June 7, 2011 - Bug in Mouth Reporter

  • 06/07/2011

The Bug in Mouth Reporter gets a Web Redemption, and women mess up simple instructions.

- WHAT REALLY HAPPENEDON THAT THURSDAY

HERE AT AUGUSTA HIGH SCHOOLTHAT LEAD TO CHRIS WOODS' DEATH?

[gagging]WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

SHIT![spitting]

I'M DYING IN THIS FUCKINGCOUNTRY-ASS, FUCKED UP TOWN.

[laughter]

SHIT FLYINGIN MY MOUTH.

DAMN, FUCK.I CAN'T SEE.

POLLEN.

LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF THISCOUNTRY MOTHERFUCKER.

I CAN'T EVEN SEE WHERE--

[sniffing]

[laughter]

- YOU CAN TAKE THE REPORTEROUT OF THE HOOD,

BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BECAUSETHAT'S WHERE ALL THE CRIME IS.

THAT'S FOX'S OWNISIAH CAREY.

AND HE'S NOT A WHITE GUY.HE JUST PLAYS ONE ON TV.

WHEN A BUGFLEW INTO HIS MOUTH,

HE INSTANTLYFLIPPED THE SWITCH

FROM WILL SMITHTO LIL WAYNE.

THE NEWS IS FOR OLD PEOPLE

WHO DON'T KNOWHOW TO USE THE INTERNET.

SPORTS, WEATHER,ENTERTAINMENT--

THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT.

THE ONLY THING THE INTERNETDIDN'T RUIN WAS MY CAREER.

I JUMPED ABOARD THAT TRAINAND RODE IT ALL THE WAY

TO VERIFIED STATUSON TWITTER.

PEOPLE SAY THAT KATIE COURICLEFT CBS

BECAUSE SHE WAS GETTINGLOW RATINGS.

I CAN'T BELIEVESHE GOT ANY RATINGS.

SHE TALKS ABOUT CRAP I SAWON THE HUFFINGTON POST

EIGHT HOURS AGO.

THE NETWORK SHOULDJUST GIVE UP

AND PUT ON A RERUNOF SEINFELD

OR SYNDICATE TOSH.0.

[laughter]

YEAH.I'M JUST SAYING.

I LOVE WATCHING FOX NEWS.

I KNOW THEY'RE NOTFAIR AND BALANCED,

BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE THE SENSETO EMPLOY RACIST NUTCASES

WHO SCREAM ENTERTAINING THINGSABOUT OBAMA AND MUSLIMS.

PLUS, THEY GIVE MEA CHANCE TO LAUGH

AT THOSE TEA PARTY HICKS.

IN A RELATED STORY,

REPORTERS ARE NOTAS SMART AS YOU THINK.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDINGIN FRONT OF SOMETHING

DOESN'T MAKE YOUA EXPERT ON IT.

THERE ARE GUYS STANDING IN FRONTOF THE HOME DEPOT ALL DAY,

AND THE ONLY THINGTHEY'RE EXPERTS ON

IS SNEAKING INTO AMERICA.

THE ONE REPORTER I RESPECT ISANDERSON COOPER, THE SILVER FOX.

WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

HE SAVES HAITIAN CHILDREN.

I HAVE AN ASIAN BOYLIVING IN MY POOL HOUSE.

AND HERE IN L.A.,NO NIGHT IS COMPLETE

WITHOUT A LITTLELAUREN SANCHEZ.

SHE PRESENTS THE BESTPAIR OF HEADLINES

IN THE BUSINESS.

BIG, FAKE,SLUTTY HEADLINES.

BEING A SUCCESSFUL JOURNALISTIS HARD ENOUGH

WITHOUT BUGS JUMPINGDOWN YOUR THROAT

AND TURNING YOUINTO A JIVE TURKEY.

THAT'S WHY I RESCUED ISIAHFROM THAT COUNTRY-ASS TOWN

AND BROUGHT HIM TO THE BIG CITYFOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

- HOW ARE YOU, SIR?- GOOD, ISIAH.

HAVE A SEAT.- GOOD TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME

OUT IN THIS GOD-FORSAKENCOUNTRY-ASS PLACE.

I'VE GOTA BEEKEEPER MASK ON.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKEANY CHANCES.

