March 25, 2014 - Model Teacher

  • 03/25/2014

An out-of-shape football fan crashes into a pole, a teacher who got fired for modeling on the side gets a second chance, and Daniel demonstrates how to make toilet wine.

IF IT'S FAT,DRUNK, AND SLOW...

all: IT MUST BE CHICAGO.

- SET...GO!

- OH!- OH!

- OH!

- DA POLE!

DID HE GET THE FIRST DOWN?

NOOO. GO FOR IT.

THE BEARS COULD USE THAT POLEAT SAFETY.

YOU CAN'T EXPECT PEOPLE WHO PUTAN ENTIRE PICKLE SPEAR

ON THEIR HOT DOGSTO BE ATHLETIC.

- OH!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WHO IS THAT?

- IT WAS EITHER RUN FACE FIRSTINTO A POLE

OR TALK TO A GIRLWITH A MIDWESTERN ACCENT.

I SAY HE MADE THE RIGHT CALL.

IF YOU WANT A REALLY EASY WIN,RACE A PACKERS FAN.

- ON YOUR MARK...

GET SET...[horn toots]

- TWO DOGS, HEAVY KRAUT,CHILI.

A FEW ONIONS.PUT SOME CHEESE ON IT.

- ALL RIGHT.- PUT ANOTHER DOG

ON TOP OF THAT DOG.

MAYBE PUT SOME PEPPERS,SOME JALAPENO PEPPERS.

ALL RIGHT.THAT LOOKS LIKE A--

IS THAT A DIJON?

- YOU LOST.

HERE'S A QUESTION,PACKERS FANS.

IF YOUR HATS ARE MADEOF CHEDDAR,

HOW COME THEY HAVETHE HOLES OF SWISS?

YOU'D THINK PEOPLE WHO GOTTHAT FAT OFF CHEESE

[Middle Eastern music playing]

THE ONLY WAY YOU'D EVER FIND ME

ON A DOUBLE DATEAT A HOOKAH LOUNGE

IS IF I WEREON A SUICIDE BOMBING MISSION.

NOW, LET'S SEEWHY YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO EXHALE FROM YOUR LUNGS,NOT YOUR STOMACH,

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

IT IS ONLY ACCEPTABLETO BE SUCKING ON A HOOKAH

IF YOU'RE A GIANTMAGIC CATERPILLAR

OR BIDDING ON VIRGINS.

THEY'RE FOR SMOKERSWHO'VE ALWAYS WANTED

THE PERFECT COMBINATIONOF CIGARETTES AND FRUIT.

IT'S ALSO A GREAT WAYTO SHARE HERPES.

AH, THIS GUY CAN'T HANDLE HISMANGO CURRY-FLAVORED TOBACCO.

NOTHING BUT HIPSTERSAND PERSIANS.

SO YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINEHOW BAD IT REEKS IN THERE.

THERE'S NO WAY THEY'RE MOVING.THAT BOOTH IS PRIME REAL ESTATE.

HERE COMES SOME HOOKAH HOTTIES.

- OH!

- SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE PUT

A "CAUTION: DISGUSTING FLOOR"SIGN UP.

THIS IS LIKE WATCHINGA BABY ELEPHANT

TRY TO WALKFOR THE FIRST TIME.

WHY IS HIS PUKE SO SLIPPERY?

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE JUST GONNAHAVE TO LIVE IN THAT PUDDLE NOW.

SOMEWHERE, A JAPANESE GUYIS JERKING IT TO THIS.

ARE THOSE DICKBAGSJUST SITTING THERE LAUGHING?

I HOPE SOMEONE TOWSYOUR WHITE RANGE ROVER.

MAYBE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUTCLEANLINESS SHOULD MOP THAT UP.

EH, THEIR CLOTHES AND HAIRPROBABLY SOAKED UP MOST OF IT,

AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, WHEN SOMEONE YELLS"GO [bleep],"

YOU DON'T ACT ALL [bleep].YOU GO!

- GO.GO, [bleep]!

- OH!

- AH, THANKS FOR ANOTHER GREATVIDEO, PEER PRESSURE.

THINGS IN THE REAL WORLDDON'T WORK LIKE CARTOONS.

GOOD TO KNOWTHAT YOU CAN JUST PRY DOORS OPEN

ON A MOVING TRAIN.

MAYBE WE SHOULD, UH, LOCK THOSE.

ANYONE WHO'S SPENT TIMERIDING THE RAILS

KNOWS THAT IT CAN MAKEYOU DO SOME CRAZY THINGS.

GIMME THOSE [bleep] BEANS!- GET YOUR OWN BEANS!

