April 16, 2013 - Hey, Baby Girl

  • 04/16/2013

Daniel fights to desegregate prom, and a shirtless Shakespeare gets a Web Redemption.

THE MALES ARE THE ONESWHO GIVE BIRTH.

BUT DO YOU KNOWTHAT SEAHORSES ARE CALLED

THE MORMONS OF THE SEA?

DO YOU KNOWIT ONLY TAKES ONE MALE

GIVING BIRTH TO 2,000 KIDS

TO PROVE THAT ALL WOMENARE EXAGGERATING

ABOUT HOW PAINFUL IT IS?

DO YOU KNOWHOW MUCH IT COSTS

TO SEND ALL OF THEM TO SCHOOLJUST FOR ONE SEA-MESTER?

AND YOU KNOWTHE HARDEST PART

IS ROUNDING UP ALL THOSE KIDSINTO THEIR PLAYPENS.

[clicks tongue]

HYAH, HYAH, HYAH!

LET'S GO, ROUND 'EM UP.I LOVE SEAHORSES.

SEAHORSES FOREVER.

THANKFULLY 99.5%OF ALL SEAHORSE BABIES DIE,

SO MAYBE LIFE ISN'TAS PRECIOUS AS YOU THOUGHT.

FOR THE RECORD I DID TELL HERTHAT TWO FUNNEL CAKES

WAS A BIT MUCH.

- OKAY, I'M READY.

- OKAY!

- BUT DID YOU SEETHE BATHROOM LINES?

LOOKS LIKE THE HEATAREN'T THE ONLY ONES

WITH AN IMPRESSIVE STREAKTHIS YEAR.

HAVE YOUR KIDS BEENTO THE NEW MUNCHKIN MUDSLIDE

AT SHITTERBON?

IT'S PRETTY FUN.

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENEDTO THE LIFEGUARD.

HEAD FIRSTISN'T ABOUT SAFETY.

IT'S ABOUT HEALTH.

YOU'D THINK BY NOWTHEY'D INVENT A WAY

TO FLUSH THE ENTIREWATER PARK AT ONCE.

OF FATS DOINGAMAZING THINGS.

GREAT BALL CONTROL,AWFUL SELF-CONTROL.

NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDSON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY FAT JOKESWE CAN MAKE.

NOT SURE HOW GREAT HE ISON THE BREAKAWAYS.

PRETTY GOOD WITH HIS FEETCONSIDERING HE CAN'T SEE THEM.

THE OTHER 23 1/2 HOURS A DAY,HE'S NOT QUITE AS ACTIVE.

NOW THROW HIM A SARDINESO HE'LL HONK THE HORNS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S KEPT ITIN THE AIR THIS LONG

WITHOUT EATING IT.

EVERYONE IN ADELE'S FAMILYIS TALENTED.

HA HA HA.

I DIDN'T KNOWCARNIVAL CRUISE LINES

SPONSORED A ROWING TEAM.

♪ NOW JUST SIT RIGHT BACKAND YOU'LL HEAR A TALE ♪

♪ IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN ♪

[cheers and applause]

WHETHER IT'S ON A LAKE

OR ON A MACHINEIN YOUR BASEMENT,

NOTHING SAYS, "I'VE PICKEDTHE DUMBEST WAY TO EXERCISE"

LIKE ROWING.

IT'S THE WHITEST THINGYOU CAN DO,

ASIDE FROM ANTIQUING

OR WORKING AT FOX NEWS.

YOUR FIRST MISTAKEWAS USING A CANOE.

WE CAME TO THIS COUNTRYTO STEAL THE INDIANS' LAND,

NOT THEIR WOBBLY BOATS.

WHERE'S HOBIEWHEN YOU NEED HIM?

BAYWATCH REFERENCE.

THIS TOWN'S ARROGANTANTI-MOTORBOAT LAWS

ARE GONNA COSTDOZENS OF INNOCENT LIVES.

THIS IS TAKING TEN TIMESAS LONG AS IT'S SUPPOSED TO.

JAMES CAMERONMUST BE DIRECTING THEM.

ENOUGH WITH THE SLAPSTICK,ABBOTT AND COSTELLO.

PEOPLE ARE DYING.

TRY DOING IT MERRILY.I HEAR THAT HELPS.

ALL RIGHT,IT LOOKS LIKE OUR COAST GUARD

IS OFFICIALLY USELESS.

