February 26, 2013 - Courtroom C**k Guy

  • 02/26/2013

Courtroom C**k Guy gets a Web Redemption, and comedian Greg Hahn seeks medical advice.

IT'S "PORCH TIMEWITH MEMA."

- TOSH WANTS TO KNOWWHAT I THINK ABOUT GIRLS

THAT ARE ONLY INTOANAL SEX.

IT'S UNHEALTHY AND I DON'T THINKTHEY OUGHT TO DO THAT.

I DON'T.

THEY NEED TO GET A GOOD DOG.

[laughs]

OOH, I SHOULDN'T HAVESAID THAT.

- YOU'RE GONNA BE HELDNO BOND, SIR,

UNTIL FURTHER ORDEROF THE COURT.

THANK YOU.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.BRING HIM BACK.

SIR, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAYWHEN YOU WALKED AWAY?

- 'CAUSE YOU WERE--

- DID YOU?

- I APOLOGIZE.I WAS OUT OF LINE.

- I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGYAND I WILL, UH,

SENTENCE YOU TO 60 DAYSIN THE BROWARD COUNTY JAIL.

THANK YOU.

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, SIR, HOLD IT.

COME ON BACK.COME ON BACK, SIR.

SIR, I'M GONNA--

SIR, I'M INCLINED TO HOLD YOUIN CONTEMPT OF COURT AGAIN.

I'M GONNA SENTENCE YOUTO ANOTHER 60 DAYS

TO RUN CONSECUTIVETO THE PRIOR 60 DAYS.

- APPARENTLY THAT JUDGEDOESN'T UNDERSTAND

HOW FREEDOM OF SPEECHWORKS.

THAT'S BRIAN,AND WHEN HE SAID

WHAT EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOMWAS THINKING,

HE WENT AWAYFOR A LITTLE WHILE.

JUDGES ARE BASICALLY PARENTSFOR PEOPLE WHO HAD SHITTY ONES.

BEING A LAWYER IS NOTHINGTO BE PROUD OF EITHER.

THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OFTHIS SHOW IS A LAWYER,

AND ALL HE'S DONEFOR THE PAST FOUR DAYS

IS TRY TO CONVINCE COMEDYCENTRAL TO LET ME SAY COCK.

DID IT GET BLEEPED?WELL, THEN HE LOST.

I'M NO LEGAL EXPERT.

I'VE NEVER EVEN FINISHED AFULL EPISODE OF LAW & ORDER,

BUT I DO THINK EVERYBODYFROM THE STATE OF FLORIDA

SHOULD BE ALLOWEDONE OOPSY.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEENREGULAR COURT

AND THE SUPREME COURT

IS THAT THE SUPREME COURT COMESWITH SOUR CREAM AND GUAC.

AND WHAT'S WITHTHE WOODEN PEWS?

PEOPLE DESERVETO BE COMFORTABLE

WHEN THEY WATCH THE GUYTHAT MURDERED THEIR DAUGHTER

GET OFF ON A TECHNICALITY.

IT'S A GOOD THINGWE STILL MAKE PEOPLE

SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH,THE WHOLE TRUTH,

AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.

IF I KNOW CRIMINALS,THEY ARE MEN OF THEIR WORD.

THE BIGGEST PROBLEMWITH OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM

IS THAT "INNOCENT UNTILPROVEN GUILTY" NONSENSE.

YOU KNOWWHO'S NOT BEING ACCUSED

OF UNDERAGE HUMANSEX TRAFFICKING?

AN INNOCENT PERSON.

BUT MUCH LIKEMATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

IN THE LINCOLN LAWYER,

BRIAN DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO ACTIN A COURTROOM.

THAT'S WHY I HAD BULLFROM NIGHT COURT

ESCORT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD FORTHIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

ALL RISE!

[applause]

- YOU REALLY DID ITTHIS TIME, BRIAN.

YOU REALLY DID ITTHIS TIME.

- I KNOW, MAN.I MESSED UP.