- GET OFF MY TRAIN, YOU HOBO!- AAH!

- HA HA! OH, LET'S SEE WHATHE'S GOT IN HIS BINDLE.

[splash]AAH! AAH!

WHY WOULD HE EVEN NEEDONE OF THOSE?

DID YOU KNOW IT WAS CALLEDA BINDLE?

WHAT'S NEXT?

- TO HER STUDENTS,SHE WAS OLIVIA SPRAUER,

THEIR ENGLISH TEACHER.THEY HAD NO IDEA

SHE WAS ALSO A PART-TIMEMODEL ON THE INTERNET

POSING IN SEXY SWIMWEARAND LINGERIE.

- IT WAS A WAY FOR METO MAKE ENDS MEET

WITHOUT DOING ANYTHINGI BELIEVED TO BE UNETHICAL.

- VICTORIA, A DIVORCED MOTHEROF TWO SMALL CHILDREN,

SAID SHE WAS A GOOD TEACHERAND A GOOD ROLE MODEL

TO HER STUDENTS.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD BEAN EFFECTIVE TEACHER

AROUND HIGH SCHOOL-AGE BOYS

AND HAVE PICTURES LIKE THATOF YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET?

- I MEAN, MY STUDENTSHAVE SEEN ME AT THE BEACH

IN BATHING SUITS.

I STILL TEACH THEM EFFECTIVELY.

- AH, YOU DID ME PROUD AGAIN,FLORIDA!

SHE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO PUTTHE ASS IN CLASS.

I'D LET HER SHARPEN MY PENCIL,IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THAT'S OLIVIA, BUT TO HERHIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS

WHO CAN USE GOOGLE,SHE'S VICTORIA JAMES.

SHE'S LIKE A SLUTTY SUPERMAN.

MILD-MANNERED TEACHER BY DAY,

LINGERIE MODEL WITH A B-PLUSBODY BY NIGHT.

A TEACHER'S MAIN DUTIESARE TO DECIDE WHO GETS TO TALK

AND WHO GETS TO TAKE A DUMP.

BUT HOT TEACHERSARE THE BACKBONE

OF OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM.

SEX SELLS.THE BETTER LOOKING THE TEACHER,

THE BETTER THE ATTENDANCE.

I USED TO LOVE IT WHENCOACH SHIELDS WOULD WEAR

HIS EXTRA TIGHT GYM SHORTS.

IF I CLOSE MY EYES,I CAN STILL SEE THE OUTLINE

OF HIS FLAWLESS MUSHROOM HEAD.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

AH, PORTOBELLO.WAIT, THAT'S THE WRONG MUSHROOM.

JESUS WAS THE ORIGINALHOT TEACHER,

ALWAYS TEASINGTHE LOCAL PROSTITUTES

WITH HIS LONG, WAVY HAIRAND MUSCULAR FOREARMS.

TEACHERS ARE JUSTLIKE YOUR PARENTS--

IT'S REALLY CREEPYIF YOU HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

ANYONE WHO MAKESA CONSCIOUS DECISION

TO HANG OUT WITH TEENAGERSALL DAY

SHOULD BE FLAGGEDAS A PEDOPHILE.

LET'S JUST MAKE TEACHERSOBSOLETE.

A COMPUTER HAS ALL THE SAMEINFORMATION AND WON'T GET FIRED

IF IT'S CAUGHTCOVERED IN YOUR KID'S DNA.

IN SUMMARY VICTORIA MAY NOT BETOUCHING YOUNG PEOPLE'S LIVES

ANYMORE, BUT SHE'S INSPIRINGTHEM TO TOUCH THEMSELVES.

THAT'S WHY I PUT HERON A PLANE

AND PRAYED IT DIDN'T DISAPPEARON ITS WAY TO HOLLYWOOD

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

ALL RIGHT, THE VOTEIS UNANIMOUS.

THE MASCOT FOR JEFFERSON HIGH

WILL CONTINUE TO BETHE MULATTOES.

NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS:REINSTATING THE BIKINI MODEL

WHO USED TO BE A TEACHER.

[sexy music]

- [gasping]

- OKAY, SOMEBODYRESUSCITATE MARVIN.

MISS JAMES,PLEASE TAKE A SEAT

IN THE CHAIR.

HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONSFOR YOU.

WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?

- WHAT ARE WELOOKING AT?

- WHAT DO WE GOT, A "D"?34D?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?- SOUTH FLORIDA.

- TELL ME EXACTLYWHAT HAPPENED.

- MONDAY MORNING I GOT CALLEDINTO MY PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE,

AND HE ASKED ME, "DO YOU HAVEANY MODELING PHOTOS

ON THE INTERNET?",AND I SAID, "YEAH."

