November 1, 2011 - Face Bumper Smash

  • 11/01/2011

The Bumper Face Kid gets a Web Redemption, and Pricasso paints portraits with his junk.

HITS LIKE THOSE PUSSIES IN

METALLICA.

ALL RIGHT, SOMETIMES THE .N'

WORD CAN BE ADORABLE.

THAT WAS HIS FIRST WORD.

HIS SECOND WAS "ROLL TIDE."

NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

THEY MUST HAVE PLAYED A LOT OF

BIGGIE IN THE WOMB.

HIS BEST FRIEND IS BLACK SO IT'S

OKAY.

THAT IS THE ONE DARNDEST THING

COSBY WOULDN'T LIKE.

MAYBE HE JUST SAID IT TO TAKE

THE POWER AWAY FROM THE WORD.

OKAY, IN FAIRNESS, "AFRICAN

AMERICAN" IS JUST TOO HARD FOR A

BABY TO PRONOUNCE.

ALL

DATE RAPE.

TIME FOR A LITTLE SKANK-ON-STANK

ACTION.

YOU'RE AS DRUNK AS A SKUNK.

DRUNK AS A SKUNK AND WE SHOT A

DEAD SKUNK.

>> KISS HIM.

>> NO NO.

LOOK AT HIS MOUTH.

EW, IT'S WET.

HER CLEAVAGE IS ALMOST ENOUGH TO

OVERCOME THE FACT THAT SHE'S

MAKING OUT WITH A ROTTING

CARCASS.

REALLY PUTTING THAT HPV VACCINE

TO THE TEST.

EW, IT'S WET.

AH, PEPE LE PEW FINALLY GETS A

CHICK AND HE ISN'T ALIVE TO

ENJOY IT.

WHO AM I TO JUDGE?

EVERYONE MOURNS IN THEIR OWN

WAY.

I'M DRUNK AS A SKUNK.

OH MAN.

OH, IT'S SO WET.

>> HAVE SOME RESPECT.

THIS IS MY SON.

>> THIS IS WHAT HE WANTED.

THE ULTIMATE HOT BOTS.

>> OH.

THAT WAS WET.

IT'S WEIRD THAT THE GUY FROM

BIRMINGHAM ALWAYS WANT

THAT'S PRICASSO AND,

STROKE-FOR-STROKE, HE'S MY

FAVORITE PENIS PAINTER IN THE

WORLD.

BUT I WANTED TO GET TO THE ROOT

OF THIS GUYS TALENT.

SO, LIVE VIA SKYPE, ALL THE WAY

FROM AUSTRALIA, PLEASE WELCOME

PRICASSO.

GOOD DAY.

IT'S GREAT TO BE ON YOUR SHOW.

SORRY MY AUDIENCE DIDN'T CLAP.

THEY'RE ASSHOLES.

I HAVE THAT SAME OUTFIT.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT YOUR

PARENTS WOULD NAME YOU PRICASSO

AND YOU'D TURN OUT TO BE AN

ARTIST WHO PAINTS WITH HIS WANG?

VERY, VERY SLIM I RECKON.

HEY, WHAT MAKES THE BEST BRUSH

-- FLACCID, SEMI-CHUB, OR FULLY

AROUSED?

A FLACCID BRUSH IS DEFINITELY

PREFERABLE BECAUSE YOU CAN BEND

IT, STRETCH IT, SQUASH IT.

AND YOU'RE NOT WORRYING ABOUT

WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING AS

WELL.

YOU KNOW?

OR AT LEAST I DON'T.

IF I GET AN ERECTION I ALWAYS

GET A LITTLE BIT EMBARRASSED, I

MUST SAY.

I KNOW THE FEELING.

ALWAYS TRYING TO HIDE MY BONER

AROUND HERE.

HEY, IS IT THE SIZE OF THE BRUSH

OR THE MOTION OF THE STROKES?

UM, IT'S THE MOTION OF THE

STROKES, REALLY.

YEAH, A NORMAL AVERAGE SIZED

PENIS IS PROBABLY THE BEST.

THAT'S WHAT I TRY TO CONVINCE

EVERY GIRL OF.

HEY, DO THE BALLS COME INTO PLAY

AT ALL?

YEAH, I PAINT WITH MY TESTICLES.

YOU JUST GRAB HOLD OF THE WHOLE

LOT AND STRETCH .EM OUT.

YOU ABSORB A LOT OF PAINT ON THE

TESTICLES.

YOU JUST FLAP THEM AROUND, YOU

KNOW, LIKE THAT.

