February 22, 2011 - The Hurdle Girls

  • 02/22/2011

Inappropriate Touch Tuesdays catch on; plus, Hurdle Girls prep for Tosh.0'Lympics Web Rematch.

ALRIGHT, NOW IT'S TIME FOR A

HULA HOOP WORLD RECORD.

THAT IS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

WHY DO YOU OWN A HULA HOOP?

IT'S GOOD TO SEE THE GUYS FROM

KORN STAYING BUSY.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE, YOU MIGHT WANT

TO MOW YOUR DRIVEWAY

THEY HAVE GRASS FOR A DRIVEWAY.

THAT'S PRETTY INSPIRING.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER

"I'M BETTER THAN YOU

NA-NA NA-NA BOO-BOO, STICK YOUR

HEAD IN DOO-DOO."

[LAUGHING]

>> STOP!

STOP!

THAT WAS 7 MEN, GOING THROUGH

ONE FLAMING HOOP 4 ½ TIMES.

NA-NA NA BOO-BOO.

WE DID HAVE A COUPLE PRACTICE

RUNS THAT DIDN'T GO SO SMOOTHLY,

THANKS TO OUR WEAKEST LINK,

DOCTOR JIM.

IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE'S

FAVORITE MOVIE SEGMENT SPOILER

ALERT.

THIS WEEK'S MOVIE WAS A LITTLE

HOLLYWOOD GEM WITH A-LIST ACTORS

THAT THEY TRIED TO BURY ON US

CALLED TIPTOES.

THE TRAILER HAS BEEN POPULAR ON

THE INTERNET FOR YEARS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT'S A

JOKE.

BUT MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY IS NEVER

FUNNY ON PURPOSE.

SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW

WHAT HAPPENS, TURN THE CHANNEL

NOW -- PREFERABLY TO ANOTHER

STATION IN THE VIACOM FAMILY.

I WANT TO START BY TELLING YOU

WHO'S IN THIS MOVIE.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, KATE

BECKINSALE

MATTHEW COMES IN.

HE'S DRESSED TO THE NINES "I

JUST HAVE THIS THING AND YOU'RE

NOT INVITED."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH, WELL, WHY

DON'T I BLOW YOU?"

AT THIS MOMENT, I'M LIKE, THIS

MOVIE MIGHT BE OKAY.

YOU MEET HIS MOM FOR THE FIRST

TIME.

SHE'S NOT REALLY MAD THAT HE'S

LATE.

SHE'S REALLY MAD THAT HIS TWIN

BROTHER, WHO IS GARY OLDMAN, IS

LATE.

HERE'S THE BIG THING, GARY

OLDMAN, HE'S PLAYING A LITTLE

PERSON IN THIS.

SO WHAT DOES HE DO?

THEY JUST, CRUDELY, HAVE HIM,

JUST LIKE PULL YOUR ARMS BACK A

LITTLE BIT.

IT'S NOT HARD FOR A LITTLE

PERSON TO FIND A PLACE TO HIDE.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY COMES HOME

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WHERE HAVE YOU

BEEN?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "OH, NOWHERE" "I

THINK I MIGHT BE PREGNANT."

WHEN HE'S ASLEEP, THAT'S WHEN HE

GOES IN BARE.

LIKE LIKE I THINK HE WAS JUST

GOING DOWNSTAIRS TO DO

CRUNCHES.

I DON'T KNOW... AND HE'S WEARING

TIGHT WHITE BRIEFS

HE LOOKS INCREDIBLE.

THERE'S NO DENYING THAT.

THAT'S A GOOD LOOKING MAN.

AND WHO IS IT?

IT'S BRIDGET THE MIDGET DAVID

ALAN GRIER IS [BLEEP] HER .

HE'S LIKE, "OH, WELL, I'M HIS

TWIN BROTHER."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, THAT

YOU HAVE A FAMILY OF MIDGETS?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "WHOA!

THEY ARE LITTLE PEOPLE."

THEN THE NEXT TIME IN THE BED,

SHE'S LIKE, "OH," SHE SAYS,

"LITTLE PEOPLE."

AND HE GOES, "OH, YOU'RE

LEARNING THE LANGUAGE.

THAT'S REALLY GOOD."

"I [BLEEP] NEED A CREPE!"