HE PULLS IT UP."LIKE THIS ONE?"

I SAID, "YEAH."HE SAYS, "SO THIS IS YOU?"

"YEAH.""OKAY."

- AND THAT WAS IT?AND THEN HE ASKED--

SAID YOU'RE DONE?

- HE SAID,"I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED,

SO I'M NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING."

AND I SAID, "I'M NOT GONNA SAYANYTHING EITHER."

- SO YOU'RE TELLING ME A WOMANCANNOT BE A SEXY MODEL

AS WELL AS A HIGH SCHOOLENGLISH TEACHER?

- I GUESS THAT'S THE STANDARDTHEY'RE SETTING.

- DID ANY OF YOUR STUDENTSHAVE A CHANCE WITH YOU?

- NO!- NONE OF THEM?

- NO!- HONESTLY, IF A STUDENT IS 18?

AREN'T THERE HIGH SCHOOLSTUDENTS THAT ARE 18?

I THINK THERE ARE.

- THERE'S HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTSI HAD IN THEIR 20s.

- WELL, YEAH, BUT THOSE

ARE THE MENTALLY-HANDICAPPEDSTUDENTS.

- NO.- WHAT'S THE WORST PART

ABOUT BEING A TEACHER?- THAT YOU DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY.

- WHAT'S A TEACHER MAKEIN A YEAR?

- I DON'T KNOW,BUT EVERY TWO WEEKS

I BROUGHT HOME $1,100.

- THAT'S ALMOST, LIKE, $550A WEEK?

- I DON'T KNOW.I DIDN'T TEACH MATH.

- AND WHAT WOULD YOU MAKEFOR A MODELING GIG?

- OH, I COULD MAKE THATIN A DAY OR A WEEKEND.

- ARE YOU STILL MODELING?- WHY, YES, I AM.

THE MOST WELL-KNOWN AT THISPOINT IS MY HUSTLER COVER

AND CENTERFOLD.

- AND I'M TOLD WE HAVEA COPY OR SO

OF THE HUSTLER MAGAZINESTHAT ARE IN QUESTION.

WHY IS MY HOME ADDRESSAND NAME

PRINTED ON THIS ONE?

THAT HAS GOT TO BE A MISTAKE.

- WHY DON'T THEIR PRIVATESHAVE HAIR?

ARE THESE WOMEN CHILDREN?

- HOW MANY PAGESARE WE LOOKING AT?

- THE CENTERFOLD'S 14.

- 14 PAGES.

NOW I NOTICE THERE'S NOT ANYSCENES OF YOU PISSING IN HERE.

- [laughs]- WERE THEY PITCHING THINGS,

AND YOU WERE LIKE,"I'M NOT DOING THAT"?

- YEAH. WELL, NO, THEY--- [laughs]

YOU GOT TO LOVE LARRY.

GOD, HE'S A GENIUS.- YEAH.

- HOW DID YOU GETINTO MODELING?

- HOW DID YOU GETINTO COMEDY?

- WELL, NO ONE WANTEDTO SEE MY BUTTHOLE.

- OH, DARN.

- ANY LUCKY MANIN YOUR LIFE?

- BIG-TIME LESBIAN.

- THAT IS VERY HOT.

YOU A DOLPHINS FAN?

- YEAH.AND HEAT.

- IF YOU COULD HAVE SEXWITH ONE OF THE MIAMI HEATS--

- BATTIER.- BATTIER?

- YEAH.- NOT IN A MILLION YEARS

DID SHANE BATTIER THINKHIS NAME WAS GONNA BE--

- WHAT DID YOU THINKI WAS GONNA SAY?

BIRDMAN OR SOMETHING?

- NO, I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY LEBRON

OR DWAYNE WADE,YOU KNOW.

THE MOST POPULAR.

AND DWAYNE IS VERY ATTRACTIVE--

OH, THAT'S FINE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THATON CAMERA.

- I'M NOT.[laughter]

- AND SHANE BATTIER IS BLACK,ALL RIGHT?

I ALSO THINK HE WOULD PROBABLYTRY TO TAKE A CHARGE

IN THE BEDROOM.- PERHAPS.

- GUY LIKES TO TAKE CHARGES.ALL RIGHT.

I BELIEVE ONE OF MRS. JAMES'SSTUDENTS WOULD LIKE

TO SAY SOMETHINGON HER BEHALF.

YOUNG MAN?

- UM, SHE ISTHE BEST TEACHER EVER.

- I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH.ALL IN FAVOR OF REINSTATING HER?

BIG SHOCK.

AND YOU WONDERWHY WE HATE YOU, MARIE.