YEAH, I'M FLAPPING MINE AROUND

RIGHT NOW.

CAN YOU HEAR THAT?

HEY, IS IT DANGEROUS TO PLUG UP

YOUR PEE HOLE WITH PAINT?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT DOESN'T REALLY.

IT ONLY GOES UP, YOU KNOW, A

LITTLE BIT IN THERE AND THEN YOU

JUST FLUSH IT OUT.

DRINK A LOT.

YOU COULD ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE

SUCK IT OUT LIKE A SNAKE BITE.

DO YOU EVER GROW YOUR PUBES OUT

AND USE THEM TO ADD TEXTURE TO

YOUR WORK?

NO, I HAVEN'T HAD ANY PUBES FOR

LIKE SEVEN YEARS NOW, SO

I'VE GOT A BLANK CANVAS MYSELF,

SINCE '92.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER BEING MY

PERSONAL MAKEUP ARTIST?

I HAVE PAINTED ACTUALLY PEOPLE'S

FACES BEFORE, YEAH.

AH, GIRLS HATE IT WHEN YOU PAINT

IN THEIR HAIR.

I UNDERSTAND YOU PAINTED A

PORTRAIT OF ME, MAY I SEE IT?

YEP.

I PAINTED IT THIS MORNING WHEN

YOU RANG UP.

OH WOW.

THAT MIGHT BE YOUR MASTERPIECE,

PRICASSO.

HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO

PAINT THAT?

TAKES ABOUT 15 MINUTES TO PAINT

ONE.

YOU KNOW, I DID THE HAIR THERE

WITH MY TESTICLES.

AND THESE WERE MY BUTT CHEEKS.

THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

WERE YOU ABLE TO STAY FLACCID

WHILE YOU WERE PAINTING MY

PORTRAIT?

UH, YES, I DEFINITELY WAS.

YEAH UM NO, NO, IT WAS QUITE

EASY.

I'M PRETTY WELL CONTROLLED.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US

PRICASSO.

WELL, THANK YOU, DANIEL, ISN'T

IT?

YES, EVEN THE JEWISH HOLIDAYS.

MY FAVORITE VIDEO ON THE

INTERNET RIGHT NOW IS OF QADDAFI

GETTING CAPTURED BY THE LIBYAN

REBELS.

OOH, THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD

AROUND THE COLLAR.

YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO NEED

TWO TIDE STICKS TO GET THAT OUT.

THAT'S MORE THAN I THOUGHT WE

WERE GONNA GET TO SHOW.

BUT WHAT REALLY MAKES IT SPECIAL

IS THE PART

WHERE ONE OF 'EM TAKES OUT A

UTILITY KNIFE AND REPEATEDLY

JAMS IT UP QADDAFI'S ASS.

IF THEY CAN DO THAT TO A WORLD

LEADER, I MIGHT AS WELL DO IT TO

THE PEOPLE WHO WORK ON MY SHOW,

IN A NEW SEGMENT CALLED

QADDAFI'D.

EVERYBODY IN THE WRITER'S ROOM.

G

GADDAFI.

>> GADDAFI.

>> I JUST GOT GADDAFIED.

GADDAFI.

GADDAFI.

GADDAFI.

GADDAFI.

AH, ONE OF THOSE FELT SO RIGHT.

A BIG THANKS TO QADAFFI FOR

DYING SO WE COULD DO THAT BIT.

WHAT'S NEXT?

OOH, THAT IS THE QUICKEST WAY TO

TRIM YOUR MUSTACHE.

LET ME YOU SHOW YOU SOMETHING!

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN

ALL RIGHT, THAT HAS GOT TO BE A

RECORD TURNOUT FOR A FIRE SAFETY

DEMONSTRATION.

MORE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING THIS

THAN EVER WATCHED RESCUE ME.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR FIREMAN?

EXTRA CRISPY, I HOPE.

TODAY PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST

DAY TO GO HEAVY ON THE

AFTERSHAVE.

THIS IS DEFINITELY GOING TO KEEP

HIM OUT OF NEXT YEAR'S SEXY

FIREMAN CALENDAR.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT BURNING ALIVE

THAT MAKES YOU FORGET ALL YOUR

TRAINING?

AND YOU GET SOME FIRE!

AND YOU GET SOME FIRE!

NOBODY WANTS TO SPEND A MONTH IN

THE BURN WARD ALONE.

HE'S LIKE GODDAMN MARIO WITH

THOSE FIREBALLS.

I HOPE FOR HIS SAKE HE GETS AN

EXTRA LIFE.

