September 27, 2011 - Bumbling Surfer

  • 09/27/2011

Bumbling Surfer gets a Web Redemption, Daniel launches Cock Blocker, and Norma Stitz motorboats.

>> HEY, MICAH, YOU SEEN BODHI?

>> WHAT?

>> YOU SEEN BODHI?

>> WHAT?

>> YOU SEEN BODHI?

YOU SEEN BODHI?

>> WHO?

>> NEVER MIND.

WE'RE GOING OUT?

>> OH, I CAN'T, MAN.

I JUST BROKE MY STICK.

>> SO, MICAH, ARE YOU A SURFER?

>> YES, I AM A SURFER.

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

SURFING?

>> PROBABLY, LIKE, 14 YEARS.

>> WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE SPOT TO

SURF?

>> LOWERS, FOR SURE.

>> IT'S SO CROWDED.

>> STILL, YOU GET ONE WAVE,

AND YOU'RE GOING FOREVER.

YOU CAN LEARN ALL YOUR TRICKS

ON ONE WAVE AND GET COMFORTABLE

WITH IT.

>> WHERE DO YOU FIND,

IN CALIFORNIA, YOU GET MOST

HASSLED FOR GOING OUT?

>> I'D PROBABLY SAY LOWERS OR

THE HUNTINGTON PIER.

>> DO YOU HAVE A GOOD ENERGY

WHEN YOU'RE OUT SURFING?

>> I USUALLY TRY TO KEEP MY

ENERGY GOOD, BUT SOMETIMES, YOU

CAN'T GET WAVES, SO YOU GOT TO--

YOU GOT TO PUT ON THAT STRONG

FACE AND REALLY START RAGING

THROUGH IT TO GET THE WAVES YOU

WANT.

>> HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN IN

A FIGHT IN THE WATER?

>> I REMEMBER AS A KID, I WAS

LEARNING HOW TO SURF,

DROPPED INTO ONE, AND I WENT UP

AND HIT THE LIP AND DIDN'T PAY

ATTENTION TO THE GUYS OUT IN THE

WATER AND CAME DOWN PRETTY CLOSE

TO HIM, AND I WAS JUST A KID,

AND THIS GUY JUST SERIOUSLY

RAGED ON ME SO HARD, LIKE, MADE

ME FEEL SO BAD, ALMOST MADE ME

CRY.

>> HOW LONG AGO WAS THAT VIDEO?

>> NINE YEARS AGO.

>> WOW, AND IT IS--IT IS

PROBABLY THE MOST FAMOUS SURFING

YOUTUBE VIDEO OUT THERE.

WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE LIKE IT

SO MUCH?

>> BECAUSE IT'S PERFECT TO MAKE

FUN OF.

>> WHY WERE YOU BEING

INTERVIEWED THAT DAY?

>> I HAD BROKEN A SURFBOARD WHEN

I WAS SURFING AT THE WEDGE.

>> HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN HURT

THERE?

>> YEAH, I'VE SLAMMED ON THE

SAND A COUPLE TIMES.

I'VE ACTUALLY HAD TO STRAIGHTEN

OUT ON A WAVE ONE TIME AND KIND

OF JUST DOVE AS FLAT AS I COULD,

BUT STILL, SINCE THE WATER WAS

SO AGGRESSIVE, IT ACTUALLY STILL

LIFTED ME UP IN A FUNNY WAY

AND KIND OF POINTED--TRIED TO

POINT MY HEAD INTO THE SAND,

AND I ACTUALLY FELT MY NECK

CRACK.

YOU'RE RISKING LIFE AND DEATH

EVERY TIME YOU GO OUT THERE,

BUT IT'S KIND OF ONE OF THOSE

THINGS WHERE I COULD--I COULD BE

SITTING ON THE SAND,

TRYING TO LIVE, OR I COULD BE

OUT IN THE WATER, TRYING TO

LIVE.

AND I'D RATHER LIVE DOING THAT.

>> WHAT WERE YOU THINKING THAT

DAY?

>> I WAS THINKING, "GIVE THEM

WHAT THEY WANT."

>> SO YOU WERE HAMMING IT UP?

>> PEOPLE WERE HUNGRY.

THEY WANTED TO EAT.

SO I GAVE THEM THEIR FOOD.

>> THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

I MEAN, 'CAUSE THAT WAS LIVE

TELEVISION.

>> THANK YOU.