YOU'RE SUCH A PRUDE.

[meows]

[school bell rings]

- WHO WOULD LIKE TO READTHEIR SHORT STORY TO THE CLASS?

JULIE?- I'M ALL SWEATY.

CAN I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF?

- YES.LET ME HELP YOU.

- WILL THESE BE ON THE TEST?

- YES. AND THE ORAL EXAMINATIONIS MANDATORY.

- "I GOT TO CLASS EARLYAND SNUCK MY PANTIES

"INTO MISS JAMES' DRAWER.

"IT WAS MY LITTLE WAYOF LETTING HER KNOW

THAT MY STUDY HALL IS OPENAND WET FOR HER."

- OH, YEAH.THAT'S GOOD.

- "MY BIG, LUSCIOUS NATURALSTINGLE

"AS SHE ASKS ME TO SPELLTHE WORD 'CUNNILINGUS.'

I CAN'T.THAT'S A HARD WORD TO SPELL."

MY MOIST SLICED PEACH

HAS NEVER HAD AN EDUCATED TONGUESHOVED SO DEEP

INSIDE OF IT.

OH.

- MR. LONGERTON.

YOU KNOW IF YOU NEED TO MEETWITH ME, MY BACK DOOR'S OPEN

FROM 2:00 TO 2:30.

- I JUST THOUGHTYOU MIGHT NEED A BONE.

MARIE.MARIE.

MARIE.

MARIE!- WAIT, I WANT TO CHANGE

MY VOTE TO YES.

ALSO I'M GONNA NEED A TOWEL.

- OH, GROSS.

THERE IS A FINE LINEBETWEEN COMEDY AND PORN,

AND WE CROSSED IT A MILE AGO.

GO TO OUR BLOGTO SEE HER SQUIRT.

- HELLO, WILDCATS.

THIS IS WEBER COOKS.

AND TODAY WE'RE DOINGCHILI CHEESE NACHOS.

WE START WITH A CANOF CHILI.

OPEN IT UP.

AND THEN THE CHEESE SAUCE,WE JUST TAKE OFF THE LID,

AND WE POP THESE BOTHIN THE MICROWAVE

FOR 4 1/2 MINUTES.

THINGS ARE DONE,

WE MIX 'EM BOTH TOGETHER.

AND THIS WILL RUN YOUABOUT SIX BUCKS,

BUT, WHEN YOU FIGUREIT WILL FEED ANYWHERE

FROM THREE TO SIX PEOPLE,

IT WILL ONLY COST YOU A DOLLAROR $2 PER PERSON.

AND I'M STEVEN REED.

AND THIS WAS WEBER COOKS.

- HIS SECRET INGREDIENTIS SADNESS.

HOW THAT CHEESE SAUCE DIDN'TBOIL OVER AFTER NINE MINUTES

IN A MICROWAVE IS THE MOSTREMARKABLE THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

IT SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE JUSTGIVING AWAY COOKING SHOWS

TO ANYONE NOWADAYS, SO I FIGUREDI'D MAKE ONE FOR THE FANS I CARE

ABOUT THE MOST--CRIMINALS.

YEAH, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,I'M HUGE IN THE PENAL SYSTEM,

SO THIS IS FOR THE INCARCERATEDFANS OUT THERE--

FATHER FORGIVE ME FOR LIVIN'

WHILE ALL MY HOMIESSTUCK IN PRISON.

HI, NEW FISH.WELCOME TO LAST MEAL.

TONIGHT WE'RE MAKINGA 2014 PRUNO GRIGIO,

AKA "TOILET WINE."

- WHO'S GOT A CIGARETTE?- SHUT THE [bleep] UP!

I'M DOING A SHOW.- YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME?

- I WILL CARVEA NEW ASSHOLE

INTO YOUR THROAT, ESPINOZA.

ALL RIGHT,LET'S GET STARTED.

HERE'S WHAT YOU'LL NEED--STEAL A PLASTIC BAG

FROM A TRASHCAN IN THE YARD.

NEXT YOU GET YOURSELFSOME BREAD.

A COUPLE PIECES.

LET IT GET NICE AND MOLDY

FOR AT LEAST A WEEKOR SO.

SIX TO TEN ORANGES.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVETO TRADE FOR 'EM.

THE MEXICANS CONTROLTHE ORANGES,

JUST LIKE THEY DOON THE OUTSIDE.

TELL YOU WHAT I LIKE TO DOAFTERWARDS.

THESE MAKE GREATMAKESHIFT [bleep].

YOU JUST [bleep]THE [bleep] OUT OF IT.

FOUR PACKETS OF KETCHUPAND/OR RAISINS.

