May 31, 2011 - The Naked Wizard

  • 05/31/2011

The Naked Wizard gets a Web Redemption, and Daniel hires a pleasure coach.

- HEY. SOME OF MY GUYSHAVE ASKED

IF I WOULD TALK A LITTLE BITABOUT MY SENSITIVE NIPS SESSION.

FOR SOME OF THEM,

IT CAN BE REALLY ALMOSTHOT WIRED TO THEIR GENITALS.

[laughter, audience oohs]

- THIS IS BOB.

[laughter]

HE'S A PLEASURE COACH.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HAPPYI WAS WHEN I FOUND OUT

HE LIVES RIGHT DOWNTHE STREET FROM ME

IN WEST HOLLYWOOD?

EVERYBODYGET YOUR SHIRTS OFF.

TO REWARD YOUFOR ALL YOUR HARD WORK,

I BROUGHT IN MY PLEASURE COACHTO GIVE YOU EACH

AN INDIVIDUALSENSITIVE NIP SESSION.

[applause]- WHOO!

- HEY, EVERYBODY.- HEY!

- BOB'S HERE.- HEY!

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- ALL RIGHT.

- INTERTWINE YOUR FINGERS.AROUND MY HEAD.

[laughter]

- [laughing]LOOK AT THAT...

[speaks indistinctly]

OH, GOD.

[laughter]

NOW, HE'S PRETTY HAIRY.

IS THERE AN ADVANTAGETO BEING HAIRY, THOUGH?

- WELL, THERE'SSOMETHING ELSE THERE

TO GRAB A HOLD OF.

- OH...- YEAH.

- I'M STARTING SEETHE ADVANTAGES.

- [laughing]WELL...

MY GOALIS TO TEACH PEOPLE

TO BE MORE AWAREOF THEIR EROGENOUS ZONES.

OOH, HE'S A HANDFUL.

- NOW, HE'SA SOLID B CUP.

[laughter]

- SOMETIMESAN EXTRA LITTLE PINCH

IS APPRECIATED.

- SOMETIMES...

- EVEN AN ADDITIONAL PINCHIS APPRECIATED.

- OH! THERE WE GO.I LIKE THIS.

I THINKI APPROVE OF THIS.

- YEAH. IT SLIPPED.

[laughter]

[audience oohs]

- OH...

- NICE GRADUAL,GENTLE SUCTION

THAT SOMETIMES CAN MAKETHOSE LITTLE PUPPIES

PERK UP A LITTLE BIT

LIKE THOSE.

- [chuckles]

- OH, THIS LOOKS NICE.

- SO...- OH!

[laughter]

OH!

[laughter]

NO, DON'T DO THAT!

- THAT ONE NEEDS MORE--- RED HURTS!

IT REALLY HURTS.

- IT'S A DIFFERENT DIAMETER.- OH, OKAY.

- READY?- YEP.

- LOOK AT ME.- OHH!

- [laughs]SAY THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.- YOU BET!

- [speaks indistinctly]

- SO WHO'S READYFOR THE ULTRA MASSAGE?

- BOB, THAT IS ME!THAT IS ME!

[classical violin music]

OOH![chuckles]

OH, GOOD.

- MM.

YEAH.- THE ANAL CRANIAL.

- OHH, I LOVETHE ANGLE!

[laughs]

THAT IS--OH!

OH, GOD, YES!

I THINK I'M FINISHED.

I KEEP THINKINGEVERY BIT WE DO

IS GONNA BE THE GAYEST THINGWE'VE EVER DONE,

BUT SOMEHOW WE ALWAYS MANAGETO TOP OURSELVES.

IF YOU WANNA BOOKYOUR OWN ANAL CRANIAL,

AMD TRUST ME, YOU DO,

GO TO THIS WEBSITEAND TELL 'EM DANIEL SENT YOU.

[commotion]

- IT DOESN'T MATTER.

- HIS PENIS IS EVEN SMALLERTHAN LADY GAGA'S.

THAT'S JONATHAN FELCH,THE NAKED WIZARD,

AND HE WAS JUST TRYING TO ENJOYTHE COCHELLA MUSIC FESTIVAL,

A THREE-DAY CELEBRATIONOF OVERRATED BANDS.

REGULAR CONCERTS AREN'TBAD ENOUGH?

DO WE REALLY NEED TO ADD CAMPINGTO THE MIX?

MUSIC FESTIVALS ARE LIKETHIRD WORLD COUNTIES.

