October 18, 2011 - Mushroom Guy

  • 10/18/2011

Daniel pays it backwards with unaired Tosh.0 jokes, and the Mushroom Guy gets a Web Intervention.

- IT'S IN THIS DRIVE-THROUGH

AT THIS STARBUCKS IN LOVELAND

WHERE MORE AND MORE PEOPLEARE PICKING UP A STORY

LIKE THE ONELINDELL GREEN NOW TELLS.

- WE PULLED UP TO THE WINDOW,

AND WHEN WE GET TO THE WINDOW,

THE GIRL IN THE WINDOW SAYS,UH, "THERE'S NO CHARGE TODAY."

- THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF HIMHAD ALREADY PAID HIS BILL.

- IT ALMOST KIND OF TOOKMY BREATH AWAY FOR A MINUTE.

IT WAS SUCHA WONDERFUL SURPRISE,

YOU KNOW,OUT OF THE BLUE.

- GREEN THEN DECIDED TO PAYFOR THE PERSON BEHIND HIM.

- IF I SAW THAT GUY BEHIND ME,

I'D WAIT TO SEEWHAT HE ORDERED

BEFORE I OFFERED TO PAY.

NEVERTHELESS,NICE GESTURES ARE CONTAGIOUS

AND CAN MAKE THE WORLDA BETTER PLACE.

SADLY, I FOUND OUTTHAT BEING UNKIND

HAS A SIMILAR NEGATIVERIPPLE EFFECT.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

LOOK LIKE A RACISTCHRISTMAS TREE.

[laughter]

- CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET MEGO TO WORK IN THIS.

- I THINK YOU LOOK CUTE.

- I LOOK LIKEA STUPID LITTLE BOY.

- SORRY!

[both sigh]

- I LOVE YOU, MICHELLE.

- I CAN'T DO THIS.

THIS WAS FUN,BUT I WAS JUST DOING IT

TO GET BACK AT MY HUSBAND.

HE'S FROM ALABAMA,AND THIS WOULD REALLY UPSET HIM.

BESIDES,WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.

[voice echoes] BESIDES,WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.

WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.

- I LOVE YOU, MICHELLE!

AAH!

[children scream]

- CAN I HELP YOU?

- I WOULD LIKE TWOCHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.

- SORRY, WE'RE ALL OUT.

OUR BAKERHAD TO LEAVE EARLY TODAY

'CAUSE HIS DAUGHTERGOT BLOWN UP AT DAYCARE.

- I'M HAVINGTHE WORST DAY EVER.

ALL I WANTEDWAS TWO COOKIES.

- MIGHT HAVE SOME MUFFINS.

- I DON'T WANT A MUFFIN.

WHAT DID WE LEARN FROM THIS?

IF THE PEOPLEWHO WORK ON THIS SHOW

HAD SOME FASHION SENSE,

THEN THOSE BABIESWOULD BE ALIVE,

AND I'D HAVESOME GODDAMN COOKIES.

- [indistinct] FUCK!

SUCK MY COCK, MAN!

- LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A HOT BODYCONTEST ON OUR HANDS.

SOMEONE JUST SAW REAL STEEL.

TIME TO GO SHIRTS VERSUSSKINS IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

WELCOME TO PHILADELPHIA, WHEREEVEN THE WHITE PEOPLE ACT BLACK.

NOT SURE WHATTHEY'RE ARGUING ABOUT,

BUT MAYBE IT'S OVERWHO GETS THE LAST CIALIS.

YOU HAVE TO BE PRETTY BRAVETO RIP YOUR SHIRT OFF IN PHILLY.

IT'S THE CREAM CHEESE CAPITALOF THE WORLD.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE OVER 50

AND HAVE A FULL-BODYHAPPY TRAIL.

- I'M FROM5TH AND WASHINGTON!

- NOTHING WRONG WITH SHOWING

A LITTLE PRIDEIN YOUR INTERSECTION.

AND HE'S LEADING WITH HIS CHIN.A BOLD DISPLAY OF CONFIDENCE.

APPARENTLY THERE'S ONLY ROOM

FOR ONE MIDDLE-AGEDBALD MAN ON THIS SIDEWALK.

CABS ARE HERE!

THAT'S WHYYOU NEVER MESS WITH A MAN

WEARING BITCHIN'DESIGNER JEANS.

THEY'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.

