July 5, 2011 - Phillies Taser Kid

  • 07/05/2011

The Tased Phillies Fan gets a Web Redemption, and viewers rate Daniel's bakery on Yelp.

>> TO BE FARE IT WAS TAZE A FAN

NIGHT.

THAT'S STEVEN IT'S ILLEGAL TO

HAVE A GOOD TIME AT A BASEBALL

GAME.

I WISH EVERYONE RAN ON THE FIELD

THEY WOULDN'T CUTAWAY.

STEVEN DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU

SHOULD DO WHEN YOU DEAL WITH A

RENT -A- COP.

RUN THEY DON'T HAVE ANY POWER.

>> IF SECURITY GUARDS ARE NOT

ALLOWED TO CARRY GUNS I DON'T

HAVE TO OBEY THEIR MADE UP

RULES.

IT'S HARD TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

IT'S WORST IF YOU'RE A LADY.

NOBODY RESPECTS THE BADGE WITH A

TITTY BEHIND IT.

SPEAKING OF TITTIES ANY

PROFESSION THAT KEVIN JAMES HAS

BLADE IN -- ZOOKEEPER LOOKS LIKE

A ROMPER.

DO WE CARE IF TERRORISTS BLOW UP

THE GAGA DOME, IT'S THE FALCONS?

STEVEN DIDN'T MEAN ANY HARM.

HE WANTED TO BE PART OF

AMERICA'S PASSTIME.

I PAID HIM A VISIT TO SCARE HIM

STRAIGHT IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

REDEMPTION.

>> [BEEP], [BEEP], [BEEP].

>> FRESH MEAT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU IN HERE FOR?

>> TPEUPLY TAZE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU IN HERE FOR?

>> STREAKING.

>> WHAT GAME?

>> NO GAME, MY FRIEND.

STREAKING A PRISON.

[LAUGHING]

>> WHOSE GOING TO GET ME.

[BEEP]

>> YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

>> CALL ME.

>> ALRIGHT, STEVEN, I GOT US

THIS NICE SEEDY HOTEL ROOM TO

UNWIND.

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.

>> A COUPLE OF FRIENDS AND I

WERE GOING TO A PHILLY'S GAME.

DOLLAR DOG NIGHT.

>> DOLLAR DOG NIGHT.

>> YES, IT WAS.

>> HOW MANY TKAUGDZ DID YOU PUT

AWAY.

>> I WOULD SAY FIVE.

YOU HAD FIVE HOT DOGS IN YOU AND

YOU RAN LIKE THE WIND.

DID YOUR DAD TELL YOU NOT TO DO

THIS?

>> I CALLED HIM.

>> BEFORE YOU RAN ON THE FOLD?

>> YES.

>> WHAT DID HE SAY.

>> SON, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT'S A

GOOD IDEA.

>> DID YOU HANG UP THE PHONE

SAYING HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S

TALKING ABOUT.

>> I TOOK OFF AND JUMPED ON THE

FIELD.

I SAW A SECURITY GUARD POINTING

A GUN ON ME WITH A GREEN TIP.

I CALLED IT QUITS, DOVE IN THE

FIELD AND THAT WAS IT.

>> SO YOU GAVE UP BEFORE YOU

WERE SHOT.

>> YES.

>> AT THIS POINT WERE YOU LIKE

THIS IS A HORRIBLE IDEA OR GLAD

YOU DID IT URPLTS I WAS SHOCKED

IT WENT DOWN AND I WAS IT'S

AIRED.

>> WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING

TO HAPPEN.

>> I DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE.

I WANTED TO GET OUT.

THERE.

>> YOU KNEW YOU WOULD BE

ARRESTED?

>> YES.

I KNEW SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN.

>> WERE YOU DRINKING?

>> NO NOT AT ALL.

>> DID HE ASK YOU IF YOU HAD A

HEART CONDITION BEFORE HE TAZEED

YOU?

>> YES.

>> THIS IS THE BLOOD STAIN WHERE

I WAS SHOT.

>> YOU DIDN'T HAVE A TIDE STICK

ON YOU.

