October 8, 2009 - Tron Guy

  • 10/08/2009

Internet Fred's biggest fan defends Fred's fame, and Tron Guy gets a Web Redemption.

I CAN'T.

[grunting]UHH!

- COME ON, BRENDA!

- OH! I'D BREAK MY OWN LEG

BEFORE I LETGILBERT GRAPE'S MOM RIDE ME.

I THINK IT'S GREAT THATSHE'S OUTSIDE GETTING EXERCISE.

AND IT'D BE EASYTO MAKE A BUNCH OF FAT JOKES.

AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE GONNA DO ITIN THIS WEEK'S VIDEO BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT.FIRST, NOTICE THE CAMO SHIRT.

SHE GOT THATFROM AN ARMY-SURPLUS STORE.

IT WAS USED TO PROVIDE SHELTERFOR THREE PLATOONS.

ALL RIGHT, ROLL IT.IT STARTS OFF PRETTY HORRIBLE.

I MEAN, IF YOU NEED THE HELPOF A PICKUP TRUCK

TO GET ON A HORSE,

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CHOOSEANOTHER LEISURE-TIME ACTIVITY.

- I CAN'T.- "I CAN'T"?

YOU MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T.

COME ON, BRENDA."I CAN'T"?

THEN WHO'S GONNA AVENGETHE DEATH OF YOUR BROTHER?

- BACK.BACK.

- THIS IS TOO MUCH WORK.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHOIT'S TOO MUCH WORK FOR--

THE HORSE.

YOU KNOW THAT OLD EXPRESSION,

"I'M SO HUNGRY,I COULD EAT A HORSE"?

I'M PRETTY SURETHAT'S WHAT SPOOKED HIM.

- [Bleep] YOU, DENNIS.

- YOU LEAVE DENNISOUT OF THIS.

HE'S LETTING YOU MAX OUTTHE PAYLOAD OF HIS TACOMA.

ALL RIGHT!SHE GETS ONE LEG OVER!

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!

AND IF YOU LISTENREAL CAREFULLY,

YOU CAN HEAR THE HORSE'SSPIRIT AND SPINE BREAKING.

- OH...

- AH...

AND SHE'S OFF.FUN RIDE, THOUGH.

THIS IS WHAT ROCK BOTTOMLOOKS LIKE.

IT'S OKAY, BRENDA.YOU CAN STILL RIDE THE TRUCK.

AND AS FOR DENNIS,

WHO HAD THE FORESIGHTTO STAND FAR ENOUGH BACK

SO THAT HE COULD GETALL OF THAT COWGIRL IN FRAME

AND PUT IT ON THE INTERNET--[bleep] YOU, DENNIS.

[Bleep] YOU SO MUCH.

- AND NOW...

OH, YEAH.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- OH, I UNDERSTAND CRYSTAL!

YOU'RE GOING TO A HOME,OLD MAN!

OH, YE-AH!

- I'M GONNA JUMP!

- HO HO HO OH!

THE ONLY WAYYOU'RE GOIN' OFF THIS ROOF

IS IF I THROW YOU.

OH, YE-AH!

OH HO HO!

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU MISSEDA SPOT OVER THERE.

OH, YE-AH!

[crying]

OH, IT'S TIME TO GOTO SLEEP, LITTLE GIRL.

OH, YE-AH!

LIGHTS OUT!

- AND THAT WAS...

MAYBE YOU NEED TO CHECK WITHFRED'S NUMBER-ONE FAN, JAKE,

WHO'S A 10-YEAR-OLD BOY.

UH, JAKE, THANKSFOR BEING ON THE SHOW.

- PLEASURE TO BE HERE, DANIEL.

- HEY, WHY IS FRED FUNNY?

- WELL, I THINK HE'S FUNNY,BECAUSE, UM,

HE--HE TALKS LIKE--YAAAH, YAH, YAH, YAH,

AND HE MAKES LIKE REALLYWEIRD FACES, AND, UM...

AND HE HAS REALLY GOOD JOKES.

- ALL RIGHT,STAY OFF THE JESUS JUICE!

- [laughing]

- REMEMBER TO KEEP OUR SECRET.

[laughter and applause]

[sighs]

I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT JAKEIS AS PASSIONATE ABOUT FRED--

[bleep]

[laughter and groans]

- HANG IN THERE.IT GETS WORSE.

- MOTHER[bleep]!TAKE DAT!

[overlapping screaming]

GOING TO D'JAIS IN MY CAR!B-E-L...

- M-A-R!

[dance music playing]

- BABY BLUE,I SEE YOU IN TWO WEEKS!

BABY BLUE!

- YOU GOTTA BE SMILING.YOU GOTTA BE DANCING.

YOU GOTTA BESHAKING THAT ASS!

- YOU BETTER STEP IT UP,MOTHER[bleep]!

- OH...I MISS BEING 37.

I BET THE ENTIRE CARPOOL LANESMELLS LIKE AXE BODY SPRAY.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHYI LOVE THIS VIDEO SO MUCH?

BECAUSE IT REMINDS MEOF WHEN ME AND MY FRIENDS

HEAD TO THE JERSEY SHORE.

- NOW WE'RE TALKIN'VIDEO STATUS.

WHOA!- WHOA!

- MOTHER[bleep] DJs!

- WHO'S THAT DJ, BOY?

- WOW! I'M READY!

[laughter]

- ARE...YOU...READY?

- GOING TO D'JAISIN MY CAR.

B-E-L!- M-A-R!

- WHOO.

- YO, THAT'S WHY I GOTMY HAT ON!

