September 20, 2011 - Eli Porter

  • 09/20/2011

Daniel invades ASU, Eli Porter raps with Skylar Grey, and co-eds sample hot foods on campus.

I'M OBLIGATED TO SAYI ENJOYED MY TIME HERE AT ASU.

THE MEMORIES I'VE MADEIN THE LAST 42 HOURS

WILL STAY WITH MEFOR AT LEAST A WEEK.

[marching band plays Stars and Stripes Forever]

- CAN I HELP YOU?

- I'M YOUR NUDE MODEL.

[students gasp]

- THIS IS ECONOMICS.

- ENJOY YOUR STIMULUS PACKAGE.

[laughter]

IT IS A PLEASURETO BE HANGING OUT

WITH THE MEXICAN FRAT TODAY.

- WE ARE THE GROUNDKEEPERSFROM THE CAMPUS.

- [groans]

AH, IT'S NICE TO BE HEREWITH MY PEOPLE.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

- WE'RE HAVING ITALIAN.

- CHINGA PENDEJOS.

all: VIVA LA TOSH![cheering]

- CABO SAN LUCAS!

[cheering]

[knock on door]- YO.

CHECKING ALL DORM ROOMSFOR SEMEN.

SORRY, GUYS,BUT I GOTTA DO THIS.

GOOD.

LOOKS PRETTY CLEANIN HERE.

[slow-motion scream]

WHAT WAS THAT?

[overlapping conversations]

OKAY.

OH![laughs]

.24!

WHOO![cheering]

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

- [screams]- AH!

- CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'RE THE 100TH CALLERON THIS PHONE.

NOW, IF YOU CAN GIVE METHE PHRASE THAT PAYS,

YOU AND YOUR ATTACKERWILL BE OFF

TO BEAUTIFUL ARUBA.

- I'M BEING ATTACKEDBY A RAPIST.

- NO, I'M SORRY.

WE WERE LOOKING FOR WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

[marching band plays Stars and Stripes Forever]

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE

RAP GAME?

>> I'VE BEEN IN IT EVER SINCE I

WAS 14.

>> 14 YEARS OLD.

>> YES.

>> AND HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> 24.

>> TEN YEARS IN THE GAME.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> ATLANTA.

>> ATL.

>> YESSIR.

>> AM I THE FIRST WHITE PERSON

YOU'VE EVER SEEN?

>> NO.

[laughs]

NO.

>> DID YOU WIN THAT RAP BATTLE?

>> I THINK I DID.

>> BUT THEY SAID YOU DIDN'T WIN?

>> THEY SAID I DIDN'T WIN,

BUT I THINK I DID.

>> I THINK YOU DID AS WELL.

WAS THAT THE FIRST RAP BATTLE

YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN?

>> THAT WAS MY FIRST BATTLE THAT

WAS FILMED.

>> OKAY, AND WHAT WAS THAT

FILMED FOR?

>> IT WAS A HIGH SCHOOL THING

THAT WE USED TO DO JUST FOR FUN,

BECAUSE IT WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE

IN MY SCHOOL THAT JUST--

JUST USED TO LIKE TO RAP.

SO WE FIGURED, WHY NOT COME UP

WITH A COMPETITION AND A MIC.

>> I LIKE IT.

AND IS THAT SHOW STILL ON THE

AIR?

>> WELL, SINCE I LEFT HIGH

SCHOOL, I DON'T KNOW IF THEY

STILL DO IT.

>> DO YOU PREFER RAP BATTLES

OR JUST STRAIGHT RAPPING?

>> I PREFER JUST STRAIGHT

RAPPING.

>> ARE ALL YOUR RAPS FREESTYLES

OR NO?

>> I DON'T WRITE NONE OF THEM

DOWN, SO...

>> YOU DON'T WRITE ANYTHING DOWN

EVER.

AND HOW DO YOU KEEP IT FROM--

NOT FORGETTING THEM?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I'M JUST THAT GOOD.

>> WHAT DID PEOPLE SAY ABOUT THE

VIDEO WHEN IT CAME OUT?

>> A LOT OF THEM THOUGHT I WAS

RETARDED.

THEY SAID I FROZE UP.

>> DID YOU FREEZE UP?

>> NO, I DID NOT.