I GUESS HAVING A RED JACKETDOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ANYMORE.

OUT OF CURIOSITY, WHERE AREYOU PLANNING ON PUTTING THEM

IN YOUR TWO-MAN DINGHY?

WAIT, THE WATER'SONLY WAIST-DEEP?

EVERYONE'S GOING TO SURVIVE?

THIS VIDEO SUCKS.

COULD YOU AT LEAST RESCUETHE RESCUE TEAM

ON YOUR WALK IN?

AND FOR THAT,WE WOULD THANK YOU.

- HI, BABY GIRL.

I LOVE YOU MORE THANTHERE ARE GRAINS OF SAND

ON EVERY BEACHOF EVERY PLANET

OF EVERY GALAXYOF THE UNIVERSE.

YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN...

HOME DEPOT MEANSTO MR. LOTORADO.

YOU MEAN MORE TO METHAN GOLD AND DIAMONDS

TO THE GREEDIEST BURGLAR.

YOU'RE JUST THE MOST PERFECT,

MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRLIN ALL OF THE WORLD.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY WATCHING THIS,BABY GIRL.

AND YOU THOUGHTROMANCE WAS DEAD.

NOTHING FOGS UPA GIRL'S THONG

LIKE DROPPINGA HOME DEPOT REFERENCE.

HEY, BABY AUDIENCE,

THAT SHIRTLESS SHAKESPEAREIS DOMINIC.

AND HE'S JUST A BOYSTANDING IN FRONT OF A GIRL

USING SOME ANALOGIES.

UNFORTUNATELY,HE MADE THE MISTAKE

OF PUTTINGTHAT LOVE LETTER ON YOUTUBE.

I ADMIT,I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS

OF HIS COCKSURE SWAGGER.

FOR ME, THE HARDEST PART ABOUTROMANCING HIGH SCHOOL CHICKS

IS BEING 37.

I MISS THAT MOMENT WHERE YOUCAN LOOK INTO HER FATHER'S EYES

AND SEE HIM REALIZETHAT YOUR SMOOTH MOVES

WERE BETTERTHAN HIS PARENTING.

ROMANCE WORKS BECAUSELADIES LOVE DUMB STUFF,

AND THEY'RE EASILY SWAYEDBY MEANINGLESS GESTURES.

THAT'S WHY ALL DUDESHAVE THE SAME TECHNIQUE.

IT'S CALLED LYING.

AND DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEYON FLOWERS, FELLAS.

FLOWERS ARE FOR MEXICANSTO PUT AROUND TELEPHONE POLES.

THESE DAYS,ALL YOU NEED

ARE A COUPLEWELL-TIMED EMOJIS.

I RECOMMENDTHE BLUSHING KISSY FACE.

LADIES WANT YOU TO SAY THINGS

LIKE THEY HEARIN R&B SONGS,

BUT THOSE ARTISTSONLY SING ABOUT ROMANCE

SO THEY CAN GET CLOSE ENOUGHTO EITHER PUNCH OR PISS ON YOU.

"CATCH A GRENADE FOR YOU."

"STEP IN FRONTOF A TRAIN FOR YOU."

BRUNO MARS ISN'T ROMANTIC,HE'S SUICIDAL.

BUT IF DOMINIC WANTSTO TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF

AND ACT LIKE AN IDIOTON CAMERA,

WHO BETTER TO HELP HIM THANA GUY WHO DOES IT ON THE REG?

THAT'S WHYI FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE RELATIONSHIPSNEVER LAST,

IN THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

DOMINIC, THANKS FOR MEETINGME AT ABERCROMBIE.

- NO PROBLEM.

- I LIKE TO POSE HEREEVERY SATURDAY FOR A FEW HOURS.

- HEY, CUSTOMERS NEEDTO KEEP THEIR SHIRTS ON.

AND GET YOUR POSTEROUT OF HERE.

- OKAY, WE WILL,BUT CAN WE GET A QUICK PIC?

- ALL RIGHT.

[camera shutter clicks]

- FIRST QUESTION,IS IT BRIONNA OR BRIANNA?

- IT'S BRIANNA.- WHITE GIRL?

- YEAH.- OKAY.

HOW OLD WERE YOUIN THAT VIDEO?

- 14.- SHE OLDER OR YOUNGER?

- OLDER, BUT JUSTBY A FEW MONTHS.

- I'M NOT INTO THAT.

