May 20, 2014 - Space Shuttle Launch

  • 05/20/2014

A teenage girl brings a shovel to a fistfight, Daniel founds a new church, and Tosh.0 fans tweet their #twisdom to the class of 2014.

DRUGS ARE THE ULTIMATE PACIFIER,

AND SCREEN SAVERSARE WAY BETTER IN CONCERT.

FINDING OUT THAT BINKIESWORK ON ADULT WOMEN

IS A GAME CHANGER.

- SO GET THIS,HIS EX LIKED MY--

[relaxed techno music]

- I DID LIKE SIX TAKES,

AND I KEPT PUTTINGTHE OPPOSITE ONES

IN THEIR MOUTH EACH TIME.

DID YOU KNOW FOR EVERY PERSON

WHO GOES ON A GLUTEN-FREE DIETIN PAKISTAN,

THREE PEOPLE LOSE A JOB?

- [moaning and grunting]

- SOUNDS LIKE THAT THINGCOULD USE A NEW MUFFLER.

THEY DON'T HATE OUR FREEDOM.

THEY HATE OUR FARM EQUIPMENT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GUYS GET

FOR EATING ALL THE DONKEYSIN YOUR COUNTRY.

SITTING ON ALL THE OILIN THE WORLD

AND NOT USING A DROP.

IN AMERICA,WE USUALLY GET MEXICANS

TO DO THAT FOR US.

- [moaning and grunting]

- I FORGOT TO TAKE MY CLARITIN.

YOU'RE THE RACIST IF YOU THOUGHTI WOULD BE ON TOP.

LIKE I WOULD HAVE ANY IDEAHOW TO USE A LAWN MOWER.

- [shouting indistinctly]

- OH, [bleep].

clang!

[audience exclaims]

- SEEMS LIKE THIS COULD HAVEALL BEEN WORKED OUT

OVER SOME CRACKER BARREL.

NOW LET'S DIG DEEP

INTO THE SHOVELHEARD ROUND THE WORLD

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[applause]

HERE'S WHAT WE KNOW:

THE GIRL IN THE PINK

IS AMERICA'S NEWEST SWEETHEART.

HER NAME IS MIRANDA,

AND SHE IS 16 YEARS OLD.

THEY CALL HER SHOVEL GIRL,

WHICH MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

EMILY,THE 14-YEAR-OLD IN BLACK,

IS THE ONE WHO LANDEDTHE MOST ACCURATE THROW

A WOMAN'S EVER MADE.

SHE SHOULD BE CALLEDSHOVEL GIRL.

THE PEOPLE BATMAN KNOCKS OUTAREN'T CALLED BATMAN.

THE DEFENSE RESTS.

A LOT OF YOU WERE DEMANDINGTHAT WE GIVE THESE TWO

A WEB REDEMPTION,BUT THE ONE IN THE PINK

IS CURRENTLY SERVING A SENTENCEIN JUVIE

FOR A COMPLETELYDIFFERENT CRIME,

UH, SO THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.

- SO MANY RULES--IT'S LIKE HAVING SEX

WITH A PROSTITUTEFOR THE FIRST TIME.

BY THE WAY,THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER A BOY,

BECAUSE WHEN YOU LIVEIN THE STICKS OF OHIO,

ANY GUYTHAT ISN'T A BLOOD RELATIVE

IS WORTH KILLING FOR.

- [bleep] BITCH!

- I WONDER WHO'S WATCHINGTHEIR BABIES.

- ALL RIGHT. GET UP. GET UP.

GET UP, GUYS.

[indistinct chatter]

- GIRLS NEEDAT LEAST 15 MINUTES OF PRIMPING

FOR EVERY FIVE SECONDSOF FIGHTING.

DID YOU GUYS GETIN A FENDER BENDER?

STOP EXCHANGING INFOAND START PINCHING TITTIES.

- YOU KICKED MEIN THE STOMACH AGAIN!

IT'S ON NOW!

- BITCH THIS, BITCH THAT--

LEARN THE C-WORD ALREADY.

- YOU BETTER QUIT HITTING MEIN MY FACE, BITCH.

- THAT'S THE POINT!

IT'S A FIGHT!

- ALL RIGHT,SHE GOT YOU THERE.