- I'M GONNA HAVE YOUOUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.

YOU WANT ME TO PRESS MY B-HOLEAGAINST THE WINDOW?

- THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE BITOF WINDOW LOVE

AND GET ME OUT OF HERE.

- I'M GONNA PRESS MY B-HOLEAGAINST THE WINDOW.

WHICH HOMOSEXUAL NEO NAZI PARTYDID YOU JOIN

WHILE YOU WERE IN THE PEN?

- UH, NONE OF THEM.

- EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT GOT YOUINTO THIS PREDICAMENT

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- I WAS, UH, GOING TOA DOCTOR WHO WAS, UH,

WHO WAS WRITING ME A BUNCH OFPRESCRIPTION MEDICATION.

I WAS, UH, ABUSING IT.

MY DAD WAS, UH, TRYING TO TAKEMY MEDICATION AWAY FROM ME.

I PULLED OUT A KNIFEAND I THREW IT AT HIM.

- WHAT KIND OF KNIFEWAS IT?

- I THINK, LIKE,A STEAK KNIFE, MAN.

- OKAY.

- MY NEIGHBOR SAW IT,PANICKED, CALLED THE COPS.

- TELL ME WHAT HAPPENEDIN THE COURTROOM.

- THE JUDGE WAS JUST BEING A--BEING A DICK.

- SO YOU CALLED HIMA COCK.

- WHEN I WALKED AWAY,I SAID, "SUCK MY COCK,"

AND THEN,WHEN HE CALLED ME--

- OH, YOU SAID,"SUCK MY COCK."

- I SAID, "SUCK MY COCK"AT FIRST.

AND THEN, WHEN I WENTBACK UP, I WAS LIKE,

I'M JUST GONNA THROWTHE WORD COCK IN.

EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOMWAS LAUGHING.

- DID YOU FEED OFF THE ENERGYOF THE COURTROOM

WHEN EVERYONE STARTEDTO LAUGH?

- YEAH, THAT'S WHY I GOTTHE SECOND CONTEMPT OF COURT,

AND I FIGURED I'M SCREWED,

MIGHT AS WELL GETANOTHER LAUGH IN.

- OH! IT'S TOUGH, IT'S TOUGH.YOU WANT TO GO OUT ON A HIGH.

DID YOU UNDERSTANDWHEN HE SAID "CONSECUTIVE"?

- SO IT'S GONNA BE60 PLUS 60, OKAY?

TO RUN CONSECUTIVE.

- HAS ANYONE EVER SERVEDA SENTENCE NOT CONSECUTIVE?

LIKE ONE DAY IN JAIL,ONE DAY OUT.

THAT'D BE, LIKE,JUST A LOT OF THOSE.

HOW LONG WERE YOU IN JAIL FOR?- 33 DAYS.

- HAVE YOU BEEN BACK?- ACTUALLY, I WAS.

BUT IT WAS--INSTEAD OFTAKING PROBATION,

I DECIDED TO DO JAIL TIME.

- IS THAT BETTER?

- I PROBABLY WOULD BE BACKIN JAIL

IF I WOULD HAVETAKEN THE PROBATION, SO--

- GOT YOU.

LOOK AT YOU,PLAYING IT SMART.

DO YOU BLAMETHE HARVEY DENT ACT?

- REFRESH THATTO MY MEMORY.

- HARVEY DENT WAS MURDEREDBY BATMAN.

JUSTIFIABLY, A LOT OF PEOPLEWENT TO PRISON

UNDER THE HARVEY DENT ACT,

BUT IT WAS FORTHE BETTERMENT OF GOTHAM.

- I AGREE THEN.

- ALL RIGHT, BRIAN,

ENOUGH OF THISGETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

LET'S GET CONJUGAL.

- UH, I THINKI'LL PASS, MAN.

- ALL RIGHT,BUT I GOT YOU A RETRIAL

AND I ASSEMBLED A BRILLIANTLEGAL DEFENSE DREAM TEAM.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,I ALSO BAKED YOU A CAKE.

