November 27, 2012 - Virgin Trampoline Jumper

  • 11/27/2012

A 37-year-old virgin receives a Web Redemption, and Tosh.0 gets the Bad Lip Reading treatment.

HERE HOW YOU ONE UP YOUR BUDDY

WHO STAPLED HIS SCROTUM TO A

TABLE.

>> I'LL PUT A .9 MILLIMETER

THROUGH MY BALL SACK.

I CAN'T GET THE CAMERA ANGLE

RIGHT.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY "TOSH.0" IS

AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE YOUR

NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR NUT SHOT

VIDEO.

IF HE GOT BALL BLOOD ON THE

CARPET HE'S LOSING HIS DEPOSIT.

>> CAN YOU SEE MY BALLS ON THE

DESK?

CAN YOU SEE IT?

YES OR NO?

OH MY GOD!

>> I'M GOING TAKE TRUTH.

>> I HOPE HE BURNS IN HELL FOR

MURDERING MILLIONS OF FUTURE

BABIES.

I SPEAK FOR THE LOADS OF

EJECULATE WHO HAVE NO VOICE.

YOU'RE TELLING ME SPERM'S NOT

TURNS OUT THE REASON BLACK

PEOPLE NEVER BURN IS BECAUSE

THEIR BODIES ARE FULL OF

SUNSCREEN.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

>> Tosh: THAT REMINDS ME, I WANT

TO GET MY NEPHEW A PLAY-DOH FUN

FACTORY FOR CHRISTMAS.

>> Tosh: IF ONLY THERE WAS A

SIMPLER REMEDY THAN WATCHING

YOUR FACE ONCE IN A WHILE.

>> THAT'S SO WEIRD.

>> Tosh: DON'T THROW THAT AWAY.

IT'S GREAT FOR GREASING MUFFIN

TINS.

>> IT'S WEIRD.

>> Tosh: STOP SAYING IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S [BLEEP]ING DISGUSTING.

IT MAYBE THE MOST DISGUSTING

THING WE'VE HAD ON THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT MAY BE MORE

DISGUSTING.

PETA.

>> WHAT IS THIS WHITE BEAN

HUMMUS?

>> I AM SO DEAD SET ON LOSING MY

VIRGINITY.

I WILL LOSE MY VIRGINITY BEFORE

I'M 40 YEARS OLD.

I'LL SO WORK ON MY PHYSICAL

ABILITIES.

THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE

MYSELF KNOWN TO HAVE FUN.

MILLER THE 36-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN.

>> Tosh: WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS

LIGHT CANDLES AND GET BUBLE ON

THE PANDORA AND CANDLES.

IT FEELS AMAZING.

THAT MUSCULAR METAL MOUTH IS

DONNELLY AND HE'S HAVING A HARD

TIME FINDING A LADY WHO SHARED

HIS PASSION FOR CONSECUTIVE

FRONT FLIPS.

SO WHAT IF HE NEVER POPPED ANY

CHERRIES.

I'M SURE HE'S HAD SOME STUCK IN

HIS BRACES.

BEING A VIRGIN IS NOTHING TO BE

ASHAMED OF.

IN FACT IT WILL MAKE YOU MORE

VALUABLE IF YOU'RE EVER

KIDNAPPED AND FORCED INTO SEX

SLAVERY.

SOME OF THE MOST RESPECTED

CELEBRITIES ARE VIRGINS, TIM

TEBOW, LOLO JONES, HONEY BOO

BOO.

PRIESTS DON'T HAVE SEX AND LOOK

HOW WELL ADJUSTED THEY ARE.

REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU MAKE

LOVE THERE'S NO CHANCE OF

PREGNANCY SO GO RAW AND IT'S NOT

PREMARITAL SEX IF YOU DON'T PLAN

ON MARRYING THEM.

IF YOU'RE UGLY IT'S EASY, IF

YOUR HOT IT'S HARDER WHICH IS

WHY GOD INVENTED ASS PLAY.

YOUR POOP HOLE IS NOT A

LOOPHOLE.

THAT'S SODOMY.

DONNELLY NEEDS TO GET DEFLOWERED

SOON AND I CANCELLED HIS

ORTHODONTIST POINT AND BROUGHT

HIM HERE FOR CALIFORNICATION.

