October 22, 2009 - Crying Giants Fan

  • 10/22/2009

Bill Allen recreates a scene from "Rad," and the Crying Giants Fan gets a Web Redemption.

YOUR BODY WILL JUST FOLLOWNATURALLY.

- REALLY?

- BESIDES,IF YOU DO MAKE IT

AND THOSE MATTRESSESARE THERE,

YOU'RE JUST GONNAWIPE OUT ANYWAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?

- NO GUTS, NO GLORY.

- [exhales]

LUKE,TAKE THE MATTRESSES OUT.

- IT'S YOUR BUTT, PAL.

- WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.

['80s upbeat music]

- THIS IS STUPID.

- [chattering indistinctly]

[audience ohs]

- OH, OH, OH! YOU WERESO CLOSE TO THE BORDER.

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT YOU GETFOR DRIVING

A GAS-GUZZLING SUV,YOU PRICK.

ALL RIGHT,LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK

AND ASSESS THE DAMAGEIN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

- THIS FAMILY HAS THE WORST LAWNON THE BLOCK.

DAD CLEARLY ISN'T BRINGINGHIS WORK HOME WITH HIM.

[laughter]

THE MOST SURPRISING PARTOF THIS VIDEO

IS THAT THE WHOLE VILLAGEOF SANTA POCO

WASN'T IN THE CARWITH HIM.

NOTICE HIS SISTERSHOVING HIM.

THAT'S JUST PROOFTHAT 100% OF CAR ACCIDENTS

ARE CAUSED BY WOMEN.

[laughter]

WHO'D HAVE GUESSED THEY'DHAVE TO PUSH-START THEIR TOYS?

WATCH ENRIQUE REALIZEHIS BRAKES HAVE BEEN CUT.

HE PANICS, TRIES TO STOPTHE CAR FLINTSTONE-STYLE,

BUT HE'S PAST THE POINTOF NO RETURN.

NOW ALL HE CAN DOIS HOLD ON

AND KEEP HERPOINTING DOWNHILL.

OH! EITHER HIS ALIGNMENTIS OFF

OR THAT'S THE SIDE OF THE CARHE STASHED THE COCAINE ON.

EITHER WAY, POWER WHEELSCAN'T HANDLE TURNS

AT THAT HIGH SPEED.

EVERYONE KNOWS THOSE JEEPSARE DANGEROUSLY TOP-HEAVY.

MAYBE HE'LLSTRAIGHTEN IT OUT.

NOT A CHANCE.

HE FAILS TO PULL OFFTHE TOKYO DRIFT.

YOU GOTTA TURNINTO THE SKID.

COME ON!

OH, MAN, SOMEONE'SGONNA NEED A SIESTA.

[laughter]

I JUST HOPENOBODY WAS HURT,

BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE DOESN'THAVE ANY INSURANCE.

[audience groans]

BECAUSE HE'S A CHILD.

[laughter]

AND HERE'S A LESSONFOR ALL YOU KIDS OUT THERE.

WEAR A HELMET, EVEN THOUGH ITMAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A DORK.

AND I KNOW YOU'RE LIKE,"COOL KIDS DON'T WEAR 'EM."

THAT'S BECAUSETHEY'RE NOT CLUMSY.

[laughter]

I'M JUST GLAD HIS MOMDID THE RIGHT THING

AND KEPTTHE CAMERA ROLLING,

AND FOR THAT,WE SAY GRACIAS.

[laughter]

- AND NOW...

[rock music]

- HEY, GUYS.- [screaming]

FLAVOR TO THE SHOW.

[wind blowing]

[laughter]

- YEAH, IT'S THE LIGHTER SIDEOF TERRORISM.

[laughter]

OKAY, I HAVE TO SAY THIS.

DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME.

THEY ARE CLEARLYPROFESSIONALS

AND THEY ARE DOING THISFOR A MOVIE

AND IT'S CLEARLY DONEON A CLOSED COURSE.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, NOW THATWE TOOK CARE OF THAT,

PLEASE SEND US YOUR VIDEOS.