TENT CITIESWITH NO RUNNING WATER,

FLOPPY-TITTED TOPLESS CHICKS,AND TONS OF AIDS.

IS THIS BONNAROOOR SOMALIA?

YOU KNOW WHO NEVER GOESTO FESTIVALS?

BANDS WHO SELL A LOTOF TICKETS.

I'M GLAD THERE'S EIGHT STAGESTO CHOOSE FROM.

THAT SHOULD SOUNDFANTASTIC.

WHEN I LISTEN TO MUSIC AT HOMEI LIKE TO HAVE FIVE SONGS

GOING AT ONCE FROM DIFFERENTPARTS OF THE HOUSE.

AND SURE, STANDING OUTSIDEAND ROLLING ON "E"

WITH A BUNCH OF SMELLY HIPSTERSSOUNDS LIKE A BLAST,

BUT NOTHING MAKES A SUNBURNSTING MORE THAN

WHEN BAND OF HORSES IS PLAYINGTHE SOUNDTRACK TO YOUR RAPE.

THE WORST THING ABOUT MUSICFESTIVALS

IS THEY'RE FULL OF THE ONE THINGI TRY TO AVOID--YOU.

I'D MUCH RATHER DRAW A BATH,

PUT ON MY BANG AND OLUFSENSTEREO,

AND LISTEN TO MUSICLIKE A GENTLEMAN.

I'M FURIOUS IF I'M FURTHER BACKTHAN ROW "F".

SO I'LL PASS ON STANDINGTWO ACRES AWAY

IN THE 100 DEGREE HEATJUST TO KEEP BRANDON FLOWERS

FROM EYE-FUCKINGMY GIRLFRIEND.

I BLAME WOODSTOCK.

EVERYONE ACTS LIKEIT WAS SO GREAT.

BUT I SAW HALF OF THAT AWFULDEMETRI MARTIN MOVIE,

AND I BEG TO DIFFER.

PEACE AND LOVE.

MORE LIKE THREE DAYSOF LISTENING

TO A BUNCH OF HAIRY DRAFTDODGERS WINE ABOUT STUFF.

THE ONLY REASON WOODSTOCKWAS NECESSARY

IS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVEiTUNES.

STILL HARDLY SEEMS FAIR THEPOLICE TASED THE NAKED WIZARD

JUST BECAUSEHE TRIED TO ROCK OUT

WITH HIS TINY COCK OUT.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM HERETO PLAY A GAME OF JUST THE TIP--

OR AS HE CALLS IT,FULL INSERTION--

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

- JONATHAN.- WHAT'S UP, MAN?

- HOW ARE YOU.- GOOD, HOW YOU DOING?

- FIRST THINGS FIRST.I GOTTA SEE THAT PENIS.

- WHAT? NO.

- COME ON.I'LL SHOW YOU MINE.

- [sigh] ALL RIGHT.

- LET'S GO IN HERE.

- NAKED WIZARD!YOU ROCK MAN.

- THANKS, BRO.- WHAT ABOUT ME?

- TOSH.0 SUCKS.

- NOT COOL.NOT COOL.

- THANKS, MAN.

- COME ON IN.

- TORNADO!

- I THINK IT'D BE EASIERIF WE BOTH GOT COMPLETELY NAKED.

OH, I DON'T THINK WE'REIN COCHELLA ANYMORE.

- OH, MAN, I THINK WE LANDEDON DOROTHY.

- MIGHT AS WELL STEAL HERRUBY RED CHUCKS AND HER DOG.

YOU SO CUTE.- GO FOR IT MAN.

- NOW THAT WE'RE IN COLORI MIGHT AS WELL INTERVIEW YOU.

- JON, WHERE WERE YOUFOR THAT VIDEO?

- ME AND FOUR OF MY OTHERFRIENDS

DRIVE OUT TO THE FESTIVAL

AND WE WERE GONNA GO SEEPAUL MCCARTNEY.

THE FIRST THING THAT WE WANTTO DO IS GET, YOU KNOW,

THE PARTY FAVORS.

- DRUGS.- YEAH, EXACTLY.

I TOOK THIS STUFF AND IT WASON A Q-TIP.

ABOUT TEN MINUTES LATER,I'M STARTING TO TRIP OUT, MAN.

I MEAN, THIS IS LIKE--- [laughing]

- THIS IS LIKE MORE TRIPPINGTHAN IT SHOULD BE.

I DON'T REALLY REMEMBERWHAT EXACTLY

MADE ME WANT TO TAKEALL OF MY CLOTHES OFF.

