July 7, 2010 - Looking for a Girlfriend

  • 07/07/2010

The Looking for a Girlfriend Guy gets a Web Redemption, and Daniel chats with the Guido Sensation.

[LAUGHTER]

>> COME ON, YOU PUSSY.

YOU'RE A USS.

>> HEY, DON'T BE A HERO.

USE THE TWISTY SLIDE.

COME ON, I'M TAKING THIS VIDEO.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

>> OH, MY GOODNESS.

DID YOU SEE THE JEELY BEANS GO

EVERYWHERE?

[LAUGHTER]

WITHOUT PEER PRESSURE, FATTIES

WOULD NEVER LEARN THEIR

BOUNDARIES.

YOU'D THIIK THAT ANDY MILONAKIS

WOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

ISN'T HE, LIKE, 45?

I TALKED MY FRIEND INTO JUMPING

THE OTHER DAY.

PLEASE KILL YOURSELF.

DO IT.

I'M SLEEPING WWTH YOUR WIFE.

JUMP.

>> AH!

>> I'M REALLY GOOD AT TALKING

DDES ANYONE KNOW WHAT AN IBEX

IS?

IT'S BASICALLY A GOAT THAT CAN

DO THIS.

pLAUGHING]

-pAND YU DON'T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION, KURT CAMERRN.

ZOOS ARE A LOT LIKE PRISON,

NOTHING BUT SWEET, SWEET UTT

PLAY.

YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART.

[LAUGHTER]E YOU GONNA SMELL IT?

IT'S NICE TO SEE JIM BRRUER

GETTING SOME LAUGHS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK THAT'S CONVENIENT?

WHEN MY ASS ITCHES, I JUST CALL

MY ASSISTANT.%

RACHEL, GET IN HERE!

MY ASS ITCHES!

[LAUGHTER]

-pBEFORE WE SHOT THAT, SHE SAID,

"I DON'T REALLY WANNN DO THIS."

[LAUGHTER]

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

>> UH-OH, TROUBLE'S A-BREWIN'.

>> GONNA [BLEEP] YOU UP, HOMIE.

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

>> PAUSE IT.

I'VE ONLY SEEN TWO SECONDS OF

THIS, AND I'M ALREADY CERTAIN IT

DESERVES TO BE THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.%

[APPLAUSE]

>> HERE WE HAVE A LATINO GETTING

READY TO RUMBLE WITH A WHITE

GUY.

WORD IS, RANDY'S BEEN DATING

HECTOO'S LITTLE SISSER.

OH, THAT IS GENERALLY ROWNED

UPON IN LA RASA.

[LAUGHTER]

NORMALLY, KICKING WHITEY'S ASS

IS AS EASY AS UNO, DOS, TRES.

BUT HECTOR MAY HAVE PICKED THE

WRONN MUCHACHO THIS TIIE.

[LAUGHTER]

OOH!

CHECK OUT THAT FORM.

SOMEBODY'S BEEN WATCHING

WALKERR TEXAS RANGER.

pLAUGHTER]

EITHER RANDY IS TOTTLLY

BLUFFING, OR HE WAS RAISED BY

SHAOLIN MONKSS

IT IS DIFFICULT TO HOLD A POSE

HEY, HANCOCK, YOUR SON'S

ANNOYING.

STOP BUYING MOVIES FOR HIM TOOBE

IN AND THROW DJ JAZZY JEFF A

I THINK HE'S HOMELESS.

[APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHH, I DON'T KNOW WHATTS

SCARIER, RANDY'S YOGA POSE OR A

CHICANO IN CAPRR'S.

[LAUGHTEE]

EITHER WAY, HECTOR'S ONLY OPTTON

IS TO STARTTSWINNING AND HOPE

FOR THE BEST.

>> GET OOTTA HERE, FRANKIE.

OH!

AND DOWN GOES THE CHOLO!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?

NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS DID I EVER

DARE TO DREAM THAT A WHITE GUY

WOULD WIN A FFGHT.

A WHITE GUY WON!!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OF COURSE, AS SOON AS HE WALKED

pACK TO HIS CAR, ONE OF HECTOR'S

COUSINS STABBED HIM.%

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M JUST GLAD RANDY'S MOM PAID

FOR ALL THOSE KRAV MAGA LESSONS.

>> HEY, NICK..

HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY?

YOU LEFT ME.

