April 15, 2014 - Misses Every Layup

  • 04/15/2014

A Japanese wrestler fights a doll, a lion gets sick, and Daniel redeems a black man who's bad at basketball.

ISN'T IT REFRESHINGTO SEE A VIDEO FROM JAPAN

WHERE THERE'S NOTHING WEIRDOR SEXUAL GOING ON?

- [speaking Japanese]

- NOT SINCE REAL STEEL HAVEI BEEN SO INVESTED IN A MATCH.

AS LONG AS THEY'RENOT BOMBING PEARL HARBOR,

IT'S OKAY BY ME.

[crowd shouting]

WHOO, THAT WAS CLOSE.

ANYONE CAN GOONE-ON-ONE WITH A DUMMY,

BUT IT TAKES A GIANTTO COMPETE IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE.

[bell dings]

- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!- WHAT IN THE HELL?

- DON'T DO THIS!

[indistinct shouting]

OH, MY GOD!

GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!- OH, NO!

- OH, JESUS!

GOD ALMIGHTY!

OH, MY GOD, WHAT JUST--

HE BROKE HIM IN HALF!

- THAT DUMB BIT IS DEDICATEDTO THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR.

WARRIOR!

HE RETURNED HOMETO THE PARTS UNKNOWN IN THE SKY.

R.I.P.

EVEN THOUGH MOST WRESTLERSTHOUGHT YOU LACKED

A LOT OF TECHNICAL SKILL

AND WERE A LIABILITYIN THE RING,

YOU WERE ALWAYSONE OF MY FAVORITES.

NOT BIG JOHN STUDD FAVORITE,

WHO I BELIEVE WONTHE ROYAL RUMBLE

IN 1989 IN HOUSTON.

THE WARRIOR'S GONE.

SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU, ARN.

ARN ANDERSON,I'M CALLING YOU OUT,

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

YOU THINK I FORGOTABOUT YOU, ARN?

NO ONE CAN BEMAJESTIC ALL THE TIME.

- HE'S GONNA, LIKE, THROW UP.

[people speaking indistinctly]

- OH, MY GOODNESS.

- THIS IS GONNA BE A SHOTTO MAKE YOUTUBE.

- HOW COOL WOULD IT BEIF A HUMAN HEAD COMES OUT?

SOMEONE HOLD HIS MANE BACK.

[audience groaning]

MAYBE ASK THE WIZARD OF OZFOR A STRONGER STOMACH

WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

SAME THING HAPPENS TO TOM BRADYWHEN HE EATS A GAZELLE--

I MEAN, GISELLE.

[laughter]

THE LIONIS QUITE THE PARTY ANIMAL.

I HAD A HARD TIMEKEEPING UP WITH HIM.

THERE YOU ARE.

AGH, AM I SITTINGIN YOUR PUKE?

I DON'T EVEN CARE.

THAT WAS A CRAZY NIGHT.

DO YOU EVEN REMEMBERWHAT YOU WERE DOING?

WE WENT TO SPEARMINT RHINO,

BUT YOU GOT UPSET BECAUSETHERE WEREN'T ANY REAL RHINOS,

AND YOU ATE A STRIPPER.

THERE'S ONLY ONE PIC.

I DON'T LIKE TAKING PICS.

YOU KNOW THAT.

PERSONALLY, I CAN'T GET ENOUGH

OF THOSE HANGOVER MOVIES.

I WOULDN'T MINDA PREQUEL TRILOGY.

PLEASE TELL METHERE'S SOMETHING NEXT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?I GOT A BETTER IDEA.

LET'S MAKE THISMORE INTERESTING.

[slapping]

OKAY.

- MORE INTERESTING?- YEAH, INTERESTING.

- OKAY, I, FOR ONE,AM INTRIGUED.

NOW LET'S SEEHOW A SHIRTLESS BLACK MAN

WITH A BOTTLE FULL OF BABY OIL

MAKES THINGS MORE INTERESTINGIN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[applause]

- LET'S MAKE THISMORE INTERESTING.

- IS THE SUSPENSE KILLING YOU?

BOOM.

WELCOME TO BLACK GUY HEAVEN!

THE BLUR ISFOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION, PEOPLE.

I HAVE YET TO SPOTONE ACTUAL VAGINA,

AND I'VE BEEN WATCHINGTHIS VIDEO FOR A WEEK.

