March 1, 2011 - Foul Ball Couple

  • 03/01/2011

The Foul Ball Couple gets a Web Redemption, and Daniel honors Internet stars who died this year.

ARE YOU LIKE ME?

DO YOU EVER LAY AWAKE LATE AT

NIGHT AND WISH YOUR PENIS WAS

RECHARGEABLE?

[LAUGHTER]

BEN FRANKLIN IS A PUSSY.

OKAY, LET ME REMIND EVERYONE

THAT THIS SHOW IS INTENDED FOR A

MATURE AUDIENCE.

OKAY.

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS I CAN MAKE.

THAT IS THE WORST GLADE PLUG-IN

EVER.

[LAUGHTER]

A FOIL CONDOM?

AH, I HOPE HIS GIRLFRIEND

DOESN'T HAVE FILLINGS.

[LAUGHTER]

HIS WIENER JUST TRAVELED BACK IN

TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

IF HE TRIED THAT IN EUROPE, HE'D

NEED TO USE AN ADAPTOR.

I'VE STUCK MY JUNK IN MORE

DANGEROUS HOLES THAN THAT TODAY.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW GO TEABAG THE TOASTER.

I PUNISH MY STAFF THE SAME WAY

WHENEVER THEY DON'T LAUGH AT MY

JOKES.

[LAUGHTER]

BY NOT SHOWING THE ENTIRE CLIP,

I CAN LEGALLY SAY THAT THEIR

PENISES DIDN'T GET SHOCKED.

[LAUGHTER]

I WILL SAY THAT WE WERE A LITTLE

TOO GENEROUS WITH THE FOIL ON

SOME OF THOSE GUYS.

IT WAS SO HARD TO GET IT TO STAY

ON ONE OF THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S LIKE, "I'M NERVOUS.

IT GETS SMALL WHEN I'M NERVOUS

YOU COULD USE SOME COLOR ON THAT

OLD HOG.

CHECK OUT THIS NEW INVENTION.

>> ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS A SHAVING HELMET.

MOUNTED ON AN ALUMINUM RAILS.

HAS TWO SERVOS.

>>

HOW MANY MACHS IS THAT?

NOW I KNOW WHAT TO BUY THE

SKINHEAD WHO HAS EVERYTHING.

>> OH, WOW!

[BLEEP]!

>> OKAY.

I WANT TO TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE

TOP.

>> OKAY.

I CAN DEFINITELY FEEL IT.

ISN'T SO BAD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> OKAY.

DEFINITELY NICKED ME THERE.

YEAH.

YEAH.

IT'S WORKING, BUT -- BUT -- THIS

IS DEFINITELY BETTER THAN

WAITING IN LINE AT A SALON.

YOU KNOW?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL

THE -- NONSENSE.

>> THE GOOD NEWS, I NO LONGER

NEED TO GE

WHAT'S NEXT?

GET OFF MY ROOF, I'M TRYING TO

GROW A TAIL IN HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S FIND OUT IF THIS TURD

FLOATS OR SINKS IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THIS IS AT THE PREAKNESS STAKES,

WHICH IS THE KENTUCKY DERBY'S

INBRED COUSIN.

NO FLOPPY HATS OR MINT JULEPS

HERE, JUST KEYSTONE LIGHT AND

JEAN SHORTS.

THIS IS WHERE THE REAL RACISTS

GO.

[LAUGHTER]

CLETUS IS ABOUT TO PARTAKE IN

ONE OF THEIR OLDEST TRADITIONS,

THE CRAP-DASH, THE POOP SCOOT,

THE DIARRHEA DERBY, THE KENTUCKY

DOOKEY.

WHATEVER YOU CALL IT.

THE STAKES ARE HIGH.

PLACE YOUR BETS!

HE STUMBLES OUT OF THE GATE.

HE IS DEFINITELY NOT A MUDDER.

HIS MUDDER WAS A MUDDER.

AND DOWN THE STRETCH HE COMES!

LOOKS HE JUST CAUGHT A WHIFF

FROM THAT [BLEEP] CHIMNEY.

[LAUGHTER]

GETTING PELTED WITH BEER CANS ON

TOP OF A PORTA-POTTY IS STILL

BETTER THAN SETTING FOOT INSIDE

OF ONE.

THIS IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PART

OF THE RACE, THE JUMP.

SHOULD BE EASY TO CLEAR A SIX

FOOT GAP WHEN YOU'VE BUILT UP NO

SPEED WHATSOEVER.

[LAUGHTER]

SO CLOSE!

THAT WAS A PHOTO FINISH.

I THINK HE MISSED IT BY A NOSE,

WHICH SUCKS BECAUSE I HAD HIM IN

MY QUINELLA BOX.