>> WHAT WAS THE SURF LIKE THAT

DAY?

>> IT WAS ABOUT AS BIG AS THESE

WAVES OUT HERE, JUST FULL OF

SWELL.

IT WAS PERFECTLY GOOD WAVES.

I MEAN, I HAD THE SESSION, PUT

A SMILE ON MY FACE, FOR SURE.

>> WHAT KIND OF COMMENTS DID YOU

RECEIVE FROM THAT VIDEO?

>> I GOT THE SPECTRUM OF THE

WORLD ON THAT ONE.

PEOPLE HATED; THEY LOVED.

THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE AROUND

ME, AND THEY ALSO WANTED TO BE

MY BEST FRIEND.

>> DO PEOPLE EVER RECOGNIZE YOU

FROM THAT VIDEO?

>> I WAS ACTUALLY SURFING IN

NEWPORT THE OTHER DAY,

AND I THINK A COUPLE LITTLE KIDS

RECOGNIZED ME.

WHEN I'D PADDLE FOR A WAVE,

THEY'D YELL AT ME, "GET PITTED!"

>> HOW MANY FISH TACOS DO YOU

EAT IN A WEEK?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

WHEN I'M BY A FISH TACO STAND,

I'LL RAGE THAT STAND HARD.

>> IN GENERAL, DO YOU LIKE

SURFERS?

>> YEAH.

YEAH, I DO.

>> YOU THINK THEY GET A BUM REP?

>> 100%, YEAH.

AND A LOT OF THE MOVIES BROUGHT

THAT OUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE,

SPICOLI.

>> "ALL I NEED IS SOME TASTY

WAVES, COOL BUDS, AND I'LL BE

FINE."

CAN YOU GIVE ME THAT LINE?

>> ALL I NEED IS SOME TASTY

WAVES, SOME COOL BUDS, AND I'D

BE FINE.

>> I LOVE IT.

ARE YOU SPICOLI'S SON, BY ANY

CHANCE?

>> NO RELATION WHATSOEVER.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SURF

MOVIE OF ALL TIME?

>> NORTH SHORE, FOR SURE.

>> [laughs]

I CANNOT BELIEVE RICK MADE IT

ALL THE WAY TO THE PIPE MASTERS.

>> I CAN'T EITHER.

>> OH, MAN.

THAT'S NOT MY FAVORITE.

MINE'S SURF NINJAS.

ROB SCHNEIDER, VERY UNDERRATED

IN THAT FILM.

BY BY THE WAY, HURLEY SHOULD

SEND YOU SOME FREE SUITS NOW

THAT YOU'RE WEARING THEIRS ON

TELEVISION.

>> YEAH, WHAT'S UP?

SEND ME SOME SUITS.

>> YOU'RE GETTING--YOU'LL GET

MORE EXPOSURE THAN HALF THE PROS

THEY SPONSOR.

>> THIS IS SUCH A BIG SET.

IT'S, LIKE, TOUCHING THE BOTTOM

OF THE PIER.

>> THAT IS VERY BIG.

IT'S HITTING THE BOTTOM OF THE

PIER.

DUDE!

YOU CAN JUMP OFF THE PIER AND

LAND ON THAT WAVE.

THAT'S MY DREAM.

>> THAT'S YOUR DREAM?

>> YEAH, I WANT TO DO THAT ONE

DAY, SO BAD.

>> DESCRIBE YOUR PERFECT WAVE.

>> JUST A WAVE THAT'S A PEAK,

TOP TO BOTTOM BARREL, MEANS THAT

IT'S--THE LIP BREAKS ALL THE WAY

DOWN INTO THE FLATS.

IT'S HOLLOW, SO YOU CAN RIDE

INSIDE THE BARREL.

>> WHEN YOU'RE DESCRIBING YOUR

SURFING, DO YOU STILL USE SOUND

EFFECTS.

>> ON OCCASION.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ONE?

>> I'D LOVE TO HEAR A FEW.

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.

>> DO YOU EVER GO, "SCHWA!"

WHEN YOU SHOULD'VE WENT,

"KA-POW!"

>> SCHWA!

I REALLY LIKE, LIKE, "BAH!"

LIKE, BAH!

>> WELL, THAT'S JUST--THAT'S--

YOU'RE JUST BURYING YOUR RAIL

AND THROWING JUST CHUNKS OF

WATER?

