June 12, 2012 - Pepper Spray Neutralizer

  • 06/12/2012

Daniel updates emoticons, Bugles defuse an altercation, and Pepper Spray Guy gets a Web Redemption.

SHOPLIFTING ANYTHING.

[whistling]

[crowd groans]

LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A PERFECT TENON AISLE THREE.

NOW IT'STHE BEAUTY AISLE.

THESE DOVE COMMERCIALSKEEP GETTING SEXIER AND SEXIER.

SHE MUST'VE MEMORIZEDHER REWARDS CARD NUMBER.

THERE'S FREE SAMPLESIN AISLE SIX.

IT'S NORMALLY BIGGER,

I CAME FROMTHE FROZEN FOOD SECTION.

I HOPE THOSE TASTEFUL JOKESMET THE APPROVAL

OF OUR FRIENDSOVER AT JEZEBEL.COM,

WHO WEREEXTREMELY OFFENDED

BY MY RECENT COMMENTSABOUT WOMEN.

NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND,WE'LL GO BACK TO MAKING FUN

OF 9/11, AMPUTEES, PEDOPHILIA,RAPE, AIDS, CANCER, AUTISM,

THE HOLOCAUST, SCHOOL SHOOTINGS,AND OTHER THINGS

THAT ARE WAY LESS SERIOUSTHAN A WOMAN'S BODY IMAGE.

IS JUST ABOUT THE BRAVEST THINGA WHITE CAN EVER DO.

- [bleep], [bleep] YOU!YOU DICK.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,WHOA, WHOA!

[overlapping arguing]

- DON'T TALK TO ME.

GO AHEAD.

- ON YOUR MERRY WAY.- STOP TALKING.

DON'T [bleep] FOLLOW ME,YOU STUPID DICK.

- NO, NO, NO, YOU--

[overlapping arguing]

- THAT STOPPED THE FIGHTBECAUSE NOBODY WANTS

TO GET NEAR THE FREAKWHO EATS HIS POTATO CHIPS

OFF THE OUTSIDEOF THE BAG.

BESIDES, SOUR CREAMAND ONION BREATH

WILL KEEPEVERYONE AWAY.

YOU KNOW THE BEST SNACK FOODFOR DIFFUSING AN ARGUMENT?

BUGLES.

- I DIDN'T GETYOUR EMAIL.

- WELL, I SENT IT,LIKE, FIVE MINUTES AGO.

- WELL, I STILLDIDN'T GET IT.

- JOHN, WE'VEBEEN WORKING TOGETHER

FOR THREE [bleep]--- YAH!

- AAH!

- YAH!

[breathing heavily]

I WISH THEIR BLOODWAS MADE OF SPINACH DIP.

[crowd ohs]

DOES SKYDIVINGHAVE EARLY BIRD SPECIALS?

NOW LET'S TAKE A LITTLE BREAKFROM RESPECTING OUR ELDERS

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

I'M NOT SURE IF THAT'SA GRANNY OR A [bleep].

80 SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT AGETO TAKE UP SKYDIVING

BECAUSE THERE'S NOT MUCH LIFELEFT IN YOU TO RISK.

IT'S ALSO A GREAT TIMETO TRY HEROIN.

SHE'S GETTING COLD FEET,BUT THAT MIGHT JUST BE

BECAUSE OFHER POOR CIRCULATION.

THEY SAY THE MINDIS THE FIRST TO GO.

THEN FASHION SENSEMUST BE A CLOSE SECOND.

[chuckling]

IF SHE'S NOT AFRAIDTO WEAR TEAL AND PURPLE,

SHE SHOULDN'T BE AFRAIDOF ANYTHING.

SHE'S NEVER FELTSO BARELY ALIVE.

THE LAST TIME SHE HAD A MANSTRAPPED TO HER BACK

WAS DURING PROHIBITION.

HEY, JOHNNY UTAH, THAT HARNESSSEEMS TO BE AWFULLY LOOSE.

SHE'S JUST LIKE A BIRDRIGHT NOW.

MAINLY BECAUSESHE'S [bleep] EVERYWHERE.

I'M SHOCKEDTHERE AREN'T THOUSANDS

OF TISSUES AND PENNIESFLYING OUT OF HER POCKETS.

FOR HER WHOLE LIFETO FLASH BEFORE HER EYES,

SHE'D HAVE TO FALLFROM THE MOON.

LOOK AT THAT WINGSUITFLAP IN THE BREEZE.