NIGHT SCHOOL SPRING BREAKRULES!

THAT DUDE IS SHOWINGAMAZING RESTRAINT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUMP IN A FOLD?

GUN TO MY HEAD,

I'M GOING WITH THE CHICKWITH PINK HAIR.

SHE HAS KIND OFA KATE UPTON THING GOING ON.

THAT IS WHY YOU NEVER BUYA USED TWISTER

AT PLAY IT AGAIN SPORTS.

IT'S MORE LIKEHUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS.

THEY WORK WELL TOGETHER.CAN THEY PASS BLOCK?

LET'S SEND 'EM DOWN TO MIAMI.

KEEP TANNEHILL ON HIS FEETTHIS SEASON.

LEFT HOOF GREEN.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO LOSEAT TWISTER

WHEN YOU'RE TOUCHINGEVERY DOT AT ALL TIMES.

ALL RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOUJABBA THE SLUTS ATE THE SPINNER?

NOT COOL.

IS THAT A BITE MARK?

UGH.

ONE OF THEM MUST HAVE THOUGHTHER NIPPLE

WAS A PIECE OF SALAMI.

[audience groaning]

ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN.

YOU'VE NEVER SEENTWO BEANBAG CHAIRS

TONGUE-KISS BEFORE?

LOOKS LIKE HE'S DETAILINGA WINNEBAGO BACK THERE.

BLACKFISH 2 IS WAY LESS DEPRESSING...

[chuckles]

MAYBE MORE.

JUST MAKE SURE YOU SAVESOME BABY OIL TO HELP THEM

SQUEEZE THROUGH THE DOORWHEN IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

- TWO, ONE...

SHOOT!

[crowd exclaiming]

[crowd booing]

[buzzer]

- MYTH BUSTED.

YET STILL GOOD ENOUGH

FOR A TEN-DAY CONTRACTWITH THE LAKERS.

HIS NAME IS DWAYNE, SO YOU KNOWHE'S A REAL BLACK MAN.

AND HE SET HIS RACE BACK FARTHERTHAN EVERY MADEA MOVIE

WHEN HE COULDN'T MAKEA SINGLE LAYUP.

PUTTING A BALL THROUGH A BASKETIS NOW A $10-BILLION INDUSTRY,

YET THE SPORT OF CORNHOLEIS DEAD BROKE.

I LOVE EVERYTHINGABOUT BASKETBALL

EXCEPT LISTENING TO SHAQMUMBLE ABOUT IT.

THE NBA IS THE ONLY PLACEIN THE WORLD

OUTSIDE OF ARMS TRAFFICKING

WHERE YOU'LL FIND BLACK GUYS

AND HIDEOUSLY DEFORMEDEASTERN EUROPEAN CAVE PEOPLE

COOPERATING WITH EACH OTHER.

FOR THE PLAYERS,EACH SEASON IS A LONG,

RIGOROUS JOURNEYTHROUGH ALL THE VAGINAS

IN NORTH AMERICA.

FOR THE FANS,GOING TO THE GAMES SUCKS.

YOU SPEND MORE TIMEDODGING T-SHIRT CANNONS

AND WATCHING FAT MENRIDE TRICYCLES

THAN THE ACTUAL GAME.

AND I LOVE THAT PEOPLE THINKTHE NBA IS FIXED.

THEN EXPLAIN TO ME HOWTHE SAN ANTONIO SPURS

WON FOUR TITLES.

NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH A TEAMKNOWN FOR CRISP PASSING WIN.

DID YOU KNOW SEATTLE DONATEDTHEIR TEAM TO OKLAHOMA

TO HELP PEOPLE COPEWITH THE TRAGEDY

OF HAVING TO LIVEIN OKLAHOMA?

THEY SAY OUR PRESIDENTCAN BALL,

BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME

IF BARACK WEREN'T THE LEADEROF THE FREE WORLD,

HIS SOLID MID-RANGE JUMPERMIGHT GET SWATTED

BACK IN HIS [bleep] FACE.

DWAYNE JUST NEEDS TO GETHIS HOOD PASS BACK,

AND, LIKE THE NBA, I CARE,

SO I FLEW HIM TO L.A.,PROUD HOME OF CLIPPER NATION

FOR THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[applause]

[cheers and applause]

DWAYNE!

FOOD'S COMPLIMENTARY.

