January 31, 2012 - How to Get European Men

  • 01/31/2012

The Single Girl's Guide author gets a Web Redemption, and an Asian couple shares a harmonic kiss.

SHOULD ONLY BE USEDINSIDE THE GARAGE

WHEN THE DOORIS SEALED SHUT.

[indistinct speech]

[motor starts]

OH, IT'S NICE TO SEE NASAWORKING WITHIN THEIR NEW BUDGET.

IT'S LIKE FIGURE SKATINGFOR STRAIGHT DUDES.

THAT IS THE DUMBEST IDEAI HAVE EVER SEEN.

[motor starts]

[lively music]

I WANT TO GOON RECORD RIGHT NOW

AND SAY THAT CAPTAIN RONWAS A BETTER FILM

THAN PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN.

- HI,I'M KATHERINE.

I WROTE THE BOOK,

THE SINGLE GIRL'S GUIDE TO MEETING EUROPEAN MEN.

FROM MY TRIPS ABROAD,

I LEARNED THATSO MANY SINGLE GIRLS

REALLY WANTEDTO MEET THE EUROPEAN MEN.

I CAN GO ON AND ONABOUT WHY I DID,

BUT TODAY, WE'RE GOING STRAIGHTTO THE SOURCE.

THE SINGLE GIRLSWANT TO KNOW WHY

ITALIAN MENARE GOOD TO DATE.

- BECAUSE WE AREITALIAN STALLIONS,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- OH, I THINKWE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

WHAT DO MEN FROMTHE BALKAN PENINSULA LOVE MOST?

- UH, THEY LOVE ROMANCE.

- THANKS, ALEXANDERFOR CLUEING US IN

THAT EUROPEAN MENDO IN FACT LOVE WOMEN.

- I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORERELIEVED TO BE AN AMERICAN.

THAT LOVE GURU IS KATHERINE,

AND HER VAGINAIS EXTREMELY UNPATRIOTIC.

IT'S PROBABLY MUCH EASIERTO FIND A DATE OVER THERE

WHEN THEY DON'T UNDERSTANDANY OF THE DUMB THINGS

COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

YOU JUST NEED A PAIR OF TITSAND A PULSE

TO BE AN EXPERTAT LANDING A EUROPEAN MAN.

HERE'S ALL YOU NEEDTO KNOW ABOUT DATING--

IT'S AWFUL.

THE ONLY THING WORSEIS BEING

IN A HEALTHY COMMITTEDRELATIONSHIP.

HOW HARD CAN DATING BEIF JASON SUDEIKIS IS GOOD AT IT.

I DON'T DATEBECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO.

EVERYONE WHO'S WORTH A SHIT

HAS ALREADY METTHE LOVE OF THEIR LIFE

OR IS DATING MODELS.

TRUST ME.

SPEED DATING SEEMSLIKE A GOOD IDEA,

BUT YOU KNOW WHO MAKESA GREAT FIRST IMPRESSION?

LIARS.

HERE'S WHAT I WANTIN A GIRLFRIEND--

SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANTTO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.

I JUST WANT TO GET INTHE SMUSH ROOM AND BE DONE.

I DON'T LIKETO TAKE WOMEN TO DINNER.

I PREFER A GOOD WALK.

NOT ONLY IS IT FREE,

BUT IT'S JUSTDARN GOOD EXERCISE.

THEN AGAIN, I LEARNEDEVERYTHING ABOUT DATING

FROM THAT STEVE HARVEY BOOK.

SO I COULD BEWAY OFF BASE.

EVENTUALLY,WE ALL SETTLE.

HOPEFULLY,WE GET TO THAT HAPPY POINT

IN THE RELATIONSHIPWHERE WE DON'T TALK

AND JUST LOOK AT OUR iPHONES.

KATHERINE WANTEDTO HELP WOMEN FIND A CAVEMAN

LIKE PAU GASOL

AND ENDED UP COMING OFFLIKE A PSYCHOPATH.

SO I BROUGHT HER TO L.A.TO TEACH ME

THE TRICKS OF THE TRADE

IN THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

HI, I'M DANIEL.

I HOST THE SHOW, TOSH.0.

- HI, I'M KATHERINE.