[LAUGHTER]

AHH.

PATRON, [BLEEP].

TTAT'S ALL THAT'S IN Y BLOOD.

KNOWWWHAT I'M SAYYIG?

THAT'S ALL I DRINK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE [BLEEP].

YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLL DRINKING

-pMILLER LITE, [BLLEP],,UH, NATTY

ICE.

DRRNK UP THERE, 'CAUSE YOU GUYS

ARE FROM BOSTON.

YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW HOW TOODO

IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

NEXT TTME I COME UP THERE, I'MA

PROBABLY SLEEE IN YOUR DORM

pOOMM

'CAUSE LET'S BE HONEST.

LET'S BE HONEST.

TOOGHESTTMOTHER[BBEEP] YOU NOW.

I'MA COMM UP THERE AND PRRBABLY

SMAAK A COUPLE OF YOUR TEACHERS,

YOUR PROFFSSORS, YOUR [BLEEP]

R.A.S, YOUU DEANS.

I DON'T GIVV A [BLEEP].

♪ I'M FROMMNEW YORK ♪

>> GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.%

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT'S FRANKIE, AKAA"THE

pUIDO SENNATION.""

LEVELHEADED, NON-THHEATENINN

INDIVIDUAL.

SO I INVITED HIM HERE TO EXPLAIN

WHAT MAAE HIM SO ANGRY.%

pLEASEEWELCOME THE GUIDO

SENSATION.

[APPLAUSE]

I'M A BIG FAN OF YOUR VIDEO, BUT

I HAVEEA FEW QUESTIOOS.

ISSPATRON REALLY THE ONLY THING

-pYOU DRINK?

THAT DOESN'T SEEM HEALTHY.

GATORADE AS WELLLK WATER AND

>> HHVE YOU EVER TRIED CAAYPSO

STRAWBERRY EMONNDE?

p> I STAY WAY FROM IT.

THAT'S A WOMAN DRINK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S REALLY GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, THIS ISN'T COOING FROM ME,

-pBUT PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMENTED ON%

YOUR VIIEO HAAE ALLEGED THAT YOU

CARE TOORESPOND?

>> NO, 'M NOT A [BLEEP].

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND..%

NEXT QUESSION.%

[LAUGHTER]

>> I DON'T WANT TO ASK TTIS, BUT

I FEEL I SHOULD.

DO YOO THINN YOU COULD BEAT E

IN A FIGHH?

>> WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS

THHT?

pICKET.

-pYOU AN FLY INTO NEW YORK.

>> TTAT SEEMS NICE.

-p>> YOU COULD COME TOOSMITHTOWN

AND WE'LL JUST SETTLE IT ON MY

FRONN LAWW, ALL RIGHT, JOSH?

>> IT'S TOSH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLLUSE]

>> JJST THE ACT THAT HE WENT TO

BOSTON TO SCHOOL.

OKAY?

ME AND HIM GROWING UPP WE

KNEW -- WE KNEW WE WERE DIE--ARD

YANKEE FANS.

WHEN HE WEET TO BOSTON, UM, YOU

KNOW, THAT RRALLY UPSET ME.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVERY

STORY.

THAT'S WHY I ALSS TRACKED DOWN

NICK.

YOU RIIHT NOW? ON THE PHONE WITH

INTERESTING.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, JOSS.

>> II'S TOSH..

[LAUGHTER]%

NICK, LET'S HEAR YOUR SIDE OO

THE STORY.

>> OH, WELL, THE GUIDO

SENSAAION'S MY COUSII, AD I

JUST REMINDED IM HOW STUPID E

IS IN O FEW WORDS.

>> YOU GUYS ARE FAMILL?

DO YOU FEEL LIKE HE OVERRRACTED

OR DID YYU DESERRE THIS?

>> I TOSSEE HIM A LOT OF

BEAAINGS AS A KID, SO COULD

UNDERSTAND THE HATRED.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT, BUDDY.

YOU KNOW, NNVER ONCE HAAE YOU

EVER BEAT ME IN ANYTHING,,

WHETHER IT BE SPORTS, CARDSS A

>> DID THE GUIDO SSNSATION EVERR

MAKE GOOD ON HIS THREAT TO SLAP

YOURRR...S, YOUR TEACHERSS TTE %

-pDEANN?

>> HE'S LYING.