NEXT, YOU NEED TWO CANSOF FRUIT COCKTAIL.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETSA LITTLE TRICKY, OKAY?

YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNAHAVE TO DO SOME FAVORS

FOR SOMEONE ON KITCHEN DETAIL,MOST LIKELY WITH YOUR MOUTH.

AND FINALLY YOU'LL NEEDAROUND 60 PACKS OF SUGAR.

THAT'S A HIGH-DEMAND ITEMIN HERE,

SO BE PREPARED TO LETMANY MEN INSIDE OF YOU.

ALL OF THE GUYS AROUND HERECALL ME SUGAR.

- [growls]- 'CAUSE I ALWAYS NEED

TO BORROW SUGAR,AND I'M SWEET.

MASH UP ALL THE INGREDIENTS,OKAY, HIDE IT IN YOUR TOILET.

THERE'S A REASONIT'S CALLED "TOILET WINE."

POUR WARM WATER OVER IT

EVERY DAYFOR FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS.

WHERE YOU GONNA GET WARM WATER?COME ON, GUYS.

YOU GOTTA PEE ON IT.

LUCKILY, WE DON'T HAVE TO WAITFIVE TO SEVEN DAYS.

I GOT A FRESH BATCHREADY TO GO.

- I'M COMING FOR YOU,MOTHER[bleep]!

- YOU'RE GONNA SHANK A HOLEIN THE BAG,

STRAIN OUT THE SOLIDS.DON'T THROW 'EM AWAY.

THAT'S 200 PROOF FRUIT SALAD.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU DRINKIN THE CLINK.

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVETHIS WEEK.

NEXT WEEK, I'LL BE TEACHING YOUHOW TO MAKE THE LOAF.

- [bleep] YOU IN THE ASS,TOSH!

- OOH, DATE NIGHT.IT'S 5:00 SOMEWHERE.

OH, THAT--OH, THAT IS SO FOUL.

YOU GUYS ARE IN FOR A TREAT.I'VE ARRANGED

A TOILET WINE TASTINGFOR THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE.

BOTTOMS UP, EVERYONE.

SWISH IT AROUND YOUR PALATE

AND REALLY LET YOURSELFEXPERIENCE THE RANCID BOUQUET.

BUT WHATEVER YOU DO,PLEASE DO NOT SWALLOW IT!

DO NOT SWALLOW IT!

IF YOU GUYS THINKTHAT'S DISGUSTING,

YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THATBEFORE YOU BROKE THE LAW.

I WOULD LIKEBEATS BY DRE

TO SEND ME AND MY STAFFFREE HEADPHONES--

THOSE NEW WIRELESS ONESTHAT LOOK SO SLEEK.

AND AS A GESTURE OF GOOD FAITH,

I HAVE GONE OUT-OF-POCKETTO MAKE THEM THIS FREE AD.

[distant yelling]

WE'RE HERE, AND THERE AREA LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE.

- GREAT.- REMEMBER, THIS IS OUR CHOICE,

AND WE ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG.- I KNOW.

- IF YOU WANT TO CHANGEYOUR MIND,

THAT IS TOTALLY YOUR DECISION,

EVEN THOUGH I THINKIT'S A REALLY BAD ONE.

- THERE'S NO WAYI'M CHANGING MY MIND.

WE BOTH KNOW YOU'D BEA HORRIBLE FATHER.

- I WANT TO PAY...FOR MY HALF.- HA.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GETTHAT DEMON BABY OUTTA YA.

[protestors yelling]

- ♪ GIRL,YOU CAN TELL EVERYBODY ♪

♪ I'M THE MAN, I'M THE MAN,I'M THE MAN ♪

[protestors yelling]

- YOU'RE A FAT WHORE!

- I HOPE YOUR DEAD BABYHAUNTS YOU!

[protestors yelling]

- ♪ I'M THE MAN, I'M THE MAN,I'M THE MAN ♪

- DON'T TAKE A LIFE BECAUSEYOU CAN'T CLOSE YOUR LEGS!

[protestors yelling]

- ♪ I'M THE MAN, I'M THE MAN,I'M THE MAN ♪

[protestors yelling]

- YOU'RE GONNA BURN IN HELL!

- YOUR FACE IS AN ABORTION!

- ♪ I'M THE MAN, I'M THE MAN,I'M THE MAN ♪

♪ I'M THE MAN,I'M THE MAN, I'M THE MAN ♪

♪ I'M THE MAN, I'M THE MAN,I'M THE MAN ♪

- A MINUTEOF GETTING YELLED AT

IS STILL EASIERTHAN 18 YEARS OF IT.

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