WAIT, THAT'S HER SKIN.

STRETCH THAT [bleep] OUT

AND GLIDE YOURSELFTO SAFETY, YOU OLD BAT.

KUDOS TO THAT BRA

FOR BEING MORE RELIABLETHAN HER HARNESS.

THE LAST THING ANYBODY NEEDSIS FOR THAT SALTY BROAD

TO UNLEASHHER ANCIENT UDDERS.

OKAY, THE INSTRUCTOR HASA TOUGH DECISION TO MAKE HERE:

RIP THE CORDAND SAVE HIMSELF

OR TOUCHMEE-MAW'S BACK.

I THINK THAT'S WHATWE ALL WOULD HAVE DONE.

HEAVENS TO BETSY,SHE'S STILL ALIVE.

LOOKS LIKE HER GRANDKIDSWILL HAVE TO WAIT

TO GET THEIR INHERITANCE,

AT LEASTFOR ANOTHER WEEK.

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

- WE'RE GONNA DEMONSTRATEFOR YOU GUYS TODAY

HOW HIS NEUTRALIZER CAN WORKTO NEGATE THE EFFECTS

OF--OF, UH, PEPPER SPRAY.

OKAY, GET IT ALL OVER YOU,AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.

GET IT ALL OVER YOU.NOW SPRAY YOUR FACE.

GET IT IN YOUR EYES.OPEN YOUR EYES, FORCE THEM OPEN.

SPRAY IT ONYOUR HANDS, EVERYTHING.

- [moaning]

- WHAT ARE YOU FEELING,BADFINGER?

TALK TO ME.

- REALLY BAD.[moaning]

MORE, HURRY UP.

- BUT IT'S STILL HAVINGAN EFFECT ON HIM, OF COURSE.

- OF COURSE.

- OPEN YOUR EYES.- [sniffling]

GIVE ME SOME WATER.

I SHOULDN'T HAVEDONE THIS.

- SO WHAT DO--WHAT DO REGULAR PEOPLE

WITHOUT A NEUTRALIZER DO?THEY JUST SUFFER THROUGH IT.

- SOME OF THEM CAN DIE.

- [moaning]

AAH! AAH!

- ARE YOU GOOD?- NO!

LET ME DRINKSOME OF THAT [bleep].

- IT'S BEENABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

WE THINK HE MAY HAVE HADAN ALLERGIC REACTION

TO THE--TO THE PEPPER SPRAY.

- WITHOUT IT,HE COULD'VE DIED.

- HE MUST'VE MADEA BAD BATCH OF NEUTRALIZER.

THAT HUMAN GUINEA PIGIS BADFINGER,

AND HE WAS TESTING OUTA PEPPER SPRAY NEUTRALIZER

THAT WORKS ABOUT AS WELL

AS RUSSELL BRANDHOSTING ANYTHING.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAYTO NEUTRALIZE HOT PEPPER,

AND THAT'S WITH EITHER RANCHOR BLUE CHEESE

AND TONS OF CELERY.

GETTING PEPPER SPRAYEDIS LIKE RECEIVING A MONEY SHOT

FROM SATAN.

THE ONLY THINGTHAT'LL BURN YOUR EYES WORSE

IS WATCHING THAT CHICKGET NAKED ON GIRLS.

[crowd groans]

I KNOW SHE'S THERE.I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT HER.

PEPPER SPRAY IS A WOMAN'SGO-TO WEAPON OF CHOICE,

AND IT EVEN COMESIN DIFFERENT STRENGTHS

IN CASE YOU'RE ONLY SEMI-SERIOUSABOUT NOT GETTING RAPED.

IF YOU WERE TRULY NERVOUSABOUT YOUR SAFETY,

YOU'D CARRY A GUN,NOT A SPICE.

BULLETS TRAVELA LOT FASTER THAN MIST.

WHAT PREDATOR IS GONNA WAITWHILE YOU RUMMAGE

THROUGH YOUR PURSE TO FINDA TUBE OF TABASCO SAUCE?

YOU CAN'T EVEN FINDYOUR PHONE IN THERE

WHEN IT'S RINGINGAND VIBRATING.

NOTHING'S MORE EMBARRASSINGTHAN BEING THE GIRL

WHO ALWAYS HAS PEPPER SPRAYBUT NEVER HAS TO USE IT.