I HAVE ONE FOR YOU.- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE,

BUT I'M GONNAHAVE TO SAY NO.

- WHEN AND WHEREWAS THAT VIDEO SHOT?

- IN ARKANSAS.LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS.

JUST NORTH OF LITTLE ROCK,ARKANSAS, BACK IN 1996.

- AND WHAT HAPPENEDTHAT DAY?

- I WAS OUTDOING A STORY ABOUT,

I THINK A HIGH SCHOOL KIDWHO MAY OF BEEN KILLED,

AND THIS GRASSHOPPER JUST JUMPSOUT OF NOWHERE IN MY MOUTH.

- DID YOU EATTHE GRASSHOPPER?

- NO, I DIDN'T.SPIT IT OUT IMMEDIATELY.

- DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU MIGHTHAVE A FORM OF TOURETTE'S?

- I'M DYING IN THIS FUCKINGCOUNTRY-ASS, FUCKED UP TOWN.

- [laughs]I DOUBT IT.

- WAS THAT LIVE?- NO, IT WASN'T LIVE.

IT WAS ON TAPE.

- DO YOU HAVEANY OTHER PERSONALITIES

HIDING INSIDE YOU?

- THAT'S ME LOSING CONTROL.LOSING COMPOSURE.

- IS THERE ANYTHINGI CAN DO

TO GET YOU TO LOSE CONTROL?

- I'M SURE THERE IS.

[both laugh]

- DO YOU HATE ITWHEN PEOPLE SAY

THAT YOU'RE "ACTING WHITE"?

- I'VE NEVER HEARD IT.I'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED THAT.

- PROBABLY 'CAUSE THEY KNOWWHAT HAPPENS.

YOU LOSE YOUR COOL.- [laughs]

- YOUR CAMERAMAN SEEMED TO BEENJOYING IT VERY MUCH.

- THEY TELL PHOTOGRAPHERS,"NEVER STOP ROLLING,"

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVEA MOMENT, EVEN AT MY EXPENSE.

- WERE YOU UPSET WITH HIM?- NOT REALLY, NOT REALLY.

YOU KNOW,WHEN IT FIRST HAPPENED,

WE ALL LAUGHED AT IT,

AND THEN ITSORT OF DISAPPEARED

AND IT REEMERGED AGAIN.

- THANKS TO THE INTERNET.- EXACTLY.

AND I WASN'T TOO HAPPY THEN.

- YOU WERE UPSETTHAT IT CAME OUT?

- WELL, WHO WANTS TO BE ON TVCURSING LIKE A SAILOR?

- ME.

- THAT'S YOUR THING.- I LOVE IT.

THERE SHOULD BE A NEWS CHANNELTHAT ALLOWS YOU TO SWEAR.

- I DON'T KNOW HOW I'DFEEL ABOUT THAT.

- YOU SAY THAT, BUT SOMETIMESTHE WORD FUCK

WILL DRIVE A POINT HOME.

DO YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLELOVED IT SO MUCH?

- YOU SEE REPORTERSAS ROBOTS,

AND IN THISPARTICULAR INSTANCE,

YOU GET TO SEE A REAL REPORTERACT A FOOL.

- DO YOUFEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE

THAT HAVE TO LIVEIN THAT COUNTRY-ASS PLACE?

- HEY, THAT'S A WONDERFUL TOWN.- [laughs]

- THAT WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.- DO YOU RIDE AROUND IN A VAN?

- MAINLY SUVs.- DOES YOUR HAVE RIMS?

- NO. IS IT THATBLACK REPORTER THING AGAIN?

- NO, I THOUGHT IT WOULD GIVEYOU A LITTLE MORE STREET CRED.

- WE KEEP IT GANGSTER.- THAT'S ALL I WAS THINKING.

DO YOU READ WHAT PEOPLE HAVEWRITTEN ON THE INTERNET?

- NO.- IT'S MOSTLY FLATTERING STUFF.

- OKAY, OKAY.I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

- IS THERE ANY OTHER THINGSTHAT HAVE GOTTEN INTO YOUR MOUTH

THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE?

- [laughs]

NO, JUST THE GRASSHOPPER.THAT'S IT.

- WOULD YOU CONSIDERWHAT THAT GRASSHOPPER DID

TO BE A HATE CRIME?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?ABSOLUTELY.

