October 1, 2013 - Carnival Life Savings

  • 10/01/2013

A contractor makes some poor decisions, and Parachuting Ron has a few accidents.

SAVE YOUR STRENGTH MOHAMMED.

I'M SURE WE HAVE A DRONE IN THEAREA.

AMERICA.

KNOCKING DOWN BUILDINGS IS THEIRNATIONAL PASTTIME.

LET ME GUESS YOU'REGOING REPLACE IT WITH

ANOTHER TAN-COLOREDPILE OF RUBBLE?

TYPICAL CONTRACTOR.

HE SAID IT WOULD TAKE EIGHT HITSAND IT TOOK 11.

THANKS FOR NOTHING ANGIE'S LIST.

HE'S ALIVE.

I'M SURE HE'LL DIE LATER THISAFTERNOON.

IN TODAY'S HOUSING MARKETIF STAGED PROPERLY

THEY'RE STILL GOING TOGET MULTIPLE OFFERS.

I KNOW WERE LOOK FOR AVACATION HOME IN MAUI BUT

I'M SURE IT WILLTAKE A FEW BOXES.

>> WE WERE WANTING BEACH FRONT.

>> THERE'S NO OCEAN VIEW BUTTHERE IS SAND.

TONS AND TONS OF SAND.

IT'S ALSO MOSQUE ADJACENTAND WALKING DISTANCE

TO THE GAZA STRIP >>ARE THERE LANDLINES?

>> YES, THERE ARE.

>> IS IT A TWO BEDROOM, TWOBATH?

>> NO, IT'S A ZERO BEDROOM, ZEROBATH BUT OPEN CONCEPT.

>> WE LOVE OWN CONCEPT.

>> DOES IT HAVE TWO SINKS?BECAUSE WE CAN'T SHARE SINKS.

>> THERE'S NO RUNNING WATER BUTALL OF THIS'LL BE YOUR CLOSET.

>> OKAY.

DON'T NO WHY YOU'RE GOING TO PUTYOUR CLOTHES.

[LAUGHTER]

SADLY THEY WERE BOTHBEHEADED BY INSURGENTS

WHILE IN ESCROW

BUT IT'S BACK ON THE MARKET.

[CHEERING]>> YES!

OH, MY GOD!

RON!

>> Tosh: IS RON THE SKYDIVER ORSOME GUY WITH HIS HAND DOWN HER

PANTS?

>> YES!

YES!

YES!

>> Tosh: PLEASE LAND ON HERHEAD, RON.

>> EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX, FIVE, FOUR--

>> Tosh: RON SHOULD HAVE DONEMORE OF THAT PULL THE STRINGS

TO FLOAT SLOWER THING.

>> AND WE SAY THANK YOU, RON.

>> Tosh: I WISH IT WAS HIS ONLYVIDEO BUT RON'S A LITTLE

ACCIDENT PRONE.

HERE'S RON DRIVING THE KIDS ONA FIELD TRIP.

>> RON!

RON!

>> Tosh: EVEN WHEN RON'SRELAXING ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

>> NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX,FIVE, FOUR -- THANK YOU, RON.

>> Tosh: IF I KNOW RON HE'SFINE.

[LAUGHTER]>> Tosh: WHO DAT?

WHO DAT?

LET'S FIND OUT IN THIS WEEK'SBREAKDOWN.

FORE!

IF YOU WATCHED THE SHOW BEFOREYOU'RE RIGHT TO BE NERVOUS.

HERE'S A COUPLE OF DRUNK GUYS ONTHEIR PLANTATION.

SOMEHOW THIS VIDEO SHOULD LEADTO SEAN PEYTON BEING SUSPENDED

FOR ANOTHER YEAR.

THIS IS THE WHITEST WAY YOU CANKILL SOMEONE.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THEPRACTICE STROKES.

YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO LOSE HISBUZZ AND CHANGE HIS MIND.

NICE SWING, BARKLEY.

PRETTY SURE IT'S A RULESVIOLATION BUT SINCE IT ISN'T

TIGER NO WIN WILL CALL IT IN.

CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN INSWINGVISION?

YEAH, THE PROBLEM IS HE SUCKS ATGOLF.

>> GODDAMNIT.

[ SCREAMING ]>> Tosh: DON'T PULL THAT OUT.

