May, 14, 2013 - Nerf Hoops

  • 05/14/2013

Daniel desensitizes his African successor; plus, world's greatest Nerf dunker gets a Web Redemption.

DID YOU KNOW THAT LETTING YOURBABY SLEEP ON ITS STOMACH

IS THE LEADING CAUSE OFS.I.D.S.?

- I THINK WE SHOULD GOAND WAKE HIM UP.

- NO, POP,JUST LET ME SLEEP.

- OH, THEY GROW UPSO FAST.

- AND SOMEBODY...

GOT VERY,VERY WET OVERNIGHT.

COME ON, LITTLE GUY,LET'S GO.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE...

[audience ohs]

YEAH, SOMEBODY'S GONNANEED A DIAPER CHANGE.

- KEVIN SPACEYAND HIS ASSISTANT

HAVE AN INTERESTINGRELATIONSHIP.

HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE MADEA WISH ON THAT ZOLTAR MACHINE.

[laughter]

IMAGINE NEEDINGTHIS MUCH SETUP AND BACK-STORY

JUST TO GET AROUSED.

FOR THE RECORD,

I DON'T HATE THE IDEAOF SLEEPING IN A DIAPER,

BUT I DO WANT TO ISSUEA VERBAL CEASE AND DESIST

TO THOSE FREAKS FOR TRYINGTO RIP OFF MY NEW WEB SERIES.

[dramatic music]

[laughter]

[tone sounds]

- EXCUSE ME.I'M BETWEEN YOU TWO.

THANKS.

I'VE GOTA LITTLE ONE COMING TOO.

- WHOO!

HEY, GUYS.

KIDS FLY FREE, OKAY?

I AM AN AWFUL FLYER.

THIS GUY'S PHONE'S NOTIN PLANE MODE.

HEY, THIS GUY'S PHONE'SNOT IN PLANE MODE.

AAH! OH, MAN!I GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC!

- COME ON.

- UH, OKAY.

- COME ON.

- I CAN'T POP MY EARS! I CAN'TPOP MY EARS! I CAN'T POP--

- THERE YOU GO.

- HOW LONG IS THAT LINETO THE BATHROOM?

TOO LATE.I'M SHITTING. I'M SHITTING.

[groans]

- THAT'S ONE BIG ASS BABY.

- I WAS CRANKY BECAUSE TSA

ONLY LETS YOU TAKE THREE OUNCESOF FORMULA THROUGH SECURITY,

AND THAT'S NOT ENOUGHFOR BIG ASS BABY.

THAT GOES INTO MAKING SUREBLACK DON'T CRACK.

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

GOOD LUCK USING A DOORKNOB

FOR THE NEXT COUPLE HOURS,SLICK.

HE IS NOT GONNA BE ASHY AGAINFOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

TOO BAD MICHAEL JACKSON'SNOT AROUND TO SEE THIS.

HEY, I'M PRETTY SURE

WE ALL GOT PUT ON A LISTFOR WATCHING THAT,

BUT IT DID INSPIRE METO CREATE

MY LATESTBACK-ALLEY ENTERPRISE.

FATHER.

- THANK YOU.

- REMEMBER, FATHERS,NOTHING SEXUAL HERE.

THIS IS JUST A WAY TO GETYOUR FRUSTRATIONS OUT.

ALL RIGHT.MAKE 'EM WORK FOR IT.

[dramatic music]

WE GOT RAIDED THAT NIGHT,BUT DON'T WORRY.

THE FOUR OF THEM WILL BEPREACHING NEXT WEEK.

UNFORTUNATELY,WE HAD TO DROWN THE BOY.

- WU-TANG CLAN AIN'TNOTHING TO FUCK WITH.

SCREW YOU, IRON MAN 3.

THE REAL BEST ACTION HEROOF THE SUMMER

IS THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[applause]

A GOOD OLD-FASHIONEDNINJA COP STANDOFF.

50 AGAINST 1.

THEY'D BETTER CALLFOR BACKUP.

HE PUTS DOWN HIS NUNCHUCKS

BECAUSE HE'S ABOUT TO PAINTHIS MASTERPIECE.

[rock music]

TO BE A NINJA, YOU CANEITHER STUDY FOR YEARS

IN THE LEAGUE OF SHADOWSOR HAVE SOME CRACK.

THE ONLY BLACK BELT HE HAS

IS THE ONEHE TIED HIS ARM OFF WITH.