I GUESS 5TH AND WASHINGTON

IS WHERE A BUNCH OF BIG-TALKINGNANCY BOYS LIVE.

GOOD THING HE'S ALREADY WEARINGHIS PAJAMA BOTTOMS,

BECAUSE THAT LIGHT JABJUST PUT HIM TO SLEEP.

[overlapping shouting]

- OH, FUCK!

- OH!

- SURE,KICKING A GUY IN THE RIBS

WITH POINTY BOOTSIS A DIRTY MOVE,

BUT WHEN YOUR CITY SAVIORIS MICHAEL VICK,

YOU STOP WORRYING ABOUTWHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ENOUGH EXCITEMENTFOR ONE DAY, OLD-TIMERS.

IT'S ALMOST 4:00 P.M.,

AND YOU NEEDTO EAT YOUR SUPPER.

WE'RE JUST GLAD THAT THE BOYSFROM 5TH AND WASHINGTON

NEVER LEARNEDTO BOB AND WEAVE.

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

- 90-102.- GO AHEAD.

- HI.IT'S OKAY.

- AS I'M NOT!AS I'M NOT!

- IT'S OKAY.- AS I'M NOT.

THIS IS THE LAST HEARTBEAT.

- IT'S OKAY.IT'S OKAY.

I--I UNDERSTAND.

- AS I'M GOING TO DIE.

GONNA GRAB MY BALLS.

GONNA GRAB--GRAB MY BALLSONE LAST TIME.

IT'S OKAY.I CAN FEEL IT.

I CAN HEAR THIS ONE.IT'S WEIRD.

EVEN THOUGH I--ON CAM,GONNA GRAB MY BALLS.

KA-PUSH!

- WE'RE GOOD.

- KA-PUSH!KA-PUSH!

THIS IS GONNA DIE, THOUGH.THIS IS GONNA DIE, THOUGH.

- REMEMBER YOUR MOM'SALL WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

TRY TO RELAXSO WE CAN HELP YOU.

- MOM!

- YOUR MOM'S A NARC.

THAT EXPERIMENTAL DRUG USERSTILL LIVING AT HOME IS TIM,

AND HE WASTRIPPING ON SHROOMS.

I DON'T USEILLEGAL SUBSTANCES,

BECAUSE WHENYOUR REALITY IS FABULOUS,

THERE'S NO NEED TO ESCAPE.

BUT IF YOU CAN'TAFFORD A VACATION,

DRUGS ARE ANEXCELLENT OPTION.

I COULD NEVERBE AN ALCOHOLIC.

THERE ARE TOO MANYEMPTY CALORIES IN BOOZE.

HEROIN, HOWEVER,HAS ZERO CALORIES,

AND GIVES YOUTHAT NICE, LEAN LOOK.

BUT ANYTHING BEATS SPENDINGTHE REST OF YOUR LIFE

IN A CHURCH BASEMENT,WORKING THE 12 STEPS.

ESPECIALLY NUMBER NINE.

I HAVEN'T APOLOGIZEDTO ANYONE IN 15 YEARS.

SOME ADDICTS BECOME BORN-AGAINCHRISTIANS DURING RECOVERY.

JESUS MIGHT FORGIVEALL YOUR SINS,

BUT YOU STILL OWE ME1,200 BUCKS.

BY THE WAY,THERE'S NO SUCH THING

AS AN ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE.

OH, YOU MISTAKENLY TOOK16 OXYCODONE

WHEN THE BOTTLECLEARLY SAID 1?

THEN THE REAL TRAGEDYWAS THAT HEATH COULDN'T COUNT.

I'VE WATCHED EVERY SEASONOF CELEBRITY REHAB,

AND IT NEVER WORKS.

MAYBE BECAUSE DR. DREW

IS ADDICTED TO BEINGAN ATTENTION WHORE.

GOD FORBIDHE SHOULD HAVE TO SLUM IT

BY DOING ACTUAL HEALINGWITH NO CAMERAS AROUND.

ADDICTION IS NOT A DISEASE.

YOU CAN'T STOP HAVING CANCER.

YOU CAN STOP SNORTING COKE.

STEVE JOBS HAD A DISEASE.

STEVE-O HAD BAD PARENTS.

TIM JUST MADESOME TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES.

SO I DID WHAT ANYTV HOST WOULD DO.