>> DID ANYONE TRY TO HAVE SEX

WITH YOU IN THE JAIL?

>> NO, I WAS BY MYSELF.

>> THAT STINKS.

>> ARE YOU BAN FROM GOING TO

BASEBALL GAMES.

>> I AM NOT.

>> YOU CAN GO TO A PHILLY'S

GAME.

>> I HAVE BEEN TO ONE.

>> DID YOU THINK OF STORMING THE

FIELD AGAIN TO LET THEM KNOW

YOUR SPIRIT COULDN'T BE BROKE.

>> WERE YOU SURPRISED THE

STADIUM COPS TAZEED A WHITE KID.

>> YES.

>> YOU DIDN'T KNOCK UP A CHICK

IN HIGH SCHOOL, ARE YOU ADDICTED

TO DRUGS?

>> NO, I'M NOT.

>> WHAT WERE THE LEGAL

RAMIFICATIONS?

>> 6 MONTHS PROBATION, 60 HOURS

COMMUNITY SERVICE.

>> YOU PROBABLY WONDER WHY WE'RE

IN THE HOTEL.

>> I GOT YOU WHAT EVERY --

WANTS.

A NIGHT OF GUILT-FREE SEX WITH A

PROSTITUTE.

>> HELG OH,.

>> HELLO.

>> WHO IS THE LUCKY, FELLA.

>> NOT ME, MY FRIEND.

>> NO, THANK YOU.

>> HE HAS BEEN IN THE CLINICKERS

FOR 8 HOURS.

STEVEN, I HAD HER LAST WEEK.

SHE'S CLEAN YOU DON'T HAVE TO

YEAR A CONDOM.

[BEEP]

>> I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW.

YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

SHOT.

>> WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

>> I GOT YOU SOMEONE TO TAZE.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> WHAT KIND OF [BEEP] IS THIS.

>> [BEEP].

>> THAT'S A HOOKER?

>> YES.

WE WERE HAG WILLING OVER THE

TIP.

YADA, YADA, YAD.

THERE IS A DEAD HOOKER IN MY

TRUNK.

GO GET HIM.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

>> YES, I DO.

>> AND THAT'S WHY COPS SHOULDN'T

USE TASERS.

THEY ARE REALLY DANGEROUS AND

THEY CAN SERIOUSLY INJURY IF NOT

KILL SOMEONE.

>> YA, HE'S DEAD.

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME GET RID OF

THE BODY .

>> RIP THE TEETH OUT?

>> YES.

>> GOOD.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE HOOKER?

>> NOBODY WILL MISS HER.

>> H EL HELP ME SHOVE THIS OFF A

CLIFF AND WE WILL NEVER SPEAK OF

THIS DAY AGAIN.

>> COME ON.

THE KEY TO WINNING A DUNK

CONTEST IS NOT DYING.

>> I HATE TO BE A DICK BUT --

[LAUGHING]

>> HE'S ON FIRE.

THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

YOU SCORE THREE UNANSWERED

BASKETS.

[LAUGHING]

>> SURE, BUT HOW IS HIS MID

RANGE JUMPER.

A MOB OF WHITE KIDS AROUND A

FIRE IN TEXAS IS THE BEST WAY TO

COPE BLACK PEOPLE FROM ENTERING

YOUR DUNK CONTEST.

THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I

LIT A TRASHCAN ON FIRE.

>> THIS IS FOR NOT ACCEPTING

BERT AND ERNIE'S ALTERNATIVE

LIFESTYLE.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER F

FOR GO [BEEP] YOURSELF.

YOU'RE NEXT SNUFFLEUPAGUS.

THE ONLY WAY YOU ARE GOING TO

INCREASE PROPERTY VALUE ON

SESAME STREET IS TO GET RID OF

THE HOMELESS.

MIX UP, LET'S SEE A BOUNCE PASS.

THIS NEXT GUY SHOULD OF BEEN

MORE CAREFUL WHEN HE USED A

HAMMER.