- BABY BLUE,I SEE YOU IN TWO WEEKS.

BABY BLUE!

- YOU GOTTA BE SMILIN'.YOU GOTTA BE DANCIN'.

YOU GOTTA BESHAKIN' THAT ASS!

- YOU BETTER STEP IT UP,MOTHER[bleep]!

- WHOO!

HELLO.

HAS THE TRON PARTY OF TWOSHOWN UP?

[laughs]

TELL ME WHY YOU LOVETHE MOVIE TRON.

- TRON REALLY CAUGHTMY IMAGINATION,

BUT I NEVER REALLY HADANY OUTLET FOR IT.

IT STRUCK ME THAT TRON,

BEING A SCIENCE-FICTION MOVIEABOUT COMPUTERS,

WOULD BE A PERFECT SOURCETO DRAW INSPIRATION FROM.

- IT LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF SPANDEX

AND THEN JUSTSOME HOCKEY EQUIPMENT.

- ACTUALLY, THAT'S A PRETTYGOOD DESCRIPTION.

- WELL, I THINKYOU DID A GREAT JOB.

- THE UNITARDWAS CUSTOM-MADE AND DYED.

THIS COLOR PAINT I PICKED

BECAUSE I THOUGHTIT CLOSELY MATCHED THE COLOR.

THESE ARE FOOTBALLSHOULDER GUARDS.

THIS IS FORM PVC.

THIS IS ELECTROLUMINESCENT WIRETHAT'S THREADED THROUGH HOLES...

THE HELMET--YOU'RE RIGHT,IT'S A HOCKEY HELMET.

THIS IS THE SAME HOCKEY HELMET

THEY USED FOR THE CHARACTERSIN THE MOVIE.

- DO YOU READWHAT PEOPLE WRITE?

- I DO, BUT I DECIDED THAT,IN THE END,

I WAS GONNA HAVE FUN MY WAY.

IF THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT,THAT WAS THEIR PROBLEM.

- WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?- EXACTLY.

I'M SITTING HERE TALKINGTO THE GUY

ON COMEDY CENTRAL, AFTER ALL.

- A GUY.[laughing]

ARE YOU READYTO BEGIN OUR TRAINING?

- LET'S DO IT.- LET'S PLAY SOME FRISBEE.

- IT'S AN IDENTITY DISK.- IDENTITY DISK.

DOES TRON HAVE ANY, UH--- WHAT?

HEADS UP!

TERM--BOY, THAT WASLOUSY, WASN'T IT?

WHOOPS![laughs]

HEY, GOOD CATCH!

EHH.

HEY.BOY, THAT WAS USELESS.

- ALL RIGHT, ENOUGHOF THE IDENTITY DISK.

LET'S WORK ON YOUR CARDIO.

HAVE YOU EVER BEENON A TRON CYCLE?

- NOPE.- ARE THEY FAST?

- I'M NOT SURE THAT FAST HOLDSANY MEANING IN THAT UNIVERSE.

- AH...

- YOU KNOW,WHEN YOU START THINKING

ABOUT WHAT GOES ONINSIDE A COMPUTER

AND TURNING ITINTO SOMETHING

THAT A HUMAN SUCKED INTOTHE MACHINE COULD UNDERSTAND,

YOU HAVETO ANTHROPOMORPHIZE IT,

AND...[clears throat]

- LEFT!

RIGHT!

RIGHT.- COME ON. AH!

- OUR IDEAFOR THE WEB REDEMPTION,

SINCE YOU ALREADYHAVE THE SUIT,

WAS TO GET YOUIN THE TRON WORLD.

HOW DOES THAT SOUND TO YOU?- THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC.

- I HOPE YOU'RE UPFOR THE BATTLE.

- I THINK I AM.

YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

YOU'RE IN TOPPHYSICAL CONDITION.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE ITANOTHER SHOT?

- LET'S DO IT.

- GOOD LUCK.AND MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.

- UM...

- OH, MY GOODNESS!IT WORKS!

ENJOY THE RIDE, TRON GUY![cackling]

I'LL SEE HIMON THE OTHER SIDE.

- NOW THAT I'VE ENTEREDTHE MACHINE,

MY POWERSHAVE NEVER BEEN STRONGER.

- NOT SO FAST, TRON GUY.

ONE MORE STEP,AND THE GIRL GETS IT.

- SAVE ME, TRON GUY,SAVE ME!

- LET HER GO.

- FIRST, YOU'LL HAVETO CATCH ME.

- STAY BACK, OR THE GIRLWILL BE DEREZED.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.

- NO!

- BY THE POWER OF MY USER.

- [wheezy gasp]

OOH...OOH...

- I LOVE YOU, TRON GUY.

[cheers and applause]

- [speaking Italian]

- OH!

[upbeat music]

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU.ALL RIGHT.

[applause]

THAT'S A SHAME.

HEY, HE MAY HAVESCREWED UP THE DIVE,

BUT HE LOOKS FANTASTICIN A SPEEDO.

THAT'S THE PROBLEMWITH OUR SHOW.

IF YOU SEE A SEXY ITALIAN GUYON A DIVING BOARD,

YOU KNOWIT'S NOT GONNA GO WELL.

BUT WHAT YOU COULDN'T SEE ISTHAT HE'S A SYNCHRONIZED DIVER,

AND THE GUY NEXT TO HIMDID THE EXACT SAME THING.

CAN WE SEE THE WIDE SHOT?

YEAH. LOOKS LIKE CHINAWILL BE DIVING FOR SECOND.

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