November 5, 2009 - Trampled Cheerleader

  • 11/05/2009

Nazis play frisbee, Daniel answers celebrity tweets, and Trampled Cheerleader gets a Web Redemption.

- CALI.

OH, HO HO!

RUN THROUGH.

- AAH!

- TELL ME ABOUTTHAT INFAMOUS NIGHT.

- UH, IT WAS HOMECOMING NIGHT.

AND OUR CHEER TEAMWAS HOLDING UP THE BANNER

FOR THE RUN THROUGH.

THERE WASN'T ANY HOLES.

LIKE, USUALLY,WHEN YOU MAKE A SIGN,

YOU LIKE RIP HOLES IN ITAND STUFF,

SO THAT WHENTHEY RUN THROUGH,

IT'S EASIER, LIKE,TO BREAK.

- GOT IT.AND IT WAS NOT?

- SO IT RIPS EASIER.NO, AND SO--

- SO WERE YOU PERFORATINGAT THE LAST MINUTE?

- I WAS PERFORATINGAT THE LAST MINUTE, YES.

- THAT SEEMS LIKEAN AWFUL IDEA.

YOU DO KNOWTHAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS

- YEAH.- YEAH.

- SO THEY HAD NO CLUEYOU WERE THERE.

- BUT THEY WEREN'TSUPPOSED TO COME OUT YET.

THEY WERE--THEY WEREPREMATURE ON THEIR--

- TYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL KIDS.

- RIGHT.

[both laughing]

- WAS THE DANCE THAT NIGHT?

- IT WAS THE NEXT NIGHT.

- DID YOU HAVE SEX?

- [laughs] I'M NOT GONNAANSWER THAT QUESTION.

- I DID NOT HAVE SEX.- YOU DIDN'T?

- BECAUSE I SIGNED A PAPER

PROMISING MY COMMUNITY

THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE SEX.

BUT I HAD MY LAWYER PUTA REVISION IN THE CONTRACT

THAT I COULD[bleep] BLAST SOMEONE.

- OH, MY GOD.

- HUH?

- DID YOU EVER GOTO THE INNER CITY

TO STEAL CHEERSFROM THE BLACK SCHOOLS?

- [laughing]

WE WERE THE BLACK SCHOOL.

- OHH!

YOU GUYS WERE THE ONES

THAT WERE DOINGALL THE SLUTTY STUFF

AND SHAKING YOUR ASSES.

- DUH.

- WHAT DID CHEERLEADINGTEACH YOU ABOUT LIFE?

- NOTHIN'.

- ALL RIGHT, LET ME FINISHPAINTING THIS AWFUL THING,

AND WE'LL GET OUTON THE FIELD.

GET YOU PROPERLY TRAINED

TO RELIVETHAT MAGICAL MOMENT.

[blows whistle]

HE-HEY!HOW ARE YOU?

WE GOTTA WORKON YOUR ABILITY

TO DODGE PEOPLE

AND MAYBE PUTA HURTIN' ON THEM.

STEP TO THE SIDE, TAKE 'EM DOWNLIKE THAT--CLOTHESLINE.

- OKAY.- ALL RIGHT?

THEY'RE COMING AT YOU.

BOOT TO FACE.

OKAY, THAT'S HOGAN'S.

COME ON, CALI!COME ON, CALI!

COME ON!

LET'S GO, SALLY.- I DON'T...

- REALLY?

[whistle blows]TWO.

[whistle blows]THREE.

WORK ON VISUALIZATION.

- I'M GONNA VISUALIZE.

- VISUALIZE YOURSELFNOT GETTING TRAMPLED.

CAN YOU DO THIS WITH GUM?

- [laughing] PROBABLY.

- [sighs]

WHAT'S THE FIVE-SECONDRULE ON THAT?

LET'S GO.LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

LET'S GO,LET'S GET CHANGED.

A LITTLE HUSTLE OUT OF YOU.

THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TRAMPLEDIN THE FIRST PLACE.

OKAY, CALI,THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READYTO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- I'M READY.

- YAY!- OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

- OH, WAIT!- WAIT, CALI!

[sound slowed]NOOOO!

[crowd cheering]

[suspenseful music]

[sound slowed]CALI, NOOO!

NOOOO!

WE HAVE TO INTERRUPT TOSH.0

FOR SOME BREAKING NEWSFROM CANADA.

LET'S GO LIVE.

- ALL RIGHT, SO I'VE GOTMY TRUSTY STOPWATCH,

AND HERE THEY COMEDOWN THE HILL.

IT LOOKS LIKE RUBEN IS INTHE LEAD, AND HERE COMES AL--

[audience groans]

- OHH, I'D WATCH NASCAR

IF THE ANNOUNCERS WOULDCALL IT FROM THE TRACK.

LET'S LEARN HOW A SLED ALMOSTTURNED THIS DAN RATHER WANNABE

INTO A SNOW ANGELIN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

OH! POOR ROB LETH.

JUST A YOUNG CANADIAN REPORTER

WEARING A GIANTGOOSE DOWN PARKA.

THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF DANGEROUSASSIGNMENT HE COULD GET--

THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN,

THE DRUG CARTELSIN MEXICO,

FIGURING OUT WHAT THAT CRAP ISON SEAL'S FACE.

[laughter and groans]

BUT INSTEAD,HE DOES A PUFF PIECE

ABOUT AN INNER TUBE RACE.

WHY? BECAUSE THE PUBLICHAS A RIGHT TO KNOW.