WONDER WHY THE WAR ON DRUGSIS TAKING SO LONG?

PEOPLE WHO ARE ON 'EMPUT UP ONE HELL OF A FIGHT.

BEING A LITTLE ROUGH THERE,FELLAS.

COPS SHOULD KNOW BY NOWNOT TO DO THIS KIND OF THING

TO BLACK PEOPLEWHEN THERE'S CAMERAS.

WHAT, ARE THEY TRYING TO REBOOTTHE RODNEY KING FRANCHISE?

ALL RIGHT, I'M NOT SURE WHAT'SGOING ON HERE, BUT I GUARANTEE

WHATEVER CNN REPORTEDWAS COMPLETELY WRONG.

[rock music]

UH-OH, YOU KNOW WHATTHAT MUSIC MEANS.

THAT NINJA'S GOTA LITTLE MORE FIGHT IN HIM.

[laughter]

I LIKE HIS INTANGIBLES--

POWER, ELUSIVENESS,A CRIMINAL PAST.

THE RAVENS HAVE ALREADY OFFEREDHIM A $40 MILLION CONTRACT.

OH, HOW CONVENIENT

THAT THE FOOTAGE WHERE THE COPSFINALLY CATCH HIM IS MISSING.

- I'M GONNA GET THOSEMOTHERFUCKERS!

- JUST SO YOU KNOW,THERE'S NO WAY

HE'S IN THE BACKOF THAT AMBULANCE

WHEN THEYGET TO THE HOSPITAL,

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

WITHOUT GETTING IN ONE MOREPORCH TIME WITH MEMA.

- TOSH WANTS TO KNOW WHATMY FAVORITE TV SHOW IS.

THE NANNY.

I'VE SEEN EVERY RE-RUN OF ITOVER AND OVER AND OVER.

I KNOW EVERY LINE IN IT

LIKE I KNOW EVERY LINEIN GONE WITH THE WIND.

I LIKE THE NANNY,

I LIKE FRASIER--I LOVE FRASIER.

I LOVE WILL & GRACE.I LOVE WILL & GRACE.

AND, UM, THOSE AREMY FAVORITE TV PROGRAMS.

- I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUTHE MOST AWESOMEST DUNK,

PROBABLY BETTERTHAN MICHAEL JORDAN.

YOU JUST WATCH AND SEE.

[rock music]

THAT HAS JUST BEEN, UM,MY SLAM DUNK LITTLE THING, YEAH,

SO I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

I ACTUALLY DID.

- SHOCKING THATTHE REDHEADED KID

IS GOOD AT INDOOR SPORTS.

THAT'S RYAN, AND HE'STHE ORIGINAL FLYING TOMATO.

23 YEARS AGO, HE LIVED LIFEABOVE THE PLASTIC RIM.

AND AS HIS HOMEMADEHIGHLIGHT REEL PROVES,

HE IS WITHOUT QUESTION

THE GREATEST NERF DUNKEROF ALL TIME.

MICHAEL JORDAN ISA DEGENERATE GAMBLER

WITH STASHES OF SECRET KIDSALL OVER AMERICA.

SO, FOR ME,I'D RATHER BE LIKE RYAN.

IF YOU CAN'T DUNK,YOU ARE MEANINGLESS.

YOU DON'T SEETOO MANY SNEAKERS

WITH A SILHOUETTE OF OLDLARRY BIRD DRAINING A THREE.

POSTERIZING IS THE MOSTEMBARRASSING THING

YOU CAN DO TO ANOTHER MAN.

BUT WE NEED A NEW TERMFOR IT,

BECAUSE NOBODYHAS POSTERS ANYMORE.

YOU GOT ANIMATED GIFEDOR, UH, JASON TERRYED.

THE ONLY REASON I STILLRESPECT MY DAD

IS BECAUSE I NEVER SAW HIMGET DUNKED ON.

YEAH, HE'D LAY YOU OUT.

ADJUSTABLE RIMSWERE INVENTED

SO WHITE GUYSCOULD SPEND A FEW HOURS

AT BLACK GUY FANTASY CAMP.

BUT BEING ABLE TO DUNKISN'T JUST ABOUT RACE.

IT'S ABOUT GENDER.

WHEN A WOMAN DUNKS, IT'S THE TOPSTORY ON JEZEBEL FOR A MONTH.

TRY IT WITH A REAL BALL.

AND I'M PRETTY SURE WEARINGHEELS IS CHEATING TOO.