IS HE DRUNK OR JUST WHITE?

[LAUGHTER]

PUT A BULLET IN HIM.

HIS RACING CAREER IS OVER.

OH, LOOK AT THIS, STEPHON

MARBURY PAYS HIS LAST RESPECTS

BY CHECKING HIS POCKETS FOR BEER

>> OH, MY!

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

>> DON'T WORRY.

HER FACE WAS ALREADY KINDA

BUSTED.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT A

GLOVE INSTEAD OF A GIRLFRIEND.

THAT'S BO AND SARAH, AND WHEN A

FOUL BALL CAME SCREAMING TOWARDS

THE CHEAP SEATS, HE DID THE

SMART THING AND MOVED OUT OF THE

WAY.

IT'S NOT HIS FAULT HER REFLEXES

SUCK.

HE WAS ACTUALLY BEING

CONSIDERATE OF HER NEEDS.

HE WOULD HAVE BROKEN HIS HAND

TRYING TO CATCH IT AND NOT BEEN

ABLE TO PLEASURE HER LATER.

[LAUGHTER]

SORRY IF HE DIDN'T JUMP AT THE

CHANCE TO TAKE A LINE DRIVE TO

THE DOME.

HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND, NOT YOUR

BODYGUARD.

WE ALREADY HAVE TO OPEN DOORS,

PULL OUT CHAIRS, CARRY YOUR

STUFF, KEEP PROMISES, LIE ABOUT

OUR PAST, TRY NOT TO STARE AT

YOUR SISTER'S BOOBS, LISTEN TO

YOUR AWFUL, POINTLESS STORIES,

AND PRETEND WE DON'T THINK YOUR

FRIENDS ARE EVEN MORE ANNOYING

THAN YOU ARE.

YOU WANT US TO CUT UP YOUR FOOD

TOO, YOU LAZY BITCH?

[LAUGHTER]

SORRY.

THAT WAS GETTING TOO CLOSE TO

HOME.

[LAUGHTER]

IN THE OLD DAYS, BEFORE WOMEN

KNEW ABOUT LATERAL MOVEMENT, MEN

HAD TO LAY THEIR JACKET DOWN

OVER PUDDLES.

OH REALLY?

YOU THINK I'M NOT GOING TO RUIN

MY LULU LEMON JUST SO YOU CAN

KEEP ONE OF YOUR 90 PAIRS OF

SHOES CLEAN.

LADIES, CHIVALRY ONLY EXISTS IN

TRAIN SONGS.

IT ISN'T DEAD.

IT'S JUST TAKING A VACATION

WHILE YOU FIGURE OUT THAT BEING

EQUAL BLOWS.

RAPPERS HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA.

FORGET ALL THE FORMALITIES AND

POUR CRISTAL ON BITCHES'

TITTIES.

THAT'S WHAT THEY REALLY WANT

ANYWAY.

BEING A GENTLEMAN IS SIMPLE.

JUST TRY NOT TO FINISH FIRST.

TRY.

THE TRUTH IS, I'M A ROMANTIC.

BO AND SARAH'S RELATIONSHIP

LOOKS LIKE IT'S IN TROUBLE.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT THEM OUT

FOR A LITTLE SPRING TRAINING IN

THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[APPLAUSE]

>> WELCOME TO COUPLES

COUNSELLING.

TELL ME ABOUT THAT DATE.

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.

>> THEY HIT THE FOUL BALL.

I SAW IT COMING FAST.

I LOST IT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO HIT ME

IN THE FACE.

>> WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE SAY ABOUT

YOU?

>> PEOPLE SAY I WOULD HAVE TAKEN

IT.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

>> EVERY MAN IS FOR HIMSELF IS

WHAT I SAW.

>> YEAH.

>> HOW IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP

GOING?

>> NOT SO WELL RIGHT NOW.

>> ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?

>> NO.

>> HOW LONG WERE YOU GUYS DATE

SOMETHING.

>> FIVE, FOUR --

>> SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> WAS IT GOING WELL?

>> WE HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS.

>> WAS THAT DAY AN UP OR DOWN?

>> I THINK IT WAS AN UP.

>> DID YOU GET IN A FIGHT LATER

THAT NIGHT OVER IT OR --

>> NO.

>> DID YOU GET LUCKY THAT NIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> AFTER FIVE MONTHS, YOU'RE

STILL INTO IT?

DO YOU GUYS STILL TALK?

>> NOT REALLY.

>> DO YOU STILL HAVE SEX?

>> YEAH.

ALL THE TIME.

>> NO.

THAT'S A LIE.

>> LAST NIGHT WE DID.

>> YOU DID HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT?

>> HE'S SUCH A LIAR.