IT WILL GIVE YOUR BLOW JOB EXTRAPOP DURING RUSH WEEK.

>> DUDE.

>> Tosh: IT'S A HOLE IN TONGUE.

DON'T FORGET TO REPLACE THEDIVET.

THANKFULLY HE LIVES IN NEWORLEANS SO IT WILL NOT AFFECT

THE WAY HE TALKS.

[LAUGHTER]>> Tosh: NEXT TIME AIM FOR THE

JAW SO WE NEVER HAVE TO HEARTHAT LAUGH AGAIN.

DID HE JUST SPIT BLOOD ON HISDOG?

HURRICANE SEASON CANNOT COMESOON ENOUGH BUT IF ELIN TAUGHT

US ANYTHING IS YOU CAN SMASHSOMEONE IN THE FACE AND STILL

SAY IT'S THEIR FAULT.

FOR THAT, THANK YOU.

>> HENRY GRIBBON SAID HE LOSTHIS LIFE'S SAVING, $2600 ON

CARNIVAL GAME AND ALL HE HAS ISTHIS STUFFED BANANA WITH

GRIDLOCKS.

HE WANTED TO WIN AN XBOX AND

SAID IT WAS EASY BUT SOMETHINGCHANGED WHEN HE STARTED PLAYING

FOR THE PRIZE.

>> FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE IHAPPENED TO BECOME THAT SUCKER.

>> Tosh: IS THAT AN AUTHENTICRASTA BANANA?

TIME TO UPDATE YOUR LIVING WILL.

THAT'S HENRY AND HE WEARS THATWIFE-BEATER LIKE HE MEANS IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S MORE SADTHAT HE LOST HIS LIFE'S SAVINGS

OR IT TOOK HIM A LIFETIME TOSAVE $2600.

MAYBE LESS TIME AT THE STATEFAIR AND MORE AT THE CAREER

FAIR.

CARNIVAL GAMES ARE THE SPECIALOLYMPICS OF THE GAMBLING WORLD.

NEXT TIME YOU WANT A GAME OFCHANCE, EAT AT A WAFFLE HOUSE.

GUYS ONLY PLAY THEM TO IMPRESSTHEIR GIRLFRIENDS.

ANOTHER WAY WOULD BE NOT TAKINGHER TO THE [BLEEP]ING CARNIVAL.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND WANTS TO YOUWIN A PINK STUFFED FROG THEN

SHE'S 11 AND YOU SHOULD NOT BEHAVING SEX WITH HER IN PUBLIC.

AND WHAT'S SO THRILLING ABOUT AFERRIS WHEEL.

IT'S FUN, LET'S RIDE THEELEVATOR NEXT.

NOTHING'S LESS SAFE THAN A RIDETHAT GETS UNFOLDED ABOUT AN

ALCOHOLIC GYPSY.

I DON'T TRUST ANYTHING HELDTOGETHER BY A SPELL.

CARNIVALS EVEN GOT RID OF FREAKSHOWS BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT AS

DISTURBING AS WATCHING A FAMILYOF HUMAN HIPPOS DEEP FLOATING

STICKS OF BUTTER IN 100 DEGREEHEAT BUT THERE'S A SUCKER BORN

EVERY MINUTE AND EVENTUALLY MOSTWILL BE ON MY SHOW AND I BOUGHT

HENRY A TICKET TO HOLLYWOODWHERE EVERY DAY PEOPLE BLOW

THEY'RE LIFE'S SAVINGS ONCHILDISH DREAM FOR THIS WEEK'S

WEB REDEMPTION.

GOT A MINUTE?

>> SURE.

>> Tosh: I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU.

I HAVE AN EXTRA SHIPMENT OFTOSHEEBA SPEAKERS.

NORMALLY THEY'RE $10,000 A PAIR.

I'LL GIVE THEM TO YOU FOR $300 APIECE. >> SOLD.

DON'T BE GULLIBLE.

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY?

>> I BROUGHT MY KID TO THECARNIVAL AND THERE WERE

3 CONCESSIONS AND I HAD TO GETTEN SHOTS INTO A BASKET.

THEY'D GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK FORKEEPING EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION.

>> Tosh: SO YOU'RE TELLING METHEY WANTED YOU AS THE RINGER

JUST TO DRUM UP MORE BUSINESS?