NO, I'M--[laughs]THAT'S A JOKE. DON'T.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE

HOW MANYFUNNY/SLIGHTLY RACIST COMMENTS

WE CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS.

[exhales]

HOW MUCH OIL DO THEY HAVE?

[laughter]

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY USEDMAGIC CARPETS.

[laughter]

THEY'RE GETTING MORE CREATIVEWITH THEIR SUICIDES.

[laughter]

IT'S LIKE A TEAM-BUILDINGEXERCISE FOR OPEC.

TRUST ME, IF YOU ATE FALAFELAND FLATBREAD EVERY DAY,

YOU'D TAKE MORE CHANCES TOO.

SAY WHAT YOU WILL, THIS [bleep]NEVER HAPPENED UNDER SADDAM.

[laughter]

DO YOU MISS SADDAM?I DON'T.

I THINK WE DIDTHE RIGHT THING,

BUT I THINK INVADING ORIGINALLYWAS PROBABLY--

NEVER MIND.

THIS ISN'T THE PLACE.

HAVE A SEAT.- THANK YOU, SIR.

- OH, I'M GLADYOU COULD COME OVER.

- NO PROBLEM.- IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEENA GIANTS FAN?

- I'VE BEEN A GIANTS FANMY ENTIRE LIFE.

- [bleep] MERRICK HILL,LAWRENCE TAYLOR,

ELI MANNING,THE DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS.

- OH.YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.

- [laughs]- NO. LET'S GO.

YOU SEE, MY DIGNITYMEANS NOTHING

WHEN IT COMES TO THE GIANTS,SO I'M GONNA SAY

KILL THE CHEERLEADERS.- YES!

- MARRY ELI MANNING,AND [bleep] LAWRENCE TAYLOR.

- YOU'RE A FAN.YOU'RE A TRUE FAN.

THAT'S THE ONLY ANSWER.

HOW LONG AFTER THE GAMEWAS THIS VIDEO SHOT?

- OH, BOY, THIS WASA FULL NIGHT AFTERWARDS.

- THIS WAS THE NEXT DAY?- THE NEXT NIGHT.

- OH, THAT IS CRAZY.- YEAH.

- SEE, I WAS HOPING THIS WASMINUTES AFTER THE GAME WAS OVER.

- NO, I HAD TO DRIVEFROM THE BRONX,

FIVE HOURS UPSTATE,GET TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE--

- TO BREAK DOWN.

WOULD YOU RATHER GOUNDEFEATED THIS YEAR

AND WIN THE SUPER BOWLOR CATCH OSAMA BIN LADEN?

- WHAT, ME PERSONALLYCATCH HIM?

- NO.- OH. UM...

- OSAMA GETS CAUGHT.

- UNDEFEATEDAT THE SUPER BOWL.

WITHOUT A DOUBT.

- WE'LL CATCH OSAMANEXT YEAR?

- YEAH, WE'LL GET HIMNEXT YEAR.

- OUR GOAL TODAY, THOUGH,

IS TO PREPARE YOUFOR A PRESS CONFERENCE.

- OKAY.

- BEFORE WE, UH,

GIVE YOU A CHANCETO REDEEM YOURSELF.

I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOUTO SOME PEOPLE,

GIVE YOU SOMEPROPER PERSPECTIVE.

- SOUNDS GOOD.- BRIAN, COME ON IN HERE.

BRIAN, ROBERT.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.- NICE TO MEET YOU, MAN.

- HOW MANY, UH, HOW MANY WINSYOU GET LAST SEASON?

WE HAD ZERO.WE HAD ZERO.

YOU GUYS--YOU GUYSARE IN THE PLAYOFFS?

- YEAH.- YEAH, WE HAD ZERO WINS.

ZERO.

WELL, YOU GUYS HAVEANY SUPER BOWL WINS?

- THREE.- YEAH, WE HAVE ZERO.

ZERO. YEAH.- ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.- GOOD JOB.

- THANK YOU.

- STOP CRYING, WUSSY.- I WILL.

- SCOTT, WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIMWHAT YOU WENT THROUGH LAST YEAR?