HE'S SO FULL OF [BLEEP].

>> PLEASE, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE

IN MY OFFICE.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH A BLACK

WOMAN?

>> NO.

BUT I WOULD BE WITH A

LIGHT-SKINNED BLACK WOMAN.

>> SARAH, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN

WITH A BLACK MAN?

>> HALF BLACK TWINS.

>> AT THE SAME TIME.

>> THAT'S A LIE, RIGHT?

I WANT TO BELIEVE IT.

I WANT TO BELIEVE IT.

IT'S TRUE!

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> IT'S A LIE.

>> ARE YOU DATING SOMEONE?

>> I DO.

I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER

NOW.

>> WHY?

DOES HE HAVE GOOD HANDS?

>> WHAT?

>> CAN HE CATCH?

>> HE HAS PRETTY EYES.

HE'S TANNED SKIN.

HE'S A DENTIST.

>> I DON'T LIKE THIS NEW GUY SO

FAR.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE HAS GREEN EYES, FIRST OF ALL.

IS THAT FROM KAY JEWELERS?

>> FROM TIFFANY'S.

>> TIFFANY'S?

>> YEAH.

>> BO, YOU'RE STARTING TO LOSE

NOW.

>> HOW OLD IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

>> 17.

>> 15?

>> SEE WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT

ONE?

I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS 15.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> SHE HAD A FAKE I.D. AND

EVERYTHING.

TATTOOS.

>> SO YOU CARDED HER?

>> NO, I DIDN'T.

SHE USED TO GO TO A CLUB WITH

ME.

LIKE 18 AND UP TO GET IN.

I NEVER THOUGHT NOTHING LIKE

THAT.

>> IS THERE ANY SCENARIO, SARAH,

WHERE YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF

TAKING BO BACK?

>> MAYBE.

>> WHAT WOULD SARAH HAVE TO DO

TO TAKE YOU BACK?

>> SHE WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE A

LOT OF THINGS.

WE WOULD HAVE TO GET ALONG MORE.

STOP FIGHTING.

>> I'M NOT CHANGING.

>> SEE, WHAT WOULD I TELL YOU?

>> I WOULD, I GUESS.

>> WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT EACH

OTHER?

>> THE PERSONALITY.

YOU'RE PRETTY SMILE.

>> NOW, BO, SAY SOMETHING NICE

ABOUT SARAH.

DON'T LOOK AT HER BOOBS.

>> I'M TRYING TO THINK OF

SOMETHING.

HANG ON.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I REALLY DON'T.

>> COME ON, SAY SOMETHING NICE

ABOUT HER.

>> I DON'T --

>> THIS ISN'T WORKING.

WE HAVE TO GO TO SOMETHING MUCH

MORE EXTREME.

SOMETHING I DON'T NORMALLY DO ON

A FIRST SESSION.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY BO CAN

REDEEM HIMSELF.

THAT'S BY DEFENDING SARAH ON THE

ASSAULT COURSE OF AMERICAN

GLADIATORS.

[APPLAUSE]

>> THE ONLY THING STANDING

BETWEEN YOU TWO AND HAPPINESS

EVER AFTER IS MALIBU AND LACE.

HOW ARE YOU, MALIBU?

>> WE ARE SO SWEET, BABY.

WE GOT SOMETHING REAL SPECIAL

FOR YOU.

>> HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO,

BO.

YOU NEED TO PROTECT SARAH.

DON'T LET HER GET HIT BY A

TENNIS BALL.

NOBODY GIVES A [BLEEP].

YOU NEED TO FIRE AT THAT SMALL

TARGET BEHIND THE GLADIATORS.

IF YOU DO THAT, YOU WIN.

THEN CROSS THE FINISH LINE.

AND THEY'RE OFF!

BO IS TAKING A POUNDING.

THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

SARAH ALMOST GOT HIT.

THEY'RE AT STATION THREE,

GETTING READY TO FINE THE

CANNON.

AND IT'S A MISS.

>> CONGRATULATIONS, BO.

YOU PROVED YOURSELF OUT THERE.

HOW DID YOU FEEL?

>> IT HURT, BUT SHE WAS WORTH

IT.

>> NO WAY SHE'S NOT TAKING YOU

BACK NOW.

>> SARAH?

DON'T FEEL SO BAD.

NO ONE CAN RESIST MALIBU.

FROM ALL OF US AT AMERICAN

GLADIATORS, I'M DANIEL TOSH.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> FIRST ONE I GOT WAS PINK LADY

SLIPPER.

I LOVE IT.

>> FEW BOUGHT ANY OF THAT, YOU

GOT A SECOND ONE 50% OFF.

THIS SMELLS LIKE ALPINE.