YOU MAY AS WELLLEAVE YOUR WEAPONS AT HOME

BECAUSE THE CAT DANDERON YOUR SWEATER

DOES THE TRICKJUST FINE.

BUT IF BADFINGERWANTS TO BE THE FIRST MAN

TO BEAT PEPPER SPRAY,

I'M HAPPY TO SQUIRTANOTHER HOT LOAD IN HIS FACE.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIMTO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE IT'S OKAYFOR DUDES TO CRY,

IN THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

IS BADFINGERYOUR CHRISTIAN NAME?

- NO, RICHARDIS MY CHRISTIAN NAME.

- YOU'RE A TRUCK DRIVER?- I'M A TRUCK DRIVER.

- WHAT'S MORE PAINFUL:GONORRHEA OR PEPPER SPRAY?

- I'VE NEVER HAD GONORRHEA.I'D SAY PEPPER SPRAY.

- EH, I'M GONNA SAYCOIN FLIP.

- [laughing]

- TELL ME WHAT HAPPENEDDURING THAT VIDEO.

- I MET THIS GUYNAMED DR. TOM--

- LET'S STOP IT RIGHT NOW.- OKAY.

- DO YOU REALLY THINKHE WAS A DOCTOR?

- I KIND OF HAD MY DOUBTSIN A WAY, BUT, UH--

NO, BUT, WELL, HE CAME UPWITH A FORMULA.

I SEEN IT ON A VIDEO.

HE GRABS THIS PASTE,PUTS IT ON HIS HAND,

AND HE PUTS A TORCH TO ITFOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

AND THEN HE COME UP--

HE WAS COMING UPWITH ANOTHER FORMULA

TO COUNTERATTACKPEPPER SPRAY,

SO I VOLUNTEERED.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO

TAKE AWAY THE PAINRIGHT AWAY.

- WAS HIS LAB, BY CHANCE,THAT BUS THAT WAS PARKED--

- NO, IT WAS ACTUALLY, UM--IT'S THE--IT'S THE GARAGE.

- OKAY.- [laughing]

SO HE TOOKTHAT SPRAY BOTTLE.

I'D SAY ABOUT TWO SECONDS IN IT,IT'S NOT WORKING, MAN.

BUT I CAN TAKE THE PAIN.IT WAS THE--IT WAS THE--

IT WAS GETTINGINTO MY--MY MOUTH.

- SURE.- AND IT WAS CHOKING ME.

AAH!

- ARE YOU GOOD?- NO!

- WHAT DID IT FEEL LIKE WHENIT WAS SPRAYED ON YOUR FACE?

- LIKE A THOUSAND NEEDLES,BUT I DIDN'T REALLY--

- [laughing]

- I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER.

I COULDN'T BREATHE,AND THAT'S WHY I PANICKED, OKAY?

I COULD'VE--THE PAIN?- YOU CAN HANDLE PAIN.

- I MEAN, IT'S NOT GONNAMAKE ME CRY, YOU GOT TO--

- DID YOU--YOU WERE CRYING.

- NO, I WASMORE FRUSTRATED.

- OH, YOUWERE FRUSTRATED.

- BUT I WASN'T CRYINGIN TEARS, NO.

- IT LOOKED--LOOKED LIKETHERE MIGHT'VE BEEN SOME TEARS.

- TEARS OF PAIN, BUT NOTTEARS OF, UH, YOU KNOW, LIKE--

- WELL, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS--I DIDN'T THINK

IT WAS AN EMOTIONAL CRY.- NO.

[moaning]

- YOU SAID YOU WANTEDTO DRINK THE STUFF.

- LET ME DRINKSOME OF THAT [bleep].

SEEMED LIKE EVERY TIMEYOU DRANK THE DAMN THING,

UH, SOMETHING, UH--

I MEAN, IT WAS MAKING IT WORSEOR SOMETHING.

- WELL, YEAH,I--I'M PRETTY POSITIVE

YOU WERE DRINKING...- [laughing]

- A CRAZY MAN'S POISON.

IS THAT THE SAME SHIRT YOU WORE?- SOMETHING LIKE IT.

- OKAY, I JUST WANTTO MAKE SURE,

'CAUSE THAT ONE TOOK A--THAT SHIRT TOOK A BEATING.

- OH, IT SURE DID.- YOU WERE SNOTTING UP A STORM.

- OH, MAN!

- NOW I'M CURIOUS,

WHY DIDN'T THE DOCTOR, UH,TEST IT ON HIMSELF?