>> OH, LOOKS LIKE THAT LITTLE

PIGGY WENT TO LIVE WITH THE

FINGER.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

GLOVE SHOPPING MUST BE A

NIGHTMARE.

LADIES THAT IS TWO IN A PINK AND

A BIG SURPRISE IN YOUR STINK.

HOW ABOUT WE SKIP THE PINKY

SWEAR AND CROSS OUR HEARTS.

>> WHEN HE GETS A MANI HE ALSO

GETS A PEDI.

IMAGINE WHEN HE DRINKS TEA.

YOU FANCY, HUH.

TURNS OUT YOU CAN GET A STD FROM

FINGER, MYTH BUSTED.

>> HIS HANDS ARE LIKE THE

THIS IS HOW I THOUGHT MARLEY AND

ME WAS GOING TO END.

WHAT'S NEXT?

>> OH!

>> YOU DON'T SEE THAT EVERY DAY.

>> I MEAN A NON ENDIAN GUY

ING AT 7-11.INDAN GUYWORK

>> I'M SURE THIS OTHER ANGLE

WILL HELP CLEAR THINGS UP.

WORKING IN A CONVENIENCE STORE

IS ALMOST AS BAD AS EVERY MOVIE

KEVIN HAS MADE SINCE CLERKS AND

MALL RATS.

LOOK AT HIM TAUNT THAT BALL.

THAT WENT FROM 7-11 TO 9-11 IN

RAY HURRY.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE MY MADE TAKE

OUT THE TRASH.

THE ONLY THING MORE HORRIFYING

THAN THAT COLLISION ARE THE

CHEESE BURGER HAUT DOGS THEY

SELL.

WHERE IS SHE GOING?

COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

A BIG FAT CUCUMBER.

IT'S NOT CALLED HIT AND WALK.

OKAY I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT

IS GOING ON.

IT'S OCEANS 7-11 HE WAS NEVER A

EMPLOYEE AT ALL.

HE'S WALKING OUT THE FRONT DOOR

WITH THE EVERY LOTE TICKET.

HE'S GOING TO LOSE HIS MIND.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE THAT BAD

AT DRIVING TURNED OUT TO BE A

WOMAN.

THIS PROVES IF YOU WORK AT A

PLACE THAT STAYS OPEN

WORST.

>> I HAVE NEVER FELT BETTER

ABOUT BEING ALONE.

WE'RE TAKING COLLEGE INVASION

TAPES.

THIS IS FROM TEXAS STATE.

>> ARE YOU WOPBD ERGS WHAT

CAMPUS WILL YOU VISIT IN YOUR

CAMPUS INVASION.

LET ME GIVE YOU A FEW REASONS TO

COME TO TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY.

>> THEY RIDE

>> I KNEW AT A YOUNG AGE

THAT I WAS VERY DIFFERENT.

>> I STARTED OUT AS SORT OF

A TOMBOY, AND I LIKED TO PLAY

WITH THE BOYS AND I LIKED TO

PLAY WITH BOY THINGS.

>> I BROUGHT MY SISTER'S DOLL TO

SHOW AND TELL.

>> EVERY TIME I WOULD GO ON

THE FIELD OR ON THE COURT,

I ALWAYS FELT OSTRACIZED FROM

THE REST OF THE TEAM.

>> THEY'D CALL ME FAGGOT

AND PUSH ME AROUND.

>> I CAN DEFINITELY TELL YOU--

AND I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD EVER GET

BETTER, BUT IT REALLY, REALLY

DOES GET BETTER.

>> IF I COULD JUST COME THROUGH

THE SCREEN RIGHT NOW AND JUST

GIVE YOU A BIG HUG AND TELL YOU

IT GETS BETTER, I WOULD TOTALLY

DO THAT.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS BETTER.

>> IT GETS REALLY BETTER.

>> EVERYTHING GETS BETTER.

>> I'M NOT TOO SURE.

[laughter]

THAT'S THE "IT GETS BETTER"

CAMPAIGN, AND APPARENTLY IT

DOES, BECAUSE NEW YORK JUST MADE

GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL.