THEY STOPPED THE BEAT.

>> THEY STOPPED THE BEAT.

>> YEAH, SO WHEN THEY STOPPED,

I STOPPED, SO...

>> DID YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WROTE

THAT, "I DID IT," THAT IT'D

BECOME SO POPULAR?

>> I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GONNA BE

THAT BIG.

I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS FOR

SCHOOL.

AND THEN WHEN I SAW IT OUT ON

THE INTERNET, I WAS VERY UPSET,

BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHO PUT IT

OUT THERE.

AND, ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT THEY

TRIED TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID.

BUT WHEN I GOT ALL THE--

YOU KNOW, THE LOGISTICS OF IT

AND SAW HOW GOOD IT DID, I SAID,

"WHAT THE HECK.

I MIGHT AS WELL TAKE IT AND RUN

WITH IT.

>> AND HAVE YOU MADE A LITTLE

MONEY OFF OF IT NOW?

>> OH, THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW

AND YOU TO FIND OUT, BUDDY.

>> I APOLOGIZE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY BEEFS RIGHT NOW?

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE MIGHT THINK

I'M BEEFING WITH 50 TYSON,

BUT THAT AIN'T NO BEEF.

>> WOULD YOU AND 50 TYSON EVER

RAP TOGETHER?

>> NO, I TRIED TO DO THAT.

I HIT HIM UP ON HIS FACEBOOK.

I DIDN'T GET NOW RESPONSE.

>> GOD DAMN, HE'S SLIPPING.

DO YOU HAVE BEEF WITH

ROSIE O'DONNELL?

'CAUSE THAT BITCH WILL CUT YOU.

>> NO, I DON'T HAVE NO BEEF WITH

ROSIE O'DONNELL, MAN.

>> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A

BISEXUAL BRIDAL SHOWER?

>> NO, I HAVEN'T.

>> HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ONE

BEFORE THAT?

>> OH, NO, I JUST MADE THAT UP

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.

>> THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

>> OH, APPRECIATE IT.

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> I'M GLAD.

>> DO YOU NORMALLY SWEAR IN YOUR

RAPS?

>> MY MOUTH IS--TENDS TO SAY

WHAT IT WANTS.

>> THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH

THAT.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SWEAR

WORD?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I TEND TO TELL PEOPLE "FUCK OFF"

WHEN THEY GET ON MY NERVES.

>> THAT'S A POWERFUL ONE.

HOW THE BITCHES BEEN TREATIN'

YOU?

>> SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE, I'VE

SEEN A COUPLE NICE FEMALES.

>> ARIZONA'S OKAY, RIGHT?

>> YES, IT IS.

YES, IT IS.

>> IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY CAR IN

THE WORLD, WHAT KIND OF CAR

WOULD YOU WANT?

>> A BUGATI.

>> AIM SMALL. JEEZ.

>> I LIKE FAST CARS.

>> YOU EVER GOT A SPEEDING

TICKET?

>> NO, I HADN'T HAD ONE.

>> DO YOU HAVE YOUR DRIVER'S

LICENSE?

>> NO, I USE MY GEORGIA I.D.,

THOUGH?

THAT COUNT FOR ONE?

>> GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

HAVE YOU EVER SOLD DRUGS?

>> OH, NO, NO, NONE OF THAT.

I LOOK TOO GOOD FOR JAIL.

>> DO YOU HAVE AN ALBUM COMING

OUT?

>> I HAVE ONE THAT'S GONNA BE

RELEASED IN OCTOBER.

GUESS WHAT IT'S CALLED?

INTELLIGENTLY RETARDED.

I'M SO SMART, IT'S STUPID.

>> [laughs]

OH.

TELL ME YOUR VISION FOR YOUR RAP

CAREER.

>> NOT A LOT OF MONEY,

BUT ENOUGH MONEY TO THE POINT

WHERE I CAN GET MY DAD

A HOUSE...

>> OKAY.

>> SET UP A FOUNDATION FOR

PEOPLE THAT GOT CANCER,

AND HAVE ME A HOUSE WITH

A BUNCH OF BUTT NAKED FEMALES.

>> [laughs]

I CAN'T FAULT YOU.