>> I WAS KEEPING EVERYBODY'SATTENTION SO THEY WERE GOING

REFUND MY MONEY AND GIVE ME THEBANANA AND THE Xbox.

>> Tosh: THERE'S NO LIMIT?

>> I BELIEVED THERE WERE RULESAND REGULATIONS BECAUSE THEY

SPOKE OPENLY SO.

>> Tosh: IF YOU MISS ONE TIMEYOU LOST?

>> NO, YOU JUST GOT A DOUBLE ORNOTHING TO KEEP GOING.

>> Tosh: SO IF YOU STARTED AT $5AND YOU GOT TO 3 AND THEN MISSED

NOW YOU HAVE GIVE THEM $10 ANDTHEN THAT'S FOUR, FIVE, SIX AND

IF YOU MISS NINE YOU HAVE TO PUTIN $2600?

>> NO, THERE WERE 40 MISTAKESAND 80 GOES TO 160 AND WHEN I

CAME BACK IT WAS 320 AND WENT TO740.

>> Tosh: WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY GIVEME THE Xbox AND THE MONEY BACK.

>> THEY'RE GOOD.

I LOOKED FOR THE HUSTLE INPEOPLE AND I DIDN'T REALIZE IT

WAS 100% A LIE.

>> Tosh: EXCEPT FOR IT'S ACARNIVAL AND THEY'RE KNOWN FOR

BEING SHADY.

>> HERE'S THE PROBLEM WITH THAT.

CARNIVAL BY DEFINITION MEANSCHARITY.

>> Tosh: FIRST I'M EXCITED YOUSAID THAT BECAUSE I NEVER

THOUGHT I'D LEARN SOMETHING ANDI JUST DID.

WERE YOU BY YOURSELF WHEN YOUWERE PLAYING?

>> WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND THREEKIDS.

>> Tosh: SHE NEVER CHIMED IN ANDSAID HEY --

>> TO A CERTAIN POINT, YEAH, BUTTHEN SHE LET ME DO MY THING AND

SEE WHERE I WAS GOING TO GO WITHIT.

>> Tosh: DOES SHE KNOW NOT TOSPEAK UP?

HOW MUCH WERE IN FOR?

>> $2650.

>> Tosh: DID YOU LOOK YOUR KIDSIN THE EYES AND TELL THEM

THEY'RE NOT GOING COLLEGE. [LAUGHTER]

>> Tosh: DID YOU HAVE A GAMBLING

PROBLEM? >> NO

I DON'T EVEN LIKE TOGAMBLE. IT'S A LOSE-LOSESITUATION.

THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO LOSE THATSITUATION UNLESS YOU PUT INTO

ANOTHER ASPECT OF THE GAMEUNLESS YOU CHANGED THE GAME

THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GONNALOSE.

IT'S NOT AN OPTION.

>> Tosh: DID YOU GET TO PICK THEGIANT RASTA BANANA?

>> THEY GAVE ME TWO AND AMONKEY.

>> Tosh: DO YOU FEEL THE MEDIATREAT YOU HAD UNFAIRLY.

>> YOU HAVE TO ADMIT HE HASPERSISTENCE AND A BANANA WITH

DREADLOCKS. >> HOW MANY PEOPLEHAVE THAT?

ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN, WE'RE TRULY SORRY.

>> Tosh: HENRY, SEE IF YOULEARNED YOUR LESSON.

THROW YOUR KID IN MY VAN.

IS HE OKAY?

>> HE'S BUCKLED IN.

>> Tosh: OKAY.

>> FORGOT TO LOCK THE WHEELS.

>> WELCOME TO THE HIGH STAKES TENT.

CARNIVALERS HAVE TRIED THEIRLUCK AT THESE GAMES.

>> THAT ONE LOOKS COOL.

>> Tosh: COMBO MOMBO A CLASSIC.

GUESS THE COMBINATION AND YOUWIN WHAT'S IN IT.

>> 17, 42, 38.

[BUZZER].

>> SORRY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAYAGAIN?

>> YES.

>> 17, 42, 38.

>> THOSE NUMBERS SOUND LUCKY.

>> IT LOOKS SO EASYI CAN DO THAT.