THAT'S WHY I PUT TOGETHER MY OWN

CAMPAIGN TO MAKE YOU AWARE OF

THE PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE CALLED

YOU MAY THINK IT GETS BETTER,

BUT IN ACTUALITY, IT GETS WAY,

WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY WORSE.

>> BEING MARRIED IS LIKE LIVING

WITH A CRAZIER VERSION OF YOUR

OWN MOTHER WHO YOU ALSO HAVE TO

HAVE SEX WITH.

>> THE BEST PART ABOUT BEING

MARRIED IS LEAVING FOR WORK

IN THE MORNING.

>> IT TURNS YOU INTO

A DISHONEST PERSON.

IF YOU WANT TO SNEAK AROUND FOR

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, THEN BY

ALL MEANS, GET MARRIED.

>> WHEN I MET HER, SHE SAID SHE

HATED HER MOTHER.

FOUR YEARS LATER, I CAN'T SPEND

A WEEKEND WITHOUT THAT OLD BITCH

IN MY HOUSE.

>> MY WIFE RAN OUT OF GOOD

STORIES ON THE THIRD DATE,

AND I'VE BEEN TALKING TO THAT

WOMAN FOR 35 YEARS.

>> SHE ENDS EVERY CONVERSATION

WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

STATEMENT LIKE, "WELL, I GUESS

YOU JUST DON'T WANT ME TO GO

WITH YOU."

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DON'T.

>> BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, I

THOUGHT I'D NEVER WANT TO BE

WITH ANYONE BUT HER, BUT I ALSO

THOUGHT 311 WAS A GOOD BAND.

>> WHEN I FIRST MET MY WIFE,

SHE HAD A NICE BIG SET

OF ROUND TITS.

AND 12 YEARS LATER, THEY HANG

BELOW HER BELLY BUTTON,

AND SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY

I'D RATHER MASTURBATE.

>> I'VE STUDIED EVERY CASE WHERE

A HUSBAND HAS MURDERED HIS WIFE.

>> AT THIS POINT IN THE

RELATIONSHIP, I WOULD RATHER

MAKE LOVE TO A ROAST BEEF

SANDWICH.

>> AND IF I DID KILL HER,

PRETTY SURE I COULD GET AWAY

WITH IT.

>> I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WANTING

TO LOOK AT MY WIFE'S NAKED BODY.

>> MY WIFE WANTS ME TO PAY FOR

HER TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL TO

BECOME A NUTRITIONIST.

A NUTRITIONIST.

IS THAT EVEN A REAL THING?

>> SHE'S ALWAYS SAYING SHE'S MY

BEST FRIEND, BUT WHAT SHE REALLY

WANTS IS TO BE MY ONLY FRIEND.

AND THAT'S WHY SHE'S A SHITTY

PERSON.

>> I CONSTANTLY FANTASIZE ABOUT

A PHIL HARTMAN MURDER-SUICIDE

SCENARIO, BUT ONE WHERE I

SURVIVE AND WIND UP DATING

24-YEAR-OLDS FOR THE REST

OF MY LIFE.

>> PROBABLY THE GREATEST REGRET

OF MY LIFE IS WHEN I CAVED IN TO

MY WIFE'S ULTIMATUM AND ASKED

HER TO MARRY ME.

>> AFTER BEING MARRIED, YOU'LL

FIND OUT THERE IS NO PERFECT

ONE.

YOU DIDN'T FIND THE ONE.

YOU FOUND A ONE.

>> WHEN I ASKED HER TO SIGN A

PRENUP, SHE SAID IT MEANT

I DIDN'T LOVE HER.

AND THE TRUTH IS,

SHE WAS RIGHT.

I DIDN'T LOVE HER.

I WAS JUST TOO SCARED AND LAZY

TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE.

>> THERE WAS NOTHING BETTER THAN

THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I COULD JUST

WALK OUT THAT DOOR WITH NO

CONSEQUENCES.

NOW I'M IN A HOSTAGE SITUATION.

