September 22, 2010 - Reporter Who Can't Break Glass

  • 09/22/2010

The Reporter Who Can't Break Glass gets a Web Redemption, and Tosh.0 fans tweet about racy videos.

THAT HANG JOB AGAIN.

[FLUTE MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE EVIAN AWARD FOR

STRONGEST SCROTUM GOES TO --

[LAUGHTER]

I'M MORE IMPRESSED WITH HOW

SMOOTH AND HAIRLESS HIS SAC IS.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE IS ALWAYS A LINE FOR THAT

MACHINE AT MY GYM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU JUST GONNA HANG THERE ALL

DAY?

START STROKING.

I'VE BEEN TOLD I HAVE SOME

PRETTY STRONG NADS MYSELF.

♪♪

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AWFULLY GENEROUS WITH THE BLUR.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET

MY DOG TO GO TO SLEEP.

HE'S LIKE, "HANG ME FROM YOUR

[BLEEP]."

AND YOU JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY FIND HIS BODY.

YOU EVER HEARD OF A BOOZE

CRUISE?

THIS NEXT ONE SHOULD BE CALLED A

BRUISE CRUISE, BECAUSE EVERYBODY

ON THE BOAT DIES.

[LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH.

I KNOW HOW IT ENDS.

DICAPRIO WASTES HIS LIFE TO SAVE

AN ANNOYING FAT GIRL.

LET'S GET ALL HANDS ON DECK IN

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

>> YEAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER THAN

A CRUISE?

IT'S LIKE A FLOATING PRISON WITH

SMALLER ROOMS AND BETTER FOOD,

BUT THE SAME AMOUNT OF

INVOLUNTARY ANAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, DIDN'T WE INVENT

AIRPLANES SO WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO

USE BOATS ANYMORE?

WHO BUTTERED THE FLOOR?

IT LOOKS LIKE THAT AWESOME

JAMIROQUAI VIDEO.

YOU KNOW THE ONE.

HE ONLY HAD ONE.

OH, WOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE

HIS SIZE DO THE SMOOTH CRIMINAL

LEAN.

♪♪

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EDDIE, ARE YOU OKAY?

ARE YOU OKAY, EDDIE?

THOSE ARE SOME ROUGH SEAS.

THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECT TIME

TO TAKE YOUR WIFE FOR A ROMANTIC

"STROLL" ON THE LIDO DECK.

THEY'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO PROVE

IT.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

OOH!

SOMEONE CALL THE SHIP'S DOCTOR.

LINDA FROM OMAHA JUST TOOK IT TO

THE FACE.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

SHE MIGHT HAVE TO SKIP THE

MIDNIGHT BUFFET.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE HER

FEEL A LOT BETTER?

A HUNDRED CHAIRS!

[LAUGHTER]

ATTENTION, EVERYONE.

SORRY ABOUT YOUR HEAD TRAUMA.

PLEASE GO BACK TO YOUR

WINDOWLESS CABINS AND CHECK ON

YOUR BABIES.

I'M JUST GLAD THE FOOTAGE DIDN'T

GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP, AND FOR

THAT, WE SAY BON VOYAGE.

TELEVISION.

FINALLY, I SHOWED YOU THIS VIDEO

LAST WEEK AND ASKED YOU TO GUESS

WHAT I WAS REACTING TO.

WELL, HERE ARE YOUR GUESSES.

WAS IT JANE LYNCH WINNING AN

EMMY?

[LAUGHTER]

NO, IT WASN'T, BUT SHE DESERVED

IT.

I AM A HUGE GLEETARD.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT IT WAS RECIO FROM THE BLACK

GUY CLIP OF THE WEEK?

YES, RECIO, THAT WAS YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE OHS]

WERE YOU WATCHING THE JETS AND

THE SLUTTY MEXICAN REPORTER?

>> NO.

I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.

THE JETS CAN'T SCORE ON ANYONE.