YOU DID ALL THAT GOOD, YOU

DESERVE A HOUSE WITH BUTT NAKED

FEMALES.

>> THANK YOU.

>> HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR

A PERFORMANCE?

>> LISTEN TO THE MUSIC.

THEN WHEN I GET READY TO DO WHAT

I DO, I JUST DO IT.

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, ELI.

IT'S TIME TO SILENCE ALL THE

HATERS.

YOU'RE GONNA PERFORM TONIGHT,

HERE, IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF

PEOPLE.

>> OH, MAN, THE MORE

THE MERRIER.

LET'S GET IT.

>> FIRST THING WE NEED TO DO

TO HELP US ALL OUT IS GET YOU

A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES.

>> OH, MAN, MERRY CHRISTMAS

TO ME.

>> MAN, THOSE GLASSES LOOK GOOD.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

>> YOU ARE NOT GONNA LIKE THIS

PART.

[gunshot]

>> DUDE, FUCK!

>> THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO GET

STREET CRED THAN BY GETTING

SHOT.

NOW, YOU GO TO THE STUDENT

HEALTH CENTER, GET THAT TAKEN

CARE OF, AND I'LL HANDLE

EVERYTHING ELSE.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

[crowd groaning]

HE SEEMS TO BE CHECKINGTHAT THING MORE THAN TWICE.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDSON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANYFUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

IF YOU PAN OVER,YOU CAN SEE

THE EASTER BUNNY GIVINGTHE TOOTH FAIRY A RIMJOB.

ALL RIGHT,JUST SO WE DON'T GET SUED,

THAT'S NOT THE REAL SANTA.

IT'S TIM ALLEN.

I HATE WHEN I'MAT THE BEACH,

AND THERE'S NO PLACE TO SIT.

[crowd groaning]

ALL RIGHT, STOP RIGHT THERE.OKAY, OKAY.

HE'S PROBABLY ASKING SANTAFOR A BIGGER ASSHOLE.

THAT'S WHY SO MANY KIDS CRY

WHEN THEY SIT ON SANTA'S LAP.

YEAH.

HE'S GOT A HUGE BONER.

[mid-tempo hip-hop music]

>> I TRIED TO THINK OF SOMETHING

REALLY CLEVER TO SAY.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE OUT

WITH YOU.

>> OH, WE DON'T HAVE TIME

FOR IT.

>> WILL YOU GO GAY FOR ME?

>> [laughs]

I APPRECIATE IT.

>> PLEASE CALL ME.

>> THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU.

>> MAKE SURE YOU WRAP UP

OUT HERE.

>> [laughs]

>> THERE'S FOUR CONDOMS.

>> ANAL OR ORAL?

>> ORAL.

>> THIS IS OUR NUMBER

AND ADDRESS.

WE'RE HAVING A PARTY FOR YOU.

YOU REALLY NEED TO COME OVER.

>> THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE

I WON'T.

>> YOU CAN PREGAME AT OUR PLACE.

>> BUT THAT'S NICE.

>> I'M AN ALPHA PHI, AND WE HAVE

A FORMAL, AND I'D REALLY LIKE

YOU TO BE MY DATE.

>> WHEN IS IT?

>> OCTOBER 27TH.

>> UGH, I AM BUSY THAT NIGHT.

>> GODDAMN IT, THEY TOLD ME JOEL

FROM THE SOUP WAS GONNA BE HERE.

TURN THIS THING OFF.

>> HEY, SO WHAT'S THE MOST

DISGUSTING THING YOU'VE EVER

DONE?

>> OH...

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE OUT OF TIME.

>> HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW

I BANGED YOUR GRANDMA?

>> PHEW, IT INFURIATES ME,

BUT I ALSO RESPECT YOU.

>> WHAT DID YOU HATE MOST

ABOUT ASU?

YOU'RE AN ALUM, RIGHT?

>> I AM NOT.

>> I HEARD THEY WERE LOOKING FOR

A HOST THAT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY...

>> UH-HUH.

>> SO TAKE THIS.

GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU NEED

AN ACTUAL GOOD JOKE.

>> DONE.

>> WHY DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE?

>> MY PARENTS MADE ME GO

TO COLLEGE, AND I LEARNED LITTLE

TO NOTHING.