[LAUGHTER]

>> HEY, FRANK, WHO WAS THAT

WEIRD GUY POSING BEHIND YOU WIIH

>> THAT'S MY FRIEND JOHN.

I THINK HE WAS HITTING THE

WEIGHTS A ITTLE BIT AT TTAT

PERIOD IN TIMM.

YYU KOW, I GUESS HE JUST WANTED

TO SHOW HII USCLES.

[LAUGHTER]

>>>ALL RIGHT, WE'VE HEARD BOTT

SIDESSAND, GUIDO SENSATION, I

THINK IT'S TIME YOU MANNEE UP

AND APOLOGIZED.

>> I'M NOT GGNNA GO OUT AND

WHAT I WILL DD IS MAYYE COME TO

COULD JUST TAAE A SHOT OF PATRON

pOGETHER AND, YOU KNOW, AND %

MAYBE JUST LET YGONES BE

BYGONES.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR MOVE,

NICKK

ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY IF YOU COME

UU TO BOSTON AAD DRINK A 12-PAAK

OF NATTY ICC WITH ME.

[LAUGHTERR

>> GOOD ENNUGH FOR ME.

I'M GLAD I COULD HELP YOU TWO

WORK THIS OUT.

THANKS FOR BEIIG HERE, GUYS.

MEE N.

AND, JOSH, GO [BLEEP] YOURSELFF

INDIVIDUAL BY THE NAME F JAY-Z

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEK, I SHOWED YOU OME

-pINAPPROPRIATE DANCE MOVES AND

YOO GUYS TRIED THEM OUT.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

[CLUB DANCC MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER]

[CROWD OHS]

>> OW!

OW!

[CROWD OHS]

p> OH, MY GOODNESS.

IS HAT SCEEE FROM THE MOVIE

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE?

[LAU

CALLED LIVING PHOTOGRAPHS.

PAINTINGS.

HERE'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

[LAUGHINN]%

CLOCK AND SEE IF THIS PICTURE'S

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS.

THIS PAINTING IS CALLED "NAKED

TEA TIME WITH GUY FROM THE

ROOTS."

[LAUGHTER]

MIGHT IIHAVE A SPOT OF KOOL-AID?

[LAUGHTER]

TYLER PERRY'S HOUSE LOOKS SO

ELEGANT.

[LAUGHTEE]

ONE LUMP OR TWO, BITCH?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M PRETTY SURE THE COPS JUST

TOLD HIM TO FREEZE.

[LAUGHTTR]

40 OUNCES OF TEA, PLEASE.

[LAUGHTER]

IIVE SEEN BLACK GUYS DO LESS --

[DRUM NOISE]%

[SCOFFS]

THEY DIDN'' LEE ME FINISH THAT

JOKE.

THAT SOUNDS REALLY BADD

HAD YOU HEARD THE REST OF IT, IT

WOULDN'T HAVE SOUUDED RACIST AT

ALL.

BUT I HAVE TO RESPEET THE DONG.

[LAUGHHNG]

SLOPPY SECOND CHANCE AT LOVE IN

THIS EEK'S WEBBREDEMPTION.

[APPLAUSE]

>> WHAT?

>> UH, IT'S CHRIS.

WELLOOE TO BACHELOR ANSION.%

pT KIND OF SUCKS.

>> YEAH?

>>>NICE HAIR.

>>>THANKK, MAN.

WHAT WAS THE RESPONSE FROM

PEOOLE AFTER THEY SAW THAT

VIDEO?

>> SOME PEOPLE WERE JUSTTLIKE,

AND OTHER PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "YOU

>> EAH.

THERE WAS ACTUALLY THIS AMATEUR

PORN STAR.

SHE WAS LIKE, "HEY, YOU SHOULD

>> DID YOU GO?"

>> UH, NN.

I ACTTALLY HAD SOME MONEY TO DO

IT, AND IIKIND OF SMOKED A BUNCH

OF WEED.

>> WHAT WOULD BE YOUR IDEAL

>> OKAY, SHE'S GOTTA AVE, LIKE,

BLACK HAIR, STRAIGHT, BLACK

HAIR, BLUE-GREY EYES, PALE SKIN,

ABOUT A C-CUP.%

>> HOW MUCH DOES SHE WEIGH?

>> ANYWHHRE FROM, LIKE, 110 TO,

-pLIKE, 135 AT HE MMST.

>> AT THE MOST.