[whispers]THERE'S A FILE IN IT.

[gavel bangs]

- NEXT.

- YOUR HONOR, IF IT PLEASETHE COURT, I'D LIKE TO REMOVE

THIS VERY LITERALGAG ORDER FROM MY CLIENT.

- I'LL ALLOW IT.- THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

WE'VE OFF TO A GOOD START.

- COCK.- [sighs]

- WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?

- YOUR HONOR, I BELIEVEMY CLIENT SAID

IT IS KIND OF WARMIN THIS COURTROOM,

AND I MUST AGREE.

- WHERE'S YOURLEGAL DREAM TEAM?

- HE'S RUNNING LATE.I'M GONNA STALL.

YOU JUST TRYNOT TO SAY COCK.

YOUR HONOR, AND LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN OF THE JURY,

I HAVE HEREA SWORN AFFIDAVIT

CONFIRMING THE STATUTESESTABLISHED

DURING TYSON V. HOLYFIELD

THAT I'D LIKETO ENTER INTO EVIDENCE.

READ THAT BACK TO ME,PRO BONO.

LET'S STRIKE THATFROM THE RECORD.

THAT REMINDS ME OF--OH![glass shatters]

ARE YOU ALLOWED TOTOUCH THE JURY?

I BELIEVE IT WASBENJAMIN FRANKLIN,

A YANKEE,WHO SAID IT BEST.

YEA, THOUGH I WALKTHROUGH THE VALLEY

OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH,I WILL FEAR NO EVIL.

NOW MY PAPPY,GOD REST HIS SOUL--

AND YOU, SIR.

YOU, SIR, WILL PROBABLYNEED MY CARD IN THE FUTURE.

[laughs]JUST KEEP THAT.

- STOP WASTING MY TIME

OR I'LL THROW YOUAND YOU

IN JAIL.

- PERMISSIONTO APPROACH THE BENCH.

- GRANTED.- I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT.

THIS IS A NICE DESK,YOUR HONOR.

WHAT IS THAT,MAHOGANY OR BIRCH?

LOVE A GOOD BIRCH.

MY GREAT PAPPY,ORVILLE REDENBACHER,

CREATED A POPCORNWHERE EVERY KERNEL POPS.

NO ONE IS GONNA SEE THISAS JURY TAMPERING

IF I OFFER THEM SOME OFMY PAPPY'S FINE KETTLE CORN.

- ♪ OH! OH, OH!

[driving rock music]

- MMM.THAT FEELS RIGHT.

YOUR HONOR, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY,

THIS WHOLE CASE IS ABOUT FREEDOMTO SAY WHAT WE NEED TO SAY

WHEN WE NEED TO SAY IT.

IT'S LIKE, HERE, REMIND ME TOPINCH YOUR TITS AFTER THE TRIAL.

THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.

I EXPRESSEDHOW I FELT ABOUT HER.

- YOU BETTER BE GOING SOMEWHEREWITH THIS, MR. DICE CLAY.

- I MEAN, HERE.YOU'RE A WOMAN.

YOU'VE BEEN AROUND.

MAYBE YOU'RE WEARINGTHAT ROBE,

THAT SEXY FUCKING ROBEIN FRONT OF YOUR MIRROR

WITH A LITTLE REDFUCKING TONGUE UNDERNEATH

THAT I COULD FUCKING GRABWITH MY TEETH

AND PULL RIGHT OUTOF YOUR ASSHOLE.

I MEAN,I'M THE TYPE OF GUY

THAT KNOWS HOW TOEXPRESS HIMSELF.

I'M THE TYPE OF GUY THAT,WHEN I'M IN BED WITH A CHICK,

I KNOW WHEN TO USETHE CUNT WORD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OFTHE JURY, I CAN SUM THIS UP

IN A FEW WORDS--HICKORY DICKORY DOCK,

MY CLIENT HAS THE RIGHT

TO CALL THAT JUDGE A COCK.