I EXPLOITEDHIS CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY

FOR MY OWN PERSONAL GAIN,

AND BROUGHT HIM TO THE MOSTTOXIC PLACE ON EARTH

IN THIS WEEK'SWEB INTERVENTION.

[applause]

- HI. IT'S OKAY.IT'S OKAY.

- AS I'M NOT!

AAH!

LAST TIME I SHOOK IT,I GRABBED MY BALLS, AND I--

[breathing rapidly]

- YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

- [speaking gibberish]

KILL ME!

I LOVE YOU,BUT THIS IS GONNA DIE, THOUGH!

- WHERE ARE YOU FROM, TIM?

- I'M FROM APPLETON,WISCONSIN.

- WHAT'S THE BEST THING TO DOIN APPLETON BESIDES DRUGS?

- MY FAVORITE THING TO DO

IS JUST GO FOR LONG WALKSAND LOOK FOR CELL PHONE TOWERS.

SO I CAN AVOIDGETTING REALLY CLOSE TO THEM.

- WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

- I AM CURRENTLY"UNDER-EMPLOYED" AT PIZZA HUT.

- I LIKE "UNDER-EMPLOYED."

ALL RIGHT,TELL ME ABOUT THAT VIDEO.

WHEN WAS THAT,AND WHAT HAPPENED?

- THAT WAS TWO SUMMERS AGO.

I ATE A MUSHROOM,AND MY MOM CAME HOME.

AND I STARTED SAYING A BUNCH OFTHINGS THAT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.

AND ONE OF THE THINGSI SAID WAS "MUSHROOMS."

ANOTHER THING I SAID WAS"I'M GONNA DIE."

SHE CALLED 911.

BUT THEY ALSO HADA POLICE OFFICER WITH THEM.

AND THAT SCARED ME,

SO I WAS LIKE, "OKAY,

I'M JUST GONNALAY DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW."

- YOU WERE STILL NAKED.- OH, YEAH.

- DID YOU GET RUG BURNON YOUR WIENER?

- I DON'T RECALL THAT,

BUT ONCE THE COPS STARTED,LIKE, STRAPPING ME TO TABLES,

YOU JUST DON'T WANTTO DO THAT TO SOMEBODY

THAT'S EATEN, YOU KNOW,ANY KIND OF HALLUCINOGEN.

- DID YOU EVER THINK

YOU COULD BREAK OUTOF THOSE RESTRAINTS

BY MAKINGYOUR EXPLOSION NOISE?

- KA-PUSH!

I THOUGHT THAT THATWAS PART OF

THE WHOLE, LIKE,"I WAS GONNA DIE" THING,

AND THAT THEYWERE ACTUALLY GONNA

SQUEEZE THE AIR OUT OF MY LUNGS.

- DID YOU END UP DYING?

- I THINK I MAY HAVE JUST

CAME INFINITELY CLOSER ANDCLOSER TO THE MOMENT OF DYING,

AND WAS REBORN.

- YOU MIGHT BE JESUS.

- WELL, LET'S NOT GO OVERBOARD.

- WHY WOULDN'TTHEY LET YOU GRAB YOUR BALLS?

- THAT STILL BOTHERS METO THIS DAY.

BECAUSE--I MEAN, EVEN NOW,I'M SINKING INTO THIS COUCH.

- A MAN SOMETIMESHAS TO TOUCH HIS BALLS.

YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.

- I--YEAH.

[speaking gibberish]GRAB A SHOVEL!

- WHY DID YOU ASK YOUR MOTHERFOR A SHOVEL?

- SO THAT SHE COULD, LIKE,HELP GET THESE PEOPLE AWAY,

AND FREE ME FROM THE TABLE.

- SHOVEL IS THE GO-TO.- I GUESS.

- YOU HAD FORGIVEN YOURSELFFOR EATING ALL THE MEAT.

- ALL THE MEAT I'VE EATEN,I FORGIVE MYSELF.

- THAT MEANS YOU'REA PRETTY PURE PERSON,

THAT THAT THOUGHT CAME TO YOUR MIND.

- NAH.

- WELL, I MEAN,IT WOULD BE A LOT WORSE

IF YOU'RE LIKE, "I APOLOGIZEABOUT THAT KID I KILLED

AND BURIED IN THE BACKYARD."

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE BEING NAKEDIN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER?

- ABSOLUTELY.I WAS BEFORE THIS.

BUT I HAVE MIXED FEELINGSABOUT IT.