I SAID NO DOUBLE BOUNCING.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

TRAMPOLINING?

IS THAT WHAT IT'S CALLED?

>> YEAH, YOU CAN CALL IT

TRAMPOLINING.

>> Tosh: HAS ANYONE EVER DONE

EIGHT FRONT FLIP IN A ROW.

>> IT'S BEEN DONE.

>> Tosh: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

A VIRGIN?

>> 37 YEARS.

>> Tosh: YOU THINK THE PROBLEM

IS YOU'RE HANGING OUT IN

GYMNASIUMS WHERE THERE'S A BUNCH

OF CHILDREN AROUND.

>> THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE A

SOLUTION RIGHT THERE.

>> Tosh: HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED

TO SAVE YOURSELF?

>> FOR THE RIGHT PERSON, YEAH.

>> Tosh: HOW FAR HAVE YOU GONE

WITH A WOMAN.

>> HAVEN'T MADE IT TO FIRST

BASE.

>> Tosh: YOU NEVER KISSED A

WOMAN?

>> NEVER HAD MY FIRST KISS.

>> Tosh: GET OVER HERE.

THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?

>> NO.

>> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON

MASTURBATION?

>> I DEFINITELY SOMETIMES HAVE

TO RESORT TO IT ESPECIALLY AFTER

SEEING GOOD LOOKING WOMEN.

>> Tosh: WHEN YOU'RE A ROOKIE

LIKE YOURSELF YOU WANT TO SPEND

TIME ON FOREPLAY.

YOU WANT REAL ANSWERS AND I'M

GOING TO GIVE THEM YOU, AN HOUR

AND KNOCK IT OFF.

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HAVE GUY

NA.

>> I KNOW THE BASIC PARTS.

>> Tosh: IT'S FOREFUN DOWN THERE

SHOVING THINGS IN THERE,

FINGERS, DOES LITTLE FOR THEM.

THESE ARE THINGS WE'VE ALL DONE.

THAT GUY SPIT ON THE [BLEEP]

BEFORE AND YOU WANT SEX FOR

MAYBE TWO MINUTES AND YOU'RE

DONE.

SHE'S ON HER PERIOD.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU GO IN THERE STRONG.

GET IT ON YOUR FACE LIKE WAR

PAINT.

WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE SEX FEELS

LIKE?

>> I IMAGINE IF FEELS PRETTY

GOOD

>> Tosh: AND IMMEDIATELY AFTER,

SHAME.

IT'S AMAZING YOU LIKE THE PERSON

LYING NEXT TO YOU TEN MINUTES

AGO AND NOW YOU CAN WATCH HER

GET HIT BY A BUS AND NOTHING

WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPIER.

THAT'S WHAT SEX FEELS LIKE.

DONNELLY YOU NEED TO MAN UP IF

YOU'RE EVER GO TO POP THAT PENIS

CHERRY AND ONLY ONE PLACE TO

MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU.

THE MAN SHOW.

>> WITH JIMMY KIMMEL AND ADAM

CAROLLA.

>> NO THE CLASSIC VERSION.

>> COMEDY CENTRAL REFUSES TO PUT

IT ON TELEVISION.

>> WELCOME BACK TO THE MAN SHOW.

I'M JOE ROGAN.

>> WHERE'S THE GUY WITH THE

PIANO?

>> HE'S DEAD.

>> SO 37 YEARS OLD AND YOUR

STILL FULL.

WHAT'S BEEN THE PROBLEM?

>> THE PROBLEM IS I'VE HAD VERY

FEW OPPORTUNITIES TO GO OUT AND

MEET THE ONE.

>> WHERE ARE YOU BEEN LOOKING?

>> I DO A BUNCH OF MARATHON

RUNNING.

>> IT'S HARD TO KEEP A

CONVERSATION GOING.

>> SOUNDS LIKE HE'S LOOKING FOR

THE ONE.

>> YOU DON'T NEED TO BE MARRIED.

>> IT'S NICE UNLESS YOU'RE IN A

MARRIAGE WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE

SEX.

>> HOW OFTEN USUALLY HAVE SEX.

>> MOST PEOPLE GET SICK OF EACH

OTHER.

>> WHAT DO YOU JERK OFF TO?

YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE

PRE-PUBESCENT STAGE WHERE YOU

JERK OFF TO GO DADDY

COMMERCIALS.