>> WOULD YOU BANG THE BLUE CHICK

FROM AVATAR?

>> YES.

>> I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT

I THINK YOU'RE REALLY HILARIOUS

FOR SOMEONE SO UGLY.

>> [laughs]

I AGREE.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE STD

AND WHY?

>> AND I WILL SAY GONORRHEA,

JUST BECAUSE IT SOUNDS

LIKE DIARRHEA.

>> OKAY.

>> HOW ABOUT YOU?

>> CHLAMYDIA, PROBABLY.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF CHLAMYDIA

HERE, APPARENTLY.

>> JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS.

I'M GONNA SIT ON YOUR LAP.

>> OH, I DON'T--OH, THIS IS

VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> IF YOU USE THIS NEXT TIME

YOU GET A BLOW JOB,

IT'LL FEEL AMAZING.

>> DONE.

WHAT ABOUT IF YOU GIVE ONE?

>> SO ARE YOU SURE

YOU'RE NOT GAY?

>> I'M PRETTY CLOSE TO SURE.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF NIPPLE RINGS?

>> NOT A FAN.

>> THEN YOU'RE NOT--YOU DON'T

LIKE THAT I DID THIS FOR YOU?

>> OH, I LIKE THAT.

THAT'S A SOLID LOOK.

>> SO THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND

BACK THERE.

>> OKAY, I WON'T HIT ON HER.

>> AND IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME

IF YOU, LIKE, MAKE OUT WITH HER

OR GRAB HER ASS OR SOMETHING.

>> DONE.

GET IN HERE.

>> [laughs]

IF I SHOW YOU MY BOOBS, CAN I

HAVE TICKETS TO YOUR SHOW?

>> NO.

>> HOW DOES IT FEEL THAT, LIKE,

ASU HATES YOU?

>> OH.

>> STARING CONTEST.

>> DAH!

>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN

A MEXICAN DO THIS?

>> THAT'S MY FIRST.

>> KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK,

YOU ASSHOLE.

>> [laughs] I'LL TAKE IT.

- HE'S GONNA DO IT.

- HE DID IT.YOU FUCKING DID IT.

[laughs]- ALL RIGHT.

- IF YOU'RE NOT DRINKINGOUT OF A BONG,

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

LET'S RELAX OUR THROATSAND LET GRAVITY DO THE WORK,

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

I CAN'T TELL YOU

HOW MUCH I APPRECIATEA FINISHED GARAGE.

AND THAT ISA HIGH QUALITY FUNNEL.

ANY TIME YOU HAVE TO GOTO LOWE'S

BEFORE YOU START DRINKING,

IT'S GONNA BEAN AWESOME NIGHT.

OOH, LIKE AN ALCOHOLICSTATUE OF LIBERTY,

HE RAISES HIS ARM HIGH.

CHECK OUTTHAT SWEET LEATHER CUFF.

YOU'RE NOT IN KINGS OF LEON,YOU DUMPY SON OF A BITCH.

- HE'S GONNA DO IT.- HE DID IT.

- ALL RIGHT,NOT SO FAST.

YOU CAN'T SAY HE DID IT

UNTIL THE SWALLOW IS COMPLETE.

THE SAME RULE APPLIESIN MY HOTEL ROOM.

- ALL RIGHT.

OH!

- UH-OH. HE LETA LITTLE PRE-JACK THERE.

THIS IS TROUBLE.

- OH!OH, NO!

- DID HE JUST VOMITON AN OFFICIAL REGULATION

WORLD SERIES OF BEER PONGTABLE?

WELL, AT LEAST IT WASN'TAN AIR HOCKEY TABLE.

SWITCH IT ON, IT BECOMESTHE BELLAGIO OF PUKE.

NOW, START UP THE CAR AND GETTHE CARBON MONOXIDE FLOWING

SO I CAN GET A REAL BUZZ.

I THINK THIS GUY NEEDS TO WATCHHOW IT'S DONE

FROM PEOPLEWITH STRONGER STOMACHS.

- [indistinct]

DUMPING OUT.HE'S GONNA THROW UP.

'CAUSE SEE--OH, YES!

- [retches]

- OH, HIS BLEEDING NOSE!