- ALL RIGHT, SO I'VE GOTMY TRUSTY STOPWATCH,

AND HERE THEY COMEDOWN THE HILL.

- STARTS OUT LIKE ANY OTHERNEWS DAY IN CANADA--

SLOW.

I JUST WANT TO KNOWHOW ROB'S

GONNA USEHIS TRUSTY STOPWATCH

WITH MITTENS ON.

- IT LOOKS LIKE RUBENIS IN THE LEAD,

AND HERE COMES AL--

- RUBEN IS CLOSING IN QUICK.

MOVE, BITCH.GET OUT THE WAY.

GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH.GET OUT THE WAY.

THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT FAKEKOBE BRYANT COMMERCIAL.

OH, MAN.

HEY, KOBE, NEXT TIME,TRY IT OVER A BUS.

THAT'S PULLING AN RV.

THAT'S CONNECTEDTO A WOOD CHIPPER.

[laughter and applause]

ALL RIGHT, BACK TO THE VIDEO.

OH! HE DROPS THE STOPWATCH.

OH, NO, NOW WE'RENEVER GONNA FIND OUT

IF RUBENHAS THE COURSE RECORD.

BUT HE DID PULL OFFTHE BACKSIDE RODEO FLIP.

GOOD THING THEY HAVEFREE HEALTH CARE IN CANADA.

SHOW IT AGAIN.

UNH!

AT LEAST THE FLIP PUT ROB'S HOODON HIS HEAD FOR HIM.

IT'S PROBABLYHIS DEAD MOTHER SAYING,

"BUNDLE UP, SON.I STILL LOVE YOU."

THOSE WERE BUTTERFLY KISSES.

ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE TIME,

JUST IN CASE ROB IS WATCHINGFROM HIS WHEELCHAIR.

CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY.

ANDERSON COOPER'SBEEN SEARCHING HIS WHOLE CAREER

FOR A STORY WHERE GETSNAILED BY A YOUNG MAN.

WAS THAT BELOW THE WAIST?

- THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

- WRONG, THATWAS A GREAT IDEA.

- AT RIVERSIDE PARK,ROB LETH, GLOBAL NEWS.

- AND, LIKEANY TRUE PROFESSIONAL,

ROB MANAGED TO FIGHT THROUGHTHE INTERNAL BLEEDING

LONG ENOUGH TO SIGN OFF,

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

FOR REAL OR FAKE!

[laughter]

THAT'S WHERE WE TAKEA VIDEO FROM THE INTERNET

AND TELL YOU IF WHAT HAPPENSIN IT IS REAL...

audience: OR FAKE!

- THAT'S RIGHT,YOU DIP-[bleep].

IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

LET'S LOOKAT TODAY'S CONTENDER.

[water bubbling]

- UNH! OH!

- HOLY [bleep]!

[audience groaning]

[Daniel chuckles]

- THIS ISN'T REAL.

WE ALL KNOW WOMENDON'T POO.

BUT I HAVE A LONGER VERSION

THAT WILL PROVIDE EVERYONEWITH ALL THE ANSWERS.

- HOLY [bleep]!

- OH. WHERE'S EVERYBODYHEADED?

OH, MY GOODNESS!

OH, YEAH, THAT'S HOT.

HOT!

OH, GOOD ONE.IT'S FAKE.

O'BRIEN, GET IN HERE.

IT'S FAKE.IT'S NOT REAL.

IT'S HOT, THOUGH.WHEW! REAL HOT.

WHOO, MAN. OH.

AH! OH!

[laughing]

- STOP! STOP!I'M REALLY GONNA [bleep].

I'M GONNA [bleep]!- OH! OH!

[audience groansand laughs]

- MY BAD.

- WAS THAT THE LEAD SINGEROF RADIOHEAD?

THOM YORKE, WHO KIND OFLOOKS LIKE HIM?

IF YOU WERE BLOWN AWAY

BY THOSE SPECIAL EFFECTSFROM THE BIT,

YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOWWE STOLE THE GRAPHIC DESIGNER

FROM JAMES CAMERON'S AVATAR.

MONEY WELL SPENT.[chuckles]

WEED IS AGAINST THE LAW.

BUT GETTING PISS DRUNKAND WALKING INTO A 7-11

IS COMPLETELY LEGAL.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?OHH.

IT'S SO FUNNY WHENDAVID HASSELHOFF GETS DRUNK

BECAUSE WE ALL KNOWNO ONE'S AT RISK

BECAUSE KITTCAN DRIVE HIMSELF.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S PUT20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTSWE CAN POST.

OBVIOUSLY, HE HAS A HISTORYOF BAD DECISIONS,

STARTING WITH HIS PONY TAIL.

A COUPLE APPLETINISDOES THE EXACT SAME THING TO ME.

HE'S NOT THAT DRUNK.

HE JUST WALKED RIGHT PAST THOSEGAS STATION HOT DOGS.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S GETTINGHIS ASS KICKED BY A GHOST.

PATRICK SWAYZE.

[audience groans]

NO, NO, BUT PATRICK SWAYZEFROM ROADHOUSE.

[laughter]

MAYBE HE GOT A FLU SHOT

AND HIS BODY'SREACTING BADLY TO IT.

[drumbeat]

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT VIDEO?GO TO YOUTUBE.

CHECK IT OUT.

DYSTONIA? UGH.HOT CHICK? THANKS.

GUESS WHO'S NEVER GETTINGA FLU SHOT AGAIN.

ME! OR ANYONE I DATE.

WALK BACKWARDS.

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