December 4, 2012 - Season Four Web Reflection

  • Season 4, Ep 30
  • 12/04/2012

Daniel shares show highlights from his last year on Earth, a butt-flute player improves his craft, and suitcase-toboggan sledding makes hate crimes seem whimsical.

>> Tosh: WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT I'M WEARING

BUT WHO I'M WEARING BECAUSE THIS

IS THE SEASON FOR HIGH FASHION.

[♪♪♪]

>> Tosh: WHAT SO SPECIAL ABOUT

MY WARDROBE THIS SUMMER?

I'LL BE WEARING SICK KICKS FOR

THE LADIES.

THIS FALL, THE WARDROBE WILL BE,

OVER PRICED CONCERT TEES.

WAIT...

WITH SEXY STUBBLE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY WEEK I DRESS LIKE AN

ASSHOLE TO DELIVER YOU A QUALITY

PROGRAM.

IF YOU TOLD ME WAY BACK IN THE

YEAR OF 2009 THIS WOULD BE THE

NUMBER ONE SHOW ON COMEDY

CENTRAL I WOULD HAVE, YEAH.

I'M EXTREMELY TALENTED BUT WHAT

DID WE LEARN IN 2012?

NEVER SHOWER AT PENN STATE OR

WEAR A HOODIE IN FLORIDA OR

WATCH A MOVIE IN COLORADO.

WE TRADED WHITNEY HOUSTON FOR

BLUE IVY AND THE HURRICANE

WASHED AWAY THE HERPES LEFT FROM

THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE AND A

GUY ATE A BUM'S FACE OFF AND

HEIDI KLUM LEFT SEAL BECAUSE HE

LOOKED LIKE A BUM THAT ATE HIS

FACE OFF.

LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS TOLD TO TAKE

HIS BALL AND GO HOME AND TWICE

HOWARD GOT TWO COACHES FIRED AND

NBA SHOWED HOW UNPATRIOTIC THEY

ARE BY DVRING HOCK THE OLYMPICS

AND 50 SHADES OF GRAY PROVED YOU

CAN WRITE A DUDE ABOUT CHOKING

WOMEN AND SHOVING STUFF UP THEIR

BUTT BUT HEAVEN FORBID YOU TELL

A JOKE ABOUT.

.

SURE I DOUBLED THE NUMBER OF

FEMINISTS WHO HATE ME AND

DOUBLED THE SHOWS I HAVE ON TV.

NO REGRETS.

I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO

LOOK BACK AT HOW I SPEND MY LAST

YEAR ON EARTH WITH THE WEB

REFLECTION.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DANIEL

TOSH.

>> Tosh: LET'S GO, GUYS.

>> WHAT ARE THESE SWITCHES FOR?

>> THEY'RE FOR THE BITCHES.

THEY'LL MAKE THAT ASS DROP.

YOU DUMB BIG STUPID [BLEEP]

HOLES. YOU'RE ON JUNK'D.

>> THANKS, DANIEL.

>> Tosh: HURRY UP.

GET OVER HERE.

THIS PARTY IS FULL OF ASIANS.

>> OBAMA.

>> NO.

LOUDER DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER.

>> OBAMA.

>> COOKIES.

LET ME WORK MY HAND AROUND THE

SIDE AND INTO YOUR BREAST.

I AM OSAMA BIN LADEN,

FOUNDER OF AL QAEDA.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HOLOGRAM COOLIO.

>> HI GUYS. WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> IT'S JAMES FRANCO. THE GUY

FROM THE MOVIE THAT PRETENDED

TO CUT HIS ARM OFF.

>> HEY, YOU KIDS!

HOW MANY DAMN TIMES I GOT TO

TELL YOU TO QUIT

DRAINING MY POOL.

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT MAN.

>> YOU'RE THROWING FASTBALLS AT

A CATCHER WITH NO MITT.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE TALKING

ABOUT.

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP].

>> TAKE IT YOU FUCKING PIG.

>> GIVE IT TO MOI.

