July 23, 2009 - Worst Best Man

  • 07/23/2009

Harland Williams starts a deli duel, and the Worst Best Man gets a Web Redemption.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JOSH!

- HEY.

- COME ON BACK, BUDDY.

- HOW YOU DOING?

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M DANIEL.

HAVE A SEAT.

TO NEW BEGINNINGS.

- NEW BEGINNINGS.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

- SEE? I WENT SHORT.

SO YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER CALLS

AND TELLS YOU THAT YOU'RE THE

BEST MAN.

ARE YOU EXCITED?

- NO.

- I DON'T LIKE GIVING SPEECHES

EITHER.

- YEAH, IT'S A HARD THING TO DO.

I MEAN, LAST TIME I GAVE A

SPEECH WAS HIGH SCHOOL, SO.

- HOW'D THAT SPEECH GO?

- WELL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I

PASSED.

- DID YOU PUT ANY ABORTION

MATERIAL IN THAT ONE?

- NO, THAT WAS ABOUT YO-YOS.

I USED TO YO-YO.

- THAT'S GOOD.

HOW IS THE RELATIONSHIP WITH

YOUR BROTHER AND HIS WIFE SINCE

THE WEDDING?

- SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME.

- DID SHE LIKE YOU BEFORE THAT?

- SHE THOUGHT I WAS WEIRD.

- DID YOU ACTUALLY WRITE THE

WORD "ABORTION" DOWN ON--

- I WROTE IT.

EVERYTHING IN THAT SPEECH WAS

VERBATIM.

AND AT THE END WHEN I SAID, "I'M

PROUD OF YOU, I'M PROUD OF YOU,"

I WROTE ALL OF THOSE "I'M

PROUDS," 'CAUSE REPETITION IS

IMPORTANT WHEN YOU GET--

TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS.

- HAVE YOU EVER HAD A

COURT-APPOINTED PSYCHIATRIST?

- NO, NO.

- JOSH, I WANT YOU TO MEET JEFF

ROSS, ONE OF MY FAVORITE

COMEDIANS.

JEFF, DID YOU SEE HIS TOAST?

- I WATCHED IT A FEW TIMES ON

THE INTERNET, AND GREAT JOB,

DUDE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

- OH.

- HOW MANY WEDDINGS HAVE YOU

BEEN TO?

- A LOT ACTUALLY, YEAH.

- HOW MANY--HOW MANY ABORTIONS

HAVE YOU BEEN TO?

- UH...

- [LAUGHS]

- WHEN YOU HAD THAT AWKWARD

MOMENT, IF YOU HAD JUST LIFTED

YOUR GLASS AND SAY, "HEY, FOLKS,

I'M ALSO AVAILABLE FOR

CHILDREN'S PARTIES."

- YEAH, YEAH.

- THEN YOU COULD GET OUT OF IT

THAT WAY.

OTHER THING YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO

IS NOT GO TO THE WEDDING.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA DO

THAT.

I MEAN, I GOT INVITED.

- WHY YOU LOOKING AT THE GROUND

LIKE RAIN MAN?

- I, UH--

- YOU'RE A SPECIAL ED STUDENT.

- YES.

- WITHOUT THE POTENTIAL.

YOU DRESS LIKE A COP ON

MEDICATION.

YEAH, THANKS FOR MATCHING THE

WALLS.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU REALLY HAVE VERY LITTLE

GOING FOR YOU.

THIS IS GONNA BE A LOT OF WORK.

YOU'RE LIKE FRED FLINTSTONE

WITHOUT THE JOB.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE BIT LIKE DREW

CAREY'S ABORTED BABY.

YOU'RE UGLY, EVEN FOR A GUY WHO

WORKS IN A GROCERY STORE.

- NO, YOU GOT--

NO, YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE

RETARDS THEY GOT WORKING THERE.

- EASY, EASY.

I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND ANYBODY.

- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

OH, COME ON, MAN.

- WELL, HAVE A GREAT TRIP--

MIDDLE SEAT, JETBLUE.

- COME ON, THERE'S SOME CHARMING

QUALITIES ABOUT HIM SOMEWHERE,

YES?

- LOOK, OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE LIKE

A SELF-DESTRUCTIVE THING WHEN

YOU'RE UP THERE.

I REALIZE THAT SOME OF THIS HE

CAN'T HELP.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT,

DANIEL?

- SURE.

- SO ONE THING YOU CAN SAY IS

LIKE, "FOLKS, I'M NOT LOSING A

BROTHER, I'M GAINING AN ENTIRE

FAMILY WHO HATES ME."

- YEAH.

- THAT'S PERFECT, BECAUSE THIS

IS SELF-DEPRECATING.

THIS WILL ENDEAR YOU TO THE

AUDIENCE AND YOUR NEW FAMILY.

- RIGHT.

- THAT WAY YOU'RE SORT OF

BRINGING IT ON YOU AND NOT JUST

ON THE BRIDE AND GROOM.

- RIGHT.

- LET'S DRINK TO SECOND CHANCES.

- ALL RIGHT.

- TO SECOND CHANCES.

- ALL RIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU GUYS.

- THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.

- HERE WE ARE.

- YEAH.

YEAH, HERE WE ARE.

- YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY.

- I HAVE.

- I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

GO ON, TAKE THE MIC.