>> ISN'T IT ODD HEALTH PROBLEMS.

>> IT DOES.

>> WHY DON'T YOU PRETEND.

IMAGINE IF YOU CAUGHT AIDS THE

FIRST TIME.

IT'S LIKE AND ALANIS MORISSETTE

SONG.

>> I THINK YOUR ISSUE IS SOCIAL

AND HAS TO DO WITH FRIENDSHIP.

>> THOSE CHRISTIAN [BLEEP]S --

>> HAVE YOU EVER DONE ECSTASY.

YOU'RE THROWING FASTBALLS AT A

CATCHER WITH NO MITT.

I'LL PUT YOU IN A SITUATION I

WAS ONCE IN BUT AS YOU JUST DONE

MUSHROOMS AND WANT TO DUMP A

LOAD BEFORE YOU START TRIPPING

SO YOU GO TO A WHORE HOUSE ON

SPINARD HIGHWAY CALLED THE

RAVENITE AND YOU PICK ONE AND DO

YOU PICK MISSIONARY OR DOGGY

STYLE.

>> DOGGY STYLE.

>> YOU'RE WRONG.

YOU'RE ON MUSHROOMS YOUR SENSES

ARE PEAKED.

YOU CAN SMELL A FLY SMART AND IF

YOU'RE MAKING LOVE IS THE STINK

GOING TO GO UP OR TO THE SIDE?

YOU WANT MISSIONARY.

YOU WANT YOUR FACE AWAY.

>> WE'RE AT THE WILTERN STUDIO

WITH JOEY DIAZ.

>> WAS THAT SIX INCHES FLACCID

OR HARD?

>> I'M BACK HERE AND TITS ARE

OUT AND MY BEAVER'S ALL UNSHAVEN

AND OVERGROUND.

WHAT KIND OF MUSIC YOU GOING TO

PLAY?

>> DEPECHE MODE.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR

BONER.

>> YOU JUST GOT THROUGH BOXING

SO YOUR BONER GOES BACK.

>> WOULD YOU DRINK DONKEY

[BLEEP] TO GET A LADY?

>> YES.

>> WOULD YOU CONSIDER HAVING SEX

WITH A MAN?

>> NOT PARTICULARLY, NO.

>> WOULD YOU CONSIDER A CHICK

WITH A [BLEEP].

>> YEAH.

>> I WISH WE COULD FIND SOMEONE

TO BANG THIS GUY.

>> TOO BAD WE DON'T HAVE GIRLS

JUMPING ON TRAMPOLINES THAT ARE

ALSO GIGANTIC SLUTS.

>> THE JUGGIES!

>> SEVEN ORGASMS IN A ROW!

I TOLD YOU I'D LOSE MY

VIRGINITY.

WHOO!

YEAH!

>> ALL RIGHT.

CONGRATULATIONS, STUD, NOW LET'S

GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S GROSS WITH TWO

SEE THAT LADY SITTING RIGHT

>> THERE BEHIND ME?

THAT'S MY MOM CINDY.

SEE I AM THAT NOT THAT UGLY

LOOKING [BLEEP].

>> YEAH, JUMP ON THE OTHER SIGN.

>> Tosh: SEEMS LIKE A NICE

FAMILY.

THAT LOVELY YOUNG LADY AND HER

MOM ARE TIRED OF PEOPLE ONLINE

CALLING THEM LIERS AND THEY SET

THE RECORD STRAIGHT WHICH I

ASSUME TAKES A LONG TIME WITH

THEIR DIAL-UP MODEM.

LET'S FIND OUT WHAT GOT THEM

RILED UP.

JUST AHEAD, SHE HAS 30 BULLET

POINTS, GET COMFY.

>> I AMPREGNANT WITH MY SON.

MY DAD DIED THREE WEEKS AGO

TOMORROW AT 6:18 A.M.

>> YEAH.

>> Tosh: REMEMBERING THE MINUTE

HE DIED IS SPECIFIC AND WHY ARE

YOU SHARING IT WITH US.

>> THIS IS NOT A WIG.

IT'S REAL.

IF IT WAS A WIG IT WOULD COME

OFF RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

>> YEAH.

>> MY SHIRT SAYS WHERE I LIVE.

>> CALM DOWN.