>> YEAH, THAT'S JUST WHEN IT'S

JUST GETTING RADICAL, YOU KNOW?

JUST GETTING PITTED, COMING OUT

OF THE PIT, AND THEN JUST TRYING

TO HIT THE LIP, THAT'S WHEN

"BAH" COMES OUT.

MAYBE LIKE--

>> RAH!

AM I DOING IT RIGHT?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

>> TRY--YOU HAVE TO START WITH

"B," LIKE--LIKE BAH!

YOU CAN'T--

>> WAH!

>> BAH!

LIKE THAT.

>> WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE PRO

SURFER?

>> BUMMED ABOUT IT, HE'S GONE,

BUT...

>> ANDY?

>> ANDY.

I THINK HE'S GOT A RAD STYLE,

AND WHEN HE FIRST CAME IN, LIKE,

STARTED--STARTED TAKING SLATER

OUT, I--HE BECAME MY NEW

FAVORITE SURFER.

HE HAD A REALLY RAD STYLE.

>> DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

COMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE?

>> I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH

COMPETE--OR WITH CONVERSATING

WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE, I GUESS,

TOO BIG OF AN EGO.

I MEAN, I'LL--I'LL TALK WITH

THEM, BUT ONCE THEY REALLY TRY

TO THINK THEY'RE DEVOURING ON

ME, I JUST--I'LL GO TO THE NEXT

GUY WHO'S INTERESTED IN A COOL

CONVERSATION.

>> WHO HAS BETTER SLANG:

SURFERS OR BLACK PEOPLE?

>> OH, MAN.

>> IT'S LIKE--

>> IT'S LITERALLY--IT'S THE

SAME, DUDE.

>> IT'S THE SAME.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CALLED

A KOOK?

>> OH, YEAH.

I DID THROW MYSELF UNDER THE

BUS.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, SPONSOR ME.

I'M GONNA BE A KOOK RIGHT NOW."

AND SOMEHOW, HERE I AM.

>> YOU THINK YOU'LL SURF YOUR

ENTIRE LIFE?

>> OH, YES, I'VE NEVER FELT

STRONGER OR MORE CLEAR MINDED

FROM ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD.

EVEN, LIKE--IT'S TOUGH TO SAY

THIS ONE, BUT, LIKE, EVEN SEX.

>> I'VE NEVER GOT OUT OF THE

OCEAN AND HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE.

>> I DID ONE TIME.

>> YOU DID?

>> GO FIGURE.

>> DO YOU THINK YOUR LIFE WOULD

BE BETTER IF YOU WERE A MORE

EFFECTIVE PUBLIC SPEAKER?

>> YEAH, FOR SURE.

IT'S LIKE, WHO CAN JUST GO IN

FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE LIKE THAT

AND JUST START TALKING TO PEOPLE

WITHOUT SLIPPING OR--

>> WELL, I'M WILLING TO HELP

YOU, IF YOU'RE OPEN TO MY

PROCESS.

>> WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

- BUT THE PARKIS STILL FLOODED,

SO YOU'LL SEE KIDS OUT THEREAGAIN TODAY.

- YEAH, SOME OF THOSE KIDS TODAYWILL BE MY CO-HOSTS.

- LIKE, DUDE, YOU'VE GOTTHE BEST BARRELS EVER, DUDE.

YOU, JUST, LIKE,YOU PULL IN

AND YOU JUST GETSPIT RIGHT OUT OF 'EM,

AND YOU JUST DROP IN AND JUSTSMACK THE LIP--WHA-BACK!

YOU DROP DOWN,JUST LIKE BAHHHH!

AND THEN, AFTER THAT,YOU JUST DROP IN

AND JUST RIDE THE BARRELAND GET PITTED,

SO PITTED, LIKE THAT.

[laughter]

- STILL SOUNDS MORE INTELLIGENTTHAN ANYONE FROM THE SOUTH.

MICAH'S A PERFECT EXAMPLEOF WHY

I DON'T DO JOKESABOUT SURFING.

IT'S NOT BECAUSEI'M A SURFER.

IT'S BECAUSE SURFERS ARETOO DUMB TO GET THE JOKES.

THAT'S WHY THERE WILL NEVER BEAN ACCURATE DEPICTION

OF SURFING IN A MOVIE--

BECAUSE A SURFER WOULDHAVE TO WRITE A MOVIE.

AND THERE'S NO MONEYIN SURFING,

DESPITE THE FACT THATTHEY WHORE THEMSELVES OUT.