I FIGUREIT'S A MUSIC FESTIVAL,

NOT MUCH OF A PROBLEM,RIGHT?

I BASICALLY CAME TOIN JAIL.

- THAT'S GOTTA BE WEIRDTO COME TO IN JAIL.

- IT WAS WEIRD, MAN.

- THAT'S LIKE THE LIVINGHANGOVER.

- I THOUGHT FOR A WHILETHAT I HAD PUT MYSELF

IN JAIL IN MY OWN HEAD.

AND THAT WAS KIND OF SCARY.

- YOU'RE THE DUDE.- KIND OF. YEAH, YEAH.

COME A WEEK LATER, MY FRIENDCALLS ME UP AND HE'S LIKE,

"DUDE, YOU GOT TO GETON YOUR COMPUTER.

YOU'RE ALL OVER YOUTUBE, MAN."

- DID IT MAKE YOU SICKTHE FIRST TIME YOU WATCHED IT?

- IT WAS PRETTY HARD TO WATCH.

PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME,POLICE BRUTALITY, NUDITY,

AND TASERS, AND--- AND YOUR PENIS.

- AND MY PENIS.

- HAVE YOU BEEN BACK TO PRISONSINCE THEN?

- ACTUALLY YEAH.

NOT PRISON BUT COUNTY JAIL.

- DID YOU TRY TO SUE THEMAT ALL?

- I'M NOT REALLY OUT TO MAKEA BUNCH OF MONEY

OFF THE POLICE DEPARTMENT?

- JUST THE SATISFACTION

OF TELLING THEM, "HEY,KNOCK IT OFF, YOU MANIACS.

UNDERSTAND THE SITUATIONTHAT YOU'RE IN AND CALM DOWN."

- AND THEY TASED ME IN THE NECK,THEY TASED ME NEAR THE HEART.

AND THOSE ARE THINGSTHAT ARE AGAINST THE LAW

FOR THEM TO DO.- REPEATEDLY.

- TASERS CAN KILL PEOPLE.

- IT IS IRONIC, THOUGH,BECAUSE MOST VICTIMS OF

POLICE BRUTALITY ARE USUALLYBLACK GUYS WITH HUGE DICKS.

- RIGHT.I KNOW, WEIRD.

WHAT IF THE PERSONTHAT WAS NAKED,

RUNNING AROUND COCHELLAWAS A WOMAN?

- AT ONE POINT I THOUGHTTHAT WAS A CLITORIS.

- OH, GOD, THANKS.

DRUGS CAN KIND OF MAKE YOUSHRIVEL UP.

- HAVE YOU DONE LSD SINCE THEN?

- YEAH, YEAH, I HAVE.

- WELL, YOU GOTTA GET BACK UPON THE HORSE.

- YEAH.

- KIDS, LET THAT BE A LESSONTO YOU.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD TRIP,TRY IT AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

- I'M A FIRE DANCER.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S STOPRIGHT THERE.

BECAUSE YOU SAID FIRE DANCERAND ACTED LIKE THAT WAS NORMAL.

- YEAH.- WHAT IS A FIRE DANCER?

- WELL, I DO JUGGLING,AND I DO POI, AND I DO BATONS,

AND STAFFS.

I'VE BEEN KIND OF A CIRCUS FREAKFOR A LONG TIME NOW.

HOW MANY PEOPLE ON THE INTERNETSAW YOUR PENIS?

- IT WAS PRETTY SOONAFTER THE VIDEO WAS POSTED

THAT THEY STARTED PUTTINGTHE BLACK DOT OVER IT.

- AND IT'S KIND OF APPROPRIATETHEY USED A DOT.

- DEFINITELY HURTS MY GAME,YOU KNOW?

- DID IT COMPLETELY KILLYOUR GAME?

- IT'S NOT LIKE MY GAME WAS ALLTHAT GOOD IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT I MEAN, I'M USUALLYTHE LIFE OF THE PARTY.

I MEAN, I DANCE WITH FIRE.THAT'S KINDA COOL.

- HAS A WOMAN EVER SAID,

"YOU'RE THE BIGGEST MANI HAVE BEEN WITH"?

- NO, DEFINITELY NOT.

- HOW BIG IS YOUR PENISWHEN IT'S AROUSED?

- UM, MAYBE LIKE FIVE INCHES.

- OH, THAT IS QUITETHE TRANSFORMATION.