>> THERE'S, LIKE, ONE GOOD

MARRIAGE IN THE WORLD,

AND THAT'S THE TRAVOLTAS.

THEY SEEM HAPPY.

>> MY WIFE THINKS AN HOUR A WEEK

OF YOGA IS GONNA KEEP HER BODY

FROM GOING TO SHIT.

SURE, I DON'T LOOK AS GOOD

AS I USED TO, EITHER, BUT THAT'S

NOT MY JOB.

>> THE ONLY REASON I EVEN LISTEN

TO HER ANYMORE IS SO I CAN MAKE

HER LOOK STUPID WHEN SHE ASKS,

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"

>> MARRYING SOMEONE MEANS ALWAYS

PUTTING THEM ABOVE YOURSELF.

I DON'T WANT TO PUT ANYONE ABOVE

MYSELF.

>> WE BOTH WANT A DIVORCE,

BUT NEITHER OF US WANTS THE KID

FULL-TIME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE GAVE BIRTH

TO SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

>> YOU KNOW HOW SHE NEVER SHUTS

UP ABOUT SHIT YOU DON'T CARE

ABOUT?

YEAH, THAT'LL GET WAY BETTER

IN 40 YEARS.

>> I HATE STAYING HOME AND

TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS ALL DAY

LONG.

AND, YES, I HAVE A NANNY,

BUT IT'S STILL A FULL-TIME JOB.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I CAN'T EVEN SAY THAT WITH

A STRAIGHT FACE.

I THINK MARRIAGE IS THE GREATEST

THING IN THE WORLD.

AND IF THE GUY EVER CHEATS ON

ME, CA-CHING!

IT GETS EVEN BETTER.

>> I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR SEXUAL

ORIENTATION IS.

MARRIAGE IS TERRIBLE.

>> IT GETS WORSE.

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WAY...

>> WORSE.

>> GOL, I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER

ABOUT BEING ALONE.

IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW I LOVE

DESERTS.

THAT'S WHY I OPENED UP MY OWN

BAKERY TOSH.DOUGH.

LET'S GO ON-LINE AND READ YOUR

RESRAOUSS.

KATY WRITES: THE YEAST INFECTION

CONFECTION IS MOUTH WATERING AND

THE DOUCHE BAGUETTE.

THIS IS A BLACK FREE ENVIRONMENT

FOR AND YOU YOUR FAMILY.

SHOCKING THE GUY FROM NORTH

CAROLINA IS RACIST.

WE'RE NOT BLACK FREE.

WE EVEN GAVE THEM THEIR OWN

SECTION.

BRANDON WHAT THE [BEEP] IS

YELLED.

IT'S A WEBSITE WHERE GIRLS

DECIDE WHAT YOU SHOULD WASTE

MONEY ON THEM FOR.

OPRAH EATS THERE.

GET THERE BEFORE HER, WHAT I'M

SAYING.

LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH

LIKE HIS SHOW.

SILENT K FROM FLORIDA, YOU CAME

A LONG WAY.

THE BAKERY SHOP IS NOT REAL.

BUYER BEWARE IF YOU SEARCH YOU

WILL NOT FIND IT.

HEY, BUDDY, WE'RE TRYING TO DO A

BIT HERE.

JAY WRITES, I GUESS I DIDN'T GET

AIDS THERE IS THAT.

COME OUT FOR OUR HIS WHICH IS

BISCOTTI, SON THE HOUSE.

IT WAS GOOD THE FIRST TIME I

WENT BUT IT'S GONE DOWNHILL.

NOW I GO BACK EVERY TUESDAY TO

SEE IF THINGS GET BETTER.

WAIT, THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT THE VOICE.

I THINK THIS MANI IS A

PEDOPHILE.

I CAN'T BE SURE.

GOOD ECLAIRS THOUGH.

YOU CAN BE SURE.

THEY ARE GREAT ECLAIRS.

I CAME IN AND ASKED FOR A

CHOCOLATE DONUT AND WAS PROMPTLY

[BEEP].

THAT'S WHY WE GOT A "B" ON THE

WINDOW.

COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.

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