[AUDIENCE OHS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GONNA BE A LONG YEAR, SANCHEZ.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WERE WATCHING THE DIFF'RENT

STROKES EPISODE WITH DUDLEY IN

THE BIKE SHOP.

OH!

YOU MEAN THE MOLESTING EPISODE.

NO, I WASN'T, BUT SOLID

REFERENCE.

NO.

WAS IT THE

I CANNOT BELIEVE ANOTHER YEAR'S

ALREADY GONE BY.

RECENTLY, SOME NERDS TOOK THE

WORLD'S LARGEST PHOTO AND PUT IT

ON THE INTERNET.

YOU CAN ZOOM INTO BUILDINGS,

EVEN SEE INSIDE.

THE PROBLEM IS, THE PHOTO'S OF

BUDAPEST, SO I COULDN'T CARE

LESS.

THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO TAKE MY

OWN HUGE PICTURE OF HOLLYWOOD

INSTEAD.

THE BEST PART, IF YOU LOOK

CAREFULLY, YOU'LL FIND ME GOING

ABOUT MY DAY ALL AROUND THE

CITY.

THERE'S ME, BEING DRAGGED BEHIND

A CAR, NAKED.

PRETTY SURE THAT'S A HATE CRIME.

NOT SURE WHY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THERE I AM, TAKING MYSELF TO

POUND TOWN.

I'LL BE HONEST, I'M STILL THE

MOST GENEROUS LOVER I'VE EVER

HAD.

GO TO OUR BLOG AT

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 TO

CHECK OUT THE PHOTO FOR

YOURSELF, AND IF YOU CAN FIND

ALL 52 OF ME, YOU AND YOUR

FAMILY WILL GET TO SPEND

CHRISTMAS

>> WHO'S GOT THE OFFICIAL TIMER?

>> CHOCOLATE.

>> WHO'S GONNA SET THE TIMER?

[OVERLAPPING TALKING]

>> HE WON'T STAND A SECOND.

>> THREE, TWO, ONE.

>> AAH!

GOD!

OKAY!

ALL RIGHT!

STOP NOW!

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT GUY HAD 50,000 VOLTS OF

ELECTRICITY COURSING THROUGH HIS

BOMB-ASS BODY AND IT COULDN'T BE

FUNNIER.

IMAGINE HOW MUCH JOY I COULD

BRING TO THE WORLD IF I FIGURED

OUT A WAY TO TASE THOUSANDS OF

PEOPLE AT ONCE.

BUT DANIEL, THE VOLTAGE FROM A

TASER WON'T TRAVEL FROM PERSON

TO PERSON.

YES, IT WILL, IF YOU GET A LONG

ENOUGH WIRE TO REACH THE LAST

PERSON IN YOUR CHAIN TO COMPLETE

THE CIRCUIT.

♪♪

>> TASED ACROSS AMERICA, SO

CHILDREN IN AFRICA CAN LAUGH.

TASE ME, BRO.

>> AAH!

[BLEEP]!

>> THAT WAS A JOLT IN THE FUR

SPOT.

>> OH, IT WAS SOMETHING

SOMETHING.

>> HARD TO TELL, BUT IT WAS

EXTREMELY PAINFUL --

NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS THE DOZEN

OR SO TEST RUNS I HAD TO DO

AROUND THE OFFICE.

>> READY?

ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> OW!

>> OH, CRAP!

>> OH!

>> AAH!

>> AAH!

>> OH!

>> AAHHH!

>> AAH!

>> AAH!

OW, OW, OW!

>> OH, [BLEEP]!

>> AAH!

>> OH, [BLEEP]!

>> [BLEEP]!

>> AAH!

OH, [BLEEP]!

TURN IT THE [BLEEP] OFF.

>> OH, GOD!

[LAUGHS]

>> AAH!

>> AAH!

[LAUGHS]

>> AH, [BLEEP]!

>> OH!

[LAUGHTER]

>> I WAS USING ELECTRIC FENCE

SET TO GOAT.

I HAVE YET TO FIND ANYONE IN THE

OFFICE WHO WOULD TRY BEAR.