SURE,THE DUNK CONTEST SUCKS.

YOU'RE WATCHING SOME BENCHWARMERON THE JAZZ' NINTH ATTEMPT

AT JUMPING OVER SHIT,BUT HE GETS A PERFECT SCORE

BECAUSE IT'S 2013 AND EVERYTHINGWE DO IS HASHTAG AMAZING.

SO I THOUGHT IT WAS TIME TOEDUCATE A NEW GENERATION

ABOUT HIS NERFNESS,THE BOY WHO STARTED IT ALL

AND THEN SIMPLY WALKED AWAY

IN A TOTALLY ORIGINALDOCUMENTARY SERIES

WE'RE CALLING 30 FOR 30.0.

[applause]

[dramatic music]

- BY THE AGE OF 12, RYAN WASTHE GREATEST NERF HOOP DUNKER

THE WORLD HAD EVER SEEN.

BY 13, HE WAS GONE.

AFTER ALMOST 25 YEARS,

I WANTED TO UNDERSTANDTHE LEGEND

THAT WOULD END UP SHAKINGEVERY DOORFRAME IN AMERICA.

[laughter]

[rock music]

HOW LONG HAS IT BEENSINCE THAT VIDEO WAS MADE?

- 23 YEARS NOW.

YOU KNOW, WINTERS AREKIND OF LONG IN MICHIGAN,

SO YOU'VE GOTSOME TIME TO KILL.

I WAS JUST TRYINGTO GET CREATIVE

AND, UH, I REMEMBER ONE

WHERE I DID THE, UH,BEHIND-THE-BACK DUNKS

AND THEN, OF COURSE, I'D THROWTHE BALL BETWEEN MY LEGS.

IT'D BOUNCE OFF THE RIM,I'D DUNK IT.

- THEY SAY YOU CAN'T MEASUREGREATNESS, BUT I THINK YOU CAN,

AND HE WAS ABOUT 5'5".

- WHAT'S CRAZY TO MEIS THAT, BY '91,

HE WAS THE GREATESTNERF DUNKER IN HISTORY,

AND I THINK HE WAS ONLY MAKING$10 A WEEK IN ALLOWANCE.

- HOW OLD WERE YOUWHEN YOU MADE THIS VIDEO?

- 12 OR 13.

- HOW TALL WERE YOU?

- 5'3".

- I'VE SHATTEREDMY SHARE OF BACKBOARDS,

BUT WHAT RYAN DID TO 'EM,IT WAS OUT OF THIS WORLD.

- I TRIED TO STEALEVERY MOVE HE HAD.

- HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BEIN THE 1989 SLAM DUNK CONTEST,

BUT LUCKILYFOR KENNY "SKY" WALKER,

RYAN HAD A SOCIAL STUDIES TESTTHAT DAY.

- WHY WERE YOU RECORDING ITTO BEGIN WITH?

- YOU KNOW,BACK IN THE DAY,

JORDAN USED TOPUT OUT VIDEOS,

SO I KIND OF WANTEDTO MAKE MY OWN.

- KIND OF AN UNDERGROUNDSTREET TAPE.

- YEAH.

- LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR HAIRIN THAT VIDEO.

WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GONNAHOLD YOU BACK MORE IN LIFE--

BEING WHITE OR REDHEADED?

- PROBABLY REDHEADED.[laughs]

- JORDAN DIDN'T SHAVE HIS HEADBECAUSE HE WAS GOING BALD.

HE SHAVED ITBECAUSE HE COULDN'T GROW

A THICK, CURLY, RED AFRO.

- THERE WASN'T A KIDIN AMERICA

WHO DIDN'T TUCK HIS SHIRTINTO HIS SWEATPANTS

TO IMITATE RYAN.

- AND FOR THOSETHAT DIDN'T KNOW,

RUSSELL WESTBROOKFLAT-OUT STOLE RYAN'S LOOK,

WEARING THOSE BIG-ASSSALLY JESSY RAPHAEL GLASSES.

- WAS THATTHE HAPPIEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE?

- IT WAS--IT WAS GOOD.TIMES WERE GOOD.

- THE ONLY REASONTHEY CALL DOMINIQUE

"THE HUMAN HIGHLIGHT FILM"

IS BECAUSE WHAT RYAN WAS DOINGIN HIS BASEMENT WAS NOT HUMAN.

- TALK ABOUT THE DRUGS.

