September 29, 2010 - Perfect Internet Video

  • 09/29/2010

Daniel shares the Perfect Internet Video, and viewers take the 100% cacao chocolate challenge.

[LAUGHTER]

EVER WONDER WHAT VALET'S ARE

DOING IN YOUR CAR?

>> GOD!

>> THEY ARE FEVERISHLY

MASTURBATING.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SURE IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE BEFORE HE

NUTS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S NOT A HANDS-FREE DEVICE.

THE OPEN ROAD IS A SEDUCTIVE

MISTRESS.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT IT STUCK IN

FOURTH GEAR.

I DO THE SAME THING WHEN I HEAR

A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG NO MATTER

WHERE I AM.

HARD TO HAVE ROAD RAGE WHEN

YOU'RE MAKING LOVE TO YOURSELF.

THAT'S THE FINAL STEP BEFORE IT

CAN BECOME A CERTIFIED PRE-OWNED

LEXUS.

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES, SEND IN YOUR RESPONSE

VIDEOS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT A GRACIOUS WINNER.

NOW, A FEW WEEKS BACK, I CREATED

THE CACAO CHALLENGE AND ASKED

YOU GUYS TO FILM YOURSELF EATING

ONE ENTIRE BAR OF 100% CACAO

CHOCOLATE.

AS MANY OF YOU FOUND OUT, IT'S

LIKE CHEWING ON

CHARCOAL-FLAVORED CHALK.

>> THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> OH, GOD.

>> UHH!

>> IT'S REALLY DRY.

>> OH, THIS TASTES LIKE [BLEEP].

>> IT TASTES LIKE OPEN ASS.

>> SEVEN MORE TO GO.

>> I FEEL LIKE MY MOUTH IS BEING

PERMANENTLY CLOSED.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY BECOMING HARD

FOR ME TO SWALLOW.

[COUGHS]

>> I'M GONNA THROW UP.

>> DON'T WORRY.

IF I PUKE, BABY, IT'S GOING ALL

OVER YOU.

>> I CAN'T DO THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> CACAO!

WHY DO YOU GUYS DO WHAT I SAY?

IT ONLY ENCOURAGES ME TO COM

[LAUGHTER]

THIS SEASON HAS HAD SOME STRONG

PERFORMANCES BY A LOT OF PEOPLE,

BUT THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE MVP.

SO WE NARROWED IT DOWN TO OUR

FOUR FAVORITES.

FIRST UP, THE FORMER WORST

COMEDIAN EVER, DARRELL BLUETT

JOINS US.

>> THANKS, DANIEL, FOR HAVING

ME.

>> HEY, BUDDY, MY PLEASURE.

HAVE PEOPLE BEEN RECOGNIZING YOU

SINCE YOU'VE BEEN ON MY SHOW?

>> YEAH, THEY CALL ME "BEANS AND

CORNBREAD" WHEN THEY SEE ME.

THEY SAY, "THERE'S THAT BEANS

AND CORNBREAD GUY."

>> THAT'S NOT SO BAD.

UH, AND WHY DO YOU DESERVE TO BE

THE MVP OF SEASON TWO?

>> BECAUSE I'M A GREAT PERSON

AND I'M A FUNNY PERSON, AND I

LIKE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

>> OH, OKAY THEN.

THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT UP, A STAFF FAVORITE.

FANNY, FROM THE "RISKY BUSINESS"

REDEMPTION.

>> HI.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

>> HEY, FANNY.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW OLD ARE YOU, AND WHEN WILL

YOU BE 18?

[LAUGHS]

I'M 16, AND I'LL BE 18 IN TWO

YEARS IN AUGUST.

>> MARK YOUR CALENDARS!

NOW, WHY DO YOU DESERVE TO BE

THE MVP?

>> WELL, I DON'T CARE, BUT I

KIND OF WANT YOU TO STOP

CONTACTING ME.

[LAUGHTER]

>> NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

AH!

NEXT, WHO WHO COULD FORGET WHAT

WHAT IN THE BUTT?

SAMWELL'S HERE.