- WE'RE JUST GLAD BEER BONGSLEAD TO PUKING,

AND FOUR OUT OF FIVEALCOHOL-RELATED DEATHS.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

I HAVE SOME OF THE MEANESTFOLLOWERS IN THE WORLD,

BUT I WANTED TO SEEIF YOU HAD THE BALLS

TO INSULT MERIGHT TO MY FACE.

THAT'S WHY I ARRANGEDA TWEET AND GREET ON CAMPUS

AND GAVE YOU GUYSTEN SECONDS EACH

TO TELL MEWHATEVER YOU WANTED.

[laughs]

[cheering]

- I REALLY DON'T KNOWWHAT TO SAY.

NEVER MET, LIKE,A D-LIST CELEBRITY BEFORE.

- [laughs]I'LL TAKE IT.

- OH, MY GOD.I'M NEVER NERVOUS LIKE THIS.

- AND YOUR TIME'S UP.- NO! [laughs]

WAIT.- YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.

- CAN I BEAN DIP YOU?

- N--OH, I LIKE IT.[laughs]

- CAN I GET, LIKE,A KISS OR SOMETHING?

- NO.- OH, WHY NOT?

- BECAUSE I DON'T WANNAGET ANYTHING.

- WEIRD.

- YOU CAN'TJUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER.

YOU LOOK DIRTY.I--

- I'VE NEVER WATCHEDA SINGLE EPISODE OF YOUR SHOW.

- OKAY.

- IT'S NOT--I NEVERTHOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY.

- HEY, BUT YOU'RETHE FUNNIEST

WHITE GUY I KNOW, BRO.

- THANK YOU.- STRAIGHT UP.

- YOU'RE THE ONLYBLACK GUY I KNOW

THAT GOES TO ASU.

- FUCK THAT.

DIDN'T EVENPUT ON UNDERWEAR, MAN.

JUST FUCKING DIPPED--

- YOU DON'T GOT UNDERWEAR ON?- NO.

SERIOUSLY.- [laughs]

- TRUST FALL.- [screams]

- WHY ARE YOU UNDERAN UMBRELLA

WHEN IT'S NOT SUNNY OUT?

- YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE,SHOULD UNDERSTAND THE DANGERS

OF GETTING SUN,EVEN ON A CLOUDY DAY.

- [laughs]

- I CAN PUT MY FISTIN MY MOUTH.

- CAN I SEE IT?- YEAH.

- [chuckles]

- CAN I GIVE YOU A HUG?- NO.

- NO?- EH, FUCK IT.

- CHEEK KISS?- NO.

- PLEASE?- NO, NO.

- I'M GONNA DO IT.- HUG IT, HUG IT.

- I JUST WANTED TOLET YOU KNOW

THAT I'M STILL A VIRGIN,

SO, HERE'S MY NUMBER.

- OH, I APPRECIATE THAT.

I'VE NEVERBEEN ANYBODY'S FIRST.

- OH, MY GOD.

- THAT'S AWESOME.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M GONNA HAVE SEXWITH YOU.

- HI.- WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

- COULD YOU JUST HIT ME UPTO SMOKE A "J" LATER?

- [laughs]

I LIKE HIM.

- WHY DON'T YOU PRETEND

THAT I HAVE SOMETHINGREALLY FUNNY TO SAY?

HELP ME GETSOME PUSSY HERE.

- OKAY.[laughs]

- ISN'T THAT FUNNY?THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- WILL YOU HAVE SEXWITH MY GIRLFRIEND?

- WHAT'S SHE LOOK LIKE?

- BLONDE ONE.

- NO.- WHAT ABOUT ME?

- YES!- YEAH!

- WHAT UP, TOSH?HOW'S IT GOING?

- HOW ARE YOU?LOOK AT THIS GUY.

- DOING GOOD.

- MAN, YOU'RE WHAT HITLERHAD IN MIND.

- I AM?THANKS. [laughs]

- THANKS FOR COMING,GUYS.

[crowd shouting]

NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,

A LIVE WEB REDEMPTION.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU GUYS READYTO HELP GIVE ELI ANOTHER SHOT?

[cheers and applause]

THEN PLEASE WELCOMEELI PORTER,

AND WITH HIM,THE LOVELY AND TALENTED

GRAMMY-NOMINATEDSINGER-SONGWRITER,

SKYLAR GREY.