- I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

LET'S GO TALK ABOUTALL THE MEN YOU BANGED.

WELL, TELL MEABOUT YOUR BOOK.

- IT'S A COMBINATION OF DATING,RELATIONSHIP, AND TRAVEL.

AND IT'S ALSO FULLOF TRUE STORIES,

WHICH A LOT OF THEMARE HILARIOUS.

'CAUSE GIRLS TEND TO GETINTO HILARIOUS SITUATIONS.

[chuckles]

- IN YOUR BOOK,DO YOU YOU TELL GIRLS

HOW FAR THEY SHOULD GO?

- NO, I MEAN,THAT'S UP TO THE GIRL.

- GOOD.

- I HAVE GIRLSWHO ARE "SEXCAPADERS,"

AND THEY WANT TO GET LAID

IN EVERY SINGLE COUNTRYTHEY VISIT.

THEY EVEN HAVE HOOKUP MAPS.

- DID YOU BECOME AN AUTHORSO YOU COULD WRITE OFF

YOUR EUROPEAN SEX TOURS?

- DANIEL.

- WHAT COUNTRY HASTHE SMELLIEST MEN?

- THEY DON'T.

FOR THE MOST PART,THEY ALL SMELL REALLY GOOD.

- WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK

OF YOU TRAVELINGOVER TO EUROPE TO GET...

- [laughs]

- MY PARENTSARE SUPER EASYGOING.

- THAT SEEMS LIKEA FATHER'S NIGHTMARE.

A DAUGHTER THAT WANTS TO GOTO EUROPE TO MEET DUDES.

- OKAY,SO IN ALL HONESTY,

I DID TRUTHFULLYGO THERE TO STUDY.

- UH-HUH.

- NOT JUST TO MEET MEN,

AND I WANTED TO MEETALL DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE,

BUT THEN I HAD SUCH A FUN TIMEWITH THE GUYS.

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITECOUNTRY TO VISIT?

- WELL, SPAIN IS REALLY FUN.

THEY HAVETHE ALL-NIGHT FESTIVALS.

- IT'S JUSTA GROSS SAND PIT.

- YOU SHOULD RUNWITH THE BULLS SOMETIME.

I-I DIDN'T RUN WITH THEM,BUT--

- I FIND IT OFFENSIVE.

ALL I ROOT FORIS ALL THE BULLS

TO KILL EVERY SINGLE PERSONTHAT'S WATCHING AND RUNNING.

- NO, YOU DON'T.- THAT IS MY WISH.

HOW MANY TIMES HAS YOUR PASSPORTBEEN STAMPED BY EUROPEAN MEN?

- DANIEL!

- ARE WE IN THE HIGH TEENS?

- I-I THINK THIS SHOULD BEBEST LEFT TO A MYSTERY.

- HOW MANY DATESHAVE YOU GONE ON?

CAN WE ASK THAT ONE?

- A LOT.

- [cackles]- I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

I'VE LOST TRACK.

- IS THIS THE FIRST TIME

YOU'VE EVER BEENIN A DUMPSTER?

- YEAH, I CAN HONESTLYSAY IT IS.

- ARE EUROPEAN MEN MORETIT MEN OR ASS MEN?

- IT DEPENDS ON THE COUNTRY.

- FRANCE.

- UM, MORE ASS.

- GOOD TO KNOW.- [laughs]

- ARE ITALIANS AS DISGUSTINGAS THEY APPEAR ON TELEVISION?

- NO.

- WHAT COUNTRYIS THE BEST AT CUNNILINGUS?

- [laughs]

- WHAT COUNTRYIS PRETTY GOOD AT IT?

WHAT COUNTRY HASTHE CLEANEST BATHROOMS?

- THE CLUBS IN SPAIN--THEY HAVE AMAZING BATHROOMS.

- YEAH?- YEAH.

THEY EVEN HAVE MARBLEON THE FLOOR.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN

A BATHROOM FLOORTHAT'S MARBLE?

- YES.

IF I PUT YOUIN A DARK ROOM,

AND YOU WERE MAKING LOVETO A MAN,

COULD YOU TELLWHAT COUNTRY HE'S FROM

JUST BY THE WAYHE THROWS THAT DICK?

- YOU CAN'T STEREOTYPE ITTHAT MUCH.