PLEASE DON'T SEND IN ANY VIDEOS

OF YOU OR ANYONE ELECTROCUTING

THEMSELVES, UNLESS YOU'RE

A FEW WEEKS AGO, I SHOWED YOU

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER RUN INTO

A ROOM AND YELL.

YOU WERE TOLD TO MAKE SOME OF

YOUR OWN, AND LO AND BEHOLD, YOU

CAME THROUGH.

>> I HAVE TWO GMAIL ACCOUNTS

UNDER THE SAME NAME.

>> GUYS, GUYS, I JUST HAD THE

WORST DREAM!

ME AND DANIEL TOSH, [BLEEP].

>> HEY, GUYS, I GOT A NEW

JACKET?

>> LET'S NOT TURN THIS RAPE INTO

A MURDER.

>> THIS SUNDAY, MY HOUSE, 8:00,

FREE TAP-DANCING LESSONS, AND

EVERYONE'S INVITED.

>> I LIKE FRAPPUCCINOS.

A LOT.

>> I GET TO BE THE BEE!

>> WHOO!

[AUDIENCE OHS]

>> SOMEONE HAD A FUNNY AIDS ONE,

BUT WE HAD TO CUT IT, BECAUSE

SEBASTIAN.

>> HEY, DANIEL.

HOW'S IT GOING?

>> HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> WHAT DO YOU GOT?

>> KEYS ARE LOCKED IN THE CAR.

>> SEEMS TO HAPPEN TO YOU A LOT.

>> I KNOW.

>> NO, NO.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

I HAVE THE PERFECT THING.

>> YEAH?

>> HOLD ON.

[LAUGHTER]

DID YOU GET YOUR KEYS?

YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO BUFF

THAT OUT.

SEBASTIAN, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> I'M FROM SEATTLE, BUT I'M

WORKING IN MEDFORD, OREGON, AS A

NEWS REPORTER.

>> I WANT TO TELL YOU, THE FIRST

THING THAT I NOTICED WHEN I SAW

YOU, I WAS LIKE, "HOLY COW.

THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE HE'S TEN

YEARS OLD."

>> YEP.

I GET THAT A LOT.

>> HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> I'M 24.

>> YOU'RE 24 YEARS OLD.

>> YEAH.

FRESH OUT OF COLLEGE.

>> SO YOU ARE A NEWSCASTER?

>> YEAH.

I WORK FOR THE CBS AFFILIATE IN

MEDFORD.

IT'S KTVL.

>> WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY?

>> THERE WAS, YOU KNOW, AN

INCREASE ON CAMPUS OF CAR

BREAK-INS, SO I THOUGHT, WHAT

BETTER WAY TO DEMONSTRATE IT

THAN TO DO IT MYSELF, 'CAUSE IT,

YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS SO EASY.

>> RIGHT.

>> YOU JUST WALK UP.

YOU TAKE A HAMMER TO THE WINDOW,

AND IT GOES STRAIGHT THROUGH.

>> HOW MANY TIMES DID IT

ACTUALLY TAKE?

>> EVERY TAKE I DID.

10, 12, 13 TAKES.

>> AND YOU GOT CUT.

DID YOU GET HURT?

>> YOU KNOW, THE ADRENALINE OF

GOING THROUGH, I REALLY DIDN'T

FEEL IT, SO I WENT TO THE E.R.,

AND THEY HAD TO WAIT TILL THE

PLASTIC SURGEON CAME.

>> WHOA!

>> YEAH.

IT WAS 3/4THS OF THE WAY THROUGH

THE TENDON.

UM, AND YOU CAN STILL SEE THE

BUMP THERE.

BUT THE REHAB WAS THE FUNNIEST

PART.

IT WAS LIKE A BOWFLEX ON MY

HAND.

>> ARE YOU RIGHT-HANDED OR

LEFT-HANDED?

>> I'M LEFT-HANDED.

>> OH, MAN.

HOW LONG WERE YOU OUT OF

COMMISSION?