[R&B music]

- [vocalizing]

♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN

♪ 'CAUSE HE DID ITHE DID IT ♪

♪ DID IT

[marching band plays]

- DJ, MAKE THESEWHITE PEOPLE

GET UP AND DANCE.

- ♪ UNGH

♪ YEAH

♪ ALL RIGHT

♪ I GOT ONE QUESTION MAN

♪ TELL ME WHO NEXT

♪ THIS NIGGA SALTLIKE THE NIGGA ♪

♪ WHO DONE GET IT THE BEST

♪ SEE I'M THE BEST MANI DID IT ♪

- ♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN,HE DID IT, DID IT ♪

- ♪ I'MA LET YOU KNOWWHO THE BEST BY THE HOUR ♪

♪ HE'S LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELLAT A BISEXUAL BRIDAL SHOWER ♪

♪ I'M THE BEST MANI DID IT ♪

- ♪ HE'S THE BEST MANHE DID IT, DID IT ♪

- ♪ LOOK AT THIS DUDENEED TO STAY IN THE SHADE ♪

♪ AIN'T NO WONDERWHY HE CAME OUT ♪

♪ HE IN THE GAY PARADE

♪ I'M THE BEST MANI DID IT ♪

- ♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN

♪ HE DID IT - ♪ I DID IT

- ♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN

♪ HE DID ITHE'S THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE DID IT

♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN

♪ 'CAUSE HE DID ITHE'S THE BEST MAN, MAN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE DID IT, DID IT

♪ THEY ALL WANNA KNOWWHY YOU THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ HE THE BEST MAN'CAUSE HE THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ AND REALLY, HE AIN'TEVEN GOTTA HAVE A REASON ♪

♪ HE JUST DID IT

♪ THEY ALL WANNA KNOWWHY YOU THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ HE THE BEST MAN'CAUSE HE THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ AND REALLY, HE DON'TEVEN GOTTA HAVE A REASON ♪

♪ HE JUST DID ITHE JUST DID IT ♪

♪ HE JUST DID IT

- I DID IT!

[cheers and applause]

- GIVE IT UPFOR ELI PORTER

AND SKYLAR GREY!

- ♪ I GOT ONE QUESTION, MAN

♪ TELL ME WHO NEXT

♪ THIS NIGGA SALTLIKE THE NIGGA ♪

♪ DONE GET IT THE BEST

♪ SEE, I'MA LET YOU KNOWWHO THE BEST BY THE HOUR ♪

♪ HE'S LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELLAT A BISEXUAL BRIDAL SHOWER ♪

♪ SEE, I'M THE BEST, MAN

♪ I DID IT

- I NEVER REALIZED BLINKING

WAS SO IMPORTANTIN THE RAP GAME.

THAT UP-AND-COMING ARTISTWAS ELI PORTER,

AND HE PROVEDTHAT BEING BLACK

DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLYMAKE YOU A GREAT RAPPER.

BUT ROLLING YOUR EYESBACK INTO YOUR HEAD

IS ABOUT AS H.A.M. AS IT GETS.

HARD AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

IF YOU WANT TO RISETO THE TOP,

YOU NEED TO BE SPECIAL.

YOU CAN'T JUST WALK ON STAGEAND BECOME A SUPERSTAR.

I AM THE EXCEPTION.

AND DON'T BLAME YOUR FAILUREON HATERS.

IF EVERYONE THINKS YOU SUCK,THEY'RE NOT HATERS.

THEY'RE RIGHT.[cheers and applause]

LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONSAND YOU'LL BE MUCH HAPPIER.

GO TO A STATE SCHOOLIN THE DESERT

WITH A MEDIOCREFOOTBALL PROGRAM

AND ROOT FOR A .500 SEASON.

[crowd boos]

YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

I WAS TALKING ABOUTTHE WILDCATS.

YEAH.[cheers and applause]

EVERY GREAT RAPPERNEEDS A MENTOR.

BIGGIE HAD DIDDY,EM HAD DRE,

AND NOW ELI HAS TOSH.

