March 18, 2014 - Boomer the Dog

  • 03/18/2014

A man passes out in a bathroom stall, Boomer the Dog competes for Best in Show, and Daniel tries to find a suitable lawyer

THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO MARKET

AND GOT HIS FACE RIPPED OFF.

>> GRAB IT AND YANK IT UPWARDS.

BE A MAN.

>> Tosh: I YOU DON'T HAVE THE

LAUNCH CODES AFTER ALL.

MY MISTAKE.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU IN

SANDALS FOR FOUR TO SIX YEARS.

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY POINT THE

OTHER TOES YUMMY RED BY ESSIE.

NOW PUT IT UNDER YOUR PILLOW FOR

THE INGROWN TOE NAIL FAIRY.

I GET MY NAILS DONE AT THE

KOREAN SPA.

THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS.

BEST CURE FOR A HANGOVER?

EXORCISIM

I GUESS HIS PEE SHIVER FROZE

HIM.

WHAT A LOVELY TRIBUTE TO ELVIS.

HE'S DODGING BULLETS IN HIS

CREAM.

-- DREAM.

THE LINDSAY LOHAN DOCUMENTARY

LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

WHO HASN'T NODDED OFF IN A

COMPROMISING POSITION IN A

BATHROOM STALL?

[LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: THAT EXPLAINS THE KINK

IN MY JAW AND BUTTHOLE.

>> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE YOU'LL HAVE

TO KEEP THE BABY.

NOW, LET'S FIND OUT WHY THERE'S

NO SUCH THING AS GARBAGE WOMEN

IN HIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

AH, WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED A

BAGFUL OF TAM UPON WRAPPERS AND

DIET COKE WOULD BE SO HEAVY.

SHE'S DRAWING UPON ORE VAST

KNOWLEDGE OF PHYSICS.

TRY SNEAKING UP ON IT.

IT EXPLAINS WHY YOU GIRLS NEVER

WANT TO GET RID OF ANYTHING.

YOU PHYSICALLY CAN'T.

IN HER DEFENSE IT'S AN UNUSUALLY

HIGH DUMPSTER.

SO THIS IS BROAD CITY.

LESBIAN.

THIS IS THE SADDEST CROSSFIT

CLASS EVER.

GOOD [BLEEP] GRIEF JUST BURN IT

ALREADY.

CLOSE THAT UP.

IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER

NOW.

AT ATHIS RATE THEY'RE GOING TO

MISS TRASH DAY COMPLETELY.

FINALLY.

ONLY HALF HOUR LATE TO BRUNCH.

I'M GLAD THE ONE IN THE PINK CAN

HELP THE TWO THAT STINKS AND FOR

THAT WE THANK YOU.

>> HI, IS THIS JEN THAT WORKS AT

"TOSH.0."

THIS IS GAY.

I HAVE A COUPLE OF THINGS I'D

LIKE TO SAY TO YOU RIGHT NOW AND

GET THEM OFF MY CHEST.

ONE, YOU UPLOAD THAT VIDEO OF ME

AND MY MOM CINDY WITHOUT MY

PERMISSION, WHERE'S OUR CASH?

TWO, WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU

GUYS GET OFF TELLING PEOPLE I

SAID DOGS [BLEEP].

THREE, IF YOU DON'T COUGH UP

THAT MONEY THAT YOU OWE ME AND

MY MOM FOR THAT VIDEO YOU'RE

SHOW'S GETTING SHUT DOWN AND YOU

TWO ARE GOING GET THE BIGGEST,

FASTEST LAWSUIT AND YES WE'LL

SHOE YOU FOR $50,000.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

DON'T CALL THIS CELL PHONE BACK.

>> Tosh: ONE, I GET SUED

CONSTANTLY.

TWO, DON'T HAVE A TWO.

THREE, IF YOU YOKELS THINK

COMEDY CENTRAL CAN AFFORD TO

SHELL OUT $50,000 OF HUSH MONEY

YOUR DUMBER THAN YOU LOOK AND

SOUND.

FOUR, I'M CERTAIN I NEVER

MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT SUCKING

DOG [BLEEP].

YOU HAVE TO FIGHT STUPID WITH

STUPID AND I CAN'T THINK OF A

BETTER PLACE THAN THE INTERNET

TO FIND THE DUMBEST WORKING

LAWYERS.

HERE'S AN AD FOR THE SERVICE

ATTORNEY I'M CONSIDERING.