MAKE YOURSELF A PLATE.

- I'M GOOD.THANKS.

THIS IS VERY UNUSUALFOR A LAKER SKY BOX.

- I'VE NEVER WATCHEDA LAKERS GAME HERE.

HATE THE TEAM.

PHYSICALLY,

THE UGLIEST GROUP OF MENI HAVE EVER SEEN.

AND DON'T GET ME STARTEDON PAU.

OH.THE SPANIARD SCARES CHILDREN.

NOPE.

I LIKE TO COME HEREAND WATCH MY MIAMI HEAT GAMES.

LIKE TO DRESS LIKE PAT RILEY.

YEAH, IF YOU'RE FAMOUSAND YOU LIVE IN L.A.,

YOU HAVE TO COMETO LAKER GAMES.

BUT I'M NOT VAIN ENOUGHTO HAVE TO SIT COURTSIDE

LIKE DAVID BECKHAM AND HIS WIFE,SKELETOR.

SEE, I GET TO WATCHTHE EAST COAST FEED

AND GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE THAT SWEATY, ROUND-FACEDDICAPRIO FINDS A SEAT.

THERE'S MARKY MARK,

TRYING NOT TO MASTURBATE.

HE SAYS HE NEVER MASTURBATES.

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THATOUT LOUD?

ANDY GARCIA.

HE'S MEXICAN, SO LEGALLY,HE HAS TO LOVE THE LAKERS.

AND DON'T FORGET ABOUTJACK NICHOLAS.

- YOU MEAN JACK NICHOLSON?

- WHATEVER.

THE GUY LEGALLY MARRIEDHIS 15-YEAR-OLD ASIAN DAUGHTER.

- WASN'T THAT WOODY ALLEN?

- I DON'T KNOW.

THEY'RE ALL PEDOPHILES.

THEN AT LEAST HALF A DOZEN TIMESDURING THE GAME,

I LIKE TO GETIN CHALMERS' FACE,

LET HIM KNOW THATI'M VERY DISAPPOINTED

WITH HIS DECISION-MAKING.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, RIO?

LET'S GO!

[laughs]

YOU'RE KILLING US!

DWAYNE, MY FIRST QUESTION:

WERE YOU RAISEDBY WHITE PEOPLE?

- NO.

- TELL ME WHAT HAPPENEDIN THAT VIDEO.

- IT WAS A DRAWINGTO WIN A CAR,

BUT TO WIN THE CAR,YOU HAD TO DO A LAYUP,

A FREE THROW, THREE-POINTER,

MIDCOURT,IN 24 SECONDS.

- I'M NOT EVEN SURE,IN 24 SECONDS,

YOU COULD DOALL FOUR OF THOSE THINGS

IF YOU MADE IT YOURFIRST ATTEMPT ON EACH ONE.

- AND GET YOUR OWN REBOUNDS.

- SO YOU'RE TELLING MEIF YOU MISS A HALF-COURT SHOT,

YOU HAVE TO GO GETTHE REBOUND.

- RIGHT.- AND RUN BACK.

- RIGHT.- WHAT KIND OF CAR WAS IT?

- CAMARO.

- SO THAT'S WHY YOU MISSED.

- [laughs]

- HOW MANY SHOTS DID YOU MISS?

- I THINK IT'S EIGHT--- EIGHT.

I COUNTED.

- BUT I GOT EIGHT REBOUNDS.

- YOU WERE PADDING YOUR STATS.

[laughter]

YOU HAVE KIDS?- YES.

- WERE THEY EMBARRASSED?

- THEY WAS LIKE,"WE DON'T CARE, DADDY.

YOU'RE COOL WITH US."

- OH, SO YOU HAVE GIRLS.- RIGHT.

- HAVE YOU SHOT SINCE THEN?

- NO, I HAVEN'T.

- YOU RETIRED FROM THE GAME.

- COMPLETELY DONE.

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SPORTTO PLAY?

- TODAY?- MM-HMM.

- GOLF.

- WHAT DO YOU DOFOR A LIVING NOW?

- SELL LIFE INSURANCE.

- HOW ARE YOU AT SELLINGLIFE INSURANCE?

- PRETTY GOOD, ACTUALLY.

HOW'S YOUR HEALTH?

- MY HEALTH IS FINE.

- WHAT'S A GOOD DAY FOR YOU?