>> HELLO, DANIEL.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

>> FINE.

HOW'S BEING GAY GOING?

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S GOING GREAT.

HOW'S BEING WHITE GOING?

>> REALLY NEAT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY SHOULD YOU BE THE MVP?

>> I'VE TOUCHED SO MANY PEOPLE

WITH MY WORK.

I'VE TOUCHED THEM, THEY'VE

TOUCHED ME.

THAT ALONE SHOULD MAKE ME MVP.

>> SHOCKING THAT YOU WOULD HAVE

A GAY RESPONSE.

ALL RIGHT.

FINALLY THERE'S A DARK HORSE

CANDIDATE.

IT'S THE HOST OF TOSH.0, DANIEL

TOSH.

OH, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC, AS

USUAL.

>> THANKS.

YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.

>> I DON'T EVEN LIKE THIS

JACKET.

TELL ME WHY YOU DESERVE TO BE

THE MVP.

>> LET ME START BY SAYING IT'S

AN HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED

ALONGSIDE FANNY AND THOSE OTHER

TWO BLACK GUYS.

BUT LET'S BE HONEST, THIS SHOW

WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT ME.

HE DOES MAKE A COMPELLING

ARGUMENT.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME TO FIND OUT

WHO WILL BE THE MVP.

AND THE WINNER IS DANIEL TOSH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS A TOTAL SHOCK.

UH, SORRY GUYS, I COULDN'T BE

THERE IN PERSON TO ACCEPT THIS

AWARD.

I -- I -- PFOOH.

I WANT TO THANK MY DOG.

YOU'RE MY ROCK.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO MY CURRENT

GIRLFRIEND, WHOMEVER THAT MAY

BE.

UH, AND TO ALL THE PRODUCERS,

THE WRITERS, THE GAFFERS, ALL

YOU GUYS, IF IT WEREN'T FOR

UNIONS, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU

WOULD BE FIRED.

I CAN DO ALL OF YOUR JOBS BETTER

THAN YOU.

IT LOSES A RING TOWARD THE END.

SINCE THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE

OF THE SEASON, I THOUGHT I

SHOULD DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR

THE FANS WHO ACTUALLY DRAG THEIR

ASSES DOWN HERE TO WATCH US TAPE

THE SHOW.

THAT'S WHY I GOT EVERYONE IN

TONIGHT'S AUDIENCE TEN MINUTES

WITH THIS PROSTITUTE.

HUH?

YEAH.

SUCK ON THAT, OPRAH.

WE ALL HAVE TO TAKE TURNS, SO

REACH UNDER YOUR SEAT TO FIND

OUT WHAT ORDER YOU'RE GOING IN.

REMEMBER, YOU ONLY HAVE TEN

MINUTES WITH CAROL, SO MAKE IT

COUNT.

[CHEERING]

ANYTHING GOES, EVEN JELLY

DOUGHNUTS.

[CHEERING]

IS EVERYONE IN THIS AUDIENCE

CLEAN?

OKAY, THEN NO CONDOMS.

IT WILL HELP SPEED THIS THING

UP.

I THINK I JUST SHOWED YOU GUYS A

MURDER.

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S WATCH THE FIRST GREASE

MONKEY GO TO SPACE IN THIS

WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE OLD AIRBAG PRANK.

IT'S BEEN A FAMILY FAVORITE FOR

GENERATIONS.

YOU TAKE A COMPRESSED AIRBAG OUT

OF A CAR, GET THE TOWN DRUNK TO

SIT ON IT.

WITH PARTS AND LABOR, THIS STUNT

ADDS UP TO BRILLIANT.

HE IS ABOUT TO LEARN THE HARD

WAY, YOU CANNOT TRUST MECHANICS.

THEY ARE ALL LIARS.

A SINGLE CLAP?

HE MUST HAVE JUST WATCHED A

RECENT EPISODE OF "ALWAYS

SUNNY."

[LAUGHTER]

I SAW ONE LAST NIGHT CALLED "THE

GANG DISAPPOINTS DANIEL AGAIN."

[LAUGHTER]

HOLY, [BLEEP]!