>> Tosh: FIRST, IT'S A CHICKGAME AND SECOND IT'S RIGGED

BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT'S GOINGTO TAKE HALF IN TAXES.

>> BUY LOW, SELL HIGH AND DON'TGET CAUGHT IN A BEAR MARKET AND

DOW JONESING.

SORRY FOLKS.

MARKET CRASH.

>> Tosh: FORGET THIS.

THE SMART MONEY'S ON THEPEOPLE'S COURT.

>> POP A BOTTLE OF BUBBLYFOR A CHANCE TO WIN

PRICELESS MASTERPIECE.

>> Tosh: THIS IS IN YOURWHEELHOUSE.

>> TRY FRENCH BOWLING ONLY $2600PER POP.

>> THAT'S MY WHOLE LIFE'SSAVINGS.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU TO PLAY BIG TOWIN BIG.

>> PERHAPS YOU CAN PLAY WHACK AMOLE IN SANTA MONICA.

>> Tosh: YOU READY TO GIVE ITANOTHER SHOT?

>> YEP.

>> Tosh: SHAKE IT UP REAL GOOD.

>> I WON.

>> SORRY, SIR.

THERE ARE STILL SOME PARTICLESOF GLASS LEFT ON THE PLATTER.

>> Tosh: OH, WELL. SOONEROR LATER THE HOUSE WINS.

>> TRY AGAIN?

>> THAT'S ALL THE MONEY I HAD.

>> I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO YOUANY MORE.

>> Tosh: DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHERETHE BABY WAS.

THE BANANA WAS WATCHING HIM INTHE VAN.

WHAT ABOUT THE HEAT?

THE BANANA IS FROM JAMAICA.

PULL OUT YOUR PECKER BECAUSEIT'S "TOSH.0" SEX POSITION

OF THE WEEK.

>> ONE PARTNER PULLS ANAL BEADSFROM THE LOVER'S BUTT AS

STARTING A LAWN MOWER.

IF THE ENGINE DOESN'T STARTSOMETIMES THEY HAVE TO PULL

CHOKE.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU DO THE LAWNMOWER.

THANKS, DANIEL AND REMEMBER KEEPON [BLEEP]ING.

>> THAT MEANS HERE I AM.

FOR YOU'RE VIEWING PLEASURE

I'M GOING TO DRINK THIS ISBOWL OF GRAVY.

>> Tosh: OH, YEAH.

FOLKS THAT FAT MAN IS FAT MANAND HE'S THE INTERNET FOREMOST

GRAVY ENTHUSIASM AND SPEAKSSO ELOQUENTLY IT INSPIRED

A DRINKING GAME.

I GAVE EVERYONE IN MY AUDIENCE ABOWL OF GRAVY.

GO GET YOUR OWN BOWL GRAVY IFYOU WANT TO PLAY ALONG AT HOME.

NOW, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THEREST OF THE VIDEO AND YOU HAVE

TO TAKE A DRINK EVERY TIME HESAYS BOWL OF GRAVY.

READY?

LET'S BEGIN.

>> A BOWL OF GRAVY, FOLKS.

>> Tosh: MMM.

ENJOY.

A BOWL OF GRAVY, FOLKS.

>> Tosh: VEGETARIANS QUIT BEINGPRUDES.

EXPERIENCE LIFE FOR ONCE.

>> BOWL OF GRAVY.

>> Tosh: GRAVY HAS 300% OF YOURDAILY SALT REQUIREMENT.

>> A BOWL OF GRAVY.

SHUT UP, DAD.

OH, YEAH, FOLKS.

>> Tosh: HE DRINKS GRAVY, DEALWITH IT, DAD.

YOU'RE RUINING YOUR LIFE.

>> BOWL OF GRAVY.

DELICIOUS.

>> Tosh: WITH TITS LIKE THOSEWHO NEEDS A JOB.

>> BOWL OF GRAVY.

>> Tosh: HMM.

>> YEAH, FOLKS, THE BOWL OFGRAVY.

[LAUGHTER]>> Tosh: BOWL OF GRAVY.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, FOLKS.

BYE-BYE.

>> Tosh: BYE-BYE, BUDDY.

KEEP LIVING EVERY DAY LIKE IT'STHANKSGIVING.

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHERINSTALLMENT OF

MY WEB SERIES THE ADVENTURES OFBIG ASS BABY.

>> EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT,GENTLEMEN.

OKAY, WE HAVE ABOUT TEN MOREMINUTES.

BECKY, BRING ME MY BINKI.

>> NO.

>> I'LL HAVE FREDERICKDROP THE TABLE

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

THANK YOU.

>> THAT'S ONE BIG ASS BABY.

>> Tosh: NOW THE BREAKING BADIS OVER WE CAN ALL AGREE

BIG ASS BABY IS THEBEST SHOW ON TV.

Tell me what happened that day

I just brought my kid

down to the carnival

and uh you know there's

three concession stands

working right next to each other

had to get ten shots into abasket

they were gonna give me uh

my money back for

keeping everybody's attention

So you're telling me

that they wanted you as a ringer

just to drum up more business.

It was a dead day I was keeping

keeping everybody's attention.

So they were gonna refund mymoney

gimme that big ole banana andthe XBOX

There's no limit at thiscarnival? Oh no it's

totally illegal. I had no ideathat they could

I believed 'em.

I believed that it was

rules and regulations

because they spoke

openly between each other so

And if you missed one time

during that ten you lost.

You gotta double no you justgotta

double or nothing to keep going.

So if you started at fivedollars

and you got to three

and then you missed now

I have to give them ten dollars

and then that one goes inthat's four

five six and then

if you've missed nine

you have to put in twenty-sixhundred?

(laughs) No that was probably

three four mistakes gettingused to the game

but then forty goes eighty

eighty goes to one-sixty

and then when I came back itwas three-twenty

then three-twenty went toseven-forty

Well why didn't before you

went home to get more money thefirst time

why didn't you say "Hey

give me the XBOX and rastabanana

and give me the money back."

Those guys are good. Those guysare real good.

I look for the hustles inpeople and uh

I didn't realize

that it was they were allbullshit.

It was all 100% a lie

You know what I'm saying?

Except for it's a carnival

and they're known for beingshady.

But here's the problem with that

carnival by definition actuallymeans charity

First of all I'm excited thatyou said that

cause I never thought I wasgonna learn

something right now and I justdid.

(laughs)

Were you by yourself when youwere playing?

No yeah I was

with my girlfriend

and uh my three kids

She never chimed in and said"Hey

this is..."

Um up to a certain point.

Yeah but then you know

she let me do my thing

and let me see

where I was gonna go with it.

Does she know not to speak up?

(laughs loudly)

How much money were you in for?

Twenty-six hundred bucks.

Well twenty-six fifty.

You had all that in cash athome?

I didn't wanna put it in thebank.

Bank only gives you one percent.

You don't trust banks?

Nah do you?

Yeah.

Come on!

I do.

(laughs)

Did you look your kids in theeyes

and tell them that they're

not going to college?

(laughs)

Was that your life savings?

Yeah.

Man...

Do you know how much an XBOXcosts?

Three-hundred bucks.

So you just got a reallyexpensive XBOX.

Do you have a gambling problem?

No I don't even like to gamble.

It's a lose-lose situation

that...that situation was...itwas impossible

to lose that situation

unless you put into anotheraspect of

the game

unless you change the game

there was no way that I wasgonna lose

it's not an option.

Were you born at night?

Not last night!

AAHHH!

Alright you got me on that one.

Finish this statement:

There's a sucker born every...

Did you get to pick the giantrasta banana?

Yeah actually they gave me

two rasta bananas and a monkey

What's your favorite ride at acarnival?

I don't like rides.

I don't like carnivals at all

because I don't like rides.

What about an amusement park?

No rides?

Log Flume

(laughs)

No?

Do you feel the media treatedyou unfairly?

Well you gotta admit it

he has a certain amount ofpersistence.

That's right and you know we'llsee

where this goes.

And a banana with dreadlocks!

How many people have that?(laughs)

Alright listen we're truly sorry

Did you think it was weird

that the news channel asked you

to bring down the banana?

I didn't care you know

I just. I didn't even go

on there to go and talk

about the actual banana.

I just brought that with me

you know. I didn't...I didn'treally

even think about it.

You're just a crazy person

walking around with a rastabanana.

Alright Henry time to see

if you've learned your lesson.

Throw your kid in my van

(laughs)

Is he okay back there?

Yeah he's buckled in.

Okay.

(thud) Ooh.

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