- [shouting indistinctly]

- ALL RIGHT, IT'S CLEARTHERE'S NO FATHER FIGURE

IN HER LIFE,BECAUSE IF THERE WERE,

HE WOULD HAVE PUTHIS TOOLS AWAY.

- OH, [bleep].

clang!

- FIRST OF ALL, AMAZING TOSS.

THOSE HAVE A TENDENCYTO UNDER-ROTATE.

- OH, [bleep].

clang!

- IT'S NOT SURPRISINGHOW HOLLOW HER HEAD SOUNDS.

TECHNICALLY THAT'S ALLOWED

UNDERTHE "STAND YOUR GROUND" LAW.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO WHACK HERAGAIN TO BE SAFE,

THEN USE THE SHOVELTO BURY HER.

- WELL...

SHE DID GET ONE.

YOU JUST DON'T REMEMBER IT.

- [speaking indistinctly]

- YEAH, THERE WE GO.

- THAT'S WHY GIRLSALWAYS HAVE ONE FAT FRIEND--

TO CARRY THEM HOME.

AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T EMBARRASSTHE STATE OF OHIO

AS BADLYAS JOHNNY FOOTBALL WILL,

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

- HOW ABOUTA BIG COUNTDOWN?

- ANY COUNTDOWN OR SOMETHING?

[fuse hissing]

[laughter]

- YAY!

- GOOD LUCK TOPPING THAT,YOU LAZY SOVIETS.

THAT'S TODD, AND I THINK HE JUSTMADE A VIAGRA COMMERCIAL.

GROWN-UPS WHO PLAYWITH MODEL ROCKETS

ARE JUST COVERING UPFOR THEIR REAL HOBBY

OF AVOIDING THEIR FAMILY.

I'M A GRADUATE OF ASTRONAUTHIGH SCHOOL.

I HAVE MULTIPLE FAMILY MEMBERSWHO WORKED AT NASA,

AND I COULDN'T GIVELESS OF A [bleep] ABOUT SPACE.

I HAVEN'T EVEN EXPLOREDALL THE CHARMING BRUNCH SPOTS

IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD YET.

SPACE IS HEAVEN FOR ATHEISTS.

MOST OF WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT IT

CAME FROM GEORGE LUCAS'SBIG FAT NOGGIN.

BEING AN ASTRONAUT ISEVERY YOUNG BOY'S DREAM

UNTIL THE WET ONES START.

THEN THE ONLY BLACK HOLETHEY WANT TO PROBE

IS THE POOP CHUTE.

ASTRONAUTS USED TO BE HEROES.

THE MOST FAMOUS ASTRONAUT EVERIS LANCE ARMSTRONG,

BUT THAT GUY TURNED OUTTO BE SUCH A NOTORIOUS LIAR

THAT NOW NO ONE BELIEVESTHE MOON LANDING WAS REAL.

NASA ISN'T PROPELLINGTHE HUMAN RACE INTO THE FUTURE.

THEY KILL 4% OF THE PEOPLETHEY LAUNCH INTO SPACE.

IT'S JUST ANOTHER POORLY RUNGOVERNMENT AGENCY.

THEY SPENT A BILLION DOLLARSTO SEND AN RC CAR

WITH A GO PRO TAPED TO ITTO MARS.

WHAT DID THE ROVER SEND USTODAY?

MORE PICTURES OF SAND?

THANKS FOR NOTHING, DORKS.

BUT IF TODD WANTS TO SPENDHIS SATURDAYS IN A FIELD

PLAYING WITH TOYS,

THEN I'LL BRINGTHE SHUTTLE PROGRAM BACK

FOR ONE MORE LAUNCHIN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

HEY, TODD,WELCOME TO FAKE NASA.

- HEY, TOSH, HOW ARE YOU?TAKE A SEAT.

- THANK YOU.

WHAT YOU EATING THERE,A PILE OF SIDEWALK CHALK?

- YEAH, AND A LITTLEDEHYDRATED SALISBURY STEAK.

YUM.WHAT'D YOU GET?

- NO, I DON'T DOASTRONAUT FOOD.

I ORDERED OUT.

TELL ME THE STORY OF HOW THATVIDEO GOT POSTED ONLINE.

- THIS WAS AT A CUB SCOUTROCKET FEST.

- WHAT IS THAT?

- THAT IS ABOUT 50 CUB SCOUTSWITH ALL THE ROCKETS

AND ALL THEIR PARENTSAT OUR CLUB FIELD

FOR AN ANNUAL EVENT.