- DOES IT BOTHER YOUTHAT MOST EUROPEAN MEN

ARE UNCIRCUMCISED?

- I DON'T REALLY CARE...

- YOU DON'T CARE?- WHAT EUROPEAN MEN DO.

- IT'S NOT AS HYGIENIC.

DO YOU THINKYOU WILL ULTIMATELY END UP

MARRYING AN AMERICAN MAN?

- IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

JUST THE RIGHT MAN.

- AS LONG ASTHEY'RE NOT BLACK?

YOU CLEARLY HAVE MASTEREDNAILING EUROPEAN DUDES,

BUT IT'S TIMEFOR TO YOU BRANCH OUT.

AND I HAVE THE PERFECTCOUNTRY FOR YOU.

THESE MEN ARE HARDWORKING.

THEY'RE MACHO.

THEY HAVENO STUDENTS LOANS

AND THEY LOOK GREATIN BLUE JEANS.

- OKAY.I'M READY.

[laughs]- YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT.

OKAY,YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

NOW ALL YOU NEEDIS A SACK FULL OF CHALUPAS,

AND YOU'LL BE SETTO MEET A WONDERFUL MEXICAN MAN.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW AREYOU READY TO GET ANOTHER SHOT?

- SI.

- I GO BOOM BOOMWITH THE BOYS,

I GO BOOM BOOMWITH THE GIRLS.

[speaking Spanish]

CABO SAN LUCAS,I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

[baby crying]

- THOSE ARE SOMEFERTILE PEOPLE,

BUT THEY'RE NOT FOR ME.

- WELL, THAT'S WHYJESUS INVENTED SEVEN CONTINENTS.

OH, THAT'S PERFECT.

YOU ARE DEFINITELY GONNAFIND LOVE DRESSED LIKE THAT.

AND I'VE GOTTHE PERFECT MAN FOR YOU.

YOSHI.

YOSHI, KATHERINE.

KATHERINE, YOSHI.

BOW.

AND YOSHI, SHE STILLHAS HER ASIAN VIRGINITY,

SO EASY WITHTHE WEIRD STUFF.

UGH,WHAT HAPPENED?

- I DON'T WANTTO TALK ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M BETTER OFFWITH THE EUROPEAN MEN.

[telephone rings]

- WHAT'S UP,GIRLFRIEND?

- DANIEL, SOME EUROPEAN MENARE COMING TO KIDNAP ME.

I'M REALLY SCARED.

- LISTEN TO MEVERY CAREFULLY.

THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE YOU

AND PROBABLY RAPE YOU.

I NEED YOU TO SHOUT OUTEVERYTHING YOU SEE.

BAD TEETH, OILY SKIN,PONYTAILS.

HELP ME HELP YOU.

- [screams]

- HELLO?

- LISTEN,I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE

OR WHAT YOU WANT,BUT I AM NOT GOING TO COME

LOOKING FOR YOU.

AND I WOULD WEAR A RUBBER.

SHE GETS AROUND A LOT.

- HELLO?

[dial tone]

AND I MISSEDSOME BIG NEWS STORIES.

SO HERE'S SOME STUFFTHAT HAPPENED,

THAT I DIDN'T GETA CHANCE TO MAKE FUN OF.

RUSSELL BRAND AND KATY PERRYFINALLY GOT

AS SICK OF EACH OTHERAS WE ARE OF THEM.

MAYBE THEY REALIZEDHOW FREAKISHLY MISSHAPEN

EACH OTHER'S HEADS ARE.

MARK SANCHEZ SPENT THE YEARHONORING REX RYAN'S FOOT FETISH

BY THROWING PASSESAT HIS RECEIVER'S FEET.

NICK SABAN SHOWED US THATIF SOMETHING IS REALLY HARD,

YOU CAN ALWAYS QUIT AND FINDAN EASIER WAY TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

ANOTHER KEY WITNESSIN THE JERRY SANDUSKY TRIAL

DIED MYSTERIOUSLY.

THE PRESIDENT OF CHINARETIRED.

MONEYBALL MARKEDTHE FINAL PERFORMANCE

OF ONE OF HOLLYWOOD'S BESTCOMEDIC ACTORS.

YOU WILL BE MISSED,FAT JONAH HILL.