- THERE WERE RUMORSOF RIM LOWERING

AND A MOUNTAIN DEWADDICTION,

BUT THOSE CLAIMSARE JUST SILLY.

- WHY DID YOU QUIT PLAYINGNERF BASKETBALL?

- MY KNEES. I HAD A RARE DISEASECALLED OSGOOD-SCHLATTER.

- WHAT'S THE NAME OF IT AGAIN?- OSGOOD-SCHLATTER.

IT'S NAMED AFTER THE DOCTORWHO DEVELOPED IT.

- IT IS VERY SERIOUS.

- I AGREE.

- HE DIDN'T TOUCH A NERF BALLFOR OVER A YEAR,

AND HE STILL SHOULD HAVE BEENON THE '92 DREAM TEAM.

- RYAN ISJESUS SHUTTLESWORTH.

DO YOU THINK SPIKE LEEWANTED TO CAST RAY ALLEN,

A SPOT-UP JUMP-SHOOTER IN THEROLE OF THE BASKETBALL MESSIAH?

NO. HE WANTED RYAN.

HE WANTEDTHE NERF BASKETBALL JESUS.

BUT HE WAS GROUNDEDTHAT WEEK.

HE COULDN'T DO THE MOVIE,SO IT WON ZERO OSCARS.

- WHAT WOULD YOU GO BACKAND TELL

THAT 12-YEAR-OLD VERSIONOF YOURSELF?

- NOT MUCH, MAN.

I THINK I JUST--I DID IT RIGHT.YOU KNOW, I HAD FUN.

- WHO'S YOUR FAVORITEWHITE DUNKER OF ALL TIME?

- I DON'T KNOW TOO MANY.

I MEAN, THE ONLY ONETHAT I REMEMBER

BACK IN THE DAYWAS CHUCK NEVITT.

- BRENT BARRY, A WHITE GUY,HE DID THE FREE-THROW LINE

AND WON THE DUNK CONTESTWITH IT,

AND THEN HALF OFBLAKE GRIFFIN.

- [laughs] I WAS GONNASAY BLAKE, BUT I DIDN'T.

- WE HAVE TO CLAIM IT.

- WE ALL WANTED TO CARRYTHAT NERF BALL LIKE RYAN.

HE WAS SO GOOD,HE HAD ALL THE GIRLS.

- HIS FIFTH GRADE GIRLFRIEND

WAS ON THE ORIGINAL SEASONOF BASKETBALL WIVES.

SHE'S STILL TRYING TO MILKTHAT THREE-DAY RELATIONSHIP.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?

- I WORK FORA PLASTICS COMPANY.

- ARE YOU MARRIED?- YES, MARRIED.

- YOU MARRIEDYOUR CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART?

- YES. I'VE KNOWN HERSINCE THIRD GRADE.

- DID SHE FALL IN LOVEWITH YOU

BECAUSE OFTHE BASKETBALL VIDEOS?

- SHE KNEW THAT BASEMENTPRETTY WELL.

- DID YOU GUYS MAKEANY OTHER VIDEOS DOWN THERE?

- [laughs]

- THERE'S TWO THINGSI KEEP IN MY POCKET--

MY WALLET AND MY AUTOGRAPHEDNERF BASKETBALL BY RYAN.

I HOPE IT'S HIM. IT'S HARDTO WRITE ON THE FOAM.

- DID YOU RAISE THE BARTOO HIGH

FOR WHITE KIDSIN THEIR BASEMENT?

- I THINK I KEPT ITPRETTY LOW FOR THEM.

- 6'6" ISN'T LOW,MY FRIEND.

RYAN, THANKS A LOT.YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.

- THANK YOU.- AND A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

- RYAN WAS A COOL DUDE

THAT DID NOT COMPLAINWHEN IT RAINED.

- HE WASTHE ULTIMATE TRENDSETTER.

- BEFORE RYAN CAME ALONG,

IT WAS JUST MIC AND DRILLSAND FREE THROWS.

- THE NERF HOOP HASN'TSURVIVED THE TEST OF TIME

BECAUSE IT'S A GOOD TOY.

IT'S A $4 PIECE OF SHIT.

IT SURVIVEDBECAUSE OF RYAN.

- RYAN, I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICEYOU HAVE A GOAL SET UP.

YOU GOT ONE MOREIN THE TANK?

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT.

- SURE.

ONE, TWO, THREE...

- I THOUGHT I'D SEEN IT ALL.