OKAY.

>> I'VE KNOWN CHICKS THAT LOOKED

DAMN SEXY AT 135.

>> BUT NOT MANY.

>> RIGHT.

>>>IS YOUR PEEIS SIX INCHEE, OR

IS IT FIVE AND THREE-QUARTERS?

>> A LITTLE BIT OVER SIX NCHES.

>> VER SIX INCHES?

YOU UNDERSOLD IT.

QUARTER INCH TO TAKE HOME WITHH

>> A LITTLE SURPRISE.

>> THAT'S NICE.

-pTHAT IS NICE OF YOO.

>>>WHAT WAS THE DDSORDER THAT

YOU MENTIONND ON THERR?

>> AND SCHIZOPHRENIA.

>> SSHIZOPHRENIA.

>> WHICH IS ACTUALLY --

>> IS THAT SELF--IAGNOSED, OR

ARE YOU REALLY?

>> I'M VERY DIAGNOSED.

-p>> OH, YEAH?

YEAH, OKAY.

>> WHAT WOULD BE YYUR PERFECT

DATE?

>> GO O A MOVIE, GO TO DINNER,

AND HEN SIT AROUND ALL NIGHT

AND GET STONED, AND HAVE GREET

SEX.

>> I'VE SET YOU UU ON A FEW

DATES.

BUT BEFFRE THAT, I WWNT MY TEAM

OF HOLLYWOOD STYYISTS TO COME IN

AND GIVE YOU A FULL MAKEOVER.

OO, MY, CHRIS, WE HAVE UR WORK

CUT OUT FOR US.

ARE YOU NERVOUS?

>> A LITTLE.

>> WELL, WE HHVE FOUR DATES SET

I HOPE YOU CAN FIND YOUR

GIRLFRIEND.

YOU READY TO MEET THEM?

>> ALL RIGHT.

LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MEGAN,

LISA, KATIE, MOLLY.

ISN'T SHE GRACEFUL?

WELL, I HOPE YOU HAVE FFN ON

YOUR DATES.

DON'T GGT TOO EXCITED, 'M GONNA

THEM.

>> AL RIGHT.

>> HEY, OW ARE YOU?

>> HEY, OW YOU DOINGG

>> HE WAS SO CREEPY..

THAT'S A NICE HIRT..

[PLAYS VIOLIN]T IT?

JUST ACT LIKE I'M NOT EEE.

>> WASN'T REALLY INTO HER.

WHATTIS YOUR CUP SIZEE

>> HE WAS VERY INAPPROPRIATE.

>> I DIDN'T HEAR A WORD SHE

-pSAID.

I WAS FREAKKNG STARING AT HER

CANN THE WHOLE TIME.

> DID YOU GUYS DO A BACKGRRUND

CHECK ON TTIS GUY?

>> SO HOWWWAS YOOR DAY TODAY?

>> OH, IT WAS GOOD.

THANK YOU.

>>>ASK HER HOW MUCH MONNY SHEE

MAKES.

>> THAT'S NOT IMPORTTNT, IS IT?

>> I THINK SHE'S GOOD TO GO.

>>>WHEN YOU [BLEEP], HOW MANY

>> I THINK I'M ON THE WRONG

SHOW.

>> YOU ON "HELL DATE."

[LAUGHTER]

HELL DATE ♪

>> YOU LOOO BEAUTIFFL.

>> SHE WAS WAY INTO ME AND

SEEMED KIND OF DESPERATE.

AREEYOU A FAN OF ANAL SEX?

[BLOWS WHISTTE]

>> WOULD I GO ON A SECOND DATE

WITH CHRIS?

[LAUGHTER]

>> YEAH, I'M DEFINITELY

ATTRACTED TO HIM.

TOTALLL HAS THE LOOK I LIKE.

LIKE, THEELITTLEEFUZZ HERE AND

DIDN'T TALL MUCH.

>> OH.

[LAUGHTER]

>> DUDE,,I THINK IIM DYING.

FOR REAL.

YOU GUYS WERE MEANT FOR EACH

OTHER..

OKAY, CHRIS, YOU HAD FOUR DATES.

THREE OF THEM WERE PAINFFLLY

AWKWARD, TO BE HONEST.

BUT THE WORLD WANTS TO KNNW:

HAVE YOU FOUND YOUR NEWW

GIRLFRIEND?

>> YES, I HAVE.