- YES, THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

- LIVE VIA WEB CHAT, YOUR

BROTHER AND SISTER-IN-LAW.

- HELLO.

- YOUR FAMILY.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- I'M READY.

- GOOD LUCK.

- THANK YOU.

- YOU CAN DO THIS.

- THANK YOU.

FIRST TO--

I WOULD BE THE FIRST TO GET A

WOMAN PREGNANT AND FORCE HER TO

GET AN ABORTION--

FORCE HER TO GET AN ABORTION--

GET AN ABORTION.

WELL, HI, EVERYBODY.

I'M JOSH, THE BEST MAN.

TODAY, I'M NOT LOSING A BROTHER.

I'M GAINING AN ENTIRE FAMILY WHO

HATES ME.

NOW WHEN JARED FIRST BROUGHT

HOME AMANDA, I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT

BE TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

BUT THEN I GOT TO KNOW HER, AND

I KNEW SHE WAS TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

I KNOW I'M NOT THE OBVIOUS

CHOICE TO DO THIS SPEECH.

BUT HONESTLY, IT IS THE HONOR OF

MY LIFE TO BE THE BEST MAN AT

YOUR WEDDING.

AS YOUR OLDER BROTHER, YOU'VE

LOOKED UP TO ME YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

BUT TODAY, I LOOK UP TO YOU.

EVERYONE, PLEASE RAISE YOUR

GLASSES AND LET'S TOAST THE

HAPPY COUPLE.

I LOVE YOU BOTH.

- OH!

THAT WAS GREAT.

THAT WAS WONDERFUL.

- THANK YOU.

- WHAT A SPEECH.

I ALMOST SHED A TEAR.

- TWO CLUBS SANDWICHES.

- THANK YOU.

[SOUND OF SWORD UNSHEATHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SOUNDS OF SWORDS

CLANGING]

- [GROANS]

HA HA!

- AHH!

- HA HA!

SCOUNDREL!

- OUR FOOD'S GETTING COLD.

- OH, YEAH.

- WHAT?

- I SAID NO MAYONNAISE.

- OH, THERE'S A HAIR IN THIS.

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, I LIVE

TWEET DURING EVERY SHOW.

AND LAST WEEK I ASKED YOU TO

SEND ME YOUR QUESTIONS.

LET'S GET STARTED.

"WOULD YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH

A ZOMBIE "IF IT WAS A REALLY

HOT, BARELY DECOMPOSED, "AND HAD

ITS MOUTH WIRED SHUT SO IT

COULDN'T INFECT YOU?"

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

UH, IT'S NOT THE ZOMBIE'S MOUTH

I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

"IF THEY CANCEL YOUR SHOW, I'LL

[BLEEP] OUT MY EYEBALLS."

THAT'S NOT A QUESTION.

>> IF YOU COULD KICK ANY PERSON

IN THE BALLS WHO WOULD IT BE?

YOUR MOM.

SOMEBODY'S "GAY-TARDAR" IS

SPOT-ON.

CAN I SELL CASH TO GOLDFISH.COM

FOR PEOPLE?

NO.

"DO YOU LIKE WAFFLE?"

I LIKE PANCAKE.

WHY ISN'T YOUR SHOW GOOD?

THE WRITING, THE HOST, THE

AUDIENCE ISN'T SMART ENOUGH.

WE HAVE LAZY PRODUCTION

ASSISTANTS.

OUR LEAD-INS ARE OLD RERUNS OF

ANOTHER NETWORK'S SHOW.

BUT WE ARE TENT-POLLING.

I LEARNED THAT TERM.

I GUESS MY JOKES COULD BE

BETTER, BUT I'M NOT WILLING TO

PUT THE WORK IN.

PLUS COMEDY CENTRAL WON'T PUT

ENOUGH MONEY INTO THE BITS WE

DO, SO THE PRODUCTION VALUE

SUCKS.

AND FINALLY, IT'S [BLEEP]

IMPOSSIBLE TO CLEAR A LOT OF THE

CLIPS THAT WE WANT TO PUT ON

AIR.

NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE FAIR USED,

YOU KNOW?

WAS THAT OVER 140 CHARACTERS?

[EXHALES]

[APPLAUSE]

- "WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED SHOWING

VOMITING "IN EACH EPISODE?

IT ADDS A LOT OF CHARACTER TO

THE SHOW."

- [RETCHING]

[AUDIENCE OOHS]

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

"WHY IS JOHN CUSACK SO AMAZING?"

[BLEEP] YOU.

"DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH THE SEX

DOLL FROM TONIGHT'S SODE?"

DON'T CALL IT A "SODE," YOU

ASS[BLEEP].

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHS]

OH, CROSS YOUR FINGERS.

HOPE YOURS MADE IT.

TO SEE MORE OF YOUR QUESTIONS

ANSWERED, GO TO OUR WEBSITE,

COMEDYCENTRAL.COM

- TWO CLUBS SANDWICHES.

- THANK YOU.

[SOUND OF SWORD UNSHEATHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SOUNDS OF SWORDS

CLANGING]

- [GROANS]

HA HA!

- AHH!

- HA HA!

SCOUNDREL!

- OUR FOOD'S GETTING COLD.

- OH, YEAH.

- WHAT?

- I SAID NO MAYONNAISE.

- OH, THERE'S A HAIR IN THIS.

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