WHERE IS THE NAACPWHEN I NEED THEM?

- CAN'T A BROTHERJUST DO A REPORT?

ALL RIGHT, WE'D LIKE YOU TO DOA NEWSCAST FOR OUR SHOW.

- UH-HUH.

- WE'LL JUST HAVE YOUWAIT IN THE GREEN ROOM

AND I'LLSET EVERYTHING UP.

- ALL RIGHT,I'M GAME FOR IT.

- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE DOINGA LITTLE SOCIAL EXPERIMENT.

LET'S SEND IN CHARLIE,THE WHITE GUY.

- HELLO, MR. CAREY.- HOW ARE YOU, SIR?

- I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

DO YOU NEED ANYTHINGWHILE YOU'RE WAITING?

- NO, I'M FINE.I'M FINE.

THANK YOU. APPRECIATE IT.- GREAT. ALL RIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT.

- THAT'S ABOUTWHAT I THOUGHT.

LET'S SEND IN DWAYNE,THE BLACK GUY.

- YO, FRIEND, WHAT'S GOOD?- WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- YO, GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?YEAH, YEAH.

YOU STRAIGHT?- YEAH.

- ISIAH, YOU ARE BUSTED.- WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WE HAVE A TWO-WAY MIRROROUT THERE.

I WATCHED YOU.CHARLIE COMES IN.

"HI, NICE TO MEET YOU,CHARLIE. RARR RARR RARR."

DWAYNE COMES IN."WHAT'S UP, FAM?"

THERE'S TWO OF YOU.YOU NEED TO EMBRACE IT.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW IFTHE WHITE YOU AND THE BLACK YOU

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE ITANOTHER SHOT?

- WE'LL TRY.

[music playing]

WELCOME TO KTOSH.0EVENING NEWS.

HERE ARE YOUR TOP STORIES.

RESIDENTS OF NORTH CAROLINAARE BRACING

FOR YET ANOTHERDEVASTATING HURRICANE.

IN A RELATED STORY,

NORTH CAROLINA'S ABOUT TO HAVESOME SALES ON FLAT SCREENS.

YOU HEARD ME.100% OFF, BEEYATCH.

- WATCH THE LANGUAGE.

- IN POLITICAL NEWS,PRESIDENT OBAMA ANNOUNCED

THAT HE WOULD CUT TAXES FORTHE RICHEST 1% OF AMERICANS.

MUST OF BEEN HIS WHITE HALF.

A BROTHER WOULD NEVER DOTHAT [bleep].

TWO POLICE OFFICERSCAUGHT ON TAPE

BEATINGAN AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUSPECT

WERE FOUND NOT GUILTY TODAY.

AND A NEW STUDYJUST RELEASED BY ME

SHOWS THAT AMERICAIS STILL RACIST.

[bleep] THE POLICE.

KELSEY GRAMMER RECENTLYTIED THE KNOT

FOR THE FOURTH TIME.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT A SINGLEBLACK PERSON AT THE WEDDING.

JUST LIKE THERE WASN'TA SINGLE BLACK PERSON

ON CHEERS OR FRAZIER.

GEORGE CLOONEYAND ANGELINA JOLIE

WENT ON ANOTHERHUMANITARIAN MISSION

TO WAR-TORN SOMALIA.

IN REAL ENTERTAINMENT NEWS,

NEW EDITION IS BACKIN THE HIZZY, YO.

AND FASHION WEEK JUST KICKED OFFIN NEW YORK CITY.

MAN, NOBODY CARES ABOUT THEMSKINNY WHITE SKANKS.

BUT BEYONCE UP THERE.

WELL,THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.

FOR ISIAH CAREY,I'M ISIAH CAREY.

MAY YOU HAVEA PLEASANT TOMORROW.

PEACE OUT.STAYED TUNED.

TYLER PERRY'S MEET THE BROWNS,

MY FAVORITE SHOW,COMING UP NEXT.

- THAT'S IT.I'M DONE. I QUIT.

- I ASSUME YOU HAVE DINNERRESERVATIONS IN THE PROJECTS

WITH YOUR BABY MAMATHIS EVENING.

YEAH, HAVE FUNAT THE FARMERS' MARKET,

YOU TINY-[bleep],MOTHER[bleep].