WE LEARNED THE DANGERSOF TEXTING

WHILE DRIVING A CRUISE SHIP,

AND OUR SOLDIERS SHOWED USTHEY CAN PISS

WHEREVER THE HELL THEY WANT.

U.S.A.!

OH, AND TODD GLASS CAME OUTON THE PODCAST.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, TODD.

I CAN NO LONGERBE FRIENDS WITH YOU,

BUT I AM PROUD OF YOU.

IT'S NOT ABOUTWHAT I'M WEARING,

BUT WHO I'M WEARING,

BECAUSE THIS ISTHE SEASON OF HIGH FASHION.

[cheering]

[camera shutter clicking]

HIGH FASHION, HIGH FASHION,HIGH FASHION.

THANK YOU.

TONIGHT,I'M WEARING JOHN VARVATOS.

THIS UNDERSTATED ENSEMBLECAN EASILY BE YOURS

FOR A MERE $11,842.

[tires screeching]

[crash]

OH, NO, THE AUTO PART AISLEHAS BODY PARTS IN IT.

NOW LET'S PRETENDWE DIDN'T JUST SHOW

SOMEONE GETTING MURDEREDIN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

ALL RIGHT,THIS IS A GAS STATION

IN TENNESSEE,AND APPARENTLY,

THIS WOMAN REALLY NEEDSTHE BATHROOM KEY.

SIR, WE ACTUALLY DOTHE SMOG TESTING NEXT DOOR.

JUST GIVE HIMTHE DAMN CAR WASH CODE.

WHY EVEN BUY A TRUCKIF YOU'RE NOT GONNA

DRIVE THROUGH DOORS,WINDOWS, AND PEOPLE?

ALL RIGHT, THIS GUYIS COLLATERAL DAMAGE RIGHT HERE.

I HOPE HE LANDEDNEAR THE ADVIL.

WHEN YOU WORKAT A GAS STATION,

GETTING HIP-CHECKEDBY A PICKUP TRUCK

JUST COMES WITH THE TERRITORY.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,FINISH HIGH SCHOOL.

YEAH, NOW WOULDBE A GOOD TIME

TO SLIP OUT THATMASSIVE NEW FRONT DOOR.

IF YOU WALK CASUALLY ENOUGH,

THEY CAN'T CHARGE YOUWITH FLEEING THE SCENE.

THAT'S THE LAW.

THIS GUYIS JUST GETTING STARTED.

FROM A CRASHED TOYOTA TUNDRATO A STOLEN DODGE DURANGO.

I'M CALLING THATA LATERAL MOVE.

GUESS WHAT.

HE MADE THE STATE LINEBEFORE SUNDOWN

AND HASN'T BEEN SEEN SINCE.

[tires screech]

JUST KIDDING.

SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO NOTICETHOSE GIANT MACK TRUCKS

WITH THE BLARING HORNS COMING.

[tires screech]

THIS IS NOT A GOOD DAYFOR HIS INSURANCE PREMIUMS.

RIGHT, FLO?

I'M JUST GLAD THAT CONVENIENCESTORE HAD MORE CAMERAS ROLLING

THAN THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE.

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

FOR A WHILE.

ARE ASIANS STILL DOINGWEIRD STUFF?

- THIS IS THE HARMONIC KISS.

OOOH...

OOOH...

- SHE USES HIS WEINERAS A TINY LITTLE TUNING FORK.

THAT'S THE WARNING SIRENTHAT LETS THEIR KIDS KNOW

DADDY'S ABOUTTO BURY HIS RAINBOW ROLL

INTO MOMMY'S YELLOWTAIL.

THAT'S HOW I GREETMY STAFF EVERY MORNING.

LETS THEM KNOW I STILL CAREWITHOUT CROSSING ANY LINES.

MORNING, GUYS.

- MORNING, DANIEL.

- OOOOH...- OOOOH...

- OOOOH...- OOOOH...

- OOOOH...- OOOOH...

- OOOOH...- OOOOH...

[slap]

- [blows raspberry]

REAL MATURE.

THERE'S NO HARMONIC QUEEFING.

AH, SOME PEOPLEJUST DON'T KNOW

HOW TO BEHAVEIN THE WORKPLACE.

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