>> I WAS BACK ON MY FEET IN A

COUPLE WEEKS.

>> REALLY?

OR DID YOU SWITCH RIGHTY?

>> I, UH, I MADE DO.

>> FEELS LIKE SOMEONE ELSE IS

DOING IT WHEN YOU USE THE OTHER

HAND, DOESN'T IT?

DID PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOU?

>> YOU KNOW, INITIALLY, I PUT IT

ONLINE JUST FOR MY FRIENDS TO

SEE, MY ROOMMATES, AND I GOT A

LOT OF TEASING.

BUT I THINK IT WAS MORE JUST,

LIKE, BIZARRE THAN ANYTHING

ELSE.

>> YOU KEPT ASKING AFTER YOU'D

HIT IT, "WHAT'S WRONG HERE,

GUYS?"

>> YEAH.

>> DID ANYONE EVER SAY, UH,

"IT'S YOU, YOU PUSSY"?

>> THAT WAS ONE OF THE THEORIES.

>> HAVE YOU EVER USED A HAMMER

BEFORE?

>> YES.

>> WHAT'D YOU HAVE THERE?

WHAT KIND OF HAMMER WAS THAT?

>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

A JUNKYARD HAMMER.

>> YEAH.

YOU GET YOURSELF A STANLEY.

STANLEY'S A GOOD HAMMER.

>> I THINK IT WAS FAULTY GLASS.

THERE'S NO WAY GLASS IS THAT

STRONG.

>> WHAT WOULD BE YOUR DREAM

REPORT TO DO NOW?

>> TO DO NOW --

>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO

AFGHANISTAN?

>> SURE, I'D LOVE TO.

>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO WRESTLE

ANDERSON COOPER IN THE OIL

SPILL?

>> I DON'T THINK I WOULD.

>> DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU STOPPED

SOME CRIME ON THAT CAMPUS

BECAUSE OF YOUR STORY?

>> I THINK PEOPLE LOCK THEIR

DOORS NOW.

>> ARE YOU HUNGRY?

YOU WANT SOME WATERMELON?

>> SURE.

>> I THINK THERE'S A WATERMELON

MACHINE AROUND HERE.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE [BLEEP]ING

KIDDING ME.

COME ON.

NOT TODAY.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHOA!

HEY, HEY!

>> IT TOOK MY MONEY.

>> NO, YOU JUST HAVE TO -- IT'S

JUST STUCK.

YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE IT A -- IF

YOU JUST HIT IT.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE STUCK.

>> HEY!

IT'S SLEDGE-O-MATIC!

[CHEERING]

>> THANKS, GALLAGHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE IS SO ANGRY

AT WATERMELON.

HERE YOU GO.

>> THANKS.

>> CAREFUL.

THERE'S GLASS.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'VE LEARNED FROM THE ABSOLUTE

BEST.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

>> I'M READY.

>> ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.

>> WHAT ARE WE BREAKING?

>> HOW ABOUT A STRETCH HUMMER?

>> IS IT YOURS?

>> OF COURSE IT'S NOT MINE.

BUT ANYBODY THAT'S COMFORTABLE

ENOUGH TO TAKE UP FOUR PARKING

SPACES DESERVES TO HAVE THEIR

WINDOWS BROKE.

NOW, LINE IT UP.

DEEP BREATHS.

BIG SWING.

FOLLOW THROUGH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> THINK OF SOMEONE THAT YOU

HATE.

MAYBE A GIRLFRIEND.

>> YEP.

>> BOYFRIEND.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHATEVER.

>> RIGHT.

[DRUM BEATING]

[CAR ALARM GOES OFF]

>> YES!

GOOD JOB!

>> NICE!

>> FIRST TRY.

>> YES.

>> HEY, THAT'S MY CAR!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

WATERMELONS, NOT CARS!

WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM ME?

JUST WATERMELONS!

HEY, THAT'S STILL MY CAR!

I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP].

I'LL KNOCK YOU DOWN.

>> WE TRIED TO GET GALLAGHER II

FOR

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