THAT'S WHY I CONVINCED HIM

THAT AIRPLANES ARE NOTGIANT SILVER MONSTERS

AND FLEW HIM OUT TO GIVE HIMONE MIC, ONE BEAT, ONE STAGE,

IN THIS WEEK'S WEBRE-RE-REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

THANKS FOR MEETING MEUP HERE, ELI.

YOU SEE ALL THOSE PEOPLEDOWN THERE?

- WHAT PEOPLE?

- FIGURATIVELY.- OH.

- OKAY,THEY'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS

A NEW KING OF HIP-HOPHERE AT ASU.

HIS NAME IS ELI PORTER.

- THAT'D BE ME.YES, IT WOULD.

- WHERE YOU FROM?

- ATLANTA.- A-T-L.

AM I THE FIRST WHITE PERSONYOU'VE EVER SEEN?

- [laughs]NO.

NO.

- DID YOU WIN THAT RAP BATTLE?

- I THINK I DID.

- AND WHAT WAS THATFILMED FOR?

- IT WAS A HIGH SCHOOL THING

THAT WE USED TO DOJUST FOR FUN.

AND THEN WHEN I SAW IT OUTON THE INTERNET,

I WAS VERY UPSET,

BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOWWHO PUT IT OUT THERE.

AND ACTUALLY,I THOUGHT THEY TRIED

TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID.

BUT WHEN I SAW HOW GOODIT DID, I SAID,

"WHAT THE HECK?

I MIGHT AS WELL TAKE ITAND RUN WITH IT."

- WHAT DID PEOPLE SAY

ABOUT THE VIDEOWHEN IT CAME OUT?

- UH, A LOT OF THEMTHOUGHT I WAS RETARDED.

THEY SAID I FROZE UP.

- DID YOU FREEZE UP?

- NO, I DID NOT.THEY STOPPED THE BEAT.

- DO YOU HAVE BEEFWITH ROSIE O'DONNELL?

'CAUSE THAT BITCHWILL CUT YOU.

- NO, I DON'T HAVE NO BEEFWITH ROSIE O'DONNELL, MAN.

[laughter]

- HAVE YOU EVER BEENTO A BISEXUAL BRIDAL SHOWER?

- NO, I HAVEN'T.

- HAVE YOU EVER HEARDOF ONE BEFORE THAT?

- NAW, I JUST MADE THAT UPOFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.

- THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

- OH.APPRECIATE IT.

- HOW THE BITCHESBEEN TREATING YOU?

- EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE,

I'VE SEEN A COUPLENICE FEMALES.

- ARIZONA'S OKAY,RIGHT?

- YES, IT IS.

- [laughs]- YES, IT IS.

- DO YOU HAVEAN ALBUM COMING OUT?

- I HAVE ONE THAT'S GONNABE RELEASED IN OCTOBER.

GUESS WHAT IT'S CALLED.

INTELLIGENTLY RETARDED.

I'M SO SMART,IT'S STUPID.

- [laughs]

TELL ME YOUR VISIONFOR YOUR RAP CAREER.

- NOT A LOT OF MONEY,BUT ENOUGH MONEY.

TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN GETMY DAD A HOUSE.

- OKAY.

- SET UP A FOUNDATION

FOR PEOPLETHAT GOT CANCER.

AND...

HAVE ME A HOUSE WITH A BUNCHOF BUTT-NAKED FEMALES.

- [laughs]

ALL RIGHT, ELI,

IT'S TIME TO SILENCEALL THE HATERS.

YOU'RE GONNA PERFORM TONIGHT,HERE,

IN FRONT OF THOUSANDSOF PEOPLE.

- AW, MAN.THE MORE THE MERRIER.

LET'S GET IT.

- FIRST THING WE NEED TO DOTO HELP US ALL OUT

IS GET YOUA PAIR OF SUNGLASSES.

- OH, MAN.MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME.

- MAN,THOSE GLASSES LOOK GOOD.

- THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

- YOU ARE NOT GONNALIKE THIS PART.

[gunshot]

- THE FUCK!

- THERE'S NO BETTER WAYTO GET STREET CRED

THAN BY GETTING SHOT.

NOW, YOU GOTO THE STUDENT HEALTH CENTER,

GET THAT TAKEN CARE OF,

AND I'LL HANDLEEVERYTHING ELSE.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

[cheers and applause]

NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,

A LIVE WEB REDEMPTION.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU GUYS READYTO HELP GIVE ELI ANOTHER SHOT?