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DID.BUT HE DIDN'T--HE DIDN'T--

HE DIDN'T GOTO THE EXTREME LIKE I DID.

I SEEN THE GUY SPRAY HIS FACEWITH VINEGAR.

WOWEE, YOU KNOW?

- HE PULLEDTHE OLD BAIT AND SWITCH.

- SO I GOT--I GOT DUPED.

- WHAT IS PIPERINE?

- IF YOU WANT TO GETTHE WEAK STUFF,

GO TO WALMART, OKAY?DON'T GO TO A GUN SHOP.

- OH.- THAT'S WHAT I DID.

- YOU BOUGHT--- I BOUGHT IT MYSELF.

- YOU HAD TO PAY OUT OF POCKETTO GET MACED?

- RIGHT.- DO YOU FEEL BAD

THAT ALL YOU REALLY DIDWAS PROVE HOW GREAT

PEPPER SPRAY REALLY IS?

- OH, NO, NOT REALLY.

LIKE I SAID,IT'S THE TOOL,

IT'S NOT THE PERSON.- RIGHT.

- ANYBODY SHOULD BE ABLETO BUY PEPPER SPRAY.

- CAN ANYBODYBUY PEPPER SPRAY?

- YES, THEY CAN, BUT THEY HAVETO GO THROUGH TRAINING THOUGH.

SOME--YOU KNOW,SOME PLACES.

LIKE IN INDIANA, THEY, UH--THEY MAKE YOU, UH--

THEY SPRAY IT IN YOUR FACEBEFORE YOU CAN EVEN CARRY IT.

- WHAT A STUPID STATE.- YEAH.

- HAS THE LADY BUSINESSPICKED UP

SINCE THIS VIDEOWENT VIRAL?

- NO, NO,NOBODY'S EVER HAD--

NOBODY'S EVER, YOU KNOW,WROTE BACK AND SAID ANYTHING,

BUT, HEY,I'M ALWAYS THERE.

- YOU GET DISCOUNTSWITH THE LOT LIZARDS?

- NOT INTERESTED.NOT INTERESTED.

- WITHOUT IT,HE COULD'VE DIED.

- IF NOT FORTHE NEUTRALIZER,

DO YOU THINK YOUWOULD HAVE DIED THAT DAY?

- NO, NOT A CHANCE.

- ALL RIGHT, BADFINGER,YOU ACTED LIKE A COMPLETE PUSSY

LAST TIME YOUWERE PEPPER SPRAYED.

YOU READY TO GIVE ITANOTHER SHOT?

- YES, I AM.- OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, BADFINGER,YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SPRAYED

WITH PEPPER SPRAYSINCE THAT VIDEO.

- NO, I HAVEN'T.- DID YOU BRING THE NEUTRALIZER?

- YES, I HAVE.IT'S RIGHT HERE.

- OOH, "NEW AND IMPROVED."

YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT,BECAUSE WE'VE SET UP

THREE DIFFERENT SCENARIOS

WHERE YOU WILLBE GETTING PEPPER SPRAYED

A LOT.

WE GOT THE GOOD STUFFFROM THE GUN STORE.

- WELL, BRING IT ON.- OKAY.

WELL, FIRST UP, WE'RE GONNA HAVEYOU ROB A CONVENIENCE STORE.

- GIVE ME EVERYTHINGIN THE REGISTER,

YOU HELLO KITTY-WEARINGWONTON.

[coughing]

- DON'T WORRY,I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER.

I'VE GOTTHE NEUTRALIZER.

- YEAH!- YOU'RE--NO...

- [coughing]- I GOT YOU.

- OOF.- I'VE GOT THE NEUTRALIZER.

GO BACK--- HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

AH, [bleep].

OKAY.- OKAY, THERE, THERE, POINT.

- GIVE ME EVERYTHINGIN THE REGISTER...

- YOU NUMBER 67--- YOU NUMBER 67 WITH--

WITH--WITH WAD CRIES.- WITH PAD THAI.

- WITH PAD THAI!- GIVE HIM THE MONEY.

- GIVE ME THE [bleep] MONEY,YOU [bleep]!

- [laughing]- THANK YOU.

- LET ME--I'LL TAKE THE GUN.I'LL TAKE THE GUN.

- DAMN IT.- YOU'RE FINE.

OKAY, NOW YOU'RE A BEAR.

- ROAR!- OH, MY GOD, IT'S A BEAR!