>> CAN ELLMIIATE MYSELF?

>> LADIESS,SOMETHING YOU MIGHT

BE INTERESTED TO KNOW: WHEN

YOU'RE 30 OR 50 -- OR 40 OR 50,

MY UNCLE SHOULD DIE OFF.

WE SHOULD GET, LIKK, $1 MILLION.

>> HE WILL BE RECEIVING $1

>> WHEN A MAN HAS MONEYY IT

>> TAKE IT AWAY, CHRRS.

>> I'M SUPPR AATRACTED TO HIM.

>> BLACK HAIR -- STRAIGHT BLACK

HAIR, BLUE-GREY EYES, PALE KIN.

>> MOLLY, YOU CAN GO HOME.

>> IT'D HAVE BEEN LIKE BANGING

MY UULY SISTER.

-pTHIS IS WHERE THE DECISION

BECAAE VERY TOUGH, BUT I THINK

I'M GONNA GO WITH THE ONE THAT

I'VE SEEN MOSTLY NAKED.

HOLLY.

>> I THINK IT'S LISA.

>> WHATTVER.

THE BLONDE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

-pp> OH.

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE SUCH

CREEPY KIDS.

GET OUT OF HERE.

TAKE HER TO POUND TOWNN

>> I SAW YOUR VIDEO,

IMMEDIATELY FELL IN LOVE.

NOT WITH YOU PERSONALLY,

BUT JUST THE VIDEO.

WHAT WAS THE RESPONSE FROM

PEOPLE AFTER THEY SAW THAT

VIDEO?

>> GOOD AND BAD.

SOME PEOPLE WERE JUST LIKE,

"OH, MAN, YOU ROCK," YOU KNOW,

AND OTHER PEOPLE WERE LIKE,

"YOU NEED TO GET A JOB."

YOU KNOW, LIKE, SOME OF 'EM JUST

REALLY PREACH TO ME, YOU KNOW.

>> SURE.

>> IT WAS--A LOT OF--

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN,

YOU KNOW.

>> DID WOMEN REPLY TO THE VIDEO?

>> YEAH, THERE WAS ACTUALLY THIS

AMATEUR PORN STAR, YEAH, WHO

LIVED ABOUT A STATE AWAY,

AND SHE'S LIKE, "HEY, YOU SHOULD

COME VISIT ME, BUT YOU SHOULD

KNOW THERE'S, LIKE, 27 SPY CAMS

IN MY HOUSE, SO NOTHING WE DO

WILL BE PRIVATE."

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

>> DID YOU GO?

>> NO, I ACTUALLY HAD SOME MONEY

TO DO IT, AND I KIND OF SMOKED A

BUNCH OF WEED.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY WEED ON YOU

RIGHT NOW?

>> SOMEWHERE UP INSIDE MAYBE.

>> [laughs]

>> I BROUGHT IT ON THE PLANE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO,

YOU KNOW, DISLODGE IT YET.

>> HOW OFTEN DO YOU SMOKE WEED?

>> WHENEVER I HAVE MONEY.

>> WHY DO YOU WEAR THE HAIR

STRAIGHT DOWN IN THE FRONT?

>> I DON'T--JUST TO LOOK SEXY.

>> WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF

SEXY?

>> I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

>> WHAT--AND SINCE?

>> I'VE GAINED A LOT OF WEIGHT.

>> SO ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN,

RIGHT NOW, WHERE DO YOU THINK

YOU'RE AT?

>> I GIVE MYSELF A FIVE.

>> A FIVE?

>> YEAH.

>> OH, MAN.

>> I MEAN, IS IT BAD TO LOOK AT

ME?

ARE YOU LIKE, "NO"?

>> NO, NO, I'M SAYING YOU'RE

A SOLID SIX AND A HALF, SEVEN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> WHERE WERE YOU IN HIGH

SCHOOL?

>> I WAS ABOUT AN EIGHT.

>> WHAT WOULD BE YOUR IDEAL

WOMAN?

>> OKAY, SHE'S GOT TO HAVE,

LIKE, BLACK HAIR--

STRAIGHT BLACK HAIR,

BLUE-GREY EYES, PALE SKIN,

ABOUT A "C" CUP, AND AN ASS THAT

MOVES THE RIGHT WAY.

>> OKAY.

HOW TALL IS SHE?

>> A LITTLE SHORTER THAN ME.