- YEAH, YEAH, I HAD A PRETTY BADYEAR LAST YEAR ALSO.

YOU KNOW, I HAD CANCER.

- WOW.- YEAH. YEAH, SO...

- ALL RIGHT, ROB,BEFORE WE GO OUT THERE,

I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A REALLYGOOD VIDEO FOR YOU TO WATCH.

- HEY, ROB,OTTIS ANDERSON HERE.

WHEN YOU CRY, IT MAKESTHE WHOLE TEAM LOOK BAD,

SO STOP BEINGSUCH A [bleep] AND MAN UP.

- IT SEEMS LIKEGOOD ADVICE TO ME.

- ME TOO.

- OKAY, WE'RE GONNAGO OUT THERE.

- OKAY.

- THEY'RE GONNA BE ASKINGA LOT OF TOUGH QUESTIONS.

I WANT YOU TO BE RELAXED,I WANT YOU TO BE PASSIONATE,

BUT I DON'T WANT YOUTO BE EMOTIONAL.

- NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.- YOU CAN DO THIS.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOUREADY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- LET'S GO.- LET'S DO THIS.

- LET'S DO IT.

[overlapping chatter]

- HEY, ROB, I WAS WONDERINGHOW YOU PLAN ON COMMEMORATING

THE GIANTS CHOKING INTHE PLAYOFFS AGAIN THIS YEAR?

- NEXT QUESTION.

- TECHNICALLY, THE PATRIOTS WEREA MUCH BETTER TEAM IN 2008,

EVEN THOUGH THE GIANTSWON THE SUPER BOWL.

HOW DO YOU RESPOND?

- THAT'S A GREATSPORTS QUESTION.

CAN WE HAVE A MAN READ THAT

SO WE CAN ACTUALLYTAKE IT SERIOUSLY?

- YOU LOST TO THE EAGLESAT HOME.

- THAT'S NOT EVEN A--

THAT'S NOT EVEN A QUESTION.

- UH, IF TIKI AND RONDE BARBERARE IDENTICAL TWINS,

HOW COME TIKI'S THE ONLY ONEWHO SUCKS [bleep]?

- WHAT TYPE OF WOOD

DO YOU THINK TOM KAUFMAN'S TEETHARE MADE FROM?

- DO YOU WATCH GAMES AT HOME,ALONE,

OR ALONE AT THE BAR?

- DAVE AND MEGAN ALMOST RHYMESWITH [bleep].

- [bleep]! YOU ARE JUSTA FAT, STUPID [bleep]!

- CLASSICO,YOU [bleep] ASSICO.

- NOW THAT GAMES ARE IN HD,IS IT EASIER TO MASTURBATE?

- WHY CAN'T YOU GROWA REAL BEARD?

- BILL SIMMS' KID IS A [bleep]!HAVE YOU SEEN HIM PLAY?

- HOW BIG IS YOUR [bleep]?

- IF YOU HAD ONE NIGHTWITH TOM COLLINS,

SPIT OR SWALLOW?

- TWO PART QUESTION.

ELI MANNING SUCKS ASSAND GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

[slow speed]GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

- STOP THAT.[bleep] YOU, MAN.

YES. FALSE. NO.YOU ARE. YES. NO.

ABSOLUTELY. SWALLOW.YOU'RE A BITCH.

I THINK IT'S FALSE.[bleep] YOU. NO COMMENT.

I LIKE HIM.NEXT QUESTION.

HONESTLY,[bleep] ALL YOU GUYS.

- NO MORE QUESTIONS.

MY CLIENT HAS PROVEN THATHE'S NO LONGER A SISSY.

WE'VE GOT A GAMETO GO TO.

- GO, GIANTS!

GIANTS!- LET'S GO, BABY!

- GUESS WHAT WE'RE GRILLINGTODAY?

SOME BALD EAGLES!

THAT'S SOME GOODBALD EAGLE!

IT'S NOT DONE!RAW CHICKEN'S BAD FOR YOU!

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

[audience ohs]

[audience ohs]

[audience ohs]

- OUCH!

[both arguing]

Loading...