[laughter]

[applause]

TOWER ON ICE.

ITOUR ON ICE.

YOUR COLLEGE SUBMISSIONS ARE

GETTING BETTER.

CHECK OUT THIS ENTRY FROM KANSAS

STATE

♪ KANSAS STATE

[LAUGHING]

>> JUST TRY TO STOP ME FROM

THIS NEXT VIDEOLOOKS DELICIOUS.

[audience ohs]

SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOURMISCARRIAGE. I GOT YOU A CAKE.

[laughter]

NOW LET'S PUT20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTSWE CAN MAKE.

THEIR HEADS ARE STILL SOFTAT THAT AGE.

[audience ohs]

NO THANKS,I'M TRYING TO EAT LESS BABY.

[laughter]

I TAKE MY BABY A LA MODE.

I PREFERTHE TASTE OF CHOCOLATE BABY.

THANKS ROE V. WADE.

[laughter]

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEENA DEAD BABY AND A CAKE?

audience: WHAT?

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAITFOR A SPECIAL OCCASION

TO EAT A DEAD BABY.

[laughter]

THAT'S JUST LIKEOUR OFFICE.

WE HAVE TO BRING INBAKED GOODS

FOR EVERY STUPID THINGTHAT HAPPENS.

JOCELYN, I SAW THAT YOUPOSTED ON FACEBOOK

THAT YOU HAD AN ABORTION,SO I MADE YOU CUPCAKES.

THEY'RE ABORTED FETUSES.

- THAT'S SO SWEET.

IT'S TOO BAD I'M NOT EATINGFOR TWO ANYMORE, RIGHT?

- OH, JUST ENJOY 'EMBEFORE YOU BURN IN HELL.

[laughter]

PLEASE RETURN THE PAN.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEENA DEAD BABY AND A PORSCHE?

audience: WHAT?

- I DON'T HAVE A PORSCHE IN MYGARAGE. ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEENMY GRANDMA AND A NEWBORN BABY?

audience: WHAT?

- [long bleep]

[laughter]

- [speaking Japanese]

[ominous music]

- [screaming]

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

- [speaking Japanese]

- I DON'T KNOW WHATI'M WATCHING, BUT I LOVE IT.

IT'S ONE OF THOSE AWESOMEJAPANESE GAME SHOWS.

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE COOL,EDGY GAME SHOWS LIKE THAT?

IN THIS COUNTRY, WE'RE STUCKWITH MINUTE TO WIN IT,

HOSTED BY SOME LINE COOKFROM T.G.I. FRIDAY'S.

YOU DESERVE BETTER,AMERICA.

- HEY, DANIEL.- WHAT?

- I'M A KNIFE.- WHAT'D YOU SAY?

- I'M A BANANA.- YOU'RE WHAT?

- ♪ KNIFE OR BANANA, KNIFEOR BANANA, KNIFE OR BANANA ♪

♪ WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE?YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ KNIFE OR BANANA, KNIFEOR BANANA, KNIFE OR BANANA ♪

♪ WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE?YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE?

♪ YEAH, YEAH

♪ WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE? WHAT?

- WELCOME BACK TO AMERICA'SNUMBER ONE GAME SHOW,

KNIFE OR BANANA.

THAT'S THE GAMEWHERE I TAKE A KNIFE

AND A BANANAAND PUT THEM BEHIND MY BACK.

WHICHEVER ONE YOU CHOOSEI WILL STAB INTO YOUR CHEST.

WE HAVE A VERY SPECIALCELEBRITY EPISODE

OF KNIFE OR BANANA TODAY.

PLEASE WELCOME SUPERMODELKATE UPTON.

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT, KATE, ARE YOU READYTO PLAY KNIFE OR BANANA?

- YES.

- WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE?

[suspenseful music]

[laughter]

- THAT ONE.

- IS THAT YOUR FINAL CHOICE?

- NO. THAT ONE.

[laughter]

- AND THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY KNIFE OR BANANA.

FOR KATE UPTON,I'M DANIEL TOSH.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

- THAT IS A SHARP BANANA.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

- ♪ KNIFE OR BANANA, KNIFEOR BANANA, KNIFE OR BANANA ♪

- AH, YOU EVER BEEN STOOD UPBY AN 18-YEAR-OLD?

QUITE A BLOW TO THE EGO.