OH!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- CASE DISMISSED.

- GET OVER HERE YOU,FUCKING ANIMAL, WHAT YOU ARE.

[applause]

- IF YOU DON'T LIKETHAT REDEMPTION,

BUT THE FOUNDATION OF COMEDYIS BETRAYING YOUR FRIENDS,

SO ONCE AGAIN,LET ME PLAY YOU

ONE OF MY PERSONALINSANE VOICEMAILS

FROM COMEDIAN GREG HAHN.

[beep]

[laughter]

I THINKWE FOUND OUR NEXT POPE.

NOW LET'S LEARN WHYALL VALET TICKETS

SAY THEY'RE NOT RESPONSIBLEFOR NAKED DUDES

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THAT HORRIBLENEW DIE HARD MOVIE.

THERE'S STILL PLENTY OFENTERTAINING THINGS

GOING ON IN RUSSIA.

SOMEONE'S ON PCP.

OR MAYBE HE DOESN'T REALIZETHE LAKERS' SUCK RIOT

IS THE NEXT STREET OVER.

HIS DONG LOOKS LIKE IT'S WEARINGONE OF THOSE RUSSIAN FUR HATS.

I DON'T THINK WE'RE GONNAHAVE TO BLUR THIS.

[laughter]

THE PARKING LOT IS LAVA.

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

DO THEY EVEN HAVE KELLY BLUE BOOK OVER THERE

OR ARE ALL CARSJUST WORTH $400?

[laughter]

NEVER FIGHT A NAKED MAN.

WIN OR LOSE, THAT WEINER'S GONNAMASH UP AGAINST YOU.

NOW YOUR SHIRT'S GOTGRASS STAINS AND SKID MARKS.

I'M STARTING TO SEEWHY ALL THEIR WOMEN

MAIL THEMSELVES TO THE U.S.

HEY, I HOPETHAT'S A STRAITJACKET.

WHAT, ARE YOU TRYINGTO PUT HIM TO BED?

HE'S A LUNATIC,NOT A PARAKEET.

IF YOU'RE WONDERINGWHY NOBODY IS AT WORK,

IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NONE.

I'M JUST GLAD GODIS SENDING METEORS

TO DESTROY THAT COUNTRY,AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

>> YOU REALLY DID IT THIS TIME,

BRIAN.

>> [mouthing words]

>> YOU REALLY DID IT THIS TIME.

>> I KNOW, MAN.

I MESSED UP.

>> I'M GONNA HAVE YOU

OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.

YOU WANT ME TO PRESS MY B-HOLE

AGAINST THE WINDOW?

>> OH, MAN, THAT'S--

THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT

OF WINDOW LOVING.

>> I'M GONNA PRESS MY B-HOLE

AGAINST THE WINDOW.

BEFORE WE BEGIN,

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH,

THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING

BUT THE TRUTH?

>> YES, I DO.

>> WHICH HOMOSEXUAL NEO-NAZI

PARTY DID YOU JOIN WHILE YOU

WERE IN THE PEN?

>> UH, NONE OF 'EM.

>> DID AN OLD BLACK MAN

WITH NO CHANCE OF PAROLE

TAKE YOU UNDER HIS WING?

>> UH, NO.

>> ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY?

>> NAH.

>> DO YOU HAVE A FORM

OF TOURETTE'S?

>> NO, BUT THAT'D BE

A GOOD EXCUSE FOR WHAT HAPPENED.

>> YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, BRIAN,

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA.

>> FLORIDA, MAN.

>> CAN'T STAY OUT OF TROUBLE

DOWN THERE.

>> I LOVE FLORIDA.

EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT GOT YOU

INTO THIS PREDICAMENT

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

>> I WAS GOING TO A DOCTOR

WHO WAS WRITING ME A BUNCH

OF PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION.

I WAS, UH, ABUSING IT.

MY DAD WAS TRYING TO TAKE

MY MEDICATION AWAY FROM ME.