- OKAY.

- THIS WAS JUST A ONCEEVERY YEAR THING.

I TRY TO TAKE THE SHUTTLE UPAND SEE IF IT WORKS.

- THIS WAS THE FIRST ATTEMPT?

- THIS WAS THE THIRD.

- WELL, WHAT HAPPENEDTHE FIRST TIME YOU LAUNCHED IT?

- SO THE FIRST TIMEWAS WITH A CUB SCOUT EVENT,

AND TWO OF THE MOTORS IGNITED,AND IT SLID ACROSS THE GRASS

AND IGNITED IN FLAMES,LITERALLY.

- WERE CHILDREN SCARED?

- THEY THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT.

THE CATASTROPHIC EVENTSARE ALWAYS THE MOST FUN.

- SURE.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I SAWA SHUTTLE BLOW UP.

- RIGHT.- NOT AS FUN.

HOW MANY LAUNCHES AFTERTHAT VIDEO HAVE YOU ATTEMPTED?

- ONE OTHER,AND IT DIDN'T END UP WELL,

SO I'M STILL TRYING.

- HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE YOU SPENTON JUST THAT SHUTTLE?

- PROBABLY 50 BUCKS.

- DID YOU NAME YOUR SHUTTLE?

- YES, THE GENESIS.

- I HAD A NAME FOR IT.

THE MENTALLY CHALLENGER.

- HMM.

- THAT WOULD'VE BEEN CUTE.

WHAT ABOUT JET PLANES?

YOU HAVE ANY JETRADIO-CONTROLLED PLANES?

- I DO.

I HAVE A WHOLE HANGARFULL OF JETS.

- AND BY HANGAR,DO YOU MEAN GARAGE?

- YEAH, THE GARAGE.

IT'S HANGING LITERALLYFROM THE ROOF OF THE GARAGE,

AND THEY'RE MADE OUT OF FOAM,

AND THEY GO ABOUT 100 MILESAN HOUR.

- OH, YEAH.- LITERALLY.

- SO YOU COULD TAKE THATTO THE CHEST,

IT WOULD DO SOME DAMAGE.

- ABSOLUTELY.

- WHAT DOES THE T IN T-MINUS15 SECONDS STAND FOR?

- I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S "TODD."

- SEEMS--THAT SEEMS LIKE ITWOULD BE QUITE A COINCIDENCE.

DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE GRAVITY?

- I HAVEN'T YET.

- GEORGE CLOONEY DIES.

DID YOU SEE OBLIVION?

- I DIDN'T SEE THAT.- YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT.

- NO?- GEORGE CLOONEY DIES IN IT.

- DOES HE?

- OH.

[robot beeping]

THANK YOU.

[robot beeping and warbling]

OH, YOU FORGOT MY COLE SLAW.

HOUSTON'S, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

[laughs]

ALL RIGHT, BEFORE WE LAUNCHYOUR SHUTTLE,

WE NEED TO UNDERGORIGOROUS SPACE MAN TRAINING

IN OUR STATE-OF-THE-ARTSIMULATOR.

- BRING IT.

[aggressive rock music]

- HOW'S SHE LOOKING?

- I THINK SHE'S GOOD TO GO.

- OKAY.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GOTO SPACE,

SO I WILL BE SENDING 13 LOADSOF MY DNA.

SPATIAL DISGRACIAL.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU NEED SOME HELP THERE?

- I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TOTOUCH THIS.

GENTLEMEN, LET'S MAKE HISTORY.

CHALLENGER 2, PREPARE FOR LIFTOFF.

- T-MINUS 17 SECONDS.

- WAIT, WAIT.

IT IS LOOKING A LITTLE CLOUDY.

LET'S SCRUB THE LAUNCH.

- 13, 12--

- WHOA, HOLD ON.

I'VE GOT A BAD FEELINGABOUT THIS ONE.

LET'S SCRUB THE LAUNCH.

- 11, 10...

- WAIT, A BUTTERFLY JUSTFLAPPED ITS WINGS IN MICRONESIA,

SETTING OFF A CHAIN OF EVENTSTHAT WILL BE A CATASTROPHE.

SCRUB THE LAUNCH.

HOLD ON, I GOT TO PEE.SCRUB THE LAUNCH.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

IS YOUR PHONEIN SPACE SHUTTLE MODE?