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THATTHEME SONG FOR KNIFE OR BANANA

WAS FROM OURPAST VIEWER VIDEO WINNER.

A FEW WEEKS AGO I SHOWED YOUSTUFF THAT

YOU NEVERWANT TO HEAR GIRLS SAY

AND ASKED OUR FEMALE VIEWERSTO SEND IN VIDEOS OF STUFF

YOU NEVERWANT TO HEAR GUYS SAY.

AND AS EXPECTED, YOU LADIESCOMPLETELY SCREWED IT UP.

THE IDEA WAS FOR YOU TO SHOOTGUYS SAYING THESE THINGS.

INSTEAD, YOU PUTYOURSELVES IN THERE

BECAUSEIT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.

HERE ARE THE BEST TEN SECONDSI COULD SALVAGE

FROM THE PILES OFSHIT YOU SENT IN.

- YOU KNOW, "GIRLFRIEND,"IT'S SUCH A CONFUSING TERM.

- WELL, YOUR BUTT'SNOT ON YOUR PERIOD.

- CHOKE ME.

- YOU'RE A WHORE.YOUR FINGERS ARE FAT.

I WANT TO KILL YOU.

[laughter]

- SURPRISED NO GUY TOLD HERHER TANK'S ON BACKWARDS.

ALL RIGHT, LESSON LEARNED.

I'LL NEVER ASK YOU WOMENTO DO ANYTHING AGAIN.

BY THE WAY,HER FINGERS WERE FAT.

[laughter]

- OH! HEY, HEY, HEY,HEY, HEY, HEY.

- COME ON, COME ON.

- HEY, BATMAN.

- BATMAN'S THE MAN!

[overlapping chatter]

BATMAN!CAN'T DO THAT, MAN!

- BATMAN AIN'T SAVINGTHE WORLD.

- WHAT HAPPENS IN GOTHAMSTAYS IN GOTHAM.

I DON'T KNOW WHICHBATMAN MOVIE THIS IS,

I'M JUST GLADMAGGIE GYLLENHAAL'S NOT IN IT.

LET'S PUT THE BAT SIGNALIN THIS WEEK'S...

[imitating Batman TV theme]

♪ BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA-BRA ♪

BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS.THE ECONOMY IS HURTING EVERYONE.

EVEN BRUCE WAYNEHAD TO TAKE A JOB

HANDING OUT TITTY BAR COUPONSON THE STRIP.

UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE THERE'S SOMETROUBLE IN SIN CITY.

AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING

ABOUT JEFF DUNHAM'SUPCOMING APPEARANCE.

WE'RE ABOUT TO WATCH BATMANFACE HIS TOUGHEST FOE YET--

A LIQUORED-UP CHOLO.

[laughter]

- JUST SUCK MYMOTHERFUCKING DICK.

- BATMAN JUST TOLD HIM TO SUCKHIS MOTHERFUCKING DICK.

THAT'S DEFINITELYCHRISTIAN BALE.

[laughter]

THAT GUY'S GOT A TEMPER.

RIDDLE ME THIS.

WHERE IS BOY WONDERWHEN YOU NEED HIM?

PROBABLY AT TAO, MAKING OUT WITHONE OF THE HOT MALE BARTENDERS

THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

[laughter]

HOLY BITCH SLAP.

YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTERTHAN TO PICK A FIGHT

WITH THE DARK KNIGHT.

THAT'S HOW HEATH LEDGERDIED.

[audience ohs]

- SOMEBODY BREAK IT UP.

- UH-OH.[audience ohs]

THE IRONY.

A SPINE INJURYWAS THE SAME THING

THAT PARALYZED SUPERMAN.

[audience ohs]

THIS IS WHY NO ONE IN THE UFCFIGHTS WITH A CAPE.

SURE IT LOOKS AMAZING,BUT IT'S REALLY RESTRICTIVE.

[audience ohs]

SO HARD WHEN YOU REALIZEYOUR HERO IS ONLY A HUMAN

AND MOST LIKELY HOMELESS.

OH, HE'S WOBBLY.

BUT THAT MIGHT JUST BEBECAUSE HE'S DRUNK.

WE'RE JUST GLADTHAT CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

DIDN'T MAKE THIS CLIPTHREE HOURS TOO LONG.

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

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