- I MEAN, I PREFER FRIDAYS.

- MORNING OR AFTERNOON?

- AFTERNOON.

- 2:00-ISH?

- WAIT A SECOND.

I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

[cheers and applause]

- JEREMY LAMB THOUGHT FOR SUREIT WAS DEFLECTED,

BUT IT'S A MIAMI BALLOFF THE TURNOVER.

TWO SECONDS LEFT.

[solemn piano music]

- AT THE BUZZER--

PRETTY GOOD ATTEMPT.

- ALL RIGHT, DWAYNE,WE NEED TO GET

YOUR BLACK CRED BACK,

SO I'VE ENTERED YOUIN ANOTHER HALFTIME CONTEST.

DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.

IT'S A D LEAGUE GAME.

TECHNICALLY, I GUESS YOU COULDCALL IT A LAKERS GAME,

SINCE HALF THEIR PLAYERSWERE ON THAT TEAM A WEEK AGO.

[elevator bell dings]

ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT THIS,DWAYNE.

I DON'T WANT TO SOUND RACIST,

BUT, GOD DAMN,YOU ALL LOOK ALIKE.

Y'ALL.

YOU TWO.

YOU...

- ON SEPTEMBER 13, 1965,

IDENTICAL TWINSWERE SEPARATED AT BIRTH,

AND NOBODY NOTICED BECAUSEHEALTH CARE IN THIS COUNTRY

HADN'T YET BEEN FIXED BY OBAMA.

THOUGH THEY CAME FROMTHE SAME FERTILIZED EGG,

ONE WAS BROUGHT UPTO ENJOY CONTEMPORARY

SATIRICAL LITERATURE,

WHILE THE OTHER WAS RAISEDTO LEAVE THE STICKERS

ON HIS BALL CAPS.

DWAYNE JOHNSON WAS DESTINEDTO DO YOGA

AND TAKE CARE OF HIS BODY.

WAYNE JOHNSON WAS DESTINEDTO NOT GIVE A [bleep].

AS DWAYNE ENJOYEDSIMPLE ONE-STEP HANDSHAKES

THAT WEREN'T CONFUSING,

WAYNE ENJOYED MAKING IT RAININ DA CLUB.

WHEN YOU MEETYOUR LONG-LOST TWIN BROTHER

WHO NOW PLAYSIN THE NBA D LEAGUE,

YOU KNOW IT.

- OKAY, DWAYNE,YOU HAVE 24 SECONDS.

AND I SEE YOU TOOK MY ADVICE

AND GOT YOURSELFSOME GLASSES.

- GLASSES?

WHEN DID HE HAVE TIME TO--

- DWAYNE, WE'RE GIVING YOUA CHANCE

TO GET YOUR RESPECT BACKFROM THE BLACK COMMUNITY

AND A $250 GIFT CARDTO WILLIAMS-SONOMA.

MAN, WHO THE [bleep]IS WILLIAMS-SONOMA?

- YOU SNEAKY BASTARD.

THIS IS LIKE THE PARENT TRAP ALL OVER AGAIN.

- I'LL START FROM HALF-COURT.

- OH, HE'S GOING INREVERSE ORDER, Y'ALL!

LOOK AT HIM!

HEY, COULD YOU DO MY TAXESAFTER THIS, MAN?

OH!WHOO!

[cheering]

- OH, HE'S GOT THIS.

- OH, BABY!

WHOO!

[cheering]

AND HE STILL HAS 20 SECONDSLEFT.

- JUST ENOUGH TIME TO GO [bleep][bleep] [bleep]

YOUR MAMA.

[cheering]

- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN GETFOR $250 AT WILLIAMS-SONOMA?

NOT MUCH.

MAYBE A 3-QUART LE CREUSET POT,IF IT'S ON SALE.

[dramatic orchestral music]

- IS THERE ANYTHINGMORE HILARIOUS

THAN MODERATE CHILD ABUSEIN SUPER SLO-MO?

UNFORTUNATELY, FORTUNATELY,I DON'T HAVE KIDS,

BUT I DO HAVE A STAFF

THAT WILL DO ANYTHINGI FORCE THEM TO DO

AND A BUNCH OF LEMONS.

[dramatic orchestral music]

[dramatic music ascending]

ACCORDING TO THE INTERNET,

NOW WE'RE ALL IMMUNETO PINKEYE.

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