIRE TIME OR MULTIPLE

SUITS?

>> THE SAME ACTUAL SUITS.

MAYBE EVERY MONTH I MAINTAIN IT

BECAUSE IT'S SHREDDED PAPER.

IT'S ACTUALLY TOUGHER THAN YOU

THINK IT WOULD BE.

>> Tosh: I IMAGINE IT'S PRETTY

HARD.

DO YOU NEIGHBORS COMPLAIN ABOUT

YOU PEEING ON THE YARD?

>> MAYBE PRIVATELY BECAUSE

PEOPLE SAY HOW MANY DEAD

CHILDREN DOES HE HAVE IN HIS

BASEMENT?

>> Tosh: THE ANSWER?

>> NONE.

>> Tosh: DO YOU HOWL?

>> WHEN THE SIRENS GO OFF.

>> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU

SING.

I ALWAYS DO THAT TO MY DOG, SING

AND THEY START GOING CRAZY.

OH, IT'S FUN.

>> THEY GO OFF WITH SIREN TOO.

>> Tosh: IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD YOU

DON'T HEAR A LOT OF SIRENS.

HAVE YOU EVER WALKED A DOG?

>> I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A BREED

THAT WALKED HIM.

>> Tosh: THAT'S FUNNY IF YOU

WERE FULL SIZE AND SHE HAD A

PUPPY WITH A LITTLE LEASH

WALKING YOUR DOG.

>> THAT'S A GREAT PHOTO.

I'D PUT IT ON MY CHRISTMAS CARD.

>> Tosh: A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS

CARD.

ARE YOU FIXED?

>> THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY A DOG

THING.

THAT'S WHAT HUMANS DO TO DOGS.

>> Tosh: GOT POINT.

CAN YOU LICK YOUR OWN BALLS?

>> I DON'T THINK SO.

>> Tosh: YOU HAVEN'T TRIED?

WHAT KIND OF DOG ARE YOU.

I'M THIS FAR AWAY AT THE HEIGHT

OF MY FLEXIBILITY MAYBE THIS

FAR.

WHEN YOU HAVE SEX DOGGY STYLE SO

YOU SAY ME STYLE.

>> NOT REALLY.

>> Tosh: YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX?

>> I JUST PLAYED AROUND.

I LIKE ANTHROPOMORPHIC CREATURES

THE FANTASY OF THE HALF DOG AND

HALF HUMAN.

THEY DON'T EXIST.

IT'S AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT.

>> Tosh: WHAT I'M ATTRACTED TO

ALSO DOESN'T EXIST.

>> WHAT IS THAT, MAY I ASK?

>> Tosh: IT'S NOT ABOUT ME,

BOOMER AND IT'S NOT GOING TO END

PRETTY.

>> WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG AND PLAY

DOG NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING BUT

THERE COMES AN AGE WHEN YOU HAVE

TO BE START BEING RESPONSIBLE.

>> Tosh: EIGHT.

>> MAYBE EIGHT.

YOU NEED YOUR OWN PHONE.

>> Tosh: YOU JUST CAN'T BE A DOG

ANY MORE.

OLD YELLER, LASSIE, SNOOPY?

>> I'D MARRY LASSIE.

>> Tosh: NO-BRAINER YOU'D MARRY

LASSIE.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AND NOBODY'S

DYING IN THE WELL UNDER HER

WATCH.

ALWAYS IN THE WELL.

WHY DON'T YOU CLOSE IT UP.

>> PUT CEMENT IN AND SAND.

>> Tosh: OR A BOARD OVER IT

PERMANENTLY.

I ENTERED YOU IN THE DOG SHOW

AND SINCE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

COMPETING FOR GUY WHO THINGS

HE'S A DOG YOU'LL BE COMPETING

FOR BEST IN SHOW.

HAVE YOU TO GO POTTY, BOOMER?

GOOD BOY.

COME ON.

LET'S GO WIN THIS THING.

>> WELCOME BACK TO THE NORTH

WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW.