THIS IS TURNING INTO TEXAS A&M

ALL OVER AGAIN.

I'M JUST GLAD ONCE THOSE

OH MY GOD.

OH!

SO THAT'S WHAT CHILD SAFETY

LOCKS ARE FOR.

DOES TRIPLE A TOW TO THE

HOSPITAL?

THAT'S MATT AND HE'S ONE OF THE

FEW PEOPLE WHO CAN SAY HE GOT

HIT BY A PARKED CAR.

BUT WHETHER OR NOT IT KILLED HIM

IS ONE OF THE GREAT UNSOLVED

MYSTERIES OF THE INTERNET.

NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES CAN BE

VERY TRAUMATIC.

LIKE ONCE THERE WAS THIS KID WHO

GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT AND

COULDN'T COME TO SCHOOL, BUT

WHEN HE FINALLY CAME BACK, HIS

HAIR HAD TURNED FROM BLACK INTO

BRIGHT WHITE.

(SINGS) MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM.

A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE IS THE

LORD PLAYING CATCH AND RELEASE

WITH YOUR SOUL.

ANYTIME I KNOW I'LL BE TAKING

RISKS, I BRING ALONG MY HEBREW

FRIEND; BECAUSE IF WE DO DIE, WE

CAN SETTLE THIS JESUS THING ONCE

AND FOR ALL.

ONE THING'S FOR SURE, THERE'S NO

LIGHT AND NO LONG TUNNEL.

THAT'S JUST YOUR BRAIN SHUTTING

DOWN AND YOUR EYES SWITCHING

OFF.

I'VE NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT

MYSELF, BUT I DO DIE A LITTLE

BIT EVERY TIME I HEAR SOMEONE

SAY

RICKY GERVAIS IS A FUNNY

STANDUP COMEDIAN.

DOES THAT COUNT?

SHIA LABEOUF MADE THE MISTAKE OF

THINKING MOVIE FIGHTING WAS THE

SAME AS REAL PEOPLE FIGHTING.

HE DIDN'T DIE, BUT HE DID HAVE

TO RETURN TO THE HELL OF BEING

SHIA LABEOUF.

NO ONE HAS MORE NEAR DEATH

EXPERIENCES THAN GIRLS.

I ALMOST DIED WHEN SHE WALKED IN

WEARING THE SAME DRESS."

I HOPE YOU BOTH DIE SO I NEVER

HAVE TO PRETEND TO CARE AGAIN.

PEOPLE DON'T DO ANYTHING GOOD

WITH THEIR SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE

ANYHOW.

2PAC LIVED AFTER HE GOT SHOT 6

TIMES, AND CELEBRATED BY GETTING

SHOT 6 MORE TIMES.

MATT WAS JUST LEANING OUT OF A

CAR BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF

STUPID STUFF KIDS DO.

SO LET'S FIND OUT IF BEING

DUMBER THAN A GOLDEN RETRIEVER

COST HIM HIS LIFE IN THIS WEEK'S

WEB REDEMPTION.

>> WELCOME TO TOSH.OPRAH.

>> REACH UNDER YOUR SEAT

EVERYBODY IN STUDIO BEYOND IS

GOING HOME WITH CHEWED GUM

AND/OR BOOGERS.

>> AND THE NEXT VIDEO IS YOUNG

MAN IN AN AWFUL ACCIDENT.

I HAVE TO WARN YOU IT'S GRAPHIC

AND A LITTLE FUNNY.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

OH MY --

>> SADLY IT'S OBVIOUS FROM

WATCHING THAT HE DIED A HORRIBLE

DEATH.

AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE

TO GIVE HIS FANS CLOSURE.

BUT [BLEEP] IF HIS PARENTS

DIDN'T CALL ME AND TELL ME HIS

-- HE IS STILL ALIVE.

>> BUMPER FACE.

HAVE A SEAT.

MAKE EYE CONTACT.

MAKE EYE CONTACT.

MATT, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

BEING HERE TODAY.

>> I KNOW IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT.

TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHAT

HAPPENED THAT DAY.

>> WE WERE DRIVING AROUND.

WE SEEN ANDY ON HIS BIKE.

I SAID TURN RIGHT HERE, AND I'M

GOING TO SMACK HIM ON THE CAR.

IF I HOLD ON TO THE CAR HARD

ENOUGH, AND SMACK HIM GOING 35 I

HAVE THE STRENGTH TO GET BACK IN

THE CAR.

>> 35 MILES PER HOUR THAT WAS

THE SPEED YOU WERE GOING.