>> Tosh: I'M SURE MOUNT VERNON

WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU KEPT

THEIR NAME OUT OF THIS.

>> MY BROTHER, JACKSON AND

DANIEL, THEY'RE [BLEEP]ING DEAD

ALSO.

HE WAS MY TWIN AND DIED AT THREE

DAYS OLD OF SMALLPOX.

WE BOTH HAD IT.

HE DIED AND YOU SURVIVED.

MY BROTHER JACKSON DIED AT THE

AGE OF 27.

>> IN A CAR WRECK.

>> Tosh: SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS

--S.

NO ONE HAS DIED OF SMALLPOX IN

THIS COUNTRY SINCE THE 1800s.

>> AND MAY AUNT DONNA AND

MARGARET AND PICTURES OF THEM

THEY'RE DEAD ALSO.

I SHOULD KNOW.

I WAS IN THE ROOM WHEN THEY

DIED.

>> AND I TOO.

>> Tosh: I'M STARTING TO WONDER

IF YOU'RE THE ONES KILLING

EVERYONE.

>> BY THE WAY SHE DOES WORK

[BLEEP].

SHE HAS ONE NOW.

I DON'T HAVE ONE RIGHT NOW.

>> Tosh: WE NEED TO W

SEASON FOUR FINALE.

IT WILL BE A VERY EMOTIONAL

EPISODE.

NOW I HATE THE INTERNET WITH A

PASSION AND THEY PAY PEOPLE TO

LOOK AT IT FOR ME AND TELL ME

THE LIP VIDEOS ARE A HOOT.

>> MOUSES HAVE WIWIS?

>> DUDE, DON'T SPIT.

>> OKAY.

YIKES.

>> Tosh: THAT'S WHY I HIRED THAT

DUDE TO LIP ANYBODY REST OF THE

SHOW STARTING NOW.

>> I FOUND A PINK OCEAN WHALE.

>> THEY DO IT TO THE LOUNGE

WORKER BECAUSE DONKEY PEOPLE GET

HOLD OF YOU AND STAB YOU AND IF

YOU MAKE EGGS AND RICE I'LL YOU

Y'ALL COME OVER.

>> THEY GAVE ME A PURPLE HEART.

IT CAN WRINKLE A BUNNY.

>> I GOT GOLDEN TEETH AND THAT'S

BECAUSE I OWN FIFI THE BANANA

RAT.

ALL RIGHT.

>> POTATOS.

I PEE PEE WHEN I TAKE A BATH.

THAT'S A BLACK GIRL'S NAME.

A CHEATING BLACK GIRL.

>>I CAN'T BE A BUNNY WITH A

FAST-WALKING TUNA PUSHER.

>> I HOPE YOU KNOCK THOSE SHOES

OFF AND ADMIT THE PROBLEM,

PLAYER.

>> I CAN ONLY FEED JOEY THE FAT

CORNERISH STUDENT WITH ACID.

CAN'T WASTE TIME TO FIX A BIG

OLD MEXICAN BURGER.

LET'S GET A GOOD HAPPY SODA AND

SCREAM, LORD.

THAT'S A KARATE

>> HOW TALL ARE YOU?

>> 5'9".

>> 5'9".

[exhales forcefully]

WHAT ABOUT DOWNSTAIRS?

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

I'M PEGGING YOU FOR ABOUT

A 7-INCH SCHLONG.

>> YOU'RE IN THE BALLPARK.

IT'S ABOUT HALF A FOOT.

>> THAT'S NICE.

>> IT'S BY NO MEANS YOUR BEASTLY

12-INCH SCHLONG.

>> RIGHT. I KNOW.

THOSE THINGS ARE MYTHICAL,

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

>> SUPPOSEDLY THERE WAS

ONE GUY THAT--THIS MYTHICAL GUY

THAT I WENT TO "A" SCHOOL WITH

WHILE I WAS IN THE NAVY

THAT SUPPOSEDLY HAD A 12-INCH.

>> WHOO!

I WOULD NOT WANT TO SHOWER

NEXT TO HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

JUST FOR THE CONTRAST.

>> YEAH.

>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> I'M FROM BELLINGHAM,

WASHINGTON.

>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

A VIRGIN?

>> 37 YEARS.

>> DO YOU THINK THE PROBLEM IS,

YOU'RE HANGING OUT IN

GYMNASIUMS WHERE THERE'S

A BUNCH OF CHILDREN AROUND?

>> THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE

A SOLUTION RIGHT THERE.

>> WHAT TYPE OF LADY

ARE YOU INTO?

>> SOMEONE THAT COULD DEFINITELY

PUT ME IN MY PLACE AT TIMES.

>> OKAY.

>> PHYSICALLY.

>> OKAY, YOU LIKE A DOMINATRIX.

>> YES.

>> WHAT ELSE?

PHYSICALLY, WHAT DOES SHE

LOOK LIKE?

>> ATHLETIC.

>> ASIAN?

>> ASIAN, SOUTH AMERICAN.

>> STARTING TO LIKE YOUR TASTE.

OKAY, WHAT ELSE?

>> DEFINITELY GOT SOME BUILD.

>> WHAT ABOUT BREASTS?

DO YOU WANT HER TO HAVE BREASTS?

'CAUSE A LOT OF THESE ATHLETIC

WOMEN DON'T HAVE BREASTS.

>> I'VE NOTICED THAT, AND IT

SEEMS LIKE THEIR OTHER QUALITIES

KIND OF MAKE UP FOR THAT.

>> WHAT ABOUT A BUTT?

DO YOU LIKE A BIG BUTT?

>> I'M NOT REALLY THAT--

>> YOU DON'T CARE.

>> YEAH, I DON'T REALLY CARE.

>> WHAT'S THE BEST PLACE

TO MEET WOMEN?

>> I WOULD SAY A RAFTING

ADVENTURE, OR IT'D BE, LIKE, A--

MAYBE A SINGLES CRUISE OR...

>> HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK

YOU'RE GONNA MEET WOMEN

WHILE YOU'RE RAFTING?

>> MAYBE OTHER LIKE-MINDED WOMEN

WHO ARE ADVENTUROUS

WHO LIKE THE ADRENALINE RUSH.

>> YOU NEED TO GO TO A BAR.

YOU NEED ALCOHOL.

OKAY, YOU'RE NOT ABOVE ALCOHOL.

ARE YOU RICH? ARE YOU FAMOUS?

>> NAH.

>> YOU NEED ALCOHOL.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> SO WHAT HAPPENS IF I TALK

TO THE WRONG WOMAN

AND SOME GUY IS LIKE,

"WHY ARE YOU TALKING

TO MY WOMAN?"

>> YOU SAY, "OH, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT THIS WHORE

WAS AVAILABLE,"

AND YOU WALK AWAY.

YOU'RE A BIG GUY.

YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY

ABOUT THAT.

>> [laughs]

>> HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED

TO SAVE YOURSELF?

>> FOR THE RIGHT PERSON, YEAH.

>> HOW FAR HAVE YOU GONE

WITH A WOMAN?

>> HAVEN'T MADE IT

TO FIRST BASE.

>> YOU'VE NEVER EVEN KISSED

A WOMAN?

>> I'VE NEVER HAD MY FIRST KISS.

>> GET OVER HERE.

>> [laughing]

>> THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?

>> NO.

>> ALL RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK SECOND BASE

IS LIKE?

>> SECOND BASE, I WOULD THINK,

IS MORE LIKE THE FOREPLAY,

LIKE CUDDLING.

>> TOUCHING THEIR BOOBS.

>> YUP.

>> DO YOU TRIM UP DOWN THERE?

I NOTICED YOU'VE GOT LITTLE

TO NO BODY HAIR.

ARE YOU SHAVING UP DOWN THERE?

>> FOR THE MOST PART, YEAH.

>> GOOD. GOOD.

THAT'LL INCREASE YOUR BLOW

JOBS--PFFT, I DON'T KNOW--

UPWARDS OF 45%.

>> WHERE DO YOU GET THIS, LIKE--

THESE FACTS FROM?

>> EH, THEY'RE NOT FACTS.

IT'S JUST MY EXPERIENCE.

WHAT'S YOUR STANCE

ON MASTURBATION?

>> I DEFINITELY SOMETIMES

HAVE TO RESORT TO IT,

ESPECIALLY AFTER I'VE SEEN,

LIKE, A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN.

>> THIS IS THE UPSIDE TO

PRESERVING YOUR PENIS CHERRY.

SUCH LITTLE THINGS

GET YOU STIMULATED.