BY BEST BUY LIKE AMAZON WITH

LESS SELECTION AND HIGHER PRICES

AN BY PAPER CLIPS.

THE ONLY WAY TO HOLD PAPER

TOGETHER BESIDES STAPLES.

FIRST UP THE NON-WORKING

CATEGORY, BOOMER THE DOG.

HE'S A 48-YEAR-OLD MIXED BREED

WITH FUR MADE OF RECYCLED COPIER

PAPER.

LOOK AT THE HOG ON BOOMER.

EASY TO SEE WHY HE'S THE CROWD

FAVORITE.

>> TAKE HIM DOWN AND BACK.

>> COME ON, BOY, I NEED YOU TO

SHINE.

>> THE TIME HAS COME FOR EACH

BEST IN BREED TO COMPETE FOR THE

COVETED TITLE OF BEST IN SHOW.

BOOMER AS A CLEAR STANDOUT OF

THE GROUP MOSTLY BECAUSE HE'S A

MAN.

FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE GUY WITH

THE INVISIBLE DOG.

HIS DOG RECENTLY DIED.

>> THE POODLE, THE HAVONESE AND

THE BOOMER.

>> I'M BAFFLED BY THE JUDGE'S

DECISION BUT THEN AGAIN I HAVE

NO IDEA HOW THIS WORKS.

>> THIRD, SECOND, BEST IN SHOW.

>> I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE A

PERSON WIN A DOG SHOW BUT THEN

AGAIN I NEVER THOUGHT CONAN

WOULD BE ON TELEVISION FOR 25

YEARS.

THERE'S THE CELEBRATION.

WELL DESERVED.

>> Tosh: BAD NEWS, GUYS.

UNFORTUNATELY BOOMER RAN AWAY.

YOU SEE HIM PLEASE CONTACT ME.

THERE'S A $25,000 REWARD.

DEAD OR ALIVE.

I JUST NEED CLOSURE.

>> HI, IS THIS JEN THAT WORKS AT

"TOSH.0."

THIS IS GAY.

I HAVE A COUPLE OF THINGS I'D

LIKE TO SAY TO YOU RIGHT NOW AND

GET THEM OFF MY CHEST.

ONE, YOU UPLOAD THAT VIDEO OF ME

AND MY MOM CINDY WITHOUT MY

PERMISSION, WHERE'S OUR CASH?

TWO, WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU

GUYS GET OFF TELLING PEOPLE I

SAID DOGS [BLEEP].

THREE, IF YOU DON'T COUGH UP

THAT MONEY THAT YOU OWE ME AND

MY MOM FOR THAT VIDEO YOU'RE

SHOW'S GETTING SHUT DOWN AND YOU

TWO ARE GOING GET THE BIGGEST,

FASTEST LAWSUIT AND YES WE'LL

SHOE YOU FOR $50,000.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

DON'T CALL THIS CELL PHONE BACK.

>> Tosh: ONE, I GET SUED

CONSTANTLY.

TWO, DON'T HAVE A TWO.

THREE, IF YOU YOKELS THINK

COMEDY CENTRAL CAN AFFORD TO

SHELL OUT $50,000 OF HUSH MONEY

YOUR DUMBER THAN YOU LOOK AND

SOUND.

FOUR, I'M CERTAIN I NEVER

MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT SUCKING

DOG [BLEEP].

YOU HAVE TO FIGHT STUPID WITH

STUPID AND I CAN'T THINK OF A

BETTER PLACE THAN THE INTERNET

TO FIND THE DUMBEST WORKING

LAWYERS.

HERE'S AN AD FOR THE SERVICE

ATTORNEY I'M CONSIDERING.

>> FOR MY FIRST 25 YEARS A

DEFENDED TRUCKING COMPANIES IN

ACCIDENT CASES.

NOW, YOU WON'T FIND ME UNDER, IN

FRONT OF AND CERTAINLY NOT

STANDING ON TOP OF A TRUCK.

WHERE YOU WILL FIND ME IS IN THE

COURTROOM PROTECTING YOUR RIGHTS

IF YOU'VE BEEN HURT IN A TRUCK

ACCIDENT.