>> FOR MY FIRST 25 YEARS A

DEFENDED TRUCKING COMPANIES IN

ACCIDENT CASES.

NOW, YOU WON'T FIND ME UNDER, IN

FRONT OF AND CERTAINLY NOT

STANDING ON TOP OF A TRUCK.

WHERE YOU WILL FIND ME IS IN THE

COURTROOM PROTECTING YOUR RIGHTS

IF YOU'VE BEEN HURT IN A TRUCK

ACCIDENT.

>> Tosh: I LIKE A GUY NOT AFRAID

TO SUFFER QUALITY TO GET THINGS

DONE QUICKLY.

THAT'S HOW I DO THE SHOW.

GOOD ENOUGH?

NOW?

I THINK THE NEXT COMMERCIAL IS

FROM A LAW FIRM BUT IT'S SO

CONFUSING IT MAY BE FROM THE

KROLL SHOW.

>> THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT

RECENTLY INVOLVING ROLL-ROVERS

AND INJURY TO PASSENGERS.

AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO SAY

THEY DESERVE.

I DON'T LIKE CONSOLING THE

PARENTS IT'S HAPPENED BUT I'LL

DO IT UNTIL IT STOPS.

WILL YOU PLEASE STOP.

>> Tosh: WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE

YOU TALKING ABOUT, STEVE HOY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE DRESSES LIKE

A PUPPETEER BUT I AGREE WE NEED

TO STOP.

PLEASE STOP.

THE FINAL CANDIDATE IS FROM

CANADA BY WAY OF THE ORIENT.

THIS IS 100% REAL COMMERCIAL.

>> I NEEDED A GOOD LAWYER.

CONFUCIUS SAY I'M HAPPY DOT COM.

H-A-P-P-Y.COM.

THESE ARE GOOD.

>> Tosh: YOU ARE HIRED!

I LIKE HIS ENERGY.

MY LAWSUITS COULD USE A POSITIVE

SLANT SO PLEASE WELCOME MY NEW

LAWYER, PATRICK.

>> HELLO, DANIEL SON.

ME LIKEY BE YOUR LAWYER.

>> Tosh: THAT'S EXTREMELY

OFFENSIVE.

WHY DON'T YOU DIAL BACK THE

STEREOTYPE.

>> I'M SORRY.

CONFUCIUS SAY YOU WIN CASE.

>> Tosh: THERE'S NO WAY YOU WANT

TO HEAR THIS.

>> OKAY.

YOU GOT CHINESE MAN ON TOP OF

WHITE WOMAN.

>> Tosh: SOMEONE, PLEASE, CUT

HIS FEED.

>> I LOVE SO MUCH.

>> Tosh: NEVER FUNNY.

NEVER.

>> THAT'S IMPORTANT.

I BIG FAN.

>> Tosh: THANK YOU.

LOOKS LIKE I JUST GOT THE BEST

LEGAL REPUTATION MONEY CAN BUY.

SO I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT,

BITCHES.

HOMETOWN.

FINALLY I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW

THE SHOW CHEATERS.

WELL, IT JUST GOT SYNDICATED IN

THE MIDDLE EAST.

I HAVE TO WARN YOU THE IMAGES

YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE ARE MORE

GRAPHIC THAN THE AMERICAN

VERSION.

>> I KNOW THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR

YOU TO WATCH BUT HOW DOES IT

MAKE YOU FEEL?

>> OH, NO HE DIDN'T.

I'M GOING KILL HIM WHEN HE GET

HOME.

HE TOLD ME I WAS THE ONLY DONKEY

FOR HIM.

HEE-HAU.

>> I DON'T WANT OUR COMPETERS

PARODY TO CHANGE THE FACT WE SAW

SOMETHING WRONG.

FINALLY I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW

THE SHOW CHEATERS.

WELL, IT JUST GOT SYNDICATED IN

THE MIDDLE EAST.

I HAVE TO WARN YOU THE IMAGES

YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE ARE MORE

GRAPHIC THAN THE AMERICAN

VERSION.

>> I KNOW THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR

YOU TO WATCH BUT HOW DOES IT

MAKE YOU FEEL?

>> OH, NO HE DIDN'T.

I'M GOING KILL HIM WHEN HE GET

HOME.

HE TOLD ME I WAS THE ONLY DONKEY

FOR HIM.

HEE-HAU.

>> I DON'T WANT OUR COMPETERS

PARODY TO CHANGE THE FACT WE SAW

SOMETHING WRONG.

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