>> I'VE HEARD A LOT OF REVIEWS

ON THIS.

I WASN'T TOO FOND OF IT WHEN I

TRIED IT.

IT WAS LIKE SAGE AND CITRUS.

THAT'S MY HALL!

>> AH, WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO

GET INTO THAT LITTLE BOY'S ROOM.

I BET IT SMELLS WONDERFUL.

I AM A HUGE CANDLE BUFF MYSELF.

I COULD NOT WAIT TO TALK TO THIS

KID.

PLEASE WELCOME VIA SKYPE, DREW.

[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

>> HOW DID YOU GET INTO

COLLECTING CANDLES?

>> I JUST FOUND ONE AT THE STORE

ONE DAY AND I BECAME ADDICTED.

>> ALRIGHT.

BE CAREFUL.

CANDLES ARE A GATEWAY DRUG.

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE OUT

ON THE STREET GIVING HANDIES TO

HOBOS FOR BATH SALTS.

I'VE BEEN THERE.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CANDLE?

>> MY FAVORITE CANDLE IS

MACINTOSH APPLE.

>> MACINTOSH IS MY FAVORITE TOO,

BECAUSE MY NAME'S IN IT.

>> AHHH!

CLEVER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOUR APPROVAL MEANS

EVERYTHING TO ME.

ALRIGHT, LET'S PUT THAT NOSE OF

YOURS TO THE TEST.

WE SENT YOU SOME CANDLES TO

REVIEW.

DID YOU GET'EM?

>> THIS ONE?

>> YEAH, SEE IF YOU CAN TELL ME

WHAT THE SCENT IT IS.

>> IT SMELLS VERY TROPICAL.

PINEAPPLES.

ORANGES.

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT IS IT?

>> IT'S PEACHES AND SKEET.

[LAUGHTER]

>> PEACHES AND SKEET?

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT.

>> YEAH, I MADE IT MYSELF.

ALRIGHT.

NEXT?

>> WE HAVE A PURPLE CANDLE.

SMELLS LIKE CINNAMON.

>> OOH, SORRY, THAT IS WARM

MOTHER'S QUEEF.

[LAUGHTER]

>> MMHM.

>> MMHM.

NOT A FAN OF THIS BIT, ARE YOU?

ALRIGHT, YOU'RE 0 FOR 2.

LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN FINISH

STRONG.

>> WE HAVE THE GREEN ONE.

SMELLS LIKE "DUNE GRASS" FROM

YANKEE CANDLE.

>> OH CLOSE.

NO.

THAT IS "MAN ASS."

>> OH, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT

CANDLE.

>> HA HA HA.

IT GROWS ON YOU.

I WENT THROUGH A PHASE IN

COLLEGE WHERE I LOVED THAT

CANDLE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WOULD JUST COME WAFTING DOWN

THE HALLS.

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "OH,

THERE'S DANIEL BURNING ANOTHER

CANDLE."

[LAUGHTER]

ALRIGHT, YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT,

DREW.

THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME, DANIEL.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

>> BYE!

ON OUR BLOG.

ALRIGHT.

THE OSCARS WERE ON SUNDAY, AND

AS ALWAYS, MY FAVORITE PART WAS

WHEN THEY SHOWED THE PEOPLE WHO

DIED THIS YEAR.

BUT IT MADE ME THINK, I OUGHT TO

HONOR THE PEOPLE WHO DIED ON THE

INTERNET IN 2010.

♪♪

[APPLAUSE]

♪♪

♪♪

[APPLAUSE]

THERE IS NOT A DRY EYE IN THE

HOUSE!

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT SURE IF ALL OF

THOSE PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

WE DON'T DO MUCH RESEARCH AROUND

HERE.

MY APOLOGIES TO THE SURVIVORS

AND THEIR FAMILIES, BUT KNOW

THAT YOU HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ALRIGHT.

THIS WEEK, WE DO NOT HAVE A

VIEWER VIDEO --

[AUDIENCE AHHS]

>> BECAUSE WE FOUND A CLIP OF A

HYENA EATING A DEAD ELEPHANT'S

B-HOLE.

[CHEERS]

>> THE COAST IS CLEAR.

THE HYENA CALCULATES TO STRIKE

FIRST.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT'S HOW MY DOG WAKES ME UP

EVERY MORNING.

[LAUGHTER]

GROW UP, OKAY.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOT TO MY

FAVORITE PART YET.

[LAUGHTER]

I BET THIS IS THE ONE THING THE

ELEPHANT WOULDN'T MIND

FORGETTING.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

JUMP CUTS, BUT FIRST HERE'S

SOMETHING FOR THE STUDIO

AUDIENCE TO TAKE THEIR MIND OFF

THAT ELEPHANT'S ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

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