>> YO, SORRY.

I FORGOT TO COUNT.

>> NOT MINE.

I TIED RED YARN AROUND MINE.

>> THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME.

>> AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR

THIS.

>> I'M JUST A LITTLE OLD LADY.

>> ONE HAND OF BLACKJACK, DOUBLE

OR NOTHING.

>> I AM SORRY.

>> THE OPPOSITE A HAPPY ENDING

BECAUSE IT ENDS IN A LAWSUIT

AND BLUE BALLS.

>> HEY DANIEL, DO YOU

WANT A MINT?

Tosh: NO!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, I AM.

>> Tosh: THAT'S FOR STEALING

GILBERT GOTTFRIED'S JOB.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE

IN THE REGISTER.

[BLEEP]

>> GIVE HIM THE MONEY.

>> GIVE ME THE [BLEEP] MONEY.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE, SHOOT.

>> OH!

>> SO I'M ON MY WAY BACK TO THE

BATHROOM.

>> ENJOY THE RIDE.

>> NO!

>> OH, MY GOD I'M GONNA BARF.

>> THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

THE SHOW.

DOUBTFUL.

NOW TRUST ME, DON'T ASK THIS GUY

TO PLAY SILENT BUT DEADLY NIGHT.

ISN'T THAT HOW KATY PERRY WRITES

ALL OF HER SONGS.

WRAPS HER BIG OLE TURD CUTTER

AROUND A TUBA AND JUST COMPOSES.

OKAY.

NOW SNEAK IT BACK INTO YOUR

SISTER'S ROOM.

THE GUY PLAYS A MEAN FLUTE, NO

DOUBT ABOUT IT BUT HE'S NO KENNY

G.

SMOOTH JAZZ.

LOOKS LIKE THE SON OF A BITCH

JACK FROST TURNED HIS

NEIGHBORHOOD INTO ONE BIG GAME

OF SHUFFLEBOARD.

>> LOOK OUT, LADY!

>> Tosh: JUST LIKE A TAYLOR

SWIFT RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S KIND OF SOOTHING AND

BEAUTIFUL IF YOU PUT THE RIGHT

MUSIC BEHIND IT.

TO BE FAIR PUTTING ON TIRE

CHAINS IS A HASSLE.

YOU WANT TO STEER INTO THE

WRECK.

OKAY, THAT ONE WASN'T THE ICE'S

FAULT.

THAT DRIVER WAS ASIAN.

LUCKILY THE HAPPY HONDA DAYS

SALES EVENT JUST STARTED.

THAT'S A WEIRD THING TO CHEER

FOR.

THERE WAS A WORSE EXCELLENT

LATER THAT NIGHT.

[ GRUNTING ]

>> COME AND GET ME SATAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Tosh: ON

FINALLY. MY FANS DON'T JUST

LOOK TO ME FOR JOKES.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO

TELL YOU MY PICKS FOR

THE BEST PRESENTS TO GIVE YOUR

LOVED ONES THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

FIRST UP IS THE HOTTEST

TOY OF THE YEAR.

I'M SURE YOUR CHILD HAS

ALREADY ASKED FOR IT.

IT'S CORNHOLE ME ELMO, WITH A

REAL WORKING ANUS.

I WOULD HAVE PICTURED IT MORE

PINK.

AT LAST, AN ELMO KIDS CAN

[BLEEP] INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY

AROUND.

NEXT, NEVER TOO EARLY TO TEACH

YOUR BABY ABOUT THE SECOND

AMENDMENT. THAT'S WHY

FISHER PRICE AND SMITH AND

WESSON COLLABORATED TO CREATE

MY FIRST HANDGUN.

IT'S COLORFUL, THERE'S NO

SHARP EDGES, AND

IT FIRES GENUINE .22 CALIBER

BULLETS.

YOU CAN HAVE IT WHEN YOU PRY IT

FROM HIS WARM-NAPPING HANDS.

