February 1, 2011 - National Anthem Fail Girl

  • 02/01/2011

Daniel makes Super Bowl XLV predictions, and National Anthem Fail Girl gets a Web Redemption.

MISS YOU, DAD.

- HEY, DANIEL.- HEY, NATALIE.

JUST TAKING MY FLAG DOWNFOR THE NIGHT.

WOULD YOU HELP ME FOLD IT?- SURE.

- COME ON, TIGHT.NICE AND EVEN.

NOW IN, OVER.THERE YOU GO.

THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU GO--YOU TAKE YOUR TIME.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, SORRY.- YOU DON'T GO FAST.

YOU RUSH,YOU MAKE MISTAKES.

- OKAY.- OKAY?

YOU OF ALL PEOPLESHOULD KNOW THAT.

- I'M SO BAD AT THIS.

I DON'T--THIS FLAGIS NOT VERY--

- YEAH,IT'S THE FLAG'S FAULT.

OKAY, NOW FOLD IT IN HALF.

- LIKE THIS?- YES.

THEN DO CORNER TO CORNER.

PERFECT!

HAS ANYBODY EVER TOLD YOUTHAT YOU LOOK LIKE JODIE FOSTER

FROM TAXI DRIVER?

[laughter]

- YES.

- HOW LONG AGO WASTHAT NATIONAL ANTHEM?

- UM, LET'S SEE.I WAS 13.

SO, LIKE,EIGHT YEARS AGO.

- WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY?

- I WAS VERY SICK.

I-I HAD BEEN SICKFOR, LIKE, WEEKS.

AND MY PARENTS, THEY TOLD ME,"YOU CAN STAY HOME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT."

AND THE WORDSWENT OUT THE DOOR

AND THEN I HADNO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

LUCKILY,THE COACH WALKED OVER

AND HELPED MEFINISH THE SONG.

- I'D LIKE TO GOON RECORD AS SAYING,

I THOUGHT MO CHEEKSWAS AN ASSHOLE.

- WHY?

- I THINK HE REALLY TRIEDTO STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT FROM YOU.

- NO.

- WHAT WAS YOUR GAME PLANHAD HE NOT COME OUT?

- I WAS PROBABLYJUST GONNA START OVER.

- START OVER?- YEAH.

- OH, JUST TORTUREPEOPLE LONGER?

- I KNOW.IT WAS THE WORST.

- DOES MO CHEEKSSTILL CALL YOU?

- NO. BUT I'VE SEEN HIMOVER THE YEARS, SO--

- ARE YOU GUYS DATING?

- NO.

- DID YOU EVER HAVE A CRUSHON HIM, LIKE, AS A CHILD EVEN?

- UH, HE'S MORELIKE A FATHER FIGURE.

- HMM. A BLACK FATHER.- [laughs]

- DID THEY WIN THAT GAMETHAT NIGHT?

- NO.

- WHO WERE THEY PLAYING?- THE MAVERICKS.

- HMM.THE DALLAS MAVERICKS.

- YES.- DIRK NOWITZKI.

- HE GAVE ME A HIGH FIVE.- DID HE REALLY?

- YEAH.- AFTER MESSING IT UP?

- YEAH.- THAT'S 'CAUSE HE'S GERMAN.

- OKAY.- HE'S A NAZI.

AND HE'S GLAD THAT YOUSHIT ON AMERICA.

THAT'S WHY HE GAVE YOUA HIGH FIVE.

DID YOU STAY TO WATCHTHE GAME THAT NIGHT?

- NO.- YOU ARE A SHITTY FAN.

- [laughs]I WENT RIGHT HOME.

- DID YOU THINKYOUR MUSIC CAREER WAS OVER?

- I THOUGHT THAT I COULD NEVERGET UP AND PERFORM AGAIN.

- SO YOU HAVE PERFORMEDSINCE THEN?

- OH, MULTIPLE TIMES,YEAH.

- AW, I WOULD HAVELOVED TO KNOW

THAT WAS THE LAST TIMEYOU EVER SANG.

- WHAT?

WE'RE GONNA GO AHEAD

AND SAY THATYOU'VE NEVER SANG AGAIN.

- OKAY, WHATEVER.

- THE PROBLEM ISN'TTHAT YOU CAN SING.

THE PROBLEM IS,YOU FORGOT THE WORDS.

SO I THOUGHTA PERFECT WARM-UP

WOULD BE TO HAVE YOU SING ATMY REGULAR TUESDAY NIGHT GAME.

- ALL RIGHT.

- GOOD EVENING,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND WELCOME TO MY GARAGE

FOR TOSH'STUESDAY COCKFIGHTS AT 10:00.

TONIGHT, WE HAVEA SPECIAL GUEST WITH US,

SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEMOF MEXICO.

PLEASE WELCOMENATALIE GILBERT.

- UM, I DON'T KNOWTHE MEXICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM.

- I'LL--I'LL HELP YOU.

[lively music]

♪ UPSIDE, INSIDE OUT

♪ LIVING LA VIDA LOCA

THAT'S GOOD.ALL RIGHT.