TODD!SCRUB THE LAUNCH.

- FIVE, FOUR--

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, IS IT ME,OR DID HE SKIP SIX?

SCRUB THE LAUNCH.

NO, I DON'T WANT NO SCRUB.

A SCRUB IS A GUY THAT CAN'T GETNO LOVE FROM ME.

SCRUB THE LAUNCH.

OOH, SCRUB THE LAUNCH.

I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHINGSO FUNNY.

I NEED TO TWEET ITBEFORE I FORGET.

- 14.- WAIT, LET'S SCRUB THE LAUNCH.

NO REASON.

[robot beeping]WHAT?

OH.

I DON'T WANT MY COLE SLAWFIVE MONTHS AFTER I ORDERED IT.

HOUSTON'S, WE HAVEYET ANOTHER PROBLEM.

I ORDERED HOUSTON'S.

HOUSTON'S, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

[laughs]DOESN'T GET OLD.

- TEN, NINE...

- MAIN ENGINES START.

- EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX, FIVE,

FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.

- BOOSTER IGNITION AND LIFTOFF

FOR THE SPACE SHUTTLE CHALLENGER 2.

- MY CALCULATIONS SHOWTHAT THE SPACE SHUTTLE MODEL

SLOWED DOWN THE METEORJUST ENOUGH TO KEEP IT

FROM DESTROYING EARTH.

TODD SAVED THE PLANET.

[applause]

- WHOO!- SUCCESS!

SUCCESS!

SUCCESS!

- SOMEBODY OWES ME 50 BUCKS.

- THE REAL HEROESOF THAT REDEMPTION

WERE THE MILLIONSOF POTENTIAL MEs

WHO MADE THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE.

NOW, WHO'S EXCITEDFOR THE WORLD CUP?

RIO 2014:

LAST TEAM ALIVE WINS.

[people screaming]

[gunfire]

SAVE YOUR AMMO.

THERE MIGHT BE A BAD CALL LATER.

BRAZIL'S REAL NATIONAL SPORTIS MURDERING TOURISTS.

BETWEEN THE WORLD CUPAND THE OLYMPICS,

EVERY SPORTS FANWILL BE DEAD BY 2016.

NOW, OFF TO BEHEADTHE OTHER TEAM'S CAPTAIN.

IT'S GETTING TO THE POINT

WHERE YOU CAN'T EVEN SAFELY DATEBRAZILIAN SUPERMODELS ANYMORE.

click!

- YES!- COME ON.

YOU SAID NO SPINSIES.

- YEAH.- AH, DAMN IT.

I JUST REMODELED.

- BRAZIL'S NUMBER ONE!

[explosion booms]

- THE ONLY THING BRAZILIANS HATE

MORE THAN SPORTSMANSHIPIS PUBES.

FINALLY, IT'S GRADUATION SEASON,

WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME

TO START PAYING OFFA LIFETIME OF DEBT

FOR AN EDUCATION

THAT WON'T HELP YOUMAKE ANY MONEY.

SO WHO BETTER THAN MY FANS,

WHO'VE ALREADY BEEN BEATEN DOWNBY LIFE,

TO DISPENSE SOME FREE ADVICE

IN A SEGMENT CALLED"WORDS OF TWISDOM."

"WORTH IT?"

"HI, I'M DAN TOSH."

TWISDOM.

"NEVER PUSH.

"IF IT ISN'T COMING OUT,

PULL YOUR PANTS UPAND COME BACK LATER."

"DON'T TAKE PROFESSOR MILLER.

"[bleep] YOU, MILLER,YOU SMUG ASSHOLE."

HA-HA!

MILLER!

TWISDOM.

"ONE: BEFRIEND A COWORKERNAMED BRIAN.

"TWO: MAKE SUREBRIAN IS WEAKER THAN YOU.

THREE: BLAME EVERYTHINGON BRIAN."

"IF EVERYONE HAS AIDS,THEN NO ONE HAS AIDS."

THAT'S SOME DEEP TWISDOM.

I THINK THAT'S SAFE TO TRY.

HAS ANYONE DONE THAT?REALLY?

GET THE [bleep] OUT OF HERE.

TWISDOM.

GOOD LUCK TO THE CLASS OF 2014.

AND TRY NOT TO SUCKLIKE THE CLASS OF 2013.

GOOD NIGHT,AND CONGRATULATIONS

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