NOW WHO POSTED IT ONLINE?

- I TRIEDTO EMAIL IT TO HER,

BUT THE FILE SIZEWAS TOO BIG.

- THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERERAMBLING SO LONG.

YOU GOTTA GETTO THE POINT QUICKER.

ARE YOU STILL TOGETHER?

- NO.- WHAT HAPPENED?

- IT WENT UNHEALTHYREALLY FAST.

- WERE YOU HEARTBROKEN?

- NOT REALLY, NO.I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO.

- DID YOU BREAK UPWITH HER IN PERSON

OR DID YOU SEND HERA VIDEO?

- FIRST I PROPOSED A BREAK.

- MMM, THE FAMOUS BREAK.

- AND THEN I WAS CALLEDAT 5:00 IN THE MORNING

BY HER AND HER FRIENDAND THEY BASICALLY SAID,

"ARE WE GONNA STAY TOGETHEROR ARE WE GONNA BREAK UP?"

AND I SAID,"YOU KNOW WHAT,

IF THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA BE,I CAN'T DO IT."

- AT THE BEGINNINGOF YOUR VIDEO,

YOU SAID YOU FORGIVE BRIANNA.

- EVERYTHING'S OKAY,I PROMISE.

I FORGIVE YOU.

- SHE HAD LIED TO ME,

AND SHE STILL DIDN'T BELIEVETHAT I FORGAVE HER.

- YOU FORGAVE HER.

NOW SHE'S UPSET WITH YOU

BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T BELIEVETHAT YOU ACTUALLY FORGAVE HER.

- WOMAN LOGIC.- IT JUST NEVER ENDS.

WELCOME TO THE RESTOF YOUR LIFE.

WHY WERE YOU SWINGINGBACK AND FORTH?

- I DON'T THINK I ACTUALLYHAVE A SOLID ANSWER FOR THAT.

- WERE YOU EMBARRASSED WHENTHAT VIDEO BECAME POPULAR?

- PEOPLE HAVE BOTHGOOD AND BAD THINGS TO SAY.

- YOU BANNED PEOPLE FROMMAKING COMMENTS ON YOUR VIDEO.

- MY PARENTS WANTED ME TO

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T LIKETHE COMMENTS.

- WHAT WERE THE TYPE OF COMMENTSTHAT YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T LIKE?

- YOU KNOW, YOU HADTHE GENERIC COMMENTS LIKE,

"FUTURE RAPIST RIGHT HERE."

OR "OH, MY GOD, SCREECH,

THAT'S WHERE YOU'VE BEENALL THIS TIME."

AND THEN YOU GOTTHE CREATIVE COMMENTS.

SOMEONE SAID IF YOU WERETO GO GET A FUDGSICLE

THAT YOU'D FIND PIECESOF BRIANNA IN THE FREEZER.

- YEAH, ALL RIGHT,I THINK IT MAKES SENSE

TO SHUT THOSE DOWNAT SOME POINT.

HAVE YOU EVER CHEATEDON A SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

- I HAVE NOT.I'VE BEEN CHEATED ON.

- YOU'VE BEEN CHEATED ON.- MANY TIMES.

- MANY TIMES?

- EVERY GIRL I'VE BEEN WITH

HAS ENDED UPCHEATING ON ME AT SOME POINT.

- GIRLS LIKE SOMEBODYTHAT'S OVERPOSSESSIVE.

IMMEDIATELYWHEN YOU START DATING,

GET THEIR PASSCODES.

CHECK THEIR EMAILS.

CHECK THEIR TEXTS.

THIS IS WHAT I DO EVERY DAY.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE ONAND FIND YOUR NEXT BRIANNA,

AND I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.- OH, REALLY?

- [softly] YES.

YOU SEE ME DOING SEXY VOICE?

I'M LEARNING.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

WELCOME TO THE DATING GAME.0.

I'M YOUR HOST,DANIEL TOSH.

LET'S MEET OUR THREEBEAUTIFUL BACHELORETTES

WHO ARE JUST RARINGAND READY TO GO.

- BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE

HAS APPEARED IN HERFAIR SHARE OF TWERK VIDEOS

ON WORLDSTARHIPHOP

AND HAS A SWEET TOOTH WHENIT COMES TO WHITE CHOCOLATE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,IT'S BRIANNA NUMBER ONE.