AAH!- [moaning]

- BADFINGER, I'VE GOTTHE NEUTRALIZER!

- OKAY, OKAY,SPRAY ME!

- I GOT THE NEUTRALIZER,YOU'RE FINE.

MOST PEOPLE WOULD DIEWITHOUT THE NEUTRALIZER.

- YEAH.- THE FOOD.

- WHERE THE [bleep]IS IT?

- EAT THE SANDWICHOR SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT, YOUR LAST TESTIS A GIRL

ALONE IN THE PARK,ODDLY, DOING YOGA.

GO GET HER.- HEY.

YOU SURE DOBEND PRETTY, BABY.

- WELL, THAT'SNOT CREEPY AT ALL.

NAMASTE, BITCH.

- [bleep]!- HOLD ON, I GOT--

I GOT THE NEUTRALIZER, I GOT--- [moaning]

[whimpering]- YOU'RE FINE.

ENJOY HER.- OH, RIGHT!

WHERE ARE YOU, BABY?

- CONGRATULATIONS, BADFINGER.THANKS TO THE PEPPER SPRAY AWAY,

NOW WITH SPF 15, YOU WERE ABLETO ROB A CONVENIENCE STORE,

SCARE A FAMILY TO DEATH,AND SEXUALLY ASSAULT A WOMAN.

SO IF YOU'RE A CRIMINAL,HEAD ON DOWN TO THE STORE

AND PICK UPA BOTTLE TODAY.

HOW YOU DOINGBACK THERE, SNOTS?

- I'M DOING GREAT,ACTUALLY.

AS LONG AS THE WINDIS BLOWING ON ME, I'M FINE.

[suspenseful music]

- I HATE THE IDEAOF OWNING A GUN,

BUT LOVE THE IDEAOF OWNING A CANNON.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THEY TENDTO DOMINATE THE ROOM,

SO WHEN I SAWTHAT MUCH TINIER VERSION,

I HIRED AN ARMS DEALERTO SMUGGLE ONE IN FROM ISRAEL.

NOW I CAN FINALLYACHIEVE MY DREAM

OF RECREATINGTHIS FAMOUS VIDEO.

[crowd oohs]

OW!

WHICH ONE OF YOU LUCKY FELLASWOULD LIKE TO DIG THE BB

AND FINALLY

THE SAME EMOTICONSFOR, LIKE, A DECADE.

MY EMOTIONS ARE MORE COMPLEXTHAN A FROWNY FACE

OR A WINKY FACE.

SO I'VE CREATEDSOME BRAND NEW EMOTICONS

TO SAVE TIME AND LIVES.

"I'M COMING OVERTO [bleep] YOUR VAGINA."

SIMPLE.

WINKY FACE, TONGUE OUT,THE "V."

GOT TO KEEPONE EYE OPEN, ALWAYS.

"DON'T TELL MEWHO WON THE GAME.

I'M DVR-ING ITAND GONNA WATCH IT LATER."

YEAH, YOU GOT THE XOVER THE MOUTH

AND THEN AN OLDVHS TAPE.

EVERY TIME I GET THIS TEXT,I GET EXCITED.

THIS MEANS, "HURRY UPAND GET OVER HERE.

THIS PARTYIS FULL OF ASIANS."

"IF YOU NEED ME, I WILLBE IN MCDONALD'S DOING A B.M."

SEE, THE 3 IS AN ASS,

AND THEN THE SQUIGGLYIS DIARRHEA.

AND WHY WE DIDN'T JUST USETHE [bleep] LETTER "M," I'LL...

IF YOU'RE EVER IN PRISONAND YOU HAPPEN

TO SNEAK A PHONE IN,

YOU'LL PROBABLYWANT TO USE THIS ONE.

IT'S "I'M GOING TO SHANK YOUIN THE YARD

TO EARN THE RESPECTOF THE CHOLOS."

YOU GOT A KNIFE.KNIFE EQUALS...

AND THEN YOU GOTA LITTLE SOMBRERO HAT

WITH EYESAND THE MOUSTACHE.

THAT EQUALSA HAPPY CHOLO.

I'VE HAD TO TEXT MY ASSISTANTTHIS ONE A TIME OR TWO.

"I FORGOT TO PUT MYHALF-EATEN VEGGIE BURGER AWAY,

NOW THERE ARE ANTS."

"AAH, CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW,THE GHOST OWL IS BACK!"

DO YOUR PARTTO MAKE THESE CATCH ON.

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