I PULLED OUT A KNIFE,

AND I THREW IT AT HIM.

>> WHAT KIND OF KNIFE WAS IT?

>> I THINK, LIKE,

A STEAK KNIFE, MAN.

>> OKAY.

>> MY NEIGHBORS SAW IT,

PANICKED, CALLED THE COPS.

>> TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

IN THE COURTROOM.

>> THEY LAID SOME

NEW CHARGES ON ME.

I WENT FROM HAVING A BATTERY

CHARGE TO AN AGGRAVATED ASSAULT

WITH A DEADLY WEAPON,

AND THE JUDGE WAS JUST BEING A--

BEING A DICK.

>> SO YOU CALLED HIM A COCK.

>> WHEN HE WALKED AWAY, I SAID,

"SUCK MY COCK," AND THEN

WHEN HE CALLED ME BACK--

>> OH, YOU SAID, "SUCK MY COCK."

>> I SAID, "SUCK MY COCK,"

AT FIRST, AND THEN WHEN I WENT

BACK UP, I WAS LIKE, "I'M JUST

GONNA THROW THE WORD 'COCK' IN."

SO I WENT WITH THAT METHOD,

AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT SO GOOD.

EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM'S

LAUGHING.

>> DID YOU--DID YOU FEED

OFF THE ENERGY OF THE COURTROOM

WHEN EVERYONE STARTED TO LAUGH?

>> YEAH, THAT'S WHY I GOT

THE SECOND CONTEMPT OF COURT.

LIKE, I FIGURED I'M SCREWED,

MIGHT AS WELL GET

ANOTHER LAUGH IN.

>> OH!

YOU KNOW, IT'S TOUGH.

IT'S TOUGH.

YOU WANT TO GO OUT ON A HIGH.

BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T LIKE

HIS CONDESCENDING,

"GET HIM BACK HERE."

KIND OF GO--WHO DOES THAT?

>> YEAH.

>> AND THAT'S WHEN HE'S LIKE,

"GET HIM BACK HERE."

THEN HE KEPT DOING THAT--

>> YEAH, IT IS KIND OF RUDE

TO POINT.

>> DID YOU MEAN TO SAY,

"YOU'RE BEING A COCK,

YOUR HONOR"?

>> NO, BUT NOW THAT I THINK

OF IT, THAT SOUNDS

A LITTLE BIT MORE POLITE.

MAYBE HE WOULD'VE HAD

A LITTLE BIT MORE, UH,

PITY ON ME.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE

DONE FOR THE SECOND ONE.

>> YEAH.

>> DID YOU UNDERSTAND

WHEN HE SAID "CONSECUTIVE"?

>> SO IT'S GONNA BE 60 PLUS 60,

OKAY, TO RUN CONSECUTIVE.

THANK YOU.

>> HAS ANYONE EVER SERVED

A SENTENCE NOT CONSECUTIVE,

LIKE, ONE DAY IN JAIL,

ONE DAY OUT?

I'D BE LIKE...

[sighs]

JUST A LOT OF THOSE.

WHAT WAS YOUR ATTORNEY DOING

WHILE YOU KEPT CALLING

THE JUDGE A COCK?

>> HE WAS JUST LOOKING AROUND

THE ROOM LIKE HE DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT TO DO.

HE ACTUALLY GOT FIRED.

>> BECAUSE HE DID A POOR JOB?

>> HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COVER

THE MICROPHONE,

AND HE DIDN'T DO IT.

>> HOW LONG WERE YOU

IN JAIL FOR?

>> 33 DAYS.

>> 33 DAYS.

DID YOU PLOT YOUR REVENGE THE

WHOLE TIME YOU WERE IN PRISON?

>> NOT REALLY.

FOR THE FIRST WEEK,

I WAS IN THE INFIRMARY

BECAUSE I WAS COMING OFF

OF XANAX, SO THAT WAS

KIND OF A BLUR.

THE REST OF THE TIME,

I JUST READ AND EXERCISED.

>> CARDIO?