- YEAH, LIKE I SAID,I'M A GROWER NOT A SHOWER.

- IS IT THICK?- YEAH.

- HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDEREDHAVING SEX WITH A LITTLE PERSON?

- NO.

- MY THEORY IS THATIT WOULD LOOK A LOT BIGGER.

- THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA,ACTUALLY.

- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUTTO GET YOUR OPPORTUNITY.

CAN YOU GUYS HELP US?

- THE WIZARD OF OZ CAN HELP YOUWITH ANYTHING YOU NEED.

- HE NEEDS A BIGGER PENIS,

AND HE'D LIKE TO SEEPAUL McCARTNEY.

I JUST WANT TO GET HOME.

- THEN FOLLOWTHE YELLOW BRICK ROAD.

IT'S A LONG JOURNEY,PAST A DARK GLADE,

PATROLLED BY THE WITCH'SWINGED MONKEY SOLDIERS.

- FORGET THE YELLOW BRICK ROADAND THOSE FLYING AIDS MONKEYS.

GOOGLE MAPS SAYS IT'SFOUR BLOCKS THIS WAY.

LET'S GO, COME ON.

- I KNOW YOU,YOU'RE THAT PUSSY LION.

- NO, I AM AZLAN.

I'M HERE TO CONVINCETHE WIZARD OF OZ

TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRISTINTO HIS HEART.

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

- I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S THERE.

I'VE BEEN WAITINGQUITE AWHILE.

- HUH.

- BEAT IT, JESUS FREAK.

- I AM THE GREATAND POWERFUL OZ.

KOO-KOO-KACHOO.WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- WHOA! PAUL MCCARTNEY,YOU'RE THE WIZARD?

- THAT'S RIGHT, LOVE.

SORRY YOU DIDN'T GETTO SEE ME AT COACHELLA.

[dog barks]

- WHAT IS IT, BOY?IS SOMETHING BACK HERE?

both:JAMES VAN DER BEEK!

- WHAT ARE YOUDOING HERE?

- THE BEEKIS AN ENIGMA, MAN.

YOU NEVER KNOWWHERE I'LL POP UP.

SO...

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- GOD DAMMIT,YOU ARE GOOD LOOKING.

UH, MR. BEEK,I JUST WANNA GO HOME.

HE'D LIKE A BIGGER PENIS.

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,THROW A FEW INCHES MY WAY.

- HE DOESN'T NEEDA BIGGER PENIS.

HE'S HAD A BIG PENIS INSIDE HIMTHIS WHOLE TIME.

- OH!

[audience oohs]

- I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE.

- GET US OUT OF HERE,DANIEL, HUH?

- THERE'S NO PLACELIKE HOME,

THERE'S NO PLACELIKE HOME,

THERE'S NO PLACELIKE HOME.

[dance music playing]

OH. IT WAS ALLA WET DREAM.

- YEP.

- WAS JAMES VAN DER BEEKIN YOURS?

- ALWAYS.

- ME TOO.

- YEAH.

- THE BEEK.I LOVE THE BEEK.

[applause]

audience: OH!

- WE MISS YOU, MACHO MAN.

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK

AT WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYSUSE THE CROSSWALK

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

WELCOME TO THE RUSSIAN DRUNKDRIVING GRAND PRIX

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMIRNOFF.

IS THIS ON THE VERSUS NETWORK

HOME TO EVERY SPORTNO ONE CARES ABOUT?

THIS CAMERAMAN WANTS YOU

TO ENJOY THE 3-D EXPERIENCESO HE STANDS DIRECTLY

IN THE PATH OF ONCOMINGTRAFFIC.

FUCK YOU, PAPARAZZI.THIS ONE'S FOR PRINCESS DIANA.

NASCAR WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER

IF FANS COULD STANDON THE TRACK LIKE THIS.

audience: OH!

- THAT DECEPTICON IS HUNGRY.

NOT SURE HOW THIS RACE WORKS.

DOES THE DRIVER GET POINTSFOR EACH PERSON HE MURDERS?

IN HIS DEFENSE,

UNDER THE TRUCK ISA BIG BLIND SPOT.

HOLD THE PHONE.THAT DUDE IS STILL ALIVE...

AND HIS JACKET TURNEDINSIDE OUT.

HEY, IF YOU DIDN'T GETA PLATE NUMBER

I'M SURE IT'S IMPRINTEDON YOUR BACK.

WE'RE JUST GLAD ONE CAMERAMANWAS SMART ENOUGH

TO STAY OFF THE COURSEAND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

WHICH IS A LIST OF STUFFYOU WANT IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM.