EVERYTHING THEY SAYABOUT HIM IS TRUE.

THE LEGEND OF RYANWILL NEVER DIE.

[orchestral music]

[slow-motioned shouting]

[crashing]

- AAH!

- GET THE FUCKOUT OF MY HOUSE.

[applause]

- HE'S STILL THE BEST.

HE'S STILL THE BEST.

- SOME OF YOU HAVE PROBABLYSEEN THIS VIDEO ALREADY.

OH, MY GOD.OH, MY GOD.

YOU GOT ALL THESE COBRAS,AND HE DOES NOT EVEN CARE.

THIS ONE HASTHE BIGGEST BALLS EVER,

NOT LIKE HUMAN BALLS.

NO AMOUNT OF MONEY WILL EVERMAKE ME DO THIS JOB.

FUCK THAT SHIT.

- BLACK PEOPLE ARE ALWAYSTRYING TO STEAL MY STUFF.

- SHAQ'S GOT A SHOWABOUT INTERNET VIDEOS,

CONAN O'BRIEN'S ONE BLACK FRIENDIS HOSTING ONE THIS SUMMER,

AND NOW THIS GUY.

I SAY, LET'S JUSTMAKE HIM THE HOST

OF THE OFFICIAL TOSH.0 SPINOFF.

BUT BEFORE I HAND OVERTHE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM,

I NEED TO PUT HIMTHROUGH HIS PACES.

FOR SOME REASON, PUKING HASBECOME A BIG PART OF THIS SHOW,

AND I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN TO GETHIS RAW, RAZOR-SHARP COMMENTARY

ON WHAT I FIRMLY BELIEVE

IS THE BEST PUKE VIDEOWE HAVE FOUND IN DAYS.

- DANIEL, THIS IS FORYOUR SPINOFF SHOW.

LET'S GO!

[audience ohs]

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

[audience ohs]

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

[audience ohs]

AAH![groans]

WHATTHE FUCKING FUCK?

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

SHIT!

I THINK I'M GOING TOTHROW UP.

[groans]

[audience ohs]

[laughs]

[audience ohs]

DUDE, WHAT THE FUCKIS THIS?

FUCK ME.

WHAT KIND OF SEX IS THIS?

NASTY HARDCORE SEX.

[laughter]

- HE DIDN'T MAKE A SINGLE JOKEDURING THAT VIDEO.

MAYBE HIS HOSTING SKILLSARE BETTER SUITED FOR MTV.

THERE'S A COUNTDOWN CLOCKON MY WEBSITE

ABOUT MY GROUNDHOG DAY,BASICALLY REFERENCING

THAT THE LIFE OF A ROAD COMICIS VERY REPETITIVE.

THERE'S TONS OF SPECULATIONAS TO WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN IT EXPIRES IN 14 DAYS.

HELL, EVEN THE SCHOLARSAT WIKIPEDIA GOT IT WRONG,

SO I DECIDED TO CLEAR UP THEMYSTERY ONCE AND FOR ALL.

THE TRUTH IS, IT WAS A JOKEI MADE UP A DECADE AGO,

MOCKING EVERYONE IN SHOWBUSINESS THAT SETS GOALS.

LIKE WHEN A PRE-FAMOUSJIM CARREY

WROTE HIMSELF A CHECKFOR $10 MILLION

AND PROMISED ONE DAYHE'D BE ABLE TO CASH IT.

THAT'S NOT REAL MOTIVATION,'CAUSE THERE'S NO CONSEQUENCES.

THE WORSTTHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IS,

HE'S GONNA GET TO THE TELLER,AND SHE'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"YOU DON'T HAVE$10 MILLION IN HERE."

SO I UPPED THE STAKES.

I GAVE MYSELF TEN YEARS TOREALLY MAKE IT AS A COMEDIAN

OR ELSE I'D PUT A BULLETIN MY HEAD.

NOW, IT'D BEPRETTY ARROGANT OF ME

TO DECIDE IF I'VE MADE IT,SO JUST DO ME A LITTLE FAVOR.

GO TO OUR BLOG AND VOTEON WHETHER I'M FAMOUS ENOUGH

OR I SHOULD KILL MYSELF.

POLLS WILL STAY OPENUNTIL THE CLOCK EXPIRES.

AT THAT POINT,I WILL BE LEGALLY BOUND

TO GO THROUGH WITHWHATEVER YOU DECIDE,

SO PLEASE VOTE RESPONSIBLY.

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