[cheers and applause]

THEN PLEASE WELCOMEELI PORTER,

AND WITH HIM,THE LOVELY AND TALENTED

GRAMMY-NOMINATEDSINGER-SONGWRITER,

SKYLAR GREY.

[R&B music]

- [vocalizing]

♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN

♪ 'CAUSE HE DID ITHE DID IT ♪

♪ DID IT

[marching band plays]

- DJ, MAKE THESEWHITE PEOPLE

GET UP AND DANCE.

- ♪ UNGH

♪ YEAH

♪ ALL RIGHT

♪ I GOT ONE QUESTION MAN

♪ TELL ME WHO NEXT

♪ THIS NIGGA SALTLIKE THE NIGGA ♪

♪ WHO DONE GET IT THE BEST

♪ SEE I'M THE BEST MANI DID IT ♪

- ♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN,HE DID IT, DID IT ♪

- ♪ I'MA LET YOU KNOWWHO THE BEST BY THE HOUR ♪

♪ HE'S LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELLAT A BISEXUAL BRIDAL SHOWER ♪

♪ I'M THE BEST MANI DID IT ♪

- ♪ HE'S THE BEST MANHE DID IT, DID IT ♪

- ♪ LOOK AT THIS DUDENEED TO STAY IN THE SHADE ♪

♪ AIN'T NO WONDERWHY HE CAME OUT ♪

♪ HE IN THE GAY PARADE

♪ I'M THE BEST MANI DID IT ♪

- ♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN

♪ HE DID IT - ♪ I DID IT

- ♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN

♪ HE DID ITHE'S THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE DID IT

♪ HE'S THE BEST MAN

♪ 'CAUSE HE DID ITHE'S THE BEST MAN, MAN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE DID IT, DID IT

♪ THEY ALL WANNA KNOWWHY YOU THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ HE THE BEST MAN'CAUSE HE THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ AND REALLY, HE AIN'TEVEN GOTTA HAVE A REASON ♪

♪ HE JUST DID IT

♪ THEY ALL WANNA KNOWWHY YOU THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ HE THE BEST MAN'CAUSE HE THE BEST MAN ♪

♪ AND REALLY, HE DON'TEVEN GOTTA HAVE A REASON ♪

♪ HE JUST DID ITHE JUST DID IT ♪

♪ HE JUST DID IT

- I DID IT!

[cheers and applause]

- GIVE IT UPFOR ELI PORTER

AND SKYLAR GREY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

SPEAKING OF SUNBURN,

WHAT I DID YESTERDAYHERE ON CAMPUS

MAY OR MAY NOT BECONSIDERED A HATE CRIME,

DEPENDING ON HOW YOU FEELABOUT REDHEADS.

BURN, GINGERS, BURN.

[electronic music]

- EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TOSH.0WILL PLAY ANY VIDEO

AS LONG AS IT'SAN OFFICIALLY SANCTIONED

WORLD RECORD,AND THAT BLIMP

JUST SOAREDOVER SEVEN PEOPLE.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

IT'S TIME FOR"I'M BETTER THAN YOU,

"NA-NA NA-NA,BOO-BOO,

"STICK YOUR HEADIN DOO-DOO,

AT ASU-U."

[dramatic music]

[cheers and applause]

NA-NA NA-NA,BOO-BOO,

STICK YOUR HEADIN DOO-DOO.

IT'S TIME TO INTRODUCE YOU TOYOUR NEW MASCOT, ASU.

[crowd ohs]

THAT'S A HUMAN TAIL.

FOR ME, PERSONALLY,THAT'S A DEAL BREAKER.

AW, HE JUST WANTS A TREAT.

WHO DOESN'T WANT TO GET FINGEREDDURING A PIGGYBACK RIDE?

ALL RIGHT,MOAN ALL YOU WANT.

THAT THING LOOKSWAY WORSE IN PERSON.

YOU MOVE IT ON PURPOSEOR IS IT TWITCHING?

- I CAN MOVE IT.

- HOLY COW.

- WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

- NOTHING.

HMM.

[growls]- [screams]

SHIT!FUCK!

[screams]

OW, SHIT!

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