KATY PERRY HAS DOZENSOF THINGS ON THERE--

FLOWERS, SOFT PINK WALLS,A CHEATING HUSBAND.

THIS IS WHATI HAVE ON MINE.

FOUR BOTTLES OF SMART WATER.

WHY? BECAUSETHE PERFORMER IS THE ONE

WHO ACTUALLY PAYSFOR WHAT'S ON THE RIDER.

BUT I'M A PRETTY BIG DEAL NOW,OR SO I TELL MYSELF.

[laughter]

SO I WENT TO TWITTER TO SEEWHAT ELSE I SHOULD ASK FOR.

SOME MOTHERFUCKIN' STEAK.

A 3-D TV SO DERRICK ROSECAN SIT IN THE CORNER

AND FEEL LIKE HEIS IN THE NBA FINALS.

[audience oohs]

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS. L-O-L.

IT'S NOT EASTER ANYMORE.

IT'S GONNA BEREAL HARD TO FIND THOSE

NOW THAT IT'S NOT EASTER.

A BOTTLE OF "YOU SUCK ASS."

AH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT,BUT IF THEY'RE ALL OUT OF THAT,

MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE A GLASSOF "YOUR MOM'S A WHORE."

[laughter]

BALL'S IN YOUR COURT,showARK501.

A SIGNED COPY OF GOOSEBUMPS BY R.L. STINE.

[laughter, applause]

IT'S NOT AN EASY GET.

ROBOT ARMS.

ONLY THE ARMS,

BECAUSE THEY'RETHE ONLY COOL PART

OF THE ROBOTIC SYSTEM.

JACKIE CHAN

AND $500 WORTHOF SOUR WORMS

WITH THE SOURALREADY SUCKED OFF.

DOES JACKIESUCK THE SOUR?

YES, JACKIE SUCKSTHE SOUR.

MEXICANS COOKING YOU TACOSAND OTHER HISPANIC TREATS.

[laughter]

A BLACK GUYTO BLAME STUFF ON.

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

IT'S RACIST,BUT NOT A BAD IDEA.

AT THE DISABLED?

- THANK YOU.

- NOW, NOW, NOW.

OH.

COME ON, IF TRAIN "A" LEAVES

WAL-MART GOING ONE MILEAN HOUR--

GOOD THING SHE SPRUNG FOR THETOW PACKAGE ON THAT RASCAL.

I SEE MOM IS WEARING HERGOING-OUT TARP.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING.

I DON'T FIND THESE JOKES FUNNY.

WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONEIN A WHEELCHAIR

I ALWAYS OFFER THEM A RIDE.

98% OF THEM MADE ITTO THEIR DESTINATION SAFELY.

AND IN FAIRNESS THE GIRLWAS HALF DEAD ALREADY.

[laughing]

ON OUR CAMPUS INVASION.

OUR LATEST SUBMISSIONCOMES TO US

FROM MICHIGAN STATE.

- DANIEL TOSH,WE'RE ALL GONNA TELL YOU

WHY US SPARTAN CHICKS

WANT YOU TO COMETO VISIT US, OKAY?

- HE'S SEXY!

all: [speakingover each other]

- IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY.I CAN'T BE ON THIS.

BUT THE DANIEL FISHER SHOW...- OH!

- ALL RIGHT, WE HAVEN'TPICKED A WINNER YET,

BUT BASED ON THAT VIDEO,

MICHIGAN STATEIS OUT OF THE RUNNING.

YOUR SCHOOL SEEMS AWFUL,AND YOUR GIRLS ARE ANNOYING.

SLAM DUNK CONTEST.

LOWERING THE BAR ISN'THELPING LADIES.

YOU'RE ONLY CHEATINGYOURSELVES.

NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDSON THE SHOT CLOCK

AND TEACH YOU A LESSONYOU WON'T SOON FORGET.

I CAN TELL YOU ONE THING AFATHER NEVER YELLED THAT NIGHT.

"THAT'S MY DAUGHTER."

THE ONES WHO DON'T GET HURTMAKE THE TEAM.

THIS DUNK IS CALLED I'M TOO UGLYTO BE A CHEERLEADER.

THE KIDS IN THE STANDS MUST BEON DETENTION.

THE GIRL WHO WON CRAWLEDUNDER A KIA.

JUST HOLD A BOUNCE PASS CONTESTAND LET'S MOVE ON.

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