LIKE, FOR ME, IF I'M NOT

WATCHING AT LEAST THREE GIRLS

GET FUCKED BY A GOAT AND

THEY'RE SHITTING ON EACH OTHER,

VERY LITTLE INTEREST.

>> [laughs]

JEEZ.

>> WHAT POSITION ARE YOU

LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING?

>> WHAT POSITION?

>> SEXUALLY.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR

WITH THE POSITIONS?

>> NO.

>> OH, MAN. ALL RIGHT.

MISSIONARY.

>> I'M GUESSING THAT'S

THE BASIC POSITION.

>> BASIC.

THAT'S JUST YOU ON TOP OF HER.

DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU

THE POSITIONS?

>> THE DOGGY STY--

DOGGY POSITION.

>> DOGGY, ARE YOU F--

WHAT DO YOU THINK DOGGY IS?

>> THE GIRL ON THEIR--

THE GIRL'S ON HER HANDS

AND KNEES.

>> SHE'S LIKE THIS.

>> AND BASICALLY I'M BEHIND.

>> YEAH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

DON'T BE AFRAID TO OPEN

HER LEGS UP A LITTLE BIT

AND PUT YOUR LEGS

IN BETWEEN THERE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LIKE TO SOMETIMES

TAKE THEIR HANDS,

PULL THEM BEHIND THEIR BACK,

AND HAVE THEM FACEDOWN.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

THEY LIKE THAT.

WHEN YOU'RE A ROOKIE

LIKE YOURSELF...

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO

SPEND TONS OF TIME ON FOREPLAY.

>> TALKING, LIKE, AN HOUR,

TWO HOURS?

>> THESE ARE GOOD QUESTIONS.

YOU WANT REAL ANSWERS,

AND I'M GONNA GIVE THEM TO YOU.

NO.

AN HOUR? KNOCK IT OFF.

YOU WANT TO KISS

FOR FIVE MINUTES.

THEN YOU WANT TO START

TOUCHING THEIR ASS.

AND THEN AROUND TEN MINUTES,

THAT'S WHEN YOU WANT TO JUST

BE TOUCHING EVERYWHERE.

THEN YOU WANT TO START

TAKING CLOTHES OFF.

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE VAGINA?

>> YEAH, I KNOW B--I MEAN,

THE BASIC PARTS OF IT, YEAH.

>> YOU WANT TO SPEND

ALL YOUR TIME UP THERE.

DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT THE HOLE,

EVEN THOUGH THAT'S WHERE WE WANT

TO BE 'CAUSE IT'S MORE FUN

DOWN THERE.

SHOVING THINGS IN THERE,

FINGERS,

IT DOES LITTLE FOR THEM.

THESE ARE THINGS THAT WE'VE ALL

DONE, EVERY GUY HERE.

THAT GUY'S SPIT ON HIS COCK

BEFORE.

RIGHT THERE.

AND YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX

FOR MAYBE TWO MINUTES.

THEN YOU'RE DONE.

SHE'S ON HER PERIOD.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU NEED TO GO IN THERE STRONG.

GET IT ON YOUR FACE.

IT'S LIKE WAR PAINT.

[roars]

WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE

SEX FEELS LIKE?

>> I WOULD IMAGINE

IT FEELS PRETTY GOOD.

>> THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER,

SHAME.

IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH YOU LIKED

THIS PERSON LAYING NEXT TO YOU

TEN MINUTES AGO,

AND NOW, UGH.

YOU COULD WATCH HER GET HIT

BY A BUS, AND NOTHING

WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPIER.

THAT'S WHAT SEX FEELS LIKE.

DONNELLY, YOU NEED TO MAN UP

IF YOU'RE EVER GONNA POP

THAT PENIS CHERRY.

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE ON

EARTH GUARANTEED TO MAKE A MAN

OUT OF YOU.

THAT'S THE MAN SHOW.

>> THE SHOW WITH JIMMY KIMMEL

AND ADAM CAROLLA?

>> NO!

THE CLASSIC VERSION WITH

JOE ROGAN AND DOUG STANHOPE.

>> I THOUGHT THEY

CANCELED THAT SHOW.

>> NO, THEY STILL FILM IT.

COMEDY CENTRAL JUST REFUSES

TO PUT IT ON TELEVISION.

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