>> A LITTLE BIT OF CARDIO--

PULL-UPS MOSTLY.

>> I DON'T CONSIDER PULL-UPS

CARDIO.

>> UH, YEAH--

>> THAT'S A FULL BODY WORKOUT.

YOU DO--DO YOU DO A WIDE GRIP,

OR DO YOU NARROW?

>> WIDE.

>> I DO WIDE AS WELL.

HOW ABOUT SHITTING IN PUBLIC?

HOW'S THAT WORK OUT?

>> UH, IT'S SOMETHING

YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO.

YOU PUT A SHEET IN FRONT OF IT

AND GET EVERYONE TO GET OUT

OF THE ROOM.

>> HOW MANY PEOPLE

WERE IN YOUR CELL?

>> UH, AT THAT TIME, THREE.

>> AND YOU ASK THEM TO LEAVE

WHILE YOU POOP?

>> YEAH.

>> DO THEY RESPECT THAT RULE?

>> UH, PRETTY MUCH, MAN.

NO ONE WANTS TO SIT IN THERE

AND SMELL ANYONE'S SHIT.

>> I GOT YOU.

UH, HAVE YOU BEEN BACK?

>> UH, ACTUALLY, I WAS,

BUT IT WAS, INSTEAD OF TAKING

PROBATION, I DECIDED

TO DO JAIL TIME.

>> IS THAT BETTER?

>> UH, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE BEEN

BACK IN JAIL IF I WOULD'VE TAKEN

THE PROBATION, SO...

>> GOT YOU.

LOOK AT YOU, PLAYING IT SMART.

WHY IS FLORIDA SO FULL

OF FUCKUPS?

>> UH, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT

WE'RE GOOD AT, MAN.

>> I'M FROM FLORIDA.

>> WELL, YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW,

MAN.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO,

I'M A FUCKUP TOO, JUST--

NAME ALL NINE JUSTICES

ON THE SUPREME COURT.

>> THE ACTUAL NAMES

OR THE POSITIONS?

>> WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE TV JUDGE?

LIKE, JUDGE JUDY...

>> OH, JUDGE JUDY, UH...

>> JUDGE SIMON COWELL

ON THE X FACTOR.

>> BUT ISN'T NICKI MINAJ

ON THAT NOW?

>> DO YOU LIKE NICKI MINAJ?

>> NO, NOT REALLY.

>> WHAT KIND OF MUSIC

DO YOU LIKE?

>> UH, REGGAE.

>> REGGAE?

>> LOVE THE REGGAE.

>> HUH.

DO YOU KNOW MY BROTHER PETER?

>> PETER, NO.

>> TOSH?

>> NO.

>> OH.

DO YOU BLAME

THE HARVEY DENT ACT?

>> REFRESH THAT TO MY MEMORY.

>> HARVEY DENT WAS MURDERED

BY BATMAN.

JUSTIFIABLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE

WENT TO PRISON

UNDER THE HARVEY DENT ACT,

BUT IT WAS FOR THE BETTERMENT

OF GOTHAM.

>> I AGREE, THEN.

>> WERE YOU SURPRISED

THAT THE VIDEO BECAME POPULAR?

>> UH, YEAH.

I HAD PEOPLE WRITING ME LETTERS

WHEN I WAS INCARCERATED,

SAYING THAT IT WAS AWESOME.

>> DID IT GIVE YOU A LOT

OF STREET CRED IN THE PEN?

>> IT DEFINITELY DID.

EVERY--I'M A SMALL GUY.

I'M 5'2".

EVERYONE RESPECTED ME.

>> IS THAT JUDGE STILL WORKING?

>> UH, YEAH.

FROM WHAT I HEAR, HE'S ACTUALLY

A GOOD JUDGE.

>> WHAT MAKES A GOOD JUDGE?

>> PEOPLE GET DUIs.

HE DOESN'T MAKE THEM BOND OUT.

HE RELEASES THEM ON THEIR OWN

"RECONSCIOUSNESS" AND...

>> IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE

YOU WANTED TO TELL THAT JUDGE

THAT YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE

TO TELL HIM?

>> I'M DEFINITELY NOT GONNA

APOLOGIZE TO HIM IF I EVER RUN

INTO HIM ON THE STREETS.

>> I MEAN, I THINK THAT'S

THE LESSON THAT SHOULD BE

LEARNED.

>> YEAH.

>> GO OUT IN A BLAZE.

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

I TRY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN,

EVEN THOUGH THEY STUCK IT TO ME.

>> WE SHOULD GET HIS PHONE

NUMBER AND SEND HIM A PICTURE

OF OUR COCKS.

[both chuckling]

ALL RIGHT, BRIAN, ENOUGH OF THIS

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

LET'S GET CONJUGAL.

>> UH, I THINK I'LL PASS, MAN.

>> ALL RIGHT,

BUT I GOT YOU A RETRIAL,

AND I ASSEMBLED A BRILLIANT

LEGAL DEFENSE DREAM TEAM.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,

I ALSO BAKED YOU A CAKE.

>> NICE.

>> [whispering] THERE'S A FILE

IN IT--SHH.

I INVENTED A NEW GAME CALLEDSPORTS OR CONSEQUENCES,

AND SINCE WRITING FRESH CONTENTEACH WEEK IS HARD,

I ASKED YOU GUYSTO SEND IN YOUR OWN.

- THIS ISSPORTS AND CONSEQUENCES.

- OH, GOD.

- A RUBBER BAND SNAPTO THE NIPPLES.

[laughter]

- WHOO!

- OH!

- TWO, THREE...- AAH!

[audience ohs]

- POWER WASH!POWER WASH!

- THERE'S A STATE PATROLBEHIND US.

STATE TROOPER.UH-OH.

- THOSE LAST TWO IDIOTSDID SUCH A GOOD JOB,

THEY GOT ARRESTED.

WHILE I FULLY ENJOYAND SUPPORT WHAT THEY DID,

I DO NOT CONDONE IT.

THAT'S AN IMPORTANTDISTINCTION.

- IT'S ABOUT THE PRETTIEST TIMEOF YEAR, THOUGH.

I MEAN, THOSE--THOSE TREESJUST LOOK--LOOK SO NICE

AND, YOU KNOW, I LOVE TO GETALL THOSE NICE COVERS OUT THERE.

[laughter]

- THANKS, GUYS.

- UH-OH.THAT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.

WHO HERE HASN'TACCIDENTALLY CALLED

ONE OF THEIR CO-WORKERSCOLORED?

IN THIS HYPERSENSITIVEDAY AND AGE,

IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHO WILL BEOFFENDED BY WHAT,

SO I CAME UP WITH A LIST OFBRAND NEW TERMS

THAT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RACIALCONNOTATION WHATSOEVER,

AND TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE SAFE,I FIELD-TESTED THEM

WITH AN EXTREMELY DIVERSEFOCUS GROUP.

IT'S TIME FOR"IS IT RACIST?"

THANK YOU, GUYS,FOR COMING.

I WOULD LIKE YOU JUSTTO RAISE YOUR HAND

WHENEVER YOU FEELTHE TERM I USE IS OFFENSIVE.

CREAM JOCKEY.OKAY.

WATER FLAPS.

HERE COMES A PACK OF WATERFLAPS. LOCK UP YOUR DOGS.

- UH-OH.NOW THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.

YEAH, THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.- OKAY, OKAY.

SUGAR TASTER.- THAT'S A LITTLE OFFENSIVE.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK"SUGAR TASTER" MEANS?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINKTHAT HE TASTES SUGAR.

- WHY DO YOU KEEP POINTINGTO THE BLACK PERSON?

- THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.- THEY--

- "THEY"?

SADDLE SHINS.

- "SADDLE SHIN"?WHAT THAT MEAN?

- A BUNCH OF STINKIN'SADDLE SHINS.