>> Tosh: I LIKE A GUY NOT AFRAID

TO SUFFER QUALITY TO GET THINGS

DONE QUICKLY.

THAT'S HOW I DO THE SHOW.

GOOD ENOUGH?

NOW?

I THINK THE NEXT COMMERCIAL IS

FROM A LAW FIRM BUT IT'S SO

CONFUSING IT MAY BE FROM THE

KROLL SHOW.

>> THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT

RECENTLY INVOLVING ROLL-ROVERS

AND INJURY TO PASSENGERS.

AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO SAY

THEY DESERVE.

I DON'T LIKE CONSOLING THE

PARENTS IT'S HAPPENED BUT I'LL

DO IT UNTIL IT STOPS.

WILL YOU PLEASE STOP.

>> Tosh: WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE

YOU TALKING ABOUT, STEVE HOY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE DRESSES LIKE

A PUPPETEER BUT I AGREE WE NEED

TO STOP.

PLEASE STOP.

THE FINAL CANDIDATE IS FROM

CANADA BY WAY OF THE ORIENT.

THIS IS 100% REAL COMMERCIAL.

>> I NEEDED A GOOD LAWYER.

CONFUCIUS SAY I'M HAPPY DOT COM.

H-A-P-P-Y.COM.

THESE ARE GOOD.

>> Tosh: YOU ARE HIRED!

I LIKE HIS ENERGY.

MY LAWSUITS COULD USE A POSITIVE

SLANT SO PLEASE WELCOME MY NEW

LAWYER, PATRICK.

>> HELLO, DANIEL SON.

ME LIKEY BE YOUR LAWYER.

>> Tosh: THAT'S EXTREMELY

OFFENSIVE.

WHY DON'T YOU DIAL BACK THE

STEREOTYPE.

>> I'M SORRY.

CONFUCIUS SAY YOU WIN CASE.

>> Tosh: THERE'S NO WAY YOU WANT

TO HEAR THIS.

>> OKAY.

YOU GOT CHINESE MAN ON TOP OF

WHITE WOMAN.

>> Tosh: SOMEONE, PLEASE, CUT

HIS FEED.

>> I LOVE SO MUCH.

>> Tosh: NEVER FUNNY.

NEVER.

>> THAT'S IMPORTANT.

I BIG FAN.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU.

LOOKS LIKE I JUST GOT THE BEST

LEGAL REPUTATION MONEY CAN BUY.

SO I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT,

BITCHES.

HOMETOWN.

FINALLY I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW

THE SHOW CHEATERS.

WELL, IT JUST GOT SYNDICATED IN

THE MIDDLE EAST.

I HAVE TO WARN YOU THE IMAGES

YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE ARE MORE

GRAPHIC THAN THE AMERICAN

VERSION.

>> I KNOW THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR

YOU TO WATCH BUT HOW DOES IT

MAKE YOU FEEL?

>> OH, NO HE DIDN'T.

I'M GOING KILL HIM WHEN HE GET

HOME.

HE TOLD ME I WAS THE ONLY DONKEY

FOR HIM.

HEE-HAU.

>> I DON'T WANT OUR COMPETERS

PARODY TO CHANGE THE FACT WE SAW

SOMETHING WRONG.

FINALLY I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW

THE SHOW CHEATERS.

WELL, IT JUST GOT SYNDICATED IN

THE MIDDLE EAST.

I HAVE TO WARN YOU THE IMAGES

YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE ARE MORE

GRAPHIC THAN THE AMERICAN

VERSION.

>> I KNOW THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR

YOU TO WATCH BUT HOW DOES IT

MAKE YOU FEEL?

>> OH, NO HE DIDN'T.

I'M GOING KILL HIM WHEN HE GET

HOME.

HE TOLD ME I WAS THE ONLY DONKEY

FOR HIM.

HEE-HAU.

>> I DON'T WANT OUR COMPETERS

PARODY TO CHANGE THE FACT WE SAW

SOMETHING WRONG.

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