AND HE'S LIKE, "WELL, ONCE, WHEN

I WAS A KID, YOU KNOW WE WERE

JUST PLAYING GAMES AND STUFF."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH, YOU WERE IN

A CIRCLE JERK?

I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE SEEN

THAT."

>> YOU WERE IN A CIRCLE JERK

WITH THE LITTLE PEOPLE.

I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE THAT.

YEAH.

SEE, THAT JUST GAVE ME SOME

CREDIBILITY.

AND IN WALKS THE DOCTOR, WHO'S A

LITTLE PERSON

MATTHEW SEES IT'S A LITTLE

PERSON BABY, IN THE DELIVERY

ROOM, JUST STARTS PUNCHING THE

WALL.

THAT IS IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE HAD

HIS FIRST SON.

THEN THE CONVERSATION CAME UP,

WOULD I HAVE SEX WITH A LITTLE

PERSON?

OH, IT'D LOOK LIKE A MONSTER

EATING YOU

AND HE STARTS SCREAMING AT HER,

"OUR BABY'S A DWARF.

I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE BETTER

FOR YOU, AND THE KID, IF I JUST,

JUST LEAVE."

YEA, YEA, THAT'S WHAT MOST, MOST

MOTHERS "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE

EASY?

IF I COULD JUST DO THIS ALONE."

YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO GET HIS

ACT TOGETHER

BY THE WAY, THAT'S THE LOOP HOLE

IN THE FUTURE OF CAR POOL LANE

CARS

AND THEN LOOKS AT HIS PARTNER,

"I HOPE YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME,

BUT YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF IT?"

AT THIS POINT, YOU CAN'T HELP

BUT MAKE A SNOW WHITE AND THE

SEVEN DWARFS REFERENCE

SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND HE LOOKS AT

HER, AND THEN SHE GOES, "YOU CAN

KISS ME IF YOU WANT."

AND THE MOVIE ENDS.

EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT "CASUAL

FRIDAYS," BUT I STARTED A NEW

PHENOMENON THAT'S BOOSTING

WORKPLACE MORALE ALL ACROSS

AMERICA.

IT'S CALLED "INAPPROPRIATE TOUCH

TUESDAYS."

EMBRACE IT!

>> KEEP YOUR HANDS UP.

OKAY.

OKAY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.

>> NO.

NO.

NO!

NO!

I SAID NO!

I'M NOT SURE IF THAT "NO" WAS

LEGALLY BINDING.

WHAT'S NEXT?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A KLONDIKE

BAR?

NOW LET'S CHECK OUT THAT GIANT

STICK UP IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

NOT MANY PEOPLE ROB A PLACE WITH

A WIZARD STAFF.

GUN CONTROL MUST BE WORKING.

WHAT'S THE WAITING PERIOD ON A

HUMONGOUS BRANCH?

THREE DAYS.

SHOULDN'T HE HAVE WHITTLED THAT

THING TO A POINT OR SOMETHING?

MAYBE HE'S JUST TRYING TO RETURN

THEIR BATHROOM KEY.

THE CLERK JUST GRABBED A TINY

HAMMER.

NICE.

THIS IS TURNING INTO A MEXICAN

STANDOFF BETWEEN AN INDIAN AND

AN IDIOT

HEY, LET'S TAKE A MOMENT TO

DISCUSS THE ROBBER'S CHOICE OF

FOOTWEAR.

WHY ARE HIS SHOES IN BAGS?

YOU WORRIED ABOUT LEAVING

FOOTPRINTS?

YEA, I THINK THE KEY PIECE OF

EVIDENCE MIGHT BE THAT SIX FOOT

LOG IN THE CORNER OF YOUR

APARTMENT.

OH WHAT'S NOBODY GOES BEHIND

THE COUNTER!

HE SETS DOWN HIS BIG STICK.

I CAN'T HEAR WHAT HE'S SAYING.

I ASSUME IT'S BECAUSE HE SPEAKS

SOFTLY

HMM.

ALRIGHT.

THEN HE ESCAPED THROUGH THE BACK

DOOR.

STOP HIM, BEFORE HE GETS TO HIS

PINEWOOD DERBY GETAWAY CAR.

GREAT, NO ONE IS WATCHING THE

STORE.

FREE

REMATCH.

[CLAPPI

[CLAPPING]

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> WE'RE GIRL ON GIRL THIS TIME.