LET THE COCKFIGHT BEGIN!

[rooster clucking]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,PLEASE WELCOME

YOUR ANAHEIM DUCKS!

- ALL RIGHT, NATALIE.

I REALLY CARRIED YOUAT THAT COCKFIGHT.

SO I BROUGHT YOU TO A PLACEWITH WAY LESS PRESSURE,

AN NHL HOCKEY GAME.

YEAH, NO ONE'S WATCHINGTHESE THINGS.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READY TOGIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- I SURE AM.- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IF YOU BLOW IT,I'LL BE CLOSE BY.

- OKAY.- YOU LOOK GREAT IN THAT JERSEY.

WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?

- 10- 10? MINE'S POINT 0. GET IT?

- ♪ AT THE STAR'S LAST

♪ STAR'S

- AND NOW,AS WE HONOR AMERICA,

WOULD YOU PLEASE JOINNATALIE GILBERT

IN THE SINGINGOF OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM?

- ♪ OH, SAY, CAN YOU SEE

♪ BY THE DAWN'SEARLY LIGHT ♪

♪ WHAT SO PROUDLYWE HAILED ♪

♪ AT THE TWILIGHT'SLAST GLEAMING ♪

♪ WHOSE BROAD STRIPESAND BRIGHT STARS ♪

♪ THROUGHTHE PERILOUS FIGHT ♪

♪ O'ER THE RAMPARTSWE WATCHED ♪

♪ WERE SO GALLANTLYSTREAMING ♪

♪ AND THE ROCKET'SRED GLARE ♪

♪ THE BOMBSBURSTING IN AIR ♪

♪ GAVE PROOFTHROUGH THE NIGHT ♪

♪ THAT OUR FLAGWAS STILL THERE ♪

♪ OH SAY DOES THAT

♪ STAR-SPANGLED BANNER

♪ YET WAVE

♪ O'ER THE LANDOF THE FREE ♪

♪ AND THE HOMEOF THE BRAVE ♪

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU, NATALIE.

AND THANK YOU,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

- GO, DUCKS!

WHOO!

- OUR TWO-HANDEDGREAT SWORD

IS THE BIGGEST SWORDWE MAKE.

- A BIG SWORD LIKE THIS

CAN MAKE IT LOOK EASYTO MAKE THAT DIFFICULT CUT.

[rock music]

- FUCK YEAH!

YOU'RE TELLING ME THATPORK SWORD WILL POP A BALLOON?

[laughter]

AMAZING.

ONE OF THE GREAT PARTSOF HAVING A SHOW

IS WHEN I SEE A VIDEOTHAT AWESOME, I JUST SCREAM,

"GET ME THAT DAMN SWORD,"

AND THREE DAYS LATER,THIS HAPPENS.

[rock music]

- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

- BECAUSE APPARENTLYGOD HATES YOU.

- DANIEL!

- OW!

- OH...

- WHAT?

- I WAS JOKING.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D ACTUALLYCUT YOUR SON IN HALF.

- OH, ALL RIGHT.THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

OH, MAN.

I KILLED MY KID.

GOD.SUCH A PRANKSTER.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SWORDS WERENOT MEANT FOR CHOPPING WOOD.

YEAH.

I ALMOST KILLED TWO OF OURCAMERAMEN WHEN THE HANDLE BROKE.

[audience ohs]

- GAME OVER.

[laughter]

- WAY TO REACT.

- HE DOESN'T REALIZEHOW UNLUCKY HE WAS.

IF THAT SWORDWOULD HAVE HIT HIM,

HE WOULD HAVE MADESO MUCH MONEY.

PACKERS VERSUSTHE STEELERS.

WE ACTUALLY HAVEA HIGHLY ADVANCED,

STATE-OF-THE-ART COMPUTER

THAT CAN PREDICTTHE OUTCOME OF SUPER BOWL 45

WITH 100% ACCURACY.

SO TURN THE CHANNELRIGHT NOW

IF YOU DON'TWANT TO KNOW WHO WINS.

ALL RIGHT.DALLAS STADIUM LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

THE PACKERS WENT UPEARLY AND OFTEN.

HERE'S DON MAJKOWSKITHROWING TO STERLING SHARPE

FOR ONE OFTHEIR SIX TOUCHDOWNS.

THE HALFTIME SHOWWITH THE BLACK EYED PEAS

WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.

DID FERGIEGET SOME WORK DONE?

SHE LOOKS AMAZING.

AND THE ROUTE CONTINUEDIN THE SECOND HALF.

BUBBY BRISTERTHREW THREE INTERCEPTIONS,

AND THEN KEITH WOODSIDEZIGZAGGED PAST GREG LLOYD

FOR ANOTHER SCORE.

HAS TO BE THE GREATEST RUNSIN SUPER BOWL HISTORY.

SORRY, STEELER FANS,I CAN NOW GUARANTEE

THAT THE PACKERSWILL WIN 49-6.