OUR SECOND BACHELORETTE

IS A TOUGH COOKIEWITH A BIT OF A TEMPER

WHO HAS SPENTTHE PAST TEN YEARS

INSIDE THE GATED COMMUNITY

OF VALLEY STATECORRECTIONAL FACILITY.

IT'S BRIANNA NUMBER TWO.

OUR THIRD BACHELORETTEIS A SASSY AND STYLISH BEAUTY

WITH A SECRET.

IT'S BRIANNA NUMBER THREE.

OUR BACHELORIS A TWEEN FROM NEW YORK

LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL LADYTO MEND HIS BROKEN HEART.

LET'S MEET DOMINIC.

- THANKS FOR BEING HERE,DOMINIC.

- NO PROBLEM.

- LADIES, SAY HELLOTO OUR BACHELOR.

all: HI, DOMINIC.

- OOH, THOSE KITTIESSOUND SEXY.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR QUESTIONSREADY TO GO?

- I DO.- LET'S BEGIN.

- I SAID I WOULD GIVE UPFOOD OR WATER TO BE WITH MY EX.

WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP,BRIANNA NUMBER ONE?

- I'D GIVE UPMY BACK DOOR FOR YOU.

THAT'S MY BUTTHOLE.

[cheers and applause]

- YOU DO KNOW HE'S 15?

- WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP,BRIANNA NUMBER THREE?

- THERE'S THISONE BIG THICK THING

I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE UP.

- I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULDSAY THAT TO ANYONE.

- BRIANNA NUMBER TWO,

CAN YOU DESCRIBEBRIANNA NUMBER ONE?

- SHE LOOKS LIKEBRIANNA NUMBER THREE

WITHOUT A DICK.

- WELL, DOMINIC,IT'S THAT TIME.

HAVE YOU MADE YOUR DECISION?- I HAVE.

- WELL, DON'T KEEP US WAITING.

WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

- BRIANNA NUMBER TWO.

- ♪ BRIANNA NUMBER TWO

OH, DOMINIC,YOU COULDN'T HAVE GONE WRONG,

BUT LET'S SEEWHO YOU MISSED OUT ON.

SHE'S A CURVACEOUS CUTIEFROM INGLEWOOD, CALIFORNIA.

IT'S BRIANNA NUMBER ONE.

[applause]

- IF YOUAND BRIANNA NUMBER TWO

EVER WANT TO MAKEA BRIANNA SANDWICH,

CALL ME.

- OH!

HOT.

ARE YOU KICKING YOURSELF NOW?

- NO, NOT YET.

- OOH-OOH!

ALL RIGHT, WELL,THIS BACHELORETTE

WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTENMAD AT YOU

FOR LEAVINGTHE TOILET SEAT UP.

IT'S BRIANNA NUMBER THREE.

[applause]

ALL RIGHT, DOMINIC,ARE YOU READY TO MEET

THE LUCKY LADY YOU CHOSE?- I AM.

- WHEN OURLUCKY BACHELORETTE

ISN'T WATCHING HER BACKIN THE YARD,

SHE LIKES TO DRINK TOILET WINEAND GIVE HERSELF TATTOOS.

SHE SAYS THE WORST PARTABOUT BEING IN JAIL

IS HOW THEY KEEPTHAT STANK ON LOCKDOWN.

PLEASE WELCOMEBRIANNA NUMBER TWO.

[cheers and applause]

GET IN THERE.

OH, YEAH!

OH, CHUCK,TELL OUR LUCKY COUPLE

WHERE THEY'RE GOING.

TO POUND TOWN, EH.

- YOU WILL BE GOINGTO KNOTT'S BERRY FARM,

CALIFORNIA'S FIFTH OR SIXTHBEST AMUSEMENT PARK.

FOLLOWED BYA ROMANTIC DINNER

AT THE WORLD-FAMOUSROUND TABLE PIZZA,

WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY GOURMETPIZZA AT HONEST PRICES.

AIRFARE AND HOTELACCOMMODATIONS NOT INCLUDED.

- FROM ALL OF US ON THE DATING GAME.0...

GOOD NIGHT!

THAT'S WHAT THIS SHOWIS ABOUT,

BRINGING PALE CHILDRENAND GIANT BLACK WOMEN

TOGETHER SEXUALLY.

IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKSSINCE THEIR DATE.

LET'S CHECK IN AND SEEHOW THE HAPPY COUPLE IS DOING.