>> RIGHT.

>> THAT'S PRETTY INTENSE.

IN THE VIDEO YOU'LL HEAR A

KNOCK.

IT'S WHERE WE DO HIT ANDY'S BIKE

WITH THE CAR.

>> OH MY DASH

>> INSTEAD OF A BUMPER I HIT THE

HEADLIGHT OF THE CAR.

>> WITH YOUR FACE.

>> RIGHT.

>> WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR

HEAD

>> SMACK ANDY.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO

SAY THAT CAR.

>> WHAT DID YOUR FRIENDS DO.

THEY PICK UP MY TEETH FROM THE

GROUND.

>> HOW SCARED [BLEEP]LESS WERE

THEY.

>> I IMAGINE THEY WERE DIFFERENT

FOR THEM.

>> RIGHT YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUS.

>> THEY GOT TO WATCH ME DIE.

>> DID THEY CALL AN AMBULANCE.

IT TAKES 45 MINUTES TO GET THE

AMBULANCE THERE.

>> THE PUDDLE OF BLOOD FROM CURB

TO CURB.

FROM CURB TO CURB.

>> YES.

>> THAT'S JUST POOR DRAINAGE

THOUGH.

>> WERE YOU CONSCIOUS THE WHOLE

TIME

>> I CAME BACK AT ONE POINT.

THEY SET ME AFTER I CAME TO.

>> MY WHOLE HAND WAS FULL OF

BLOOD.

LIKE DARK RED.

I BLACKED RIGHT BACK OUT

>> THEN WHAT HAPPENED.

MY FOUR FRONT TEETH WERE OUT OF

THE MOUTH.

>> AND IT SHATTERED MY NOSE.

THEN AFTER I HIT I CAME BACK

DOWN CRACKED MY SKULL IN THREE

PLACES.

>> HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN THIS

HAPPENED.

>> 15.

>> YOU REALLY SHOULD BE DEAD

>> DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA.

>> YEAH.

>> HOW IRONIC THAT YOUR KARMA

WAS A CAR.

WHO'S INSURANCE COVERS THAT.

>> THE DRIVER.

THE DRIVER OF THE CAR.

>> THE DRIVER OF THE CAR I WAS

IN.

>> THEY DID NOT COVER IT.

AFTER I OPENLY ADMITTED TO

OPENING UP THE CAR.

>> WE'RE NOT COVERING THAT.

>> WHAT'S THE DEDUCTIBLE ON YOUR

FACE.

>> OH HOLY [BLEEP].

>> DID YOU GET CHARGED THE

DAMAGE OF THE CAR.

>> THE DRIVER HAD TO PAY FOR THE

DAMAGE OF THE HEADLIGHT.

>> I THINK IF SOME KID'S FACE

SMASHED MY CAR JUST THE

HEADLIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

GOING TO PAY FOR THAT.

IF YOUR PARENTS GROUND YOU.

>> I WAS SENT TO MY

GRANDMOTHER'S IN ST. LOUIS.

THEY GOT RID OF YOU.

>> YEAH.

>> I WISH I WAS REAL OPRAH.

>> AS LONG AS SHE KICKED YOU OUT

WHEN YOU WERE 15, YOU KNOW THOSE

MEANINGLESS YEARS.

DID YOU CALL SHOTGUN THAT DAY.

>> NO.

>> THAT'S THE LESSON YOU LEARNED

FROM THIS.

CALL SHOTGUN KIDS.

SINCE THE ACCIDENT EIGHT YEARS

AGO NO ONE HAS SEEN YOUR FACE.

ARE YOU RELED'S TO TAKE OFF THE

BANDAGES MATT.

THING IS ITCHY. TO TAKE OFF THE

BANDAGES MATT.

E TO TAKE OFF THE

BANDAGES MATT.

A TO TAKE OFF THE

BANDAGES MATT.

D TO TAKE OFF THE

BANDAGES MATT.

Y TO TAKE OFF THE

BANDAGES MATT.

YEAH, THIS THING IS ITCHY.

OH MY GOODNESS.

YOU LOOK AMAZING.

>> THANK YOU.

>> WE AT TOSH.0 ARE ABOUT MAKING

DREAMS COME TRUE.

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT.

>> LET'S GO [BLEEP] YOUR FRIEND

UP?

>> MATT GO AHEAD.

>> THIS IS MY FRIEND GAIL.

>> PUT THIS ON.

YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT.

>> IS THAT HIM.

THAT'S ANDY RIGHT THERE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

HIT HIM.

>>

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