I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE

THE BEST THINGABOUT THIS YEAR'S SUPER BOWL

IS THAT THE JETSAREN'T IN IT.

THE JETS ARE A LOTLIKE THE YANKEES.

EVERYONE HATES THEM, ONLY THEYDON'T HAVE GOOD PLAYERS,

A WINNING TRADITION,OR A COACH WHO DOESN'T BEAT OFF

EVERY TIME A PLAYERGETS THEIR ANKLE TAPED.

[laughter]

WE'LL TRY TO DO BETTERNEXT TIME.

NICE SPORTS BRA.

[laughter]

- [groans]

- HOW DO YOU SCORE THAT?

[laughter]

SO THIS ISWHAT CHUBBY PEOPLE DO

WHILE WE'RE OUT ON DATESWITH WOMEN?

[laughter]

CAN YOU IMAGINE

IF THEY WOULD HAVE ROLLED A BALLOFF DER STUKA?

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

[ball rolling]

[laughter]

[applause]

STILL A LITTLE SORE.

[laughter]

FROM COMEDY MOVIES

IS A GUY WHO RECREATESENTIRE SCENES FROM THEM.

- [laughs]

I'M STREAKING ON THE QUAD!

[thud]

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

- HE DID HAVE NEXT.

LET'S TAKE AN IN-DEPTH LOOK

AT THE 100TH NAKED MANTO APPEAR ON TOSH.0

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[applause]

JUST ANOTHER QUIET NIGHTAT DEL BOCA VISTA, PHASE TWO.

THAT IS, UNTIL TODD WATCHED OLD SCHOOL FOR THE 50TH TIME

AND DECIDED TO GO STREAKING,

THE MOST ACCEPTABLE WAY TO SHOWYOUR WIENER TO STRANGERS.

YOU NEVER SEE BLACK GUYSDOING IT.

PROBABLY BECAUSE STREAKINGIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY,

AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNYABOUT A BLACK MAN

RUNNING NAKED TOWARDS YOU

WITH HIS GIANT SHLONGBOUNCING AROUND.

IT'S ALWAYS EITHER SCARYOR EROTIC.

BUT USUALLY SCARY.

[laughter]

AH, THIS PARTICULAR PERVERTIS A LITTLE MODEST,

SO HE GOES WITHTHE ONE-HAND SACK BASKET.

MAYBE HE'S WORRIEDABOUT DICKLASH.

- I'M STREAKINGON THE QUAD!

- OH.NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE.

EVER SINCE MONICA SELESGOT SHANKED,

COURTS HAVE BEEN PUTTING UPINVISIBLE FORCEFIELDS.

[laughter]

LUCKILY IT DIDN'T BREAK.

THERE'S NOTHING WORSETHAN HAVING TO PICK OUT

SHARDS OF GLASSFROM YOUR SCROTUM.

I SHOULD KNOW.

I WAS IN A LITTLE WEB SHORTCALLED ONE GUY, ONE JAR.

[audience ohs]

DO WE HAVE THAT VIDEO?

I'M TOLD WE ARE NOT ALLOWEDTO PLAY THAT.

[laughter]

- [wheezy laughter]

- LISTEN TOHIS BUDDY'S LAUGH.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO CHECK HIMFOR TUBERCULOSIS IMMEDIATELY.

[laughter]

AND THEN,LIKE A DRUNK, NAKED BATMAN,

THE STREAKER DISAPPEARSINTO THE NIGHT,

LEAVING ONLY A GREASYMEDIUM-SIZED DONG PRINT BEHIND,

AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

[audience ohs]

AND NOW I HAVE TO GETA BIRD FLU SHOT.

THANKS, ASIA.

THE EARLY BIRDGETS THE GERMS.

TRY THAT SHITWITH A HAWK, PUSSY.

[laughter]

SOMETHING TELLS MEWHEN THE CAMERA'S NOT ON,

HE PUTS A COUPLE WORMSIN HIS B-HOLE.

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

THAT'S TOO FAR FOR HIM?

OKAY.

ACTUALLY, HE'S JUSTBEING A GOOD HOST.

I DO THE SAME THINGAT MY SUPER BOWL PARTIES.

[audience ohs]

- OH, TRY THIS.

- THERE'S ALWAYSA BIG FIGHT

- GOOD JOB. LET'S GO AHEADAND KEEP MOVING.

WE'RE GONNA LUNGETO THE SIDE FOR ONE.

[laughs]

ONE, SQUEEZE YOUR ABS.

[laughs]

- A CACKLE A DAYKEEPS THE CANKLES AWAY.

[laughter]

AS OPPOSED TO CURVES,WHERE EVERY WOMAN IS CRYING.

[laughter]

THAT'S WHY SNL FANSARE SO FAT.

[laughter]

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL I WANTIN A GIRLFRIEND.

LAUGH AND SQUAT.

[laughter]

THERE WAS NO LAUGHINGON KIANA'S FLEX APPEAL.

[silence]

HMM.

SHOULD HAVE GONEWITH THE GRIND.

[laughter]

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