- THAT WHITE GIRL DON'T KNOWWHAT SHE'S MISSING.

- I'M NOT A BABY.- SHH.

A FEW WEEKS AGO I SHOWED YOU ANINSANE PERSON

ANSWERING THE QUESTION,"WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

AND SINCENONE OF YOU HAVE JOBS,

I ASKED YOUTO FILM YOURSELF

RECITING HIS INSPIRING ANSWER.

SO INSTEADOF A VIEWER VIDEO,

I JUST WANT TO KNOWWHAT'S YOUR NAME?

all: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- MY NAME?- LET ME TELL YOU MY NAME.

- I'M CONFUSED 'CAUSEI NEVER WENT TO SCHOOL, RIGHT?

DOES A CONFUSED PERSONGET A RESOLUTION?

- YOU SEE,WHEN YOU GO LIKE THAT

YOU HAVE A CROSS,TWO STICKS, RIGHT?

AND THAT'S HOW I FELTWHEN I WAS IN WATERLOO.

- BECAUSE WHENI WALKED IN WATERLOO

AND SMILED AT PEOPLE,

THEY TREATED MELIKE A VAMPIRE.

- IN TORONTO--

HEY, HI, GUYS.STEVE SPIROS.

YOU KNOW ME.EASYGOING.

THOSE WHO KNOW ME,

I'M A NOBODY!

- YOU CAN'T KILL A PERSONWITH NO BODY.

- SO WHY AM I AFRAID?I'M NOT AFRAID.

I'M AFRAID OF THE BOOGEYMAN.

- WHO'S THE BOOGEYMAN?

- YOU FIGURE IT OUT!

- I'M GONNA GO BACKTO THE MINISTRY

AND ALLOW THEMTO PERCEIVE ME AS I AM.

- A FUCK-UP.- A FUCK-UP.

- A FUCK-UP.

- I'M NOT GONNARAISE MY VOICE.

- THANKS FORTHE FREE CONTENT, SUCKERS.

THERE WAS A TOWN IN GEORGIATHAT HAD SEGREGATED PROMS,

YOU WOULD PROBABLY SAY,"UH, ONLY ONE?"

SHAME ON YOU,WILCOX COUNTY HIGH SCHOOL.

THANKFULLY,THIS YEAR SOME STUDENTS,

WHO I ASSUMEARE HEAVYSET WHITE GIRLS,

ARE INDEPENDENTLY ORGANIZINGTHEIR OWN INTEGRATED PROM.

OR AS THE RESTOF THE WORLD CALLS IT, PROM.

I SAY INTEGRATINGHIGH SCHOOL PROMS

ISN'T FAR ENOUGH.

HOW 'BOUT WE GET RIDOF SEPARATE BATHROOMS

FOR BOYS AND GIRLS?

GAYS AND STRAIGHTSSHARE THE BATHROOMS

WITH ZERO ISSUES.

WE NEED TO PUT AN ENDTO THE SEXIST POOPING POLICIES

OF YESTERDAY.

THE ONLY WAY TO ACHIEVEGENDER EQUALITY

IS TO START CRAPPINGIN FRONT OF EACH OTHER.

SEPARATING KIDSINTO DIFFERENT GRADES

BASED ON THE YEARTHEY WERE BORN

IS THE BIGGEST FORMOF AGEISM THERE IS.

AND WHY ARE WE KEEPINGTHE HONOR STUDENTS

APART FROMTHE SPECIAL ED KIDS?

THEY SHOULD BEIN THE SAME ROOM,

THE GIFTED ONES HELPINGTHE DROOLING ONES.

IN THIS DAY AND AGE,

HOW COME THERE ARE STILLCOMPARTMENTS ON THE LUNCH TRAYS?

ALL CAFETERIA FOODSHOULD BE SLOPPED TOGETHER

IN ONE GROSS PILEON A PARTITIONLESS TRAY.

AND DON'T STOP THERE!

HOMESCHOOL STUDENTSSHOULD NOT BE ANCHORED

BY THEIR DUMBSTAY-AT-HOME MOM'S

LACK OF EDUCATION.

THEY SHOULD BE ABLETO GO TO ANY HOME THEY WANT

IN THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD.

JUST RING THE DOORBELL

AND BE PREPARED TO LEARN.

GOOD NIGHT, WHITES!

GOOD NIGHT, BLACKS!

TO HELL WITH YOUGREEN AND PURPLE PEOPLE.

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