I HAVE NO SPONSORS,

AND I MAKE MORE THAN THE BESTPRO-SURFERS DO IN A YEAR

BEFORE OUR FIRST COMMERCIAL.

MY POINT IS,SPEND A LITTLE LESS TIME

TRYING TO PREDICTTHE NEXT TROPICAL DEPRESSION

AND A LITTLE MORE TIMEON YOUR DICK JOKES.

AND DON'T SURF WITH GIRLS,

NOT BECAUSE THEY'RETERRIBLE AT IT,

BUT BECAUSE SHARKS CAN SMELLA DROP OF BLOOD

FROM A 1/4 MILE AWAY,

AND A WOMAN'S VAGINA BLEEDSTHREE MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR.

THEY'RE FLOATINGCHUM FACTORIES.

THERE'S A REASON THATSOUL SURFER ONLY HAS ONE ARM,

AND I'M PRETTY SURE

IT'S BECAUSE SHE FORGOTTO STUFF HER POON PROPERLY.

KELLY SLATER IS THE MOST FAMOUSSURFER IN THE WORLD,

AND I BET HALF OF YOU DON'TEVEN REALIZE HE'S A MAN. HMM.

IT'S HARD TOLOOK UP TO YOUR HERO

WHEN HE'S ONLY 5'6''.

I'M SURE AS SHITNOT GONNA WASTE MY TIME

MAKING JOKESABOUT OTHER SURFERS.

THOSE GUYS ON WORKAHOLICS ARE MORE RECOGNIZABLE.

[laughter]

MORGAN MURPHY IS LOOKINGA LOT BETTER.

A SPORT WITHOUTBLACK PEOPLE

IS A SPORTNO ONE ENJOYS WATCHING.

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO SEEDWIGHT HOWARD

IN A 20-FOOT DEATH BOWLAT TEAHUPOO?

UNFORTUNATELY, THE BEST ATHLETESAREN'T REALLY BEACH PEOPLE.

HAWAIIANS ARE THE BLACKSOF SURFING.

THEY'RE DARK, ATHLETIC,AND WAY BETTER THAN THE WHITES.

THEY'RE CERTAINLY THE MOSTPASSIONATE SURFERS,

AND IF IT WASN'T FORBRAZILIANS,

THEY'D BETHE BIGGEST ASSHOLES.

THE ONLY THING SURFERSHAVE IN COMMON

WITH THE REST OF AMERICA

IS THEY'RE UNEMPLOYEDAND LOVE CRYSTAL METH.

MICAH'S PROBLEM WAS,HE GOT TOO STOKED,

SO I FLEW HIM HERE.

WHOOSH!

HIS PLANE LANDED.BAH-BAH-BAH-BAH.

AND THEN HE GOT ALL "SLOO"IN THIS WEEK'S

WEB RAH-DEMP-TION!

[cheers and applause]

HEY, MICAH,YOU SEEN VODIE?

- WHAT?- YOU SEEN VODIE?

- WHAT?

- YOU SEEN VODIE?

YOU SEEN VODIE?

- WHO?

- NEVER MIND.

ARE WE GOING OUT?

- OH, I CAN'T, MAN.

I JUST BROKE MY STICK.

- HOW LONG HAVE YOUBEEN SURFING?

- PROBABLY LIKE 14 YEARS.

- WHY WERE YOU BEINGINTERVIEWED THAT DAY?

- UM, I HAD BROKENA SURFBOARD

AND I WAS SURFINGAT THE WEDGE.

- WHY DO YOU THINKPEOPLE LIKE IT SO MUCH?

- 'CAUSE IT'S PERFECTTO MAKE FUN OF.

YOU DROP DOWN,JUST LIKE BAH!

AND THEN, AFTER THAT,YOU JUST DROP IN

AND JUST RIDE THE BARRELAND GET PITTED.

- DO PEOPLE EVER RECOGNIZE YOUFROM THAT VIDEO?

- I WAS ACTUALLY SURFINGIN NEWPORT THE OTHER DAY,

AND I THINK A COUPLELITTLE KIDS RECOGNIZED ME.

WHEN I'D PADDLE FOR A WAVE,

THEY'D YELL TO ME,"GET PITTED!"

- HOW MANY FISH TACOSDO YOU EAT IN A WEEK?

- I DON'T KNOW.