REMIND ME AGAIN HOW AIR BAGS ARE

SUPPOSED TO SAVE LIVES.

I DON'T WANT SOMETHING THAT

POWERFUL TO EXPLODE ANYWHERE

NEAR MY GORGEOUS FACE.

DAMN IT, HIS CHUTE DIDN'T OPEN.

HIS LIFELESS BODY FALLS TO EARTH

LIKE GOOSE IN TOP GUN.

♪ YOU NEVER CLOSE YOUR EYES

THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED HAD

HE WORN HIS SEAT BELT.

HE'S NOT DEAD, BUT HE'S LEAKING

FLUID.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YEAH, IT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE.

THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD DO

FOR A PERSON WITH A SERIOUS NECK

INJURY IS SIT THEM UP AND LAUGH

AT THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DOESN'T NEED A BEER.

HE NEEDS NEW FRIENDS.

LUCKILY, HIS HOSPITA

[KITTEN MEWING]

>> HEY!

>> HEY, KID!

[LAUGHS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[LAUGHTER]

>> AAH!

GODZILLA!

[GODZILLA ROARING]

[LAUGHTER]

♪♪

>> YEAH!

OH!

[LAUGHS]

>> HELP!

MY BABY'S ON FIRE!

[LAUGHTER]

[VOMITS]

[LAUGHTER]

>> THANK YOU.

[BABY GURGLING]

>> SORRY, I'M TOO FAMOUS TO DIE.

>> I'VE HELPED COUNTLESS LOST

SOULS FROM THE INTERNET.

SOME CALL IT GOD'S WORK, BUT GOD

TOOK SIX DAYS.

I DO IT IN 30 MINUTES.

LET'S TAKE ONE LAST LOOK BACK AT

ALL THE STUPID LIVES I'VE

CHANGED.

THIS IS TOSH.0.

[SLOW-MOTION]

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL RAINBOW.

FIRST TRY.

>> YES.

>> WATCH HER GO.

>> WHAT TIME IS IT?

>> YOU LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL.

>> THANK YOU.

>> YOU'RE IN HOLLYWOOD.

>> YEAH.

>> DREAMS CAN COME TRUE, AND

PRAYER, YOU KNOW, DO CHANGE

THINGS, YOU KNOW.

>> WHO'S THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON

YOU'VE MET?

>> YOU.

[EXHALES]

I NEEDED THAT.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU

READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

>> DAMN SURE AM.

I DAMN SURE AM.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

>> THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY

LIFE!

>> GOOD TIME TO TRY OUT THAT NEW

KITE.

>> THE BAD BOYS WIN!

[CHEERING]

>> I'M ON A BUTTERFLY.

TAKE HER TO POUND TOWN.

THAT GUY'S GOT OVER 5 MILLION

HITS ON YOUTUBE!

[CHEERING]

[TAMBOURINE JINGLES]

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I

AM A HUMUNGOUS CELEBRITY.

I CAN GET A TABLE AT ANY

RESTAURANT IN HERMOSA BEACH WITH

LITTLE TO NO WAIT ON MOST

WEEKNIGHTS.

ONLY THE BIGGEST OF A-LISTERS

COULD EVER HOPE TO SHARE THE

SPOTLIGHT WITH YOURS TRULY.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

♪♪

>> HEY, BOYS.

>> I AM TV LEGEND ALAN THICKE.

>> BRANDI CHASTAIN.

>> THEY'RE NOT GONNA LET ME STAR

IN RAD II.

[LAUGHS]

>> ARE YOU READY TO KNOCK THE

SHIT OUT OF SOMEBODY?

>> THAT'S BAD LUCK, THAT'S BAD

LUCK!

>> I JUST WANT TO SAY -- WHOA,

CHECK, CHECK!

>> DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON HER

[BLEEP] STUPID PREGNANT FACE?

>> THOSE ARE PEOPLE WHO WISH THE

JEFF DUNHAM SHOW WAS STILL ON

THE AIR.

>> IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

YOU DIDN'T VOTE FOR ME ENOUGH!