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO

WATCH YOU SHOWER, MY NEXT

GIFT SUGGESTION IS A BIG

SHOWER CURTAIN WITH MY FACE ON

IT.

AND THE BEST PART IT COMES WITH

A ROD THAT IS BENT IN THE

OPPOSITE DIRECTION SO IT'S

GUARANTEEED TO UNCOMFORTABLY

CLING TO YOUR BODY THROUGHOUT

THE ENTIRE CLEANSING PROCESS.

SOME OF THOSE MIGHT HAVE BEEN

MADE UP BUT THE LAST PRODUCT IS

100% REAL AND FOR ADULTS ONLY.

WHO AMONG US DOESN'T APPRECIATE

A YOUNGER TIGHTER VAGINA?

THAT'S WHY MY NUMBER ONE GIFT

THIS CHRISTMAS IS 18 AGAIN

VAGINAL SHRINK CREAM.

IT MAKES YOUR HOO-HA FEEL LIKE

NEW-HA.

I HAD A FEW STAFFERS TEST IT OUT

AND THEY CLAIMED THEIR VAGINAS

FELT CLOSER TO 16.

BUT I THINK CALLING YOUR PRODUCT

16 AGAIN IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE.

THE GOOD NEWS, EVERY

LOOSE-LIPPED SLUT IN THE STUDIO

AUDIENCE IS GOING HOME WITH

A TUBE OF THEIR OWN.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> THIS IS WHAT DREAMS

ARE MADE OF

>> YOU'RE MEANT TO DO THIS.

WHEN YOU DO STUFF LIKE THIS

DUDE, YOU'LL NEVER BE THE SAME.

I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GET

HURT RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA, DUDE.

>> HE'S NOT TRYING, DUDE.

HE'S TOO SCARED.

>> PEER PRESSURE IS THE WORST

KIND... BESIDES SINUS.

LOOKS LIKE A TIGHT FIT.

THEY SHOULD BE USING SPACE BAGS

TO GET HIM, TWO SWEATERS AND

FOUR FRIENDS AND STILL MORE ROOM

FOR A SEASONAL COMFORTER AND

THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

A PERSON'S BODY SHOULD NEVER END

UP IN A SUITCASE UNLESS SHE SAYS

SOMETHING REALLY CRAZY AND THERE

AREN'T WITNESS AND THEY CAN'T

PROVE MOTIVE.

>> JUST GO.

>> Tosh: THERE'S NOT A

SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL THIS

IS GOING TO WORK.

IT WOULD BE QUICKER TO PUT HIM

STRAIGHT IN THE BODY BAG.

DRAGGING SOMEONE BEHIND A PICKUP

TRUCK IN THE WINTER EVEN MAKES

HATE CRIMES SEEM WHIMSICAL.

SOMETIMES IT'S SAFER JUST TO

STAY INSIDE AND DO DRUGS, KIDS.

THEY SHOULD SAKE THAT SUITCASE

TO THE AIRPORT AND SWITCH IT

WITH ONE THAT DOESN'T HAVE A

DEAD BOY IN IT.

>> WHAT HURTS?

WHAT HURTS?

>> Tosh: HE'S CRYING BECAUSE

HE'S CRAMMED AGAINST THE

COLLAPSABLE HANDLE.

SUCK IT UP YOU'RE TEARS ARE

GOING TO FREEZE INTO I'M BEING

PUSSY-CICLES.

>> WE NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF THE

BRIEF CASE.

>> I'M STARTING TO THINK THESE

GUYS MAY NOT BE SMART.

ONE, THAT'S NOT A BRIEF CASE.

TWO, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO

UNPACK SOMEONE WITH A SPINE

INJURY.

>> GET HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.

>> Tosh: NO HOSPITALS.

YOU DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO KNOW

ABOUT THIS ATTEMPTED

MANSLAUGHTER YOU'RE ABOUT TO PUT

ON YOUTUBE.

TOO BAD THE JACKASS GUYS

NEVER MADE A CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

NOW THEY'RE ALL DEAD OR SOBER.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

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