WHEN I'M BYA FISH TACO STAND,

I'LL RAGE THAT STAND HARD.

- IN GENERAL,DO YOU LIKE SURFERS?

- YEAH.YEAH, I DO.

- DON'T YOU THINKTHEY GET A BUM REP?

- 100%, YEAH.

AND A LOT OF THE MOVIESBROUGHT THAT OUT,

YOU KNOW, LIKE SPICOLI.

- WHEN YOU'RE DESCRIBINGYOUR SURFING,

DO YOU STILL USESOUND EFFECTS?

- ON OCCASION.WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ONE?

- I'D LOVE TO HEAR A FEW.

- BAH!

LIKE, BAH!- [roars]

- YEAH.- AM I DOING IT RIGHT?

- YOU HAVE TO STARTWITH "B."

LIKE, BAH!

LIKE, KIND OF LIKE THAT,MAYBE.

- DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEMCOMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE?

- I HAVE A PROBLEMWITH COMPE--

ER, WITH, UH,"CONVERSATING" WITH PEOPLE

WHO HAVE, UH, I GUESS,TOO BIG OF AN EGO.

I MEAN, I'LL TALK WITH THEM,

BUT ONCE THEY REALLYTRY TO THINK

THEY'RE DEVOURING ON ME,

I JUST--I'LL GO TO THE NEXT GUY

WHO'S INTERESTEDIN A COOL CONVERSATION.

- WHO HAS BETTER SLANG,SURFERS OR BLACK PEOPLE?

- OH, MAN.

IT'S LIKE, LITERALLY,IT'S THE SAME, DUDE.

- IT'S THE SAME?

HAVE YOU EVER BEENCALLED A KOOK?

- OH, YEAH,PLENTY OF TIMES.

- DO YOU THINK YOU'LL SURFYOUR ENTIRE LIFE?

- OH, YES.

I'VE NEVER FELT STRONGEROR MORE CLEAR-MINDED

FROM ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD.

EVEN LIKE, IT'S TOUGH TO SAYTHIS ONE, BUT, LIKE, EVEN SEX.

- I'VE NEVER GOT OUT OF THEOCEAN AND HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE,

WHICH IS--

- I DID ONE TIME.- YOU DID?

- GO FIGURE.

- DO YOU THINK YOUR LIFEWOULD BE BETTER

IF YOU WERE A MORE EFFECTIVEPUBLIC SPEAKER?

- YEAH, FOR SURE.

IT'S LIKE, WHO CAN JUST GO INFRONT OF AN AUDIENCE LIKE THAT

AND JUST START TALKINGTO PEOPLE WITHOUT SLIPPING OR--?

- WELL,I'M WILLING TO HELP YOU

IF YOU'REOPEN TO MY PROCESS.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

- OKAY, MICAH,

I AM NOTA LICENSED SPEECH THERAPIST,

BUT I DID STAY AT A HOLIDAY INNEXPRESS LAST NIGHT,

AND THEY HAD THE KING'S SPEECH ON IN DEMAND.

LET'S BEGIN.

[raspberries]- [raspberries]

- MOMMY MADE ME MASHMY M&Ms.

- MOMMY MADE MEMASH MY M&Ms.

- NOW WHILE IHOLD YOUR TONGUE.

- MOMMY MADE MEMASH MY M&Ms.

- AHH!

- AHHHHHHHHH!

[voice shaking]AHH!

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

- SHUT THE FUCK UP, MICAH!

- HOW DOES THISHELP MY SPEAKING?

- YOUR SPEAKING'S FINE.THIS IS FOR ME.

NO, DON'T--DON'T FIGHT IT.DON'T FIGHT IT.

- GOD DAMN CUNT,

YOU MOTHERFUCKER,SON OF A BITCH.

YOU'RE A MOTHERFUCKER.GOD DAMN IT, MOTHER--

SHIT, GOD DAMN IT,MOTHERFUCKER.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHATI'M FUCKING SAYING ANYMORE.

- SURFERS YOUNG AND OLDWAIT WITH BATED BREATH

AS MICAH PREPARES TO ADDRESSTHE GLOBAL SURF COMMUNITY.

- OKAY, MICAH, THE LAST TIMEYOU SPOKE TO THE PRESS,

IT WAS A DISASTER.

- YOU DROP DOWN,JUST LIKE BAH!

- THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READY TOGIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

- YEAH.- OKAY.