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, BIZZY?

>> THE ACT OF PLACING THE HEAD

OF ONE'S PENIS INSIDE THE

FORESKIN OF ANOTHER'S PENIS.

>> I'M NOT THREATENED BY YOU

PHYSICALLY, SO IT'S A YES FROM

ME.

>> UH, THE ANSWER IS, "LET'S DO

IT IN THE BUTT, OKAY."

>> BOSOX CLAY BUCHHOLZ CAN'T

LIKE THIS.

[SOUND EFFECTS]

>> WHAT'S IN THE [BLEEP] BOX?

>> IT'S SLEDGE-O-MATIC!

[SHATTERING GLASS]

>> WHOA!

THIS NEXT GUY'S A BIG HIT IN THE

DORM AROUND LAUNDRY TIME.

>> I'M GONNA BREAK THE WORLD

RECORD FOR THE AMOUNT OF

QUARTERS IN MY BELLYBUTTON.

THERE'S FOUR.

>> IT'S A REAL LIFE PIGGY BANK.

GOOD WORK.

ANOTHER 20,000, AND YOU CAN

AFFORD TO HAVE YOUR STOMACH

STAPLED.

HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK IS UNDER

HIS BREASTS?

[LAUGHTER]

>> HOW MANY?

>> I GOTTA GO AND COUNT 'EM.

>> OH!

>> $7.50.

I'M PRETTY SURE I COULD FIT MORE

INTO MY BODY.

TODAY I'LL BE GOING FOR $5,000.

>> LET'S DO THIS, TOSH.

[TOSH LAUGHING AND GROANING]

>> FIND THE WILL!

[WAILING]

>> COME ON.

HARDER, SON.

>> AAH!

>> WE GOT IT!

[LAUGHTER]

>> LET'S GO FOR MORE.

LET'S GO FOR MORE.

LET'S GO FOR MORE.

LET'S GO FOR MORE.

JUST KEEP PUTTING STUFF IN.

>> A WALLET, A WALLET.

THIS WALLET.

>> 15 TAKES.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> HELLO, I'M DANIEL TOSH, AND

AS MY SECOND SEASON DRAWS TO A

CLOSE, IT'S A GOOD TIME TO

QUIETLY REFLECT ON MY MANY

ACHIEVEMENTS OVER THE PAST YEAR.

MY SHOW HAS BROUGHT TOGETHER

PEOPLE OF ALL RACES, CREEDS, AND

COLORS.

EVEN FATTIES.

I DON'T SEE BLACK AND WHITE.

I ONLY SEE HUMANITY, EXTREMELY

BLACK HUMANITY.

>> WHAT'S UP, HOMEBOY?

>> WHAT'S UP, DUDE?

SHAKIN' IT, MAN.

UHH!

WHOO!

I JUST FEEL FAST RIGHT NOW,

PROBABLY BECAUSE I'M WEARING ALL

BLACK.

IF YOU COULD, WOULD YOU TURN

WATER INTO WINE OR ALIZE?

>> OH, ALIZE.

IT'S GOTTA BE ALIZE.

>> OUR LIVES ARE VERY SIMILAR.

>> HOW SO?

>> WELL, I WAS BORN A BLACK, GAY

MAN.

HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STAR JACKIE

CHAN.

>> I'M NOT JACKIE.

>> JUST TEACH HIM KARATE.

>> MY FAVORITE FOOD IS BEANS AND

CORNBREAD.

I LOVE BEANS AND CORNBREAD,

'CAUSE I'M JUST THAT COUNTRY

BOY, YOU KNOW.

LOVE THAT BEANS AND CORNBREAD,

'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG

WITH BEANS AND CORNBREAD.

IT FILLS YOU UP, YOU KNOW, SO I

JUST LOVE THEM BEANS AND

CORNBREAD.

>> IT'S OKAY TO MAKE A MOVIE,

WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP, BUT IF YOU

MADE A MOVIE CALLED BLACK MEN

CAN'T SWIM, THEN THERE'S A BIG

WHOOP-DE-DOO.

>> UHH!

>> OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GOOD?

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