>> OKAY.

HOW MUCH DOES SHE WEIGH?

>> I WOULD SAY ANYWHERE FROM,

LIKE, 110 TO, LIKE,

135 AT THE MOST.

>> AT THE MOST, OKAY.

>> I'VE KNOWN CHICKS THAT LOOK

DAMN SEXY AT 135.

>> BUT NOT MANY.

>> RIGHT.

>> HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART

BROKEN?

>> YEAH.

>> HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU

TO GET OVER IT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S KIND OF A--KIND OF LIKE

ALMOST LIKE GOING INTO SHOCK

KIND OF, LIKE, FROM PAIN,

YOU KNOW.

SO YOU JUST KIND OF BECOME DEAD

TO IT PRETTY QUICKLY.

>> DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER HAVE

YOUR HEART BROKEN AGAIN?

>> NO.

>> NO?

>> NO.

>> SO HOW DID PEOPLE ACTUALLY

CONTACT YOU WHEN YOU JUST PUT A

VIDEO ON YOUTUBE?

>> COMMENTS, PRIVATE MESSAGES.

USUALLY THEY'RE, LIKE,

IN OTHER STATES OR COUNTRIES,

SO THERE'S NOT MUCH I CAN DO

ABOUT IT.

>> ARE YOU SINGLE RIGHT NOW?

>> KIND OF.

IF YOU COUNT LONG-DISTANCE

RELATIONSHIPS, THEN NO.

>> I DON'T.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF THE AREA

CODE IS--

>> ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF THE DAMN

COUNTRY.

>> OUTSIDE OF THE COUNTRY.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OUTSIDE

OF THE COUNTRY.

>> YEAH, IN ENGLAND.

>> OH, YEAH?

>> YEAH.

>> HOW DID YOU MEET HER?

>> SHE FOUND ME AND SHE KIND OF

HAD, LIKE--SHE WAS LIKE,

"I'M STALKING YOU,"

AND I'M LIKE, "COOL."

I'VE GOT STALKERS, YOU KNOW.

>> IT'S KIND OF--IT'S OKAY WHEN

YOU'RE A MAN AND YOU HAVE

A FEMALE STALKER.

>> EXACTLY.

>> THE OTHER WAY AROUND TENDS TO

BE A LITTLE CREEPY.

>> YEAH.

>> HAS ANYBODY EVER CALLED YOU

CREEPY BEFORE?

>> YEAH.

>> DO YOU THINK YOU ACT CREEPY?

>> NOT REALLY.

>> ARE YOU A VIRGIN?

>> NO.

>> WHEN DID YOU LOSE YOUR

VIRGINITY?

>> WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 18,

OR SOMETIME LATE.

>> OKAY, WELL, I DON'T CONSIDER

THAT LATE.

I'D CONSIDER THAT THE PERFECT

TIME.

>> RIGHT.

>> I DIDN'T GET HAIR ON MY PUBES

UNTIL I WAS 16.

>> HMM.

>> THEN I SHAVED 'EM OFF AT 17.

TRUE STORIES.

WHEN YOU MEASURE YOUR DICK,

IS IT FLACCID OR ERECT AT 6

INCHES?

>> ERECT.

>> WHERE DO YOU MEASURE FROM?

I GO FROM MY BUTTHOLE.

>> [laughs]

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S--

THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW--

>> STARTING POINT?

>> YEAH.

>> OR FINISHING POINT.

6 INCH ERECT.

THAT'S A PERFECT, EVEN NUMBER.

>> RIGHT.

>> BECAUSE I SAY THAT I'M 6'4",

BUT REALLY I'M 6'3 1/2".

>> MM-HMM.

>> SO IS YOUR PENIS 6 INCHES,

OR IS IT 5 3/4?

>> IT'S, LIKE, A LITTLE BIT OVER

6 INCHES.

>> OVER 6 INCHES.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU UNDERSOLD IT.

>> WELL--

>> GIVE THE GIRLS A LITTLE

1/4 INCH TO TAKE HOME.

>> A LITTLE SURPRISE.

A LITTLE SURPRISE.

>> THAT'S NICE.

THAT IS NICE OF YOU.

YOU TALKED ABOUT BIPOLAR AND--

>> AND SCHIZOPHRENIA.

>> AND SCHIZOPHRENIA.