>> OKAY.

YOU.

WHO MADE THAT VIDEO.

>> MY FATHER.

HOW NOT PROUD OF YOU WAS HE THAT

DAY.

>> HE WAS VERY PROUD.

>> DOES HE HAVE A SON.

>> YES MAYAN GER BROTHER.

>> YEAH.

>> WAS THAT A SPECIAL OLYMPICS

QUALIFYING MEET.

>> NO.

>> HOW DID YOU ACTUALLY MAKE THE

TRACK TEAM?

>> THERE WEREN'T TRYOUTS.

>> WAS THAT THE FIRST TRACK MEET

OF THE SEASON.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU FINISHED OUT THE SEASON.

I ONLY RAN THE HURDLES ONE MORE

TIME.

>> AND THE COACH WAS LIKE MAYBE

THIS WASN'T YOUR THING.

>> AT WHAT POINT DID YOU KNOW

YOU WERE NOT GOING TO WIN.

>> NOT THAT I COULD WIN FIRST

PLACE.

NOT BE LAST.

>> OH IS THAT WHAT WOMEN RACE

FOR, NOT BE LAST.

>> ALEXIS.

>> WALK ME THROUGH WHAT YOU WERE

THINKING THROUGH THE RACE.

I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO

WIN.

I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO

FALL ON FIVE OF THEM.

I COULDN'T GET MY SPEED OVER

THEM.

>> DID YOU GET YOUR SPEED UP BY

JUMPING QUICKLY.

>> ALEXIS DID YOU KNOW WHEN YOU

WERE STRUGGLING EVERY SINGLE

HURDLE THERE WAS SOMEONE TWO

LANES AWAY EQUALLY AWFUL.

>> NO.

>> DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL

BETTER.

>> KIND OF YEAH.

>> ONE OF THEM THEY CALLED ME A

LITTLE RED SLIDING HOOD.

>> THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

I SHOULD WRITE THAT DOWN.

>> DO YOU THINK AT ANY POINT

YOUR PARENTS WERE JUMPING THAT'S

MY KID.

ONE THAT'S ON THE GROUND AGAIN?

AND AGAIN.

>> WHO CAME IN LAST THAT DAY?

>> I THINK SHE DID.

>> BECAUSE I GOT DISQUALIFIED.

>> SO THAT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE WORST OUT

OF THE TWO OF YOU.

>> NO.

>> UP HERE.

>> ARE EITHER WU OF YOU STEROIDS

RIGHT NOW.

>> YES.

>> WOULD YOU BE BOTH BE WILLING

TO TAKE A DRUG TEST.

>> YEAH.

>> THANK YOU.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

AHHH!

>> I REALLY HAD TO GO.

>> GOOD LORD.

>> LET'S GO LADIES.

YOU ARE LATE FOR PRACTICE.

>> AT LEAST ONE OF US DRESSED

APPROPRIATELY.

>> I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO

CEL

CELEBRITY TRAINER DONKEY KONG.

HE'S GOING TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR

HEADQUARTER DULLING.

>> THANKS DONKEY.

>> DON'T FORGET YOUR OVERSIZED

MALLET.

[VIDEOGAME MUSIC]

>> ALL RIGHT GIRLS YOU READY FOR

YOUR WEB REMATCH.

>> YES.

>> ONE LAST THING.

YOU WERE GOING TO BE COMPETING

AGAINST GIRLS THAT ARE REALLY

GOOD AT THE HURDLES.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET --

[LAUGHI

[LAUGHING]

[GUNSH

[GUNSHOT]

>> JUMP.

GO.

TURN IT ON.

>> GOOD JOB.

HERE'S YOUR MEDAL.

AND LAST PLACE IS CONFLICT

DIAMOND.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU ARE THE WORLD'S WORST

WE HAVE SOME BEHIND THE SCENES

FOOTAGE FROM THE ENTIRE TOSH

TOUR.

THERE'S MORE TO COME, BUT HERE

ARE SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS.

>> HOLD THE CAMERA UP FOR A

LITTLE BIT NOW.

>> PUT THE STUPID CAMERA AWAY.

>> TURN THE CAMERA OFF.

>> TURN THAT OFF.

>> PUT THE CAMERA DOWN.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THAT

OFF.

Loading...