- USE IN SENTENCE.- I JUST DID.

- THAT WAS SENTENCE?- YES.

CLINK-CLUNK.

- "CLINK-CLUNK"?

- CLINK-CLUNK.

- HEY, WE--WE DID THE RAILROADAND WE DID ALL THAT WORK,

AND THEN YOU COME BACKTO USE THIS KIND OF TERM?

- OKAY, THAT--IT'S NOTDIRECTED TOWARD ANYONE.

IT'S JUSTTHE WORD CLINK-CLUNK.

- WELL, I DON'T LIKE IT.- IT SOUNDS KIND OF OFFENSIVE.

- OKAY, OKAY. THIS ISALL GOOD RESEARCH, GUYS.

THANK YOU.

BISCUIT-NECK.

GOD HELP US IF WE EVERHAVE A BISCUIT-NECK

IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

WHY DOES "BISCUIT-NECK"OFFEND YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW.YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THAT.

- YOU SHOULDN'T SAY"BISCUIT-NECK"?

YOU GUYS ARE...

- I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHINGAGAINST WHITES.

- YOU THOUGHT "BISCUIT-NECK"WAS NEGATIVE TOWARD WHITES?

- YEAH.- I APPRECIATE IT.

SPOON-FACE.

- I DON'T LIKE THAT.- WHY?

- BECAUSE LOTS OF ASIANGOT ROUND FACES.

THEY MIGHT THINKYOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THEM.

- WHEN I THINK OF A SPOON,I THINK OF CONCAVE.

YOU THINK THAT'SAN ASIAN SLAM, HUH?

SPOON-FACE.- YEAH, BECAUSE--

- SPOON-FACE.

APPLE PICKER.

WHY ARE YOU OFFENDEDBY APPLE PICKER?

- 'CAUSE NO ONE CALL MEAN APPLE PICKER.

- WHAT IF YOU WERETO PICK AN APPLE?

- I'M STILL NOTAN APPLE PICKER.

LET ME FIND ONETHAT YOU ARE OKAY WITH.

WHICH ONE CAN I CALL YOU?

PINTO?- NO.

WATER FLAPS?- NO.

- CHIN BIRD?- NO.

- BUCKET DUNKER?- NO.

- DIRTY LEGS.- NAH.

- WHAT ABOUT DOOR DONKEY?- HELL NO.

- YOU FINE WITH "TEN EYES"?- TO A DEGREE.

- TEN EYES IT IS.

WELL, THANK YOU ALLFOR YOUR TIME.

YOU CAN COLLECT YOUR $10ON YOUR WAY OUT.

- $10?

- YEAH, YOU SPOON-FACEAPPLE PICKER.

CAREFUL USING THOSE TERMS,YOU GUYS.

IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.

I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ALSOSHOULDN'T SAY "SLIPPERY SLOPE."

[audience ohs]

ANIMALS THRIVE IN CAPTIVITY.

NOW I'M FULL.

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

NOW I'M HUNGRY AGAIN.

LOOK ATALL THAT AIDS PUDDING.

WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS BETTERIS IF YOU WERE EATING IT

OFF A GIRL GORILLA'S TITTIES.

ARE YOU SAYING TO YOURSELF,"I HOPE HE DOES IT AGAIN"?

HEY, KOKO,WHAT'S SIGN LANGUAGE

FOR "YOU'REFUCKING DISGUSTING"?

HE KEEPS PUKING UPTHE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER,

JUST LIKE WES ANDERSON.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,DANIEL SEE, DANIEL DO.

[laughter]

- PANCAKES, PANCAKES,PANCAKES, PANCAKES!

- ALL RIGHT, YOU LITTLEMONSTERS, EAT UP.

[sighs]

AFTER BREAKFAST,I KILLED ONE OF THOSE KIDS

BECAUSE HE DIDN'TSMELL RIGHT.

LOOK IT UP, EVOLUTION,CHAPTER 6, VERSES 21 THROUGH 24.

WHAT'S NEXT?

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