>> WHICH IS ACTUALLY A--

>> IS IT SELF-DIAGNOSED,

OR ARE YOU REALLY?

>> I'M VERY DIAGNOSED.

>> OH, YEAH.

YEAH, OKAY.

SO DO YOU TAKE MEDICATION

FOR THAT?

>> YEAH.

>> AND HOW'S THAT WORKING?

>> VERY WELL.

>> YEAH?

>> BUT NOT AS WELL AS JUST

KEEPING A CLEAR MIND, YOU KNOW?

>> GOTCHA.

>> WHEN IS YOUR UNCLE GOING

TO DIE?

>> HE'S REALLY HEALTHY,

AND HE HAS ENOUGH MONEY TO BE

KEPT ALIVE IN A ROBOT BODY

FOR AGES.

>> DO YOU HAVE A JOB?

>> NO, I HAVE NOT BEEN EMPLOYED

SINCE 2006.

>> AND WHAT JOB DID YOU HAVE

THEN?

>> I WORKED AT A GAS STATION.

>> UH-HUH.

SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT.

[laughter]

WHAT WOULD BE YOUR IDEAL JOB?

>> PORTER AT A BAR.

>> OKAY, THAT SEEMS VERY

OBTAINABLE.

>> YEAH.

>> HAVE YOU EVER FILLED OUT

AN APPLICATION?

>> THE ONE I CAN WALK TO

HAS NO PORTER--

WELL, THE OWNER'S KIND OF

THE PORTER.

BUT MY UNCLE'S A PORTER AT

A BAR, AND HE SAYS IF HE EVER

GETS ANOTHER JOB, HE'LL GIVE ME

HIS OLD JOB.

>> IS THIS THE RICH UNCLE?

>> NO.

>> OH, I WAS GONNA SAY,

APPARENTLY THAT PAID BETTER

THAN I THOUGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> DO YOU LIVE AT HOME

CURRENTLY?

>> YES.

>> HOW MUCH LONGER DO YOU PLAN

ON LIVING AT HOME?

>> UNTIL MY PARENTS DIE,

AND PROBABLY A FEW DAYS AFTER

THAT.

>> AND THEN YOU'LL LEAVE?

>> WELL, I'LL HAVE NO CHOICE.

>> DO YOU DRIVE?

>> NO.

>> DO YOU HAVE A DRIVER'S

LICENSE?

>> NO.

>> HAVE YOU EVER--HAVE YOU EVER

TAKEN THE TEST?

>> YEAH, WELL, I HAD MY PERMIT

WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 14.

>> UH-HUH, AND THEN JUST, NO?

>> THEY SAID, "YOU WANT A CAR,

YOU CAN GET A JOB,"

AND I'M LIKE,

"WELL, I CAN WALK."

>> DO YOU HAVE GREAT CALVES?

>> YEAH, I DO.

WANT TO FEEL 'EM?

>> I'D LOVE TO.

OH, THOSE ARE--ACTUALLY NOT BAD.

PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

GOT SOME STRONG CALVES.

WHAT CELEBRITIES ARE IN YOUR TOP

FIVE THAT YOU'D WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITH?

>> JENNIFER ANISTON, BUT SHE'S

KIND OF OLD NOW.

>> REALLY OLD.

>> REALLY OLD.

>> SEEMS LIKE SHE CAN'T HOLD

DOWN A MAN EITHER.

>> KATY PERRY'S HOT.

>> KATY PERRY.

>> AGAIN, YOU KNOW, WITH MY

PREFERENCES AND ALL.

>> YES.

A LITTLE--LITTLE ON THE CUCKOO

SIDE, I WOULD ASSUME.

>> PERFECT.

>> OKAY.

DO YOU THINK BEING ON TV WILL

HELP YOU GET GIRLS?

>> NO.

>> NO?

>> I THINK THAT MIGHT DETER ME

A LITTLE BIT.

>> WHY DO YOU WANT A GIRLFRIEND?

THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

>> 'CAUSE I NEED SOMEBODY TO

WHIP ME INTO SHAPE.

>> WHAT WOULD BE YOUR PERFECT

DATE?

>> GO TO A MOVIE, GO TO DINNER,

AND THEN SIT AROUND ALL NIGHT

AND GET STONED AND HAVE GREAT

SEX.

>> MAN.

SIGN ME UP.

NOT--NOT--

NOT WITH YOU, BUT--

SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL EVENING.

Loading...