- DOES YOUR MOTHER NOW KNOW

HOW TO REACTWHEN YOU'RE ON SHROOMS?

- I HAVEN'T DONE THEM SINCE.

- YOU HAVEN'T DONE SHROOMSONE TIME SINCE THEN?

- NO. I'M REALLY NOTBIG INTO DRUGS AT ALL.

- DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSEON YOUR RECORD?

- MARIJUANA POSSESSION.YEAH.

I MIGHT AS WELLJUST TELL THE WORLD, YOU KNOW?

- HAS THAT VIDEO MADE YOUMORE POPULAR IN YOUR HOMETOWN?

- ONLY AFTER I TOLD, LIKE,TWO OR THREE PEOPLE

THAT I WAS COMING HERETO DO THIS.

- THIS IS GONNA OPEN UPWAY MORE DOORS FOR YOU.

- I DON'T KNOW.

- PIZZA HUT'SGONNA HAVE A LONG LINE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

I GOT US TICKETSTO THE LADY ANTEBELLUM

LASER LIGHT SHOWAT THE PLANETARIUM.

- ALL RIGHT. COOL.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- SURPRISE!THIS ISN'T A LASER LIGHT SHOW.

IT'S AN INTERVENTION.

THESE PEOPLELOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY,

AND I WANT YOUTO HEAR 'EM OUT.

- HI, MOM.HEY, DAD.

WHAT ARE THE REST OFTHESE PEOPLE DOING HERE?

- GUESSING THEY'RE EARLYFOR THE NEXT INTERVENTION.

- AND WHYIS THERE A CLOWN HERE?

- HE'S ADDICTED TO SMILES,

AND I INVITED HIMBECAUSE THESE THINGS

ARE ALWAYS SO DEPRESSING.

- SON, WE'RE HERE TODAY

BECAUSE WE WANTEDA FREE TRIP TO L.A.

- WE DON'T THINKYOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

- TIMOTHY, I JOTTED DOWNA FEW THINGS TOO.

YOUR LIFE HASAFFECTED ME IN A WAY

THAT WHEN YOU DO DRUGS,

YOU TURN MY HEARTINTO A BIG, BLACK JELLY BEAN.

- [laughs]

I KNEW IT WAS A GOOD IDEAINVITING THIS GUY.

TIMOTHY, BECAUSE OF YOUR DRUGUSE, I GOT TO SEE YOU NAKED.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY.

AND AFTER HEARINGYOUR PARENTS' LETTER,

I'M NOT SURE YOU'VEHIT ROCK BOTTOM YET.

SO I'M RESCINDINGTHE GIFT OF REHAB UNTIL YOU DO.

HERE WE GO.

- ALL RIGHT,WHAT DID YOU GET?

- BATH SALTS,AIR DUSTERS, AND JENKEM.

- WHAT'S JENKEM?

- FERMENTED PEE AND POO.

BUT DON'T WORRY.IT'S MINE.

- WHAT DO YOU WANTTO START WITH?

- WELL, IF YOU REALLYWANT TO PARTY,

YOU DO 'EM ALL AT ONCE.

IT'S CALLEDA SALTY TURD STORM.

I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

[in slow motion]I DON'T THINK IT'S WORKING.

[laughter]

THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD.

I'M GONNA GRAB MY BALLSONE LAST TIME.

I CAN HEAR THIS ONE.

[grunting]

MOM, GET THE SHOVEL!MOM, GET THE SHOVEL!

I GRABBED MY BALLS,AND I SHOOK.

[in slow motion]IS I'M GOING TO DIE?

THIS IS GONNA DIE.THIS IS GONNA DIE.

[voice echoing]

NO, NO,THIS IS GONNA DIE, THOUGH.

I CAN NOT BELIEVEIT HAPPENED AGAIN.

- DID WE KILL A CLOWNLAST NIGHT?

- UGH.WELCOME TO ROCK BOTTOM.

THINK YOU'RE READYFOR REHAB.

YOU READYTO TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK?

- WELCOME TO REHAB.

- AMY WINEHOUSE?

BUT YOU'RE--

- WE MUST HAVE OVERDOSED.

- SHIT.

ARE YOU DRINKING?

- YEAH.THIS IS HEAVEN.

YOU CAN DRINKIN REHAB HERE.

COME ON IN.

- WHY ARE THEJONAS BROTHERS HERE?