TRY TO THINK ALL OF THE SURFERSOUT THERE, LISTENING.

- YOU JUST DROP IN AND JUSTSMACK THE LIP, WHA-BACK!

- JUST SAY TO IT MEAS A FRIEND.

- TEN SECONDS.

- ON THIS DAY,

MORE THAN ANY OTHER DAY,

IT'S JUST, LIKE, DUDE,

YOU GET...

THE BEST BARRELS EVER...

DUDE,

WHEREIN JUST, LIKE,YOU PULL IN

AND YOU SUBSEQUENTLYGET SPIT FORTH

AND JUST DROP INAND SMACK THE LIP...

WHA-PASH!

WHA-PASH!WHA-PASH!

YOU DROP DOWN.

JUST WHOA!

AND THEN, AFTER THAT,

YOU JUST DROP INAND RIDE THE BARREL,

AND GOD WILLING,GET PITTED.

SO PITTED.

- YEE-OOH.

- LIKE THAT.

[exhales]

- "WHA-PASH," INDEED.

[cheers and applause]

SEE, WHEN YOU DRESSLIKE THAT, LADIES,

YOU'RE ASKING TO BE ATTACKED.

NOW LET'S POLL A MEMENTOAND FIND OUT

WHY HER WALK OF SHAMEHAS A LIMP

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

OUR STORY BEGINS45 SECONDS EARLIER

IN A BEAUTIFUL BACKYARDIN RUSSIA.

LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY THINGTHEIR COUNTRY PRODUCES IS RUST.

I BET THOSE CRATESARE FILLED WITH NUKES

THOSE COMMIES WERETOO CHICKENSHIT

TO FIRE OFF 30 YEARS AGO.

SORRY.

IT JUST SEEMS LIKEAN AWFUL PLACE

FOR THAT WOMANTO DO YOGA.

[audience ohs]

WHAT THE FUCK?

DID A POLAR BEARJUST START EATING HER?

[laughter]

OKAY, A RESIDENTIALNEIGHBORHOOD

MIGHT SEEM LIKE A WEIRD PLACEFOR A POLAR BEAR,

BUT THANKS TO COCA-COLA,THEY NOW HAVE A TASTE FOR SODA.

[audience ohs]YEAH.

IN THE U.S.,IT'S THE BLACK BEARS

WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MOSTOF THE INNER-CITY CRIME.

ALL RIGHT,JUST LET HIM EAT YOU.

LIFE THERE IS NOT GONNA GETANY BETTER, I PROMISE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT PARTIS TOUGH TO WATCH.

YOU'RE GONNA SEEA BOTTLE COME FLYING IN.

YOU MISSED HER, YOU ASSHOLE.YOU HIT THE BEAR.

THOSE THINGSARE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.

THERE'S TONS OF PEOPLE.

LUCKY FOR HER, EVERY RUSSIANHAS A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR ON THEM

AT ALL TIMES.

HE'S LIKE, "I'LL HELP YOU.

JUST LET ME POLISHTHIS ONE OFF."

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, SPEED ITTHE FUCK UP, LADY.

IF GETTING MANGLED BY A BEARDOESN'T PUT A PEP IN YOUR STEP,

NOTHING WILL.

THEN WE'RE BACKTO WHERE WE STARTED.

GIRLS, NEVER PULLS DOWN YOURPANTS AROUND A POLAR BEAR.

THEY WILL ATTACK ANYTHINGTHAT SMELLS LIKE A DYING SEAL.

BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE,

THE REAL MONSTER HEREIS CLIMATE CHANGE.

[laughter]

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

- I WANT TO TAKE THIS TIMETO ANNOUNCE

THAT I WAS IN MILAN, ITALY,ON APRIL 28TH, 2011,

WHERE I WAS ONCE AGAINAWARDED

THE LARGEST NATURAL"BREASTSES" IN THE WORLD.

- CONGRATULATIONS.

THAT BBBW IS NORMA STITZ,

AND AFTER SEEING THOSERECORD-SETTING BOOBS,

I HAD TO INVITE HER HERE

TO BE A PART OFTHE ULTIMATE MOTORBOAT.

[motorboating]

NICE.

I FOUND $8 WORTH OF LOOSE CHANGEBURIED IN THOSE BLACK BUOYS.

I DID PRETTY WELL WHEN ITCAME TO GETTING THE DIGITS

FROM THE LADIESAND THE FELLAS.