THEY'RE NOT DEAD.

- BECAUSE THIS WON'T AIRFOR FOUR WEEKS.

AND HOW AMAZING WOULD IT BEIF THEY ALL ACTUALLY DIED?

[laughter]

CHOCOLATE AND PEANUT BUTTER,A CLASSIC COMBINATION.

IS THAT EAGLE-EYE CHERRY?

BEEN A LONG TIMESINCE SAVE TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT,ENOUGH OF THE FOREPLAY.

NOW SLATHER SOMEON YOUR DONG.

THAT GUY MAKESA HEALTHY SNACK.

THANK YOU.

THAT REMINDS ME.

MY MOM USE TO MAKETHE BEST ANTS ON A LOG.

AND SHE'D HOLD THE RAISINS,'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE RAISINS,

OR PEANUT BUTTER.

AND THEN SHE'D PUTA SIDE RANCH OUT THERE

WITH SOME BUFFALO WINGS.

"THAT'S NOT ANTS ON A LOG."

YOU MINDYOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.

>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM, TIM?

>> I'M FROM APPLETON, WISCONSIN.

>> WHAT'S THE BEST THING TO DO

IN APPLETON BESIDES DRUGS?

>> MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IS

JUST GO FOR LONG WALKS AND LOOK

FOR CELL PHONE TOWERS,

SO I CAN AVOID GETTING REALLY

CLOSE TO THEM.

>> WHAT'S A STEREOTYPE ABOUT

WISCONSIN THAT YOU DON'T FEEL IS

VERY ACCURATE?

>> I THINK THEY'RE ALL PRETTY

ACCURATE, ACTUALLY.

>> WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

>> I AM CURRENTLY UNDEREMPLOYED

AT A PIZZA HUT.

>> I LIKE UNDEREMPLOYED.

ALL RIGHT, TELL ME ABOUT THE

VIDEO.

WHEN WAS THAT AND WHAT HAPPENED?

>> THAT WAS TWO SUMMERS AGO.

I ATE A MUSHROOM THAT'S

CLASSIFIED AS A POISON IN THIS

COUNTRY AND--

>> PORTOBELLO?

>> WELL, NO.

THIS IS ACTUALLY A DIFFERENT--

DIFFERENT KIND.

IT'S ACTUALLY THE OLDEST DRUG

KNOWN TO MAN.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE

UNIVERSE AND, LIKE, HOW IT'S

KIND OF OUT OF BALANCE AND,

LIKE, THE IMBALANCE IS KIND OF,

LIKE, WHAT MAKES IT MOVE

IN MY MIND ANYWAY.

>> OKAY.

>> I WAS ON MUSHROOMS.

AND THAT'S TOTALLY IRONIC

BECAUSE RIGHT AFTER I HAD THAT

THOUGHT, ALL THIS STUFF

HAPPENED.

I WAS AT HOME BY MYSELF, AND MY

MOM CAME HOME.

I DON'T REMEMBER SOME OF IT.

SHE SAYS THAT I TOOK OFF ALL MY

CLOTHES AND SAT DOWN ON THE

FLOOR, AND I STARTED SAYING A

BUNCH OF THINGS THAT DIDN'T MAKE

SENSE, AND ONE OF THE THINGS I

SAID WAS, "MUSHROOMS."

ANOTHER THING I SAID WAS,

"I'M GONNA DIE."

SHE CALLED 911, BUT THEY ALSO

HAD A POLICE OFFICER WITH 'EM,

AND THAT SCARED ME, SO I WAS

LIKE, "OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA LAY

DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW."

>> YOU WERE STILL NAKED?

>> OH, YEAH.

>> DID YOU GET RUG BURN ON YOUR

WEINER?

>> I DON'T RECALL THAT, BUT ONCE

THE COPS STARTED, LIKE,

STRAPPING ME TO TABLES--

YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THAT

TO SOMEBODY THAT'S EATEN,

YOU KNOW, ANY KIND OF

HALLUCINOGEN.

WHEN I WOULD, LIKE, COME BACK

INTO REALITY AND REALIZE WHAT

WAS HAPPENING, I JUST--

I'M NATURALLY CLAUSTROPHOBIC,

SO...

>> I AM TOO.

I WAS GETTING CLAUSTROPHOBIC

WATCHING IT.

>> YEAH, AND I HATE, LIKE, BEING

STRAPPED DOWN, AND EVENTUALLY

THEY BROUGHT ME TO THE EMERGENCY

ROOM, AND I WAS TOTALLY, LIKE,

BACK INTO NORMAL REALITY, BUT

THEY INSISTED ON KEEPING ME

STRAPPED ONTO THIS TABLE,

AND IT JUST--

IT ABSOLUTELY--IT WAS PROBABLY

THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE,

AND SO THAT'S WHY I THINK IT'S

REALLY IRONIC THAT I WAS JUST

THINKING ABOUT HOW THE WORST

EXPERIENCES IN RICH--

THE RICHNESS OF THE UNIVERSE,

AND THAT'S A GOOD THING.

>> I WILL ALMOST AGREE THAT THAT

WORST EXPERIENCE FOR YOU DID

ENRICH A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

>> [laughing]

>> HAVE YOU WATCHED THE VIDEO?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

I WATCHED THE VERY FIRST VIDEO.

THEY WERE USING IT FOR A POLICE

TRAINING VIDEO.

>> UH-HUH.

>> SO IN A WAY, I'M FLATTERED

THAT THEY'RE USING ME FOR A

POLICE TRAINING VIDEO.

I MEAN...

>> DO YOU GET RESIDUALS FROM IT?

>> NO, I SHOULD.

>> WELL, IF YOU'RE TRAINING

PEOPLE, THERE SHOULD BE SOME

KICKBACK.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> WHEN THEY USE THIS AS A

TRAINING, ARE THEY SAYING THAT

THE COPS DID A GOOD JOB OR THIS

IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

>> I THINK THEY'RE SAYING THAT,

YOU KNOW, THIS IS HOW YOU

RESPOND TO SOMEONE THAT'S REALLY

AGGRESSIVE AND YOU NEED, LIKE,

20,000 PEOPLE TO CONTROL 'EM,

WHICH IS ME.

>> DID YOU EVER THINK YOU COULD

BREAK OUT OF THOSE RESTRAINTS BY

MAKING YOUR EXPLOSION NOISE?

>> KA-BOOSH!

I THOUGHT THAT THAT WAS PART OF

THE WHOLE, LIKE, "I WAS GONNA

DIE" THING, AND THAT THEY WERE

ACTUALLY GONNA SQUEEZE THE AIR

OUT OF MY LUNGS.

>> DID YOU END UP DYING?

>> I THINK I MAY HAVE JUST CAME

INFINITELY CLOSER AND CLOSER TO

THE MOMENT OF DYING AND WAS

REBORN.

>> YOU MIGHT BE JESUS.

>> WELL, LET'S NOT GO OVERBOARD.

>> WHY WOULDN'T THEY LET YOU

GRAB YOUR BALLS?

>> THAT STILL BOTHERS ME TO THIS

DAY BECAUSE, I MEAN, EVEN NOW

I'M SINKING INTO THIS COUCH.

>> A MAN SOMETIMES HAS TO TOUCH

HIS BALLS.

YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.

>> I--YEAH.

>> ARE YOU COMFORTABLE BEING

NAKED IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

I WAS BEFORE THIS, BUT I HAVE

MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT IT.

>> SINCE THEN, HAS YOUR--

DOES YOUR MOTHER NOW KNOW HOW TO

REACT WHEN YOU'RE ON SHROOMS?

>> I HAVEN'T DONE THEM SINCE.

>> YOU HAVEN'T DONE SHROOMS

ONE TIME SINCE THEN?

>> NO. NO, NOT AT ALL.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH, I'M REALLY NOT BIG INTO

DRUGS AT ALL.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE ON

YOUR RECORD?

>> MARIJUANA POSSESSION, YEAH.

I MIGHT AS WELL JUST TELL THE

WORLD, YOU KNOW?

>> HAVE YOU EVER PARTICIPATED IN

THE DARE PROGRAM?

>> NO.

>> FUCKING STUPID PROGRAM.

ARE YOU A MAMA'S BOY?

>> I DOUBT IT.

I HARDLY EVER, LIKE--

I TRY TO AVOID HER AS MUCH AS

POSSIBLE.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I LOVE HER AND

EVERYTHING, BUT I JUST TRY TO BE

OUT OF THE HOUSE AS MUCH AS

POSSIBLE, GET ON WITH MY LIFE,

SO I CAN, LIKE, FOCUS AND BE A

MAN, AND THEN I CAN COME HOME

AND...