- I'M KELLY.- HI, KELLY. OH, WHOA, WHOA!

- THIS IS OUR NUMBERAND ADDRESS.

- PLEASE CALL ME.- DON'T RIP IT UP.

- HERE IS THE NUMBERFOR SOMEBODY

WHO'S DOWN FORA SAN FRANCISCO BIRDFEEDER.

- YOU SHOULD COME TOTHE RAGE CASTLE.

- TAKE THIS.- I'LL TAKE IT.

- DO YOU WANT TO BLAZE?

- I'M STILL A VIRGIN,SO HERE'S MY NUMBER.

- OH, I APPRECIATE THAT.

AFTER I GOT HOME, I WASFEELING A LITTLE LONELY,

SO I MADE A FEW DOZEN

REGRETTABLE LATE NIGHTPHONE CALLS.

[line ringing]

- HELLO?- HEY, WHAT'S UP?

IT'S DANIEL.- DANIEL TOSH?

- YEAH, YOU GAVE ME YOURPHONE NUMBER LAST WEEK.

WHAT--WHATWERE YOUR INTENTIONS?

- UM, ANYTHING REALLY.- ANYTHING?

[line ringing]

- HELLO?

- HEY IS NOW A GOOD TIMETO FUCK?

IT'S DANIEL.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON'SCONTROVERSIAL LEAKED NUDES

THAT ARE ALL OVERTHE INTERNET NOW.

SHE GOT HER CELL PHONE HACKED,WHICH IS A COMMON PROBLEM

AMONG SEXY A-LISTERSSUCH AS SCAR JO AND MYSELF.

BUT I'VE DEVELOPED A SOLUTION.

IT'S A NEW APP CALLEDTHE COCK BLOCKER.

rooster: COCK!

- HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

THIS IS THE STANDARDPICTURE OF MY DICK

THAT I SEND TO ALLTHE LADIES.

NOW IF MY PHONE GOT HACKED,IT WOULD BE VERY EMBARRASSING.

BUT THANKS TOTHE COCK BLOCKER...

rooster: COCK!

- AS SOON AS MY PHONE ISTAMPERED WITH,

IT AUTOMATICALLYREPLACES MY PENIS

WITH A MUCH LARGER,MORE HANDSOME PENIS.

NOW, I WON'T BE ASHAMEDWHEN THEY SHOW IT ONTMZ.

THE ONLY PROBLEM

IS THAT I STILL HAVEN'TWORKED OUT ALL THE KINKS YET.

UNFORTUNATELY,THE COCK BLOCKER...

rooster: COCK!

- ADDS A GIANT PENISTO EVERY PHOTO.

THIS APP WILL BE AVAILABLEON OUR BLOG SHORTLY.

THREE APPLES A DAY

KEEPS THE LADIES AWAY?

- ONE, TWO, THREE.

- YOU CANNOT COMPARE THISTO A GUY

WHO DOES THE SAME THINGWITH ORANGES.

[laughter]

THAT'S DANGEROUS.ONE OF THOSE IS POISONED.

[laughter]

FOR SOMEONE EATING SO HEALTHYAND EXERCISING,

YOU THINK HE'D HAVEA BETTER BOD.

ALL RIGHT, ANYONE CAN DO ITWITH FRUIT.

I CAN DO ITWITH A THREE-COURSE MEAL.

WE HAVE AN AWESOME BLOSSOM,

A CHICKEN BREAST WITHA LEMON-BUTTER GLAZE,

AND A CHEESECAKE WITHA RASPBERRY SAUCE,

AND I WILL BETAKING BITES OUT OF THEM

IN THE PROPER ORDER.

ALL RIGHT.

SORRY.

I WAS TOO BUSYHAVING FRIENDS AS A KID

TO LEARN HOW TO JUGGLE.

[laughter]

HOW SCARY FOR ALLTHOSE WHITE PEOPLE.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDSON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTSWE CAN MAKE.

THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR KEVINGARNETT LIVING IN BOSTON.

[laughter]

OF COURSE HE'STHE TALLEST ONE.

[laughter]

GOTTA PROTECTTHAT PURPLE DRINK.

[laughter]

NOW HE KNOWS HOW I FEEL EVERYTIME I GO TO HOMETOWN BUFFET.

[laughter]

I WONDER HOW MANY WALLETSHE LIFTED?

BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKEA CRIMINAL.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DOWITH RACE.

[laughter]

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