LIVE WITH MY MOM AGAIN.

FOCUS BACK ON THE SHOVEL!

GRAB A SHOVEL!

>> WHY DID YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER

FOR A SHOVEL?

>> APPARENTLY, I WANTED HER TO

GET A SHOVEL SO THAT SHE COULD,

LIKE, HELP GET THESE PEOPLE AWAY

AND FREE ME FROM THE TABLE SO

THAT I JUST WOULDN'T BE

STRAPPED DOWN.

>> SHOVEL IS THE GO-TO?

>> [laughing] I GUESS.

>> OKAY.

AND YOU FORGIVEN YOURSELF FOR

EATING ALL THE MEAT.

>> ALL THE MEAT I'VE EATEN,

I FORGIVE MYSELF.

>> HOW MUCH MEAT HAD YOU EATEN?

>> JUST ALL THE COWS THAT I'VE

EATEN, YOU KNOW?

>> AND WAS THAT A RELATIONSHIP

TO COWS' SHIT AND WHERE

MUSHROOMS COME FROM?

>> NO, BECAUSE THESE MUSHROOMS

ACTUALLY GROW IN BIRCH FORESTS.

>> SO WHY WERE YOU FORGIVING

YOURSELF FOR THAT SIN?

>> I'M NOT SURE THAT IT IS A SIN

BECAUSE--

>> I'M NOT EITHER.

>> I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND I SEEM

TO THRIVE ON MEAT, BUT I'VE

ALWAYS BEEN CONFLICTED ABOUT

THAT BECAUSE I LOVE ANIMALS,

AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO KILL

SOMETHING TO EAT IT.

>> THAT MEANS YOU'RE A PRETTY

PURE PERSON IF THAT THOUGHT CAME

TO YOUR MIND.

>> [scoffs] NAH.

>> WELL, I MEAN, IT'D BE A LOT

WORSE IF YOU WERE LIKE,

"I APOLOGIZE ABOUT THAT KID I

KILLED AND BURIED IN THE

BACKYARD."

>> [laughing]

>> DID YOU GET A TICKET OR ANY

JAIL TIME?

>> NO, BECAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY

NOT AN ILLEGAL MUSHROOM.

>> OH.

HAS THAT VIDEO MADE YOU MORE

POPULAR IN YOUR HOMETOWN?

>> ONLY AFTER I TOLD, LIKE, TWO

OR THREE PEOPLE THAT I WAS

COMING HERE TO DO THIS.

>> THIS IS GONNA OPEN UP WAY

MORE DOORS FOR YOU.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> PIZZA HUT'S GONNA HAVE A LONG

LINE.

>> [laughing]

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET OUT OF

HERE.

I GOT US TICKETS TO THE

LADY ANTEBELLUM LASER LIGHT SHOW

AT THE PLANETARIUM.

>> ALL RIGHT. COOL.

- CLARE ORMISTONHAD NO DOUBTS

WHEN SHE WAS ASKEDWHAT SHE WANTED

FOR HER 100THBIRTHDAY PARTY.

- AND SHE SAID,"MM, A STRIPPER."

[laughter]

- GET YOUR ARTHRITIS-RIDDLEDHANDS OFF THE DANCERS, LADY.

WHAT KIND OF ESTABLISHMENTDO YOU THINK THIS IS?

IT'S NICE THEY DIDN'TTELL THE DANCER

SHE'S BEEN DEADFOR THREE HOURS.

OH, IF SHE'S NOT CAREFUL,

THAT QUILT SHE KNITTEDIS GONNA GET MOIST.

MM, EVEN OLD-TIMERSCAN'T MAKE YOU FORGET

HOW MUCH YOU LOVE COCK.

I'D RATHER HAVE A100-YEAR-OLD STRIPPER RIGHT NOW

THAN A STRIPPERON MY 100TH BIRTHDAY.

YEAH.THAT'S HOW I PARTY.

[crank creaks]

[burlesque music plays]

THERE YOU GO.YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

WHOO!

YEAH!

WHOO!

THERE YOU GO.

- THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU CAREFOR A BUTTERSCOTCH, SWEETIE?

- OH.

AW, THANKS TO DEMI MOORE

FOR REPRISINGHER ROLE FROM STRIPTEASE.

I CAN'T BELIEVEASHTON CHEATED ON YOU.

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